Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 8 - Free Free Time - full transcript
When Audrey's weekly girls' night out gets cancelled, Jeff seeks out time alone; however, his plans get foiled every step of the way. Meanwhile, Russell discovers that Timmy has a lot of pent up aggression toward him.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Timmy.
Sir, I have
your lunch right here.
Where's my lunch?
It's here, I'm assembling it.
Daddy's tum-tum
needs his sam-sam.
It's coming.
Yeah, sooner.
Lunch. Lunch.
Lunch.
Won't be a minute.
Lunch.
Won't be a second.
On my way.
Blah, blah, blah.
Where is it?
My lunch.
Where is it?
Your lunch, sir.
Timmy?
Hm? Yes?
My sam-sam has a boo-boo.
Oh, does it, now?
And the chips are
much smaller than usual.
Well, on the brighter side,
sir, there are more of them.
Any theories?
Now, that you mention it,
I did notice there was a new
counter man at the deli.
Perhaps he was a little
careless with your sam-sam.
Perhaps.
Hm. Well...
Well, I'll be sure
to give him a "what for".
In the meantime, sir,
try to enjoy your lunch.
RUSSELL:
Timmy!
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[GROANS]
Dude, what did you get
on your blouse?
Oh, soda pop.
I assumed it was dried up mace.
No, mace dries clear.
Something's up with Timmy.
Why do you think that?
Because lately my lunch
has been a little smashy.
Like it's been punched.
Oh, it was a punched sandwich,
like they have in France.
You mean a-a pressed sandwich?
Oh, well, clearly
you're the expert.
Well,
all signs point to Timmy,
but why would he abuse
my food?
Shot in the dark: he hates you.
Um, you're not there every day.
You don't know.
I'm there. He hates you.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
AUDREY:
Oh, gotta go.
Hey, listen, Jeff, for dinner,
I'm gonna defrost that thing
in the back of the freezer.
You know that thing
that was there when we moved in?
Dinner? There's no dinner, it's
Tuesday. It's your girl's night.
Oh, no. No more girl's night.
The group had whittled down
to me and Molly.
And Molly took
that job in Chicago.
I told you this
the other night, before bed.
Right, I clearly stayed awake
for all of that story.
[SIGHS]
Tonight just you
and I'll hang out.
Maybe later we can pull
out the paint samples
and finally solve the puzzle
of our powder room.
Super.
This is a nightmare.
Hm, well, if you need help
I really have
a good eye for color.
I don't give a crap
about the color.
What I want is a girl's night.
Great. I need a credit card
and bring some cash for tipping.
Audrey's girl's night.
It's my one free free night.
Free free night?
Yes, a free night
that I don't have to ask for
because Audrey's
already got plans.
So she's not
letting me do something,
so I don't owe her anything.
Boy, I hear this guy and
I think, I'll never get married.
Ooh, not so loud.
We don't want the women
of New York
all killing themselves.
[CHUCKLING]
Uh, so, what do you do
on your free free night?
Whatever the hell I want.
The point is,
I get to do it alone.
Now you'll never do it again.
Exactly. Which is why
for our powder room,
I'm leaning towards the color
of my blown out brains.
Well, I'm not afraid
to admit that,
you know, when Jen goes
out with her girlfriends,
I miss her.
Wait, Jen has a girl's night?
Yeah.
And he misses her--
Are we gonna skim over
how gay this is?
Just for now. When is it?
Well, actually,
she's having one tonight.
Uh, all right. I gotta go.
I got-- Well, wait.
Yeah. Oh, yeah,
what was the thing?
When Jen's gone he misses her.
Oh, right.
Gay.
[LAUGHING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
I'm coming in.
Wait,
is Audrey not with you?
No, Audrey does not know
that I'm here.
Okay, this is weird.
I heard that you're going out
with your girlfriends tonight.
Not getting less weird.
I need you to do me a favor.
Invite Audrey.
What?
Oh, she used to have
this weekly girl's night,
but the last one
of 'em just moved away
and she's really
broken up about it, so...
Too bad. But this is a group
of friends from college.
Well,
Audrey went to college.
But we went
to the same college.
I'm not sure
she'd be interested.
