Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 13 - They Do? - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, honey,
we should get going.

Why do dresses never
look as good at home

as they do
in the store?

It's because mannequins
have such great bodies.

I-- I mean, not that you--
Forget it.

Wait, are you
eating ice cream?

Uh-huh.

No, we're going out
to a nice dinner.

Put it back.

All right, Mom.



Hey, honey,
are you okay?

I mean, you sure
you wanna do this tonight?

Of course I do.

There's nothing I want more
than to marry you.

I'm just nervous.

I know, I'm nervous too.

That's why I need
the ice cream.

Come here.

It's your wedding day.

If you want ice cream,
go nuts.

Oh, do we have nuts?

Don't make me
rethink tonight.

Jeff and Audrey
are gonna be surprised, huh?

That's the point
of doing it this way.



Russell ask why
you were leaving work early?

No, I told him
I was sick.

He said the gay guy, Mel from
accounting, was sick too

and then he jumped to some
pretty graphic conclusions.

Where is my dry-cleaning?

I don't know.

Here it is.

Where's my purse?

I don't know.
Oh.

Here it is.

Oh, God. Where's
my cell phone?

I don't know.

Oh. Here it is.

Hey--
Hey! Where's my gun?

What?
Nothing.

I'm just tired
of the old frantic routine

trying to get ready
to go out.

Well, I'm sorry,
I do a little more

than throw on a sport coat
and forget to reapply deodorant.

This restaurant Adam and Jen
are taking us to

is very fancy, and they
don't have a lot of money.

Don't order anything pricey.

I got a hankering
for free lobster.

No lobster.

Fine, I'll eat
that box of Pop-Tarts.

That'll save them
the price of an appetizer.

No, no. We'll just--

We can split a salad.

Oh, can we?

All right.
How do I look?

You know.

Why do I bother?

Yeah, why do you?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey, uh, Jen wanted me to check
to see if you guys are ready.

I am. Audrey's not.

Well, can you push her along?

"Can I push her along"?

It's just that tonight
is kind of important,

and we sort
of have a schedule.

All right, you wanna try?
Go in.

[AUDREY SCREAMS]

Dude. Dude, dude,

she's-- She's wearing
her underwear.

Why the hell did you
send him in there?

You were just dressed.
What happened?

I decided to change.

Can you ever, for once in your
whole life ever just be helpful?

You want helpful?
Okay, how's this?

You look the same in everything,
I'm hungry, hurry up.

You are such an ass.

Maybe we just
shouldn't even go.

Oh, no.
Then I wouldn't get

to not have lobster
and half a salad.

[JEFF SIGHS]

Dude, why don't you
go without us.

She's about to turn green
and bust out of her clothes.

She's the Hulk.

Look, you have
to come with us tonight.

Why?

Well, there's a special
secret reason.

I don't care.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, only if you promise
not to tell Audrey.

I promise.
Okay.

Tonight, before we go
to the restaurant,

we are going
to City Hall.

Jen and I
are getting married.

Oh! Good for you, buddy.
Yeah. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Right.
Oh! Jesus.

[LAUGHS]

We're holding hands now.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's why
I wanted you to go.

Why'd you guys
decide to do it now?

Jen's parents have been
pressuring her

to have this big wedding,
and tell Jen to do one thing,

she's gonna
do the other.

I didn't know Audrey
was selling franchises.

Count us in.
Great.

Oh, remember,
don't tell Audrey.

You got it.

They're getting married?

Tonight?
Yes.

And we're the witnesses but
we're not supposed to know?

Excellent repeating
of everything I just said.

Oh, my God. I...

I don't know what to say.
I-- I didn't expect this.

You didn't win
an Oscar, Audrey.

Well, I have to change
into something nicer.

I mean,
I am the maid of honor.

You're married, so actually
you are the matron of honor.

You need to change too.
[SIGHS]

Why?

Because it's just us,
so you're like the best man.

Boy, that's crazy ironic.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hello, there. One large chicken
noodle soup to go, please.

Anything else?

No, no, just the soup today,
thank you.

My friend's
not feeling well, see?

Chicken soup won't cure
what he's spreading around.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's for Adam.

FYI, I'm on some experimental
pills from Mexico

and so far, so bueno.

Dude, you have to do this?

We're gonna be late
for the movie.

I don't have to, I want to.

Mr. Rhodes left work
feeling sick.

Some nice hot soup
will do him well.

I mean, I could understand
if you want

to have sex
with the guy, but...

Wait, do you want
to have sex with the guy?

I'm just being
a good friend.

If you were a better friend,

maybe people would invite
you out more often. Hm?

You ever consider that?
Hm?

I get invited out plenty.

Being asked to leave doesn't
count as being invited out.

Okay,
everything's on track,

Jeff and Audrey
are just about ready.

Does this dress
look good on me?

Yeah,
it looks great.

No it doesn't.
You're insane.

Okay,
it doesn't look great.

Oh, don't bother.
Your opinion is useless.

I'm gonna go ask Audrey.

Yay, I get that forever.

Where's Audrey? I want to ask
her how I look in this dress.

You look fine.
Shut up.

