Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 16 - Jeff Day - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

So why are you dressed
like that?

Aren't you gonna work?

No, I'm not.
It's Jeff Day.

A day for me to stay home
and enjoy the peace and quiet

without the constant yammering
of my wife.

Duchess Von Yammer-steen.

What do you say
when I'm not here?

What do you want?
I called you a "duchess."

Yeah, I'm flattered.

I wake up to you,
I go to work with people,



I come home to you.
It's a lot of human contact.

You're gonna be
such a great dad.

So why are you all dressed up?
For Jeff Day?

No.
I start my new job today.

We talked about it for an hour
last night at dinner

while you two were arguing

over the best way
to eat spaghetti.

Classic twirl
on the spoon.

Cutting it up is easier--

If you're 6.
Oh, my God.

So, what's the new job?

Okay, once again.

I'm running the office
for a new website.

They review video games
and expose shortcuts.



They just got a bunch of money
from a venture capital.

Wrap it up,
you're losing him.

Yeah, well...

The exciting part is
I'm in on the ground floor

so if it becomes huge,

I'll be on top.

Oh, congratulations.

I heard Audrey's gonna be on top
when it's huge.

That's terrific.

You know what?

I don't need this abuse,
not today.

Right, I almost forgot.
It's a big day.

Thank you--
Happy Jeff Day.

Happy Jeff Day to you too.

You know,
happy Jeff Day to us all.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I was just talking
to my mom.

Are you eating
my leftover pasta?
Yeah.

I felt I owed Jeff's
twirling system another chance.

And you know what?
I think he's right.

[SIGHS]

I learn so much
from that guy.

Do you remember
that chapel on the lake

where my parents got married?

Is me remembering
crucial to the story?

No.
Continue.

It's usually booked,
like, two years in advance,

but my mom just said
they had an opening this summer.

Is this that place
that rents the jet skis?

Yes.

Okay, I remember now.

So, what do you think?

I love jet skis.

No, I meant the chapel.

I mean,
should we reserve it?

Uh, what do you think?

Well, it's a little sooner
than we planned,

but I always dreamed
of getting married there

when I was a little girl.

Oh, well,
that didn't work out.

You could still get married
there as a grown-up.

Really?
Sure.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, thanks,
this is gonna be great.

Oh, it's gonna be great.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, honey, I'm home.

What's that, you're not?
I'm alone?

Couch, I believe
you know buttocks.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Good morning, Tug.
Hi, Barry.

You're that woman
from last week.

Yes, Audrey Bingham.

You, my lady,
are most assuredly

the bearer
of the good mornings tidings.

Barry. Barry.
We're not doing that anymore.

How's it going?
Great.

Anyway, I know you guys
weren't expecting me this early

but I figured I'd get in
and hit the ground running.

So where's my office?
Ah, I know not, my fair--

Dude.

I don't know.

Oh, I have an idea
for your office.

[♪♪♪]

Right, he's an idiot.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

Come on. Any other day.

Yes?
Is Audrey home?

I have a exciting news
about our wedding.

No,
she started work today.

Oh, I forgot.

So...

Don't you wanna hear the news?

Wish I could.
It's Jeff Day.

Nothing from the outside world
is allowed.

But I was just--

Jeff Day.
Sorry, I don't make the rules.

[♪♪♪]

Whew, Timmy.

Oh, dear, Mr. Rhodes.
Your eye.

I know, right?
It's been twitching.

Huh? Did you get
something in it?

It might have been
Jen's perfume.

Oh, you were standing
too close to her

when she was spraying it?

No, I did.
I ran out of deodorant.

All right, I'm heading out
for my lunch date with Annabel.

Nice face.

I think I got something
in my eye.

No, not you. I'm talking to
Lawrence of A-Gay-Bia over here.

Hey, can you snag
my dry cleaning

and, uh, rinse out those
teeth whitening trays.

Very well.

And think of some fresh insults
for me to lob your way.

That A-Gay-Bia thing?
You're better than that.

Auf-wiener-sehen.

How do you put up with him?

Oh, I have
my coping mechanisms.

For example,
I have a strong feeling

his lunch date
is not going to go as planned.

Hmm, how do you know?

Well, I do my best to endure
Mr. Dunbar's abuses,

but there was an incident
the other day

which was the last straw.

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Why do you have
a toy elephant?

It's not a toy. It's a birthday
gift from my grandmother.

Oh, can I see?

Look, I'm Dumbo.
Sir, please, please.

Sir, please be careful.
Whee, whee, whee!

[CHUCKLES]
It's not Dumbo, I guess.

TIMMY:
I struggled to control
my outrage.

Then opportunity rang.

[PHONE RINGS]

[SIGHS]

Russell Dunbar's office.

