Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 18 - Anniversary Chicken - full transcript

When Jeff decides to surprise Audrey by remembering their anniversary, he's the one who ends up being surprised. Meanwhile, Timmy is forced to be Russell's interpreter on a date.

So the other day this guy
in the office asked me...

...what weighs more?

A pound of feathers
or a pound of lead?

-It’s a riddle.
-Yeah, heh, I’ll say it is.

-Adam, they’re both the same.
-Yeah, lead is the same as feathers.

Remind me not to come over
to your place for a pillow fight.

Wow. It was either
come here for breakfast...

...or stay home and figure out
what’s stinking up the fridge.

Hey, Audrey,
back to the pillow fight thing...

...if you and your gal pals
ever need a referee--

All right, I’ll be at home
with my head in the fridge.



You guys wanna hear something
interesting?

Uh, what depends, I can’t take
on another riddle right now.

No, tomorrow’s my anniversary.

-Hey, congrats, man. How many years?
-Sixteen.

Ahh. Ha, if your marriage was a girl
I could date it.

That would be 18.

It is? When did they change that?

And the big thing is,
this year I remembered.

And how did you do that?

Yesterday at work I was spinning
my wedding ring...

...trying to break my record
of 72 seconds...

...when it flew off the desk
and went under the radiator.

Did you break the record?

No.



Oh, God.

Oh.

When I went to go get it, I noticed our
wedding date engraved on the inside.

But I haven’t even told you
the best part.

That I believe.

Usually by this time
Audrey’s dropped a bunch of hints...

...about what she wants
me to get her or what she’d like to do.

But this year? Nothing.
I’m thinking maybe she forgot.

Hey, buddy, I’m really sorry.

Why? It would be the greatest thing
that ever happened.

Better than the time
that squirrel beat up a possum?

[CHUCKLES]

-I don’t believe that happened.
-I know what I saw.

Anyway, why is it great
if she forgot your anniversary?

Because usually I forget.

I’ve been the goat in our marriage
for a long time.

I forget things, I’m selfish,
I’m insensitive.

That’s not gonna change.

But if I remember in the same year
Audrey forgot...

...I totally win.

And more importantly, she loses.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I think she lost 16 years ago.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, you would not believe
this Italian girl I met last night.

Why is it you feel the need
to tell me...

...of every woman
into whose pants you gain entry?

I’ve yet to gain entry.

Uh, she doesn’t speak any English.
My Italian’s a little rusty...

...but I will tell you that her pantalones
are muy caliente.

That’s Spanish.

Ah, merci.

French.

See, this is why I need you.

I need you to come along on my date
tomorrow night and be our translator.

And that brings us to the part
of the morning where I ask, why me?

I'm assuming you speak Italian, right?

I mean, you speak Spanish, French...

...and what’s that crazy one you do
on the phone with your mom?

It’s so irritating.

Honestly, this is you asking me
for a favor? I’ll pass.

Well, wait...

...would you pass on this?

[SNIFFS]

Hmm? Smells good.

I wouldn’t even consider this
if I weren't grossly underpaid...

...and in desperate need of cash
to pay off student loans.

No.

Not quite, termite.

You’ll get your money
at the end of the date.

Ah, the policy
for all your romantic encounters.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, what do you wanna do
tomorrow night?

Um, wanna see a movie?

I’ll bring my man-purse,
we can sneak in a bunch of candy.

Not that I’m not turned on by that...

...but I was thinking
we could do something different.

What about bowling?

Um, I don’t think so.

Why not? Weren’t you
like a junior champ or something?

It was All County Junior Men’s
Bowling Champion, division one.

I can’t bowl
in a non-competitive situation.

Well, don’t take it so seriously.
Just relax and have fun.

[CHUCKLING]

Honey, it’s not a switch
I can just turn off, you know.

I have to bowl at the peak level
of my ability, period.

Come on, it would be sexy seeing you
do something you’re great at.

Oh, yeah, you got that right.

Phew, I was pretty popular
with the Alley Cats.

That’s what we call
the bowling groupies.

Yeah, maybe the man purse
full of candy was the way to go.

Too late, you lit the fuse.
Tomorrow night, the Adamizer rolls.

[♪♪♪]

-Okay, thank you, hey.
-Hey.

I just ordered Audrey a huge bouquet
of anniversary flowers.

Oh, she’ll love that.

No, she won’t. Just make her realize
that she forgot, she'll feel like garbage.

I also made
fancy dinner reservations.

Will she love that?

No, she’ll feel too guilty.

This is gonna be great.

