Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 13 - Sex Toy Story - full transcript

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Honey, can you grab that?
I'm in the bathroom.

AUDREY:Coming.

Seriously?

I'm sorry. It's the women's
beach volleyball finals.

You should watch
those girls closely.

You're gonna need
to remember them later.

Hey.
Hey.

Can I keep this cake
in your fridge?

Sure.

Cake?



AUDREY:
Interesting.

Cake trumps bouncy boobs.

It's not for you,
it's for my party.

Oh, right, your little
"girls only" sex party.

No, it's an adult toy party,
I'm hosting it for my friend.

It's like a Tupperware party,
but with sex toys.

I'm not sure those are going
to keep your leftovers fresh.

Let me give you a hand
with that.

No, I will take it.

And no stealing a bite

and blaming it
on fridge mice again.

I really don't think Jeff's
going to want to eat that cake.

Please. I have yet to meet
the cake I didn't want to eat.

It's a weird shape.



Oh, come on!

Are you sure
you don't want a bite?

I don't want that thing
anywhere near my mouth.

That's an ironic
turn of events.

I got it from this erotic
dessert place downtown,

Masturbakers.

[LAUGHS]

I'll go put it
in the fridge.

Um, just to warn you,
you might get some shrinkage.

You can't always
blame it on the cold.

All right.
And I am gonna go try

and drink that image
out of my head.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Hey, so you're going
to the big perv party, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, just me, Jen,

and a bunch of women I'm going
to learn way too much about.

I don't judge any of those
ladies for buying that stuff.

Not everybody has access
to their very own sex machine.

[AUDREY MOANS]

If only I could turn off
the talking option.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Is that a new phone?Yeah.

What was wrong
with the old one?

I've had it
like three years.

In phone years, that's
two cans and a string.

Oh. It's Jen.

She wants me to bring over
wine glasses.

You texting now?
What are you, in high school?

What's the matter?
Everybody texts--

Shh.

I'm imagining you
in high school.

Ew.

Yeah. Yeah, you just--
You hurry along now.

Don't want to be late
for cheerleading practice.

Shut up.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Can I get a tall latte?

Single guys
are way too much trouble.

That's why I like
married guys.

They're easy,
and they won't tell anyone

because they don't want
to get caught.

I'm telling you, it's only
married guys for me.

Hey, honey...

Yeah.

Um, yeah. Yeah.

I love being married
to you too.

Uh-huh. Okay.

All right. Bye.

Ah, the wife.

You're married?

That obvious, huh?

Well, you just said you were
talking to your wife.

Oh, yeah.
That I was.

I wouldn't have pegged you
as married.

You just don't give off
that vibe.

Oh, that's funny.

Oh, I can't wait to get home
and tell that to the missus.

Yeah, the old
ball and chain, you know.

My better half.
Ha, ha.

She's probably home making
casseroles and...

Can I get an ETA
on that latte?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, so, yeah.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Aud.

Hello?

[SIGHS]

[VIBRATING]

[VIBRATING STOPS]

God! Audrey?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

What?
I'm just returning

your cake plate
and some leftover cake.

[SCOFFS]

Even in cake form
women ignore those.

So did Audrey
have a good time?

Maybe. Why?
What did Jen say?

Oh, nothing,
she passed out.

Too many penis coladas.
You know.

So, uh, did Jen
purchased anything?

No! No,
she doesn't need to.

She is all taken care of
in that department.

And that department
is sex.

Oh, yeah,
because you're so good.

Oh. Hey, you know?
The doctor actually said

she needed
to cut back a little.

To what? Just you?

Well, so, what did
Audrey buy?

What makes you think
Audrey bought anything?

I don't know. You guys
have been married forever.

Plus you're like 90.

I mean, I thought
you might need a little help,

like the sexual equivalent
of a hearing aid.

Well I don't.
And she doesn't.

Audrey's totally covered.

With all her needs
and whatnot.

[OBJECT VIBRATING]

What's that?

What?

Buzzing noise.

Cell phone.

Aren't you gonna
answer it?

No, that'd be rude.

We're right in the middle
of a conversation.

Well, shouldn't it go
to voice mail?

No, I have it set to, um--

"Just keep ringing."

Get out.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, Jen, good.

There you are. Okay.

I need you to tell me
the truth about something.

Yes. They're faking.

Ha, ha.
And I don't care.

I need you to look at me
and tell me

if you would believe
that I'm married.

Does this wife
need a green card?

No.

Is she blind?
No.

Mail order?
Head injury?

Clinically insane?
No, no, no.

Trying to get back
at her parents?

Aren't they all?

Look, no, I wouldn't believe
you're married.

Oh. Damn, I give out
such a single-guy aura.

See, I met this chick and she's
only into married guys.

Oh, she sounds
well-adjusted.

So I need to get
that beaten-down,

praying-for-sweet-death
married-guy vibe.

Why don't you just lie
and say you're married?

Um, because that's lazy
and disrespectful.

