Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Surrogate - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Timmy,
it's fantastic.

Oh, yeah. Timmy, it's
the coolest wedding website

I've ever seen.
And I've seen four.

Thanks.

Ah, well, there she is.

The Nard-Crusher 2000.

Adam, you didn't tell me it was
Bring a Hobbit to Work Day.

Enough with the pleasantries.
What are you doing here?

Timmy built us
a wedding website

so we could keep our friends
updated on our plans.



"Two Losers and a Cake Dot Lame"
wasn't available?

All right.
Let's see what we have here.

"This is Our Story."

"This is the Proposal."

This is the happiest
day of my life.

Oh, I don't remember
that one.

No, this is the happiest
day of my life. Ha!

Timmy, I have hours
of mocking in front of me.

Hold all my calls.
No one calls you, sir.

Ha-ha.
Let me check this out.

"Jennifer, so soft and warm
on my arm.

My lucky charm,

my chicken parm."

Oh, my God!
It's a poem!



This dude wrote a poem!
Ha-ha!

He's like a gay
Walt Whitman.

[LAUGHS]

Walt Whitman was gay.

Not this gay.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

Hey.

What's wrong? Oh, do they
don't have that soup I like?

[SIGHS]

No, I'm bummed because we just
met with another surrogate

and we're just
having no luck.

I didn't knew you guys
were getting a surrogate.

Yes. I told you after
the last in vitro didn't take

we were gonna
look into surrogacy.

Are you sure it was me?

Yes, it was right
in this booth.

You'd just come from having
a haircut and I was--

Oh, yes, I remember.

You said my hair looked really
cute, kind of like Megan Fox.

And I said that's what I was
going for and then you were--

You cannot recall
one thing about the surrogacy,

but you got the whole
haircut transcript?

Megan Fox.

That's not unhot.

We've been meeting
with these different women

and you know instantly

you don't want them carrying
your baby.

Yeah, the last one
was too short.

Not my type.

You do know you don't get
to have sex with the surrogate.

Uh, you're not hearing me.
I don't want to.

[MOUTHS]
Too short.

It doesn't matter anyway.

I'm certain to give up hope
we'll find anybody.

Oh, my cousin used a surrogate
and just loved her.

Went on and on about her.
I could get her number.

This just occurred
to you now?

I'm sorry, Audrey.

Sometimes I'm not
a good listener.

I told you I'm not
the only one spacing out

during your stories.
You know?

You gotta
pick up the pace.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

You know, some of this websites
have little mottos.

Maybe ours should have one.
Uh, well, what kind of motto?

Well, this one says "A day
of love, an eternity of loving."

Wow, that's great.
You know, honey,

I don't even wanna
try to top that. Yeah.

You don't seem as into
the website as you were before.

You know, I just feel
like it's kind of played.

You know? I mean...

I mean, everyone's like, just
a little burned out over it.

It's been up
for six hours.

This is about Russell,
isn't it?

Of course it is.
Honey, he never stops.

I mean, all day I was
10 seconds away from tears.

Honey, Russell's an immature,
pathetic little troll.

You love
our wedding website.

Don't let his stupid comments
wreck it for you.

Okay, I'll try.
Now, come look.

This morning I posted
that picture of us at the beach

sharing
an ice cream cone.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God!
Aah!

That is not
an ice cream cone.

Ugh. Russell.

Oh, God, you're back.
What took you so long?

I went out to get the doughnuts.

No!

God! No doughnuts.

Why no doughnuts?

I talked to Jen's cousin
about the surrogate.

She sounds perfect.
Too good for doughnuts.

We can't let her think
we eat doughnuts for breakfast.

If she's gonna be
with us for nine months,

it's gonna come out.

Ah. Look, I'm really
excited about this girl.

She's a college grad, she comes
from a very good family.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, Aah. That's her.

Okay. Please, Jeff,
I want this so badly.

Let's give it
our best shot, okay?

Hey, I already gave it
my best shot

into that cup
at the clinic.

That's doughnut humor.

Ahem.

Hi, I'm Pam Nelson.
Hi.

Oh, hi,
Audrey Bingham.

So nice to meet you.
This is my husband, Jeff.

Pleasure.
Hey, there.

Wow, you have
a beautiful apartment.

Oh, thank you.
And doughnut-free.

Please, have a seat.

So...

I understand you're interested
in leasing out my uterus.

Just kidding.
It's a little surrogate joke.

Oh, ha. Ha-ha-ha!

That's so funny.
Isn't that funny?

Tell us
another surrogate joke.

I really
only have the one.

That's one more than
that short gal out in Jersey.

So here's my deal.

I've carried one child so far
and it was amazing.

I felt like I was giving such a
wonderful gift to that family

that I just really wanna
do it again.

Oh. That's
a beautiful story.

Wow. Yes, it was.

And not to mention tight,
to the point.

The kind of story
someone might remember.

So is there anything else you
would like to know about me?

Well, in regards to your
health history, uh--

Jeff, little personal,
isn't it?

I love your shirt.
Where did you get it?

Yeah, that's more of
what we need to know.

[LAUGHS]

I like you guys.

