Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 1 - Surro-gate - full transcript
Jeff unsuccessfully tries to keep Russell from sleeping with their new surrogate, while Adam tries to work on improving his rear end.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God.
You're gonna be our surrogate, heh.
She's gonna be our surrogate.
-I know, I've been here the whole time.
PAM: Heh.
-I'm just excited.
-I'm excited too. I'll see you guys soon?
-Okay.
-Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey there. Russell Dunbar.
Pam Nelson.
I know a Pam Nelson.
She finds me charming and adorable.
Oh, wait, that's you.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Wow.
Has that line ever worked?
Heh, we'll see.
No!
Can you believe it?
I mean, after all that searching,
and she's perfect.
She was perfect
when she left our apartment.
Let's go inside.
You know, I was thinking.
-Sometimes these things have--
-Inside.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
And so Bartholomew Vader...
...named the device after his daughter,
Ella, which is why we call it the elevator.
Really.
It has nothing to do
with the fact that it elevates, huh?
No. In fact, Bartholomew almost
named it after himself, the Barth Vader.
-Well, it was nice talking to you.
-Yeah, you too.
So where are you headed?
Oh, really? I'm headed that way too.
Uh, let's share a cab.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oscar, did you see a blond lady with
what looks like a smaller blond lady?
-Yes, I just got a cab for them.
-Why, why did you do that?
-Because they tip me.
-Ah.
If you'd like,
I can explain what that means.
Pick up, pick up pick up.
Yay. Voicemail.
Russell, the woman that you're with...
...is the surrogate that Audrey
and I hired to carry our child.
Do not touch her. Stay off.
Get off her!
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ When you're by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGS]
Russell Dunbar's office.
Oh, hello Mr. Bingham.
What?
Oh, dear.
So you want me
to track down my boss...
...before he pollutes
your would-be surrogate.
Just another day at the office
for Timmy.
Look, it's important.
Remember that time Russell
touched one of Audrey's french fries?
Well, now, imagine if that french fry
was gonna carry her child...
...and instead of touching it,
he whips out--
Yes, sir, analogy landed.
I'll find him. Um....
My first stop will be the laser light show
at the Planetarium.
He's into that?
No, he just finds that the show leaves
women confused and disoriented.
He's into that.
Well, see, if he touches Pam...
...I'm gonna confuse
and disorient his face.
And with that pithy bon mot
from your rapier-like wit, I'm off.
What?
[♪♪♪]
That is such great news.
We're so happy for you.
Yeah, congrats.
Hey, you know,
we might use a surrogate too.
Why would we do that?
Well, with a surrogate,
you won't get all big and bloated.
And let's be honest, we all know
where the baby comes out, heh.
No, I don't. Where?
[CHUCKLES]
Don't make me say it.
Hey, there they are.
Oh, hey, congrats
on the surrogate, buddy.
Jeff, where did you just go?
I just ran down the stairs
and then, uh, back up again.
-Why?
-That's great exercise.
It's great exercise.
You have to be in good shape
if you're chasing a kid around.
What are you, a mind-reader? Because
that's exactly why I was doing it.
You know, running the stairs
could be the answer to my problem.
What problem?
Well, the other day
my wallet fell out of my back pocket.
You know, and it used to fit
all snugly in my pants, but....
My butt's getting smaller.
He's worried he'll end up like his dad.
You mean with a son
who tells really dull stories?
No, his dad has just about
no rear end at all.
It's lower back straight into legs.
It's almost to the point
where he can't use a conventional chair.
Running the stairs could give me
the rounded muscular buttocks I want.
That we want.
That's a great story.
Let's end this visit on a high-note.
Congrats again, you guys.
ADAM: Hey, what do you want to be
for Halloween this year?
Can you believe we're that much closer
to being parents?
It's freaky.
Give me Pam's number.
-I wanna call her.
-Why?
To thank her
for letting us use her innards.
Oh, heh.
