Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Bank - full transcript
Jeff brags to Adam about a strategy he refers to as "the bank," a list of mistakes that Audrey has made, which he uses to diffuse her anger when he messes up. Meanwhile, Russell sends a suggestive e-mail to a co-worker with whom Timmy is infatuated.
[♪♪♪]
Good morning, Timmy.
Oh, a very good morning
to you as well.
Do you know
if this coffee is fresh?
If it were any fresher,
you'd have to slap it, ha.
[CHUCKLES]
-That's funny, heh.
-Indeed.
Anyway, guess I'll see you around.
Yes.
And I wish you a peaceful Tuesday.
-Peaceful?
-To offset the influence of Mars...
...the god of war,
for whom Tuesday is named.
-Huh. How about that?
-Heh.
Wow. You hit her with the origin of
Tuesday and she's still not naked?
Oh, you're here.
Clearly the shuttle to and from hell
is back up and running.
Rough way to treat your mentor.
-Gum?
-No thanks.
No, I mean, gum.
So, uh, you likey the new girl.
What would make you say that, sir?
Well, please, your goggles are all
fogged up...
...and you were smiling so big...
...you looked like
the Cleveland Indians' mascot.
Now then, I do admit
to being quite taken by Allison.
She has a certain something
I can't quite put my finger on.
Ah, she's not gonna let you put
your finger on it...
...if you keep the days of the week
fun facts coming.
Sir, not every romantic interaction
begins with, "You're not a cop, are you?"
RUSSELL:
Hmm.
-As your mentor--
-You're not my mentor.
As your mentor...
...if you want to bag Allison...
...you gotta step into it a little bit,
you know? Notch up the offensive.
I'm not trying to bag Allison, sir.
I'm trying to lay the groundwork
for a meaningful relationship.
[IN UNISON]
Groundwork's all you'll be laying.
-Whatever.
-Good one.
I know chicks like this,
they're all librarian on the outside.
Inside's a sexy vixen waiting
for you to bust her out.
Save your breath, sir.
I'd much sooner take romantic advice
from Mr. Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.
-Ouch.
-If I've offended you, I apologize.
Which might in fact be an opening
for you to apologize...
...for all your offensive comments
aimed at me.
Hmm? No? Didn't think so.
Ha-ha!
What are you doing
at Timmy's computer?
I'm sending an email
to that new chick from Timmy.
But Timmy's not here.
Has anyone ever successfully
explained something to you?
Lots of times.
Great.
Okay, I'm sending it as Timmy...
...because he doesn't know
how to close the deal.
-As his mentor--
-Uh, you're not his mentor.
I'm his mentor, all right?
I'm giving him
a little poetic assistance.
"And lick the vanilla icing
off your sweet rack"?
I wanted to go romantic.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ When you're by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
-Oh, jeez.
-Mm.
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
Oh, by the way,
I found my other rollerblade...
...so you can disregard my email.
-You'll never guess where I found it.
-I never will.
Look, you and I
have hung out a lot today.
-Yeah.
-So, uh....
-Can I finish my beer?
-How much is left?
[BEER SLOSHING FAINTLY]
It's, like, less than half.
Fine.
Hey, Jeff, uh, I'm on hold
with the people from that Pilates studio.
They say I'm not signed up for my
class. You mailed that check, right?
Oh. No. I'm sorry.
It's right over here.
Well, how could you forget that?
It was weeks ago.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Um, I owe you an apology.
Oh, man, looks like
doghouse city for you.
-Oh, I'm gonna be fine.
-How do you figure, man?
Audrey had the same look Jen had...
...when she found my rollerblade
in her bubble bath.
See, whenever Aud screws up...
...instead of getting mad
and shoving it in her face...
...I just deposit it into this handy file.
The bank.
-The bank?
-Tsk.
That's right.
Then when I screw up...
...I withdraw one of her old screw-ups
to neutralize her anger.
Seems kind of petty and manipulative.
Thanks.
Great, you didn't mail that check...
...and now there are no more spots
left in the class.
Never forget to mail a check
to the beer of the month club, do you?
First of all,
I have that on autopay, and....
You know, I said I was sorry.
And people forget things.
I mean, just by way of random example,
uh, a few weeks ago...
...uh, you forgot to return
that Mamma Mia! DVD.
