Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - Lyin' King - full transcript

Thanks for letting me
borrow all this stuff.

It's really gonna class up
our dinner party.

Well, Jeff will be there
to class it down,

so it should be a wash.

Oh, hey.
Hm.

Pretty bold, robbing us
in broad daylight.

It's for dinner
at our place Saturday night.

Oh, all right.
Well, looking forward to it.

Should be fun.

God, that's gonna suck.
How did you let that happen?

She asked, and we were free.



All right?
It won't be that bad.

Yes, it will.
The last meal she made for us

tasted like balloons.

Those were fried clams.

Explain the variety of colors.

I can't.
But they're our friends

and we're going
to their dinner party.

Oh, wait.
Dinner party?

Are there gonna be
other people there?

Just one other couple.

Don't say it.
It's the Bennetts.

Aw, you said it.

Chuck Bennett is so boring.

Sometimes when
I can't sleep at night



I literally count
Chuck Bennetts.

I know, but Chuck
comes with Laurie,

and Laurie's an old friend
of Jennifer's.

Besides, we can make
a drinking game out of it.

Every time Chuck says
"long story short" drink.

Yeah, but remember what
we're gonna be drinking.

Oh, God, that's right.

Chuck always
brings that beer he makes.

In his bathtub.

Like Anheuser-Busch doesn't know
what they're doing.

I gotta drink pale ale filtered
through his hair trap.

Please be a serial killer.

Hey, Brad. Jackie.
Hey, Jeff.

Guys. Hey, come in.
Audrey.

Oh, you're looking gorgeous
as usual.

Back off, buddy,
that's my wife.

It's funny, because he
doesn't like girls.

One of those things is true.

Come on, what's the point in
having friends that are gay

if you can't ride 'em a little?

Forget I just said that.

Anyway,

we're sorry to
pop over unannounced,

but we sent you an invite
to our party and someone

mailed it without a stamp.

Yeah, it's the crime
of the century.

Just give it to them,
my big Black Forest ham.

This Saturday night.

It's just friends
and a few clients.

Very casual.
Stop underselling it.

It's gonna be huge.

We got a fabulous caterer,

yummy waiters, and there's
gonna be famous people there.

We would love to come Saturday,
but we already have plans.

So we're gonna miss a really
great famous-person party

for Chuck Bennett
and his bathtub hooch?

Is that a band?

We're already committed.
End of story.

Ah. Damn it.

Come on, take me to Pinkberry.

Wow.

I'm not even that gay
when we're having sex.

Goodbye.

Audrey.

Don't even say it.

We already promised
Adam and Jen.

Verbally.
This is in writing.

It'll be Adam and Jen's
word against ours.

We can't cancel just because
we got a better invitation,

all right?
You don't do that to friends.

We're gonna miss
a really great party

with top-shelf booze,

purchased from a store,
untouched by human buttocks.

We're going to Adam and Jen's,
all right? Drop it.

Fine.

I can't promise
it won't come up again

when I'm drunk
on ass-beer.

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

Pass the salt.

Say we can go to Brad's party.

No.

No salt.

Boy, you two look bummed.

What is it, 12 years now?

Oh, I'm sorry.
My boss's scathing barbs

at married life
do tickle me so.

Audrey's forcing us
to go to a dinner party

at Adam and Jen's.

Oh, God, I went to one
of their bore mitzvahs once.

I had to make crappy small talk
with their lame friends,

eat those Cornish
dry game hens,

and play stupid charades.

That was our dinner party.

Oh, really?

Well, in that case,

sounds like it blew.

Adam and Jen's
is gonna be worse.

And Audrey won't let me tell 'em
a lie to get out of it.

I'm not comfortable
lying to friends.

That's the beauty
of having an assistant.

Timmy here does
all my lying for me.

Happy to do it, sir.

See how good I've become?

A lie just wouldn't get us out
of Adam and Jennifer's,

it'd also get us into and Brad
and Jackie's party,

which is gonna have fantastic
food and booze,

professional athletes...
Whoa, whoa.

Professional athletes?
Yeah, Brad's a sports agent.

What do you care?
You don't follow sports.