I like your enthusiasm,
don't like "innards." Ahem.
-Voicemail.
-Hey. Give it to me.
Pam, Jeff Bingham.
We already miss you and we want
to talk to you, so call me back.
And, uh, for instance,
say you're gonna do some activity.
Call me before you do the activity.
Call me.
And Audrey says hey.
What?
I'm excited about having a baby.
God, I--
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this.
[♪♪♪]
PAM:
Whoa.
Yeah, it's pretty wild, huh?
I guess they started doing these shows
in the mid-'70s, before I was born.
I'm young.
Yeah, it's hypnotic.
I'm actually starting to get a little dizzy
and light-headed.
Really? That's wildly unexpected.
Maybe we should get out of here
and go somewhere else.
Yeah, okay.
[PAM SIGHS]
Wow. My neck's a little tight.
Hopefully the next place we go doesn't
involve me staring up at the ceiling.
No. That'll be your call.
[♪♪♪]
Come on, Jeff, keep up.
Running the stairs was your idea.
Yeah.
This is exactly how I was hoping...
-...it would play out.
-Keep going.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
I'm getting a call. Ah.
It's probably Death letting me know
he's on his way.
It's a client. You go, I'll catch up.
Huh, if you can catch up.
If that's a challenge,
consider it accepted, heh.
What a nightmare.
Timmy, what's up? You find Russell?
No. But thanks to the second-hand
smoke, I have found a tasty buzz.
Come on, Timmy,
you gotta keep it together, all right?
What's your next move?
We needed someone
to stake out Mr. Dunbar's apartment...
...in case he brings Pam.
I asked Jennifer.
Not Adam?
Uh, I tried, but he said he was busy.
Oh, hey, buddy.
It's time to start working my ass.
Whoo!
That's too bad.
He could have made
a valuable member of the team.
Well, I'm off to the hot-dog place
on 72nd street.
Russell takes girls out for a wiener.
That's real subtle.
No, but if I don't get
a chili cheese dog soon...
...it will assuredly harsh my mellow.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Timmy, I'm in the hallway.
Excellent.
Excellent hot dogs.
[GROANS]
So this is the place
where hope and dignity go to die.
Jennifer, I knew you'd come around.
But I need about 20 minutes to reload.
Please tell me that you weren't
just with a woman named Pam.
Let me think.
"Oh, Pam, oh, Pam, do it, Pam."
Yeah, it was Pam.
Wait, how did you know that?
I only tweeted it, like, five minutes ago.
@RussellDunbar, you follow me.
PAM:
Russell?
Yeah, babe?
-Is it all right if I take a quick shower?
-Sure, babe.
Don't you need to go start
the hidden shower cam?
Mm. No. It's motion activated.
You have no idea
what you've just done.
All I've done is done
made me-self pretty tired.
-Yay!
JENNIFER: Oh, no! Oh.
Jennifer, what's wrong?
You saw what?
Oh, my....
[♪♪♪]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hey, Timmy, what's up?
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Okay.
No pain, no gain, old man, heh.
Oh, no! Oh!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
-Where's Russell?
-Mr. Bingham, yes. Oh.
Hi there, I'm so sorry, but Mr. Dunbar
is not available right now.
Um, of course you're more than
welcome to leave a message...
...but, uh, I'm afraid
you can't go in there, so, uh, heh....
Mr. Bingham is here to see you, sir.
Thank you, Timmy.
[CLEARS THROAT]
You defiled our surrogate.
I ought to smack that spray tan
right off of you.
Won't work. I got burnt sienna,
guaranteed for five days.
-Timmy get back in here.
TIMMY [OVER INTERCOM]: No.
Listen. Dude, I'm sorry,
but it's not my fault.
When Jen told me who she was,
I felt horrible.
And I only had sex with her again
because, you know...
...I wanted to have sex with her again.
You've ruined her for us.
Really? Is the thought of her
being with me that disgusting?
Absolutely.
TIMMY:
I agree.
