Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 12 - Harassment - full transcript

Ah. Yeah, that's so good.

My back feels like jelly.

Kind of looks like jelly too.

We can't keep so much
chocolate around the house.

Oh, what can I say, honey?

I had a great Halloween.

Something not said
by most adults.

Okay, your half hour's up.
Time to switch.

Okay.

My shoulders have been
so tight lately.

[ADAM CLEARS THROAT]



Mm...

Ah.

Oh, that feels so good.

No, wait, what are you doing?

I think you know.

No. Don't stop the massage.

Adam.

I'm not holding
any tension in those.

Oh.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Ten seconds
that massage lasted

before he started
wildly humping me.

You got a whole 10 seconds?

What do you mean?



I mean every man turns a massage

into sex as fast as they can.

Some of Jeff's
burps last longer.

Longer than his massages or sex?

Yes.

Well, I'm not buying it.

I refuse to accept
that a woman can't get

a simple backrub from
the man she loves.

Uh-huh. Hey, Doreen.
Hm?

Your husband ever give
you a massage?

Sure. How do you think
I got four kids?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

Uh, Russell's not here?

Should be any minute.

[SIGHS]

What's your deal?

I'm...

How--? How do you mean?

I don't know, you talk one way,
but you look another, so...

I don't know what's going on.

Mr. Dunbar, over here.
Please, hurry.

Ah, what's going on there,
C-3PO?

Chewbacca.

What's that?

Oh.

This is a cricket video game

my cousin sent me
from South Africa.

Why? Is it not
legal in the U.S.?

You gotta get it
on the geek market?

Nothing geeky about it.

Cricket is
a tremendously exciting sport.

Sport?
Isn't it that game they play

in all those Harry Potter books?

No, actually that's Quidditch,

and you can only play it if
you're a witch or a wizard.

And it wasn't in all the books,

it wasn't in the seventh
one at all.

And I'm the geek.

I'll have you know
cricket is among

the most popular sports
in the world.

Heh. The guy on the box
is wearing a sweater.

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
Oh, Mummy, I'm playing cricket
and it's ever so chilly.

Well, I see the ugly
American has weighed in.

At about 20 pounds more than
most doctors would recommend.

Ka-boom.

I'm sorry that we can't all have
that ropey, underfed look.

A dunk.

Oh, look, there's a warning:

"Not suitable for anyone
who wants to get laid."

Windmill jam.

Heh.

So typical.

You can't do it, so you mock it.

Oh, I could do it.

Hm.

Well, then why don't you
come on over, and we'll play?

Oh, I have to see this.

All right, fine. We'll call it:

America versus...

whatever other crappy
countries play cricket.

The rest of them.

Are you sure you wanna invite
the wrath of God into your home?

Two words: Bring it.

And come hungry,
I'll make kebabs.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Wow.
Would you look at him.

How lucky is that mail cart?

Ha-ha. What, you want
that guy to push you?

Push, pull, lick.
His call.

AUDREY:
Oh, my God, I know him.

He interviewed for a position
as my assistant last week.

I got a position
I'd like to offer him.

I gotta see him every day?

I hope this isn't
gonna be awkward.

Holy crap. Look at him.

Does anybody have a razor?

I need to shave my legs.

I'm looking for Tracy Sutter.

Oh, that's me.

I won.

[DEEP VOICE]
I'm Tracy.

These are for you.

Hm.

Uh, Laura Foley.
Ms. Laura Foley, single.

Nice to meet you.
I'm Ryan.

Let's see. I know I have
something for you here.

I am very excited to receive it.

Hi. Audrey Bingham.

We met last week.

I remember.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too, thanks.

Bingo.

Well, okay, so it is awkward.

I'm gonna have to do something

to make things more comfortable.

I know what I would do...
I could make things real...

Oh, ladies, get a grip.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Feel like trading massages?

Definitely. I hate reading.

Oh, no, no, no.

Today, I wanna go first.

I bet you do.

No. I want a real massage.

For a half hour with no touching
of my bathing suit areas.

But that just leaves the rest.

Look, I like doing all that
stuff with you--

Ha-ha! Yeah.

But I also love a massage.

So today we're gonna try
no sex, just massage.

I'd rather read.

[SIGHS]

[ADAM CLEARS THROAT]

So, what you wanna
do this weekend?

I kind of wanna find a fair.

One with corn dogs.

