Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 17 - Zygote - full transcript

You can see that the sperm
has penetrated the ovum.

Well, he had his marching orders.

We did it, Jeff. We made a zygote.

I create life.

Like a god.

-Well, it was a team effort.
-You're right.

Good job, doc.

Thank you.

-Brenda, come look.
-Okay.

Excuse me.
I'm who they're putting it in, so....

Aw. Jeff, it looks just like you.



You know, blob of cells
that hasn't developed a brain yet.

World full of surrogates
and, uh, we get lesbian Don Rickles.

Okay,
so when are we gonna knock me up?

Day after tomorrow.

So the zygote has time to develop?

Well, that,
and I'm playing golf tomorrow.

Doc, any way that we could, uh,
help this to be a boy?

Jeff.

Girl. Nudge it towards girl.

Or we could split the difference
and get one of these.

You're probably wondering
why I'm helping these people.

Come on, babe.
You know you'd love a daughter.

Who doesn't love little girls?

Whoa. Check out the blouse mounds
on that skank.



Sir, we agreed
if I was going to join you...

...in the pursuit
of female companionship...

...we would do it with
a certain amount of decorum--

Yowza, that'll play.

And perfect, there's two of them.

Now,
let me handle the introductions.

I think the approach requires
a more elegant and understated--

My God, they're tall as trees.

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Yes.

Pardon my friend's, uh,
understated elegance.

Uh, this is Timmy.
My name is Russell.

I'm Shante.

And I'm Stasha.

Pleased to be meeting you.

Could we buy you ladies a libation?

RUSSELL:
That's a great idea, Timmy.

Why don't you get a White Russian
and a Black Velvet. Oh, that was fast.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

So the doctor's appointment
went well.

-Yeah, check out our zygote.
-Hmm.

What's a zygote?

Her fertilized egg.

You done with this here?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

-You know how they make bacon?
-Just take it.

I'm his best friend.

Hey, don't forget we have
that surrogacy seminar tonight.

Well, this is a bad night for me.

Why, what else do you have to do?

No, going to a surrogacy seminar.

That's a bad night for me.

Come on, this is important to me.

They're gonna show us how we
can be more involved in the process.

Well, I thought the whole benefit
of using Brenda...

...was that
we could be less involved.

You thought wrong.

Come on, you're going.
I already paid for it.

-Well, can we, uh--?
-Non-refundable.

-Not if you wrote a--
-Paid cash.

-Fine, I'll go, but--
-Not bringing your flask.

You can't control the scotch
that'll already be in my body.

Yee.

Hello.

Heh. You both look chipper.

I do have a certain spring
in me pants.

What you're seeing is two dudes
who deftly managed...

...to pick up a couple of honeys
last night.

JEFF:
So let me guess, uh...

...you drove the van,
and you hit them with the blow dart.

[AUDREY LAUGHS]

So who are these girls?

Did the one who ended up with
Russell get to pick first next time?

Oh, uh, heh.

They're celebrities, actually.

Actually.

Stasha Ebonavich.

Shante Jackson.

They're lady pro basketball players
for the New York Empire.

Oh, so by celebrities, you meant
regular un-famous people...

...who I could beat in basketball.

So are they really tall?

Big, like mountains.

With mountains.

Picture a mountain.

And then two smaller, yet delightful
little mountains stuck on the front.

Hopefully tonight,
I'll be scaling those peaks.

The question was, "Are they tall?"

Ugh.

Noodles suck.

I don't know what the Chinese
are so fired up about.

Ugh, I'm so hungry.

Well, when we decided
to save for our honeymoon...

...we had to cut either fancy dinners
or hair care products.

You made the choice.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I have a shipment of Omaha steaks
for Jeff Bingham.

Steaks?

Oh, those are actually--

[MIMICS JEFF'S VOICE]
Quiet, woman.

I'm Jeff Bingham.

What are you doing?

You stay out of this, wife-- Audrey.

She gets awfully mouthy.

We just made a zygote.

He's not Immigration.
He just needs a signature.

There you go.

-Adam Rhodes?
-[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes?

No, that's what you signed.

Oh, my God.

-Come on, come on, come on!
-Go, go, go, go!

-Yeah!
-Oh, swish!

[BOTH CHEER]

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

ANNOUNCER:
Shante Jackson.

You know it. Heh.

Oh, my, my,
your lady is quite the ball handler.

Oh, here's hoping.

You know, Stasha and I talked
for two hours before the game.

I feel like we've made
quite the connection.

Yeah, how about
these VIP all-access passes.

-Awesome.
-They're so great.

I think I'm gonna go
get my half-price chalupa.

-Oh, nice.
-All right, Shante! Nice!

Yeah, made out with her last night.
Yes, I did. Oh, yeah.

Are you guys
with Stasha and Shante?

I believe we're in the budding stages
of something special.

-Hey, welcome.
-Oh, thank you.