I'm not that bad of a guy,
despite all your joking.
Am I laughing?
Hard to tell,
your face doesn't move a lot.
No, no.
Audrey's gonna hate this
even more than I do.
Oh, yeah, she's not a fan of mine.
That's why you don't tell her a thing.
No, that's not how
we're gonna play this.
You're gonna come over
and you're gonna tell her.
TIMMY [SINGSONG]:
Dun-dun-dun.
How do you turn this damn thing off?
TIMMY:
It's the blue button, sir.
Ha, just kidding, it's the red one.
[GROANS]
I can't tell Audrey, dude, she'll kill me.
No, no, Pam's gonna be around,
she'll see you.
It's better Audrey find out
than after I've paid her that money.
Or even worse, after she's all goofed up
with our baby stuff.
Aah!
Dude, I'm sorry.
I feel for you, buddy,
but, heh, I'm not telling Audrey.
And you can't make me.
Timmy, I'm gonna step out for a bit.
Hold my calls.
Yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, she's not here. Okay, cool.
Well, later, Lurch.
Hey, Jef-- Oof.
Oh, why is that here?
He's here for a reason.
He has something to tell you.
Russell?
Hey, Aud. Um....
We were just cruising around
the neighborhood and, um....
Like, uh, I hooked up with,
uh, that surrogate...
...and it won't happen again
and I'm sorry.
[LAUGHING]
-That's really good.
RUSSELL: Hmm?
AUDREY: That was very good.
RUSSELL: Heh.
-You guys almost had me, heh.
-Ha-ha-ha.
-The look on your face was priceless.
-Oh.
-Truly classic. Gotta go.
-Ha-ha-ha.
Russell.
-Be a man.
-No.
[SIGHS]
Audrey,
I actually did have sex with Pam.
I'm speechless.
So this is what it takes.
I swear I didn't know
she was your surrogate.
I just met her, like normal,
and then I asked her out...
...and then we went to my house
and then the usual, you know. Twice.
I knew it. I knew it.
It was too perfect.
I knew something had to go wrong.
I just didn't know how horribly,
horribly wrong.
Okay, we have fun. We do.
But seriously,
what's so bad about me?
You're sleazy, indiscriminate...
...deceitful, shallow, lustful...
...and you shame both women
and yourself.
Some chicks go for that.
I can't believe this.
We can't use Pam now.
-Why not?
-She slept with you.
So obviously she drinks too much.
She had one glass of wine.
Oh, so she does drugs.
-She didn't do any drugs.
-None that she knew of.
I didn't slip her--
I'm starting to question
how you see me.
You can go now.
No. I won't be going.
I've been disrespected...
...and I'm not leaving here
till I get an apology, how about that?
Ow!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Apology accepted.
How's the ass-blasting going?
You tell me.
[♪♪♪]
So, what are you thinking?
Well, on the one hand,
am I angry about what Russell did?
You betcha.
Did I fantasize about getting revenge?
Sure did.
Tsk, did I go online and look up poisons
that can't be detected in an autopsy?
Who wouldn't?
You could just feed him your meatloaf.
But despite what happened...
...I still think Pam
would make a great surrogate.
-I mean, logically, that hasn't changed.
-Right.
But what do you think?
I'm the one doing all the talking.
It's been that way since the wedding.
-What the hell is wrong with you?
-I'm sorry.
I'm not thrilled about what happened.
But I remember how relieved we were
when we found Pam.
Yes, I remember that too.
So listen, this is where I stand:
I just want you to be happy.
I want us to be happy.
You know what? Let's keep Pam.
-Yeah?
-Yes, yes.
We are too big and powerful
to let Russell have any effect on us.
-That's right, we're huge.
-Hmm.
He's nothing.
We are not gonna let him
ruin this for us.
No, we are not.
In fact, I am going to transfer the fee
to Pam right now.
Good.
By hitting this button right here.
Which will remove a large sum
of money from our account...
...and send it to hers.
