Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 6 - Poaching Timmy - full transcript

That's not what
I said, Joe.

That's not what I said, Joe.
Hey, Tanya?

You know what
your problem is?

You don't listen.
Tanya.

I talk, but it's like
I'm not there.

You know how that makes me feel?
Bad. Angry. Tanya!

Oh, hey, Audrey.

Hey, I gotta go.

Because some of us have to work
for a living.

Am I the only one getting
the irony around here?

My boyfriend and I
are having some problems.



Well, clearly it's not
affecting your work.

Oh, believe me, it is.

What do you need?

I just need you to confirm
my lunch reservation

tomorrow at La Maison.

Lunch at La Maison.
Yes.

I don't see it
on the calendar.

Tanya, I asked you to do it
last Thursday. Remember?

I told you it was for
an important new client,

who specifically requested
that restaurant.

Yeah, last Thursday.

That was a bad day.

Right, can you just call now
and try to get me a table?

On one day's notice?
Good luck.



That place takes forever
to get a reservation.

I know. That's why I asked you
to do it last Thursday.

Okay, cool your jets.
I'll call.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, boy.

What do you want now, Joe?

Hold on.

Mind if I take a break?

From what?

Yeah. I can talk.

No, don't say that
about her, Joe.

Hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?

I called. Didn't Tanya give
you the message?

I'm not sure.
Was the message,

"That's not
what I said, Joe"?

Uh, anyway, I had a meeting
in the neighborhood,

I thought I'd take you
to dinner.

You know, every once in a while
I remember why I married you.

But tomorrow night I don't want
you anywhere near the apartment.

Then I forget again.

So why am I barred
from my own home?

Uh, it's the playoffs,
Giants-Cowboys,

same as last year.

You worked late that night,

I bought a meatball sub
at the deli down the block,

watched the game,
Giants won.

Gotta repeat
that exact same strategy.

[SCOFFS]

That's not a strategy, babe,
it's just a crazy superstition.

Crazier than putting on
your "lucky thong"

before you weigh yourself?

I don't have a--

How did you know--?

What time is the game over?

Call me at 11,
but if I don't pick up,

give it another hour.

If I still don't pick up,
get a hotel.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you"? ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Come on, it's fun.

No, I'm never gonna do that
so stop asking me.

Booze plus time.

She'll do it.

You don't even know what
they're talking about.

It's just good
general advice.

My parents got us a tent,
but Jen refuses to go camping.

It was a big part
of my childhood

and I want to share it
with her.

Camping? Seems like
a waste of booze and time.

No,
i-it's really romantic.

Look, I don't want to be any
place where I'm gonna hear,

"just go behind a tree
and use a leaf."

You can totally
use toilet paper.

You just have to bury it
when you're done.

If that doesn't get you
in the mood...

I'm sorry, honey,
it's just not my thing.

Is this about your crazy
fear of bears?

Yes, it's insane to be afraid
of a ten foot tower

of teeth and claws.

Oh, that reminds me,
your mother called.

[CHUCKLES]

TIMMY:
Nine-thirty, meet
with board of directors,

1:00, lunch with CEO,

and 3:15,
foot massage with Nadia.

Okay, now,
Nadia understands

that by "foot" massage
we really mean--

Yes,
it was explained to her.

Hey, hey, look who's here.
It's Un-Kool and the Gang.

[RUSSELL LAUGHS]

Good one, sir.
Good one.

Yeah, it hurts to get
insulted by Ebony and STD.

Snappy riposte, sir.

[GROANING]
Now, moving on.

Brenda called again,
would you like to return?

Yeah, back to the time before
I met that whack-job. What else?

Your dinner at La Maison tonight
has been confirmed as well.

You got him into La Maison?

I can't believe it.

Why, is there
a height requirement?

Yeah, you gotta be
under 8 feet.

I'll be right back.

Tanya, it's Audrey.

Keep trying to get me
in at La Maison.

I'm still waiting for
directions to the photo shoot

at Beekman Studios in Brooklyn.
I need them ASAP.

I've heard La Maison
is fantastic,

but impossible
to get a reservation.

You know what's fantastic that
you don't need reservations for?

Camping.

Yeah, it's amazing
people aren't lining up

to get zipped into a canvas bag
and peed on by raccoons.

[AUDREY'S CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, hey, look at that.

Tanya sent me directions
to the shoot.

Actually, Mrs. Bingham,
that was me.

You?

Yes, I MapQuested
the studio

and forwarded
the information on to you.

Timmy, that's so nice. Thank
you.

My absolute pleasure.
Russell's a lucky guy.

How long have you been with him?

It'll be two months tomorrow.

I remember because
he just received

his bimonthly issue
of Rump magazine.

Well, if you ever want
to sort mail

that doesn't come in a plain
brown wrapper, give me a call.

