Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 8 - Twice - full transcript

Audrey fakes a pregnancy at work so that she can get special treatment, and Russell takes an Amish teen who is staying with Adam and Jennifer out on the town for his Rumspringa.

I'll have the chocolate
chip pancakes. Extra butter.

Meat lover's scramble.
Side o' bacon.

[LAUGHS]
Wow. Is it a race to see

who's heart explodes first?

It is now.

Nothing for me.
That's a good call.

You were looking
at bronze anyway.

I have to go
to the office early

so I can do a bunch of stuff
for freakin' Deirdre.

Who's freakin' Deirdre?

This woman I work with.



She's pregnant
and totally annoying.

It is annoying when people
create other people.

No, she was always
annoying.

But now it's all:
"Oh, I'm pregnant.

"I've never felt
like such a woman.

Who wants to guess
if it's a boy or girl?"

Girl, I guess girl.

The worst part is,
our boss Laura

is just falling all over herself
to make Deirdre's life easy.

Including having me
do all of her work.

And I'm sure it doesn't help

that you and Jeff have
been trying for a while.

Pretty casually, though.
I mean, whatever.

If it happens, great.
But we don't wanna put



any pressure on ourselves.
Except for the pressure

of you on me.

Come on. Where's that handsome
dummy of yours?

He would have liked that.

Adam's at the bus station.

Why? Does he like it
when the wheels on the bus

go round and round?

Well, he's picking up
our latest house guest.

You guys have a lot
of those.

Yeah, thanks to Adam's
hippie parents.

They travel the country
and meet these

interesting people and then
tell them to look us up

if they're ever in New York.

Well, if they're
from some place really cool

you guys can go on a great
vacation and stay for free.

And here they are.

Oh, please be from Maui.
Please be from Maui.

Hey, everybody.
This is Toby.

JEFF: Hey, Toby.
Hi.

Hey, Toby.
Where you from?

Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

[CHUCKLES] Great.

Toby's Amish.
Jackpot.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I swear, every day

it's another miracle
inside me.

Today's natal nuggets:

He can now hear me
because he's got little ears.

And hopefully little fingers
to stick in them.

So where do you all wanna
go to lunch today?

Oh, how about that
new Japanese place?

It's supposed to be great.
Oh. I can't do sushi.

You know...
Got it.

See, the, uh, mercury
and the potential parasites

could be harmful
to the little one.

Oh, a bonus natal nugget.

Oh. Guys,

I would love to keep looking
at layouts with you,

but I am spent.

[INHALES]

I tell you,

being a vessel
for a life is exhausting.

Hmm, it must be.

It is exhausting
just hearing about it.

Sweetie, you should go
put your feet up.

Audrey can finish
your work.

Right, Audrey?

Yeah. I'd be happy to.

Audrey, you should
let her use your office.

You've got the couch.

Oh, Come on.

She is not the only woman
in the world

who's having a baby.

What do you mean?

I mean there are other--
You--

Never mind.

No, what?
I'm just saying,

some women go
about their day

without making such a big deal
that they're pregnant.

Oh, my God! Audrey,
are you pregnant?

What? Audrey's pregnant?

Oh, my God, why didn't
you tell us?

No, no, I'm not--
This is so exciting.

Audrey, you have
to take it easy.

Sit down.
No, really, I--

If I'd known
you were pregnant,

I never would have given
you Deirdre's work.

Huh? Never what?

You just sit down. Here,
Tracy can finish all this.

Oh, no, guys.

Okay.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

As a gift of appreciation

for opening
your home to me this week,

I'd like to give you this.

Oh. Well, thanks, Toby.

Look, Jen,
we have this now.

It's a hand carved
Pennsylvania Spotted Sparrow.

This is a poor use
of my lunch hour.

Why all the birds, Toby?

I hope to sell them
to pay for my Rumspringa.

Rumspringa?
I wish I spoke Amish.

