Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 12 - The Five Things - full transcript

Jeff can't come up with five things that he likes about Audrey, Russell teaches Timmy guitar in his latest effort to humiliate him, and Adam becomes upset when he discovers the truth about Jeff and Audrey's finances.

The key to a proper
cup of tea

is warming the kettle
with a splash
of boiling water.

"Cold kettles make
tasteless tea,"

Grandmother
always said.

My word, I'm even
boring myself.

No, it's sweet.

Listen, with all that's
going on in my life,

it's nice to have someoe
looking out for me.

Yes, Katie. I heard
about your recent break.

So sorry.

Well, it's my fault
for dating a musician.



I don't know why,
but I always fall
for a guy with a guitar.

Mmm. Maybe instead
of a guitarist,

you should think
about someone

who sings in
an a cappella group.

Yeah, yeah.
'Cause a cappella
groups are so hot.

Yes. I certainly meant t
as an outrageous statement.

Here we are.

Thank you, Timmy.

You're a good friend.

Mmm. A friend.

What a wonderful foundation
on which to build...

And she's gone.

Look like you're
about to cry, chief.

Are those palefaces
littering again?



Well done, sir.
If I had known you

eight years ago,
we could have attended

that reference's
30th birthday together.

Cranky. Who pee-peed
in your tepee?

If you must know,
I'm upset about Katie.

Oh, that sweet little tg
in Accounting?

You bash that out yet?

Huh? You give her
the old Bollywood?

No, and since she's leag
the company on Friday,

there shall be
no bashing,
I'm afraid.

Or any giving of
the aforementioned wood.

Look, I'll help you
with this chick,

but you gotta do
what I say.

It can't be like
those other times

when you refused
my wise advice.

Yes. I missed
a golden opportunity

by not claiming
to be the inventor
of 7-Eleven.

Say what you will,
I'm a closer.

Well, I will grant you

a more-than-passing
resemblance to
Kyra Sedgwick.

Mmm. Emmy winner?
One degree of Kevin Bacon?
I'll take it.

You can save
your advice, sir.

I'm not her type.
She likes musicians.

Mmm. Did you tell her
you're an accomplished
skin flautist?

I did not mention that.

All right.
I think it's time
for a grand gesture.

Something big.

I want you to get up
at her farewell party,

and serenade her
on the guitar.

I don't play guitar.

I'll teach you.

You don't play guitar.

I know one song,

which is enough
to get a chick
who digs musicians.

Sir, and what happens
when they get to know y,

and realize
it's all been a scam?

"Oh, no, the chick
I just banged
found out I lied!

"I lose!"

Come on, Tim,
let me help you here.

Well, I'll never be able
to live with myself

if I don't
at least try.

So, fine.
I accept your help.

Good. If I get
a guy some ass,
he gets it for a day.

But if I teach him
to get it for himself,

he's tapping forever.

(SIGHS)

Hi. Why are you
so happy?

You know how you're
always telling me

to stop messing with Tiy
for my own amusement?

Yeah.
I went a different way.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

MAN ON TV:
And in business,
the stock markets...

Hey, babe, can you
turn that off for a sec?

I want
to talk about something.

Am I in trouble?

No, I just wanna talk.

Sounds like
I'm in trouble.

So, I had lunch today
with Carol from work...

Ugh.

And she was telling me
about this thing

that she and her husband
do every night
before they go to sleep.

Every night, huh?

Well, those big gals
have to try harder.

No, not that.

Before they go to sleep,
Carol and her husband

say five things they lie
about each other.

Mmm.

Please tell me we're
not having dinner
with these people.

Jeff, lately I have
been feeling a little
unappreciated.

How so?

Well, for my last birth,
you gave me the NFL package.

And when the throat docr
told you I couldn't talk
for a week,

you sent him
a thank you note.

You always said that
that's good manners.

Yeah, when someone
gives you a gift.

Well...

Jeff, I need
my five things.

Fine. One, two.

It can't be physical.

All right, I also
happen to love...

Or sexual.

Aud, you're killing me.

I know this kind of thig
is not easy for you,
so you take your time.

I'm gonna go
get a glass of water.

You just sit here
and relax.

And, babe, please try
not to think of this
as a bad thing, okay?

Okay.

(DOOR CLOSING)

This is a very
bad thing.

Hey.
Hey.

Well...

I finally outsmarted
that pigeon
I've been feuding with.

That's terrific.

Oh, my God.
This is Jeff and Audreys
financial statement.

Wow, I guess the mailman
screwed it up.
I'll run it over to the.

No, you can't.
They'll think
we looked at it,

and that'll
make things weird.
Just throw it out.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's definitely
the right thing to do.

Oh, man.
They're rich.

I can't believe
Jeff charged me
an extra 20 cents

when I wanted
to put pickles
on my burger.

Adam, don't look at tha.
That's really personal..

Whoa, that's a lot.

And that's
just mutual funds.

Yes.

