Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 1 - Flirting - full transcript

Here you go, Jeff. Enjoy.

Yeah.
Russell.

What's up with you
and Doreen?

She asked me what I did
this weekend.

And?

And I told her.

[CHUCKLING]

AUDREY:
Hey.

Hey.
Where's my food?

This isn't a magic diner.

You have to tell the waitress
what you want.



I texted you my order
10 minutes ago.

Why do you have such a problem
with texting?

It's for teenage girls.

I text all the time.

And guys
with teenage-girl hair.

[AUDREY LAUGHS]

I think you would
embrace texting.

You hate actually talking
to other human beings.

I do dislike people.

I'm just old school.
That's all.

You don't like pushing buttons
with your gorilla thumbs.

[GRUNTING]

With your baby hands, it's like
you're actually typing.

All right, well, you're missing
out, Magilla, all right?



I control my whole universe with
this thi--

Oh, my God,
where's my phone?

Oh, no, I left it at
that girl's apartment.

Right next
to the chloroform?

Why don't you just wait till she
comes to and then go get it?

Not so easy.

See, uh, we had what's called
a one-night stand,

and, uh, she should be realizing
that right about now. Ha-ha!

Did you come here
straight from her place?

Yeah.

Put that hand away, brother.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right, seriously,

you have got to get better
about texting.

It will help us
communicate.

We've been married
for 14 years.

What is there left to say?

It's not so I can enjoy
your sparkling wit.

It's for scheduling doctor's
appointments and stuff.

Ooh, you finally gonna tweak
the old lady's rack?

No.

Sorry. No!

They're fertility doctors.

Right, your marriage
is at the point

where you like to introduce
new characters.

So, what's the plan?

We have a consultation
to discuss it today.

Here, I texted you
the info.

Oh, here it is. Hey, hit "read"
for me, Thumbelina.

ALL:
Hey.

What's in the bag?
Jen let you take

your nards out
for a walk?

Adam does whatever he wants
with his nards.

Mm. I bet.

Actually, they're our
save-the-date cards.

ALL:
Ooh.

Yeah, I got 200 STDs
right here.

[LAUGHS]

Don't worry, Russell.
You still got him beat.

I hope your wedding
doesn't conflict

with a major sports
championship game.

Whenever it is,
the chances of me going

are proportioned to the hotness
of the bridesmaids.

What if you're not invited?
Does that factor in?

No, just bridesmaid hotness,
I think.

Well, as so often happens
around here,

I've lost my appetite.
Excuse me.

I'm gonna come with you.

Bye, honey. Mwah.

So you've set a date.

♪♪ Ba-ba-bum ♪♪

Oh, come on,
it's not a big deal.

Not a big deal.
You wanna take this?

No, you go ahead.

Now you're like an inmate
on death row.

Okay,
do we have to do this?

Appeals going,
you might get a new trial.

Maybe they'll overturn
the death penalty.

So you spend a lot of time
reading,

maybe get an hour a day
in the yard.

It's all good, right?

I'm not hearing anything
I disagree with.

Till one day
the chief screw calls.

They've set a date.
Date for you to go to the chair.

Or lethal injection.
Or lethal injection. Sure.

Then it all becomes
very real.

Every rise of the sun,

every tick of the clock,

it gets closer.

[WHISPERING]
Closer to the date.

You ready?
Aah!

Aah!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, what the hell?

What are you doing
in my office?

I thought I'd come by so we
could hang out a bit.

Look, we just hung
in the diner,

and, uh, I'm not sure
we like each other this much.

I gotta say,
your company's Internet filter

is pretty tough,
but check this out.

Oh, no!

The human body's
pretty stretchy.

Ha-ha!
[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Excuse me. Hey, Jeff,
this was in your in-box.

Thank you.
Sasha, this is Russell.

Hi, Russell.
Hey.

Nice to meet you.
Oh, wow, look at this.

This is nice.

What is this?

Shirt.

[LAUGHS]

You're so funny.

A bunch of us
are going to lunch together.

You should come.

Got a training session
at the gym,

but thank you.

Oh, well,
don't work out too hard.

You'll bust
right out of that.

Oh, I'm not
gonna wear this.

I got a T-shirt.

[LAUGHS]

Funny.

All right,
maybe next time.

See you later.
JEFF: Later.

It was nice to meet you.
Yep.

Dude.

What?

She was totally
flirting with you.

No, she was not.

What?

"What's this?"

That was such a lame excuse
to touch you.

And, "You're gonna bust out
of that shirt."

And, "You're so funny."
You're not funny.

Huh.

She must not know
I'm married.

Well, your ring is buried under
that thatch of knuckle hair.

But there's a picture of you
and your wife right there.

Am I guilty of something?

No.

This is standard
office behavior.

A little bit of good,
harmless fun.

But you might want to throw
the flirt back at her.