No, but I follow models,
and models follow athletes.

He's right, you know.

Back home in South Africa,
cricket players

get all the best tail.

Listen, we're going
to that party.

Were we invited, sir?

Ah, it's a mere formality.

We'll get in there
with one phone call.

Yes?

Timmy, get us into that party.

Beep, beep, coming through.

Really, I'm gonna marry

the "beep beep,
coming through" guy?

So I see the kids next door
repoed our chairs.

How are we gonna sit
at the table?

Not a problem. They're
coming back for that too.

Theirs isn't
big enough for six.

So for their party they bring
nothing to the table.

Not even a table.

Hey, good news,

Jen's gonna make her famous
fried clams again.

That is good news.

Yeah, they're not in season,

but you can get anything
in Chinatown.

And they'll go great with
Chuck's latest batch of beer.

He's flavoring it
with fruit now.

He's bringing raspberry.

Homemade raspberry beer

and black market clams?

That sounds great.
Yeah.

Tell Chuck to bring
an extra jug

because I'm gonna be
mighty thirs...

Hold on a second.

Oh, no, no, no.

You gotta be kidding me.

What's the matter?
Stupid client of mine,

Jackson Farnsworth, wants me
to meet him in Atlantic City

this Saturday night.
Damn it.

I'm gonna miss your dinner.

Jeff, I am sure
you can get out of it.

I'm sure that I can't.

Well, I mean, at least
Audrey can make it.

Oh, no.
You jinxed it.

Now he wants Audrey
to come too.

Turns out he's bringing
his wife,

and insists we all
go out for stone crabs.

Oh, no, that's too bad.

Well, I guess we don't need
the table anymore.

And I was so looking forward
to getting my clams on.

I'll tell you what.
I'll save you some clams,

you can just re-heat them.

You better.

I don't believe you.

Well, they did.

Just give me the wine.

"From Jeff and Audrey"?

Jeff, you wrote on the label?

This was expensive.

I want credit for being classy.

Whoa.
It's gorgeous.

I bet you there's
not a clam in the room.

We should go find
Brad and Jackie.

Good idea. Let's start
our hunt at the bar.

Oh, crap, we're supposed
to bring something?

Yes. The bottle of wine
I purchased

that you drank in the cab
on the way over.

Yeah, well, the conversation
wasn't exactly doing it for me.

Oh, this is good stuff.

Hey, Russell.

Oh, hey, Brad.

Hey, here's something
I just picked up.

Just put it on the table.

Oh, it goes right here.

Okay, I see how
that works. All right.

Hey, uh, by the way,
thanks for having me.

Well, it's hard
to say no to someone

whose assistant followed me

around town
on a bicycle begging.

Yes, rather tricky day,
what with all the lightning.

Just remember, I only
agreed to let Russell come

because you promised
to keep an eye on him.

These are my friends
and colleagues,

so they deserve
not to be sexually harassed.

I can assure you, sir,
he'll be a perfect gentleman.

I'll settle for him keeping his
pants on the whole time.

Hm. Didn't realize you
set the bar quite so high.

I'll do my best.

Now, Mr. Dunbar,
we have to establish some rules.

Oh, dear me.

This is unbelievable.
I know. Do me a favor.

When I die,
bury me at this party.

Oh, no.

Hey, what the hell?

What are you doing?

My Scotch is out there.

Look.

Yeah, I know, I see it.
Single malt,

right there on the bar.

Adam and Jennifer are here.

Oh, wow,

Chuck Bennett bored them
right out of their own party.

You happy? Look where
your stupid lie got us.

God, if they catch us,
I am gonna be mortified.

Why did I go along with this?

At least you have a drink.

Let me take a look and see if

there's an escape route.

Oh, crap.
What? What?

Someone took my Scotch.

Hey, Timmy,
what are you doing here?

Turns out, I'm in charge of
making sure Mr. Dunbar here

keeps his pants on.

Ha-ha-ha!
Good luck.

Timmy, why don't you
go get us some drinks?

Ah, a fitting
use of my M.B.A.

I love that British
sense of humor.

I'm from South Africa.

You always say that.

Because you always
say I'm British.

