Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 10 - Fun Run - full transcript
Jeff struggles to figure out how to ask his co-workers to donate money for Audrey's 10K charity run after telling them that he doesn't want to participate in their fundraisers anymore. Meanwhile, Russell gets a taste of his own medicine from a recent date.
-Hey.
ADAM: Hey, whoa.
Snazzy getup, Aud.
Thank you. I've decided
to get back into running.
And buying outfits that make you look
like you're from the future.
I am from the future.
Guess what? I'm single.
Fine. I'll be dating
a bunch of sexy robots.
It's a good thing that you, uh,
ripped the tags off that new outfit.
Wouldn't wanna be able
to return it after you give up.
I'm not gonna give up.
I'm as committed to running
as you are to clogging your arteries.
I doubt it.
Well....
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have to, uh, get to the office.
Now that you're not working,
I have to try.
He's so stressed out about money,
but he's too manly to admit it.
Jennifer is the same way.
Why don't they know
it's okay to open up?
Dopey, Bashful, Busty.
Sir, isn't that the same outfit
you were wearing--
When you opened
for the Doobie Brothers?
I was going to say last night.
It is indeed the same outfit
I, uh, wore last night...
...because I had an away game.
Is this the end of it...
...or should I prepare for yet another
woman storming into your office...
...to deliver a Who's Afraid
Of Virginia Woolf? style tirade?
[ADAM CHUCKLES]
Virginia Woolf?
No, Timmy, it's the big bad wolf.
No, Mr. Rhodes, I was actually....
Thank you.
Anyway, Heather's great.
She's sweet and funny.
We laugh. We talk.
We kissed on the mouth.
-Sounds like you really like this girl.
-I do, and it's not just physical.
I like hanging out with her.
-So how'd you guys leave things?
-I don't know. I snuck out.
-Why?
-Habit, I guess.
Open eyes, back of chick's head,
not my apartment, skedoodle.
[IMITATES WHOOSH]
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
-You should go back.
-Can you go back, though?
Can you unskedoodle?
-Yeah, if you really like her, why not?
-Yeah, I do.
-I'm going back.
-Good.
Oh. It's like running over a bunny
with your car...
...and then getting out
and shooting it.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
DAN: Oh, hey, Jeff.
-Hey, Dan, what's up?
-I'm collecting for Janet's baby gift.
-Didn't I already kick in for that?
No, that was
Janet's baby shower gift.
Ah.
I'm surprised I wasn't asked to kick in
for the booze her husband used...
...when he knocked her up.
I mean, why don't you just
bend me over, Janet?
Yeah, maybe don't sign the card.
Oh, oh, and it's Todd's birthday today.
I'm collecting for a cake.
Oh, a cake? Is Todd turning nine?
Here.
Here's a little extra. Why don't you
get him a bounce house too?
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hey.
-Russell, where did you go?
I ran out to get you this. It's like you.
Soft, delicious, and low in fat.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
So I thought
we could hang out this morning.
Oh, that sounds great. I'd love to.
Wait. I'm getting a text.
Oh, shoot.
I've gotta run into the office.
Oh, I understand.
Wanna get lunch?
I wish I could but I'm stacked up
all day with work stuff.
Oh, message received. Dinner?
-Dinner. Heh, it's a plan.
-Okay.
Wait, I have a weekly work meeting
Wednesday nights.
Well, tonight's Thursday.
Ah, Wednesday and Thursday
are my two worst nights.
I've got work functions
on both of them.
You couldn't have had one last night,
we were together.
It was before that.
Anyway, I better go get ready...
...but I have your number, so I'll call
if things get a little less hectic, okay?
She said she's gonna call me.
Hm. So that's what you took away
from all that?
It's not what I took away.
That's what she said.
She's gonna call me.
I see.
Wow. Um, the thing is,
I'm not quite sure how to put this--
I think what Timmy's
trying to say is....
Congratulations, man.
It sounds like she's really into you.
-That's right. Yeah.
-Yeah.
[RUSSELL SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
Yo, Jeff. The raffle tickets are in.
Time to pay the piper.
Which raffle tickets? What piper?
My lodge's charity raffle,
remember?
Fifty bucks a ticket,
grand prize is a Volkswagen Jetta.
-You said you'd buy a ticket.
