Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Four Pillars - full transcript

Hey
Hey, Oh it's good , you're home.

Listen, I was talkin' to some...
Oh whoa, whoa,, whoa.

I just walked in the door

If we're gonna talk,
I gotta get a can of listening juice.

Hey.
Hi.

Okay, so I was talking
to the girls at work...

Oh, here we go.
What?

No good ever comes
from that.

It's never, "you know, I was
talking to the girls at work,

And they told me that
I'm not servicing you enough."

[laughing] all right,
here's the thing.



A while ago,
jane and her husband decided

That they would go find--

Is jane that one
who looks like pete rose?

No.
That's bethany.

And she--she does not look
like pete rose.

Well, let's just crack open

The old baseball
encyclopedia here.

All right, maybe a little.

Look, here's the thing--
jane and her husband

Went to couples therapy,

And they found it
really helpful.

She loved the therapist
they used,

And I--and I think
it's something we should do.

Why? Our marriage
practically runs itself.



And plus, you're not chunky
like jane,

So why do we need
a therapist?

Wow.

Rough day
for the work friends.

I just think
we're both so busy at work,

We never have time to talk,

And--and now we're going through
all this fertility stuff.

You know how I feel
about therapy.

Why deal with stuff
when you can just

Push it down inside
and go on with your life?

[chuckles]
well, that's great.

But as a backup plan,
it might be nice

To have an hour every week
where we can connect

And focus on our relationship.

Here's the guy's card.

I don't know.
Do we really need to pay a guy

To tell you
how lucky you are?

Well, no one's doing it
for free.

♪ how many ways to say
I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared? ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

♪ Rules of Engagement 4x05 ♪
The Four Pillars
Original Air Date on March 29, 2010

[sighs]
hi, hon.

Whoa, nice gel-met.

Thanks.

No, I wasn't--
never mind.

How much product
are you using?

What enrique said--

"little dab, size of a peach."

I'm pretty sure he said,
"size of a pea."

Oh, well, that's good,

Because I've been going through
a tube a day.

Yeah, you may want to shower

Before the photographer's
tonight.

Oh, honey,
do we have to do that?

Yes.
It's nice that my mom

Wants to put our engagement
in the newspaper.

I know, but why do we need
a new picture?

I mean, can't we just send
the one we already have?

I'd rather not.
Why?

Look, honey, it's just that in
all the pictures that we have,

You tend to look...

You know...

Super gay.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know how some people
are photogenic?

You're kind of "homogenic."

"homogenic"?

You tend to look gay
in pictures.

What?
I do not.

Well, I mean, maybe in that one
from scotty's bachelor party,

But I was just pretending to do
that 'cause he was passed out.

I mean, that's--
that's what you do.

Look, maybe it's the way
you smile or how you pose,

But I'd rather not have
everyone in my hometown

Saying, "oh, look,
jen's marrying george michael."

That's ridiculous.

Is it?
Mm-hmm.

Look, here's me.

Oh, and have you met
my friend adam?

He bakes the best mini muffins
in all of sausalito.

And this one.

And...

Oh, my god!

I told you
he was passed out!

That's what you do.

And in a way,
it was amazing

To have had such
a new york experience

My first night here.

Mm.

But we've cancelled
all her credit cards

And recovered the purse
in a dumpster,

So all's well
that ends well.

Yeah, you got to watch it
in this town--

A lot of dirtbags.
[knock at door]

Hey, dirtbag.
What's going on?

Ah, mr. Rhodes, hello.

My fiancee, suneetha, and I
were just telling mr. Dunbar

About her first night
in new york city.

Well, it's great
to finally meet you.

Likewise.

Anyway, after the brisk chase
through the park,

We went back to my place,
where suneetha proceeded

To tease me mercilessly
about how small my apartment is.

Oh, and hot.

By the way, my uncle jawahar's
restaurant called.

They want their tandoor back.

[chuckles]

That's great.

I don't really get it,
but I love it.

Anyway, if you could spare me
for the morning,

I promised suneetha to show her
more of the city.

Oh, you know what?
You go right ahead.

You crazy kids have fun.

I'm sure I can handle
my own phone today.

Well, it hasn't rung
since last Thursday, sir,

So I'm sure
you'll be fine.