We're the other
New York boyfriends.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Um....

But what do you mean
by "New York boyfriends?"

Well, the girls keep men in cities
all over the country.

Well, the six they play in.

Um, I'm not quite sure
I understand, uh....

Heh. You must be with Stasha.

She likes them sweet
and innocent.

Well, she made no mention
of anyone else, so, you know.

Dude, what did you think?

They're elite athletes
making thousands of dollars...

...playing in front of hundreds
of cheering fans.

You can't expect them
to settle down with one guy.

-Dude.
-Oh.

[TIMER BUZZES]

JEFF: Oh, you gotta be--
AUDREY: Don't start.

It looks like the inside
of I Dream of Jeannie's bottle.

Fresh reference.

You're gonna make
an excellent grandfather for our kid.

Good evening and welcome.

Why doesn't everyone
have a seat?

I know. There aren't any.

So let me ask.

Why are you all here?

Our check cleared?

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

No, no, no, it's all right.
Humor is always welcome.

So, sir, feel free to keep trying.

Now, there are things you can do
to enhance your experience.

Things that I believe
could increase your chance...

...of a successful implantation.

-Really?
-No, not really.

By creating
a purely positive energy...

...you increase the chance
of success in whatever you do.

As I have done here.

So you see this as a big win, huh?

Mm.

That is so good.

Stealing these steaks was literally
the smartest thing you've ever done.

I know, honey, but....

[ADAM SIGHS]

But what?

Was it the right thing to do?

Why are you asking that?
You're the one who did this...

...with what I think
was a spot-on Jeff imitation.

Well, what about
"thou shalt not steal"?

What about "thou shalt sack up"?

Come on.

You know you want it.

I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

Jeff's my best friend.

He takes your food,
he insults everything you wear...

...and he always calls you gay.

Yeah. You're right. I'm not gay.

Sorry, Jeff.

I'm gonna eat your meat.

I just don't know
why you had to behave that way.

Me?
You clocked me with the pillow.

You know, the, uh,
button hit my ear.

You deserved it. How humiliating.

Escorted out
of a surrogacy seminar.

You know what? I told you
I didn't wanna go in the first place.

-I told you it was gonna be stupid.
-No, no. It wasn't stupid.

It only became that way
after you walked in.

Come on, Audrey,
you can't be buying into that stuff.

Come on, do I believe candles
and incense can actually help?

I don't know.
But I wanna do something.

Something cuckoo?

Okay, you wear your lucky
Knicks jersey every time they play.

-Why do you do that?
-Because the time I didn't, they lost.

To the Cavs, Aud. The Cavs.

But the point is, I don't try
to force you to wear a Knicks shirt.

Okay, fine. Fine.

I will stop forcing you to do things
you obviously don't wanna do.

If you're gonna be so negative...

...maybe you shouldn't be there
tomorrow.

I'll go to the chiropractor instead.

Screwed up my back
sitting on that dog bed.

Pass it. Pass it around. Aw!

[TIMER BUZZES]

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]: After
double-overtime, the final score:

The Santa Fe Pueblos, 43.
Your New York Empire, 42.

[RUSSELL GRUMBLES]

The girls are gonna be bummed.

It's time for some sexual healing.

-You go ahead, sir. I'm, uh....
-Wha--?

Just gonna head home...

...sit in the shower
with my knees pulled to my chest...

...and think about
what might have been.

Well, you might have been a man
before you said that.

Sir, Rick said
that the ladies have boyfriends...

...in every city where they play.

So?

So I'm nothing more to Stasha
than 127 pounds of boy toy.

Okay. That's the great news, okay?

There's no strings attached.

This is like driving a rental car.

You get to drive it around,
beat it all up...

...hand it in to the airport,
then it's the next dude's problem.

I'm sorry, sir, but, uh, I was hoping
for a deeper relationship with Stasha.

[RUSSELL WHIMPERS]

I actually thought that she--

[RUSSELL WHIMPERING]

She and I
had an emotional connection.

[RUSSELL SOBBING]

A chance at a relationship--
Okay, stop that.

We are on the verge
of a great evening here.

With big girls, Timmy. Big ones.

It's like a Vegas buffet of woman.

My heart's just not in it, I'm afraid.

[RUSSELL SIGHS]

Why do you always
have to be you?

Why can't you just relax and accept
the joyful shallowness of it all?

Well, perhaps you're right.

You know,
maybe what I need to do...

...is just enjoy this relationship
for what it is.

Ooh. Okay.

Well, let's sign the damage waiver
and take these chicks out for a spin.

-All right, let's do it.
-Yeah.

Hey-oh!

[MARY WELLS'
"MY GUY" PLAYING]

♪ Nothing you can say
Can tear me away from my guy ♪

RUSSELL:
Yeah.

[ALL CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING]

RUSSELL:
Here. Come here.