Oh, hello, Crystal.

Well, he just left but, uh--

I'm sure he'll understand
if you're running a little late.

Okay.

You know, uh,
as luck would have it,

he's just walked right back in.

Shall I put him on the phone
for you?

Okay, I'll do that then.

[IMITATING RUSSELL]:
Crystal, hey.

Listen,
I've been looking forward

to having me Crystal ball,
tsk, tsk, tsk,

but I kind of have to bail.

Yeah, look,
it's tricky.

Mm-hmm, turns out,
this big thing came up at work.

Uh-huh, big thing, came up,
you get it.

Well, auf-wiener-sehen.

Dude, that's unbelievable.

You are like that evil
puppet-master from Pinocchio.

Stromboli?

No, thanks,
I just crushed some pasta.

[♪♪♪]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey, Jeff,
I'm glad you called.

Listen,
I don't know about this job.

This whole place
seems like a frat house.

My desk is still sticky

from last night's
beer pong tournament.

JEFF [OVER PHONE]:
Aud, please

I got a real problem here.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Go ahead.

What's that cheese I like?

What?

I'm making an omelet.
I've got the sour cream

the bacon, the sausage,

but there are three
different cheeses here.

All right, let me see,
which one could it be.

Not so easy, is it?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Nerts.

What's the matter, sir?

That chick flaked on me.

This keeps happening.
I don't know what's going on.

Oh, perhaps
they finally aired

your episode
of To Catch a Predator.

Hoo-hoo, very funny.

Hey, where's that
new list of insults?

Come on.

I'll be in my office,
tan-dorky chicken.

Oh, you're tan, you're dorky

and you're chicken-like.

[CHUCKLES]

It's pretty good.

You see, a good boss
pushes you to be better.

[SIGHS]

Dear God,
it's gotten worse.

I know, right?

I don't understand
what could be causing this.

Well, sometimes these things
are stress-related.

Mr. Rhodes, you are familiar
with stress, aren't you?

Oh, I gotta be honest, Tim.

Up until now,
I've had it pretty good.

I see. Well, um, is there
anything new in your life

that could be causing you
undue stress?

Jen and I moved up
our wedding date.

Ah-ha, I believe this could be
a reaction to that.

Oh, but I'm fine with it.
Hmm, maybe your eye

is your subconscious' way of
telling you you're not.

If my subconscious was pulling
a stunt like that

I think I'd know about it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]

We're still
two-and-a-quarter short.

I'm not sure
we're gonna be able to do this.

What are you guys working on?
Maybe I can help.

If we raise a thousand bucks,

Tug will eat this whole
tub of mayo.

Okay, uh, I was hired
to be project manager

which sort of implies
I'd have something to do.

There's this project
that we've been kicking around

but, uh, it would be huge
if you would take it on for us.

Whatever it is, I'm on it.

Yes, I am looking
for a mint-condition,

unopened box
of Mr. T cereal.

Yes, I'll hold.

Yes, I'm still here,

still looking
for a box of Mr. T cereal.

Look, I just need one box--

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

I'm sorry, can you hold?

What now, Jeff?

ESPN is showing
the '94 Cup Finals.

I can't find
my Rangers shirt.

I can't help you right now,
okay?

I'm trying to track down
a box of Mr. T breakfast cereal.

Well, I pity myself
right now too.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hold on for a second.

Oh, hi, Yoli.
Hola, Mr. Jeff.

What's the cleaning lady
doing here?

Oh, I forgot.
She switched days this week.

It's Jeff Day.

She's from El Salvador.
They don't celebrate Jeff Day.

[♪♪♪]

Okay,
this is getting weird.

I just got off the phone
with Annabel,

who swears I was the one
that canceled our date.

Huh? That is weird.

I think someone's messing
with me.

Whosoever would mess with you,
sir?

[SIGHS]

It can't be her boyfriend.
He's in Afghanistan.

If you're not Time Magazine's
Man of the Year,

I'm canceling my subscription.

Wait a minute, Timmy.
You're the one.

Excuse me?

You're the one that can help me
get to the bottom of this.

Sir, rest assured

I will not sleep
until I find the culprit.

All right, Tim.
I knew I could count on you.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, culprit found.

[♪♪♪]

[GROANS]

Working hard, huh?

El want?

Okay, more for me.

Hey, that's my shirt.

Where did you get that?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Audrey gave that to you,
didn't she?

She didn't ask me first.
I need that back.

Miss Audrey here?

No.
No Miss Audrey today.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

You give the shirt to me?

You do this.

Now you.

Mr. Jeff...

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Look, that shirt only cost me
12 bucks in 1994 dollars, so...

Here's $20.
You give me $8 back.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

How about $5 back?

