Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 6 - Third Wheel - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

Timmy, I got a little invite

to a shindig
in the Hamptons tomorrow.

Be ready to leave at noon.

And don't wear that jacket that
makes you look like a terrorist.

Both personally hurtful
and politically incorrect, sir.

Well done.

However, I can't make it.

Uh, why?

I'm doing volunteer work
tomorrow.



Oh, you gotta make up for
a little

drinky-drinky, swervy-swervy?

No.

Oh, did you proposition
an undercover cop?

No.

Oh, it wasn't a cop?
How was she?

There was no prostitute.

I'm volunteering
for an organization

that revitalizes empty lots
and turns them into parks.

I've even been successful
in signing up

a few recruits from the office,
sir.

Okay, now I get
why you're doing this.

Trying to dip your pen
in the company sluts.

What started as a metaphor
ended in tragedy.



Wait a second.
This one's married.

This one's a lesbian.

This one's quick with the mace.

All right, fess up,
what's in it for you?

I don't follow, sir.

Anyone who does any work
with a charity has an angle.

My mom did it to get into
the right parties.

My dad did it to look
like a big man,

even though all he did
was write a check.

My Uncle Glen did it until Child
Services shut down his camp.

Um...

Well, I only volunteer because
it makes me feel good, sir.

Oh, is that the way
you wanna play it?

Tell you what.

I'm gonna find out
why you're really doing this.

Super use of your time, sir.

Now,
if you'll excuse me...

Hey, whoa, whoa.

I'll, uh, hang on to this.

Why?
Are you going to sign up, sir?

No.

Just wanna get big ol' lesbian
Shirley's home number.

She's growing her hair out,
I think she's coming around.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So then I sat down
and he said,

"Wow, the picture on your
profile page is way different."

I said, "What do you mean?"
though I knew what he meant

because I used a blurry picture
of Kim Kardashian

I found on the Internet.

So you're not using
the blurry picture

of Penelope Cruz anymore?

No.

So then I'm in the middle
of telling him

how cool
my new tap class is,

when he remembers that he's
gotta go pick his sister up

from the airport
and he's gotta go.

Well, pfft, you don't want a guy
that forgetful anyway.

Ugh, the Mets suck.

Jeff, we are at dinner,
with Liz.

Don't blame me,
blame the Mets bullpen.

You shouldn't be checking the
baseball scores at the table.

You're right.
There's a TV in the bar.

FYI, I counted my shrimp.

Anyway... Oh, what about that
guy that Lisa set you up with?

Oh, I called him
for a second date

and he told me he was moving
to Canada the next day.

Well, that's just bad timing.

I bet Jeff
didn't really count these.

I just have the worst luck.

Did you know I haven't slept
with a man in almost a year?

Well,
I have and let me tell you,

you're not missing much.

I'm starting to think no one
will ever sleep with me again.

Oh, Liz, no, that's not true.

No? Then name one person
who would want me.

I don't know, specifically,
but, uh--

You don't have to do that,
it's hopeless.

I just feel so alone.

Oh. Uh...

Jeff.

Huh?

Jeff would totally
sleep with you.

What?

I probably shouldn't be
telling you this,

but you know
how married people sometimes--

No.

Right.
Well, sometimes married people

play that game where you
make a list, you know,

of who you'd have sex with if

something happened
to the other one.

And it just so happens
you're on Jeff's list.

Come on.

No, I'm serious.

You're in the top five. Ha.

Wow,
Jeff finds me attractive.

That makes me feel
so good.

But Audrey,
I would never do anything--

Oh, no, no, of course.
I mean, I have to, but--

[BOTH LAUGH]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Adam,
I am not enjoying this.

It's like the soundtrack
to their sex life.

You're so inconsiderate.

He knows I'm trying
to lose a few pounds.

Good. Maybe I can get a little
more room on the bench.

What?
I'm sneakin' a cheek over here.

Sorry, I can't help it,
these waffles are so good.

Jeff, here, taste this.

I can't,
I'm allergic to strawberries.

My head swells up
like a bounce house.

Uh-oh,
call the hospital.

It already happened.

[CHUCKLING]

Come on,
you guys used to be fun.

What happened
to the laughter?

Jen, you don't need
to lose weight.

That's what I told her.
No, I do.

I went to try on wedding dresses
this week

and when they would fasten them
up the fat on the top of my back

would pinch together.
Like a butt.

Like a back butt.

Oh, no. My cousin Wanda had one
of those at her wedding.

Wanda the Hutt.

See? You have to be
supportive of me.

It'd be easier
if you weren't being crazy.

You think you need to lose
weight, which you don't,

then I suffer
because you won't let me keep

my treats in the house.

He calls them treats?

Yeah, I've got some work to do
before the wedding.

Hey, you made reservations
to Walden's Steakhouse

for tomorrow, right?
Uh, yeah, yeah.

