Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 7 - Indian Giver - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Once again, to vote
for Lacey and Justin,

call or text 1-800-555-0199.

We'll be right back
with more of

Dance America,Dance
after this.

Oh, damn, it's busy.
Keep trying, keep trying.

Lacey needs our votes.

This is so fun.

I can't watch TV
with Adam,

he never stops talking.
It's so annoying.

Oh, God, yes, jus--



Shh, it's back on.

Audrey, what's with the phones?

Been calling and everything
goes to voicemail.

Our dance show's on,
we were calling in our votes.

So you gotta
tie up all the lines?

Shh!

Hey, did I just get
shushed in my own home?

Why don't you sit down and
watch with us? You'd like it.

I don't know.
Not really my kind of dancing.

What is your kind of dancing?
In an end zone.

On a pole.

In a lap.

Ooh, they're lining
up the finalists.

Hopefully to shoot them.



Look, there's Lacey.

AUDREY:
She's our favorite.
Isn't she great?

All right, so you know that
TV show Dance America, Dance?

What, are you--? Are you
kidding me? I love that show.

You are so gay.

Anyways, I was watching
it last night--

Why am I gay
for watching it and you're not?

Who's telling this story?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff.

Anyways, there's this really hot
contestant, Lacey...

Oh, I know Lacey.

Her tango was magical.

That's why you're gay

and I'm not.

Well, right before
I met Audrey, I dated her.

Really? You dated her?

Oh, yeah. I--

I dated the crap out of her.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you took her
out on a lot of dates.

Sometimes I wish I'd made
more of an effort

to cultivate friends.

I had sex with her.

With Lacey?
That's unbelievable.

Did you-- Did you tell Audrey?

Right after I showed her how
to check my Internet history.

[RUSSELL MUMBLES]
Wow.

You look terrible.

Yeah, what's up
Leaving Las Vegas?

Not in the mood.

Hey, Russell.

You know what you want?

A beautiful young
woman named Suneetha

who's engaged to my assistant.

I take four buses to get here.

Can you just order?

Uh, just water.

Water.
Can't wait for that tip.

It's pathetic. I'm still
hung up on Suneetha.

I just have to do
the mature thing, I think.

What's that?

I'm gonna fire his ass.

Then I'll never have
to see her again.

I mean, you can't just fire him
for marrying Suneetha.

He'll sue you and take the tiny
shirt off your little back.

RUSSELL:
Yeah, that's true.

I'm not big.

So I'm right back where
I started. They'll get married,

she'll be hanging around.
What am I gonna do?

I know this is difficult,

but I have something
that might help.

All right.

You ever see that show
Dance America, Dance?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Just give it some time.

I mean, Timmy works here,
not Suneetha.

Not like she's gonna
be hanging out in the office.

Yeah.

She's hanging out
in the office.

Hello.

Hello, sir. Mr. Rhodes.

Suneetha just brought
over my wedding clothes

for me to try on.

It's sort of Bollywood
meets Shiva,

Hindu god of destruction.

It'll look great once
he grows four more arms.

TIMMY:
Suneetha.

Oh, Russell knows
I'm joking, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Good one.

Bye-bye, darling.
Goodbye.

Mr. Rhodes.

Russell.

[GRUNTS]

See, that wasn't so bad--

Shut up. Timmy hit the bricks,

pack your stuff, you're fi--

I don't wanna get married.

What?
I don't wanna get married.

It's not Suneetha,
she's lovely. A lovely girl,

but we just met, and I can't
marry someone I don't know.

Okay. Okay. It's okay.

These are pre-wedding jitters,
everybody gets them.

You'll be happy
once you're married.

What are you doing?

I should never have consented
to an arranged marriage,

and now I--
I feel it's too late

for me to back out,
but I'm too young,

I've hardly even dated anyone.
You know?

What should I do?

Okay, look, I-I don't know
if this will help,

but have you seen that show,

Dance America, Dance?

Timmy, we can't do this for you.

This is a decision
you have to make.

