Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 2 - Snoozin' for a Bruisin' - full transcript

ah...

Ten more minutes.
Nice.

Ah...
Ten more minutes.

sweet!

Rise and shine, lazy.
Let's go.

♪ how many ways to say
I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared? ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪



♪ Rules of Engagement 4x01 ♪
Snoozin for a Bruisin
Original Air Date on March 8, 2010

And I was only nine,

But I knew it was the last time
that I would spend with her.

So I held back my tears,

And I took her tiny paw
in my hand,

And I said, "Sprinkles--"

I said, "Sprinkles,
you are my best--"

Really, Audrey?

Sorry.
Don't apologize.

You said what
we were all thinking.

No, go ahead, Jen.
Finish your story.

She died, the end, whatever.

No, babe,
it's not your story.

I'm just--I'm really tired,
thanks to you.



Oh, yeah?

The old guy managed to crank up
his rig last night?

How would you like
to go meet Sprinkles?

Please continue.

Jeff likes to set the alarm
way before he has to get up,

And then he hits the snooze
over and over,

And I can never get back
to sleep.

It's a great feeling
when I wake up

And realize
I got ten more minutes.

It's not a great feeling.

It happened to me three times
during her dead-cat story.

Smell you later, losers.

When you do that,
I can't get back to sleep.

Can't you just set the alarm

For when you actually have
to get up?

I wouldn't get
the extra bonus sleep.

No, you'd get
the same amount.

Yes, but I wouldn't know it.

I get that.
Stay out of this.

But I-I'm supporting you.

Still.

Who controls your alarm?

Well, it varies.
How's that?

Well, we don't have
set sides of the bed.

Yeah, we sort of
lie down wherever.

What are you,
farm animals?

God, what do you care?

Couples have set sides
of the bed.

Come on,
to each their own, Jeff.

Absolutely not.

Please, walk me through this.

You get ready for bed.

You put your sweats on,
whatever...

No, actually,
we sleep naked.

I'm sorry, what?

Totally naked...

Except for a pair
of moisturizing gloves.

Oh, do those work?
I don't know. Ask Adam.

Oh, I'm good.

So there's no barrier
between your business

And your bed?
Correct.

So your sheets become
a giant pair of underpants?

What do you care
what we do?

Just stay out of this!

But this is my thing!
Whatever!

No sides, no clothes,
no rules--

Basically your bedroom
is Thunderdome.

Thunderdome,
like that movie?

Like, 100 years ago?

Whatever.
Filthy, naked hippies.

Would you leave them alone.

Fine, but you know what?
This isn't over.

How is it not over?

Your burger
is really undercooked.

No, it's fine.

No, babe, it's raw.
Just send it back.

Oh, and risk
upsetting the waitress?

Adam would never do anything

That would make someone
not like him.

It still happens, though.

Timmy, get in here.

Yes, sir?

What are all these people
lining up for?

Ooh, is there a concert?
I want to see it.

Is it food?
I want to eat it.

Is it an author
I don't know

Signing some book
I've never heard of?

I got to get a copy.

Sir, calm down.

Why, are they calming down?

I believe
they're waiting in line

To purchase the latest version
of the newest must-have phone.

Ooh, I must have it.

Very well, I'll put it
on my to-do list, sir.

No, no, no.
Go get in line right now.

I want it now.

Sir, the phone doesn't go
on sale until tomorrow morning.

While you were
mouthing off,

Two more people just
got in line.

You actually want me to stand
out there over night?

Well, I'm afraid I can't.
My uncle is in town, and--

Oh, okay, oh--

No, let me just call Galileo,
tell him he was wrong.

Apparently all the planets
revolve around Timmy.

You should actually be calling
Copernicus, sir,

Because it was he
who first postulated--

Stop! Raping my ears
with your words.

Now let's go get me
that phone.

But--but--
butt, butt...

What are butts for?

Butts are for pooping.

That's right.

I'm just saying,

Enough with all these
sexy vampire shows.

Am I right,
or am I right?

What are you doing?

I just felt like sleeping
on this side tonight.

You can't.
That's my side.

Look, I was thinking--
Adam and Jen are right.

Why do we have
to have sides?

Plus, this way I get to control
the alarm clock for a change.

Oh, you want to be more
like Adam and Jen.

Fine.
Well, let's sleep naked too.

Let our loose parts
flop all over the place.

I just want to get
a full night's sleep for once.

Our sides of the bed
are locked in.

You throw out the rules,

Next thing you know,
it's Thunderdome.

You really need to stop
watching that dvd.

Look, I'm just saying...

We don't need another hero.

come on.

You're the one
who's always saying

You want to shake things up
in the bedroom.

Yeah, like, maybe
watch some porn

Or invite your friend
Sheila over.