Rumspringa is when
a young Amish person

leaves home to experience
modern life.

Even after seeing
how the rest of us live,

90 percent return home.
Lord knows why.

But the Lord does know why.

Home is where the heart is.

Your heart's never been
in a truly filthy strip club.

Well, Toby, I gotta
get back to work,

but Jennifer's gonna show you
around this afternoon.

That's right, Toby,
because rock smashes scissors.

[CHUCKLES]

So where are you guys
gonna go?

I don't know. A museum?

Mm. Snoring.

Maybe Central Park.

Oh, an open field.

I bet he's never seen

that before.

Sucks for you, dude.
Worst Rumspringa ever.

If you think
you can do better,

why don't you
show Toby around?

Sorry, Witness,
I roll solo.

Come on. Nobody knows
a young man's New York City

better than you do.

Except maybe
a young man.

I'll do the jokes,
Dimpleton.

Ah, I have you know
that a rolling with me

for a few days would be
the thrill of a lifetime

for this kid.

Well, actually, farm life
is very exciting.

Last year, Uncle Caleb
lost his spectacles

in the wheat field.

Oh, classic Uncle Caleb.

Come on, help me.

[GROANS]
Well,

I've been on a 20 year
Rumspringa me self.

I guess it's time
to give back.

All right, Quaker Oats,
you're with me now. Come on.

Here we go.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, beer cold. Chili hot.
Chair comfy.

[DOOR OPENS]

And playoffs.

[CHEERING ON TV]

Wanna do it?

Yeah.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

That was a pleasant surprise.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

I thought you'd like that.

Where are you going?

To re-heat my chili.

You're right,
it's probably still hot.

[CHUCKLES][SIGHS]

What are you doing,
we cuddled last time.

Who said anything
about cuddling?

Really? Again?

What do you say?

I think I can rally.

Mm-hm.

Twice is gonna be
enough though, right?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Russell and Toby
aren't back?

Not yet.

Oh, I feel terrible.
My mom called

to see how Toby's
visit's going,

and I had to lie to her.

You told her
we didn't leave him

in the custody
of a perverted little troll?

This isn't a joke. I mean,
Toby's our responsibility.

Okay, why don't you
do us a favor.

And tell your parents
to retire the VW bus

and stop sending us
America's rejects.

Oh, here they are.
Hey, how was your day?

It was wonderful. Mr. Russell
knows so many things.

Well, in fairness,
I didn't build the elevator

but I do know
how to make her go.

A-And then he took me
to play video games.

And then out to lunch.

Guess whose heart
now has seen

the inside
of a filthy strip club?

One lady was so silly.

She sat upon my lap
upside down.

I'm sorry
about that, Toby.

Oh, I wasn't complaining.

[RUSSELL LAUGHING]

Well, uh, tonight
Adam and I

thought we'd take you
to the planetarium.

Yeah, it's really cool.

It's just like looking
at the stars,

except it's the ceiling.

Yeah.

That sounds fun.

Um, but Mr. Russell
had mentioned

something about
female oil wrestling.

Russell, I--
What? He's a sports fan.

All right, great. Well,
then I am gonna meet

my girlfriends downtown
for dinner.

See you.
What about the planetarium?

We were supposed
to get wasted.

Russell. Adam. Amish.

Hello.

So I just completed a command
performance with the missus,

who then demanded an encore.

Really?

I'm not one
to kiss and tell,

but let's just say twice.

I don't understand.

What's going on?

Uh, how do I put this?

Ah, two times
he banged upon Miss Audrey.

Oh!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I say we use three shots
of the living room,

it's just so spectac--

[YAWNS]
Excuse me.

Oh, that's okay,
you should be tired.

Your body's going through
some big changes.

Hm?

Yeah. Well, yeah.

Sure is.

Audrey, easy.

Oh, it's all right.
He's a tough little guy.

Little guy?
Does that mean it's a boy?