And by the time we found it
in the couch cushions, we owned it.
For 80 bucks.
-Well, that was--
-A similar incident? Sure.
But I only bring it up
to show that people aren't perfect.
Well, that's true.
I don't think I even got mad at you.
No, you were actually
pretty understanding.
So I guess this is,
like, a teachable moment.
You're right. I'm sorry I got upset.
[MOUTHS]
Wow.
Apology accepted.
I'm going to the dry cleaners.
Want me to pick you up a pizza?
I'll end the suspense. Yes.
Bye.
She stopped being mad,
and she's gonna get you a pizza?
Thank you for banking with us,
Mr. Bingham.
Oh, man, I gotta try this with Jen.
Well, I'm glad I could help.
Anyways, um....
I think we both know
what this means.
[♪♪♪]
Ah, good morning, my paid friend.
Yes, I'll just note that 2:15
is now part of the morning.
So make any progress with Allison?
Hmm?
She give you a shout-out
on the old email machine, hmm?
-No.
-Really?
Yes. And before you tell me to
notch up the offensive or step into it...
...or put something on a rag
and make her smell it...
...I've got it under control.
Oh, fine.
Far be it from me to get involved.
Yes, it be far.
-Well, I'm gonna take a little break.
-You've certainly earned it.
Make sure you're back by 3:10
or you'll miss quitting time.
Oh, hey there.
Allison is it?
Uh, right. Hello, Mr. Dunbar.
Hey there.
I don't think I've given you my official
welcome to the company, heh.
I have mace, heh.
Jeez, relax.
Sorry.
It's just, I've heard some stories.
Oh, yeah? Well, some of them
are probably exaggerated...
...heh, for all you know.
-So having a little tea? Heh.
-Yes.
You know, speaking of tea, uh, it usually
comes from faraway places, like Asia...
...and darker in color
than, say, milk.
You know my assistant, Timmy,
right?
I'm familiar with his work.
I think he likes you, heh.
OMG alert.
Yes, he's made that
abundantly clear.
Ah.
Well, do you like him?
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, I know he's no Tom Cruise.
I mean, we know, heh.
He's got the goofy specs, built
like Mr. Salty, but he's a sweet kid.
-Well, I thought so, but, uh--
-But what?
Well, yesterday, he sent me this email...
-...that was just so shocking.
-Ah.
--ly good?
--ly disgusting.
Turns out he's a total pig.
And an idiot.
Why is he an idiot?
Well, to start, he spelled "straddle"
with Ts instead of Ds.
It's Ds?
It was like being sexually harassed
by a fourth grader.
Well, maybe when he was a kid
he was dyslexic.
But his parents didn't notice
because they were too busy...
...self-medicating
with gin and cough syrup.
Using their friends as pawns
in their games of sexual chess.
Well, that might excuse
his near-literacy.
With that ugly attitude...
...he'll never have any sort
of meaningful relationship.
Sorry. I guess those are tough words
to hear about your friend.
Yeah, my friend.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, hon, back from the store.
Oh, great, just in time.
Let me have the milk.
Oh, yeah.
You forgot the milk? I just
reminded you, like, 15 minutes ago.
It was the one thing I asked for.
Oh, yeah? Well....
How about the time
we were broken up...
...and you had sex
with your ex-boyfriend, huh?
What?
Did you actually just say that?
Yeah.
It shows that we all make mistakes.
This isn't a teachable moment, is it?
[SHOWER RUNNING]
JEFF:
♪ We are the champions ♪
♪ We are the champions
No time for losers ♪
♪ Because we are the champions ♪
♪ Of the world ♪♪
Jeff.
Yeah?
-Want in on this?
-No, I'm good. I was on the computer...
...trying to cancel the check I wrote
for that Pilates class...
...when I came upon a little file
called Bank.
-Did you?
-Yeah.
Still feel like the champion
of the world?
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
A file?
You keep a file of every mistake
I have made over the years?
I'm sure I've missed a few.
I'm not perfect.
Oh, my God.
Every time when you were
so understanding, it was just a ploy.
I learned early that if you
screwed up and I called you on it...
...you'd just get madder at me.
I'd get nothing out of it.
Why do you have to get something
out of it?
Why can't you just be
kind and understanding?
That would be fine in a world of fairies
and magic bunnies.