Oh, well, look, I know some of
her stories can be long-winded,
and they don't
always have a point,
and the work talk
can be pretty punishing.
Interested. I'm not sure
she'd be interested.
What are you kidding?
She's interested as hell.
All right,
what's in this for you?
What are you talking about?
Oh, so you're just doing
something completely unselfish,
just out of love for your wife?
Yep.
Nothing in it for you.
No.
I've got nowhere to be.
Okay,
but she won't know anybody.
She'll know you and booze.
She'll do fine.
All right, sure.
I'll invite her.
Great. Thanks.
And, um, please don't tell
her that I asked?
She has trouble making friends.
Largely 'cause of me.
I get that.
In fact, when I saw you through
the peephole just now,
I almost didn't open the door.
I get that.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Timmy? Can I see you
for a second?
Yes, sir?
Timmy, you happy here?
Enjoying the gig?
Reasonably, sir.
Some days are better
than others.
Hm.
Well, I just happened
to be looking at
some building surveillance tapes
and I'm guessing that, uh,
this wasn't one
of your better days.
Sir, when I sipped
and spit out your iced tea,
I wasn't thinking clearly
because I'd walked around all
day with an apple in my pants.
I was tenderizing the Danish.
Of course, my favorite.
Will that be all, sir?
Couple of bad days
in a row, huh, Timmy?
Okay, I admit it.
I can't take it anymore.
The abuse, the exploitation,
the ritual humiliation.
It's all part of my new program.
My tough love approach
to management.
Tough love, sir?
Sit.
Timmy, I'm like
an army drill sergeant.
You hate me marching
you through the rain,
but when in the jungle, and
Charlie's bringing the heat,
you'll thank me
for everything I taught you.
The point is,
my former assistants have gone
into management,
finance, marketing,
heck, some of them
retired comfortably
off the settlement money alone.
In fact, I just got an invite
from my last assistant, Maynard,
to the launch party
for his latest project.
And what does Maynard do?
He came in here a sniveling
little piece of crap like you.
No offense, tough love.
But after he left he became
a hugely successful
video game designer.
Really?
Would I lie to you?
With only short breaks
for sleeping.
Well, you know what?
Come check it out yourself.
You can pick his brain
to see what he learned.
Uh, well, at this point,
sir, I'll try anything.
One more thing, Timmy.
[PRESSES SWITCH]
Oh, dear God.
Sir, that's not me.
I know, that's me having sex
with the girl
on the third floor.
You're not the only one
who knows how to tenderize
the old Danish.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey. What are you doing?
Oh, I, uh, defrosted that thing
in the freezer
and it started moving.
I figured we'd
just order Chinese.
What do you like?
We have Hunan Garden,
Hunan Palace,
or if you're more
in a Dragon mood
we have Imperial,
and Twin, and--
Oh, my God,
there's Hunan Dragon.
Uh...
This is your night?
Moo shu, sweats and me?
Why not just wear a T-shirt
that says, "I give up"?
Well, I could've gone out with
Jen and her college friends--
What do you mean "could've"?
That sounds like a great time.
I just wasn't in the mood
to meet new people.
Are you kidding me?
You could be getting in
on the ground floor
of a super fun bunch.
What's going on here?
Nothing. I just
want you to have
some great ladies
to hang out with.
That's it?
Yeah.
There's nothing in it for you?
Nope.
I've got nowhere to be.
You win. Here's the truth.
I know how much you used to
look forward to your
girl's night out,
and now that
you don't have it anymore,
well, you seem a little sad.
But I'm not sad.
Oh, come on,
you're dead inside.
Aud, I just want you
to get out there
and have some fun.
Come on.
You know what?
Great. Why not? All right.
You'll be all right by yourself?
I will manage.
Oh, and go easy
on those work stories,
you know, you wanna
get invited back.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Please, God,
be the wrong apartment.
Hey, hon.
How did this happen?
Well, we started at Jen's place
and then everyone wanted
to see our apartment--
I'm sorry, I thought
you'd gone out.
I went out to get some supplies.
Ooh, what'd you get?
Hey. Quit that. Give me that.
[LAUGHING]
Jen just thought it'd be more
fun if we hung out here.