Your relationship
is different than mine.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Don’t worry, you’ll get there.

Hey, Jeff.
But what if Audrey didn’t forget?

What if she’s just not saying anything
because she’s planning a surprise?

Huh....

She knows I hate surprises...

...so you could be right.

I have to find out
if that’s what she’s up to.

Look, why don’t you just be
a loving husband--

No, no here’s the move.

You come on in with me and you
invite us to do something really lame...

...with you and Jen tomorrow night.

Can’t. Already made plans
to go bowling.

Perfect.

If she accepts,
she clearly has nothing planned.

Okay, fine, but look...

...if you’re gonna bowl with me
you have to play by the rules.

You mean throw the ball
and try to knock down the pins?

[CHUCKLES]

-It’s a little more complicated than that.
-It really isn’t.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-How was work?
-Oh, it was great, you ought to try it.

Oh.

I just had a thought.

Um, Jen and I are going bowling
tomorrow night. You guys wanna come?

Bowling, huh?
What an intriguing offer, uh....

What do you think, Aud?

Sure, yeah.

Let’s go bowling.

It puts us one bird-beak phonograph
away from being the Flintstones.

Well, then tomorrow night,
we shall bowl.

That shall be the activity
of the evening.

Okay.

AUDREY:
What time do you think we should go?

I’m just really excited about bowling.

[♪♪♪]

So, Sophia,
what brought you here from Italy?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Ahh.

She initially came to visit friends.

But she thinks she’ll stay on
and perhaps take some classes.

Oh, nice.

Well, tell her no need to worry,
she has got all the class in the world.

-I’m not saying that.
-Heh-heh.

Tell her.

[SIGHS]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[CHUCKLES]

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Ah, she liked that one.

I’m sure she was just humoring you
with a fake laugh.

I think I would know
if a woman is faking it.

He said proudly.

-Are you ready to order?
-Oh, very much so.

A gourmet meal is the only
silver lining to this whole ordeal.

Uh, no food for you.

I don’t want you chewing
while you’re translating.

-But, sir--
-No, no, I need your mouth available.

[CHUCKLES]

I need her mouth available too,
heh-heh.

Tell her.

Tell her!

So did they deliver the flowers
to Audrey?

Oh, I, uh, cancelled them.

Why?

I realized they would’ve reminded hers
that she forgot.

So she could run out to get a gift...

...claimed she knew all along,
and stolen my glory.

Heh, that's good thinking.

I also printed out confirmations
of the dinner reservation and flowers...

...so that I have evidence
that I remembered.

You guys are all set, lanes four,
ten, and 12.

Excuse me,
do you have 10 pound balls?

Yes.

Quick question, when was the last time
you washed your balls?

-The balls get washed once a week.
-Interesting.

I gotta go do some visualizing.

Oh, one more question
do you have blue balls?

[♪♪♪]

Sir, Sophia is in the ladies room,
for God’s sake...

...may I please
have a piece of bread?

-Fine. Go quick.
-Ah.

Here she comes.

Ah. Ha-ha-ha

Aloha.

Hey, um, tell her how worldly I am...

...and that I’ve travelled
Europe expensively.

-I assume you mean extensively.
-No, expensively.

I want her to know how loaded I am.

She already knows
that from when you had me tell her...

...you wanted to name
one of your boats after her.

And, sir, you can do better than that.

What am I suppose to name all my boats
after her? The whole fleet?

You have no boats.

I’m saying you should be open
and honest and let her know
what’s in your heart.

All right, take it easy
Timminy Cricket.

Okay, tell her...

-...I’d like to know...
-Okay.

...what color her underpants are.

[CHUCKLES]

No.

Oh, because she’s European...

...she might not be wearing any,
I got you. Okay, okay.

-Good night.
-No, no, no, stay.

Okay, I’m sorry.

All right.

Tell her I’m glad I met her...

...and maybe she'd like to tell me
about her family in Italy?

Now there you go, sir.

-Honest, simple, from the heart.
-All right, just tell her.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Well?

Um....

She was hoping to pursue
a purely physical relationship.

[CHUCKLES]

Ahh. Ahh.

Pants, one. Heart, zero, all right.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Physical, heh.

[♪♪♪]

Audrey, are you enjoying
this evening...

...which is distinguished solely
by the fact we went bowling?

Uh, yeah, so far, so good.

Ah.

Aw, you and Jen each have your own
bowling balls?

No, they’re both mine.
One's a spare ball.

-All right, I’ll just use that.
-No, no, no.

It’s not an extra ball,
it’s a ball for spares.