-Oh, I've changed my mind.
-So you don't wanna buy one?
-No, detective, I don't.
Come on. Everyone else
in the office bought a ticket.
What is this, socialist Canada?
-Actually, I don't think Canada is--
-Look, look, I have just....
I've had enough of having
everyone's hands in my pocket.
In fact, you know what? That's it.
Excuse me.
Can I have everyone's attention?
I am sick of you parasites
asking me to contribute, donate...
...or kick in to,
uh, every charity raffle...
...or stupid event
in your pathetic lives. I'm out!
Happy birthday, Todd.
[♪♪♪]
Really?
Right in the middle of Todd's party?
Yeah, I just snapped.
Everyone was pretty shocked.
It didn't help when I took
the first piece of cake.
Hey, Jeff, Audrey thinks you're really
stressed out about money.
Why don't you talk to her about it?
That's not how I do things.
I, uh, believe that a man
provides for his woman...
...without ever complaining
or showing stress...
...all the while
silently resenting her for it.
Cool, cool.
Okay, well, I should take off.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Hey.
I just got back from running
with Kate. Guess what.
I hate this game.
You never appreciate my guesses.
She's doing a 10K charity fun run,
and I decided to sign up.
Is it topless?
Because that would be a real fun run.
"Are you sure you can't do better?"
All my friends said.
"Yes, I'm sure."
All right, well,
good for you and Kate.
Tomorrow I'm gonna bring
this pledge sheet to your office...
...and get your coworkers
to donate money.
Coworkers?
I don't think that's, uh, a good idea.
Why? I'm raising money
for a good cause.
Come on. Look, if they were gonna
find a cure for this disease...
...uh, wouldn't they have
found one already?
It's for an animal shelter.
Still.
Heh, heh,
why the sudden anti-charity stance?
Look, I....
I just don't think that the people
in my office are very generous.
Well, it can't hurt to ask.
Fine. If you're gonna
be stubborn about this...
...I'll take care of it.
[♪♪♪]
[RUSSELL GROANS]
I can't believe Heather
hasn't called me yet.
I know.
Maybe my phone's broken.
Give me a call.
[TIMMY SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Heather?
Babe? Hello?
No, sir, it's me.
Well, quit tying up the line.
She might be trying to call me.
Man, she must be super busy.
Busy sanding off her fingerprints
and changing her identity.
Oh, hey, dude,
why don't you just call her?
-She forgot to give me her number.
ADAM: Argh.
TIMMY: Ah.
-But I know where she works.
Sir, I really don't think
calling her is a good idea.
Timmy, heh.
Poor, sweet, fancy, stupid Timmy.
You're jealous.
Why in the world
would I be jealous?
Because I have this great relationship
and you just got dumped...
...by that squeaky garden rake
from Accounting.
She didn't dump me.
She moved to Chicago.
We're trying to work things out
long-distance.
I hope you do.
She seems like a sweetheart.
Hey, let him call her.
Let him get a taste
of his own sleazy medicine...
...like he gives every girl he blows off.
It makes me sick.
RUSSELL:
Hm.
See, Audrey thinks I should call.
My, you really only hear
what you want to hear.
Thanks. I've been working out.
Hey, is Heather there?
-This is so exciting.
RUSSELL: Heather, it's Russell.
Yeah, hey, I was just thinking
this week we could, uh....
Uh, what's that? Really?
Well, yeah,
you should be there for her.
Sure, well, give me a call
when you get back. Okay.
Shows what you know.
She was just about to call me...
...but she had to rush off
to visit her sick aunt in Nova Scotia.
Oh.
Man, you are having the worst luck
with her. It's crazy.
Really? Just bad luck?
You see no subtext
in Heather's conveyance?
I don't see subtext in anything.
This is like
a classic romantic comedy.
-It sure feels that way.
ADAM: Yes, yes.
All you have to do is get over
some of these obstacles
and you guys can be together.
-It'll be perfect.
-It's gonna be amazing.
Here you go.
Look who stepped up for his wife.
Whoa, everyone in your office
made a pledge.
Oh, and look, there's even one
from Holden McGroin.
Yeah, that was me. Hilarious.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Well, that's great. And you didn't think
they were generous.
All of them came through.
Thank them for me.
Well, except for Holden McGroin.