I could break it off,
but the repercussions.

Well, better a broken engagement
than a broken marriage.

That's what I've been thinking.

Okay.
But I've just been so afraid--

Too afraid
to say it out loud.

Thank you for your counsel, sir.

Listen,
I'm not gonna stand here

and watch my best friend make
a life-altering mistake.

He's your best friend?

I really do feel as though
a great weight has been lifted.

Okay.

I guess I'll just go update my
Facebook page.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Fantastic performance, Lacey.

Huh, who knew you could get
your legs that high.

[LAUGHING]

This is so cute.

You are totally into it.

You have no idea.

Please move.

Oh, that's Lacey. Isn't she the
best?

Top three.

Did you love what she did?

No complaints.

I am so glad we finally found
something we can enjoy together.

You, me, Lacey,

together, that's fantastic.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So it should take me,
like, what,

20 minutes to get to
the dentist tomorrow?

Shh.
Yeah.

No, yeah, I should
probably leave around 9:30.

Hey, can you take
my blue shirt to the cleaners?

I spilled
my snow cone on it.

I'm so lame.

Honey, what is this
on the back of my neck?

Is this a skin tag or--

Oh, my God, I'm trying
to watch this.

Sorry.

This is exactly why
I can't watch TV with you,

because you won't stop running
your word hole.

Okay, I said I was sorry.

Mean.

This is all Audrey's fault.

If she didn't get
Jeff into the show,

his fat ass wouldn't be parked
in my chair

and I wouldn't be stuck here
with Chitty Chatty Blah Blah.

So mean.

And for your information,

Jeff's not watching it
'cause he's into the show.

What?
Never mind.

No, if he doesn't like it,
then why would he watch?

Oh, look who suddenly wants
me to run my word hole.

All right, I'm sorry I was mean.

Okay,
but you can't tell anyone.

So before Jeff...

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

Hey, Audrey.

Hey.
Hey.

Oh, hey, Jen,
I meant to call you.

Did you watch the results
show last night?

Yeah,
but it wasn't easy,

thanks to Captain Gum Flap
and his war on silence.

That's the meanest.

I am so psyched
Lacey made it through.

So was Jeff,
he's totally behind her.

[SNICKERS]

I'm not sure
she can win,

but Jeff thinks
she's got it in her.

All right, what's going on?

What do you mean?

First the nudge, then the second
nudge, then the look.

I don't know what you're--
I've been married 14 years,

I know nudges and looks
when I see 'em.

Adam?

Well, I-- I-I...

Well, don't give me the look
again, she's onto it.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh.

Well, look who's
all fresh and peppy.

[GROANS]

Is that baby powder?

I have a skin condition.

What, diaper rash?

Ah, pretty and funny.

I can't believe you haven't
snared a husband by now.

So now that Timmy's
let go of Suneetha,

you haven't you pounced
on her yet?

Um, show some respect. He just
broke up with her last night,

I haven't talked
to the guy yet.

So wait a minute. You're acting
like a decent guy here?

Yeah, I am. And here's how
it's gonna go down:

Timmy comes in,
and it's hug, hug, hug,

"how'd it go?," sad, sad, sad,

then I wait till around lunch,

and then: pounce, pounce,
pounce.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Timmy.

Morning, sir.

Aw, come here.

[SIGHS]
How'd it go?

I didn't tell her.

What? Why not,
you little freak?

I beg your pardon, sir?

I mean, what happened,
little buddy? Talk to me.

I just froze.

I mean, I don't want
to get married,

but I've never broken
up with anyone before.

I'm not sure I can do this.
Y-You can.

It's easy, you do it fast,

like ripping off a Band-Aid.

It's really not that easy.

It is easy.
Let's-- Let's act it out.

I'll be Suneetha,
you break up with me.

Sir, I don't think--
Just pretend. Pretend. Come on.

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right.

Suneetha.

Gosh, you smell
like baby powder.

I, um, just wanted to say--

If-- A conversation that I was
hoping to have-- I mean--

Yes, let's say she has to be
somewhere this century.