-Do it.
-I will.
Because you're positive
that you're okay with her.
I am. You don't have to worry.
Go ahead, do it.
It's done.
[SIGHS]
Good. And you know what?
Now that this is behind us...
...I feel more positive about Pam
than I did before.
-Well, I'm glad to hear that.
-Yeah.
Now, it's actually done.
-Push.
-Push.
-Push!
-Push!
[GASPS]
[CRYING]
Hey.
He's good and hungry.
Uh-uh, Mama, no bottle.
I want the real thing.
Now, whip them puppies out.
[GASPS]
Oh, God.
Oh, God, Jeff. Wake up, wake up.
-I just had the worst dream.
-Shh, shh.
You'll wake the baby.
Too late. I'm up.
[SCREAMS]
What, what?
We need a new surrogate.
[♪♪♪]
So anyway,
that's why we had to let Pam go.
There is good news.
Remember how we used to have...
...thousands of dollars more
than we needed?
I'm sorry, you guys.
Well, looks like we're back
in the market for a surrogate.
Tsk, what about Jen?
What about Jen for what?
To be their surrogate.
What are you talking about?
We owe them.
They've always done nice stuff for us.
Remember when we left for the week
and they took in our mail for us?
How about we get them
a nice bottle of wine?
Yeah, that would probably be less
wear and tear on your rig.
Here's an idea,
why don't you think before you talk?
Will do.
Oh, sheesh, I gotta go.
This guy at the gym promised
he was gonna go nuts on my ass.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
So, you and Audrey
are back on the surrogate hunt?
Yeah. Thanks again for that.
You know, if I may...
...next time, you go with a real uggo.
You know,
make sure she's Russell-proof.
That's an interesting thought.
Or how about this, um:
You go anywhere near
our next surrogate...
...and I pound you until there's nothing
but a red puddle with bad '70s hair.
It's always good to have choices.
-Hey.
-How was the gym?
That guy blast your ass?
No.
Why not?
Turns out we were talking about
two different things.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God.
You're gonna be our surrogate, heh.
She's gonna be our surrogate.
-I know, I've been here the whole time.
PAM: Heh.
-I'm just excited.
-I'm excited too. I'll see you guys soon?
-Okay.
-Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey there. Russell Dunbar.
Pam Nelson.
I know a Pam Nelson.
She finds me charming and adorable.
Oh, wait, that's you.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Wow.
Has that line ever worked?
Heh, we'll see.
No!
Can you believe it?
I mean, after all that searching,
and she's perfect.
She was perfect
when she left our apartment.
Let's go inside.
You know, I was thinking.
-Sometimes these things have--
-Inside.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
And so Bartholomew Vader...
...named the device after his daughter,
Ella, which is why we call it the elevator.
Really.
It has nothing to do
with the fact that it elevates, huh?
No. In fact, Bartholomew almost
named it after himself, the Barth Vader.
-Well, it was nice talking to you.
-Yeah, you too.
So where are you headed?
Oh, really? I'm headed that way too.
Uh, let's share a cab.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oscar, did you see a blond lady with
what looks like a smaller blond lady?
-Yes, I just got a cab for them.
-Why, why did you do that?
-Because they tip me.
-Ah.
If you'd like,
I can explain what that means.
Pick up, pick up pick up.
Yay. Voicemail.
Russell, the woman that you're with...
...is the surrogate that Audrey
and I hired to carry our child.
Do not touch her. Stay off.
Get off her!
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ When you're by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
[PHONE RINGS]
Russell Dunbar's office.
Oh, hello Mr. Bingham.
What?
Oh, dear.
So you want me
to track down my boss...
...before he pollutes
your would-be surrogate.
Just another day at the office
for Timmy.
Look, it's important.
Remember that time Russell
touched one of Audrey's french fries?
Well, now, imagine if that french fry
was gonna carry her child...
...and instead of touching it,
he whips out--
Yes, sir, analogy landed.