This is marriage we're talking about.
It's a constant series of battles
to be won and lost.
How would you feel
if I stored up your screw-ups, huh?
Like when you forgot to pick me up
at the airport.
Or that time you forgot your credit card
at the strip club.
Tsk, well, I mean, first of all, those are
technically part of the same incident.
And, uh, secondly, it sounds to me
like you do store those up.
No, I just happen to remember them.
I don't log them into my hard drive.
Enjoy the guest room.
You're the one telling me I should
write stuff down so I don't forget.
You should be proud of me!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I think my bank needs a bailout.
[♪♪♪]
You sent this email to a woman,
an actual human woman?
Yeah, dude.
-That always works for me.
JEFF: Oh, really?
"I want to lick vanilla icing
off your lady bumps."
That stuff only works on
your particular brand of skank.
Don't think you can play cupid
just because you're the same height.
I'm sorry,
is this coming from two guys...
...who spent last night
spooning on a couch...
...because their chicks
gave them the boot?
We were not spooning.
Jeff was in the guest room
and I was on the couch.
-Till about 4:00 a.m.
-I heard a noise! I got scared!
So sad.
Good day there, gents.
RUSSELL: Hey.
-Hmm? What's that?
"Please join us for breakfast."
Thanks ever so much for asking,
but I can't.
You see, this is the morning...
...I make my move
on the enchanting Allison.
Mm-hm.
How? What, do you visit the father's
hut, swing a chicken around?
No. I am bringing her something...
...that comes close
to matching her in sweetness.
A cupcake.
-Uh, chocolate?
-Vanilla.
Well then, wish me luck.
Hmm? No? Nothing? That's fine.
Silent prayers then.
Heh, dude,
he got her a vanilla cupcake.
It's too perfect.
No, it's not perfect, man.
You gotta stop him.
-Yeah, he's walking into a buzz saw.
-All right, you guys are probably right.
This could be
the most humiliating experience.
I should stop it. I'm responsible.
I gotta be the one-- Yay. Pancakes!
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Knock, knock.
-Timmy.
I bring sweets for the sweet.
Oh.
I thought if I ignored you, you'd get
the message, but apparently not.
-Have I done something to offend you?
-Really?
You have no idea about the poem
you emailed me titled Points of Entry?
-Allison, I didn't send you any email.
-Then what's this?
[TYPING]
-Mr. Dunbar.
-What about him?
He sent that.
-You have to believe me.
-Why should I?
Allison,
I was first in my class at Oxford.
Do you really think I'd spell "pelvis"
with two Ls?
I guess not. And I did think it was odd
that you misspelled "finish."
No, that's actually correct.
It refers to an apparatus
he ordered from Finland.
But I assure you,
I would never disrespect you...
...or any other woman
with this kind of language.
It's such a relief to know that
you're still the charming gentleman...
...I thought you were.
And an even greater relief
to hear you call me charming.
You are, heh. I mean, you're certainly
not the kind of person...
...that would want to watch me
do this, heh.
With a jar of that.
Ahem, goodness no. Um....
And I'm certainly far too refined
to even suggest that we try that.
How can you do that?
That's what the Helsinki harness
is for.
But if we were to complete that act...
...one can see how it would segue
very nicely into, uh....
Oh, into that right there in all caps.
It all seems so forbidden
and naughty.
Naughty indeed.
[ALLISON GASPS]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, honey.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hooray. You're here.
Look, I feel really bad
about last night.
So I brought you a little something.
That's cute.
Okay, look, I know this doesn't
make up for what I said.
But I thought it might get us
2 percent closer.
[CHUCKLES]
You're such a dork.
I'm really sorry.
It was just so harsh
and out of nowhere.
-I know. I mean, see, Jeff said--
-My God, I knew this smelled like him.
You know, lately
so does the elevator.
-We don't need his relationship tricks.
-I know, and to be honest...
...I'm not upset you slept
with Serge when we broke up.
-Well, you shouldn't be.
-And I have got no right to complain...
...because that week
I slept with my ex and her friend, heh.
Oh, look, we have another carton
right here in the door.
Brain fart.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, I'd like the apartment to be bigger
too but I don't think that's gonna do it.
I'm stretching. Something
I was hoping to do in Pilates.
Speaking of which.
-You got me into the class?