And I've already tried that and
I don't think she's buying it.

But I got us
a date for coffee,

and I'm already out
of miserable husband stories.

That's where you
come into the picture.

Oh, no.
I am not in the picture.

Your pictures are
sleazy and disgusting

and in the case
of that one you emailed me,

demeaning to both
little people and clowns.

[LAUGHS]

I can see how clowns
are bummed out,

but the little people
were having fun.

You made it your screen saver?
I gotta go.

No, no, no, wait.
Listen,

I need to get in
the mindset of a married guy.

How they think,
how they feel.

I need you to do me a favor.
Talk to me like a wife would.

No, I'm not doing
that for you.

That's good,
that's very realistic.

I'm going to write
some of this down.

You're an idiot.

Nice. More.

I can't even look
at your face right now.

[LAUGHS]

Slow down,
you're going too fast.

You're disgusting.
I gotta go.

I said
talk to me like a wife,

not one of my dates.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Whew. Eh?

Wow!

Huh?

Job well done.

[LAUGHING]
Yeah.

That was nice.

So would you describe yourself
as "satisfied,"

"extremely satisfied"
or "totally satisfied"?

[LAUGHS]

Look at you, still awake
and caring how it went.

Hey, I care.

In fact, I could go again.

Eventually.

[LAUGHS]

That's all right, babe.
I'm kinda tired.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Would you say "spent"?

Yeah, sure.

[CHUCKLES]

"Spent."

All right.

[OBJECT VIBRATING]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I don't believe this.

[VIBRATING SOUNDS]

Stop that right now!

What?

Overbrushing.
That's a serious problem.

What are you
talking about?

Okay, look,
I heard the buzzing

and I thought
that you were, uh...

I was what?

Look, I found
the little item

that you bought at the party
earlier, so--

[SIGHS]

That? That wasn't mine.

I grabbed Jen's bag
by mistake.

Oh. So wait, the--
The bag was Jennifer's?

Yeah.

Excellent.

Carry on.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.
Ah.

Make a reservation
for tonight.

Uh...

Make a res-- Then don't make
reservations for tonight.

All right. I gotta go.
Yeah.

Oh.

Why can't she
make a decision?

[GROANS]

What are you doing?

I'm getting great
"married guy" stuff here.

I want to learn everything
about you that says "I give up."

Hey, losers.

Oh, so how was your lady's
little dirty soiree?

Yes, Adam.
How was it?

Did anyone
buy anything last night

that we should know about?
Eh?

Jen bought a sex toy.

Oh!

Just one? I thought
she'd have

one of those big assassin
briefcases full.

[IMITATING BRIEFCASE LOCKS
UNLATCHING]

[WHISTLES]

Stop it. No.

No. She's never
had one before.

who needs a sexual
hearing aid now, huh?

I win.
RUSSELL: Oh.

"He gets overly excited about
pathetic little victories."

No, no, no.
Look, I won, okay?

The item she got
was an us thing,

which led to the best sex
we ever had.

Ooh. What'd you guys use?

Whips? Prosthetics? Chains?

Smackerdoodles?

Just some regular
non-weird stuff?

Oh, starter kit.

Cute.

You know what?
Last night,

Audrey and I had
a solid little session.

No bells and whistles.

Just a man,
a woman and a bed.

Dude, everybody's
using sex toys now.

You gotta keep up.

"Doesn't keep up."

Yeah, you gotta try new stuff

or you become like one of those
lame nostalgia bands,

you know, playing the same
tired old hits year after year.

Yeah, whenever those bands
play new stuff,

that's when people
get up to get a beer.

Audrey never gets up to get
a beer in the middle of my set.

Yeah, that's because your set's
a tight four minutes.

[RUSSELL LAUGHS]

Ah. "Finishes
really quickly."

"Sensitive about finishing."

You know what? I asked Audrey
last night how it went,

and she said it was fine.

Hey-o! "Fine." Wow.

That's slightly better
than okay.

You know, I'm just saying,
Audrey seems

like someone who likes
to keep up with new stuff.

She did just get
a new cell phone.

And downloaded
that new Coldplay CD.

Ooh.Ooh.

That doesn't sound
like someone

who enjoys sweating
to the oldies.

Hm. Or sweating
under the oldie.

[LAUGHS]

That's for the pencil.

No! That's my last one!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Whoa!

Look at this place.

Oh, cool, games!

S-sex games.

All right, I'm a married guy
in a sex shop.

How am I feeling?

I'm feeling...

constipated?

What am I doing here?

Oh, confused.

You know, it looks a lot
like constipated.

Hey, guys.
Check it out.

"Par-sleazy."

You know,
instead of "cheesi." Yeah.

Hi.
Can I help you?

Uh, just
looking around.

Oh, for something
for you and your wife?

See? How does he know
you're married?

You know, I'm looking
for something too.

Yeah, the fetish stuff's
in the back, buddy.

No, the wife and I
are to-- Look--

Yeah.
It's in the back, okay?

