Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 14 - Goodbye Dolly - full transcript

Here you go.

Thanks. Appreciate it.

You got it.

Oh! Check her out.

What, do you think
she's on your team?

We'd be lucky
to have her.

Is it just me,
or have there been, lik,

tons of hot girls
everywhere lately?

I can't say.

My senses have
been dulled by
years of monogamy.

My hormones
are going nuts.



I've officially crossedr
from the nausea stage
of pregnancy

into the horny stage.

Nauseous then horny...

That's the reverse
of Audrey's process.

I'm serious, man.

I'm going crazy.
Well...

Too bad you can't do
anything about it.

Who says?

I can't believe
we have to have
this conversation.

We're paying you
to be our surrogate.

So, as long as
our kid's in there

that whole area is
closed for business.

Uh, you are not the boss
of my business.

Well, actually,
for the next
five months, I am.



Um, just think of it
as a, uh,

crowded night club.
No one new gets in

until someone
comes out.

All right. Well,
before you install

a velvet rope
and a bouncer
down there...

I mean, it's not
really an issue.

With your giant-headed
baby inside me,

I don't know who'd be
into me anyway.

It is pretty
unappealing.

Although,
the upper deck's
never looked better.

I know, right?
I'm kind of
turning myself on.

Speaking of which,
time for another drink.

Hide the kid.
(SIGHS)

Hey.

See that, uh, redhead
with the rack over ther?

She's been
checking you out.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

You should
send her a drink.
Good call.

Can I send some white wine
to the woman over there?

She looks more like
a Scotch, beer
kind of gal.

Hey, you know
what would be
a class move?

Send over
some nachos.

You're the cheapest
man alive.

(SIGHS)

Cheap like a fox.

Oh, don't forget
her nachos.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Here you go,
double whiskey.

Enjoy your breakfast.

Thank you.

Is this one of those, u,
Leaving Las Vegas thin,

where you take a look
at your life

and decide to drink
yourself to death?

She asked hopefully.

No, I'm getting
a wisdom tooth
pulled today,

and I'm prepping.
Hmm.

Um, excuse me, could I t
a side order of fruit?

No need. We got
the melons right here.

I know, right? I've got,
like, the biggest boobs
in the world.

All right, grow up,
Russell.

That is just...

That's nature's way of
preparing for the baby.

More like nature's way
of preparing me
to pound one out.

Well, I got to go.
(CHUCKLES)

Hey, where you going?

Uh, to meet
a new friend.

It's the, uh, waitress
from the bar the other .

Wait. When did that happen?

Um, after you got
kicked out

for trying to get that y
to buy me a surf and tu.

She and I...
We had a nice little ch,

and, uh, I got her numb.
Really?

Even after she saw
that whole mess?

Also known as our child.

She didn't seem to have
a problem with it.

So we are seeing a movie
at the Alexandria.

Huh.
RUSSELL: Ooh, interesting.

You know,
the Alexandria is uptow.

After the film,
might the two of you

be heading in the
opposite direction?

Stayed an extra 30 seconds,
paid the price.

Brenda and a waitress?
Russell likey.

Nothing's going to happ.
I made that clear last .
Her area is off-limits.

(CHUCKLES)

Jeff, Brenda
is a grown woman.

Whatever she does
with her "area"
is her decision.

And if she and her fried
would like me to film i.

Again, her call.

Oh, my God.
You are disgusting.

You are like
a cockroach.

Hmm. Pardon me?
What kind of roach?

Uh, in my defense,
this is not my first on.

(GASPS)
Oh, hi, Barbara.

Hi, Lily.

Oh, isn't she so cute?

You know,
I'm having a baby soon.

Oh, congratulations, Audrey.
When are you due?

Oh, no, no.
I'm not having it.

We're actually using
a friend of my husband's
as our surrogate.

But it's not weird
or anything.
She's a lesbian.

Mommy, what's a lesbian?

Thanks. I've been meanig
to explain that to her.

Sorry.

Oh, that is such a nicel
you have there.

What is her name?

Dolly.
Well...

It is very nice
to meet you, Dol...

Mommy!

Crap! I mean, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Here, I'll fix her.
That's okay.

Now we... Now we're
going to take her to
the doll hospital, okay?

Yes, yes.

I am going to take her
to the doll hospital.

I'm going to take her te
right now.

Watch me go,
here I go.

No, there's
an actual hospital
at the Doll Town Store.

That's where
they have to go
to be repaired.

Oh, seriously?
Yeah.

Oh, okay. I'll take
her there for you.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Sure.
No problem, no problem.

I'll have her back to yu
this afternoon, good as new.

Okay, bye-bye, Lily.

(GASPS)

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Hey, Jen, um,
you remember when you said

that I wasn't a tough,
edgy kind of guy?

Yes. You were wearing
an avocado exfoliating mask.

Yeah, and I glowed
for a week.

Well, take a look
who is tough and edgy n.

