Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Score - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Come on.
What are you waiting for?

I'm trying.

Then do it.

I can't!
I hate needles.

[BOTH SIGH]

Don't they make estrogen
in a pill?

Yes.

But the shot is more effective,

if someone can actually
give it.

Know what would take
the pressure off?



Let me go
to the Rangers game.

Oh, God, no.

Stop asking, all right?

We have to go
to my new boss' party.

But this isn't just any game.
This is a playoff game.

If it's important,
you can TiVo it.

You can't TiVo
my boss' party.

I wouldn't want to.
I don't want to see it live.

Seriously, your work things are
so boring they make me want to--

I'll stop myself there.

You're going.
With all these layoff rumors,

I got to get some kiss-face time
with my boss.

Kiss face?
I was gonna say "kiss ass,"

and at the last second,
I went with "face time."



My brain is all loopy.

These hormones
are making you crazy,

even crazier--

Stop myself right there.

This is really hard, Jeff.

I am foggy,
I'm emotional.

At work, I cried
over wallpaper samples.

Was the pattern a guy
who can't go to a hockey game?

Look, I need your help tonight,
please.

This has to go
really well for me.

Then you shall have
my help,

because you are
my beautiful flower.

[LAUGHS]

That is so sweet.

Now jab me with that thing.
Come on.

You could bring some of that
enthusiasm into the bedroom.

Go.

Do it!

Oh! Oh!
What?

I shot myself!

Seriously?

I shot myself
with lady juice!

Quick, get that stuff
out of me.

What, do you think
it's gonna make you want

to pluck your eyebrows
and watch Oprah?

I don't know
what this stuff does,

but clearly it can turn you
into a crazy, moody witch.

I'll stop myself
right before there.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So then she starts
yelling at me.

And, uh, then I jabbed
the estrogen

right into my own hand.
[ALL LAUGH]

Yeah. Okay.
Oh, my God.

You guys got one minute to get
it all out.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Uh, accidentally shot
with estrogen:

Lamest superhero
origin story ever.

Good.

Tell me the truth:
Does my cape make me look fat?

Riffing on the superhero thing.
Very nice.

We each have one minute,
or one minute total?

Smart use
of seven seconds.

Damn! Dude, I'm no good
under pressure.

Jeff's under pressure.

He has to fight the glass
ceiling every day.

Women in the workplace.
Clever.

Oh, I got one.
Wait, um--

In five, four...
Oh--

...three--Wait!

Can I play with your boobs?

Time.

"Can I play
with your boobs?" Really?

Now, what pains me more
than my changing body

is, uh, I got my company's
club seats

to the Rangers/Bruins game
tonight,

and I gotta go
to Audrey's work thing.

Aw, hey, listen,
it's not always easy

being the woman
behind the woman.

That's sharp. I'll count that.
All right.

You guys want these?

No, I'm already going.
I'm taking Timmy.

We got seats
on the glass.

So you're a Rangers fan?

No, I'm all Bruins.
So is Timmy.

He went to Harvard,
and I lived in Boston

in the late '80s.

Is that when you locked in
the 'do?

Ah.

Kid does all right
when there's no time limit.

Not bad.

Oh, my God,
today's the 16th.

It's Jen's birthday.
I completely forgot.

I meant to get something great,
but I didn't know what to do,

and now I am completely screwed.
Problem solved.

Thank you. But I need to get
something more romantic

than a hockey game.
I disagree.

No, you get her
something great,

and she'll come to expect
that level of gift.

You set the bar low now,
you can half-ass it

the rest of her life.

Yeah, listen to him.
He should know.

He's a woman.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

Hey.

What you got there?

Oh, well, just a little
something for your birthday.

Really? I was beginning to think
you had forgotten.

Well, I'm not a monster.

Let's see what it is.

Okay, see, the thing is, honey,
you're really hard to buy for,

and I just never know--
Rangers tickets?

I can get you something else
or give you cash.

Shut up. This is perfect.

Really?

Oh, that's--
That's great,

because I-- I don't have,
like, any cash at all.

My dad used to take me
to Rangers games.

Well, duh. I mean,
why do you think I got them?