I can do that?
Oh, yeah,

with lines like "Shirt."

Come on, you're married.
You're not dead.

Hit the ball back
once in a while.

She did kind of smell
like peaches a little.

There you go.
That's not creepy at all.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Timmy, how's it going?

Sir, I've been in your employ
long enough to know

that you don't really care.

Exactly.

Listen, I need you
to do something for me.

Ah, yes, the phrase
that has launched

some of the worst days
of my life.

What do you need, sir?

Listen, I had a one-night stand,
left my phone there,

need you to go grab it.

That should only take
a minute,

something I'm sure
she's used to by now.

Here's the address. It's on a
little table by the front door.

So, what's the young lady's
name?

Stupid question.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

All right.

I look forward
to seeing you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hey, these were
on the printer for you.

Oh, thank you.

I'd ask
how your workout was,

but I can see
that it was good.

You can? Because today
was calf and quad day.

Oh, uh, thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT]

And your hair
is super shiny,

like freshly
Zambonied ice.

[LAUGHS]

Thanks.

I was beginning to wonder
if you noticed me at all.

Well, sure I did.
I mean, I'm married.

I'm not dead.

No, you certainly
are not.

In fact,
I think you might be

the last real man I know.

Thank you.

You got a pretty nice
lady setup going there.

Look, I'm gonna cut
to the chase.

Anytime you wanna
get together--

My place, a hotel.

--I'm up for it.

You just let me know.

I am dead.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Welcome!

Oh. Hello.

ALL:
Hello. How are you?

Are you here
for the Bible study group?

No, I'm--
I'm actually here

just looking for, um...

Is this 1053 Columbus Avenue,
Apartment 3G?

It is.

Then, yes, I am here

for the Bible study group.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

What?

I'm doing it. Why are you
calling me

to tell me to do
what I'm already doing?

Yeah, I'm stupid. I don't know
how to mail thank-you notes.

Thank-you notes, huh?

For our wedding gifts.

What do you got?
Save-the-date cards.

Pfft. Save the date.

Heh. Oh, what I wouldn't give
to be back at save the date.

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Good luck.

What now?

Oh, the market.
Okay, thanks for that tip.

I was gonna try to buy cheese
at the library.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGING]

Uh, hello.

You little jerk.

I flirted back
and she offered herself to me.

Anytime, anywhere.

You said this was
a harmless game.

Well, how was I to know there
was a second woman on Earth

that would risk
getting under you?

What am I supposed
to do now?

Just make a list of all
the things Audrey won't do

and, uh,
go bananas.

I'm not doing anything.
I'm happily married,

and Audrey would find out,
and then she'd kill me

and divorce me, and I'd lose
everything she made me buy.

How do I
shut this down?

All right, don't worry. I know
the perfect way to fix this.

All you have to do--
[RINGS]

Hang on. I got another call.
One second.

Uh, hello.

Oh, Bible study group?

Yes, well, it is possible
she joined today

in response to what happened
last night.

Regardless, your phone
was not on the table.

Well, just, uh, ask the girl
who lives there where it is.

Any way you can
narrow that down?

Brownish hair, smiley,

and a big fan
of the Russell muscle.

Goodbye.

Wait, no,
her name, seriously,

was, like...

Stacy. Tracy.

Lacey. I think.

Stacy? Tracy?

Lacey? Oh, brilliant.

[GROANS]

I have a feeling
I'm forgetting something.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, this is such
a lovely apartment.

I really must compliment
whoever lives here.

Oh, well, thank you.
That would be me.

Oh, great, I'm Timmy.
I'm Meghan.

Meghan. Not even close.

Excuse me?
Nothing.

Real pleasure meeting you.

Now, look, this is a somewhat
delicate matter,

but one I feel we can handle
most discreetly.

See, it does seem
as though--

Hey, sweetie.
I'm sorry I'm late.

Hi, honey. Timmy,
this is Miles, my fiancé.

Your fiancé.

Yes, we just got engaged
last week.

Just last week.

Wow.

It just keeps
getting better.

You wanted to see me, Jeff?

Yes.
Oh, well, good.

I wanted
to see you too.

Yes, about that.

I think we had a little
misunderstanding

earlier today with the, uh,
Zamboni hair and whatnot,

and I just wanted to make it
perfectly clear--

Hey, Jeff.
Oh, Audrey. Jeez.

Hey.
Mwah.

Hello.
Hi.

Hi. I'm Audrey,
Jeff's wife.

Sasha.
I work down the hall.

Way down the hall,

so we don't see much
of each other.

AUDREY:
Okay, so you ready to go?

Yes, ready to go.
Okay.

Uh, where?

I texted you.
The doctor.

Yes, doctor.
Fertility doctor.

Hm.
Gonna make a baby with my wife.

Oh, wow.
Congratulations.

