Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 4 - Ghost Story - full transcript

I'm glad you guys finally introduced
us to Ethopian food,

And now that I've met
Ethiopian food,

It's time to say good-bye
forever.

It feels like it's gonna be
a long good-bye.

I'm rethinking
opening this door.

So why don't you guys
come over for dessert?

Oh, we'd love to.

Good call, honey.

Coffee or--

Oh, my God.

Wow...



You guys are pigs.

I don't believe this.
We've been robbed.

What--the window...
Adam, did you leave it open?

Did you?
No.

Then, yeah, I did.

Wait, wait, wait,
what if they're still here?

Right, you guys stay here
and, uh, we'll go check it out.

Hey, honey, I'm home
from the Kung-Fu Studio.

Yeah, and I'm home
from gun practice.

Good, now they think we're
a super-violent gay couple.

Get in there.

I am so freaked out.

Has anything like this
ever happened to you?

Uh, one time at work



Someone stole a yogurt
with my name on it

Right out of the fridge.

So...No.

Well, it's all clear.

Yeah, and I checked
your underwear drawer

Your jewelry is still there.

I checked it too.
He's right.

So what did they take?

I don't know.
It doesn't look like anything.

Well, maybe when we came in
we scared 'em off.

Hmm, I don't think so.

I mean, whoever did this
had time to make

Toaster waffles
and watch 27 dresses.

Oh, that was me.

I took a personal day.

Well, I guess we got off
pretty lucky, huh?

I guess.

Or you could say that

We don't have anything
worth stealing.

Huh,
all of your stuff stinks.

Wait, hold on, jen.
They did take something.

That bowl
that was on the table.

The ceramic one
with the turquoise?

Uh, actually,
that--that's our bowl.

We--we bought it
in New Mexico.

But that cost 180 bucks.
Yes, I know.

We brought over spinach dip once
and they never returned it.

Oh, bad news, guys.

Someone stole your bowl.

♪ how many ways to say
I love you ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

♪ Rules of Engagement 4x04 ♪
Ghost Story
Original Air Date on March 22, 2010

Jeff, Jeff,
wake up.

What?
What, is it the burglar?

Can you handle it?

No, no, no,
it's not that.

Listen,
something just happened,

Something really intense,
really incredible.

You're welcome.

Guess awake or asleep,
daddy knows what mommy likes.

I--I am serious.

I really need to talk to you.
Okay.

Okay, now, first you have
to promise not to laugh.

Oh, you didn't wake me up

To try on those bike shorts
again, did you?

No, this--this is serious.

All right, I promise
I won't laugh.

Okay...

I just saw
my grandmother's ghost.

Do you mind
if I go laugh in the can?

I know,
I know it sounds unbelievable,

But--but I just saw
my grandma Shirley

at the foot of our bed.

She was there.

She was wearing this
garnet dress

With this beautiful brooch
she use to let me play with

When I was a kid.

Gosh, she looks so
lovely and peaceful

With this sweet smile
on her face.

Like she was really happy
to see me.

Probably just psyched
to be out of the urn.

I'm sorry. Go on.

I just--I always felt so bad
I didn't make it home to see her

Before she died,
but now I feel like it's okay.

You really saw her.
I did.

It wasn't like
a very real dream,

Like the one I had
where me and Lee Majors

Were tracking big foot?

No, no, no,
I--I was awake!

I was sitting up.
She was--she was right there.

It was real.

Huh.
Do you believe me?

Yeah, I do.
I...I believe you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Yeah, I'm here for ya.

I feel so close to you
right now.

Mm.

And grandma Shirley isn't
still here, is she, 'cause...

I'm about to take off
my bottoms.

Sir.

I spoke to your gym,

But they've maintained
their stance.

You must actually participate
in the cardio hip-hop class.

You cannot just sit and watch.

Call my lawyer.

And I've contacted
the accounting firm

Across the street,

But sadly,
no one could put me in touch

With the stacked lady
in the pink thing.

What?

She's right there...

Pointing at me
and closing the blinds.

And then finally, sir,

Here are all
the bathing suit images

Of the french actress
Audrey Tautou.

Yeah, ooh...
Oh, yeah.

Oh, see, this is
one classy girl.

Ooh, bonjour,
side boob.

Merci-cup.

Good job, Timmy.

I tell you what,
take an extra fiver

Before you grab me
my juice box.

Enormously kind of you, sir.

But, uh, in lieu
of your generosity today,

May I instead
leave early tomorrow?

Early, why?
I'd rather not say.

Say.

No, thank you.

No say, no early.
No early, no say.

Sir, I really would--
♪ say! ♪

If you must know,

I'm meeting my fiancee
at the airport.

Fiancee?

well, that's gotta be wrong.

Um, Timmy,
are you having trouble

With your english words again?

No,
english is my first language...

Of seven.

I mean, fiancee as in the woman
I am to marry.

You're engaged?

How am I just hearing
about this?

Surprisingly, sir,

I do have
some personal information

That you've not as yet
bribed, threatened,

Or twisted my nipple
to obtain.

