Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 11 - Refusing to Budget - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

I'll have scrambled eggs,
side of sausages.

Western omelet, please.

You know what? Surprise me.

What am I
some kind of birthday party clown?

Come on. It'll be fun.

Okay.

Surprise.

[CHUCKLING]

-Hey, who saw Gossip Girl last night?
-Best episode ever.

Didn't you think it was weird
how it cut out in the middle?



Oh, it'd be great if that could happen
to this conversation.

No, it didn't cut out.

It ended with Dan deciding that he was
going to settle down and be a father...

-...to Georgina Sparks' baby.
-OMG, that's major.

-I know, right?
-I'm sorry, am I at a slumber party?

Seriously, can we guy up
the verbal badminton s'il vous plait?

I don't know what happened.
On my TV, it went to static.

So my guess is they disconnected
your service.

I've tried to tell Mr. Dunbar
now that his mother has cut him off...

...he has to become responsible
and pay his own bills.

But, uh, he remains mired in a level
of denial not to be believed.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Mr. Dunbar, I'm going to
go to the office right now...

...and draw up a budget for you.
We'll go over it later.



Oh, yay, I get to crunch numbers
with H&R blecch.

They all said come to America.

Hey, what's with this getup?

I'm on my way uptown
to start my new job.

Uh, it may be new to you,
but technically...

...it's the world's oldest profession.

[LAUGHING]

He said you're a shepherd.

I'm hostessing over
at Amy Beth's kitchen.

Figured it would be a fun thing to do
while I figure out what's next for me.

-Oh, hey, did you ask them?
-No, no, I did not ask them...

...what they do with the leftover muffins
at the end of the day.

Was there not a point during
the interview when they said...

...do you have any questions?

But honestly, why be a hostess?

I mean, you went to a real college...

...not one of those pretend schools
that are online.

No offense.

None taken.
That was a tough six years.

Being hostess is an honest day's work.
Nothing to be ashamed of.

They bake more than they can sell.
That's just.... That's just business 101.

I was defined by my job
at that magazine.

I mean, it was my whole identity.

You worked at a magazine?

-Yeah, I thought it was furniture store.
-Yeah.

Thank you, caring friends.

No, at my old job
I was stuck in my office all day.

I'm not sure where I'm gonna end up
but in the meantime...

...I wanna be out among people
because I'm a real people person.

-Heh, right. Okay.
-Ha-ha-ha.

I am.

-Right?
-They can't just throw them away.

Oh, enough with the muffins.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

And then in the fourth grade,
I went as a Power Ranger...

...and that was the year
that I got the most candy...

...because there were
a lot of Power Rangers...

...so I hit the same houses,
like, two, three times.

The people didn't even notice.

So that was pretty tight.

Talk less.

Oh, sorry.
I'm just being sociable.

Tell you what,
you're the understudy for the TV.

If something happens to it,
you're on.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ugh.

Hi, hon.

Okay.

What was that?

Ugh, that's what I refer to
as the nothing call.

Audrey calls me to tell me
that she's almost home.

Like I won't piece it together
when she walks through the door.

I swear, one of these days,
I'm just gonna say, "Why the hell
are you telling me that?"

-That sounds annoying.
-Oh, it is.

But it's, you know,
all part of the deal. What's, uh...?

What's Jen's most annoying habit?

Oh, no, she doesn't have any.
She's the best.

-I don't believe you.
-Well, there's this one thing, um...

-...she's a knuckle cracker.
-Hmm.

In bed, I'll be relaxing,
on the verge of falling asleep...

...and all of a sudden
it's, like, crack, crack, pop, pop.

And I wanna say something to her...

...but I'm just afraid
to hurt her feelings.

You never confront head-on.
Just get defensive.

-So what do you do?
-You ask her...

...if there's anything about you
that she'd wanna change.

She'll tell you something that bugs her
and you say that you'll work on it.

And then, inevitably, she'll say,
"What would you change about me?"

-Ah, so she brings it on herself. Nice.
-Yeah. I'm not new to this.

Anyway, you say, uh,
"Well, if I had to pick something,...

-...it'd be the knuckle cracking."
-That really works?

It's worked on all Audrey's
bad habits.

Eh.

Except for that one.

Which one is that?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey.

Super.

Thanks for letting me know.

Hey, I'm home.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, so you lead the guests
over to their table...

-...and you say, "Enjoy your meal."
-Oh, no.

It is a lot to remember.
I'll get you a pen.

No, no, no. That woman.

I went to college with her.
I can't let her see me working here.

-Why not?
-You know, it's kind of humiliating.

No, not for you. You're fine.
It's just we were really competitive.

And I had kind
of an important job before this.

-So now my job's not important.
-No, okay, fine...

...you're Hillary freaking Clinton, okay.
Just cover for me.

-Audrey. Heh.
-Oh.

-How are you?
-Oh, Stephanie.

-Oh, I thought that was you.
-So what are you up to?

Oh, you know,
just getting my brunch on.

Um, uh, Audrey, party of two.