Audrey is definitively
selling franchises.

Hey.

Oh. You changed.
You look nice.

Well, how gay of you
to notice.

Hey, Jen. Oh, I am
so excited about tonight.

Me too. What do you think
of this dress?

Uh, not great on the boobs,
even worse on the arms.

Thank you.

Couldn't just do that,
could you?

Fine. Your legs
look weird too.

No, but I--

Just go.
I was trying to say--

But--

[JIGGLING DOORKNOB]

Give me the key.

Oh, hold on,
I left it inside.

He locked us out.

Oh. These are the times
I wish I'd learned magic.

Oh, my God, so now I have no
boobs, giant arms, weird legs.

I can't go out like this.

People will think
I am a transvestite.

That will not
reflect well on me.

All right. Calm down.

You can borrow
something of mine.

Thank you.

So you've been dealing with this
getting-ready-to-go-out drama

for, like, 14 years?

Oh, yeah.
How do you handle it?

I have developed a pretty
effective method. I'll show you.

Want me to show you again?

No, it's okay.
I got it.

I'm gonna show you again.

Oh. Hey, uh, didn't we
give you a spare key

the time we went
out of town a while back?

You sure did.

I never told you this,

but that week
Audrey had me use your toilet.

Anyway, I-- I can't remember
if it was before

or after we changed our lock,

but could you get the key?
I'll give it a try.

Yeah.
You still have

that bottle of Scotch that
I gave you for your birthday?

Yeah.
All right.

If this key works,
bring it back.

But that was a gift.

Look, you had it for three
weeks, it's public domain.

Stupid key.

[JIGGLES DOORKNOB]

Dumb door.

Mr. Rhodes?

Oh, hey, Timmy. Russell.

I thought you were sick.

[COUGHS]
I am.

Why are you
all dressed up?

Okay, Russell,
you were right.

I'm going out with Mel
from accounting.

All right, worst liar ever,
what's going on?

I can't tell you.

Really? What if I just stare
at you like this?

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll tell you the truth.

Jen and I are going out
with Jeff and Audrey.

Hm. Doesn't seem
that clandestine.

Yeah, if clandestine
means not boring.

What's the big cover-up?

Well, before dinner, um...

we are having
an intervention.

For Jeff's drinking.

Makes sense.
No surprise there.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right,
what about this one?

Whoa.

I don't know.
It's a little dated.

Oh. Yeah, that one has been
in there a while.

The tags are still on.

Yeah. I-- I bought it years ago
and never wore it.

This store
opened last month.

Okay. Would you
just pick a dress?

Well, I don't know
about any of these.

Well, then stick
with what you have on.

It looks great.

And we can hide it
with a shawl.

No, no, I can't!

Tonight's just
too important.

I know. I mean its dinner.
It's a very important meal.

I guess.

There is actually one dress
I think would work for me.

Okay, good. Which one?
Well, actually,

it's the one you're wearing.
I've always loved it.

Oh, but--
No, you're right.

Forget it,
it's way too much to ask.

No. You know what?
It isn't.

Here, unzip me.

Yes, unzip her.

What are you doing?

I was on my way to the bathroom
when I stumbled

upon this delightful
tableau.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Big surprise we weren't invited
to Mr. Bingham's intervention,

thank you very much.

Why do you wanna go
to an intervention anyway?

Are they serving
chicken tikka masala?

No.

Lamb?

No. I would want to do it
to help a friend.

But thanks
to my association with you,

I'm excluded from doing
something of value

and instead am going to see...
What film did you choose again?

Stewardess School Blues.
Ugh.

Stewardess School Blues.

Sounds in keeping with your
"no booby, no watchy" policy.

Yeah, I guess it's about a bunch
of chicks who are studying

to be stewardesses and then
they get sad about something.

But you gotta figure
they get cheered up, right?

I don't care.
I don't want to see it.

In fact, we're not
going to see a movie.

[PUNCHES BUTTON]

We're going back
to help our friends.

Oh, come on.

They're though.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right, I think
we're all ready.

Whoa, look at you.
You look smoking hot.

I mean,
really gorgeous.

Um, that's
my dress, Jeff.

Not anymore.

All right. How do I
look in this one?

You know.

That was really rude, Jeff.

But thank you.

What did you say,
beer?

Why, yes,
I will come and drink you.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

What are you guys
doing here?

I don't know.
Ask the Indian Mr. Rogers.

Mr. Rhodes, now I realize
we weren't invited,

but I'd like to offer
my help as a friend.

[WHISPERING]
With the intervention.

[WHISPERING]
With the what?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
The intervention?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, yeah. That.

Yes, I'll have you know, I have
experience in this matters.

In fact, I facilitated
an intervention

back in my days
at the university.

Man, you have
a sick vocabulary.

Yeah, yeah.

I bet you're great
at that, um...

What's that game
with all the words?

Scrabble?

Hey, you're the word guy.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing here?

Me and Timmy
just stopped by.

You know,
as friends will do.

So going to dinner?

Well, it's not really
just dinner.

Oh, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah.

And you're cool
with it?

To the extent
that I give a crap.

We all knew it was gonna happen
sooner or later.