You're kidding.

At the risk of sounding
a little nutty,

I get vibes from people,

and, uh, I feel very
comfortable around you.

Did you hear that?

I'm sitting here,
closer to her than you.

AUDREY:
Right. Okay.

So, what's the next step?

Well, to be honest, there is
another couple in the mix.

And I've met with them,
and I really like them too.

Really?

Let me ask you this.
Did the other couple

provide any kind of snack
or baked good?

Just some water.

Oh, my God,
we have that.

How many--?
How much do you want?

No, I-- I'm fine.
Thank you, though.

Um,
so once we're finished here,

I'm gonna go home,
I'm gonna think everyone

and them I'm gonna let everybody
know my decision tomorrow,

if that's okay with you?

That would be fine.
No, pick us now.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right, listen up.
That website was dedicated

to the most important day
of Jen's and my life,

and you are gonna stop
your stupid, tasteless jokes.

I'm sorry,
I was just kidding around,

but if I went too far,
I apologize.

I didn't meant to upset you.

Well...

that's okay.

Uh, apology accepted.

Actually, I've decided
I'm gonna help you

spread the joy of your website
with as many people as possible.

Especially
after seeing this new video

that Jen just posted.
What new video?

It's literally
my favorite thing ever.

What the-- No, no.
She posted that?

I thought I erased it.
[LAUGHS]

Well, you didn't.

And you should've.

♪♪ Something inside me
Makes me love you ♪♪

It's nice.

♪♪ Baby, give me all you got ♪♪

A little greedy.

♪♪ When you put
Your love inside me ♪♪

♪♪ It always hits
My special spot ♪♪

No! No! My-- My heart!

My special spot
is my heart.

I'm sure that's what everyone
I e-mailed it to thinks.

You know what? I don't give a
crap about what anybody thinks.

I am proud of everything
on that website

and you're not gonna
ruin it for me.

Well done in there,
Mr. Rhodes.

The way you stood up
to Mr. Dunbar's bullying

will make Jennifer proud.
Thank you.

Oh, uh, Mr. Rhodes,
I have some mail for you.

Should I put it on your desk
or in your special spot?

Take it down.

I'm sorry?
The website.

Crash it.

Crash it hard.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Well, this really
was a pleasure.

For us too.
And thank you

for all the water.

I'll think of you
every time I pee.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hilarious.

Okay. Bye, funny Pam.

Oh, my God,
she's the greatest.

Don't you think-- How did
you get those so fast?

You're already through one?

Yeah.

One.

Anyway, how was I?

Some of your comments
were a bit...needy.

Like what?
Well,

when you likened her uterus
to a cathedral.

Ah. I was nervous.

Is that why you did
those 17 lady pushups?

No, I wanted to show her
how strong my eggs were.

I'm not sure
that was the takeaway.

Oh, God, it was a disaster.

She's gonna pick
the other people.

There's gotta be
something else we can do.

Well, the doughnut ship
has sailed.

Hey, what if we
offer her more money?

You know,
grease her a little.

We're trying to get a baby,
not a table near a window.

[SIGHS]

I just--
I just want her to pick us.

Being so close makes me realize
how much I want a baby.

Yeah, so do I.

But it's out of our hands.
If it's meant to be, it'll be.

Right?
Yeah, yeah.

You're right.
Maybe it is meant to be.

[WHISPERING]
Hi, Pam, listen.

I'm sorry to call so late,
but if there's anything

we could do that might make
your decision easier,

like, I don't know,
maybe an extra $5000--

[DOOR OPENS]
Oh, God.

Hm.
I thought that we agreed

to leave this thing alone.
Oh, come on.

How can you be so naive?

Pam's never
gonna pick us.

Why do you say that? You don't
even know the other people.

I don't have to.

Look at us.

We're not good.

What can we offer a child,
besides food and shelter?

And with you at the table,
it might just be shelter.

You gotta calm down.

Jeff, we're gonna lose!

Game over.
Thanks for playing, Binghams.

I see. And you thought
another 5 grand

would even the playing field?
Uh, I don't know.

But it's better than:

[IMITATING JEFF]
"If it's meant to be,
it will be."

There's no need

to drag my velvety baritone
through the mud.

And for the record,
even though I do eat a lot,

I would always leave
a little something for the baby.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, sweetie,
what are you doing here?

Oh. Our website is down.
What?!

Yes, it seems
to have crashed.

No!

It can't--
It can't be!

How could you have
let this happen, Timmy?

Be more incompetent next time!

I'm sorry, Mr. Rhodes.

Oh, well.
Grab some lunch?

You know you've never been
able to lie to me.

Yes, I have.

That's not true,
I haven't.

Did you have
something to do with this?

No.
Really?

Damn, you always ask
such good follow-up questions.

Honey, I know the website
meant a lot to you.

But you don't have
to face Russell every day.

He's so mean.

Why do you let him
get to you?

Just ignore him.

Hey, guys. Bad day for gayness.
Your website's down.

But luckily, not before I was
able to print this picture

with some slight
modifications.

Oh, my God!
You didn't.

I kinda did.