-Where's the other person?
-She's on her way.

Whoa, attitude.

Whatever. She's a hostess.

-Uh, so what are you doing these days?
-Actually, I just got promoted.

-I run the mentor program at NYU.
-Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

What about you?
Are you still with the magazine?

Yes, I am.
Kind of an even bigger deal, heh.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's your nametag, Audrey.

I have a young woman in the program
who majored in journalism.

-Would you be up for mentoring her?
-Well, sure.

I hope she's smart.
I have a lot to offer.

So you said that you're still
working at the magazine?

[CHUCKLES]

What happened to, "There's no shame
in being a hostess"?

There isn't. It's just....

In the time it would have taken
to explain--

"I quit. I'm a hostess now,"
1.4 seconds.

It's easy for you to just sit there
and take shots.

That's why I'm doing it.

All right, so, uh,
what's the plan, Lucy?

You gonna get Ethel
to dress up as your boss?

I'm having Julia meet me
in the lobby of my old building.

-Why?
-It's what Stephanie wanted.

I'll just make it look like
I just came down from my office
and I'll take her straight to lunch.

Take her to Amy Beth's. Give her the
full tour of places you no longer work.

Very funny.

Don't worry,
I have this all figured out.

I'm gonna teach her everything I know
and she'll be none the wiser.

[♪♪♪]

Well, well, well.

This place is crawling
with wiener candy.

Nothing off-putting about that, sir.

I'm not sure you've chosen the best
venue in which to discuss this
but I've outlined a very basic budget.

Ugh. Speaking of which,
I bet this chick in the red...

...could budge it without even
touching it if you know what I mean.

I often long for the simpler time
when I didn't know what you meant.

Barkeep,
can I get a glass of champagne...

...for every chick in the bar
under 110 pounds, heh?

-Sir, do you really think that's wise?
-Oh, you're right.

Let's make it 115.
Don't want to offend.

Heh.

-But back to your finances.
-Yes. Here we go.

This is what you spend in an average
night buying women cocktails.

[GIGGLING]

-You just said--
-Cocktails. Yes.

I know that word can be broken down
with hilarious consequences.

-Now, please, sir, focus on--
-Excuse me.

Hi, I just wanted to thank you
for the champagne.

-Oh, you're very welcome.
-I'm Cheyenne.

Oh, Shy-Anne.
Well, I'm Suave Russell.

[LAUGHING]

-That's cute.
RUSSELL: Heh.

No, I was born in Wyoming.

-Oh, so you're a mountain girl.
-Oh, I am.

Well, let's start mounting, girl.

Really?

That's funny. Do you wanna come
join me at my table?

-Really?
RUSSELL: Heh, heh.

I'd love to.

Coming next fall
on The Skankiest Catch.

[♪♪♪]

I mean, they call it
Sports Illustrated for Kids.

This is every bit
as informative as the other one.

That's great, honey.

Apolo Ohno has a cat named Icy.

I mean, that's just good reporting.

Hey, sweetie, I was wondering...

...if you could change one thing
about me what would it be?

Nothing, honey. You're perfect.

Oh, no, no, come on.
Come on, honey.

There's gotta be something.

Hmm.

If I had to pick one thing...

-Yeah?
-...you can be a tiny bit chatty.

Okay.

Okay. No, that's great.
I will work on that.

Well, might there be something
that you wanna ask me?

Yeah, why are you so chatty?

-What?
-Well, it's like, I wake up to you talking.

All morning, then all day,
then at night.

You know, watching TV,
having dinner. Even during sex.

And it's not even about the sex.

It's just random babble,
talk, talk, talk.

I mean, you have this need
to fill the air with noise.

I have literally gone outside sometimes
for some peace and quiet...

...and we live in the busiest city
in the world.

I guess I didn't realize
how much that bothered me.

Yeah.

Thanks for letting me
get it off my chest.

Good night, honey.

[♪♪♪]

So ultimately, what I learned was,
when you buy a used jet, get a receipt.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Oh, I have to use the little girls room.
-Oh, well, wait a second.

Here, give this to the attendant.

Oh, they don't have one here.

Oh, well, just to be clear, I'm rich.

-Heh. Okay. Heh.
-All right.

I finally get it now.

It's all about your lack of self-esteem,
isn't it?

-What is?
-Your compulsion to try to win
women with lies and extravagance.

If you had something real to offer,
you wouldn't need to hide behind
the expensive food and fancy drinks.

Oh, really?

I'm not hiding behind anything.

[SIGHS]

Who asked for
your dumb opinion anyway?

Timmy?

Timmy?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

RUSSELL:
Ah.

-All right. Here we go.
-Ah.

It's very dark.

Let me get the lights.

Crap. Hey, you know what,
this is more romantic anyway.

-Why don't you have a seat?
-Okay, heh.

[THUDS THEN RUSSELL GROANS]

Are you okay?

Just took a corner of a table
in the nards. No biggie.

I'm just slumming it here until
my entire floor at the Dakota is redone.