In fact, yes,
it is still working.

Shall we?

Yes. Good-bye,
mr. Dunbar and rhodes.

Yes, have a nice time.

[fakes crying]

What are you doing?
I'm totally into her.

Suneetha?

Yeah.
I have feelings for her.

What, in your little pants?

No, higher.

Oh, in your puppet vest.

Stop it.

From the moment I saw her
get off that plane,

I can't get her
out of my mind.

Okay, hey, russell,
you can't do anything.

She's engaged to timmy.
Doi.

You know I would never
cross that line.

Oh, actually,
I don't think that's a thing

People know about you.

So what are you gonna do?

What can I do?

I just have to sit here
and wallow in my own misery,

Knowing that the one woman
I want I can't have.

Oh...

Hey, do I look gay
in these pictures?

"couples therapist."

All right, well,
let's see what you're all about,

Dr. Amos greenblatt.

[chuckles]

Amos--that's close
to being funny.

Hi, I'd like to cover
what I call

My four pillars
of a successful marriage.

Pillar one--
sex, sex, sex.

In any good marriage,

The more physical intimacy,
the better.

Right on, amos!

Pillar two--
transition time.

When you get home
from a long day,

You need time to put
your feet up, have a drink.

A spouse
should understand that.

You'd think.

Pillar three--
from zero to hero.

Don't forget
to tell your spouse

How much you admire,
love, and respect them.

It's no pillar one.

And pillar four--
communication.

Listening is a crucial part
of any relationship.

Swing and a miss.

But still...

I am sold.

So you want to see
the therapist?

What changed your mind?
I realized you were right.

You know,
the guy's an expert,

So whatever he says,
we should do...

Even if one of us isn't
in the mood.

Oh, I already ordered.

I figured we'd split
a turkey sandwich and a b.L.T.

Nice play.
I know what you like,

But we still have to go
to therapy.

I'm sorry, adam,

But I don't think
it's just my opinion.

Well, I've never heard it
from anyone else, so...

Hey, let's ask jeff.
All right.

Describe adam
in these pictures.

Gay.

Gayer.

Gayest.

Correction--gayest.

[sighs]

Oh, what's wrong?

Growth hormones
not kicking in yet?

No, the doctor says
I'm making good progress.

It's just there's a woman
out there I want,

And I can't have her.

Oh, well, just try
a different escort service.

I'm sure
she'll be 18 someday.

You overinflated her,
and she popped?

Anything?

Uh...
[chuckles]

Nothing.

Poor little heart.

I actually believe him.

You couples don't know
how lucky you have it.

Look at you two...
Sharing sandwiches.

It's like you're sharing
your souls.

Hey, this new russell's
not working for me.

You know what
the worst part is?

Timmy asked me
to look after her

And take her around today,
'cause he's busy.

Actually, getting to know her
might solve your problem.

How is that?
'cause you never like a woman

Once you've gotten
to know her.

Yeah, you're russell.

You don't have feelings
for women.

Yeah, man,
you just, like, use them.

Yeah, you strip them
of their clothes,

Their dignity,
and their self-esteem.

You know, after five minutes
you'll be off her

And back on the skank train.

All: Yeah.

Thanks, guys.
I hope you're right.

All aboard the skank train.

[dejectedly]
whoo-whoo.

So, audrey, jeff,

Why don't we start
with why you came in to see me.

Well, doctor, I'd say--

If I could just jump in here
for a second.

I think that it would be better
if you talk.

Maybe you could tell us
how we could achieve

A more successful marriage.

Well, that's difficult,

Because I don't really
know you yet.

Hey, there, jeff bingham.

Looking for a more
successful marriage.

What are you doing?

Trying to get the doctor
to, you know,

Just boil it down for us.

Well, jeff,
I don't give my opinion

Until I've spent
a couple of sessions

Finding out what some
of your issues are.

Well, let's fast-forward now.

This is our third session,
and you know our issues.

Go.

Jeff, this isn't
the lightning round

Of a game show.

Uh--uh, I'm sorry.

My--my husband's not
a big fan of therapy...

Or acting like
a regular person.

Ooh, hear the sarcasm.