Oh, just get in bed.

Fyi, Sheila just
got engaged.

Oh...

Oh, yeah, 'cause before that,
it was a possibility.

I know that
you're being sarcastic,

But later, when I relive
that conversation,

You won't be.

There's not even
an indentation here.

Well, there is over here
in body hair canyon.

What, are you molting?

All you got over here
is "sudoko."

You know how I feel
about "sudoko."

Yes, you feel like
an idiot

'cause you don't know
how to pronounce it.

Here...

Skim this fitness
and retain nothing.

The light's hitting it
all funny.

There's a draft over here.

I am much further
from the bathroom.

That's gonna throw off
my timing.

Oh, god.

you are such a baby.

Just go to sleep.

I am looking forward to
waking up rested and refreshed.

What was that?

I just groped the phone
instead of your boob.

Oh, goody, you found it.

I love these
sexy vampire shows.

But don't tell Jeff, because
he--he doesn't like them.

Oh, my god,
the guy upstairs--

It's, like, the third night
in a row.

I know.
What a bummer, huh?

Gee, I wonder which one of us
is gonna go up to talk to him.

What's that supposed
to mean?

Oh, come on,
you're not gonna confront him.

He's just another uncooked
burger you're willing to eat.

You are wrong.
I got this.

I don't care
what he thinks about me.

The gloves are coming off.

You think that's bad?

Last weekend,
my boss' kid had a bar mitzvah.

My boss made me write
all the thank-you notes.

My boss
doesn't even know my name.

He just calls me
"skidmark."

big deal.

My boss walks behind me
and smells my hair.

Then he locks himself
in his office for 20 minutes.

Yeah?
Here's a list of things

My boss threw at me
just last week--

His stapler, his sandwich,
my sandwich,

And a rock
from his zen garden.

Oh, and he smells
my hair too.

You win.

You have the most awful boss
in New York City.

Excuse me...

If I may.

♪ ♪

Hey, uh, I'm Adam.
I live downstairs.

I'm Frank.

Yeah, the thing is,
your guitar.

What about it?

I mean,
I think you're good.

I mean, dude, you shred.
Thanks. Come on in.

But the thing is...

It might be a little loud.

Oh, man, really?

You're not gonna be one
of those guys, are you?

Okay, here's the deal.
Yeah?

It's not me.
It's my fiancee, you know.

She's trying to watch
this show.

It's one of those
romantic vampire shows.

Oh, I hate those.
Yeah, me too.

So you're doing this
for your lady, huh?

Yeah, you get that, right?
Totally.

Women, huh?

Yeah, I feel you, bro.
I'll unplug.

Hey, thanks a lot, man.
No worries, man, I get it.

I've had my share
of psycho girlfriends.

Well, I mean, I really
wouldn't call mine psycho...

at least not to her face.

I smell...

Lavender?

Oh, yeah, I was just..

You know,
punching some candles.

And because Mr. Dunbar's arms
are so short,

Guess who had to apply
the ointment for him?

Directly on his--

Every...Four...Hours.

That is
absolutely horrifying.

Now, let me tell you
what my second day was like.

Huh?

Anyone else's business
you want me all up in?

What did you say to him?

I just got in his face,
laid down the law.

I'm impressed.
You stood up for your lady.

Hell, yeah, I did.

Hmm, so do you want
to finish watching

Your vampire show...

Or maybe...?

Definitely "or maybe."

But my--my vampire show still--
it's recording, right?

!
My god, my eye!

Again...

I am really, really sorry.

Okay, Jeff.

How long do I have to keep
this thing on, doctor?

Just one or two days.

Long enough
for the cornea to heal.

And will she still be able
to plunder doubloons?

That's the follow-up
to your big apology?

Take it easy,
Tom Cruise in Valkyrie.

Enough, all right?
My eye hurts when I roll it.

Oh, take these.

Uh, they're pretty powerful.
They might put you to sleep.

Hmm. Or Jen can trot out
that dead-cat story again.

Thank you.

You know,
it doesn't look so bad.

Um, nobody'll notice if you
let me draw an eyeball on it.

Jeff, you're not drawing
an eyeball on it.

You're right. It would
probably scare the parrot.

I'm sorry.
I feel bad.

And it's not even
my fault.

Wha--

In what way is your giant,
meaty paw

Smacking me in the face
not your fault?

You're the one who wanted
to switch sides of the bed.

I didn't want to hit you
in the face.

It was just force of habit.

All I wanted
was one little thing.

I know, but lookit,
I told you it was a bad idea.

I warned you,
but you just wouldn't listen.

I know.

I know, I know, I know.

I just should have
known better.

Well, don't beat yourself up.

No, I'll leave that
to you.