You see that?

He's kneeling down
in front of you,

but he's not proposing.
Ha-ha!

You're such
a dirtbag jackass.

Hey, wait. Whoa, whoa.
Let's keep it professional.

Sir, at the risk
of spoiling your fun,

may I remind you you're running
late for your appointment.

Oh, crud.

What time are you expected
back on the Dutch Boy can?

Touché, you got me
on that one.

Timmy, I need you
to hand these out

to everyone in the building,

and randomly on the subway
on your way home.

[CHUCKLES]

Well,
this is somewhat awkward,

but I do have
my marching orders.

Thanks, Timmy.

Fair enough.

There's got to be something
we can do to stop him.

But how?
Perhaps I could be

of assistance. You see,
what you need here is leverage.

But we have none.

Not at the moment.

But you might gain some,
if we act quickly.

Okay. Okay, we better help you
pass out these fliers

so we can get going.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

What's that?

Is someone here?

Smile and say
"super cheesy."

No!

No! Don't!
Get out of here! No!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay.

So, what do you want?

Well, I want you to stop
insulting our website,

ever print or alter
any photos from it,

and don't change the lyrics
of our first-dance song

to make it sound gay.

[SIGHS]

Do what you want.

But every person
in our company directory

will see all of these photos,
including this one.

Honey.
The caption was my idea.

"Must be chilly
in a tanning booth."

That's not fair.
It was very cold in there.

Nowhere is it that cold.

[LAUGHS]

So do we have
an agreement?

[SIGHS AND BLABBERS]

Fine.

I'll stay away from your
stupid website, all right?

Are you guys happy now?

Yeah.

Jen?
You know what?

I thought I would be,
but I'm not.

These pictures are
too good not to share.

Really? Well, that would mean
the end of our wedding website.

Oh, screw the website.
It is kind of gay.

And send.

There's no way
you just really sent that.

Oh, good Lord!

I kinda did.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[HAIR-DRYER WHIRRING]

You're really
still gonna use that?

It's just water.

Toilet water.

Your phone was in a toilet.

I mean, if that's not time
to hit the Verizon store,

I don't know what is.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, look, someone's calling
on the dry one.

Hello?

Oh, hey.
How are you?

Fine, sure. Come on up.

Who was that?
That's Pam.

And she's in the lobby.

And, uh, she's
on her way up.

Oh, my God! What do you
think she wants?

Wait. How's my hair?
It's fine.

Well, yours isn't.
You've got bed head.

What if she finds
out I sleep in a bed?

Oh, God.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[MUMBLES]

Hi, Pam. Nice to see you.

You too. May I come in?

Sure, of course. Yeah.

Okay, so here's the thing.

Last night I got a voicemail
from a woman.

She didn't say who she was and
I couldn't recognize her voice,

but she was offering me
an additional $5000

to carry her baby.
I was very disappointed.

Huh. Do you have any friends
who are practical jokers?

I don't.

That's too bad,
you're missing out.

So I went to the other woman,
Sandra,

and she swore that
she didn't make that call.

So do you have something
you'd like to say to me?

Yes.

Uh, I'd like to say that

I'm disgusted Sandra
would stoop to that level.

Well,
one of you made the call.

Since nobody wants to admit it,
I don't feel comfortable

offering either of you
my services.

Really?

For me, surrogacy
is not about the money.

It's about the feeling I get
doing a selfless act

for deserving people
who otherwise wouldn't

be able to have a child.

But in this case,
the word "deserving"

doesn't seem to apply.

I'm gonna go.

Uh, Pam, wait.
Wait, wait, wait!

Just-- I'm the one
who made the call.

Jeff tried to talk me
out of it.

And I wouldn't listen
to him.

You don't hear that
too often.

I just--
I couldn't stand waiting

and not being able
to do anything.

But I can't let another couple
pay for my mistake.

You should--
You should pick them.

Then that's
what I'm gonna do.

Take care, Audrey.

Pam, could you
wait a minute, please?

Did you see
what my wife did?

She came clean.
Because deep down, she's honest.

It's very deep down,
and sometimes it takes a while

to come to the surface.

Jeff--
Let me-- Let me finish.

Did Audrey's screws come loose
in the middle of the night?

You betcha.

The way I see it,

her only crime
is wanting it too much.

And someone who wants it that
much would make a great mom.

A great supplier
of a baby

to fester up
down there in your region.

Now, that's very moving.

Up until "fester."

Look, I truly hope
that you guys

have the family
that you want someday.

But that doesn't change
the fact that she thought

I would compromise my morals
for $5000.

What if we made it 10?

I'd say
it's not gonna work.

Okay.

For Sandra and Duane.

Congratulations.
You're gonna be parents!

Oh, my God!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay, bye. Take care.
See you.

Hey, how you doing?
Russell Dunbar.

Pam Nelson.
Ah.

Do you live
in the building, Pam?

No, just doing some business
with people who do.

Delightful.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Here we go.

So this, uh, business be
bringing you back here much?

Yes, actually it will.

How fortuitous.

No!

Is something wrong?
Ah.

God, I hope not.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]