-I did.
It was totally full. How'd you do that?
Know anything about scoliosis?
No.
Well, read up, because the Pilates
people think you have it.
Are you still mad about....
No, I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed.
I don't want to be a couple
who fights like that...
...all calculating, storing stuff up,
using it later.
Tell you what, how about
from now on--
Oh, I agree, no more fighting.
Well, that's a little pie
in the sky. Uh....
I was gonna say...
...how about we just fight about
what we're fighting about at the time.
Okay.
Let's start by deleting the bank.
All right, and I'll get rid of this too.
[JEFF SIGHS]
[THUMP]
You printed it out?
You gotta have backup
of all your important files.
Let's just say that the computer
crashes, what, are we gonna not fight?
Oh, you've been saving this stuff up
since I spilled gravy on your tuxedo?
I wasn't gonna yell at you
on our wedding day.
August '98, dropped new camera
into the Grand Canyon.
You wouldn't wear the strap because
it clashed with your stupid purse.
Is what I didn't say at the time.
June '06, paid for insurance on rental
car when credit card covered anyway.
January '09, asked for a bite
of my sandwich, took three.
Wow.
-Ha, ha, we have had some good times.
-Yes, we have.
You know,
maybe we shouldn't destroy this.
No?
-I mean, we don't take a lot of pictures.
-Camera. Grand Canyon.
Right.
It's pretty much
the, uh, only record of our life together.
-A scrapbook of our marriage.
-Heh.
Or evidence for our divorce.
Who knows where
this crazy ride's gonna take us.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, I, uh, recorded Gran Torino in
the bedroom. You want to go watch it?
Yeah, sure.
Oh.
Um, I think my Oprahs
bumped it off the TiVo.
No problem.
Uh, we'll watch something else.
-Hmm.
-I'll be right in.
-I'm gonna get some chips.
-Okay.
[SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
The Office Depot people never let
on quite how versatile this baby was.
When they called it a five-position
chair, I think they missed a few.
Oh, now, I think it's for the best...
...if Mr. Dunbar never learns
of the role he played...
...in prompting
this most recent activity.
We wouldn't want to encourage
his involvement in our affairs.
Agreed.
In fact, let's just delete that email
right now.
Good idea.
Oh, and Allison.
Print out a copy first?
You read my mind.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Good morning, Timmy.
Oh, a very good morning
to you as well.
Do you know
if this coffee is fresh?
If it were any fresher,
you'd have to slap it, ha.
[CHUCKLES]
-That's funny, heh.
-Indeed.
Anyway, guess I'll see you around.
Yes.
And I wish you a peaceful Tuesday.
-Peaceful?
-To offset the influence of Mars...
...the god of war,
for whom Tuesday is named.
-Huh. How about that?
-Heh.
Wow. You hit her with the origin of
Tuesday and she's still not naked?
Oh, you're here.
Clearly the shuttle to and from hell
is back up and running.
Rough way to treat your mentor.
-Gum?
-No thanks.
No, I mean, gum.
So, uh, you likey the new girl.
What would make you say that, sir?
Well, please, your goggles are all
fogged up...
...and you were smiling so big...
...you looked like
the Cleveland Indians' mascot.
Now then, I do admit
to being quite taken by Allison.
She has a certain something
I can't quite put my finger on.
Ah, she's not gonna let you put
your finger on it...
...if you keep the days of the week
fun facts coming.
Sir, not every romantic interaction
begins with, "You're not a cop, are you?"
RUSSELL:
Hmm.
-As your mentor--
-You're not my mentor.
As your mentor...
...if you want to bag Allison...
...you gotta step into it a little bit,
you know? Notch up the offensive.
I'm not trying to bag Allison, sir.
I'm trying to lay the groundwork
for a meaningful relationship.
[IN UNISON]
Groundwork's all you'll be laying.
-Whatever.
-Good one.
I know chicks like this,
they're all librarian on the outside.
Inside's a sexy vixen waiting
for you to bust her out.
Save your breath, sir.
I'd much sooner take romantic advice
from Mr. Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.
-Ouch.
-If I've offended you, I apologize.
Which might in fact be an opening
for you to apologize...
...for all your offensive comments
aimed at me.
Hmm? No? Didn't think so.
Ha-ha!
What are you doing
at Timmy's computer?