Boy, those meds
are making you mouthy.

Check it out--
I just swiped some jell-o.

I'm not hungry.

I was hoping
you'd say that.

Those painkillers kick in yet?
How you feeling?

Mm, I feel good.

very, very good.

Well...

Then this is probably
the best time to tell you

That when you went
to Cancun,

I reported
your credit card stolen.

That's why it wouldn't work.

I love pushing it
through my teeth--watch.

Hi. I'm sorry
this is taking so long,

But, Mr. Bingham,

I'm gonna have to come with me
to fill out some paperwork.

What, is this
about the jell-o?

Hi, Mrs. Bingham,
I'm Wendy.

I'm a social worker, and
I wanted to check in on you.

hi, Wendy.

Hi.

Listen, I want you to know
that you are in a safe place.

So if you're comfortable...

Oh, yeah, I'm comfortable.
I'm super comfy.

good.

And now I wanted to ask
about your injury.

Your husband did this
to you, didn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Big surprise.

Tell me what happened.

Oh, it was my fault.

It is never your fault.

You know, I should've kept
my mouth shut

And stayed on my side
of the bed.

Is that what he told you?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

He's really, really sorry.

And then he ate my jell-o.

Well, everything's
going to be okay now.

Ah. How--how long is Jeff
gonna be gone?

Oh, you don't have to worry
about him anymore.

Mr. Bingham...
Hey, what's up?

You son of a bitch.

You're going to have
to come with us.

Oh, look, I'll pay
for the jell-o!

So instead of attending
my own birthday party,

I spent the night explaining
to three adult-film actresses

That none of them
got the part

Because there really was,
in fact, no movie.

And that sums up
the last six months.

All of that in six months?
Yes, Veronica.

Oh, and secretary's day--
not even a card.

Even I got a card.

It said, "take this
out of petty cash, skidmark."

Oh, come on.

Are you guys really
buying this?

I'm sorry? You think I've been
making these up all night?

What on earth would I stand
to gain from doing that?

I don't know.

Maybe you just like
the attention.

Yes, that's what I crave,
attention from the gang

In the "who's the biggest
loser?" contest

Sorry, veronica, I know you've
got some irons in the fire.

Whatever, dude.

No boss could ever be
that bad.

Well...

It looks as though you'll have
a chance to judge for yourself.

Here he comes now.

Where, behind
that little blond girl?

No, he is
the little blond girl.

Timmy.

Mr. Dunbar, good day.

How you doing?
You okay?

I was worried about you.
Here...

Come on, dude,
he brought you coffee.

Give it a minute.

Yeah, this isn't coffee.
This is an empty cup.

I don't want to lose
my place in line

If baboo here decides
he needs to take a whiz.

And we're off.

Here's today's to-do list.

Ehh, yikes, a little sticky.
Don't ask.

I never do, sir.

And off to the office.

Oh...

You seem a little
emotionally shaken.

get her number.

I am so sorry
I ever doubted you.

Not at all.

♪ ♪

Look, my fiance read you
the riot act yesterday,

And I know he's not
gonna be happy

When he finds out
you're still--

And that is an example
of the kind of noise

We don't want to hear anymore.

I hope you got that straight,

Because I don't want to
have to come up here--

Dude, she's gone.
Oh, no.

I'm so screwed right now.

When she gets angry, I mean,
she's like a raving...

Dude, she's back.

Angel.

She's like a raving angel.

Hey, baby, let's go.

Well, I know wives everywhere

Are sick of hearing this
from their husbands,

And it may sound trite, but...

Thanks for not
pressing charges.

No problem.

I didn't think it was gonna
take you so long to clear it up,

But I guess
you were coming down

From those painkillers, so...

Sure...

That's what it was.

Well, anyway...

Listen, I had a--

I had a lot of time to think
while I was in lockup.

You were
in the nurses' break room.

With a vending machine

That only took
exact change, so...

It might as well
have been prison.

Look, they fingerprinted me.

Oh, god,
wash that off, please.

I don't want to wake up
with ink all over my boobs.

Aye aye, matey.

Anyway, listen, I was thinking
that at the very least

I should, uh, let you choose
which side of the bed you want.

Oh, well,
I'll take my old side.

Better to lose a little sleep
than the other eye.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

I will set the, uh, clock

For the real time
that I have to get up.

Thank you.

So I guess no more acting
like Jen and Adam, huh?

Well, there is
one more thing of theirs

That I would like to try.

Huh?

Welcome to Thunderdome.

On second thought...
Take out the other eye.

So I guess
the silver lining is, uh...

Free jell-o.

Nice.

Here's your phone, sir.

Ah...

Oh...

They didn't have it
in red?

Timmy, come here.

Yes, sir?

Don't forget your bathroom.