Okay, uh, so, what sort
of things is your wife into?

You know, new stuff
like texting and Coldplay.

[CHUCKLES]

No. I mean
what does she into sexually?

Watch it, buddy.

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend
you, Mr. Sex Store Customer.

I'm sorry, I'm--
I'm new at this whole thing.

That's all right.
Let's start with the basics.

How about some lingerie?

Forty-nine dollars?

There's barely anything there.

Yeah, it's crotchless.

It's like the old
egg white scam.

They take the yolk away,
but they charge you more.

You're just taking the yolk
of the panties away

and raising the price.

Wow, you really are
new at this, aren't you?

Let me show you
something.

RUSSELL:
Hm.

Got it.

Got it.

Had it.

Broke it.

"New and improved." Hm.

We'll see.

Hey, beads.

Audrey likes
this crafty stuff.

What is this?
A necklace?

Yes. Yes. That's exactly
what it is. It's a necklace.

Here, let me show you some
of our more popular items.

Here, in this area.

This is--
This is good stuff.

Really?Yeah.

I love this woman.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Doing some shopping?
Some.

[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
Oh, hold the elevator.

Hey.

Hey.
What you got in there?

Oh, you know, I just picked up
a few things.

Otis, leave the man's
groceries alone.

You bought groceries?

Oh, do you have
some chips or something?

I am so hungry.
You're always hungry.

Back off.

You're acting weird.

You're acting weird.

Why are you being
so sneaky?

Let me see
what's in there.

What is this?
Red China?

AUDREY:
Is it a present?

What? What?

Otis, what do you have?

Jeff!
Oh!

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, is that
what I think it is?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

It's hers.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

What would possess you
to buy all this stuff?

Look, I didn't want us to become
a nostalgia band, okay?

I-- I have no idea
what that means

or what it has to do with
remote-controlled underwear.

Look, I didn't want you
to get tired

of, you know, always
hearing the same old songs

in the bedroom.

Oh.

Honey, no.
Those are great songs.

I love those songs.
They are great.

You know I'm not talking
about actual songs, right?

Yeah. Yeah.
I got that.

It's just that we've
been married for 13 years

and our sex life is, uh...

Honey, our sex life
is fine.

I thought I could give you
something more than fine.

So you-- You bought me
a whole sex shop?

Actually there was
another bag

that spilled
on the sidewalk.

I was too embarrassed
to pick it all up so...

I just ran.

[LAUGHING]
Honey, that's so nice.

You were thinking of me.

But honestly,
all I need is you.

Really?

Yes.
You're my big sex toy.

[LAUGHS]

Oh. Thanks.

But what are we gonna do
with all this stuff?

You know, unfortunately,

the Lust Frontier has
a pretty strict return policy.

Well...

it'd be a waste
just to throw it away.

I mean...

I guess trying some of this
stuff wouldn't hurt.

Ooh.

Actually, I think
that one would.

Did you know that one's
for you, right?

I'm positive
that would hurt.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So I'm like,
"Make the reservation.

Okay, don't make
the reservation."

Oh! I mean, I love her,
but she can't make a decision.

It's just so...

Confusing?

Yes! Thank you.

You know what? You don't need
to hear my "married guy" stuff

It's a bore.
Oh. I don't mind.

You know, you seem like you need
someone to talk to.

I do.

I mean, Beth's great,
it's just

sometimes I don't think
she hears me.

I understand.

You know, maybe we should go
somewhere quieter to talk.

Well, I guess there's
no harm in talking.

Check, please.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

RUSSELL:
Oh, my God. This is so kinky.

My wife Beth would never do
anything like this.

By the way, this one's got
a little play in it.

You might want
to tighten it up.

Mm. Oh, okay.
Okay, got it, got it.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

This is kind of hot.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm robbing you.

Of my monogamy?

Of your cash
and credit cards.

And then my monogamy?

And you're not going
to tell anyone,

because if you do,
your wife will find out

and she'll divorce you
and take everything you've got.

Oh, that's why you like
married guys.

Uh-huh.

Well, the joke's on you,
sweetheart.

I'm not really married!
Ha-ha!

Who looks stupid now?

All right, still me.

Hey, can you turn
the TV on?

[GRUNTS]

Marriage sucks.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[JEFF AND AUDREY MOANING]

That's good.
Mm.

I want more of that.
Mm.

[SPRAYS]

Mm.

Not bad for sex food.

This is fun.
It's good to try new things.

How's the edible underwear?
It's good.

It says the flavor
is passion fruit.

Huh. Yeah, I get that.

Want to try a pair?
Sure.

How about
I put it on first?

Yes, Jeff, because that's
what I want my food touching

before I eat it.

Yeah, I get that.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[OBJECT VIBRATING]

[VIBRATING STOPS]

Hey.

I didn't know you got
an electric toothbrush.

I didn't.

[SIGHS]

Man, I am spent.

Good night, honey.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]