You know, Adam,
the best masseuses

don't talk to their clients,

they concentrate
on giving the massage.

Sorry.

MAN [ON TV]:
And now back to Shark Week.

Oh, my God!

You can't do
this one thing for me

without the promise of sex.

Honey, it doesn't have
to be "sex" sex.

It can be the other thing.

That's still sex!

Yeah, it is.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

God, Ryan keeps giving
me dirty looks.

I wish he'd give
me something dirty.

Will you stop? You are at happy
hour with your co-workers,

not Spring Break
at Señor Frog's.

Those were good days.

All right.
This is ridiculous.

I'm gonna go over there
and straighten it out.

Oh, do you mind if I come with?

I'd like to smell him.

Casually mention that I have
a background in burlesque.

[GIGGLES]
No.

Really?

Get me drunk
and ask me about Tokyo.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, um,

we're gonna be working together.

I'd really like to clear
things up.

I feel like you're mad at me
because I didn't hire you.

But the thing is it wasn't
anything personal,

it was just there were
a lot of good candidates

and I had to make a choice.

You're young, you're smart,

you're nice-looking. You might
be in the mailroom now,

but trust me,
you're gonna go far.

You really think so?

No. I know so.

So come on. Can we just
put everything behind us

and start fresh?

[SIGHS]

Well, okay.

Come on.

[CHUCKLES]

[MOUTHS]
Yeah, yeah.

[MOUTHS]
Go. Go.

Oh, there's my beer.

Oh, hey,
put that on my tab.

That's okay.

Hey,
don't argue with the boss.

So how'd it go?
All better.

I am such a people person.

He filed a sexual
harassment claim?

Yes. Yes.
Against me?

Just this morning
Tracy and Laura,

who I'm pretty sure was some
sort of sex worker in Japan,

tried to coerce him
into a game of strip poker.

They weren't mentioned.

You've gotta be kidding me.

No. I don't do that.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

"...unwanted physical
interaction,

"uninvited comments
about his appearance,

"giving him alcohol

"and implying
that his compliance

was tied to his future
at the company."

That's my gal.

God, I can't believe
I got called into

the Human Resource
director's office.

It's so humiliating.

I know,
but you know what else:

I still haven't gotten
a massage from Adam.

Because that's the same thing.

Why are you getting
a massage from Adam?

Clearly Audrey's the handsy
one around here.

Thank you for your support.

It's just so frustrating.

I mean, I did nothing wrong.

I am sure if Ryan
and I could just talk--

No.
Yeah, everything would be fine.

No, it wouldn't.

Look, this guy is clearly
a vindictive type.

Just stay away,
let the truth come out.

[LAUGHING]
Look, I can work
this whole thing out,

I'm a people person.

You are?

Yes.
JENNIFER: Audrey.

I think we're overlooking
a valuable resource here.

We happen to have years
of sexual harassment experience

right here with us.

Thanks, Jen,
I'll take it from here.

Nice cans, by the way.

The first thing you do
is create a gray area.

Harassment likes facts,
not doubt.

Next, get your hands
on some hush money,

then go to your dad's office,

tell him you're gonna
lay low for a few weeks.

My dad doesn't own
the company, Russell.

Then you're totally boned.

But on the bright
side, nice cans.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh! That was a wicked googly
if I do say so myself.

Don't say so yourself.
Say real things.

Get set. Here comes
an absolute jaffa.

Oh! Swing and a miss!

I was down.
You're out for a duck.

Heh-heh.

Yeah, you're out for a duck.

You don't even know
what that means.

I know I'm not out for a duck.

Well, I don't think
we need to continue this.

Sorry, America,
but it looks as though

the rest of the world
has triumphed.

You've brought
so much shame to our country.

Look, playing this video game
proves nothing.

It's not like
we're playing the actual game.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're saying you would beat me

if we played
a real game of cricket?

If it involves
a bat and a ball,

and even a hint
of testosterone,

I win, you lose.

I'll have you know
that back home in South Africa

I was such a fast bowler,

I was known as
the Cape Town Express.

Hm, it sounds like
a stomach virus I had.

Fine. Here's a thought:
Timmy, you're a dork

who actually owns
cricket equipment.

Jeff, you're
a stubborn blockhead

who would actually play him.

I'd play.
As would I.

Well, this works
out perfectly then.

You two are idiots
and I'm bored. Let's do this.

Then it's decided.

Yes, it is.

We'll take this outside

and settle it like men.

