Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 11 - Reunion - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

What would you give me if I put
this whole waffle in my mouth?

An uncontested divorce.

Oh, God.

What, are you, uh, getting
in shape for ice-dancing season?

No. I mean,
these things are sweet, man.

You get places faster,
save money on cabs,

and, actually,
it's good exercise.

JENNIFER:
It's fantastic.

We can't walk together,
and he always smells.

You should get a pair.
I could say the same about you.



I'm just saying, man, we could
blade together this weekend.

We're going to Nebraska.

Or else
I totally would have.

We're going to my
high school reunion.

Jeff finally get a good deal
on airfare?

We're leaving at 5:00 a.m.,
connecting through Calgary.

Hey, I offered her
a nonstop,

but Queen Audrey here's
too good for Greyhound.

Anyway, I couldn't make it
to my 10-year reunion,

so I'm looking forward
to this one.

It'll be nice to go back
as an adult,

because you know high school.

I never felt like I was
as good as everybody else.

Oh, of course you were.



Well, how do you know?
You weren't there.

You really think you need
to protect that brain?

[LAUGHING]
I finally feel like
I'm in a good place.

You know,
living in a great city,

I have a great career,
I have a-- Marriage.

Yeah, so now you get to go
rub that in their faces.

Oh, no, it's not about rubbing
anything in anyone's face.

I mean, I won't have to.
I'm sure they've already heard.

It's just about, you know,
reconnecting with old friends.

And sprinting through
the Calgary Airport.

Our layover
is four minutes.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

TIMMY:
Okay, thank you.

Sir, I've just booked your
massage for this afternoon.

Did you check her license?

Yes. She doesn't have one.

Well, this afternoon
ain't gonna help her get one.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, if there's
nothing else...

One more thing, Timmy.
Yes, sir. Am I fired?

No, I was just checking
my schedge,

and I'm free tonight.

What say you and I go out,
get some steaks,

martinis, and see where
the night takes us?

While I appreciate
your hopefully unintentional

homoerotic invitation,
I'm otherwise engaged.

Um, with what?

If you must know,
I'm having a dinner party.

Mm. Sounds lame.

And, honestly,
I can't make it.

I'm booked solid.

But you just said
that you had no--

Nothing. Never mind.

You're not invited anyway.

Uh, just out of curiosity,

why wouldn't I be invited,
hypothetically?

It's not hypothetical.
You're literally not invited.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I can't believe you skated
over a subway grate.

What were you thinking?

I wasn't thinking.

I was on a blader's high.

Ooh, nothing douchey
about that.

So, what say
the three of us

go out tonight,
grab some steaks,

some martinis, and see where
the night takes us?

Is he hitting on us?

We're going out,
just the two of us.

Why do you want to hang out
with us anyway?

Shouldn't you be out
trolling for skanks?

Yes, but I had
a little, uh, problem

while manscaping, and, uh,
I gotta close up shop

till things get back to normal
down there.

Why don't you spend some time
by yourself?

Doing what?

Go for a walk.

Where am I going?

I don't know.

Just go until your
ankle bracelet starts beeping

and turn around.

So I just walk aimlessly
around the city?

Yes.

How do I know
when I'm finished?

Oh, my God.

Jen, Jen, you're--
You're wasting your time.

Russell can't be alone.

What are you talking about?
I love being alone.

In fact,
I'm gonna go be alone right now.

Who wants to come?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Ah.

Why do you keep
doing that?

My ears still haven't popped
from the flight.

Knock it off.
You look crazy.

Sorry. I know you want to
impress all your old classmates.

Yes, by not having
a special-needs husband.

Hey, I had a special need
on the flight,

but Queen Audrey's too good
to reach under my blanket.

Shh! There was someone
sitting between us.

Not on the Calgary-Omaha leg.

Oh, there's Cheryl.
She was one of my best friends.

We were cheerleaders
together.

What'd she cheer for?
More ribs?

Be nice.

These are good people.

Cheryl.

How are you?

Audrey. Hi.

Good to see you.

Oh, great to see you.
It's been so long.

Yeah. It is something.

Would you excuse me? I need
to make more name tags.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Well, we'll catch up later.

That was a reunion
of best friends?

Pretty weak.

Oh, yeah.

At your reunion,
your old friend Rube

greeted you by implying that he
continues a sexual relationship

with your mother.
[LAUGHING]

My mom could do a lot worse
than that crazy bastard.

Look, I'm just saying,

Cheryl was probably
a little intimidated by me

because I made it out of here
and moved to the big city.

Now, I bet we'll see
a lot of that tonight,

so let's try to be
a little sensitive to it.

You got it. If...

Gonna ask for something
on the flight home?

You got it.

Matt.

Audrey?

Hi.

Wow.
Oh.

You look great.
Oh, thanks.

This is my wife, Lori.
AUDREY: Hi.

Nice to meet you.

This is my husband, Jeff.

Hi. How are you?

Audrey and I were on
debate team, and she was good.

No matter how logical
your argument,

she could always argue
the opposite.

You don't say.