All right, get back here
and take your shirt off.

Here we go.

It's an arranged marriage.

My parents are quite
traditionally indian.

It's part of my culture.

Not sure how I feel
about this.

How big are the ol' fun bags?

I am not as yet familiar
with the ol'...Fun bags.

She is coming
to visit relatives,

And I will meet her
for the first time tomorrow.

Come on, you haven't even
met her yet?

My parents met
on their wedding day,

And they've been happily married
for nearly three decades.

Ay, carumba...

Wow, your culture
sure has its quirks.

It's bad enough they make you
wear the feathery hats

And talk to the eagles
and stuff.

It is, in fact,
not that bad, sir,

Because, once again,
I'm not that kind of indian.

All right, you don't
have to scalp me over this.

I just can't believe someone
in this day and age

Would still go through
with an arranged marriage.

My marriage to Audrey
was arranged.

By vodka.

I gotta find a way
to show Timmy

He's making a huge mistake.

I hate to see him forced
to do something

He doesn't wanna do.

You do that to him
all the time.

I know--the other day
I made him touch a dead pigeon.

I'm just saying
this is New York.

You can't leave
the window open.

I burnt my toaster waffles,

And I couldn't watch 27 dresses
with all that smoke.

Uh...

I can't believe we have nothing
worth stealing.

It's embarrassing.
It's not embarrassing.

Yeah, it's a little
embarrassing.

Why don't you guys just
get some decent stuff.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you
go 50 miles north of Santa Fe,

Lay 180 bucks
on an old Navajo broad,

and get a bowl.

Hello.
Wow, you look great.

You're glowing.

Well,
something really incredible

Happened last night.

Guilty.

No, not that.

Okay, you guys,
this was truly unbelievable.

It was like 4:00 in the morning.
Yeah, Audrey.

And all of the sudden--
Audrey...

I thought that was
a private thing.

No, I wanted to share it
with our friends

and Russell.

Anyway, so I woke up,

And I looked
at the end of my bed,

And I saw my grandma's ghost.

Hmm...
Wow.

Jeff, you might wanna hide
the key to the booze closet.

Come on guys,
we shouldn't make fun of her.

I met her grandma once.

If you see her again,
will you tell her I said boo?

All right, I guess
I should've expected this,

But I know what I saw.

Jeff believes me.

The man who's skeptical
Puerto Rico is real?

Yes. Tell them.

I believe that you believe
you saw a ghost.

What?

Well, we don't really know
what you saw last night, do we?

We don't?
No.

We do not.

Look at that.
Printed in Puerto Rico.

I stand corrected.

Hey, there, pumpkin.

Wow, you look stunning.

You don't really know
"what" I saw last night, huh?

You believe I believe
I saw a ghost.

I don't believe
I used that tone.

Do you know how embarrassing
that was for me?

My own husband
wouldn't even support me

In front of our friends.

You know, in my defense,
it caught me a little off guard

When you told
your kooky ghost story

Out in public.

Kooky ghost story?

Oh, again, I may be
saying these things,

But you're puttin'
a lot of extra mustard on 'em.

So you never believed me?

Well, in the moment
I guess I...

No, no.

So you just lied...
To what?

Make me feel better
and get some sex out of it?

Right, because I thought,
you know,

Seeing your dead grandmother
would get you all teed up.

You are unbelievable.

Look, I'm sorry,
but I just can't choose

To believe something
because you do.

Look, if I said something
that was completely crazy,

Would you believe me
no matter what?

I would.
Oh, that's just stupid.

No, no,
you know what's stupid?

Me thinking
I could share something

Important with my husband

And not feel
vulnerable and ridiculed.

I'm so boned
if that's grandma Shirley.

Huh?
Not even close.

Hi.

Hey, you like magic?

Wanna see me pull something
out of my pants?

Come on, it's a scarf.

It's not a scarf.

Hey, there he is.
Have a seat.

Yes, I'm here.
What was so important?

Timmy, I've been
thinking a lot about

Your little
arranged marriage thing.

Still?
Yes.

I don't think
you're focusing enough on

Exactly what you're giving up.

I give you exhibits
A, B, C and double D.

Sir, with all due respect--

And quite frankly,
I'm not sure any is due--

I understand that
you're against marriage

Or any other arrangement
God might have sanctioned.

But I'm not you.
But you can be.

I don't want to be.

I think you ♪ do ♪

I truly do not.

Sir, this has been a custom
in my culture for centuries,

And I will not be
the first person

In my family
to challenge that.

Uhh...
Oh, hey, Russell.

Hey, what are you guys
doing here?

What do you mean?
You're paying us 400 bucks.

And no checks this time.

All right, take it easy.

Hey, Timmy, I'd like you
to meet my friends.

This is Monica--
Karen.

And Susan.
Jill.

It's so weird
you guys are here.

I think Monica likes you.

I think she
prefers Karen, sir.

Oh, she likes the other one.
♪ jackpot ♪

I will not let myself
be dragged down to your level.