I'll find him. Um....
My first stop will be the laser light show
at the Planetarium.
He's into that?
No, he just finds that the show leaves
women confused and disoriented.
He's into that.
Well, see, if he touches Pam...
...I'm gonna confuse
and disorient his face.
And with that pithy bon mot
from your rapier-like wit, I'm off.
What?
[♪♪♪]
That is such great news.
We're so happy for you.
Yeah, congrats.
Hey, you know,
we might use a surrogate too.
Why would we do that?
Well, with a surrogate,
you won't get all big and bloated.
And let's be honest, we all know
where the baby comes out, heh.
No, I don't. Where?
[CHUCKLES]
Don't make me say it.
Hey, there they are.
Oh, hey, congrats
on the surrogate, buddy.
Jeff, where did you just go?
I just ran down the stairs
and then, uh, back up again.
-Why?
-That's great exercise.
It's great exercise.
You have to be in good shape
if you're chasing a kid around.
What are you, a mind-reader? Because
that's exactly why I was doing it.
You know, running the stairs
could be the answer to my problem.
What problem?
Well, the other day
my wallet fell out of my back pocket.
You know, and it used to fit
all snugly in my pants, but....
My butt's getting smaller.
He's worried he'll end up like his dad.
You mean with a son
who tells really dull stories?
No, his dad has just about
no rear end at all.
It's lower back straight into legs.
It's almost to the point
where he can't use a conventional chair.
Running the stairs could give me
the rounded muscular buttocks I want.
That we want.
That's a great story.
Let's end this visit on a high-note.
Congrats again, you guys.
ADAM: Hey, what do you want to be
for Halloween this year?
Can you believe we're that much closer
to being parents?
It's freaky.
Give me Pam's number.
-I wanna call her.
-Why?
To thank her
for letting us use her innards.
Oh, heh.
I like your enthusiasm,
don't like "innards." Ahem.
-Voicemail.
-Hey. Give it to me.
Pam, Jeff Bingham.
We already miss you and we want
to talk to you, so call me back.
And, uh, for instance,
say you're gonna do some activity.
Call me before you do the activity.
Call me.
And Audrey says hey.
What?
I'm excited about having a baby.
God, I--
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in this.
[♪♪♪]
PAM:
Whoa.
Yeah, it's pretty wild, huh?
I guess they started doing these shows
in the mid-'70s, before I was born.
I'm young.
Yeah, it's hypnotic.
I'm actually starting to get a little dizzy
and light-headed.
Really? That's wildly unexpected.
Maybe we should get out of here
and go somewhere else.
Yeah, okay.
[PAM SIGHS]
Wow. My neck's a little tight.
Hopefully the next place we go doesn't
involve me staring up at the ceiling.
No. That'll be your call.
[♪♪♪]
Come on, Jeff, keep up.
Running the stairs was your idea.
Yeah.
This is exactly how I was hoping...
-...it would play out.
-Keep going.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
I'm getting a call. Ah.
It's probably Death letting me know
he's on his way.
It's a client. You go, I'll catch up.
Huh, if you can catch up.
If that's a challenge,
consider it accepted, heh.
What a nightmare.
Timmy, what's up? You find Russell?
No. But thanks to the second-hand
smoke, I have found a tasty buzz.
Come on, Timmy,
you gotta keep it together, all right?
What's your next move?
We needed someone
to stake out Mr. Dunbar's apartment...
...in case he brings Pam.
I asked Jennifer.
Not Adam?
Uh, I tried, but he said he was busy.
Oh, hey, buddy.
It's time to start working my ass.
Whoo!
That's too bad.
He could have made
a valuable member of the team.
Well, I'm off to the hot-dog place
on 72nd street.
Russell takes girls out for a wiener.
That's real subtle.
No, but if I don't get
a chili cheese dog soon...
...it will assuredly harsh my mellow.
[♪♪♪]
All right, Timmy, I'm in the hallway.
Excellent.
