Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 7 - Old Timer's Day - full transcript

That whole bag
of pretzel nuggets

with the peanut butter
inside is gone.

Yeah.

I just bought it yesterday.

Did you want some?

I guess not.

Worked out perfect.

I can't believe we're finally
seeing this movie.

We're probably the last couple
in Manhattan who hasn't seen...

Jeff.
What? Is it over?

No, it's not over.
It hasn't even started.



You were asleep.

I wasn't sleeping.

I was just concentrating
really hard.

Why'd you even rent the movie if
you were too tired to watch it?

Isn't it obvious?

So that I could be part
of this conversation.

Honey, I mean, come on,
it's barely 9.

Hey, I was up at 6:30
this morning.

You slept till well past 7.

I was pretending, 'cause
I know why you woke up at 6:30.

Well played.

And by the way, you used up
all the hot water.

Well, I wouldn't have had
to take such a long shower

if you hadn't pretended
to be asleep.



Well played.

It's fine. If you're tired,
just go to bed.

The only thing I'm tired of
is you bugging me

while I'm trying to watch
this movie. Now let's do this.

Fine.

* How many ways
To say, "I love you"? *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

You're really only
thinking of yourself.

I am not, I'm thinking of us.

I'm thinking of shooting myself

because the suspense
sure isn't killing me.

What's going on?

It's private.
She went off the pill

and now I have to use condoms.

When do we get to "private" on
your word-of-the-day calendar?

Now, you said
you wear condoms, plural.

You know it's just one at a
time, right? You do know that?

Yes, yes, I know.
Thing is, it's just...

less fun.

Oh, boo-hoo.

I make sure
I'm always prepared.

Oh, that's considerate
to have slightly less of you

actually touching her.

Yes, and I get the ribbed kind,

for her pleasure.

Although I do wear
them inside out.

Look, I've taken care
of birth control since we met.

Since the night we met.

Yeah.

Way to make him work for it.

Well, hey, in her defense,
she was totally wasted.

I was not!

Um, being sober doesn't make you
look any better in this story.

Hey, I have an idea
for birth control.

I stop having sex with you.

Oh.

But would you still...?
No.

Yeah, but could I possibly...?
Nope.

Well, then that's
a terrible idea.

Why is it always assumed

that protection is
the woman's responsibility?

It's from the Bible.

Mm-hm, Corinthians.

Well, from now on
if you want to know me,

thou shalt sheath thy sword.

"Sword."

Yeah.

Oh, hey-o.
Hey.

Hey
Hey, guys.

Check out this photo I took
last night of Old Man Jeff.

Audrey, it's not that funny.

Oh, look at you
with your bifocals

down at the end of your nose.

Snuggled under your afghan.

She put that stuff
on me last night.

He kept falling asleep
during a movie.

I did not.
Uh, right.

He kept falling asleep
before a movie.

You look like
my grandfather. Hm-hm.

He's dead.

Uh, look, I don't care
what my age is.

I haven't lost
a step at home, work,

or the battlefield.
The battlefield?

Sadly, he's referring
to his softball league.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come
to my next game,

you can see for yourself.

Yeah, no thanks.
Last game I went to,

the team put me in charge
of beer distribution.

I was
the "beverage bimbo."

Hey, bevy bim's
an important position.

I like that name.
Hey, Doreen.

How about I start calling
you the bevy bim?

Try it, see how it goes.

Die!
Die, you idiot!

We haven't started
the game yet.

I know. You're taking so long.
So, "Die! Die, you idiot!"

Oh.

Oh, hey.
Hey.

What is that smell?

What smell?

Oh, dude.
I didn't.

Seriously,
you don't smell that?

I don't.
Huh.

You never smell anything.
What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with her?

Since she went off the pill

her hormones
are all out of whack.

She's snapping at everything.

You left dirty dishes,
didn't you?

No.

Then what's this?

It's a dirty dish.

You're doing good.

You don't want to clean up?
You don't want to wash dishes?

You want to sit around
and play video games

with your moron little friend?

There, now you never
have to wash it again.

Okay, make a break for it.

You'll only lose the engagement
ring and a little pride.

I don't know what to do, man.

Every little thing
sets her off now.

Yeah, dude, that's scary.

I remember
when I was a little kid

and my dad wouldn't come home,

so my mom would get mad
and she'd start drinking vodka,

and then she'd wear
this see-through nightie

so everyone could
see through it...

Get in here right now!
Cover yourself up, Mommy!

All right! All right!

Way to go! Way to go!

Yeah, way to go!
Way to go!

Hey.

Audrey, this is Evan.

He's the new guy on the team.
Audrey Bingham?

Wow. The guys say you were,
like, the best bevy bim ever.

Oh. Well, thank you.
Oh, yeah.

She could haul beer
like a Clydesdale.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

A Clydesdale?