I'm sending an email
to that new chick from Timmy.
But Timmy's not here.
Has anyone ever successfully
explained something to you?
Lots of times.
Great.
Okay, I'm sending it as Timmy...
...because he doesn't know
how to close the deal.
-As his mentor--
-Uh, you're not his mentor.
I'm his mentor, all right?
I'm giving him
a little poetic assistance.
"And lick the vanilla icing
off your sweet rack"?
I wanted to go romantic.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ When you're by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
-Oh, jeez.
-Mm.
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
Oh, by the way,
I found my other rollerblade...
...so you can disregard my email.
-You'll never guess where I found it.
-I never will.
Look, you and I
have hung out a lot today.
-Yeah.
-So, uh....
-Can I finish my beer?
-How much is left?
[BEER SLOSHING FAINTLY]
It's, like, less than half.
Fine.
Hey, Jeff, uh, I'm on hold
with the people from that Pilates studio.
They say I'm not signed up for my
class. You mailed that check, right?
Oh. No. I'm sorry.
It's right over here.
Well, how could you forget that?
It was weeks ago.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Um, I owe you an apology.
Oh, man, looks like
doghouse city for you.
-Oh, I'm gonna be fine.
-How do you figure, man?
Audrey had the same look Jen had...
...when she found my rollerblade
in her bubble bath.
See, whenever Aud screws up...
...instead of getting mad
and shoving it in her face...
...I just deposit it into this handy file.
The bank.
-The bank?
-Tsk.
That's right.
Then when I screw up...
...I withdraw one of her old screw-ups
to neutralize her anger.
Seems kind of petty and manipulative.
Thanks.
Great, you didn't mail that check...
...and now there are no more spots
left in the class.
Never forget to mail a check
to the beer of the month club, do you?
First of all,
I have that on autopay, and....
You know, I said I was sorry.
And people forget things.
I mean, just by way of random example,
uh, a few weeks ago...
...uh, you forgot to return
that Mamma Mia! DVD.
And by the time we found it
in the couch cushions, we owned it.
For 80 bucks.
-Well, that was--
-A similar incident? Sure.
But I only bring it up
to show that people aren't perfect.
Well, that's true.
I don't think I even got mad at you.
No, you were actually
pretty understanding.
So I guess this is,
like, a teachable moment.
You're right. I'm sorry I got upset.
[MOUTHS]
Wow.
Apology accepted.
I'm going to the dry cleaners.
Want me to pick you up a pizza?
I'll end the suspense. Yes.
Bye.
She stopped being mad,
and she's gonna get you a pizza?
Thank you for banking with us,
Mr. Bingham.
Oh, man, I gotta try this with Jen.
Well, I'm glad I could help.
Anyways, um....
I think we both know
what this means.
[♪♪♪]
Ah, good morning, my paid friend.
Yes, I'll just note that 2:15
is now part of the morning.
So make any progress with Allison?
Hmm?
She give you a shout-out
on the old email machine, hmm?
-No.
-Really?
Yes. And before you tell me to
notch up the offensive or step into it...
...or put something on a rag
and make her smell it...
...I've got it under control.
Oh, fine.
Far be it from me to get involved.
Yes, it be far.
-Well, I'm gonna take a little break.
-You've certainly earned it.
Make sure you're back by 3:10
or you'll miss quitting time.
Oh, hey there.
Allison is it?
Uh, right. Hello, Mr. Dunbar.
Hey there.
I don't think I've given you my official
welcome to the company, heh.
I have mace, heh.
Jeez, relax.
Sorry.
It's just, I've heard some stories.
Oh, yeah? Well, some of them
are probably exaggerated...
...heh, for all you know.
-So having a little tea? Heh.
-Yes.
You know, speaking of tea, uh, it usually
comes from faraway places, like Asia...
...and darker in color
than, say, milk.
You know my assistant, Timmy,
right?
I'm familiar with his work.
I think he likes you, heh.
OMG alert.
Yes, he's made that
abundantly clear.
Ah.
Well, do you like him?
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, I know he's no Tom Cruise.
I mean, we know, heh.
He's got the goofy specs, built
like Mr. Salty, but he's a sweet kid.
-Well, I thought so, but, uh--
-But what?
Well, yesterday, he sent me this email...
-...that was just so shocking.