-He went away for the weekend with--
-I know. His wife, Pat.
[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]
-Pat McGroin, heh.
-Pat McGroin.
How'd you get all those people
to pledge?
Did you apologize
for your big speech?
No, I just signed
everybody up myself.
Well, what happens
when it's time to collect?
I'll just pay the 150 bucks myself.
[TIMMY CLEARS THROAT]
-Um, Mr. Bingham?
-Yes, guy who looks like a math TA...
...at every college ever.
These pledges are per kilometer...
...which means that when
Mrs. Bingham completes her 10K...
-...you'll, in fact, owe $1500.
-Ooh.
[WHISTLES]
Guess it's not surprising
how fast I calculated that.
I'll take care of this.
This is a man's work.
Gotta get the old Jaws of Life
to pry open that checkbook of yours.
Unless Audrey never
makes it to the race.
Ah.
I think Jeff's gonna kill Audrey.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Timmy, I want you
to make reservations for me...
...at a romantic restaurant every night
for the next several weeks.
Oh, I'm so glad to see
that you and Mr. Rhodes...
...are taking it to the next level.
It's not for us. I want to be ready
for when Heather comes back.
Oh, you know what? Let's make it
a Nova Scotian restaurant.
Sir, you're making a big mistake.
Uh, he might be right.
After being up there, Nova Scotian
cuisine may be the last thing she wants.
-Ah, good call. Smart.
-Thank you, thank you.
All right, let's just take
a step back, shall we?
You just called Mr. Rhodes smart.
That's not a red flag that
your judgment might be impaired?
Listen, I'm on Team Adam here.
I think Heather and I were made
for each other.
Okay, look, I was hoping
you would come to your senses...
...but you leave me no choice.
Heather's Facebook page.
Her profile says
she's in a relationship...
...and her status says she's at
this New York City restaurant...
...with this very handsome man
at this very moment.
[RUSSELL SIGHS]
Do you know what this means?
I do.
-She's back in town, dude.
-Heh, heh.
And she's at McSweeney's
with one of her gay buddies.
And she's listed us
as being in a relationship.
-All right, I'm gonna go surprise her.
-That is a great idea.
-Come with me.
-I'm coming.
AUDREY: Hey, Jeff,
I need to get up early for the fun run.
-Can you set the alarm for 6:15?
-Already did.
Hey, you know what you got to do
before a big race?
-Hydrate.
-Heh, good idea.
Finish it.
Thattagirl.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
You know,
just to be on the safe side...
...I'm gonna take one of these.
-Take one of what?
-Your sleeping pills.
-Oh, I.... I wouldn't.
-I already did.
Oh.
This way, I'll be good
and rested for the race.
See you tomorrow.
Or the next day.
[♪♪♪]
[CHATTERING]
Sir, stop.
-What are you doing here?
-I can't let you go through with this.
Oh, I know what's going on.
You're worried that
if I get in a serious relationship...
...it's gonna hurt
the friendship we have.
Do you have a backup guess?
I implore you to think back.
Everything Heather has said and done
constitutes a classic blow-off.
Oh, shoot.
I've got to run into the office.
She was just about to call me,
but then she had to suddenly rush up...
...and visit her sick aunt
in Nova Scotia.
Wow, I just called Heather
and a woman who sounds just like her...
...answered and said
she found Heather's phone.
-I'm very sorry, sir.
-Don't feel sorry for me.
Feel sorry for Heather.
She's the one stuck up
in Nova Scotia with no phone.
Argh.
These are all evasive maneuvers...
...that you yourself
have used on women.
Sir, Heather's using the technique
that you refer to as...
...the old hump and dump.
[SIGHS]
I think I've been Russelled.
[RUSSELL GROANS]
You know, on some level,
I think I knew...
...but I liked her so much,
I just didn't want to believe it.
-We've all been there, sir.
-Oh, yeah, you got dumped...
...by that four-eyed javelin
from Accounting.
Anyway, you were right.
I guess I owe you--
HEATHER:
Russell?
[HEATHER LAUGHS]
I'm so glad you're here.
-You are?
-Of course.
-Wow, I thought you were going to--
-Nova Scotia. I was.
But I didn't have to
because my sick aunt got better.
-Oh, well, that's great.
-And I wanted to call you...
...but I lost my phone.