Thank you.
It's nice to meet you.

I'm gonna use the ladies' room.
I'll go.

I-I got this one.

I'm sure
you'll be fine.

[LAUGHING]
I'll meet you at the elevator.

And there she goes.
My wife.

Married her
at a wedding.

Well, so, you know.

I do know.
Good.

Almost getting caught

makes it even hotter.

Call me.

[SIGHS]

Damn you,
calves and quads.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

JENNIFER:
Oh, hold it!

Hey.
Hey.

How was your appointment?

It was good. Good. The doctor
was really optimistic.

Great.
Yeah. I'm excited,

although the whole thing
is scary.

Yeah, like, what if the baby has
a really big head like Jeff?

Why is that scary?

Well...you know.

Oh.

Goodbye,
natural childbirth.

Anyway, you and Adam
finally set a date.

You must be so excited.

We're both
really psyched.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I tried to tell you this
in person.

"Perseverance"?

No! Stop finishing my words
for me.

"Person.

"But I don't want this
to happen ever.

"Let's just forget it
and never mention it again.

Jeff."

Send.

[SIGHS]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[RINGING]

Uh, hello.

TIMMY [OVER SPEAKER]:
Sir, I need you to call
your phone so I can locate it.

I've tried, but it goes
straight to voicemail.

Oh, yeah, sometimes
I block your number,

because I get tired
of the "guvnor"

and the "blimey" and the "shrimp
on the barbie" routine.

I'm from South Africa.

Just call your phone!

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, hey, man.
I gotta talk to you.

I am--
I am freaking out here.

I was thinking about
what you said

about me and Jen, right? And--
And you're still single--

Oh, hold that thought.
Me first.

I just have to call my cell
so Timmy can find it.

Because I had a little
rendezvous last night

with a little chicky.

I don't remember her name,
but that's not important.

Anyway, I snuck out of there
this morning,

and the light of day
was not her friend.

It was ra-ra-rough.

Regardless,
I left my phone there,

Which is a drag, because there's
a number in there

of this chick that got booted
out of Vassar

for binge-drinking.

Dude, this is the kind of stuff
you're giving up.

So even though
it's an obvious choice,

John 3:16 is the passage

by which I've chosen
to live my life.

[WOMEN SIGH]

MAN:
Amen, brother. Amen.

Okay, Timmy, you're up.

Hm.

My ears are a bit off.
Did anyone hear a phone ring?

ALL:
No.

No, I didn't
hear a thing.

I feel like
I'm forgetting something.

Very well.

Oh...

Well, uh, to be honest,
this is a bit tricky

because Terry took mine.

[ALL LAUGH]

The bit where God creates
the Earth is good.

Six days, well done.

And, um, Adam and Eve.

What can we say
about those nudists?

Saucy.

And, um...

Uh...

♪♪ Silent night ♪♪

♪♪ Holy night ♪♪

[IN FALSETTO VOICE]
♪♪ All is calm ♪♪

Timmy?
Yes?

What are you doing?

All right,

the truth is,

my boss left his cell phone here
last night,

and he sent me
to retrieve it.

Wait, you had a man here
last night?

Well...

Well, yes, I did, but--

You Jezebel.

No, Miles, I am just a woman
with needs.

We made a promise.
[PHONE RINGS]

My fingers were crossed.
Obviously your legs weren't.

As always,
perfect timing, sir.

Pleasure meeting you all,
really.

Lovely. And, um,

congratulations again
on your engagement,

if that's still, uh...

Good night.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, hon.

How could you?

How could you?

How could I what?

A text?

You tell me in a text?

I don't know
what you're talking--

You don't wanna have a baby?
What? Who said that?

You did.

"I don't want this
to happen ever.

Let's just forget it and never
mention it again. Jeff"

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no!

That was a mistake.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Come on, you couldn't
have had the guts

just to tell me
to my face?

No, you don't understand.

That text was meant
for somebody else.

It was?
Yes.

Yes, you know how bad I am
at texting.

It's--

It's these damn giant
gorilla paws!

So you do want to have a baby?
Yes. Of course.

I'm totally into having a baby.

Even two, if the first one
doesn't ruin our lives.

Really?

Yes, really.

Oh!

[LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]

Feel better?
Yeah.

Yeah?
[SNIFFLES]

Good.

That was rough.

[LAUGHS]

I need a beer.

So who was that text
supposed to go to?

That's a whole
nother story.

And, uh,
I wanna tell you.

But first...

Ah.

You're gonna laugh.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

What are those?

Our save-the-date cards.

You know,
what's missing on these?

Stamps.

Yes.

But that's okay.

We'll try again
tomorrow with...?

Stamps.

You know what this means.

Ah. No, what?

You're still on death row,

and the date has been set.

But what's this?

The phone rings.

Who could it be?

Oh, my God,
it's the governor.

What does he want?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]