And, um, sorry, but it turns out
it's gonna be a double date.

Don't be mad at me, but Liz
met someone on the Internet.

Oh, damn it.

Is this Liz,
your old boss?

Whose tap recital
you had to go to?

Yes.

You know,
I thought there would be

at least
one other adult in it.

I invited her
because I thought she'd be

more comfortable
with us there.

She knows it's gonna take
all three of us

to keep him
from running away.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Do, uh, you and Jen ever do
any charity work?

Oh, sometimes.

Uh, just last night Jen
did some charity work,

if you know what I mean.

You're referring to yourself
as charity?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wait, no.

Heh-heh.
Too late. You did.

I just texted Jeff.

So, what's going on over there?

Jen is on this crazy diet.

And last night
she ate some of my treats--

I mean, my adult snacks.

--and then she got mad at
herself and threw the rest out.

So I'm putting a lock on this
cabinet so she can't get to it.

Heh. Congratulations.
You're engaged to a bear.

Ah.
Hey.

RUSSELL:
Hey, Jen.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Do you ever do any, uh,
charity work?

Does talking to you right now
count?

You know, I don't know why
I even come over here.

Well, it's certainly not
in response to an invitation.

All right, that's it,
I can take a hint.

You guys wanna order Chinese?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

No. Too fattening.

Not if you don't eat it.

Oh, I think I poked the bear.

What's this?

I locked up the junk food so you
wouldn't be tempted to eat it.

Seems pretty drastic,
but really not necessary.

I've got all the healthy snacks
I need.

Rice cakes, carrots, tofu...

Hey,
is that a Kit Kat wrapper?

Oh. I can't believe
someone threw that in there.

Whoa,
you killed a king-size.

Ooh, don't show fear.

Just make yourself seem bigger
and back away.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

AUDREY:
Hey, it's me. You there yet?

Yeah, I'm having a drink.

Listen,
I just got a text from Liz.

Her date cancelled on her.

Oh, let me guess, he found
that video of her on YouTube

tap dancing
to "It's Raining Men."

I don't know the reason. Listen,
I just got called into work,

it should only be
a few minutes.

I'll be there soon.
You and Liz start without me.

Me and Liz alone?
I don't think so.

I don't need my steak
marinated in tears.

And I don't have the strength
to defend my shrimp alone.

Look, I'm just gonna walk around
the block until you get--

Hey, Liz.

[COUGHS]
Get here.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Timmy!

[SIGHS]

Oh, dear.

Why, sir? Why?

Still trying to find out
what your angle is, buddy.

Oh, there we go, free food.

Ah, yes, because how else would
I acquire a limp deli sandwich?

Hey, where are the rest
of the hoes?

They're back in the van.

Aha, that's it!

Party van full of ho's.

Not your kind of ho, sir.

This kind.

Oh.

Most disappointing homonym ever.

So you, uh...

You really get a good feeling
from doing this stuff?

Yes, I do, sir.

I wanna feel good too.

Seriously?

Yeah.
Okay, then.

Right on, sir.
There you go.

All right!

How does it work?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[GROANS]

Whoo.

TIMMY:
Sir?

Yeah?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Timmy! Timmy!

What is it?

Sir, it's a blister.

Is there a cure?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I'll have the New York strip,
rare,

with the truffle butter.

Great choice, sir.

Oh.

I really don't like meat.

This is hard for me.

It's hard for all of us.

I'll come back.
Can I get you another?

Never stop
getting me another.

Well, at least I can
eat whatever I want.

Don't have to worry
about impressing a date.

Yeah, I'm sorry
that he cancelled.

But gall bladders burst.

Very common.

I know four men this year.

Normally I'd be bummed, but
I'm feeling pretty good lately,

and, well, I have you to thank.

Ah. What'd I do?

Heh. I don't know
if she mentioned anything,

but Audrey told me
about your list.

Favorite quarterbacks,
microbrews,

what list
are we talking about?

Your list of who you'd sleep
with if Audrey wasn't around.

Oh, yeah,
that's a good one.

I know.

And I'm flattered
to be on it. Ha-ha.

On what?

You don't have to be
embarrassed.

Audrey told me
I was in the top five.

Did she?

I bring it up
because I'd like to know

what qualities I should
highlight on future dates.

So, what is it about me exactly
that you are so attracted to?

Jeff?
Yeah, I'm thinking.

It's just a toughie.
It's really tough,

you know, to narrow it down.

I...

like the way that you...

wear your stretch pants.

Oh, you can do better
than that.

I'm not sure that I can.

Maybe you like my breasts?

Oh.

Wanna know a secret
about my breasts?

No.

One's longer than the other.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

What happened?

I smelled donuts.

No, but--
But I hid the screwdriver.

I used my hands.