I was so upset, so my friend Gordon
took me out for a drink.
Hi.
-His boyfriend's out of town.
-So it's just us girls.
-How did you know to come here?
-Your Facebook page.
Oh, is it okay I said
we were in a relationship?
Is that dress red?
Look, you two don't need me
chaperoning.
Gordon out. As if it wasn't obvious.
[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]
Um, all right, I'll come over
in one second, all right?
[SIGHS]
Wow, I guess it's me
who owes you an apology.
Shh, shh, shh.
Timmy, I just hope one day
you won't be so cynical...
...and you can open your heart
to romance.
[RUSSELL WHISTLING]
Hello.
Oh, my gosh.
These are so beautiful.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[♪♪♪]
Aud.
Aud.
[AUDREY SNORING]
[GASPS]
[THE KINKS' "SLEEPWALKER"
PLAYING]
♪ Everybody got problems, buddy
I got mine ♪
♪ When midnight comes around
I start to lose my mind ♪
♪ When the sun puts out the light
I join the creatures of the night ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm a sleepwalker ♪
♪ I'm a night stalker ♪
♪ I'm a street walker ♪
♪ I'm a night hawker ♪
♪ Everybody got secrets
That they wanna hide ♪
♪ When midnight comes along
I take a look inside ♪
♪ Don't go talkin' in your sleep
I might come in for a peep ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm a sleepwalker ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
So you slept through the fun run?
Heh, can you believe it?
Right through my alarm.
But I had the weirdest dream
that I did run it.
It was so real.
But not real enough to collect money
from my coworkers.
Well, anyways, the gang
at the office will be bummed.
-They live to give.
-Oh, heh, heh.
Well, tell them not to worry. I wrote
a check to cover all their pledges.
-Did you, now?
-Yeah.
For, uh, all 1500?
Yeah. Just because I overslept,
the charity shouldn't suffer.
I'm gonna go mail this.
You're silently resenting her
right now, aren't you?
I am.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Good morning, Heather.
I have a feeling that every morning
with you will be a good one.
[GRUNTS]
HEATHER:
Russell, sorry I had to sneak out...
...but my National Guard unit
was called into duty this morning.
I can't tell you where I'll be
or when I'll be back...
...but I'll give you a call
when I return.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
ADAM: Hey, whoa.
Snazzy getup, Aud.
Thank you. I've decided
to get back into running.
And buying outfits that make you look
like you're from the future.
I am from the future.
Guess what? I'm single.
Fine. I'll be dating
a bunch of sexy robots.
It's a good thing that you, uh,
ripped the tags off that new outfit.
Wouldn't wanna be able
to return it after you give up.
I'm not gonna give up.
I'm as committed to running
as you are to clogging your arteries.
I doubt it.
Well....
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have to, uh, get to the office.
Now that you're not working,
I have to try.
He's so stressed out about money,
but he's too manly to admit it.
Jennifer is the same way.
Why don't they know
it's okay to open up?
Dopey, Bashful, Busty.
Sir, isn't that the same outfit
you were wearing--
When you opened
for the Doobie Brothers?
I was going to say last night.
It is indeed the same outfit
I, uh, wore last night...
...because I had an away game.
Is this the end of it...
...or should I prepare for yet another
woman storming into your office...
...to deliver a Who's Afraid
Of Virginia Woolf? style tirade?
[ADAM CHUCKLES]
Virginia Woolf?
No, Timmy, it's the big bad wolf.
No, Mr. Rhodes, I was actually....
Thank you.
Anyway, Heather's great.
She's sweet and funny.
We laugh. We talk.
We kissed on the mouth.
-Sounds like you really like this girl.
-I do, and it's not just physical.
I like hanging out with her.
-So how'd you guys leave things?
-I don't know. I snuck out.
-Why?
-Habit, I guess.
Open eyes, back of chick's head,
not my apartment, skedoodle.
[IMITATES WHOOSH]
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
-You should go back.
-Can you go back, though?
Can you unskedoodle?
-Yeah, if you really like her, why not?
-Yeah, I do.
-I'm going back.
-Good.
Oh. It's like running over a bunny
with your car...
...and then getting out
and shooting it.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
DAN: Oh, hey, Jeff.
-Hey, Dan, what's up?
