Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 12 - Little Bummer Boy - full transcript

Audrey tries to prove that she's the funny one in her relationship with Jeff at a Christmas party, while Russell tries to have fun at the office Christmas party at Adam and Timmy's expense.

[♪♪♪]

-Hey, do you want the rest of my--
-Okay.

-Actually, I was gonna say eggs.
-Okay.

You know, it's not you versus
your cholesterol pills.

You're supposed
to be working together.

I do love my single life...

...but it would be nice to have someone
who didn't want me to die.

Well, you do,
a whole city full of escorts.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just saying
if you watch the beginning closely...

-...it gives away the ending.
AUDREY: Oh, my God.



-Is he still talking about Inception?
JENNIFER: No.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

They play the song at the beginning
and it gives away the ending.

It'd be like if at the
beginning of The Sixth Sense...

...they had a song that went:

[SINGING]
Bruce Willis helps a kid
Who sees ghosts

But he's the only one
Who's really dead

Anyway, I'm just here
to grab some food and go.

I'm taking a bus to New Jersey.

-To take the family Christmas picture.
ADAM: Hmm.

-Oh, is Adam going?
-No, my mom wants family only.

And I found the perfect sweater
but whatever....

RUSSELL:
Oh, wait.

You're gonna
miss the office Christmas party.



Oh, guess I'll have to wait
to find out if it was a candy cane...

...in your pocket
or you were just happy to see her.

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Spoiler alert, it was both.

-All right, I'll see you.
-Bye.

Oh, I can't wait
to exchange Christmas presents.

I have the best gift for her.

I made her this coupon book
full of little favors...

...you know, like, um, with hugs
and massages and cuddles.

Cuddles. You gotta be kidding me.

Here's a peek into our home life.

Oh, I have the greatest present
for Jen too.

Uh, no, that's a candy cane.

Excuse me.
Could I get some honey for my tea?

-Throat's a little sore.
-Yeah.

Audrey and I went to a Christmas party
last night and as usual...

...she did the lion's share
of the talking.

RUSSELL:
Heh.

That's because all you ever say is, "Nice
to see you" and "where's the bar?"

I really only care
about the second thing.

Anyway, that's why at parties,
I have to carry us as a couple.

Good thing I'm the funny one.

-You're the funny one?
-You knew that.

I don't think anyone knew that.

-Audrey, I think you're funny.
-Thank you.

Remember that time
she wore that gray coat...

...and it was like so ridiculous
with the straps all over it everywhere.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that was hilarious.

And Jeff said she looked
like a Civil War general.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Jackets like that are in.
-In 1863.

"My dearest Annabel...

...the war rages on
but I must thank you for the...

-...fine garments you...
ADAM: Heh.

...procure."

[LAUGHS]

Actually, Audrey
is the butt of those jokes...

-...you would be the butt of the couple.
-Ahem.

Mm-hm.

See, I don't have to resort
to cheap shots and insults.

Like last night,
I got a great reaction...

...when I told that story
about our trip to Oahu.

I think it's pronounced Ohio.

Um, it's in Hawaii.

Heh, jeez. Somebody get her a map.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MAY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How may ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

Timmy, it's gonna
be a very Merry Christmas.

Or whatever creepy
pagan ritual you observe.

What accounts for your anticipation
of said merriment, sir?

I accidentally stumbled upon Adam's
homemade Christmas coupons for Jen.

You mean went into
his office and stole.

Stumbled upon, yes.

Oh, dear me. He's certainly
liberal with the glitter, isn't he?

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Yes, he is. But I figure, why restrict
Adam's generosity to Jen...

...when the joy could
be spread to so many?

I mean, who wouldn't want a backrub
from Adam?

Or who wouldn't want, heh,
a shampooing from Adam?

Hey, who's that
white kid in shipping...

...with the nasty dreads
with the bugs in them?

-That would be Nate.
-Nate. Ah, good old Nate.

What's wrong?

I'm having fun at someone's expense
and it's not yours.

You should be enjoying this.

I suppose I'm still wistful
about my breakup with Allison, sir.

I guess long-distance relationships
are just too difficult--

To listen to. Yeah.

You know what?

I think the office Christmas party
is the perfect thing to cheer you up.

I'm not sure,
I'm in the mood for a party.

Oh, come on, let's put Allison behind
you and some other bimbo under you.

Perhaps it is time for me to move on.

I guess I won't meet anybody new
just sitting at home.

I wanna help you out.

How about I make you
official party greeter?

Oh, I'd be honored, sir.

Yeah. And I'm sorry
about you and Allison.

Would a hug help?

-You know, it just might.
-Oh, here you go, buddy.

[♪♪♪]

Wow, your company really stepped
it up this year.

I'll reserve judgment
until I see the size of the shrimp.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

-Hey, Jeff.
-Oh, hey, nice to see you.

Where's the bar?

[DAN CHUCKLES]

It's right over there.

Audrey, you remember
Dan and his girlfriend Barbara?

-Hi.
-Actually, it's fiancée.