And who's this Ira guy?
He's crushing it.

I cannot believe
they have that much money.

Is it weird that Jeff
just got sexier to me?

That's not
weird at all.

Maybe I'll get
some pie to go.

Should I get apple
or blueberry?

Get them both.
You can certainly
afford it.

I'll just get
a fudgesicle at home.

Ugh, home.

Audrey wants me
to come up

with five things
I like about her.

Mmm, that's easy.
She's got her two...

Can't be sexual.

I'm out.

What's with the guitar,
Neil not-Young?

I'm gonna teach Timmy a song
so he can embarrass himself

in front of
the entire company.

You're a hell
of a boss.

Firm but fair.

Who can just rattle off
five things he likes
about his wife?

Well, Jen's my best fri,
she smiles when she sees me,

she's kind
to animals...

Doesn't count.
You're not married.

Once that ring's
on your finger,

those things become nais
on a chalkboard.

Can you get this?

Aw, look, Jeff,
I only have, like, $2, .

Well, we're not
gonna stay here
and do dishes, Lucy.

Give them
your credit card.

Sir, is this an A,

or an A-minor?

I don't know.
Just put your fingers
where I told you to put the.

Ah, a glimpse
into your dating life.

Look, I... I just want
to make sure I'm moving
my wrist properly.

Well, come on.
If you don't
learn this song,

you're gonna be moving
your wrist a-plenty.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm just
not sure I'm going

to have enough time
to perfect this.

That's the beauty of th,
it doesn't have to be perfe.

You just gotta
get your 'tude going.

'Tude?

Yeah, 'tude.
Stand up.

All right.

Let's try to figure out
what your vibe is, exac.

Uh...
Vibe. All right.

Give me a little, uh,
Elvis sneer.

You know Elvis, right?

Huh! Huh!

That's him.
All right.

You know, and maybe
a little Mick Jagger.

Little strut.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Aw, that's good.

That is good.

And maybe that
Pete Townshend windmill.

Wow!
Yeah.

Wow!
Oh, my God.

That is...
That's fantastic.

Really, really, um...
You think Katie
will like it?

Who?

Katie.

Katie! Oh, the Katie...
That's the...

Why we're doing this,
for Katie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's gonna
love it. Now...

Let's try them,
all three together.
Crank it out.

Wow! Wow!

(A LA ELVIS) Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Good stuff.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, hey, Aud.
Hey, can I borrow
some soy sauce?

I was about to make
some Ramen noodles.

Uh, I'm sorry.
Ramen noodles are
an inexpensive meal

traditionally enjoyed
by college students

and the budget-consciou.

Yeah, I know...
I know what
Ramen noodles are.

Oh, sure.
I know what caviar is.

Doesn't mean
I've ever had it.

Just get the soy sauce.

So what if Jeff
doesn't come up
with five things?

I mean,
feelings aren't really
in his wheelhouse.

I know, that's why
I'm doing this.

To bring out
his emotional side.

He has one?

Well, we know
he has a heart.
He's on Lipitor.

I took the regular.

I noticed you
also had low-sodium.

Must be nice to be
swimming in soy sauce.

Uh, hey, Jeff.
Hey.

You two are
gonna have to leave.

I've got five things I e
about my wife,

and, um, after I'm done
saying them,

I'm hoping
to be richly rewarded.

Well, well.

The rich get richer.
Let's go, Jen.

So you got
your five things.

I knew you could
do it, babe.

That's right.
When Jeff Bingham
has an assignment,

he delivers.

Number one...
You make me want
to be a better man.

Two...
You complete me.

You do.

Three...
All right.

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

"As Good as It Gets,
Jerry Maguire,
When Harry Met Sally.."

These are all movie quos
from movies I made you watc.

Well...
You make me want
to see better movies.

"Say hello
to my little friend"?

Well, that was gonna be
for when I was
richly rewarded.

Mmm-hmm.

You know,
I... I didn't want you

to come up
with these immediately.

That's why
I gave you time.

You could...
Jeez, you couldn't even
come up with one?

Uh, come on.

Just a boy, standing
in front of a girl...

Can't believe I even
know that one.

I know how much you love
those short rib tacos,

so when I saw
the food truck parked
on Third Avenue,

I thought
I'd surprise you.

You take such good care
of me, sweetheart.

That's because
I love you.

Have a good day.
Okay.

Dan,
I couldn't help noticing
you liking your wife.

Yeah, she's the best.

Look, she even wrote
"I love you"
on the taco wrapper.

Audrey once put a note
in my lunch,

but I accidentally
ate it.

What's the trick?

Have you tried
eating slower?

No, to make her think
that you like her.

I... I do like her.

Come on,
it's just us.

What I need are five
sure-fire things

that I like
about my wife.

You want me to tell you
what you like
about your wife?

That'd be terrific.

Well, I guess
when I'm with Barbara,

I notice all the little
things she does.

Oh. Oh, there it was
in front of my eyes
the whole time.

It's pretty simple.