-I'm collecting for Janet's baby gift.
-Didn't I already kick in for that?
No, that was
Janet's baby shower gift.
Ah.
I'm surprised I wasn't asked to kick in
for the booze her husband used...
...when he knocked her up.
I mean, why don't you just
bend me over, Janet?
Yeah, maybe don't sign the card.
Oh, oh, and it's Todd's birthday today.
I'm collecting for a cake.
Oh, a cake? Is Todd turning nine?
Here.
Here's a little extra. Why don't you
get him a bounce house too?
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
-Hey.
-Russell, where did you go?
I ran out to get you this. It's like you.
Soft, delicious, and low in fat.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
So I thought
we could hang out this morning.
Oh, that sounds great. I'd love to.
Wait. I'm getting a text.
Oh, shoot.
I've gotta run into the office.
Oh, I understand.
Wanna get lunch?
I wish I could but I'm stacked up
all day with work stuff.
Oh, message received. Dinner?
-Dinner. Heh, it's a plan.
-Okay.
Wait, I have a weekly work meeting
Wednesday nights.
Well, tonight's Thursday.
Ah, Wednesday and Thursday
are my two worst nights.
I've got work functions
on both of them.
You couldn't have had one last night,
we were together.
It was before that.
Anyway, I better go get ready...
...but I have your number, so I'll call
if things get a little less hectic, okay?
She said she's gonna call me.
Hm. So that's what you took away
from all that?
It's not what I took away.
That's what she said.
She's gonna call me.
I see.
Wow. Um, the thing is,
I'm not quite sure how to put this--
I think what Timmy's
trying to say is....
Congratulations, man.
It sounds like she's really into you.
-That's right. Yeah.
-Yeah.
[RUSSELL SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
Yo, Jeff. The raffle tickets are in.
Time to pay the piper.
Which raffle tickets? What piper?
My lodge's charity raffle,
remember?
Fifty bucks a ticket,
grand prize is a Volkswagen Jetta.
-You said you'd buy a ticket.
-Oh, I've changed my mind.
-So you don't wanna buy one?
-No, detective, I don't.
Come on. Everyone else
in the office bought a ticket.
What is this, socialist Canada?
-Actually, I don't think Canada is--
-Look, look, I have just....
I've had enough of having
everyone's hands in my pocket.
In fact, you know what? That's it.
Excuse me.
Can I have everyone's attention?
I am sick of you parasites
asking me to contribute, donate...
...or kick in to,
uh, every charity raffle...
...or stupid event
in your pathetic lives. I'm out!
Happy birthday, Todd.
[♪♪♪]
Really?
Right in the middle of Todd's party?
Yeah, I just snapped.
Everyone was pretty shocked.
It didn't help when I took
the first piece of cake.
Hey, Jeff, Audrey thinks you're really
stressed out about money.
Why don't you talk to her about it?
That's not how I do things.
I, uh, believe that a man
provides for his woman...
...without ever complaining
or showing stress...
...all the while
silently resenting her for it.
Cool, cool.
Okay, well, I should take off.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Hey.
I just got back from running
with Kate. Guess what.
I hate this game.
You never appreciate my guesses.
She's doing a 10K charity fun run,
and I decided to sign up.
Is it topless?
Because that would be a real fun run.
"Are you sure you can't do better?"
All my friends said.
"Yes, I'm sure."
All right, well,
good for you and Kate.
Tomorrow I'm gonna bring
this pledge sheet to your office...
...and get your coworkers
to donate money.
Coworkers?
I don't think that's, uh, a good idea.
Why? I'm raising money
for a good cause.
Come on. Look, if they were gonna
find a cure for this disease...
...uh, wouldn't they have
found one already?
It's for an animal shelter.
Still.
Heh, heh,
why the sudden anti-charity stance?
Look, I....
I just don't think that the people
in my office are very generous.
Well, it can't hurt to ask.
Fine. If you're gonna
be stubborn about this...
...I'll take care of it.
[♪♪♪]
[RUSSELL GROANS]
I can't believe Heather
hasn't called me yet.
I know.
Maybe my phone's broken.
Give me a call.
[TIMMY SIGHS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Heather?
Babe? Hello?
No, sir, it's me.
Well, quit tying up the line.
She might be trying to call me.
Man, she must be super busy.