What?
It's a very regal animal.

Ah, why did I even come here?

That's probably
what Evan's thinking.

Poor kid sits on the bench

'cause he plays
the same position as me.

Excuse me, have to go conduct
a little batting clinic.

Oh! Ah! My back!

Oh!

Man, you look like
you're in a lot of pain.

Should I call the bevy bim?

Okay, babe. You want me
to get the heating pad again?

No.

That thing burnt
all the hair off my back.

Really?

Maybe we should let it
take a run at your ears.

Oh, sure, kick me
while I'm down.

I'm just saying.

The other day I was looking
and I was thinking,

"How can he even hear?"

Why are you so bummed?
You've injured yourself before.

Yeah, diving for a ball,
sliding hard.

Not sneezing.

Mm, sorry,
it was a little funny.

Well, not to me. I'm not ready
to be a creaky old man yet.

What's next? I slip in
the tub, I break my hip?

Jeff, you're not old.

Do you want me to put down some
of those rubber traction daisies

in the tub?
No!

Okay.

I really think
you're overreacting.

Sneezing, Audrey.

One sneeze, two guys
had to help me off the field.

All right, at the risk
of being burned

at the stake as a heretic,
isn't it just softball?

No, it's not just softball.
It's a field of honor,

where warriors face off
against each other.

Well, I-it really
looks like softball.

Look, Audrey, playing ball makes
me feel like I'm in my prime.

And all these younger guys
look up to me

like I'm their hero.

Oh, sweetie,

you're my hero.

Thanks.

I wish that helped
in any way at all.

So anyway, that's how I learned

you never mail a letter
without a stamp.

At the beginning, I thought
that story might be interesting.

But I was a lot younger then.

Do you guys hear that?

Hear what?

There's a sound
that's driving me crazy.

Was it the sound of my beard
growing during Adam's story?

No, it's a disgusting,

slurping, smacking noise.

It's making me
wanna punch somebody.

Wait, are you chewing gum?

I-I'm sorry. I'm just
too annoyed to be here.

I'm just gonna go home.

Yeah, honey,
go home, just relax.

Stop telling me what to do.

Who would've thought
that your stamp story

would've been the most pleasant
part of our meal?

I know this is weird,

but when she gets
all nuts like this,

I find it kind of hot.
That is weird.

Maybe because you were
raised by filthy hippies.

Hey.
Maybe it's because

everything was so
"mellow" growing up

that "crazy" is so unknown
to you,

gets you excited.
Could be. Could be.

All I know is
that I am hot for her,

but she gets so mad, there's
no way I can turn that into sex.

Or can you?

So how do I do it?

How do I parlay
her anger towards me

into sex with me?

What have you tried so far?

Well, apologizing.
Nah.

Some cowering.
Uh.

Oh, uh, a lot of hiding.

Oh, oh, and I've been
running away a lot.

All right, I think I'm getting
a snapshot of the situation.

How about this.
How about you try...

not being a little bitch.

That's interesting.
Yeah.

Stand your ground,
you go right at her.

A complete 180.
Yes.

Because, when you back off,
she cools down.

But if you want
to bust out of Crazytown

into Hornyville,
you gotta keep her hot.

So you're saying
if I get her mad enough,

she'll have wild sex with me.

That or she'll kill you.

Oh, not mine. No.

Hey.
Hey.

How are you?
I'm good.

Good, good.
Well...

First off, I never got a chance
to say this before, but...

Gesundheit.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Yeah, I'd love a water.

Sure, sure. See if
you can get him to throw

that heating pad on his ears.

I heard that.
How?

So, uh, this big playoff
game coming up, huh?

Yeah, we grabbed the last
spot when we won Sunday.

After you went down, Evan filled
in and really tore it up.

Oh, it's nice. I'm glad the kid
finally got a chance to play.

Here you go.
Oh, that was fast.

Like a Clydesdale.

Oh, Audrey, you'll enjoy this.

Some things the team
thought Jeff could use.

Oh, how nice.
Yeah, yeah.

You know, denture cream,
a large print book,

prune juice,
Matlock season two DVD.

Joke's on you, that was actually
on his Christmas list.

Adult diapers.

Very funny.
Oh!

And your new team jersey...

Gramps.

That's a good one.

Yeah. The guys thought
you'd get a kick out of this.

Yeah, they're a good
bunch of douches.

You know what?

Tell 'em I'll be back
for the playoffs.

What? No, Jeff.

If you play, you could
hurt yourself even worse.

Yeah, you might get the hiccups
and snap your spine.

It's a big game.
What about the team?

Look, no worries. We'll
have Evan fill in for you.

Evan.
Honey,

you don't have to play
just to prove something.

Give yourself time to heal.

I mean, not too much time,

'cause, you might not
have that much time left.

Get out.

I'll see you, buddy.

Bye, Audrey.
Bye.