You actually remember me
telling you about that?

Well, yeah.

I mean, when my fiancée
tells me stuff,

I save it up here and here.

Mm, in hopes of
gaining access to here.

Heh-heh.
Yes, please.

[GIGGLES]

Oh, I mean--
You meant now, right?

Oh, why not?
I am wearing a skirt.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Rangers versus Bruins.
Select.

Conflicts with
Barbara Walters Interviews

Five Most Influential Women.

See you, Babs.

[TV BEEPS]

Hey, you look great.

No, I don't.

Okay, so we're already
in that area.

I just took a cold shower,
and I'm already sweating.

Another great side effect
from the hormones.

Oh, God.

Look, you've got nothing
to worry about.

You just need to relax.
I wish I could. I'm nervous.

I gotta keep it together
tonight.

I gotta make
a good impression.

Another argument
for me not going.

You're going.

But please be
on your best behavior.

All right.

Oh, what was your best behavior?
It's been so long.

My best behavior?
I guess that was when I, uh,

met your parents.

Oh, I like that guy.

What happened to him?

I don't know.

Wherever he is,
I hope he's happy.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh, appreciate you
shaving again.

I didn't shave again.
Really?

Your skin's so soft.

Maybe the estrogen's
kicking in.

[JEFF CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Yeah.

Oh, this is terrifically
exciting.

I've never been to a Bruins game
before, sir.

I come whenever
they're in town.

It's frustrating not being able
to really root for them

because we're in hostile
territory.

Well, to each their own.

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?
Showing team spirit.

Are you not wearing
Bruins colors?

No, I are not. Sit down.
You're gonna get us killed.

All the better, sir. I do enjoy
the gentle ribbing I get

when cheering on
the visiting squad.

Why don't you go back
to Boston?

It's too long a trip to have sex
with your mama, you wanker!

Ooh, cotton candy.

Two, please.

Are you crazy?

You're right. Just one.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, these seats
are fantastic.

Yeah, and they
weren't easy to get.

Nothing was gonna stop me
from making this

the best birthday ever.
It is a big step up

from last year's mood ring.
It was broken.

It was always black.

It wasn't broken.

But you have
redeemed yourself.

You are scoring
some big points, mister.

Hey.

What's up, brah?
What you working?

"MotorStorm."
Dude, I shred at "MotorStorm."

Wanna play?

[CHUCKLES]

I can't.

I'm with my fiancée.
It's her birthday.

Nice pull.

I know.

She's always up for it.

Anyway, I'm Adam.

Mackenzie.
Hey.

Well, if you change your mind,
let me know.

Oh, cool.

They're taking the ice.
It's so exciting.

Totally.
[CROWD CHEERING]

Dude, you're not gonna make
the jump. Power up. Power up!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[AUDREY PANTING]

Oh, God, can you tell
I'm sweating?

Be honest.

You kinda handcuffed me there
with the "be honest."

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God, there she is.

There's Pamela.
JEFF: Do you a favor.

People love nicknames.
I'm gonna call her Big Red.

Don't do me a favor.
Just call her Pamela.

Well, how is she gonna know
that I'm clever?

It'll be our secret.

All right, now I just have
to keep it together

and find the right moment
to score some points with--

Rusty.

Pamela.

Then we're out of here.
Okay. Just wait.

I need you to do a quick lap
and tell everybody

not to talk about
the Rangers game.

You heard my thing, right?

I don't want a repeat
of that awful day

that some knob ruined
the World Series game

that I was recording.

I remember that day,
because it was our wedding day.

And that knob
was my Aunt Sarah.

Such a knob.

Hey, Audrey.

Oh, hi. Richie.
Richie.

Yes, Richie.Yes.

Jeff, Richie.
He just moved here from Boston.

Nice to--
Don't tell me the score.

What score?

I'm recording the game.

I don't know what you--
Stop discussing it!

Come on,
let's lose this guy.

What-- What--
What the hell are you doing?

What did you think he was gonna
say?

"Nice to meet you,
and the Rangers are up by one"?

Are you being sarcastic,
or are they really up by one?