-Ah.
--ly good?
--ly disgusting.
Turns out he's a total pig.
And an idiot.
Why is he an idiot?
Well, to start, he spelled "straddle"
with Ts instead of Ds.
It's Ds?
It was like being sexually harassed
by a fourth grader.
Well, maybe when he was a kid
he was dyslexic.
But his parents didn't notice
because they were too busy...
...self-medicating
with gin and cough syrup.
Using their friends as pawns
in their games of sexual chess.
Well, that might excuse
his near-literacy.
With that ugly attitude...
...he'll never have any sort
of meaningful relationship.
Sorry. I guess those are tough words
to hear about your friend.
Yeah, my friend.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, hon, back from the store.
Oh, great, just in time.
Let me have the milk.
Oh, yeah.
You forgot the milk? I just
reminded you, like, 15 minutes ago.
It was the one thing I asked for.
Oh, yeah? Well....
How about the time
we were broken up...
...and you had sex
with your ex-boyfriend, huh?
What?
Did you actually just say that?
Yeah.
It shows that we all make mistakes.
This isn't a teachable moment, is it?
[SHOWER RUNNING]
JEFF:
♪ We are the champions ♪
♪ We are the champions
No time for losers ♪
♪ Because we are the champions ♪
♪ Of the world ♪♪
Jeff.
Yeah?
-Want in on this?
-No, I'm good. I was on the computer...
...trying to cancel the check I wrote
for that Pilates class...
...when I came upon a little file
called Bank.
-Did you?
-Yeah.
Still feel like the champion
of the world?
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
A file?
You keep a file of every mistake
I have made over the years?
I'm sure I've missed a few.
I'm not perfect.
Oh, my God.
Every time when you were
so understanding, it was just a ploy.
I learned early that if you
screwed up and I called you on it...
...you'd just get madder at me.
I'd get nothing out of it.
Why do you have to get something
out of it?
Why can't you just be
kind and understanding?
That would be fine in a world of fairies
and magic bunnies.
This is marriage we're talking about.
It's a constant series of battles
to be won and lost.
How would you feel
if I stored up your screw-ups, huh?
Like when you forgot to pick me up
at the airport.
Or that time you forgot your credit card
at the strip club.
Tsk, well, I mean, first of all, those are
technically part of the same incident.
And, uh, secondly, it sounds to me
like you do store those up.
No, I just happen to remember them.
I don't log them into my hard drive.
Enjoy the guest room.
You're the one telling me I should
write stuff down so I don't forget.
You should be proud of me!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I think my bank needs a bailout.
[♪♪♪]
You sent this email to a woman,
an actual human woman?
Yeah, dude.
-That always works for me.
JEFF: Oh, really?
"I want to lick vanilla icing
off your lady bumps."
That stuff only works on
your particular brand of skank.
Don't think you can play cupid
just because you're the same height.
I'm sorry,
is this coming from two guys...
...who spent last night
spooning on a couch...
...because their chicks
gave them the boot?
We were not spooning.
Jeff was in the guest room
and I was on the couch.
-Till about 4:00 a.m.
-I heard a noise! I got scared!
So sad.
Good day there, gents.
RUSSELL: Hey.
-Hmm? What's that?
"Please join us for breakfast."
Thanks ever so much for asking,
but I can't.
You see, this is the morning...
...I make my move
on the enchanting Allison.
Mm-hm.
How? What, do you visit the father's
hut, swing a chicken around?
No. I am bringing her something...
...that comes close
to matching her in sweetness.
A cupcake.
-Uh, chocolate?
-Vanilla.
Well then, wish me luck.
Hmm? No? Nothing? That's fine.
Silent prayers then.
Heh, dude,
he got her a vanilla cupcake.
It's too perfect.
No, it's not perfect, man.
You gotta stop him.
-Yeah, he's walking into a buzz saw.
-All right, you guys are probably right.
This could be
the most humiliating experience.
I should stop it. I'm responsible.
I gotta be the one-- Yay. Pancakes!
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Knock, knock.
-Timmy.
I bring sweets for the sweet.
Oh.
I thought if I ignored you, you'd get
the message, but apparently not.
-Have I done something to offend you?
-Really?
You have no idea about the poem
you emailed me titled Points of Entry?
-Allison, I didn't send you any email.