All right, go.

I told you,
I'm really no good at this.

All right, forget it. You know
what?

I'll be you
and you be Suneetha, okay?

Fine.
Okay, here we go.

Suneetha--
Hold on.

Ugh, what?

Timmy, is she from northern
or southern India?

She's from Mumbai.

Hm.

Okay, good.

Is that good? You got it figured
out now? Is everything okay?

Hm. Yes, go.

All right.

Suneetha, I've been searching--

[SOBBING]

What are you doing?
Oh.

She's crying. Oh, dear.
She knows what's coming.

She doesn't know
what's coming.

You don't know
what's coming.

How do I not know?
It's all over your face.

You just sit there
and get dumped. Don't be crazy.

Fine, I won't even react.

Even though my whole world
is crashing down.

Suneetha, I'm so sorry,
I didn't mean it.

We'll make it work.

Oh, Timmy.

No, no, no.

Timmy, stand there.

Sit down. Please.

It's not that complicated.

All right.

Suneetha,

you are an extraordinary girl,

but I can't marry you.

I've searched my heart,
and it's-- It's not meant to be.

I wish you no pain.

I wish you love and happiness.

Goodbye, sweet Suneetha.

Oh, sir, you've outdone
yourself. That was beautiful.

Yes.

Now, go tell her
and you call me after, okay?

You call me right after.

You call me immediately after.

I will do.
And thank you, sir.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Was that so hard?

No, because I've been cheating
on you for a month.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, hey. What's shakin'?

Hm, not much.

Tough break for dance fans.

What do you mean?
It was just on the news.

Lacey got kicked off the show.
What? Why?

Apparently, she was bangin'
all the producers.

Wow.

Yep, according to the news
she's a giant slut.

Really? That's what they're
reporting on the news.

Adam blabbed, huh?

You just let me sit there,

rooting for her like an idiot,

while you were only
watching the show

because you slept with her?
That sounds like a question,

but I feel that
you already know the answer.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Oh, how would that have gone?
"Hey, you see Lacey? I did her.

Up high."

Come on, you love that show,

I didn't wanna
spoil it for you.

And possibly
cost Lacey your vote.

Oh,
you think I'm that petty?

You know I do.

I mean, if she wins this,

it could be the best thing
that ever happened to her.

Second best.

[LAUGHING]

See?

You're not enjoying this.

Oh, shut up.

It wouldn't have bothered
me at all.

Oh, come on.

Jeff, we have
been married 14 years,

we both have pasts.

It's just not a big deal.

Well, I know, it's just that...

Well, you know...

What?

None of yours are famous.

[LAUGHING]

Famous?

Oh, please,
she's a dancing chimp

whose 15 minutes
are just about up.

Oh, I knew you'd turn on her.
[AUDREY SCOFFS]

Besides, it's not like
I haven't dated

someone well-known.

Not this again, Audrey,

I wouldn't call the guy who grew
the largest pumpkin

in Lancaster County
"well-known."

It wasn't just Lancaster, it was
the whole tri-county area,

and that's not
who I'm talking about.

I dated somebody more famous.

Really? More famous
than Punkin' Pete?

It just so happens
my first year of college

I had quite the little fling
with Jerry Waldman.

Who's Jerry Waldman?

Oh, just a brilliant
law student

who would eventually go on
to become... Here we go...

The Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court of the State of New York.

Really? You, uh-- You dated him?
Yep.

The Honorable Jerome Waldman.

Ha, he's bald.

Mine's hot and yours
is a chrome dome.

He is the youngest Supreme Court
Justice in history.

A genius at constitutional law.

Because he was studying

while everyone else
was combing their hair.

He had a thick head
of hair when I dated him.

It's too bad things
didn't work out

because you could've been
Mrs. Audrey Baldman.

It's Waldman.

Not anymore.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

RUSSELL:
Hey, Timmy.

Hello, sir.
I was worried sick about you.

So did you do it?
I did.

And it actually went quite well.
It turns out she felt

much the same way I did
and was also relieved.