Great. Where are
we gonna get the men?

[LAUGHS]

Nah?

We should go?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Are you ready
for a totally legitimate

and completely
non-sexual massage?

Yes, I am.

I can't believe
you did all this.

Well, I realized you were right

and I wanna make up
for all the massages

that I hadn't given you.

I even researched
some great techniques.

Really?

Yeah. And you know
how much I hate to read.

Here it goes.

Is that okay, baby?

Yeah, it's great, but maybe
you could ease up a bit.

Okay.

[GROANS]

Is there anything you'd like
me to concentrate on?

Ugh. Not...

crushing...my...

...organs.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Well, what do you think's
taking him so long?

Uh, ironing a wrinkle
out of his sweater?

[CHUCKLES]

Carb loading on crumpets?

[LAUGHING]

Um...

That's all I got.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Let's do this.

Shall we?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

This is based
on a Japanese technique.

I think it's
called Reiki or Wreck-u.

It feels like the second one.

Now, this is gonna be amazing.

[BONES CRACKING]

Ooh! Son of a whore!

Why?

Time for the stomach massage.

Please don't.

No, baby, I insist.

Now, this will help
with digestion.

You may feel
the urge to urinate.

But that's normal.

[GROANING]

What are you doing?

Wha--? Do you have
tension in those?

No. I just have to have you.

No, but, honey, I still have
some kidney work--

Now.

Okay, so I'm going
to give you three chances

to get a hit off me.

Now, to approximate the size
of the cricket field,

we'll use the homeless man
to the south

and the shopping cart with the
old chicken carcass to the east.

So let's play.

Uh, shall we wait
for the south boundary

to finish taking a leak?

I don't think we have
that kind of time.

Let's go.
[SIGHS]

You ready?

To hit a ball with a stick?

[RUSSELL SNICKERS]
I think so.

All right. Here we go.

[RUSSELL CLAPS]

Big hit, huh?

Come on, now.

[GRUNTS]

Oh. Nice swing,
Lou "Gay-rig."

Dude, you're gonna get struck
out by Scooter fromthe Muppets.

[MOUTHS]
That's you.

RUSSELL:
This one.
This one counts.

[GRUNTS]

[GROANING]

Ooh.

Right in the googlies.

[GROANS]

You were right.

Cricket is a great game.

Told you.

Wait.

Wait, I think
I'm out for a duck.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

We just heard what happened
with you and Ryan.

Yeah, can you believe it?

How was he?

Does he smell like the sea?

Oh, my God, nothing happened.

He has falsely accusing me
of something I didn't do.

Well, that doesn't sound
like my Ryan.

Yeah.

You know, the bar was
the wrong place,

things were misconstrued,
you know?

But I feel like if I just talk
to him again...

So then say something.

Yeah, Jeff
doesn't think I should.

Does Jeff know that Ryan's butt
looks like two Twinkies kissing?

Okay. You know what?

Forget Jeff,
I'm gonna fix this.

I am a people person.

BOTH:
You are?

Yes.
It is a known thing. Gosh.

Ahem. Ryan.

Ryan. Oh, come on.

Ugh.
Ryan, listen, we need to talk.

I'd like to get on the elevator.

Yeah.
First just hear me out.

All right, from the first moment
I met you, I liked you.

And this situation
has been very hard for me

because I have
never done anything

to even remotely
sexually harass you.

I-- What the hell?

No. No.

Oh, God. No. No! No!

[SCREAMING]

Don't just stand there,
rip my dress off! Oh, no!

Tear it off!

Get it off.

I will give you it was
an unfortunate incident.

Audrey, you exposed yourself.

It was an accident.

You're the first person to have
this type of accident. Ever.

Ugh.
God, this is so unfair.

And you need some
more tape on your dress.

I'm going to have
my own claim soon.

Sorry.

The good news is because
of your spotless record

and no prior flashings,

all you have to do
is apologize to Ryan.

I most certainly will not.

He is the one who should be
apologizing to me.

I know it seems unfair,
but it won't go on your record

if you apologize
and take a brief suspension.

Oh. I couldn't care less.

You put it on my record,
I did nothing wrong.

Audrey--
No. No. I am standing up

for what is right here.

I'm a people person, you jerk.

Your suspension is with pay.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I am very sorry that I created

a hostile
work environment for you.

Thank you.

I'll be back in a week. Aloha.

I mean goodbye.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]