Huh. Well, uh, you think
it'll make a difference?

Nah, nothing's
gonna change.

It'll be a big to-do,
Audrey'll cry.

Then it's right back
to the same old same old.

Jeff, wait. You really think
you should be drinking--

Ooh, Pop-Tarts.

All right. Oh, great,
we are all finally ready.

Let's hit it.

Yeah, but first,
a toast.

A-- A toast?

Yeah. Jeff,
do we have some champagne?

I may have a bottle
hidden away somewhere.

[CHUCKLES]
I bet you do.

Go get it.

[LAUGHS]

Mrs. Bingham, are you sure
this is wise?

Wise?
Who cares about wise?

Let's get our drink on,
Timmy.

Mrs. Bingham,
you're enabling him.

Um, actually,
I'm enabling all of us

to have a really
good time.

[LAUGHS]

Jeff gets really grouchy
if he loses his buzz.

I found a bottle.

But what's everybody else
gonna drink?

[ALL LAUGH]

Mr. Rhodes, I don't understand
what's happening here.

Oh, he's saying he's gonna drink
the whole bottle himself.

No, what I meant was--
Okay, look, never mind.

All right, listen up.

We all know what's really
happening tonight.

They do?

Adam,
did you tell them?

Yes, he did.
And it's a good thing I came,

because you're all
shockingly bad at this.

So if I may.

Mr. Bingham,
this is an intervention.

Your drinking
is destroying your life.

You're hurting yourself,
those closest to you,

and I want you to know
we are all here tonight

to confront you
with love and compassion.

Everyone.

Everyone.

Still just me?

Hey, what the hell
is going on?

Okay, okay,
here's what happened.

Timmy, get off Jeff.

[SIGHS]
I ran into Russell and Timmy,

and in order to not tell them
we're getting married tonight,

I told them we are
having an intervention.

Oh, I'd buy that.
Good thinking.

You're getting
married tonight?

Yeah,
I'm the maid of honor.

Matron.
How about widow?

You told Audrey?
No, I only told Jeff.

I told.
You weren't supposed to.

You weren't supposed
to tell me.

You weren't supposed
to tell anybody.

Congrats, though.

So, what are you
going to wear?

Okay, that's it.
You know--

This was supposed to be
a fun surprise,

but the night's is
turning into a disaster.

I'm not wearing my own dress,
Adam has ice cream on his tie.

Not from tonight, though,
just to defend myself.

And if you think about it,

why do we even
have to do this at all?

What do you mean?
We love each other.

We have a great thing.

Why do we have to go through all
the trouble to make it official?

Who cares?
I know I don't.

Are you sure?

I'm 100 percent sure
I do not care.

Let's just go home.

Okay.

Well, um...

I guess we're just gonna
call it a night.

Hold on a second here.

We're not just gonna
call it a night.

You wanna have
the intervention?

No. Look,

maybe this is the Scotch
talking, or possibly the beer,

or the wine cooler I found
in my sports bag this morning.

Guys, are we sure we don't
want this intervention?

Look, I think that you guys
should get married tonight.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned,

but I think people
who are living together

should be married.
You feel different. You know?

You become a team,
working together.

He's right. It's like--
Audrey, not now, please.

You guys both know
what a pain in the ass it is

to meet somebody
and get them to like you.

You guys are lucky
that you found each other.

So let's just lock this in
and do it, and stop annoying me.

I'm kind of on Jeff's side.
You know what, Audrey? Please.

[SIGHS]

Can we still make it
to City Hall in time?

Well, it's gonna be tight,
but we can make it.

Let's go.

Aye, aye, aye.

See, sir?
[SIGHS]

Doesn't helping friends
feel better

than watching jiggly flight
attendants bounce up and down?

I feel I've answered
my own question.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

To Adam and Jen.

Yeah!
Cheers!

And I wanna thank Jeff
for making the great speech

that pushed us to follow
through with our plan

to get married tonight.
It's ironic.

If he hadn't take
so much time with his speech,

we might have made it
to City Hall in time.

But if he hadn't
made the speech,

you wouldn't even
have tried to...

Never mind.

Well, I'm happy. This just
buys Adam more time to bail.

Not gonna happen, buddy.

Well, that's what my dad said
when I asked him

if he was gonna bail
on my mom.

And, sure enough--

[SOBS]

Maybe next time you'll decide
to have a real wedding.

That was a good day.

Aw.
This one here,

she looked
like a movie star.

Oh.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

You see? All of you
who constantly ask me, "why?"

Every so often
he steps up.

I didn't say
what movie star.

That's okay, Jeff.

Ernest Borgnine's
a movie star.

Shut up.

Okay, I've got four Diet Cokes,
one lemonade and a Scotch rocks.

Scotch? Who knew
the diner served booze?

I did.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

But we didn't
even get married.

I know,
I just want to practice

carrying you
across the threshold.

Good thing the super
had another key.

All right,
here it goes.

Oh! God.

All right.
It's not working.

Hold on.
Oh!

Okay! Stop it! Put me down!
Okay.

[JEN SCREAMS]
[BODY THUDS TO FLOOR]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]