Great. Okay, to recap
and be totally clear:

You're totally broken up,

all ties cut, no regrets,

and you have no feelings
for her whatsoever.

Well, I don't know if--
Yes or no?

Yes.

Suneetha and I are un-engaged.
Hm.

And we were even able
to remain friends.

And I have you to thank, sir.

I wish there was
some way I could repay you.

Well, there might be.

Oh, really? How?

Oh, I don't know,
maybe give me her number?

Her phone number?

Hm.

Why?

[TIMMY LAUGHING]

You told him, huh?

What's so funny?

What I feel for Suneetha--

Oh, you feel, do you, sir?
That's a good one!

Do you seriously believe
she would go from a young,

taut-skinned, reasonably
attractive man of her same caste

with a great head
of jet-black hair to--

Well,
the opposite of all that?

Wow. That is really mean.

Spend a day at my house,
I'll show you mean.

I don't care what you say.
I've never felt this way before.

I do hope
she can hear your voice

from the splat of her vomit
hitting the sidewalk.

So mean.

Now, if your mind
is really made up,

I suggest you get a move on.
She's going back to India.

She'll be leaving
from the airport soon.

What?
Why didn't you tell me?

Come on. How do I look?

Like Martina Navratilova.

Yeah?

She's a handsome woman.
I'll take it.

See ya.

Well, this is a new low,
even for him.

What is?

To pretend he had
my interests at heart.

But it was all just
a facade to get rid of me

so he could make
a move on Suneetha.

Uh, listen, Timmy,

Russell's not always
a great guy.

[SIGHS]
But I gotta defend him here.

He's been in love with Suneetha
since he first laid eyes on her.

I'm sorry, what?

It's true.

But he didn't do anything
out of respect for you.

He waited
till you broke up

and made sure
it was your decision.

I can't quite believe it. Um--

Oh, perhaps I was wrong
about him.

Mm-hm. Well, maybe you should've
paid a little more attention.

Glad I'm not your best friend.

I mean, unless you want
me to be.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Suneetha, wait.

You got time, buddy,
this is gonna take a while.

Russell,
what are you doing here?

I-- I just--
I wanted to tell you that...

God, this is harder
than I thought.

That's what she said.

I got that from you.
It makes me laugh every time.

Yeah, well, that's solid, it's
one of the classics.

We have so much in common.

We like the same jokes.

Uh, you're smart and beautiful,
and I'm smart and...

Do you know who
Martina Navratilova is?

Yes. She's a handsome woman.

Thank you.

Listen,
I know this is crazy,

and it's sudden,
but I actually--

Me too, Russell.

What?

Since that first day
at the airport,

I've had these
feelings for you as well.

You have? Really?

I tried to hide them,
I didn't want Timmy to know.

Well, Timmy knows.
I just told him.

It's on the up and up now,
there's nothing to hide.

You can take that trunk out.
You gotta be kidding me.

Russell, as much as
I'd love to stay

and see where this goes,
I can't.

I must return to Mumbai.

No.

But we'll always
have this moment.

This perfect moment
will just belong to us.

Goodbye, Russell.

Goodbye, sweet Suneetha.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Yes, how'd it go?

Really?

And then what?

Then I kissed him goodbye
and got in the cab.

Thank you so much for doing
that for me, Suneetha.

That was very sweet
and most generous of you.

I was happy to do it.

You know, uh, I wonder if we may
have acted a bit hastily

in calling off our engagement.

Suneetha?

Oh, I'm sorry, I was just
thinking about Russell.

He is very sweet

andkind of sexy in a--

Safe travels, goodbye.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

MAN [ON TV]:
And in news from Albany,

today New York State Supreme
Court Justice Jerry Waldman

made a dramatic announcement:

WALDMAN:
In the interests
of living my life

from here forward in an honest
and truthful way,

I would like to say
on the record

that I am gay.

I am a gay American.

JEFF:
Oh, my God!

Audrey! Get in here!

Baldman's gay!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]