Excellent hot dogs.
[GROANS]
So this is the place
where hope and dignity go to die.
Jennifer, I knew you'd come around.
But I need about 20 minutes to reload.
Please tell me that you weren't
just with a woman named Pam.
Let me think.
"Oh, Pam, oh, Pam, do it, Pam."
Yeah, it was Pam.
Wait, how did you know that?
I only tweeted it, like, five minutes ago.
@RussellDunbar, you follow me.
PAM:
Russell?
Yeah, babe?
-Is it all right if I take a quick shower?
-Sure, babe.
Don't you need to go start
the hidden shower cam?
Mm. No. It's motion activated.
You have no idea
what you've just done.
All I've done is done
made me-self pretty tired.
-Yay!
JENNIFER: Oh, no! Oh.
Jennifer, what's wrong?
You saw what?
Oh, my....
[♪♪♪]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Hey, Timmy, what's up?
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Okay.
No pain, no gain, old man, heh.
Oh, no! Oh!
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
-Where's Russell?
-Mr. Bingham, yes. Oh.
Hi there, I'm so sorry, but Mr. Dunbar
is not available right now.
Um, of course you're more than
welcome to leave a message...
...but, uh, I'm afraid
you can't go in there, so, uh, heh....
Mr. Bingham is here to see you, sir.
Thank you, Timmy.
[CLEARS THROAT]
You defiled our surrogate.
I ought to smack that spray tan
right off of you.
Won't work. I got burnt sienna,
guaranteed for five days.
-Timmy get back in here.
TIMMY [OVER INTERCOM]: No.
Listen. Dude, I'm sorry,
but it's not my fault.
When Jen told me who she was,
I felt horrible.
And I only had sex with her again
because, you know...
...I wanted to have sex with her again.
You've ruined her for us.
Really? Is the thought of her
being with me that disgusting?
Absolutely.
TIMMY:
I agree.
I'm not that bad of a guy,
despite all your joking.
Am I laughing?
Hard to tell,
your face doesn't move a lot.
No, no.
Audrey's gonna hate this
even more than I do.
Oh, yeah, she's not a fan of mine.
That's why you don't tell her a thing.
No, that's not how
we're gonna play this.
You're gonna come over
and you're gonna tell her.
TIMMY [SINGSONG]:
Dun-dun-dun.
How do you turn this damn thing off?
TIMMY:
It's the blue button, sir.
Ha, just kidding, it's the red one.
[GROANS]
I can't tell Audrey, dude, she'll kill me.
No, no, Pam's gonna be around,
she'll see you.
It's better Audrey find out
than after I've paid her that money.
Or even worse, after she's all goofed up
with our baby stuff.
Aah!
Dude, I'm sorry.
I feel for you, buddy,
but, heh, I'm not telling Audrey.
And you can't make me.
Timmy, I'm gonna step out for a bit.
Hold my calls.
Yes, sir.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, she's not here. Okay, cool.
Well, later, Lurch.
Hey, Jef-- Oof.
Oh, why is that here?
He's here for a reason.
He has something to tell you.
Russell?
Hey, Aud. Um....
We were just cruising around
the neighborhood and, um....
Like, uh, I hooked up with,
uh, that surrogate...
...and it won't happen again
and I'm sorry.
[LAUGHING]
-That's really good.
RUSSELL: Hmm?
AUDREY: That was very good.
RUSSELL: Heh.
-You guys almost had me, heh.
-Ha-ha-ha.
-The look on your face was priceless.
-Oh.
-Truly classic. Gotta go.
-Ha-ha-ha.
Russell.
-Be a man.
-No.
[SIGHS]
Audrey,
I actually did have sex with Pam.
I'm speechless.
So this is what it takes.
I swear I didn't know
she was your surrogate.
I just met her, like normal,
and then I asked her out...
...and then we went to my house
and then the usual, you know. Twice.
I knew it. I knew it.
It was too perfect.
I knew something had to go wrong.