Oh, come on, they were just
trying to cheer you up.

I'm not cheered up. I don't
need any of this old guy stuff.

Wow.
This is easier to read.

How do you like my tub, buddy?
You feeling any better?

Uh, same.

Ah.
Lucky I let you in there.

I have a general rule,
"No dudes in the jacuzz."

I feel special.

And I'm no doctor,

but I could have you
springing up and out of there

in two seconds.
Yeah? How?

By telling you what happened
in there last night.

You are truly disgusting.

Yeah, I heard that last night.

Well, I'm starting
to loosen up a little.

I heard that too.

Did I tell you this story?

So you get to play
in your little game, huh?

Actually, no. I'm gonna
sit it out. I don't know.

I may be done with it for good.

Why?
Well,

look at me. Audrey's right.

She said I needed
to slow down a little.

The team's got
this new young kid, Evan,

to take my place.

And you're gonna let him?

What am I supposed to do?

Fight.

That's what I'd do.

You don't even play sports.

Sure I do. My sport just happens
to be chasing young women.

And believe me, I've faced
my share of Evans.

It's not a valid comparison,
I'm injured.

Oh, please, while having sex
with women half my age,

I've pulled muscles,
cramped up, chipped a tooth,

even gotten a stress
fracture or two. Yeah.

Really?
I hang with some strange women.

But I play through the pain,

because I'm not gonna let
some young punk come outdo me.

Evan's a good kid,
he's not a punk.

They're all punks!

Yeah, that's why you gotta
play like a young man

till they cart you away.

Maybe I should join
a senior league,

act my age a little.

Has acting your age
ever been fun?

No.
Has it ever led to great stories

you can share
with your buddies?

No.
Has it ever gotten you into bed

with a wannabe dancer
who's one failed audition away

from doing soft-core?
No.

What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna fight.

You're gonna fight.
Gonna fight till the end.

That's right.
And I'll start by proving

that I still rule the Central
Park Sheep Meadow Athletic Field.

Number Three weekend B-league.
Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were
wearing a bathing suit!

Come on!
Yuck, old man junk!

Hey. What's up?

I was just at the, uh...

It's not your business.

Hey, want some
of my burrito? Mm?

Hot sauce and beans.

Smell it.
Oh.

Smell it.
Get that out of my face.

What are you doing?

Okay, fine.

I guess I'll just throw it out.

Oh, no, what a mess.

Clean that up.

Eh, I'll get it later.

What do you mean "later"?

Later, dude.

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Are you trying to piss me off?

Why would I do that?

I'm in no mood for this, Adam.

What are you in the mood for?

I'm in the mood to strangle you!
Oh, yeah, there she is.

There's my crazy lady.

Crazy? You think
I've been acting crazy?

You bet I do.

Super crazy.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Shh! What are you...
What are you doing?

I have been acting crazy,
haven't I?

I'm so sorry.

No, no, honey.
Look at me.

Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry,
be crazy. Be crazy.

Now, look... Look at...
Look at the mess in the kitchen.

Look, there's roaches on it.

Oh.
No.

My emotions are
totally out of control.

I'm just gonna go back
on the stupid pill.

No, not yet. I didn't
break through to Hornyville.

What?

Uh, well, Russell said...
You talked to Russell

about this again?
Wait, if I did,

would that make you mad?
Yes!

Well, then yeah. Yeah, I did.
I told him everything.

Oh, my God,
you are such a jerk!

Yes! I'm totally back in.

Honey...

Honey, hey, did you put on
a couple pounds?

Awesome.

Yes!

All right, we just need two
runs. Greg's up, Evan's on deck.

I don't like this.

I don't like
that Jeff might play,

I don't like
that somehow you're involved.

It's a guy thing,
Audrey, step aside.

A guy thing?

That is so lame. Women
are completely capable...

Bevy bim!

Damn it.

I hate that the regular girl
has mid-terms.

Ooh! Greg!

All right Evan, you're up.

No, I'm going in.

Are you sure?
It's pretty dusty out there.

Shut up.
Sit down, kid.

I got this.
All right!

Jeff, come on!

Oh, God, be careful.
Be careful!

That's my boy.

All right! Come on, Jeff!

Stop.

Go! Go! Go!

Gramps!
Gramps! Gramps! Gramps!

Woo-hoo!

You did it!

Yeah! My man...

Ah!

So trip to Hornyville
didn't go so well, huh?

No, she kind of kicked
the crap out of me.

Yeah, there was no way
that was gonna work.

Why'd you send me in there?

Well, you've got
your stamp story.

Now I've got my "my friend got
beat up by his fianc?e" story.

Okay, out.
The big dog's getting wet.

Uh, that's my robe, dude.

Yeah, you got
something full length?

That is full length.

All right.
I'm done.

Are you kidding? Does anyone
wear a swim suit in there?