Okay, stop it.

Stop acting like
you're a crazy person.

There's only one crazy person
allowed,

and it's the one with
the massive doses of estrogen.

I had estrogen too.

Barely any.

Yeah, I know.

I'm starting
to feel feelings.

I don't like it.

All right, look,

you've left me no choice.

If you do not
behave perfectly,

I will find out the score of
that game, and will tell you.

You're a cold woman,
Audrey.

A cold, sweaty woman.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[ALL CHEERING]

Oi! Number 54!

Your mother's a better
stick-handler than you are!

I should know!

I'm implying Number 54's
mother--

Can you take it down
a million percent?

Everyone in this section
hates you.

Unlike Number 54's mother,
who, to hear me tell it--

Enough of Number 54's mother.

All right, look,
everyone's staring at you.

Huh. Well, then, best I give
them something to see.

Oi, Rangers fans!

I've got something for you!

Oh, no. What are you do--?

[ALL GROAN]

Let's go, Bruins!

Let's go, Bruins!

Oh, nice one, loser!

Why don't you try
that one again?

Give us all you've got!

There's no "us."
It's only him.

It's-- Ow!

Ow! Why do they call
those pretzels soft?

[ALL BOOING]

Whoo-hoo-hoo, yeah!

You've been playing that
for the last half-hour.

And I'm still on my first guy.

I've still got 40 fuel chips
left in reserve.

My point is you're missing
a great game.

You know,
my birthday game.

No, you're--
You're right.

I'm sorry. I'm done.

Hey, don't play my guy
for me.

Go, Rangers!

Yeah!

We're between periods.

Clearly, she's not.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, man,
my batteries died.

No. Dude.
[SIGHS]

Look, I feel responsible.
Let me buy you something.

This is club area.
My dad's got a tab here.

It's all free.

Oh, my God,
I'm about to go nuts

on a bunch of hot dogs.

My record is three.

Big Mackie,
that's weak sauce.

Yeah? Why don't we have
a little dog-off right here?

Who can eat more?

Uh, well, I wish I could,

but I should get back
to my fiancée.

Ooh, "my fiancée."

Well, at least I have
a fiancée.

I'm 13, you wad.

And I can still eat
more dogs than you.

You know what?

Someday you'll understand that,
when you grow up,

you become an adult.

And you'll have
responsibilities--

I bet you couldn't
eat two.

Big mistake, little man.
It's on!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Where have you been?
I hate all of these people.

[SIGHS]

Let's go talk to Carrot Top
and get the hell out of here.

God, no, I can't
talk to her right now.

Look at me.
Are you as hot as I am?

Really?

Right here, in front
of all these people?

Yes, yes, Jeff.

That's why I'm sweating
through my bra,

because I want you
so badly.

I don't hate
what I hear.

Audrey, have you had a chance
to say hello to Pamela yet?

Oh, no, I haven't,
but I am about to.

Jeff, this is Maya.
She's Pamela's assistant.

Delightful to meet you. You got
a little bit of napkin 'stache.

What? Oh, God.

[SNICKERS]

Here, this'll help.

You know I can't drink
when I'm on the hormones.

Champagne?
Oh, can't do it.

Oh, trying to lose a few.

Good for you.

I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Well, tough time
to try to lose a few.

Right. Uh, excuse me.

Whew!
That was a close one.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, it's me again.

You've been gone forever.
Where are you?

[ALL SHOUTING]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So, Maya,

Cinco de Maya.

Anyway, we didn't get a chance
to hear more

about your pregnancy, which is
obviously what's going on there.

[AUDREY LAUGHS]

Yes, how is it going?

Oh, it's been a long journey.
My partner and I did in vitro.

Well, congratulations
to both of you gals.

And the guy who supplied.

Well, um, ahem.

In the interest of someone
else speaking-- Ha-ha.

--Jeff and I are
also trying in vitro.

The estrogen's making me
a little crazy.

Hang in there.
Worst part are the shots.

Shots? What about them?

For starters, they make your
breasts really sore.

Oh, God,
mine are killing me.

Well, it's tough,
but it'll all be worth it.