My God, you are a bear.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE]

You're really
going to town there.

So that's before you got
the special bra, huh?

That's why I got it.

All right then.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, it's Audrey.
Excuse me.

Thank God. Where are you?

Jeff, I'm so sorry.
I'm not gonna make it.

What?

We have to rebuild the whole
issue tonight. There's no way.

Quit your job.

What?
Quit your job,

and start pursuing your dream
of getting me out of here.

Yeah, sorry.

Hey, listen, I--
I doubt this will come up,

but the other day
Liz was so down

I-I sort of,
kind of told her--

I wanted to sleep with her.
It came up.

Jeff,
please do not hurt her feelings.

Her feelings?

How do you think
Danica Patrick feels

knowing she got bumped off
my list for Miss Long-Boob here?

She told you about that?

You know she showed me once.

It looks like a sock
full of sand.

Anyway, babe, I'm really sorry.
I gotta go.

No.
Sorry.

No.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

RUSSELL:
Timmy.

It's not working.

What's not working, sir,
besides you?

That good feeling
you promised me.

Where is it? I want it.

Hey, Timir.
The wood chips came in.

We can start filling
in the playground.

Be there in a second.

Hey,
what did he just call you?

Timir. It's my Indian name.
I prefer Timmy.

I'm sure you do, Timir.

Ha-ha! Hey, Timir,

I'm starting to get
that good feeling.

It's a Timir-acle.

You finished, sir?

Au contraire,
I'm Timir-ly getting started.

Aw, come here, Timir.

I didn't even try
on that one!

Sir, no matter how much
you ridicule me,

you cannot take away the pride,

the sense of accomplishment
I will feel every day

when I walk by this park.

And that is a feeling
you will never have.

I feel sorry for you,
Russell Dunbar.

I really do.

Hey,
that guy's name is Timir.

So?

Seemed funny.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Jeff, I could really use
your insight here.

When did it occur to you that
you wanted to make love to me?

I don't remember.

Was it the time I was over
showing off the shimmer unitard

I wore for my tap recital?

I think it's safe to say
it was another time.

Here's your strawberry daiquiri.
Mm, yummy!

Is there anything else
I can get for you?

You know,
I think we will order

that chocolate soufflé
after all.

Just a reminder, it'll take
45 minutes to prepare.

No, no. Look, we need something
that's ready right now.

Don't listen to him.
He's just being silly.

Okay,
one souffle coming up.

Want a taste?

Uh, no. No strawberries.

Okay, well,
since we have more time,

let me ask:
if it wasn't my unitard

that caught your eye,
what was it?

And be specific.

Look,
I really don't remember.

Oh, was it the time
I split my bike shorts

and you could see everything?

Give me that.

I can't believe you.

You--
You could have died.

Worth it.

Well, I am proud of you

for not saying anything
to hurt her feelings.

Yeah, if you think about it
I'm kind of a hero.

I wouldn't go that far,
but I guess I do owe you one.

I have some thoughts on exactly
how you might repay me.

Oh, really? Here?

I spent six minutes
watching her tap dance video.

Yeah, here.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

Oh, why are you here, sir?

Did you realize that "Timir"
rhymes with "queer"?

No, but that's extremely
excellent. Ha-ha!

No, uh, I'm here
for the park dedication.

Really? And why is that?
Well, because I was wrong.

You did a decent
and charitable thing

without
any selfish motivation.

I think I understand
what a good feeling

that gives a person.
Really?

Well,
if that's the case,

you too can experience
this feeling.

It means a long term commitment,
hours of hard work.

Yeah, that's not really my
thing, so I'm gonna get it now.

Chief,
let's light this candle.

Welcome, everyone.

Right now I'd like to introduce
you to a great man,

whose generous donation
of $20,000

made all of this possible.

No. No, you didn't.

I kinda did.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Russell Dunbar.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's nice.
I appreciate it. That's great.

That's enough. That's enough.

Twenty thousand is a lot.

Thank you.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Mr. Dunbar,
would you do us the honor?

Oh, okay.

Look at that. Hey, that's me!

MAN:
Can we get a picture?

Oh, wait. This isn't right.

Timmy?

Yes, sir?
Can you hand me that hoe?

[SIGHS]

Oh, come here, Timir.

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's funny, right?

Hey, what say we get the other
kind of hoes down here, huh?

Ha-ha. Huh?
Who's with me, huh?

No one?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So how's Jennifer's
diet coming?

Not good.
This morning I caught her

eating hot chocolate powder
with butter.

Well, I can't take it anymore
so I came up with a plan.

Uh-oh. This'll be good.

See, I adjusted the scale ahead
six pounds

so she'll think she lost weight
even though she hasn't.

You mean you adjusted it
back six pounds.

No, it's forward, 'cause--

Oh, no.

[SOBBING]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]