The other one is for strikes.

You gotta be kidding me.

Have you never been
to a sanctioned bowling event?

This should be really fun.

[IN UNISON]
Mmm.

Ah.

Ask Sophia if she’d like
to come back to my place.

Fine, I hope she can hear
over the sound of my stomach...

...eating its own lining.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Si.

Yes, she’s ready.

Ohh. Okay.

Done my dirty work here. It is done.

[GIBBERING]

Oh, you’re not done.

[♪♪♪]

Si.

-Yes.
-Mm-hm.

Oh, si.

Yes.

Oh, si.

Oh, yes.

[♪♪♪]

Yes, yes!

Oh, Adam, I accidentally took your
turn when you went to the bathroom.
But, um, you can take mine.

Great, I’d be happy
to add to your 37.

-Um, sorry.
ADAM: No problem.

I was working on a turkey,
but thanks for the two pin contribution.

Hey, why don’t, uh, we take a break?

We’ll have a little time out
and I’ll go get us some drinks.

Oh, I’ll help.

Okay. Audrey’s said nothing
about our anniversary...

...and it’s too late for her to throw
anything together. It’s go time.

-All right, what are you gonna do?
-When she comes back...

...I’ll grab a ball...

-...and a roll strike.
-Not with that follow through.

Then I’ll turn around
and I'm gonna say happy anniversary.

This will be my shining moment
as a husband.

My moment of triumph.

-Happy anniversary.
-What the....

Happy anniversary, honey.

-You remembered?
AUDREY: Of course.

What, just now? You ran and grabbed
the bowling alley cake?

Heh, no.

This cake is from that bakery
that you love on 72nd Street.

And I know you’ve had a lot to deal
with this year with me....

...quitting my job and finding
a surrogate and all that nonsense.

And I didn’t want to put any more
pressure on you. So it’s okay
that you forgot again, I’m not upset.

No, this year I didn’t forget.
I remembered.

Okay, Jeff, you don’t have to do that.
I told you I am not upset.

-No, really I remembered.
ADAM: Yeah.

Yeah, he’s got proof.
Show her the receipts.

No.

-What receipts?
-There are no receipts. I, uh....

I forgot.

-They're right there in his pocket.
-No, they’re not.

AUDREY:
Oh.

A dinner reservation
and a receipt from the florist.

So why am I not at this restaurant
smelling these flowers?

You’re not focusing
on the right thing here.

The point is...

...I remembered.

And you thought I forgot.

So you....

You canceled the dinner
and the flowers...

...but retained the confirmations
to shove in my face.

Happy anniversary.

I don't want you
hanging around with him anymore.

Now can we get back to bowling?

[♪♪♪]

Hey.

I got you these.

You still mad?

You mean, from the worst thing you've
ever done that happened 20 minutes ago?

Still raw. I hear you.

These flowers are just temporary...

...and not just
because they're mostly dead.

I reordered you
the giant bouquet flowers.

And we have those dinner reservations
for tomorrow night.

Well, that's a start.

You have your choice
of 5:15 or 10:45.

You know...

...if you spend a fraction of the time
you spend game playing...

...and plotting against me
toward nice things--

I won't deny it, this one kind of
got away from me.

I, uh, I'm really sorry.

I gotta get to the gym.
I'm tense, I've been tense.

[SIGHS]

I know you have.

I was just so proud of myself
when I remembered.

Well, at least that shows you
were trying to be a good husband.

-Then when I thought you forgot--
-You got greedy.

I did.

I flew too close to the sun.

Well, to use a phrase I've used
far too often on our anniversary...

...I forgive you.

-You do?
-Yeah, come on.

We're 16 years in,
nobody's going anywhere.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Who'd have thought
you remembering our anniversary...

...would be so much worse
than you forgetting it?

Well, don't worry.
That won't happen again.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Audrey,
sometimes I don't think I deserve you.

So there are times
when you think you do?

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

Timmy.

Timmy. I need you.

Oh. Again? Sir, at a certain point
I really don't think...

-...this is about the translating.
-No, no, no.

You gotta help me eject her
from the cockpit.

At some point during the night
she got a little clingy and annoying.

Well, you know sir...

...that's your problem because
my translating duties are over.

Oh, that's funny because
my paying you duties are over. Wha--?

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

All right, tell her, uh...

...you know, I had fun
but we both know the score.

Fine.

[IN ITALIAN]

Uh, you know, I wish her the best
but I got to move on.

[IN ENGLISH]
Okay.

[IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Uh, she's taking it
like a real trooper, ha, ha.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]