After all,
your life is not exactly

An advertisement
for happily ever after.

Good night.

Oh, so that's it.

Looks like your friend's
not into it.

You wanna call this off?

No.

Adam, look.

Oh, my God,
you're right.

My hair is nuts right now.

No, this picture.

You remember the njght we met,

We took that walk
through Central Park,

And you kissed me on the bridge
by that boat pond?

This is that picture.
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and for the record, honey,
you kissed me.

Well, I got tired of waiting
for you to make a move.

Tired of--of waiting?

I met you,
like, 20 minutes before.

Hey, let's come back tomorrow
and buy it.

Really?
Yeah.

Yeah, we need to
start accumulating

Some grown-up stuff.

You know, like, that--
that stupid bowl

That Jeff and Audrey
used to have.

Yeah, we're adults.

We should start
acting like it.

Starting now.

Starting now.

Aud, aud.
What--what is it?

I just saw her.
I saw grandma Shirley.

Jeff!
I'm serious.

She was right here,
just like you described it,

With the dress and the brooch.

All that old lady gear.

All right, it is one thing
to make me feel bad

In front of our friends.
And Russell.

But waking me up
just to mock me?

I'm not!
I saw her, I swear!

And now I know
that you saw her too.

You do?

You actually saw her?
Absolutely, it's real.

And I'm sorry
that I didn't support ya.

It must have felt terrible.

I'm sorry.
Okay.

I accept your apology.
Thank you.

And you're not just doing this
to get sex out of it?

Absolutely not.

Oh.

We could still have sex
just 'cause, right?

This is so exciting.
I know.

I can't wait to get home
and hang it up.

Oh, wait,
allow me.

Oh.

Thank you.

And then Adam turned around,
and it was gone.

Well, look on
the bright side.

That's what I've been
trying to tell her.

What is the bright side?

Well, for a brief moment

You owned something
worth stealing.

Well, looky here.
Does the fun ever start?

Well, isn't this nice
that everyone's here?

Jeff has something
very important

He would like to tell you all
about last night.

Isn't that right, Jeff?
What are you doing?

Hey, if it really happened,
it really happened.

You should have no problem
telling them.

What are
you guys talking about?

Come on, you didn't think
your little act last night

Got you off the hook, do you?
Okay, I get it.

Well, last night I saw
Audrey's grandma's ghost.

And it was scary and...

A little bit magical.

I know it's hard to believe,
but I know what I saw.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Boy, that just gave me
goosebumps.

Wait, you believe him?

Um, Audrey, I don't think
Jeff would lie about this.

Neither would I.
This is a freaky story, Jeff.

I'm never gonna
come to your place again.

Deal.

Hold on, I saw the same ghost,
and you all made fun of me.

Audrey, Audrey,
don't sponge off Jeff's ghost.

Yeah.

It--it wasn't Jeff's ghost!
It was my ghost!

He didn't even believe me.

Well, if your own husband
doesn't believe you,

How do you expect us to?

No, he is lying!

He didn't see anything!
I did!

Sour grapes.

You know, news flash people.
Ghosts are real.

Deal with it.

My friend saw a ghost--

What the hell
is happening here?

Oh, no, this is terrible.

What, are they taking
trojan juniors off the market?

Nah, it's Timmy.

He's on his way to the airport.

He's about to make
the worst mistake of his life.

Hey, wait a minute--this
has been bugging me, Russell,

So I gotta ask.

He's okay
with an arranged marriage,

So why do you care so much?

It's complicated.
Okay.

Timmy.

Timmy.
Sir, what are you doing here?

Listen, you're making
a big mistake.

Come with me, buddy.

I'm very well aware
of your feelings,

But now I'd like to meet
my future bride alone.

Okay look,
Timmy, um, I-I haven't been

Totally up front with you
about why I'm against all this.

Uh, I know I'm not exactly
known as Mr. Romantic--

Ohh, I would disagree,
sir.

Most women swoon when they see

The "no fat chicks" placard
on your office door.

Okay, okay.

All right, here's the thing.

I actually do believe in love.
All right?

I believe there's
a special person out there

For each and every one of us.

But that person isn't chosen
by your family.

It's chosen right here
inside.

Just kiss him already.

Get outta here, you bat.

Sir, this is
your weakest ploy yet.

It's not a ploy.

Why do you think
I go through so many women?

Maybe it's because my uncle glen
hugged me in the pool too much

When I was a kid--
I don't know.

I think it's because

I'm searching for
that special person.

And that's kind of
what you're giving up.

You're being sincere?
Yes, I am.

You deserve to find
your own special person.

Well...Well, I've never seen
this side of you before...

Mr. Dunbar, and to be honest,
for the first time

I think you may actually
have a point.

I do.

Don't you want
what everyone wants...

The moment you see her

And you realize
your search is over?

Timmy?

Huh?

That's tacky.
That's an insult to bowls.

That's more of a plate,
dude.

No--

Ahh...

So when are we
gonna tell them

That we found the bowl
at our place?

Oh, when it stops being fun.

It is fun.