It's clear, isn't it,

That our marriage is
on a shaky foundation.

We're not
on a shaky foundation.

See that, doc?
See, I'll say one thing,

And then she'll say
the opposite.

How can we salvage this...

Starting tonight?

Oh, hey, tim.
You busy?

Quite so, mr. Rhodes.
Oh, this will be quick.

I need you to take
a picture of me.

Well, so long
as it's work-related

And personally enriching.

[clears throat]
uh, wait.

[exhales sharply]

Oh, here we go.

I'm not quite sure
what's happening here, sir.

I'm--I'm just--I'm trying
to find a good pose.

It's not going well, sir.

Look, I'm not sure
what to do.

Jen thinks I look gay
in pictures.

Well, you don't in person,
mr. Rhodes,

So I can't imagine--

Oh, yes.
Now I can imagine it.

Um, maybe just lean
on the desk.

Okay.
Try to seem natural.

Okay.

Okay.

Now, I'm seeing nothing
that's not entirely hetero.

So hold it, and...
[camera beeps]

How the hell does that happen?

I know.
It's weird, right?

Yes. It's like
straight, straight,

Straight, straight, straight--
hello, judy.

So india...

[chuckles]
what's that like?

Well, it's hot, chaotic,

Overcrowded, squalid.

At least you have
great indian food.

Yes, but we just
call it food.

[chuckles]
that's great.

Good sense of humor too.

That doesn't help me.

So tell me, russell,
why have you never married?

What?

Well, timmy tells me
you enjoy the company of women,

But only
on a short-term basis.

So you think
I'm a total sleaze?

Absolutely not.

I would never judge you.

Ah, of course you wouldn't.

I guess I'm just never meant
to settle down.

Well, as it's been said,

Love, like a river,
will cut a new path

Whenever it meets
an obstacle.

There are so many choices.

Hey, would you like
to split two sandwiches

And each have half?

Oh, forever and ever
I would.

Or soup, you know.
Everything's good here.

[laughs]

Mr. Rhodes,
I really must go.

Timmy--
timmy, please, please.

Look, I need to be able
to take a straight picture.

Please.

Well, sir, maybe
you just look too happy.

Why not try thinking
a sad thought like,

Oh, I don't know, your boyfriend
just broke up with you?

Yeah, ha ha, very funny.

And if I had a boyfriend,
I'd break up with him.

I feel we're heading
in the wrong direction, sir.

Come on, look, timmy,

This is gonna be
in a newspaper

That a lot of people
are gonna see,

So...
All right, one last try.

Okay.
Thank you.

Just stand there.

Um, those arms go here.

[camera beeps]
hold.

Much better.
There you go, sir.

Good night.

And it's like, you know,
on the one hand,

This isn't how I envisioned
having a baby.

[jeff kicking table]

But on the other hand,
it's great

That medical technology
in the last--

[continues kicking table]

Hey, tappy...
[sighs]

Do you mind?
Sorry.

Doc, you were saying...

No, he wasn't saying.
I was saying--

Yes, but I can hear you
anytime, so let's...

Let's listen to the expert.

Jeff, I've noticed you're
very dismissive of audrey.

Why do you think that is?

Hey, buddy,
I just called you an expert.

Hook me up.

To what?

What is it
you're looking for, jeff?

Pillars!
[clears throat]

Did--did you say something?
No. Mm-mm.

[coughing]
more sex.

Hold on, are you referring
to my four pillars

Of a successful marriage?
Oh, there you go!

Jeff, what--
what is happening?

Tell me what is happening,
right now!

Oh, fine, all right,
I'll tell you.

I saw this clown on the internet
banging his gums

About how couples should be
having sex all the time.

But we've been here
for 40 minutes,

And absolutely nothing.

So that's the only reason
you wanted to come here?

No.

You thought he would tell me
to give you more sex?

No, no, no,
there's also something

About you leaving me alone
after work.

Oh, well,
you don't have to worry

About me leaving you alone.

I-I-I'm sorry
to have wasted your time.

[sighing]

Not cool, amos.

[dishes clattering]

Are you still mad
about the therapy thing?

Still mad?
It happened ten minutes ago!

I know I say this a lot,

But I have never been
so humiliated.