It's such a hassle to go out.
No, out-- Out is fun,
I was just there.
Hey, you guys. We got beer.
You don't have beer.
I've got beer.
Oh, look.
Oh, not my tortilla chips.
They're shaped like tiny bowls
to hold the salsa.
Salsa but no guac? Weak, Jeff.
Hi.
Get out.
What? Why?
Jen was supposed
to take Aud out tonight,
but now they're all
over at my place,
dipping my fancy chips
into my salsa.
Hey,
you are more than welcome
to join me at this party
with Russell.
Oh, thanks, but let's just stick
with you getting out of here.
That way I can still salvage
my free free night.
Where's the booze?
All we have is
watermelon schnapps.
Oh, dear God.
Get some.
What's wrong with your TV?
Well, Jen hooked
it up to the karaoke
and now I can't get
it back to TV.
You let a woman mess with
your electronics. That's smart.
Yeah, and you are sitting
in my apartment
begging me for schnapps
because clearly you know
how to handle the ladies.
Ugh.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
RUSSELL:
Look around, Timmy.
This is all
for my former assistant.
A guy very much like yourself,
except for instead
of video games,
you'll make your mark in
whatever a kid from England--
South Africa.
--grew up dreaming about
while he was helping out in
his dad's fish 'n' chips wagon.
Law firm.
Hey, there he is.
Russell, I'm really
jazzed you could make it.
Yeah, of course you are.
Hey, Timmy, this is my old
assistant, Maynard.
Hello.
I was telling Timmy
when you came from Korea--
Cleveland.
--you were greener than snot.
But after a few years
of my tough love,
now you're a big deal.
Yes, I am.
And I'll tell you,
you did inspire me.
Are you saying that working
for Mr. Dunbar
was a good thing?
I can honestly say
that tonight
wouldn't have been possible
without him.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I can't take
all the credit.
Okay,
I'll take all the credit.
Hey, listen,
can you point out
which of these ladies
are paid for?
Uh, I should mingle.
Oh.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Still American.
Did you hear that?
"Owes it all to me."
That's not exactly
what he said.
Well, he kind of did.
I take your point, sir,
but I'm still not sure
how working for you could
be a stepping stone to--
Boobs ahoy, starboard side.
Whoa, this is great, huh?
I can't believe I'm blowing
my free free night
in a room full of guys
who pop a rod
every time they see a robot.
I agree, man,
bot heads are dorks.
I'm more of a gamer.
Really? Tell me less.
Yo, now that these programmers
have gotten used
to the new platforms,
we're living in
a golden age of video games.
I would like
to be alone with the bar.
Super Martini-o Brothers?
Pong Collins?
What are these?
Theme drinks.
How about a bourbon
straight-up?
You mean
a Pac-Manhattan?
How about a bourbon?
Hold the nerd.
Could I get a water, please?
Water's not gonna
get you through this.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm good. It's my party.
Oh, you must be Maynard.
Jeff Bingham.
I'm sticking to water tonight.
Lot of socializing to do.
I've got a suite upstairs I
probably won't see till sunrise.
Really?
Here's your water.
So, uh, you into video--? Games?
I lost my room key. Could I get
another, please?
No problem, sir. Name?
Maynard.
And your last name?
That matters?
It's Chang. Why?
Excuse me, I need
another room key.
My name is Chang.
Maynard Chang.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Sir, I think I'm going to leave.
What? Why?
None of this is making me
feel better
about being in your employ.
You know what'll
make you feel better?
Throw down a couple of these
Donkey Kongs-mopolitans.
I just don't see how
Maynard's success
had anything to do
with working for you.
Oh, well, if it wasn't me
then what was it?
Oh, his Ivy League education?
His strong work ethic?
His ability to read
and capitalize
on prevailing market trends?
That's a reach.
[SPEAKERS RUMBLE]
Quiet, someone who appreciates
me is about to talk.
MAYNARD:
Thanks, everybody.
Um, I'm thrilled so many fans
could make it here tonight.
But you're not here to see me,
you're here to see my new game!
[CHEERING]
What a bunch of palm jockeys.
Here we go!
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
In a world of demons,
dragons, and ogres,
there is one creature
more evil than all the rest.