Oh, Dan and his girlfriend fiancée.
That's lovely.

No, her name is Barbara.
We just got engaged.

-Oh, well, that makes sense.
-Congratulations.

-Thank you.
JEFF: Hey, little advice.

On the road to marriage,
don't be afraid to drive drunk.

[ALL LAUGH]

And if you are gonna
follow his roadmap...

...don't get lost because
he's not gonna ask for directions.

[CHUCKLES]

Why would I ask for directions
if, uh, we have a roadmap?

Uh, no, that's why it's funny, heh.

You know, because guys
don't ask for directions.

Dan does.

Okay. But that's unusual, tsk.

Especially now
that everybody's got GPS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

GPS, heh.

That wasn't even a joke.
He was just stating the facts.

Must be the way he said it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

-Uh, what are you doing?
-What do you mean?

Wait, are you trying to prove
that you're the funny one?

No.

Because if you are, I'll run home
and grab that Civil War jacket for you.

They're very in.

[♪♪♪]

Come out, Timmy.

TIMMY:
Mr. Dunbar?

When I agreed to be the party greeter,
I did not agree to this.

Come on, chicks dig
a man in uniform.

Yeah, heh.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, whoa.

Okay, don we now our gay apparel.
I finally get that.

That's your way of encouraging
me to stay in this outfit?

No, my way of encouraging you
to stay in the outfit...

...was throwing your clothes down
the garbage chute.

-Come on, let's hit the par-tay.
-No, sir.

[RUSSELL WHISTLES]

I'm leaving here
with what's left of my dignity.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Heh, heh. Oh, no, he's got little bells
on his shoes.

It's too good, heh.

[BELLS JINGLING]

-I see what you're trying to do.
-Hmm.

You're trying to humiliate me
for your own amusement.

But you know what? I am not going
to give you the satisfaction.

-I'm staying.
-Oh, that'll show me.

I'll show you,
by wearing this ensemble with pride.

I don't know if using the word
"ensemble" is helping your cause.

-Go ahead, sir. Mock away.
-Well, I'm trying. Stop interrupting.

You're going to be the one
who's disappointed when people...

...rally around my costume
and appreciate its holiday spirit--

-Okay.
-Ladies, welcome.

As your official greeter...

...please allow me
to point out that the bar...

...and light hors d'oeuvres
are that way.

Thanks. Hey, which way
to the guys with pants?

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Aw, and they didn't even
hear you walk.

[BELLS JINGLING]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Adam.

Thanks so much for the gift.

Gift. Uh, what gift is that?

One of your special
super-squeeze, hugs.

-Wait a minute. Where'd you get that?
-It was in my Christmas stocking.

Okay, um....

Look, Evelyn, there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding, um....

That coupon wasn't meant for you.

Oh, that's too bad.

I've had kind of a rough week
with the subway incident and all.

I could have really used a hug.

ADAM:
Wait.

I am a man of my word.
Get over here, you.

EVELYN:
Mm.

-Feel better?
-The coupon says two full minutes.

That's why you work in legal.

Oh, hey, there you are.

Wish I could've found you sooner
but you know guys...

...we don't ask for directions, heh.

Shut up.
Stupid Dan and his dumb fiancée.

-How could they not know about that?
-I don't know.

Maybe they're not hip to the stand-up
comedy themes of the '80s.

You know what I should do.

-Try to relax and have fun?
-Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

No, I'm gonna bust out my Hawaii story
and you are gonna set me up.

So start talking
about islands or vacations.

Oh, there's pineapple on the buffet.

I don't need you.

Why has it become such a big deal
all of a sudden...

...for you to be the funny one?

Who said it's a big deal?

Oh, come on. I saw you making
notes on a napkin over there.

Maybe because I'm not working.
I'm self-conscious about that.

Audrey, you don't have to be
self-conscious about anything.

You're charming. You're beautiful.

Oh, that's sweet.

And I know you mean it
because that's the first drink.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

Second?

We've been here like eight minutes.

Time for a refill.

[SIGHS]

And my grandmother had a heart attack
right on Waikiki beach...

...so we had to drop everything
and fly there.

Straight from the airport
to the morgue.

Not exactly a dream trip to Hawaii.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but overhearing.
Did someone just say Hawaii?

[♪♪♪]

You know...

...the last time I saw legs like that they
were curled up under Dorothy's house.

Good one, sir.

Now, if you'll please excuse me,
I have more good cheer to spread.

By letting everyone make fun of you?
Here, I'll help. Check this out.

These days even the North Pole
is outsourcing.

He's Indian. Keep walking.

Ha-ha-ha.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Are we hearing these bells, people?

So originally, the coupons
were for my fiancée...

...then Russell,
who shall remain nameless...

...gave them out.
You know what? I'm rolling with it.

How's the pressure, Vic?

You can go a little deeper.

[♪♪♪]

So day five, still no luggage.
Finally, we go to check out.

What do we see at the bell desk?
Our bags.

Which had been there
the entire time, ha, ha.

I mean, can you imagine
a worse trip to Hawaii?