Yeah, hopefully.

All right, I'm gonna go
freshen up one last time,

and then we'll go talk
to Pamela.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[ADAM SIGHS]

Where have you been?

Oh, just showing this loser

how to eat seven and a quarter
hot dogs in 10 minutes.

Oh, God.

My stomach hurts.

Hey, suck it up,
Mack Attack.

I'm all kinds of torn up here.

You don't hear me
complaining.

[BELCHES]
Oh, God.

Thank you
for that lovely gift.

What is that, onions?

Why put onions on it
when it's a contest?

[BELCHES]

God, my eyes are watering.

I really enjoyed spending
my birthday with you.

Hey, I was just
having fun.

I mean, you got to watch
the game

like you used to
with your dad.

I thought that's
what you wanted, right?

I wanted us to watch it
together.

I mean, I appreciate
how hard it was

for you to get these tickets.
No, it wasn't.

Some guy named Jeff
gave them to him.

Dude!

Jeff gave you these?

Why would you do that?

You made me feel bad
about myself.

I am not coming
to your bar mitzvah.

We'll probably
still have it.

So you mean these tickets just
fell in your lap this morning?

Did you even remember that
this was special to me at all?

I think you know the answer
to that, Jen.

Unbelievable.

You know what? I will always
remember this birthday.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, honey.

Look, I meant to do something
special, but I choked.

I mean, how can I celebrate
the day that changed my life?

Because you being born
was the greatest thing

that's ever happened to me.
How-- How can I express that?

Well, that's a start.

Good thing I have a lifetime of
birthdays to make it up.

Hey, look!

You guys are on
the JumboTron.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Oh, come here.

This is a great birthday.

[ADAM RETCHING]

Hey, those hot dogs
don't count.

I totally win!

[RETCHING]

Jen is still having
more fun than I am.

[HORN BLARES]

Yeah!

We scored!

No! Oh, God!

That's it,
I'm out of here.

Sir, sir, sir.

I don't understand. I've never
known you to have a problem

dishing it out before.
Because when I dish it out,

it's to an employee
or a date.

Someone that gets paid
to take it.

Sir, you said
it was frustrating

not to be able to cheer
for your team.

But if you stand your ground,
people will respect you.

Remember, a life lived in
the shadows is no life at all.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm tired of hiding
who I am.

I'm a Bruins fan.

There you go.
Now tell them.

[INHALES]

I'm a Bruins fan!

Go back to Boston, you jerk.
[LAUGHS]

Hey, why don't you get a life,
you toad!

Oh, God! Timmy!

She's standing up for her team.
It's a two-way street, sir.

[GROANING]

Aah!

Pretzel.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[JEFF SIGHS]

Okay, okay, Pamela's free.
Let's go.

All right, lookit,
you can do this.

You're a smart
and sexy powerhouse

who knows how to keep it
short and sweet

because her husband's got
a game to watch.

Sadly, one of your better
pep talks.

Pamela.
Oh, hello.

Audrey Bingham.
Oh, of course.

So nice to see you.

This is my husband Jeff.

You have a lovely home.
Thank you.

Audrey, I saw the layout you did
for next month's issue.

Fantastic.

Hey.
Oh, thank you.

I was really trying to--

Sweet! Rangers just won!

My-- My husband's at the game.

They scored twice
in the last two minutes.

Oh, he said
it was incredible.

Are you a Rangers fan?

I am, so I'm thrilled
to hear your news.

Thank you for sharing that.

Great night, huh?

You know, my company
has excellent seats,

so maybe you and your husband
would like to join us for...

a game sometime.

Definitely take you up on that.
So good to see you again.

And nice to meet you, Jeff.
Excuse me.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the
game, but I am so proud of you.

It's all right.

[COUGHS]

Oh.
It's all right.

Crying because you heard
what happened in the game?

God, I hope so.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Amazing, huh?

[LAUGHS]
Thank God I recorded it.

It's unbelievable.

Now I get why you guys like
to watch things over and over,

even though you already know
the outcome.

I don't think I'll
get tired of this.

CROWD [CHANTING]:
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

[RECORDER BEEPS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]