MAN:
Show yourself, foul beast.
GNOME:
Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
MAN:
You thinketh me a coward?
You kind of are.
[GNOME YELLS]
ANNOUNCER:
Smash gnome.
[CROWD CHEERING]
TIMMY:
Oh, my gosh.
It's you.
What's me?
Heh-heh, missed me.
Loser.
I'm not seeing it.
Sayonara, suck wads!
Ha, classic. Heh-heh.
GNOME:
Heh-heh.
Looks like Maynard has even
more pent-up aggression
toward you than I do.
I can't believe this.
Neither can I.
This is more inspirational than
I could ever have hoped for.
You're the gnome.
No.
The gnome.
MAN:
Hey, everyone, look.
The gnome's here.
No. No.
ALL [CHANTING]:
Gnome! Gnome! Gnome!
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Hey.
Hey.
What--?
What are you doing in my room?
Don't worry, I'm Maynard, um...
What's his name?
No, I am.
Yeah, and you said you weren't
gonna be back until sunrise.
I'm gonna call security.
Oh, don't bother, I'm leaving.
And save yourself 12 bucks
on pay-per-view.
Genital Hospital,
not gonna get you there.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Wow.
So you really broke
into this guy's hotel room
and stayed there
till 3 in the morning?
Yeah. 3:30.
Just so you could be alone?
Yeah.
Why didn't you just tell me you
wanted some alone time?
Well, that would've
been free time,
but not free free time.
Uh, boy.
And why is that?
Because then I'd owe you.
And sometime in the future,
maybe 30 years from now, you'll
say to me,
"Remember that time I gave you
a night to yourself?"
More likely 30 years
from now I'll say to you,
"Wow, you look a lot like
my first husband."
Look, you know, Aud,
we've been together constantly
for all these years.
Aren't you thrilled when you get
some time to yourself?
Absolutely not.
I cherish every moment
that we spend together.
I think those are the most
special times--
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You almost had me there.
[LAUGHING]
I know, I couldn't land it.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Timmy! What's taking so long?
Lunch, lunch.
One moment, sir.
GNOME:
Heh-heh.
[GNOME SCREAMING]
[EXHALES]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Timmy.
Sir, I have
your lunch right here.
Where's my lunch?
It's here, I'm assembling it.
Daddy's tum-tum
needs his sam-sam.
It's coming.
Yeah, sooner.
Lunch. Lunch.
Lunch.
Won't be a minute.
Lunch.
Won't be a second.
On my way.
Blah, blah, blah.
Where is it?
My lunch.
Where is it?
Your lunch, sir.
Timmy?
Hm? Yes?
My sam-sam has a boo-boo.
Oh, does it, now?
And the chips are
much smaller than usual.
Well, on the brighter side,
sir, there are more of them.
Any theories?
Now, that you mention it,
I did notice there was a new
counter man at the deli.
Perhaps he was a little
careless with your sam-sam.
Perhaps.
Hm. Well...
Well, I'll be sure
to give him a "what for".
In the meantime, sir,
try to enjoy your lunch.
RUSSELL:
Timmy!
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[GROANS]
Dude, what did you get
on your blouse?
Oh, soda pop.
I assumed it was dried up mace.
No, mace dries clear.
Something's up with Timmy.
Why do you think that?
Because lately my lunch
has been a little smashy.
Like it's been punched.
Oh, it was a punched sandwich,
like they have in France.
You mean a-a pressed sandwich?
Oh, well, clearly
you're the expert.
Well,
all signs point to Timmy,
but why would he abuse
my food?
Shot in the dark: he hates you.
Um, you're not there every day.
You don't know.
I'm there. He hates you.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
AUDREY:
Oh, gotta go.
Hey, listen, Jeff, for dinner,
I'm gonna defrost that thing
in the back of the freezer.
You know that thing
that was there when we moved in?
Dinner? There's no dinner, it's
Tuesday. It's your girl's night.
Oh, no. No more girl's night.
The group had whittled down
to me and Molly.
And Molly took
that job in Chicago.
I told you this
the other night, before bed.
Right, I clearly stayed awake
for all of that story.