So, what have you
been up to?

I heard you guys
live in New York.

Oh, yeah, but, you know,
no big deal.

Oh, I love New York.
I wish we could get there more.

Oh, hey, there's nothing wrong
with right here.

It kills me to know our
apartment's sitting there empty.

Sitting where empty?

Oh, New York.

You have an apartment
in New York?

Well, it's just a little
three-bedroom

on Central Park South.

Holy crap.

We can't even afford to walk
on Central Park South.

[AUDREY LAUGHS]

He's kidding.

We can walk there.

And could you imagine
having a third bedroom?

Uh, well, we-- We do have
that alcove/den area.

And an inflatable mattress.
So it's really like having

a third bedroom.
No, we popped that mattress.

The time we threw down
on it.

The neighbor downstairs--

Uh, he got nervous
that a gun went off.

[ALL LAUGH]

Anyway, wow,
it's great seeing you.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, they seem nice.

What are you doing?

We can't walk
on Central Park South?

I was just making
conversation.

A conversation that implies
we're squatting on skid row

with a popped air mattress!

Wait a minute.

First, you don't want to rub it
in anybody's face,

and now you do?
I don't want to brag about it,

but it's all right
to let people know

how well things turned out.

But not by saying it directly.
Just do that.

Okay.

Audrey Curtis.

Heather.

Oh, good to see you.

It's actually
Audrey Bingham now.

This is my husband, Jeff.

What's up?

I love your suit.

Oh, thanks, I got it
at a fancy store,

but on sale, so it's like
getting it from a regular store.

So we're normal.

Talk to Audrey now.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

[GRUNTING]

What a delightful
surprise, sir.

Timmy, I hope
I'm not intruding.

Oh, not at all. And to what do
we owe the pleasure?

Oh, I was just out walking
around, you know, by myself,

as people do,
and, uh, well,

it's a good thing
I showed up.

Got room for one more
at the least supper?

Actually, sir...

This is Sarah.
Ah, Russell.

Nice to meet you.

Actually, sir,
you've met.

Yeah, I sell sandwiches
in the office.

Mm. I'll take your word
for it.

Wait!

What are you two
doing here?

Why didn't you tell me this was
where you were going?

We knew you couldn't
be alone,

and Timmy was afraid
you'd actually show up.

Oh, like I have nothing better
to do than come over...

Oh.

Well, this is terrific.

It's nice to be here
amongst friends.

What stinks?

Actually, sir,
the vindaloo,

which I've been preparing
for the last six hours,

is what stinks.

Ooh!

Well, set your dial
to gratitude.

I'm about to show you why
it's good I showed up.

What are you gonna do?
Save this party

by airing this mother out.

Don't open the--

[LOUD CRASH]

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

Don't open the what?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Who knew that Nebraska shrimp
were so fantastic?

Boy, some of my classmates
are doing really well.

No divorces, no alcoholics,
no plastic surgeries gone awry.

I'm so happy
for everyone.

Oh, my God,
there's my old boyfriend Bob.

Ha! Chubby. I win.

He was so in love with me,

and I dumped him
right before prom.

I still feel guilty.
This is one guy

I definitely do not want
to brag to.

I mean, why throw salt
in the wound?

All right.

Ahem, has he seen me yet?

Jeff.

Jeff. Jeff--

Bob, hi.
Hey!

Wow.
Audrey.

How are you?
I'm doing well.

You look great.
Oh, thanks.

[LAUGHS]

What have you been up to?

Oh, I own a computer consulting
firm with my wife.

She's around here somewhere.
What about you?

Oh, I, uh,
live in New York.

I'm married. My husband, Jeff,
is right over--

[GROANING]

Bob, this is Jeff,
my, you know.

Hi, Bob.

Audrey, Jeff,
this is my wife, Ellen.

Hi.

Whoa.

I was just telling Ellen

about how Audrey was the one
that got away.

Oh, Bob, looks like you did
just fine.

I'd high-five you,
but my hands are all shrimpy.

So do you two have children?

Three boys.
No way, did you adopt?

No, we had them
the old-fashioned way.

Ooh, nice snapback, huh?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

God, get your smelly man foot
off the table.

I'm supposed
to keep it elevated.

Yuck, at least get your gross,
dirty sock out of here.

TIMMY:
Vindaloo time.

JENNIFER:
Oh, my God.

I know. I couldn't do that again
if I tried!

Well, the vindaloo's ruined.

Why don't I fetch the rice

and see if you can score
a three-pointer

with your underpants.

It only touched
the top part, Timmy.

We can eat around it.

Yeah. Let's eat around
the filthy sock. Me first.

Let's not overreact.

All right, I mean,
take a whiff.

Does it really smell
any worse?

And seriously, I think the real
victim here is the sock.

[LAUGHING]
You're funny.

I'm funny. Oh, yeah? You
thinking what I'm thinking?

She's already
into sandwiches.

[LAUGHS]

I am never thinking
what you're thinking.

No one is.

Everybody just
calm down, okay?

We can salvage this.

Ah, yes, the phrase every host
longs to hear.