You never know, I may just
take you up on that offer.

Really? Well, you know
where to find me.

I surely do.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

God, you two,
get an office.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Wow.

You are asking a lot
of that drawstring.

I gotta wear the same thing
I wore last year.

These are my Giant sweats
which you obviously shrunk.

No, that is your giant ass
which you obviously grew.

You don't really
believe this stuff has anything

to do with them
actually winning?

Maybe it does,
maybe it doesn't.

I'm not risking
the big game to find out.

Is that new,
right there?

Yeah,
I just bought it yesterday.

If it wasn't here last year,
then it's not invited.

Jeff--
Audrey, I don't make the rules.

Plant out.
Bobblehead in.

[AUDREY'S CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, my God.

Timmy got me lunch reservations
at La Maison.

Hee-hee.
He is amazing.

What are you doing?
Texting him back.

[IN SENSUAL VOICE]
"If you ever get tired
of Russell, call me."

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
"Well, I just might."

[IN SENSUAL VOICE]
"Well, you know
where to find me."

I didn't do that.

You're playing with fire.
Timmy's with Russell.

So don't be getting
all gooey about him.

That is ridiculous,
I'm not getting gooey.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, Timmy.

He got me a table by the window.

And he sent one of those
smiley faces that, you know,

wink.

Yeah, you better watch it.

There are certain lines
we don't cross.

You're an adult.
So act like one.

[BOBBLEHEAD CLINKS]

Hey, look at this.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Good morning, Mr. Dunbar.

I set up a 10:30
conference call--

Uh, cancel. What else?

A noon stockholder's meeting--

Uh, pass. What else?

Sir, Brenda called again--
Ugh.

Didn't you tell her
how busy I am?

All right, it's time for the old
Habitat for Humanity story.

What countries
have I already helped?

Well, you have rebuilt
most of South America,

and for some reason you've
visited Namibia three times.

Yeah, Brad and Angelina
made that place cool,

but once Shiloh came along
we were over that mud hole.

Sir, just offering
a thought.

Wouldn't it be better
to tell Brenda the truth?

Oh-ho-ho, sweet Timmy.

I'm gonna give you
a scenario.

What if I'm drunk one night,
and it's late,

and I don't feel like trying.

I call Brenda,

"Hey, I just got back from
impoverished, war-torn...?"

Sierra Leone?

No, a country.

Sir, um, also,
I know it's taken a while,

but I have finally finished
the Waterman report.

Oh, I canceled that,
like, a week ago.

You never told me that, sir.

I worked three weekends
in a row,

because I thought
you needed it today.

Maybe that's why
you forgot I scratched it,

because you're exhausted.

I didn't forget,
you forgot to tell me!

Well, listen,
we can spend all day

arguing over
who worked on it a month

and who canceled it.

But I guess we'll never know.

[PHONE RINGS]

Tanya.

What bridge, Joe?

[PHONE KEEPS RINGING]
What bridge, Joe?

Joe. What bridge?

Tanya, I know you know
what that ringing is,

I've seen you
react to it before.

He's threatening to jump.

What do you want me to do,
put him on hold?

[PHONE KEEPS RINGING]

The Verrazano?

Why would you go all the way
to the Verrazano

when the Brooklyn Bridge
is right down the street?

You always have to do
everything the hard way.

Audrey Bingham.

TIMMY [OVER THE PHONE]:
Mrs. Bingham,

it's Timmy. Um--

Can you meet me tonight
after work?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh!
Oh!

I hit my shin again.

Okay,
we're almost there.

Can I just please take
this stupid blindfold off?

No, not yet.
It's a surprise.

The only surprise is
whether I'm bleeding or not.

Just assume you are.

Now you can focus
on my surprise.

And here we are.
You ready?

For you to push me off
the roof?

At this point, yes.

Oh, my God.

See? This is how great
camping can be.

We've got our cozy tent,
secured to a satellite dish,

just how the settlers
used to do.

Big comfy air mattress,

bathroom right downstairs,

no bugs
and absolutely no bears.

It's beautiful.

[MOANS]

Okay, well, have a seat,
because dinner is served.

I can't believe
you did all this.

I wanted you to see
how romantic camping is,

with the stars and the moon.

Just you and me
and the beauty of nature.

Voilàà!

Jen! Jen!

Jen! Jen!

Jen, get it off me!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

How many?

Didn't there used to be
a deli here?

Ah, no more.

How many?

Well, I need to get
a meatball sub

from the same deli
I bought one last year.

Deli gone.

Oh, no, this is not good.

Yes, good. Very good.

Dan Rather eat here.

Geez.

Do I get my pre-game meal
from the same place as last year

if it's not the same exact thing
or do I get the same meal

as last year but
from a different place?

You buy here.

Can you make
something close

to an Italian
meatball sandwich?