[♪♪♪]

Honey, honey,
we need to talk.

What's up with the sunglasses?

We have got a big problem.

I love you and I wanna marry you
whenever you want.

But right now my subconscious
totally disagrees.

It's being a real douche.

What are you talking about?

This.
Oh, my God.

I know. I know.
Look, it's stress.

It started happening

when you told me
about the jet ski chapel.

But listen,
I can live with this if you can.

I know my looks
are what you like most

but I swear to you,

I will develop
my personality more.

Adam, calm down.

No, honey,
I'm gonna start reading things

and I'm gonna learn
current events.

Babe,
this doesn't look like stress.

It looks like
some sort of allergic reaction.

Honey, I wish.
The only thing I'm allergic to

are pine nuts and bees.

Wait, you ate my pasta
this morning.

Oh, my God.
I said I was sorry, okay?

Look, I think we have
a bigger issue here.

No, you said you were allergic
to pine nuts and bees.

My pasta that you ate
this morning had pesto on it.

And guess
what pesto's made with.

Here's a hint.

It's not bees.

[CHUCKLES]

Pine nuts.

Oh, that's hysterical.

Timmy's an idiot.

I knew I didn't have
a subconscious.

Oh, what a relief.

That was fast, Audrey.

You really came through
on the Mr. T project.

[CHUCKLES]

Congratulations, guys.
Five hundred dollars well spent.

Awesome.

All right, so you see
I'm up to a challenge.

What else can I do?
I don't know.

Take a break.

No, I don't wanna do that,
okay?

I just took a break
for four months.

Oh, God,
I wish we could do that.

You are doing that.

Well, I know
it looks like that

but there's work
going on up here.

This is all our process, Audrey.
Okay, fine.

But while you're doing
your process,

a lot of stuff
is not getting done, all right?

Look,
unopened letters and messages

from potential
clients and advertisers.

All here in this box marked,
"Who cares?"

I could be dealing
with all this stuff,

setting up meetings,
getting ad revenue,

helping you guys
grow your business.

Okay, do that.

What?
Yeah, you do all that stuff

and we'll just do
the website.

All right,
this is great.

I am your girl,
you guys can count on me.

I'm gonna get started
right away.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Excuse me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello?
Oh, Yoli, calm down.

My cleaning lady's
freaking out in Spanish.

Oh, I-- I speak Spanish.
Oh, oh.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Mm-hmm.

What is she saying?

She locked herself
in the bathroom

because your husband offered her
$20 to take her shirt off.

So I'm gonna go
and, uh, I'm gonna get started

first thing tomorrow morning,
okay?

Early bird and all that.

[♪♪♪]

[WATCH BEEPS]
Ooh.

[IMITATES WATCH BEEPING]

[IMITATING RUSSELL]:
Hey, Tanya, it's Russell.

Applause.

Who did you say this is?

Russell Dunbar.

Uh, look, I know we're supposed
to meet up and get down, wink...

but here's the sitch.

What's the sitch?

Um, it's you.

TIMMY [OVER PHONE]:
Bad news, gotta cancel.

Good news,
I'm at the airport.

I'm taking Virgin to London
and we're flying on a-Delta.

Wait, who is this?

Oh, who is this?

Russell Dunbar.

Uh, no.

This is, uh,
Russell Dunbar.

Timmy?

Nerts.

A-click.

[♪♪♪]

Well, it took a lot of charades

but I managed to convince Yoli
that you're just an idiot.

[SIGHS]

That seems to translate
in any language.

Good stuff, Aud.
Thanks.

Now if you and your amiga
will hit the bricks

because, uh, there's still
45 minutes left in--

Oh, seriously?

When charges are almost filed,
Jeff Day's over.

Oh, here's your shirt.
Hope you enjoy it.

She was pretty upset.
I had to sweeten the pot.

Adios, Mrs. Audrey.

[SIGHS]

No. Es meaning no.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I just don't get it,
Tim.

After all I've done for you?

I think you mean "to me."

What,
a little good-natured ribbing.

Sir, you called a cherished
family heirloom "Dumbo"

and then shattered it.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, stuff like that.

That's fun stuff guys do.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me, one moment, please.
What?

Hello there, Laura,
how are you?

Laura?

Yes, I'm kind of a--
Wait a second.

Payback time.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[IMITATING TIMMY]:
Hello, hello, Laura.

It's Timmy.

Listen,
I have to break our date today

on account
of I fancy the chaps.

That's right, I do.
I'm homosexual, I am.

Here comes me mate Ian
and I'm gonna go kiss him.

Cheerio.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Bang.

There you go.
Two can play that game.

Yes, pity.

How shall I ever explain this
to my dental hygienist?

Nerts.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]