Oh. This is why I drank
in the cab.

What are you two
losers doing here?

Thought you were having
some lame dinner party.

And you wonder
why we didn't invite you.

I thought you'd invite me
because you liked me.

Jeff and Audrey had to go
to Atlantic City

and the other couples canceled.

It's too bad because
we were gonna have...

Uh-huh.
Pretty girl.

Listen, I don't care
what it costs,

if it's helps
the environment, I'm in.

Yeah. No.

You pay that!

Get the oil off
those little baby ducks.

Ah!

These people, I can't even...

So sorry, I was yelling.
Hi, I'm Russell.

Hi, I'm Martina.

Oh, my God, that accent.
Where are you from?

The Czech Republic.

Oh. Well, then:
"Czech, please."

I must tell you,
I have a boyfriend.

Oh, well, you should.
You're gorgeous.

Such a great body.
What's your secret?

Well, I make good decisions
about what I put in my body.

Oh, I'd like to be
one of those good decisions.

My boyfriend
is right over there.

Look, I can't see anyone
past Jerry Rice over there.

It is Jerry Rice.

Yikes.

Martina, is this guy
hitting on you?

I think that's
what he's trying to do.

What?

Martina, Jerry,
is everything okay?

You know, Brad,
I came to this party to chill.

And all of a sudden this
little talking chihuahua

started humping my lady's leg.

Why would you do that?

Yeah, why?
Why?

I didn't...
I wasn't hitting on her.

Doesn't even makes sense.

Here's your drink, sir.

Yeah, just ask my boyfriend.

What?

You're gay?
Please,

tell 'em what I did you
last night.

Please, I beg you, sir.

You sure did.
Ha-ha-ha.

I can't believe
we're trapped in here.

Don't worry, I'm working on a
story to get us out of here.

Farnsworth ate a bad crab.

He's being medevaced
back to the city,

Bob the pilot
is letting us ride jump seat.

Wow. You really put
a lot of thought into those.

The key to a good lie is
in the odd, specific details.

Jackson Farnsworth,
stone crabs, medevac.

Wait a minute.
Wasn't Jackson Farnsworth

your old college buddy,

who was really upset
about his divorce

so you had to console him
instead of going out to dinner

with me and my parents?

Different one.
It's a fairly common name.

Oh, man, you actually
used this crap on me?

Okay, first of all,
it was a playoff game.

And I only lied so
you wouldn't get upset.

And you don't really wanna
know the truth about everything.

Yes, I do.

You wanna know
the truth? Fine.

Ask me again.
"Did I overcook the lasagna?"

"Does this dress
makes me look boxy?"

"Did you kill that giant spider
in the bathtub?"

You didn't kill
that giant spider?

Have you killed any of the giant
spiders since I've known you?

Not really.

But I did call the exterminator

the time that you asked me to.

All right.

Oh, Farnsworth Exterminators?

Damn it!

Go. Go, go.

Another bedroom.
This place is huge.

Hey. You wanna do it
on the coats?

Adam Rhodes, you filthy perv.

Ah!
We have to get out of here.

Right after the show.

Okay, let's go back out there.

Oh. You mean,
we're not really gonna...

You were serious?

No.

No show.

What a tease.

Hey, I just got an idea.

No.

Hm.

All right, I'm going in
for the kill. Cover me.

Fine.

Don't forget, you're gay.

Hm.

Gayer.

Hi, I'm Russell.

Hi, I'm...
Listen, I don't have the time

I normally would
to put into seducing you,

so why don't you just pretend
that you found me adorable,

I pumped you full of drinks,

and you agreed to come
back to my place, and, uh...

And what?

And watch the box set
of Sex and the City.

I'm such a Carrie.
It's not even funny.

And you're a Samantha,
you know you are.

He's so insatiable.
It's sex, sex, sex,

all the time with this one.

It's gay sex.
And we like it.

Oh, well, actually...

Oh, shoot, that was close.

Yes.

Could have been
terribly embarrassing.

Saw you two coming
out of our bedroom before.

You guys weren't rolling around
on the coats, were you?

No.

No.

Hello?