I talked to Yoko.

She said her and John did it.
Took six months.

But we're going on a year here.
I mean, what's up?

Who are John and Yoko?

Oh, I have no idea.
I'm too young.

So why don't you just go
stay on your yacht?

It's in the yacht shop.

And they were gonna give me a loaner
but it doesn't have GPS.

I don't want to get lost and wind up
on Gilligan's Island, heh.

-What's that?
-Don't ask me. I'm too young.

Mm. Yeah.

There we go. Ah.

Why doesn't this lamp work?

Oh, no, you know what,
it must be a blackout.

Quick, let's see
if the bed still works.

All the other buildings
are lit up, heh.

What's going on, Russell?
Do you not have electricity, heh?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Got a confession to make, uh....

I am Amish.

Art thou shocked?

Art thou serious?

How dumb do you think I am?

Not as dumb as I was hoping.

All right, here's the thing.

Uh, my trust fund was cut off.

And I have not yet learned
how to fend for myself.

But I'm sure you'll stand by me
while I learn...

...because you and I,
I feel, have a real connection.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Jeff. I'm in the lobby.

The girl's not here yet
but so far, so good.

Thanks. I need to know where you are
every second of every day.

-Where are you, anyway?
-Well, your other old workplace.

They put out a fine product.
Oh, excuse me.

Who do I talk to about day-old muffins?

Are you Julia?

-Audrey.
-Hi.

I just came down in the elevator
from a high-level meeting.

Wow.

-It's very nice to meet you.
-Oh, you too.

Hmm, I have a lot to offer.

-Great. I wanna learn everything.
-And learn, you shall.

I have a hankering for
a cobb salad. What do you say?

Oh, yeah.
That sounds really great.

But if it's not too much trouble...

..I was really hoping
I'd get to see your office first.

Oh, uh, uh....

It's being fumigated.

-Oh.
-Bugs.

Bedbugs.

Angry little ones.

[♪♪♪]

-And what can I get you?
-Oh, I'm good. Day-old. Half price.

How's your sandwich?

So I call you chatty
and now you're not gonna talk?

I wouldn't have said anything
if I knew--

Why--? Why are you trying to fix this?

Scooch.

You were right, Timmy.

Poor guys don't get the hoo-hah.

Not even close to what I said, sir.

I was simply telling you not to pretend
to be something other than yourself.

Yeah, like tall or STD-free.

Sir, you needn't wallow.
It's not as if you're penniless.

All you need to do is be responsible
and pay your bills.

I would like my gas turned back on.

So I can stick my head in the oven.

[♪♪♪]

-Oh, my God, it's Gina Black.
-Oh, crap.

She publishes your magazine
and so many others.

Do you think there's a chance
I could meet her?

She's very busy
but I will tell her you say hi.

-Now, about that cobb salad.
-Miss Black?

Oh, jeez, what are you doing?
Shut up.

-Can I help you?
-Hi, Gina.

This is Julia. I'm mentoring her. Heh.

-And you are?
-Audrey Bingham.

-I was assistant editor of Indoor Living.
-Was?

Is. Am.

-Did you just start?
-No, I've worked here for years.

Last fall I pitched the whole
Ottoman Empire spread.

-Did we use it?
-It was the freaking cover.

I busted my ass on that issue...

...and you don't even remember
if we used it?

That's how little I meant?

-Oh, I know who you are.
-Thank you.

You're the one who stole the chair.

That was my chair.

And you know something,
I am glad I quit.

You don't work here?

You're just putting that together now,
genius?

-Well, then, why did you volunteer--
-Because I have a lot to offer.

Hey, it's me.
I'll be home in a few minutes.

Because you're my husband
and I thought you might be interested.

[♪♪♪]

Ah, there you go.

Sade and Merlot, oh.

Perhaps I should have been
a bit clearer, sir.

This is merely a work visit.

Good one. Straight from
the Calcutta chuckle hut.

-So, uh, what do we do?
-Well, uh, where are your bills?

I keep them over here.

I couldn't be less surprised.

All right, well, uh, why don't you,
uh, reach in there and pick one.

What's that one for?

Ahem. Well, this one is, uh....

Huh.

This isn't a bill at all, sir, um....

It's actually a dividend check
from stocks that are still in your name.

-What?
-Your mother must
have overlooked them.

-Heh, really?
-Yes, and fortuitously so.

This influx of funds, you'll be able
to pay off all of these bills...

...and still have a little left over
for a rainy day.

Or....

Yeah.

[ALL CHEERING & APPLAUDING]

Woo-hoo!

I'm rich again, I love it!

-I implore you to--
-Timmy!

Have some fun.

Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo

[♪♪♪]

I mean, "chatty"? I just like to talk.

Things occur to me
and I wanna share them.

What am I supposed to e-mail her?

I really don't think I talk any more
than the next guy, you know?

What kind of beer is this?
It's good.

Hmm.

My Uncle Roddy has six toes.

You stop cracking your knuckles
and this one will shut up.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]