Busy sanding off her fingerprints
and changing her identity.
Oh, hey, dude,
why don't you just call her?
-She forgot to give me her number.
ADAM: Argh.
TIMMY: Ah.
-But I know where she works.
Sir, I really don't think
calling her is a good idea.
Timmy, heh.
Poor, sweet, fancy, stupid Timmy.
You're jealous.
Why in the world
would I be jealous?
Because I have this great relationship
and you just got dumped...
...by that squeaky garden rake
from Accounting.
She didn't dump me.
She moved to Chicago.
We're trying to work things out
long-distance.
I hope you do.
She seems like a sweetheart.
Hey, let him call her.
Let him get a taste
of his own sleazy medicine...
...like he gives every girl he blows off.
It makes me sick.
RUSSELL:
Hm.
See, Audrey thinks I should call.
My, you really only hear
what you want to hear.
Thanks. I've been working out.
Hey, is Heather there?
-This is so exciting.
RUSSELL: Heather, it's Russell.
Yeah, hey, I was just thinking
this week we could, uh....
Uh, what's that? Really?
Well, yeah,
you should be there for her.
Sure, well, give me a call
when you get back. Okay.
Shows what you know.
She was just about to call me...
...but she had to rush off
to visit her sick aunt in Nova Scotia.
Oh.
Man, you are having the worst luck
with her. It's crazy.
Really? Just bad luck?
You see no subtext
in Heather's conveyance?
I don't see subtext in anything.
This is like
a classic romantic comedy.
-It sure feels that way.
ADAM: Yes, yes.
All you have to do is get over
some of these obstacles
and you guys can be together.
-It'll be perfect.
-It's gonna be amazing.
Here you go.
Look who stepped up for his wife.
Whoa, everyone in your office
made a pledge.
Oh, and look, there's even one
from Holden McGroin.
Yeah, that was me. Hilarious.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Well, that's great. And you didn't think
they were generous.
All of them came through.
Thank them for me.
Well, except for Holden McGroin.
-He went away for the weekend with--
-I know. His wife, Pat.
[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]
-Pat McGroin, heh.
-Pat McGroin.
How'd you get all those people
to pledge?
Did you apologize
for your big speech?
No, I just signed
everybody up myself.
Well, what happens
when it's time to collect?
I'll just pay the 150 bucks myself.
[TIMMY CLEARS THROAT]
-Um, Mr. Bingham?
-Yes, guy who looks like a math TA...
...at every college ever.
These pledges are per kilometer...
...which means that when
Mrs. Bingham completes her 10K...
-...you'll, in fact, owe $1500.
-Ooh.
[WHISTLES]
Guess it's not surprising
how fast I calculated that.
I'll take care of this.
This is a man's work.
Gotta get the old Jaws of Life
to pry open that checkbook of yours.
Unless Audrey never
makes it to the race.
Ah.
I think Jeff's gonna kill Audrey.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Timmy, I want you
to make reservations for me...
...at a romantic restaurant every night
for the next several weeks.
Oh, I'm so glad to see
that you and Mr. Rhodes...
...are taking it to the next level.
It's not for us. I want to be ready
for when Heather comes back.
Oh, you know what? Let's make it
a Nova Scotian restaurant.
Sir, you're making a big mistake.
Uh, he might be right.
After being up there, Nova Scotian
cuisine may be the last thing she wants.
-Ah, good call. Smart.
-Thank you, thank you.
All right, let's just take
a step back, shall we?
You just called Mr. Rhodes smart.
That's not a red flag that
your judgment might be impaired?
Listen, I'm on Team Adam here.
I think Heather and I were made
for each other.
Okay, look, I was hoping
you would come to your senses...
...but you leave me no choice.
Heather's Facebook page.
Her profile says
she's in a relationship...
...and her status says she's at
this New York City restaurant...
...with this very handsome man
at this very moment.
[RUSSELL SIGHS]
Do you know what this means?
I do.
-She's back in town, dude.
-Heh, heh.
And she's at McSweeney's
with one of her gay buddies.
And she's listed us
as being in a relationship.
-All right, I'm gonna go surprise her.
-That is a great idea.
-Come with me.
-I'm coming.
AUDREY: Hey, Jeff,
I need to get up early for the fun run.