♪ Nothing you can do
'Cause I'm stuck like glue ♪

♪To my guy ♪

♪ I'm sticking to my guy
Like a stamp to a letter ♪

♪ Like birds of a feather
We stick together ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you from the start
I can't be torn apart from my guy ♪

♪ Nothing you could do
Could make me untrue to my guy ♪

♪ My guy ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ Nothing you could buy
Could make me tell a lie to my guy ♪

♪ My guy ♪

♪ I gave my guy
My word of honor ♪

[CAMERA CLICKING]

♪ To be faithful
And I'm gonna ♪

♪ You best be believing
I won't be deceiving my guy ♪♪

Why are you fidgeting?

Jeff's gonna know
we ate his steaks.

How?

Because he's gonna smell them
on us.

-You're being paranoid.
-Am I, really?

Remember when I lost that Slim Jim
in the couch?

He walked in,
turned the cushions over...

...and he found it.

That was how we met.

Okay, here he comes.
Here he comes. Just be cool.

Hey.

What's up, T-bone?

J-bone.

Hey, Jeff.

Uh, hey, could I get
a cheeseburger?

Boy, you know, I'll have one too.

I can't remember the last time
that I had meat.

Speaking of meat, uh...

...does, uh, our building smell
like beef lately?

I wouldn't know. Because I lost
my sense of smell as a kid.

Why haven't I said anything
until now?

I don't know.

No.

Just no.

-Hey, guys.
ADAM: Hey.

JENNIFER: Hey.
-Hey, Jeff.

You and Audrey ready
for "operation all up in me"?

-That's right. Good luck.
BRENDA: Thanks.

Is it a big procedure?

No, the whole thing
will only take a minute.

Which is how long it would take
if Jeff did it to Audrey...

...the old-fashioned way.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Yeah, I spoil her.

Yeah, she's all mad...

...because I won't get into this
whole new age-y thing with her.

Well,
she's probably really emotional.

You know, cut her a break.

Heh, cut her a steak?

Man, that doesn't even
make any sense.

You're blowing it.

You know, maybe she's just trying
to find a way to be more involved.

-Well, why didn't she just say that?
-My guess is she probably did.

Look, you know what?
Just go along with it.

Bottom line,
we're gonna turkey baste me...

...and in a week,
we'll know if it took.

And if it didn't, it's not a big deal.

You'll just write another check
and we'll try again.

Another check?

Yeah, you have to pay the clinic
every time you try.

[RELAXING MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]

Welcome
to this life-giving experience.

Jeff, you did this for me?

For you, for me, for her.

The whole universe, really.

Oh, babe, you heard me.

I love you again.

Okay.
I'm gonna go tell them we're ready.

[JEFF SIGHS]

Oh, you crazy bastard.

And you, saddle up
and get this right the first time.

See you, White Dynamite.

Bye.

Thank you for the fun, Timmy.

I found you to be a worthy adversary
between my sheets.

I'm happy to have been the alley
to your oop.

[TIMMY SIGHS]

Well, sir.

I must admit,
I do have to thank you...

...for showing me the joys
of a stringless relationship.

Yeah.

No strings, man.

Mr. Dunbar, what is it?

Nothing.

I think I've fallen
for that big-boned gal.

And now she's gone.

-Oh, sir.
-Don't look at me.

[SOBBING]
It hurts, Tim.

It hurts so much.

[RUSSELL WHIMPERING]

Hey.

Don't "hey" me.
Where are the steaks?

Uh, I couldn't live with the guilt.

So I rewrapped the box
and I gave it back to Jeff.

-Wow. How mad was he?
-I don't know.

I did it unanimously.

It's the other one?

Anyway, um,
so I left them on his doorstep...

...and I even weighted them down
a little bit...

...so he wouldn't notice
some were missing.

Well, at least he'll never know
it was us.

Nine....

Only 10.

"From the desk of Adam Rhodes."

-So, uh, I just talked to Dr. Sachs.
-Yeah?

Didn't happen this time.

But he says he is confident
we will get Brenda pregnant...

...the next two, three tries.

Two or three?

[JEFF GROANS]

Honey, don't be sad.

We are gonna make this happen.

I don't care if it takes 10 times.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, Jeff. See? This is the real you.

Ten times?

Oh, you really wanted it to happen.

I did. I really did.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Yo.

You can stop pining, sir.

I, uh, have a surprise for you.

Stand up, White Dynamite.

Shante. Oh, my God.

BOTH:
Mm.

I told her how much
you were missing her, sir.

So I'm taking you on the road
with me.

You are? Wee.

Where are we going?

-Our first game's in Tulsa.
-Tulsa?

And then it's off to Tacoma.

What's Tacoma?

I don't think this is working out
even though you're a great girl.

Hey, I flew all the way
across country.

This is happening.

What do you mean? No, no.

Timmy, do something.

Timmy, call security.

No means no.