[LAUGHS]

Hawaii story?

Wish I could say I was surprised.

Okay. There you go, Pearl.

You should get
that bunion checked out.

It's a little angry.

Uh, aren't you forgetting something?

Merry Christmas.

I can't believe
you're actually doing this stuff.

Well, it was a little awkward at first,
but I'm brightening their day...

...which makes my Christmas
even better.

Better? It's supposed to be worse.

Well, I'm sorry,
but your little prank backfired.

Plus, I can still give the coupons to Jen
now that I got them all back, heh, heh.

-Ah, nertz.
-Yep.

Wait a minute. They're not all here.

-Hey, Adam.
-Oh, hey, Scotty.

-I'd like to cash this in.
-Oh.

Oh.

Hey, hey,
how about a little foot rub...

...or maybe
a nice back massage instead?

I want that one.

Okay, Scotty. Let's do this.

[♪♪♪]

-You okay?
-Uh, well...

...I told what I thought was a funny story
and it made a woman cry.

Was it the "asking for directions" thing
because I don't really get it.

But it didn't make me cry.

Ugh, maybe Jeff's right.
He thinks I try too hard at parties.

Look how hard
he's working the buffet.

[BARBARA CHUCKLES]

Oh, God.

Look at the poor guy
stuck behind him.

Get that guy a magazine.
It's gonna be a while, pal.

[BARBARA CHUCKLES]

He looks like a whale
scooping up plankton.

[LAUGHING]

That's hilarious.

-It is?
BARBARA: Heh.

What's so funny?

-Audrey's talking about Jeff.
-He looks like a bear with a tapeworm.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Tapeworm.

[LAUGHING]

AUDREY: Now, check it out.
Now he's stuck behind someone.

Watch him pull the old tap and slide.
Tap and slide.

[BARBARA AND DAN LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[ALL LAUGHING]

So after dinner, there's Jeff passed out
at the table, hands down his pants.

[LAUGHING]

All in all, not a great first Thanksgiving
with my parents.

Oh, here he comes. I bet he asks
the location of a food item.

Hey, Aud, did you see where
the stuffed-mushroom guy went?

[LAUGHING]

It's a gift.

Anyway, it looked like you
were doing great.

I was. Felt pretty good.

And you know,
couldn't have done it without you.

-So you learned from the master.
-Heh, you were definitely my inspiration.

Let's go.

[AUDREY CLEARS THROAT]

[♪♪♪]

All right. Thank you.

You know, I can't believe
they make you wear this getup.

Nobody made me.
I wore this myself.

Why would you do that?

Because it's Christmas
and if you can't have fun...

...and loosen up on Christmas,
when can you?

Ah.

Hey, speaking of loosening up--

I have no interest in hearing
how that sentence ends.

-Come on, can't you let a guy try?
-Sorry, you're not really my type.

-Really? What's your type?
-Someone who embraces the joy...

-...of the holidays.
-Oh.

Someone who gets into the fun
and the spirit of Christmas.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Christmas nertz.

Oh, nothing on the coupon
about that, Scotty.

[♪♪♪]

You know what is not good?

Diner Eggnog

-Really? Let me try it.
-Get your own.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, here it is.

My mom sent me
our family Christmas photo.

Oh, well, wait. I thought
Adam wasn't gonna be in it.

Oh, that's my cousin Cynthia.

Something's going on
with her hormone-wise.

[RUSSELL GROANS]

Oh, what's the matter?

Ghost of Christmas Future
come bearing test results?

Can we skip the pleasantries?

What's your problem?

My problem is I tried to ruin all
my friends' Christmases...

...and they had fun anyway.

What's the matter with you?

You're gonna have to be
more specific.

You're sad because you weren't able
to ruin Christmas for other people.

I am. But maybe you're right.

Maybe that's not what
Christmas is all about.

Maybe, you think
maybe it might not be about that?

Why are you so against
people enjoying Christmas?

Because I never did.

When I was a kid, every December,
my parents went to the Bahamas...

...and left me at home
with my nanny Helga.

Oh, poor Helga.

You're trying to make others feel awful
because misery loves company.

See, Jeff agrees with
and approves of my behavior.

But maybe I should
try to change my holiday spirit.

You should. I wasn't really looking
forward to the holidays this year.

But it looks like it's gonna be
a Merry Christmas after all.

Oh.

RUSSELL:
Oh, my God.

I unscrewed that last night, heh.

It's a Christmas miracle.
God bless us all, every one.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Okay. So I know
it's not Christmas yet...

...but I wanna give you
your present now.

-Oh, it's so cute.
ADAM: Heh.

[GASPS]

-Oh, cuddles.
-Yep.

-Massage.
-Mm-hm.

Breakfast in bed.

Oh, my gosh. And these are
all actually gifts for me.

None of them is really a gift for you.

Well, there is one in there
that's kind of a gift for me.

-I don't see it.
-Huh?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, come on, Scotty.

I'll be right back.

What, you have to talk to that guy?

Talk?

I wish.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]