Come on, what about
that time I got drunk

And I mooned your boss?

Really?
That's your strategy?

Trying to remind me
how low the bar is?

I didn't want to go to therapy
in the first place.

I told you,
we don't have any problems.

Yeah, well,
maybe you don't, but I do.

Like what?

Like this whole
fertility process, that's what.

I mean, how do you think
I feel getting poked and prodded

Like I'm some kind
of lab animal?

Having all those shots,

Having my hormones monitored
all the time?

I think they're
pretty high right now.

Just forget it.

[sighs]

Look, I'm sorry
that you feel this way,

But it's--it's not that great
for me either.

Oh, please, you barely have
to do anything.

Yes, exactly.
Exactly what?

My only job is to lock myself
in the doctor's bathroom

And rough up the suspect.

Big deal.

For you, it's just
a change of venue.

I'm not saying
that it's as tough for me

As it is for you,

But that's not exactly
how I pictured making a baby.

You pictured it?

Yeah, a lot. And you know
what wasn't in the picture?

Uh, me alone, uh, with a cup

And a stack
of seriously old magazines.

They got one with
brigitte nielsen on the cover.

But, uh, you know,
I powered through,

Because, well, that's what
the great ones do.

[sighs] so why didn't you ever
say anything?

Look, what am I gonna say?

Uh, "hey, nurse, how about
a little more megan fox,

A little less charlene tilton?"

No, I mean
about how you feel.

I-I don't want you
to feel excluded.

I don't want you to feel
like a lab animal.

This is my fault.

It's because my swimmers
are slow.

No, no.
I'm not blaming you.

I just want us to be able to...

Do this--
to communicate.

Ironic--
that was the fourth pillar.

Who knew that one
could ever matter?

All right, look.

How about, in the future,
we huddle up

And make sure that
we're on the same page, okay?

I'd like that.

Hey, you want to hear
dr. Bingham's one pillar

For a lust-filled 20 minutes?

[knock at door]

Hey, what's up?

I just got a text
from russell.

The whole "losing interest
in suneetha" thing

Totally backfired.

He's more into her than ever.

Really?

Yeah, look.
Seven sad faces.

He is such a downer lately.

I know.
Can this wait 20 minutes?

You know, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

But I wish we could get
the old russell back.

Well, I'm sure
we can figure some--

[coughs]
20 minutes.

Do you really think
that only certain people

Can hear what you're saying
when you do that?

[coughs]
yes!

I'm not at all happy
about this.

It's not about you.
It's for russell.

Now here he comes.

[sighs deeply]

Hey, you guys.

Look.
It's your favorite shirt.

What do you got--
I'm a zebra?

Maybe the hamburglar?

[imitating the hamburglar]

Don't beat yourself up, jen.

There's enough pain
in the world.

Hey, hey, over here--

Couple of douches,
that's right.

Yeah, we're matching.

As you should be.

It's a fitting manifestation
of your shared love.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Check out these bad boys--
your two favorite targets, huh?

Looks like a heart
turned upside down,

Much like my own.

I'm gonna hit the restroom.

Do you think heartache
washes off?

Wow, he is far gone.

Yeah, I know.

Why don't you put those away?

Hey, guys, what's up?

Hey.

You can take off the hat.
He's not biting.

Who's not biting?
What are you talking about?

Wait, you wore that hat
voluntarily?

What's wrong with it?
I...

Nothing.

Hand me my nine iron,
bagger vance.

[laughter]

You look like a newsboy
from the depression.

Extr-y! Extr-y!
You're a tool.

You know what?

We might do all right
without russell.

[laughter]

Adam, look what
my mom sent us.

The future
mr. And mrs. Adam rhodes.

All right.
Hey, we look good.

Mm-hmm.
But more importantly,

I look straight.

Yeah, how'd you
pull that off?

I had jen punch me
in the stomach

Before the guy snapped it.

The second punch
he really wasn't expecting.

Oh, god, adam...

Look at the caption.

"jennifer morgan to wed...
Madam rhodes"?

No!

No! They--they totally ruined
my hetero picture.

At least
it's a small town.

Not that many people
will see it.

Oh, no, they've got
an online edition.

Well, I got a busy night
ahead of me, so...