-Then what's this?
[TYPING]
-Mr. Dunbar.
-What about him?
He sent that.
-You have to believe me.
-Why should I?
Allison,
I was first in my class at Oxford.
Do you really think I'd spell "pelvis"
with two Ls?
I guess not. And I did think it was odd
that you misspelled "finish."
No, that's actually correct.
It refers to an apparatus
he ordered from Finland.
But I assure you,
I would never disrespect you...
...or any other woman
with this kind of language.
It's such a relief to know that
you're still the charming gentleman...
...I thought you were.
And an even greater relief
to hear you call me charming.
You are, heh. I mean, you're certainly
not the kind of person...
...that would want to watch me
do this, heh.
With a jar of that.
Ahem, goodness no. Um....
And I'm certainly far too refined
to even suggest that we try that.
How can you do that?
That's what the Helsinki harness
is for.
But if we were to complete that act...
...one can see how it would segue
very nicely into, uh....
Oh, into that right there in all caps.
It all seems so forbidden
and naughty.
Naughty indeed.
[ALLISON GASPS]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, honey.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hooray. You're here.
Look, I feel really bad
about last night.
So I brought you a little something.
That's cute.
Okay, look, I know this doesn't
make up for what I said.
But I thought it might get us
2 percent closer.
[CHUCKLES]
You're such a dork.
I'm really sorry.
It was just so harsh
and out of nowhere.
-I know. I mean, see, Jeff said--
-My God, I knew this smelled like him.
You know, lately
so does the elevator.
-We don't need his relationship tricks.
-I know, and to be honest...
...I'm not upset you slept
with Serge when we broke up.
-Well, you shouldn't be.
-And I have got no right to complain...
...because that week
I slept with my ex and her friend, heh.
Oh, look, we have another carton
right here in the door.
Brain fart.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, I'd like the apartment to be bigger
too but I don't think that's gonna do it.
I'm stretching. Something
I was hoping to do in Pilates.
Speaking of which.
-You got me into the class?
-I did.
It was totally full. How'd you do that?
Know anything about scoliosis?
No.
Well, read up, because the Pilates
people think you have it.
Are you still mad about....
No, I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed.
I don't want to be a couple
who fights like that...
...all calculating, storing stuff up,
using it later.
Tell you what, how about
from now on--
Oh, I agree, no more fighting.
Well, that's a little pie
in the sky. Uh....
I was gonna say...
...how about we just fight about
what we're fighting about at the time.
Okay.
Let's start by deleting the bank.
All right, and I'll get rid of this too.
[JEFF SIGHS]
[THUMP]
You printed it out?
You gotta have backup
of all your important files.
Let's just say that the computer
crashes, what, are we gonna not fight?
Oh, you've been saving this stuff up
since I spilled gravy on your tuxedo?
I wasn't gonna yell at you
on our wedding day.
August '98, dropped new camera
into the Grand Canyon.
You wouldn't wear the strap because
it clashed with your stupid purse.
Is what I didn't say at the time.
June '06, paid for insurance on rental
car when credit card covered anyway.
January '09, asked for a bite
of my sandwich, took three.
Wow.
-Ha, ha, we have had some good times.
-Yes, we have.
You know,
maybe we shouldn't destroy this.
No?
-I mean, we don't take a lot of pictures.
-Camera. Grand Canyon.
Right.
It's pretty much
the, uh, only record of our life together.
-A scrapbook of our marriage.
-Heh.
Or evidence for our divorce.
Who knows where
this crazy ride's gonna take us.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, I, uh, recorded Gran Torino in
the bedroom. You want to go watch it?
Yeah, sure.
Oh.
Um, I think my Oprahs
bumped it off the TiVo.
No problem.
Uh, we'll watch something else.
-Hmm.
-I'll be right in.
-I'm gonna get some chips.
-Okay.
[SIGHS]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
The Office Depot people never let
on quite how versatile this baby was.
When they called it a five-position
chair, I think they missed a few.
Oh, now, I think it's for the best...
...if Mr. Dunbar never learns
of the role he played...
...in prompting
this most recent activity.
We wouldn't want to encourage
his involvement in our affairs.
Agreed.
In fact, let's just delete that email
right now.
Good idea.
Oh, and Allison.
Print out a copy first?
You read my mind.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]