Huh?

Wha... No... Wha...
Are you...
Are you scared?

You scared,
yet a little turned on?

You got a tattoo
because I said

you weren't edgy?
Oh, yeah.

It's temporary, yo.

Why barbed wire?
Because

it's forbidden.

It's not forbidden.

You can buy it
at the hardware store.

Yeah, but they keep it
behind the counter,

and you have to
ask the guy.

Plus, the real one's gog
to have even sharper barbs.

Come on, please,
don't get a real one.

That's the wrong thing
to say to a rebel, baby.

Now I only want
to do it more.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

Gallant is such a wuss.

Goofus, that's the guy
you want to be.

Sir, Goofus is eating
all the cookies himself,

leaving none for anyone.
You know what?

I'm not having
this argument again.

What's up your tepee,
geroni-mope?

Hmm. Seems like
appropriate gratitude

for making me give up
my Saturday to babysit u
at the dentist.

Really? What else
would you be doing?

Sitting at home,
reading a book
about glasses?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes. I'm farsighted and
deserve contempt for it.

Hey. Hello.

Uh, just to confirm,
we will be using

all available
sedatives on me?

Absolutely.
Okay.

There's a switch.

A woman giving you
knockout drugs.

What...
What are you doing?

What Goofus would do.

But she just said
you were getting
a sedative, sir.

Hey, I'm having
a wisdom tooth out.

It's major surgery.

It's not like your coun,
where they just line yop

and have a goat
kick you in the mouth.

I can't believe it costs
50 bucks to fix a doll.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Soon it will be
a real baby.

Kind of a nice way
to practice
taking care of one.

Oh, wait.
Hold the door!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Here! No, no.

Oh, you've got
to be kidding.
No, no, no, no.

(SCREAMING)

Don't worry.
Not real.

Oh, my heart's
pounding, too, bro.

Uh, no. Honestly,
I didn't think you
were going to call.

Well, I'm glad I did.
Me, too.

Oh, my God!
You guys are here, too.

Oh, my God.

Jeff, what are you
doing here?

Are you kidding me?
I'm a huge fan of this .

You just try
keeping me away from

"an Icelandic woman's te
of unrequited love
and redemption"...

Subtitled.

You're going
to hate this.

You said The Expendables
was too think-y.

They weren't
expendable.

They were very necessary
to the operation.

Uh, you remember Andrea
from the other night?

I do, and, um...

Regarding my tip, um,

I did not expect
to be seeing you again.

Well, don't
worry about it.

I'm going to go
get us some popcorn.

Great.
Extra butter.

Okay.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I said
no monkey business.

Not until after
the baby is born.

We discussed this
at the bar.

Look, I'm on
a date, okay?

And I would like
for it to go well.

Oh. I don't want it
to go at all.

Well, that's
not your call.
So beat it.

No, no, no.
I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying
right here.

To do what?
To try to prevent me
from hooking up?

Are you actually trying
to beaver-dam me?

That's awesome.

Uh, yeah.

The velvet rope is up.
I'm the bouncer.

And your little
waitress friend,

not on the list.

Jeff...
Want to go in?

Yeah, let's do this.

Whoa!

Thank you so much.
Uh, I'll take him
from here.

Here we go, sir.

Mm-hmm.
All right.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

He can't eat
for an hour.
Mm-hmm.

Oh, and he shouldn't
lift anything heavy.

(MURMURS)

What did he say?

He said,
"Not lift anything heav?

"How am I going to pee?"

Right.

Now, give him
more aspirin if it
starts to swell or thro.

If it starts...
If it starts to...

Perhaps we should just .

So...
Did you enjoy the film?

I did. I did. I actually
found it pretty moving.

Good.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Those ugly people
sure seemed fired up
about the wheat harvest.

So you want to get
something to eat?

Yeah, I would love to.
Oh, me, too.

I'm starved.
I could eat that moose

that kept popping up
in that farmer's dream.

Oh, Jeff, look,
Audrey's texting me.

She says she needs you
home right away.

Oh, wait.
Uh, she just texted me,.

"Ignore the text
I sent Brenda.

"Stay out as late
as you like."

Where are we going?

There's a Chinese place
across the street.

Aren't you vegan?

Yeah, but
I can make it work.

No, no. No.

Let's go get vegan food!

How does that sound, Je?

Sounds like a love lettr
to my colon.

Let's eat.

Yes. Thank you so much
for drooling on my
favorite sweater.

I suppose I can just hae
my grandmother knit me
another...

From the grave.

(SIGHS)

Oh! None of that!

Okay, sir, we're here.

Hmm? What's that?
An offer to pay?

Oh, no, please, let me.

Thank you.

I'll come round
and get you, sir.

Oh! Oh, dear.

Two trips to
the doll hospital
in one day,

that's got
to be a record.

Oh, things happen,
just like in life.