-Can you set the alarm for 6:15?
-Already did.
Hey, you know what you got to do
before a big race?
-Hydrate.
-Heh, good idea.
Finish it.
Thattagirl.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
You know,
just to be on the safe side...
...I'm gonna take one of these.
-Take one of what?
-Your sleeping pills.
-Oh, I.... I wouldn't.
-I already did.
Oh.
This way, I'll be good
and rested for the race.
See you tomorrow.
Or the next day.
[♪♪♪]
[CHATTERING]
Sir, stop.
-What are you doing here?
-I can't let you go through with this.
Oh, I know what's going on.
You're worried that
if I get in a serious relationship...
...it's gonna hurt
the friendship we have.
Do you have a backup guess?
I implore you to think back.
Everything Heather has said and done
constitutes a classic blow-off.
Oh, shoot.
I've got to run into the office.
She was just about to call me,
but then she had to suddenly rush up...
...and visit her sick aunt
in Nova Scotia.
Wow, I just called Heather
and a woman who sounds just like her...
...answered and said
she found Heather's phone.
-I'm very sorry, sir.
-Don't feel sorry for me.
Feel sorry for Heather.
She's the one stuck up
in Nova Scotia with no phone.
Argh.
These are all evasive maneuvers...
...that you yourself
have used on women.
Sir, Heather's using the technique
that you refer to as...
...the old hump and dump.
[SIGHS]
I think I've been Russelled.
[RUSSELL GROANS]
You know, on some level,
I think I knew...
...but I liked her so much,
I just didn't want to believe it.
-We've all been there, sir.
-Oh, yeah, you got dumped...
...by that four-eyed javelin
from Accounting.
Anyway, you were right.
I guess I owe you--
HEATHER:
Russell?
[HEATHER LAUGHS]
I'm so glad you're here.
-You are?
-Of course.
-Wow, I thought you were going to--
-Nova Scotia. I was.
But I didn't have to
because my sick aunt got better.
-Oh, well, that's great.
-And I wanted to call you...
...but I lost my phone.
I was so upset, so my friend Gordon
took me out for a drink.
Hi.
-His boyfriend's out of town.
-So it's just us girls.
-How did you know to come here?
-Your Facebook page.
Oh, is it okay I said
we were in a relationship?
Is that dress red?
Look, you two don't need me
chaperoning.
Gordon out. As if it wasn't obvious.
[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]
Um, all right, I'll come over
in one second, all right?
[SIGHS]
Wow, I guess it's me
who owes you an apology.
Shh, shh, shh.
Timmy, I just hope one day
you won't be so cynical...
...and you can open your heart
to romance.
[RUSSELL WHISTLING]
Hello.
Oh, my gosh.
These are so beautiful.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[♪♪♪]
Aud.
Aud.
[AUDREY SNORING]
[GASPS]
[THE KINKS' "SLEEPWALKER"
PLAYING]
♪ Everybody got problems, buddy
I got mine ♪
♪ When midnight comes around
I start to lose my mind ♪
♪ When the sun puts out the light
I join the creatures of the night ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm a sleepwalker ♪
♪ I'm a night stalker ♪
♪ I'm a street walker ♪
♪ I'm a night hawker ♪
♪ Everybody got secrets
That they wanna hide ♪
♪ When midnight comes along
I take a look inside ♪
♪ Don't go talkin' in your sleep
I might come in for a peep ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'm a sleepwalker ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
So you slept through the fun run?
Heh, can you believe it?
Right through my alarm.
But I had the weirdest dream
that I did run it.
It was so real.
But not real enough to collect money
from my coworkers.
Well, anyways, the gang
at the office will be bummed.
-They live to give.
-Oh, heh, heh.
Well, tell them not to worry. I wrote
a check to cover all their pledges.
-Did you, now?
-Yeah.
For, uh, all 1500?
Yeah. Just because I overslept,
the charity shouldn't suffer.
I'm gonna go mail this.
You're silently resenting her
right now, aren't you?
I am.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Good morning, Heather.
I have a feeling that every morning
with you will be a good one.
[GRUNTS]
HEATHER:
Russell, sorry I had to sneak out...
...but my National Guard unit
was called into duty this morning.
I can't tell you where I'll be
or when I'll be back...
...but I'll give you a call
when I return.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]