Yeah, it's real simple.

You want me
to write that down for ?

That'd be great.

This guy's all over
your girlfriend.

He's going in
for the kill.

Sir, have you noticed
all your phrases
about courtship

involve the threat
of violence?

Have you noticed
you never get any?

All right?
Now grab your guitar.

Let's do this.
It's now or never.

I'm not sure
about this, sir.

I am rather nervous.

Fact. Tom Jones
feels this way
before every performanc.

Fact. Tom Jones
gets pummeled
with panties.

All right, sir.
Yeah?

Okay.
I've come this far.

Thank you.

You publicly
expressing yourself in g
is all the thanks I nee.

Go get 'em.

Dude, sit down.

You're not gonna
wanna miss this.

Excuse me, may I
have your attention?

Katie.

I've been trying
to tell you something

for the past few months,
but the words...

They've not come to me.
But fortunately,

where words fail,
there is song.

(TAPPING FEET)

Yes, there is.

And though there have been
may love songs written,

including those
by Gershwin, Cole Port,

Lennon and McCartney,
I think you'll agree

that no one said it
more eloquently
than Mr. Big.

Katie, this is for you.

♪ Hold on little girl

♪ Show me what
he's done to you

♪ Stand up, little girl

♪ A broken heart
can't be that bad

♪ When it's through
it's through ♪

(LAUGHING)

Isn't this awesome?

This is the most
pathetic thing
I've ever seen.

Yeah, I think we're sayg
the same thing.

Didn't he have
any friends
to stop him?

Oh, God,
I can't watch any more.

Don't worry about it,
I'm filming it.

There she is.

Mind if I observe you?

Knock yourself out.

Those nails of yours
sure grow out really fa.

I love how they do that.

Is that one
of your five things?

Apparently not.

The thing I love
is the way you file the.

So tender,
so meticulous.

Oh, God.

Just forget it.
It's fine, okay?

I never
should've asked you
in the first place.

Audrey,
I'm sorry, but I...

All this "talking about
what you like" stuff,

it's just not who I am.
I wish I was more like .

You know, able to make
people feel appreciated.

Guess what, Jeff,
that's one.

What? What did I say?

No, no, no.
Don't... Don't think,
just keep going.

What?
Just keep going.

I...
It's too much pressure.

You're always pushing me
to be better.

That's two.

It is?
Yes.

Yeah... Okay,
let's try one when
you're not yelling at m.

I'm sorry.
I'm yelling because
I wanna get this right.

I... I want you to be h.
When you're happy, I'm happ.

That's three.

Yeah?

Aw, come on, Aud,
you gotta give me
the boobs.

You know what,
you can have the boobs.

That's five.

You're so generous.
(LAUGHING)

That's four!

You can take one
of your boobs back.

Perhaps now...

You can say hello
to my little friend.

♪ When it's through,
it's through ♪

I... I'm so sorry,
that was the wrong chor.

Um, let me start over,
shall I?

♪ Hold on little girl

♪ Show me what
he's done to you

♪ Stand up, little girl

♪ Fate will twist
the both of you

♪ So come on, baby,
come on over

♪ Let me be the one

♪ To show you

Who am I kidding?

♪ Build up
your confidence

♪ You can be
on top for once

♪ Wake up
who cares about

♪ Little boys
that talk too much

♪ I've seen it all
go down

♪ Your game of love
is all rained out

♪ So come on, baby,
come on over

♪ Let me be the one

♪ To hold you ♪

Thank you
very much, sir.

Don't thank me,
thank Mr. Big.

BOTH:
♪ I'm the one who wants

♪ To be with you

♪ Deep inside I hope

♪ You feel it too ♪

I don't know why Timmy
had to go through all ts

to tell me he
and Russell are gay.

BOTH:
♪ Waited on a line of..

♪ Waited on a line

BOTH:
♪ Just to be the next

♪ To be with you

♪ I'm the one who wants to..

♪ We can
be together, baby

BOTH:
♪ Deep inside I hope

♪ You feel it too

♪ I feel it

BOTH:
♪ Waited on a line of..

♪ Waited on a line

BOTH:
♪ Just to be the next

♪ To be with you

♪ You

BOTH:
♪ Just to be the next
to be with you

♪ With you guys ♪

Jeff, who knew
you were so romantic?

I'll tell you who knew.
My wife, that's who.

(GIGGLING)
Look at her.

Always the
counter-clockwise stir,

followed by
the two taps.

Damn, I love
your consistency.

All right,
you can stop now.

You've gotten
all the rich rewards
you're gonna get.

Oh, thanks, guys.
We'll get the next one.

Oh, actually, Jeff,
I'm pretty sure
it's our turn.

It all evens out
in the end.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, it doesn't.
It doesn't.

Adam, let it go.

Since when do we argue
over a couple of bucks
for breakfast?

We opened up your mail,
and found out you guys have,
like, a billion dollars,

you cheap bastard.

We'll get this one.