[SIGHS]
Tonight just you
and I'll hang out.
Maybe later we can pull
out the paint samples
and finally solve the puzzle
of our powder room.
Super.
This is a nightmare.
Hm, well, if you need help
I really have
a good eye for color.
I don't give a crap
about the color.
What I want is a girl's night.
Great. I need a credit card
and bring some cash for tipping.
Audrey's girl's night.
It's my one free free night.
Free free night?
Yes, a free night
that I don't have to ask for
because Audrey's
already got plans.
So she's not
letting me do something,
so I don't owe her anything.
Boy, I hear this guy and
I think, I'll never get married.
Ooh, not so loud.
We don't want the women
of New York
all killing themselves.
[CHUCKLING]
Uh, so, what do you do
on your free free night?
Whatever the hell I want.
The point is,
I get to do it alone.
Now you'll never do it again.
Exactly. Which is why
for our powder room,
I'm leaning towards the color
of my blown out brains.
Well, I'm not afraid
to admit that,
you know, when Jen goes
out with her girlfriends,
I miss her.
Wait, Jen has a girl's night?
Yeah.
And he misses her--
Are we gonna skim over
how gay this is?
Just for now. When is it?
Well, actually,
she's having one tonight.
Uh, all right. I gotta go.
I got-- Well, wait.
Yeah. Oh, yeah,
what was the thing?
When Jen's gone he misses her.
Oh, right.
Gay.
[LAUGHING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
I'm coming in.
Wait,
is Audrey not with you?
No, Audrey does not know
that I'm here.
Okay, this is weird.
I heard that you're going out
with your girlfriends tonight.
Not getting less weird.
I need you to do me a favor.
Invite Audrey.
What?
Oh, she used to have
this weekly girl's night,
but the last one
of 'em just moved away
and she's really
broken up about it, so...
Too bad. But this is a group
of friends from college.
Well,
Audrey went to college.
But we went
to the same college.
I'm not sure
she'd be interested.
Oh, well, look, I know some of
her stories can be long-winded,
and they don't
always have a point,
and the work talk
can be pretty punishing.
Interested. I'm not sure
she'd be interested.
What are you kidding?
She's interested as hell.
All right,
what's in this for you?
What are you talking about?
Oh, so you're just doing
something completely unselfish,
just out of love for your wife?
Yep.
Nothing in it for you.
No.
I've got nowhere to be.
Okay,
but she won't know anybody.
She'll know you and booze.
She'll do fine.
All right, sure.
I'll invite her.
Great. Thanks.
And, um, please don't tell
her that I asked?
She has trouble making friends.
Largely 'cause of me.
I get that.
In fact, when I saw you through
the peephole just now,
I almost didn't open the door.
I get that.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Timmy? Can I see you
for a second?
Yes, sir?
Timmy, you happy here?
Enjoying the gig?
Reasonably, sir.
Some days are better
than others.
Hm.
Well, I just happened
to be looking at
some building surveillance tapes
and I'm guessing that, uh,
this wasn't one
of your better days.
Sir, when I sipped
and spit out your iced tea,
I wasn't thinking clearly
because I'd walked around all
day with an apple in my pants.
I was tenderizing the Danish.
Of course, my favorite.
Will that be all, sir?
Couple of bad days
in a row, huh, Timmy?
Okay, I admit it.
I can't take it anymore.
The abuse, the exploitation,
the ritual humiliation.
It's all part of my new program.
My tough love approach
to management.
Tough love, sir?
Sit.
Timmy, I'm like
an army drill sergeant.
You hate me marching
you through the rain,
but when in the jungle, and
Charlie's bringing the heat,
you'll thank me
for everything I taught you.
The point is,
my former assistants have gone
into management,
finance, marketing,
heck, some of them
retired comfortably
off the settlement money alone.
In fact, I just got an invite
from my last assistant, Maynard,
to the launch party
for his latest project.
And what does Maynard do?
He came in here a sniveling
little piece of crap like you.
No offense, tough love.
But after he left he became
a hugely successful
video game designer.
Really?
Would I lie to you?
With only short breaks
for sleeping.
Well, you know what?
Come check it out yourself.
You can pick his brain
to see what he learned.