But a good mom
learns from her mistake,

isn't that right, Dolly?
(CHUCKLES)

Hello?

Oh! Oh, God!
Hello?

Ah, yes. Uh, hello.

Um, I'm trying
to locate an item

I left in
one of your cabs.

Valuable?
No, it's my boss.

Yes, I'll hold.

JENNIFER:
That thing is wrecked.

Just buy a new one.

Look...

Her head is just
a little bit caved in, ?

I think
if I pry her eye out,

I can pop her head out
from the inside.

I like her that way.
I think she looks badas.

Oh, yes.
Uh, thank you.

His height?

Hmm, well, I know
he's not tall enough

to ride the Matterhorn
at Disneyland.

He moped in the teacups
for hours.

Hair color, did you ask?
Well, that would be
Nice 'n Easy number 46.

Eye color?

Black?

I've never seen his eye.
He's always staring
at my boobs.

Is beady a color?

Look, if you find
a drunken troll making
crude sexual innuendoes,

please do call us.

Well, I better
get going.

I got an appointment
to go ink the guns.

All right, that's i.

Ow! Ow!
Why'd you do that?

Well, if you think
that hurt,

imagine an electric neee
stabbing you for hours.

Hours?

Yes. And there's blood.

Mine?

Yeah, lots of it.

I think I'm just
going to grow, like,
a badass 'stache.

Oh, yes!

(GASPS)

I think it's time to
talk to her about the bg
dollhouse in the sky.

Oh, that was so good.
I know.

Jeff, how was your meal?

Nothing better
after Icelandic cinema

than mung beans
and a shamburger.

Really? 'Cause it lookse
you barely touched it.

I'm saving room
for dessert.
Carob pudding.

It's getting kind of la.
I guess...

Everyone's going to go
their separate ways.

So, Andrea,
share a cab?

Actually, um,
I was going to
ask Andrea

if she wanted
to come back
to my place,

maybe have
a glass of wine?

Oh, sure. I'd love to.
Well, I'm in. This...

Kale shake's
not doing it.

It's doing something.

No, Jeff, I meant
just me and Andrea.

Oh. I will walk you,
make sure that

you two delicate flowers
get back safely.

I served
in the Israeli Army.

Ah...

The Middle East.

There's a topic
we could bat around
till the wee hours.

Okay, Jeff,
I'm just going to
step in here.

I really think
that it is time
for you to go.

Okay, come on, what's...
What's going on?

All right, Andrea...
(SIGHS)

She's not a lesbian.

She and I are...
We're a thing.

That's right.
I put that baby in there
the old-fashioned way.

And she loved it.

Oh, my God.

Look, Jeff here is worrd

that if something physil
were to happen

between you and me,
that it might interfere

with the baby that I am
just carrying for him.

Oh. Well,
maybe I should go.

Oh, that'd be great.
No, stay.

Jeff, first of all..

And I really mean this.

You're an idiot.

That's a little harsh.
No, it's not.

Oh, hey, brah. Yeah,

that carob pudding's
for you, man.

Go eat that
in your van.

Oh, God.

Jeff, please.

We have known each other
forever.

Do you really think
that I would do anythin,

even for a second,
that could possibly
harm this baby?

I guess not, no.
Okay.

Then I ask you... No.

I beg you, go.

Maybe we should let
Andrea decide...

Go!

All right, I will,
but you know what?

Not before I say this,
all right?

If you guys are
going to start up
with the horseplay...

Brenda,
you can go nuts on her,

you know, but, Andrea,

when it's your
turn to do stuff,
just don't.

Is he serious?

Oh, yeah, I pull that
on Audrey all the time.

Just pretend
you fell asleep.

(SIGHS)

And yet,
Audrey is still straigh.

Really proves
it's not a choice.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.
It's okay.

Okay, this is
your building.

Your friend is on his wy
to meet you.

Why don't we
just stay right here
until he arrives?

You're the best, Timmy.

Oh, sorry, sir,
I'm not, uh...

You know what?
You're right.

I don't thank you enoug.

Truth is, I don't know
what I'd do without you.

You're really
my best friend.

I love you.

Thank you so much.
I'll take him from here.

This is for you.

All right, sir.

Let's get you home.

When did you
start driving a cab?

Ah, yes.
We all look alike.

Very original.

Anything nice
you'd like to
say to me, sir,

considering I've given p
my entire Saturday for ?

Hmm? No?
Didn't think so.

So you actually thought
you could talk them
out of getting together?

I know, right? I'm geney
arguing the pro side of
two chicks hooking up.

Where are you
making this argument?

Wherever it needs
to be made.

Okay, okay,
okay, okay.

Listen...

Let's... Let's just see
if Jeff and Audrey think

this 'stache
makes me look edgy.

It doesn't.
You look like
a '70s porn star.

Yeah, well,
from what I understand,
those guys got tons of .

Okay? Now, just don't...
Don't tell them it's fa.

They saw you yesterday!

What's up?