I just didn't know how horribly,
horribly wrong.
Okay, we have fun. We do.
But seriously,
what's so bad about me?
You're sleazy, indiscriminate...
...deceitful, shallow, lustful...
...and you shame both women
and yourself.
Some chicks go for that.
I can't believe this.
We can't use Pam now.
-Why not?
-She slept with you.
So obviously she drinks too much.
She had one glass of wine.
Oh, so she does drugs.
-She didn't do any drugs.
-None that she knew of.
I didn't slip her--
I'm starting to question
how you see me.
You can go now.
No. I won't be going.
I've been disrespected...
...and I'm not leaving here
till I get an apology, how about that?
Ow!
[DOOR CLOSES]
Apology accepted.
How's the ass-blasting going?
You tell me.
[♪♪♪]
So, what are you thinking?
Well, on the one hand,
am I angry about what Russell did?
You betcha.
Did I fantasize about getting revenge?
Sure did.
Tsk, did I go online and look up poisons
that can't be detected in an autopsy?
Who wouldn't?
You could just feed him your meatloaf.
But despite what happened...
...I still think Pam
would make a great surrogate.
-I mean, logically, that hasn't changed.
-Right.
But what do you think?
I'm the one doing all the talking.
It's been that way since the wedding.
-What the hell is wrong with you?
-I'm sorry.
I'm not thrilled about what happened.
But I remember how relieved we were
when we found Pam.
Yes, I remember that too.
So listen, this is where I stand:
I just want you to be happy.
I want us to be happy.
You know what? Let's keep Pam.
-Yeah?
-Yes, yes.
We are too big and powerful
to let Russell have any effect on us.
-That's right, we're huge.
-Hmm.
He's nothing.
We are not gonna let him
ruin this for us.
No, we are not.
In fact, I am going to transfer the fee
to Pam right now.
Good.
By hitting this button right here.
Which will remove a large sum
of money from our account...
...and send it to hers.
-Do it.
-I will.
Because you're positive
that you're okay with her.
I am. You don't have to worry.
Go ahead, do it.
It's done.
[SIGHS]
Good. And you know what?
Now that this is behind us...
...I feel more positive about Pam
than I did before.
-Well, I'm glad to hear that.
-Yeah.
Now, it's actually done.
-Push.
-Push.
-Push!
-Push!
[GASPS]
[CRYING]
Hey.
He's good and hungry.
Uh-uh, Mama, no bottle.
I want the real thing.
Now, whip them puppies out.
[GASPS]
Oh, God.
Oh, God, Jeff. Wake up, wake up.
-I just had the worst dream.
-Shh, shh.
You'll wake the baby.
Too late. I'm up.
[SCREAMS]
What, what?
We need a new surrogate.
[♪♪♪]
So anyway,
that's why we had to let Pam go.
There is good news.
Remember how we used to have...
...thousands of dollars more
than we needed?
I'm sorry, you guys.
Well, looks like we're back
in the market for a surrogate.
Tsk, what about Jen?
What about Jen for what?
To be their surrogate.
What are you talking about?
We owe them.
They've always done nice stuff for us.
Remember when we left for the week
and they took in our mail for us?
How about we get them
a nice bottle of wine?
Yeah, that would probably be less
wear and tear on your rig.
Here's an idea,
why don't you think before you talk?
Will do.
Oh, sheesh, I gotta go.
This guy at the gym promised
he was gonna go nuts on my ass.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
So, you and Audrey
are back on the surrogate hunt?
Yeah. Thanks again for that.
You know, if I may...
...next time, you go with a real uggo.
You know,
make sure she's Russell-proof.
That's an interesting thought.
Or how about this, um:
You go anywhere near
our next surrogate...
...and I pound you until there's nothing
but a red puddle with bad '70s hair.
It's always good to have choices.
-Hey.
-How was the gym?
That guy blast your ass?
No.
Why not?
Turns out we were talking about
two different things.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]