Yeah, yeah.
Are you sure? This is important.

Yeah, yeah, we make.

Okay.

One, uh, meatball
submarine sandwich to go.

Yeah, yeah. You want, uh, soy
sauce and hot mustard?

No. What I would like
is tomato sauce and cheese.

Yeah, yeah.
Duck sauce.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Timmy.

Yes, sir?

You want to tell me
what's going on?

I-- I'm not sure
I understand.

I think you do.

I trusted you, Timmy.

How could you do this to me?

Well, Mr. Dunbar--

How could you forget
to call Brenda?

Brenda you say?

Yes.
Brenda.

Yeah, she nabbed me
on the cell phone.

And she had no idea
I was out building homes

for the poor people
of Pooristan.

Pooristan, sir?
Yeah.

You didn't call her and give her
the name of a real country.

Luckily I don't think
she caught it,

she's not exactly Google Earth.

Yes, terribly sorry
for the mix-up, sir.

It won't ever happen again.

Hold on.

It's not like you
to mix things up.

Oh, you're not still mad about
this Waterman report, are you?

No, sir.

I'm fine.
It's all fine. Really.

Okay.
Must be off now.

Okay. Okay.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hey-o?

Hey, Brenda.

Oh, you looked it up, did you?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[ADAM SIGHS]

I'm sorry again
about dinner.

Stupid birds.
It's okay.

You feeling better?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine.

I just kind of freaked out when
that one got caught in my hair.

Yeah,
he was really stuck.

Maybe it's time to ease up
on the hair gel.

I don't want to overreact.

I just wanted everything
to go perfect tonight, you know,

so you'd be into
going camping with me for real.

You know, I will go
actual camping with you.

Really?
Mm-hm.

And when we do, I promise
to protect you from birds

as long as you protect me
from bears.

I will. I will protect you
from bears, mountain lions--

Th-There's mountain lions?

No.

Hey, you guys order a pizza?

[GROANS]

So what we got,
pepperoni and mushroom?

Yeah, I think so.
Let's take a peek.

Don't open that box!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right.
Pennants, check.

Bobblehead, check.

Meatball sub. Huh?

Ah, why I'd buy there?

All right, game time.

JEFF:
Oh, come on.

No!

No!

Mm, goodnight, Tanya.

Oh, I got you that lunch
reservation at La Maison.

Ten forty-five Christmas Day.

Do you mind
eating at the bar?

I-- I took the client
there today.

Someone else got me in.

Well, you might've told me.

And by the way, I talked Joe
down from the bridge.

Thanks for asking.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Joe?

I-it's--
It's me.

Hello?

JEFF:
What'd you do to the TV?

I don't have time for this,
Jeff.

Just tell me
what I said last year.

No, this isn't part of that.

I just turned it on.
There's no picture.

AUDREY:
I didn't do anything.

Maybe there's a problem with
the satellite dish. I gotta go.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh.

It's really coming down
out there.

Sorry, I tried to park as close
to your office as I could.

No, no, it's fine.
I'm glad you called.

I almost didn't come.

I think Russell
suspects something.

Why?

Oh, it's a feeling.

I know him so well.

He doesn't deserve you, Timmy.

You're too good for him.

I wish I could have made
a clean break

before starting
with someone new.

So it wouldn't feel so dirty.

You have nothing
to feel guilty about.

He takes you for granted,
he doesn't care about you.

With me, you'd blossom.

Oh, there is so much

I'd let you do.

And believe me,
I want to do it, Audrey.

I want to do it all.

What about you and Tanya?

Oh, that's been over
for months.

I just didn't have
the heart to tell her.

We're going to hurt
a lot of people, aren't we?

We have to think of ourselves.

Why don't we go upstairs?

We'd be more comfortable there.

If I go up there with you,
there is no turning back.

I know.

All right.

Just, uh, be gentle.

What?

With the door handle.
It's broken.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, dear me.
It's a text from Russell.

Uh. "Just read Waterman report.
Great job.

We can use it
on the next project."

Oh, my goodness,
he actually read it.

Too little too late, Timmy.
Be strong.

Yes, quite right.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

"And happy
two-monthiversary."

He remembered.
Damn it.

Don't throw away
your one chance at happiness.

Oh, for God's sake, Timmy,
look at me.

Audrey, I--
I--

You're never going to leave him,
are you?

I'm so sorry.

Look, Audrey, I think you're--
Don't.

Wonderful.

There's nothing to say.

Let's just--
Right. Okay.

It's fine.

Well, looks like
the rain's letting up.

Goodbye, Audrey.

I want you to know
I'll never forget you.

You'll see me tomorrow
at the diner.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[JEFF CONTINUES GRUNTING]

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, a bear!

A bear! It's a bear!
It's a bear!

It's a bear!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]