Hey, I need you
to go over to our place

check and see if the wife
left the stove on.

We're all the way out here
in Atlantic City

and she's in a tizzy.

Yeah, sure, I'll go
check it out right now.

How's it going down there?
Good.

Playing roulette.
Oh, yeah?

Hey, uh,
put 20 on black for me.

Uh, black?

Sure.

Just put it down.

Del just spun the wheel.

He's from Margate, Florida,

got a pencil-thin mustache.

The ball's landing and...

Oh, red!

You lose.
Damn.

Double or nothing.

Yeah, yeah.
Uh, black again.

Okay, spinning, and...
Oh, red.

You lose again.

Damn.

This just isn't your night.

Hey, thanks for checking
on the stove.

You've got a problem.
Hey.

I'm not the one who couldn't
walk away from the table.

Oh, I just got an
important call from Jeff.

He needs us to...
Oh, little cakes.

He's just standing there
eating little cakes.

Our apartment's
filling with gas,

it could blow at any minute.

You're starting
to believe your own lies.

I'm that good.

Hold on. Jerry Rice
is going in motion.

He's setting a block for us.

Come on, we got an open field.
Let's go, go, go.

Timmy, why are you pouting
in the corner?

Why am I pouting in the corner?

Well, sir, it might be because

they're out of the bacon-wrapped
scallops I so enjoy.

Or perhaps it's because
everyone in the room

thinks I'm a voracious,
insatiable homosexual

who can't do any better
than you.

I get why you're angry.

Now I'll see if they have
more scallops.

It's the second one!

You know what? I am tired
of being your boy toy.

Goodbye.

You know what? You've been
squawking all night, you bore!

Go back to England!

I am from
South-freaking-Africa!

Oh, hello.

Hey, tough break, little man.

Looks like your
boyfriend dumped you.

Oh, yeah, him. He's...
We've been having problems.

You know what you need?

You need to get
right back on the horse.

Matt, come here.

Oh, God, is that the horse?

Matt, this is Russell.

I think you're gonna like Matt.

He's a big Samantha too.

Oh.

At least we had those
bacon-wrapped scallops

you smuggled out.

By the way,
where did you hide them?

Oh, see, that right there
is an instance

of where you want me to lie.

Hey, what are
you guys doing here?

We came to check the stove.

What are you doing here?

I thought you guys were
in Atlantic City.

Yeah, well, see, ahem.

What happened was, we, um...

Jackson Farnsworth.

It, uh...
It was my fault.

Uh, I was worried about
the gas,

and then I wasn't sure if
you guys would take care of it,

so I made Jeff race home.

Poor guy.

I wouldn't even let him
stop to go to the bathroom.

He had to pee in
an iced tea bottle.

Really?

Diet peach.

And you know what?

The stove was on.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I got distracted.

Damn you, tiny cakes.

Well, it's okay.
No one got hurt.

This time.

We'll see you guys tomorrow.

Yeah.
Oh, hey, by the way,

we had to cancel the dinner
party with the Bennetts,

but we're gonna reschedule.
You better.

Iced tea bottle, diet peach?

Nice odd, specific details.

I don't know
where that came from.

Hey, you've been observing
the master all these years.

It turns out you're
kind of a natural.

Maybe.

But how about from now on
we make an agreement, right?

We only use our lying skills
on the outside world,

not on each other.
You got a deal.

And in that spirit,
the giant spider

did not go crawl into
a pair of your shoes.

Aw.

It went into those slippers.

Oh! Ew, ew, ew, ew!

Oh, you just wanna split it?

Well, you kind of still owe me

for those roulette bets
I placed for you.

Oh, right.

I really thought you were gonna
win that second spin.

It landed in the black

but it just popped out
the last second.

Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hey.

Oh, thank you, guys
for coming to our party.

We had such a great time.

And I'm sorry we didn't
get to talk last night.

Where were you two hiding?

Actually, we weren't there.
We went to Atlantic City.

But we got the bottle
of wine you brought.

We didn't bring any wine.
We didn't go.

It was clearly labeled:

"From Jeff and Audrey."

Very classy.

Wait, you guys
were at their party?

Just...

I believe

this is yours.