Uh, well, at this point,
sir, I'll try anything.
One more thing, Timmy.
[PRESSES SWITCH]
Oh, dear God.
Sir, that's not me.
I know, that's me having sex
with the girl
on the third floor.
You're not the only one
who knows how to tenderize
the old Danish.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey. What are you doing?
Oh, I, uh, defrosted that thing
in the freezer
and it started moving.
I figured we'd
just order Chinese.
What do you like?
We have Hunan Garden,
Hunan Palace,
or if you're more
in a Dragon mood
we have Imperial,
and Twin, and--
Oh, my God,
there's Hunan Dragon.
Uh...
This is your night?
Moo shu, sweats and me?
Why not just wear a T-shirt
that says, "I give up"?
Well, I could've gone out with
Jen and her college friends--
What do you mean "could've"?
That sounds like a great time.
I just wasn't in the mood
to meet new people.
Are you kidding me?
You could be getting in
on the ground floor
of a super fun bunch.
What's going on here?
Nothing. I just
want you to have
some great ladies
to hang out with.
That's it?
Yeah.
There's nothing in it for you?
Nope.
I've got nowhere to be.
You win. Here's the truth.
I know how much you used to
look forward to your
girl's night out,
and now that
you don't have it anymore,
well, you seem a little sad.
But I'm not sad.
Oh, come on,
you're dead inside.
Aud, I just want you
to get out there
and have some fun.
Come on.
You know what?
Great. Why not? All right.
You'll be all right by yourself?
I will manage.
Oh, and go easy
on those work stories,
you know, you wanna
get invited back.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Please, God,
be the wrong apartment.
Hey, hon.
How did this happen?
Well, we started at Jen's place
and then everyone wanted
to see our apartment--
I'm sorry, I thought
you'd gone out.
I went out to get some supplies.
Ooh, what'd you get?
Hey. Quit that. Give me that.
[LAUGHING]
Jen just thought it'd be more
fun if we hung out here.
It's such a hassle to go out.
No, out-- Out is fun,
I was just there.
Hey, you guys. We got beer.
You don't have beer.
I've got beer.
Oh, look.
Oh, not my tortilla chips.
They're shaped like tiny bowls
to hold the salsa.
Salsa but no guac? Weak, Jeff.
Hi.
Get out.
What? Why?
Jen was supposed
to take Aud out tonight,
but now they're all
over at my place,
dipping my fancy chips
into my salsa.
Hey,
you are more than welcome
to join me at this party
with Russell.
Oh, thanks, but let's just stick
with you getting out of here.
That way I can still salvage
my free free night.
Where's the booze?
All we have is
watermelon schnapps.
Oh, dear God.
Get some.
What's wrong with your TV?
Well, Jen hooked
it up to the karaoke
and now I can't get
it back to TV.
You let a woman mess with
your electronics. That's smart.
Yeah, and you are sitting
in my apartment
begging me for schnapps
because clearly you know
how to handle the ladies.
Ugh.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
RUSSELL:
Look around, Timmy.
This is all
for my former assistant.
A guy very much like yourself,
except for instead
of video games,
you'll make your mark in
whatever a kid from England--
South Africa.
--grew up dreaming about
while he was helping out in
his dad's fish 'n' chips wagon.
Law firm.
Hey, there he is.
Russell, I'm really
jazzed you could make it.
Yeah, of course you are.
Hey, Timmy, this is my old
assistant, Maynard.
Hello.
I was telling Timmy
when you came from Korea--
Cleveland.
--you were greener than snot.
But after a few years
of my tough love,
now you're a big deal.
Yes, I am.
And I'll tell you,
you did inspire me.
Are you saying that working
for Mr. Dunbar
was a good thing?
I can honestly say
that tonight
wouldn't have been possible
without him.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I can't take
all the credit.
Okay,
I'll take all the credit.
Hey, listen,
can you point out
which of these ladies
are paid for?
Uh, I should mingle.
Oh.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Still American.
Did you hear that?
"Owes it all to me."
That's not exactly
what he said.
Well, he kind of did.
I take your point, sir,
but I'm still not sure
how working for you could
be a stepping stone to--
Boobs ahoy, starboard side.