Sorry. How--
How can I help?

The aroma of the garbage isn't
adding to the experience.

I don't know if it's detracting
from it either.

Perhaps you wouldn't mind taking
it to the trash chute.

You got it, buddy.

Not a problem.

Welcome back, sir.
What'd I miss?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

See you.
You're the man, Bob.

You act like you've never seen
a beautiful woman before.

Hey. I see one every day.

She works at that flower shop
on our block.

Hey.
[SIGHS]

What's the matter?
Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. I'm super.
Having a great time.

All right,
because if you weren't,

I would remind you
I think that you're perfect.

You got nothing to prove.
Well, that's sweet,

but I don't know why
you're saying that.

I know I have nothing to--
Oh, there's Cheryl.

I heard she's still
a check-out girl.

I'm gonna go ask
like I don't know

and then make her say it.

Cheryl.

Hey.

We didn't get a chance
to catch up before.

How are you?
And where do you work?

I'm fine, and I'm still
a checker at the Grocery Depot.

Wow. There you go.

Yeah.

So I-I saw your mom recently,

and she said that you work
at Indoor Living magazine.

Oh, yes,
it is a great job.

You know what? By the way,
I'm sorry if I was short before.

I just surprised that you wanted
to talk to me.

Oh, please,

I am not so successful
that I have forgotten

who my friends are.

I mean because I slept with Bob
when you two were going out.

E-excuse me?

I mean, that's why
you broke up, right?

No, I broke up with him because
I thought I could do better.

So how's that working out
for you?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Well, I appreciate
you all coming.

Oh. Thanks for inviting us.

Yeah.

Good try, Timmy.

Sarah, um,

so sorry things didn't work out
as I'd hoped, you know?

Perhaps a rain check?

Oh, yeah, maybe.

We'll see.

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

You don't need
the goofy glasses

to read between those lines,
do you?

Stee-rike.

Are you mad?

Oh, you're mad.

Look, to me, the die was cast
when you invited everyone over

to your shoebox
to eat vindapoo.

But to the extent
that I'm responsible

for some of the things--

He's still talking.
Unbelievable.

Uh, Tim,

it's a little rude

to clean up while you still
have guests here.

You're not
one of my guests.

Why, sir? Why on earth
would you come here tonight

when I spent so much time,
so much energy, so much effort

making it perfectly clear
you weren't invited?

Maybe I have trouble
being alone.

And why is that my problem?

[SIGHS]
It's not.

I just knew that if I, uh,

you know, came over here,
you'd let me in.

So I'm really sorry.

Well, I know that wasn't easy
for you to say, sir.

And know that your intentions
weren't malicious,

so apology accepted.

Yeah?

That's nice.

Well, let me
make it up to you.

How about we get out of here
and go somewhere with A/C

and I'll buy you a drink?

All right.
I'd appreciate that.

Okay, then.

Let's have a little fun,

forget about this crazy--

Oh, come on!

Ah!

[SIGHS]

What are you
in the mood for?

Your call, sir.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I just found out that
while Bob and I were dating,

he was sleeping with Cheryl.

No! Oh!

Come on, Bobber,
you're better than that.

This is unbelievable.
I know, right?

I mean, from you to Cheryl
to his wife. I mean...

The guy's got range.

Why don't these people
get it?

Calm down, Audrey.
I'm not gonna calm down.

I got out of this jerkwater burg
and they didn't.

I wanted them all to be
miserable and broken,

but, no, they had to be happy
and satisfied with their lives.

Oh, for God's sake,
my old boyfriend has a wife

that I would do.

Look, who cares what any
of these people think?

I love you.

And isn't that all
that really--?

Oh, save it.

I just wanted to come back
a winner.

It's like everybody's a winner
except me.

Sure makes the husband
feel good.

I'm sorry.
I know you're trying,

and I appreciate it,
but let's go.

WOMAN:
Everyone get out
your raffle tickets.

It's time to give away
the big prize.

And the winning number is

2-7-4.

2-7-4, that's you.
You won.

What? I did?
Yeah. Go on up there.

I won?

[GIGGLING]

Oh, the winner
is Audrey Bingham!

[ALL APPLAUD]
I'm the winner.

[LAUGHING]

What did I win?

I think we're all gonna be
pretty jealous of you.

Really?

That's fantastic.

Thanks to the generosity
of Matt and Lori Morrison,

you're gonna spend
a glamorous weekend

in their beautiful three-bedroom
apartment in New York City.

[ALL APPLAUD]
JEFF: Oh, my God!

Central Park South! Whoo!

Yeah!

Come on! Oh!

Jeff, I'm not comfortable
with this.

Comfortable?
This is Central Park South.

It doesn't get more comfortable
than this.

No, I mean, it's--
It's their apartment,

and Matt and Lori--
Rule. They totally rule.

They got a bidet,
steam shower,

a fantastic view
of the poor people.

I don't think I could enjoy
myself here all weekend.

All right?
Come on, we're out of here.

Okay, I'll see you
Sunday at 7:00.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]