Whoa, this is great, huh?
I can't believe I'm blowing
my free free night
in a room full of guys
who pop a rod
every time they see a robot.
I agree, man,
bot heads are dorks.
I'm more of a gamer.
Really? Tell me less.
Yo, now that these programmers
have gotten used
to the new platforms,
we're living in
a golden age of video games.
I would like
to be alone with the bar.
Super Martini-o Brothers?
Pong Collins?
What are these?
Theme drinks.
How about a bourbon
straight-up?
You mean
a Pac-Manhattan?
How about a bourbon?
Hold the nerd.
Could I get a water, please?
Water's not gonna
get you through this.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm good. It's my party.
Oh, you must be Maynard.
Jeff Bingham.
I'm sticking to water tonight.
Lot of socializing to do.
I've got a suite upstairs I
probably won't see till sunrise.
Really?
Here's your water.
So, uh, you into video--? Games?
I lost my room key. Could I get
another, please?
No problem, sir. Name?
Maynard.
And your last name?
That matters?
It's Chang. Why?
Excuse me, I need
another room key.
My name is Chang.
Maynard Chang.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Sir, I think I'm going to leave.
What? Why?
None of this is making me
feel better
about being in your employ.
You know what'll
make you feel better?
Throw down a couple of these
Donkey Kongs-mopolitans.
I just don't see how
Maynard's success
had anything to do
with working for you.
Oh, well, if it wasn't me
then what was it?
Oh, his Ivy League education?
His strong work ethic?
His ability to read
and capitalize
on prevailing market trends?
That's a reach.
[SPEAKERS RUMBLE]
Quiet, someone who appreciates
me is about to talk.
MAYNARD:
Thanks, everybody.
Um, I'm thrilled so many fans
could make it here tonight.
But you're not here to see me,
you're here to see my new game!
[CHEERING]
What a bunch of palm jockeys.
Here we go!
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
In a world of demons,
dragons, and ogres,
there is one creature
more evil than all the rest.
MAN:
Show yourself, foul beast.
GNOME:
Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
MAN:
You thinketh me a coward?
You kind of are.
[GNOME YELLS]
ANNOUNCER:
Smash gnome.
[CROWD CHEERING]
TIMMY:
Oh, my gosh.
It's you.
What's me?
Heh-heh, missed me.
Loser.
I'm not seeing it.
Sayonara, suck wads!
Ha, classic. Heh-heh.
GNOME:
Heh-heh.
Looks like Maynard has even
more pent-up aggression
toward you than I do.
I can't believe this.
Neither can I.
This is more inspirational than
I could ever have hoped for.
You're the gnome.
No.
The gnome.
MAN:
Hey, everyone, look.
The gnome's here.
No. No.
ALL [CHANTING]:
Gnome! Gnome! Gnome!
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Hey.
Hey.
What--?
What are you doing in my room?
Don't worry, I'm Maynard, um...
What's his name?
No, I am.
Yeah, and you said you weren't
gonna be back until sunrise.
I'm gonna call security.
Oh, don't bother, I'm leaving.
And save yourself 12 bucks
on pay-per-view.
Genital Hospital,
not gonna get you there.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Wow.
So you really broke
into this guy's hotel room
and stayed there
till 3 in the morning?
Yeah. 3:30.
Just so you could be alone?
Yeah.
Why didn't you just tell me you
wanted some alone time?
Well, that would've
been free time,
but not free free time.
Uh, boy.
And why is that?
Because then I'd owe you.
And sometime in the future,
maybe 30 years from now, you'll
say to me,
"Remember that time I gave you
a night to yourself?"
More likely 30 years
from now I'll say to you,
"Wow, you look a lot like
my first husband."
Look, you know, Aud,
we've been together constantly
for all these years.
Aren't you thrilled when you get
some time to yourself?
Absolutely not.
I cherish every moment
that we spend together.
I think those are the most
special times--
[BOTH LAUGHING]
You almost had me there.
[LAUGHING]
I know, I couldn't land it.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Timmy! What's taking so long?
Lunch, lunch.
One moment, sir.
GNOME:
Heh-heh.
[GNOME SCREAMING]
[EXHALES]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]