Sure.

Do you guys have your name
picked out?

Um, you know we're
somewhere between Jared and...

We're really
leaning toward Jared.

Oh, w-we were thinking
of Jared.

Mm. I kind of said it first.

Oh, gosh. Can my ankles
be swollen already?

Oh, I think I need
to go put my feet up.

Oh, absolutely.
I got it from here.

We were also thinking
of Steven.

Our middle name.

Hi, Laura.
Is Audrey around?

Sure, I'll tell her
you're here.

I'll tell her myself.

I wanna surprise her,
take her to lunch.

That's so sweet of you.

Congratulations,
by the way.

On what?
You don't have to be coy.

Audrey told us the big news.

Not that she had to.

It was obvious, she was
so exhausted this morning.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

She told you?

Wow. I-- I didn't know

she was going wide
with this information.

Well, when something
like this happens,

you just have
to tell somebody.

Mm-hm.
I couldn't agree more.

I like to tell everybody but...

Audrey's usually a little
more private about this.

Oh, well, we dragged
all the details out of her.

Um, including the name.

Well, uh, boy,
I-- I didn't know women

were so interested
in this kind of stuff.

Are you kidding? Sometimes
it's all we think about.

You know, it's pretty much
all I think about too.

There he is, you did it.
You're the man.

Surprise.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Taking you to lunch.

You told everyone
we had sex two times last night?

What?

They're all
congratulating me.

I am a rock star out there.

Yes. Yes.

They are congratulating you

because we had sex twice
last night.

Mm. Sorry, I just couldn't
keep it to myself.

Because it was that good.

Because it was that good.

Uh, y-you told them
the name?

What?
Little Jeff.

Yeah, I must have
let that slip.

Listen, I just heard
the news,

and I know this is personal,

but my husband and I
have been trying.

How long did it take
you guys?

Counting the time
in between?

Uh, l-let's go.

You have him call me.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Turkey burger for you.

And here's
your cheeseburger.

I made it a double

because I know how you like
everything twice.

You are not wrong.

Did you have
to tell everybody?

You told everybody at work.

Besides, I didn't tell her.

It just came up
in conversation.

That came up
in conversation?

She said she put
in a double shift last night.

How do I not say my thing?

Ah,El Doble.

That one's a little harder
to explain.

Ugh, hey, guys.

Audrey, I just got a message
from Laura at your work.

Something about
a shower for you?

Y-Yeah, that-- Its--
Funny story.

I once went to work
straight from the gym

without showering. Ha!

It was a bit of an issue.

I remember that day.

Yeah, I think I remember
that day too.

Well, it's under control,
now, so...

Um, hey, where's that little
farmer friend of yours?

I feel kind of bad. We pawned
him off on Russell again.

He wanted to go. You know,
and it's not that big of a deal.

He's only gone out
with him twice.

Twice. Like the number
of times

Audrey and I did it
last night.

Jeff!

What? She brought it up.

JENNIFER:
Oh, boy.

Mm.

Russell.

Amish Russell.

Mr. Russell helped me
to pick out

some more modern garb.

[CHUCKLES]
JENNIFER: Modern?

It looks more like 1970's
porno wardrobe.

You're right. It is.

He knows what porno is?

Grumpy. Somebody only
got it once today.

Hey, listen.

Check this out.

Tonight I'm gonna take
my man Toby

and we're gonna hit-eth
a secret party downtown.

I am told it will not
be on the chain.

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

How do you not love
this kid?

You should hear him swear,
it's hysterical.

Well, Jen and I
are responsible for him,

so just make sure he's still
Amish when you're done.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

You should be thanking me.
If it wasn't for me,

he'd be spending
his Rumspringa on your couch

whittling his wood.

I'm not even kidding
he would literally

be whittling his wood.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So you lied to your husband,

your co-workers,
and your boss.

That's one way to put it.

And your plan
is to keep having sex,

hoping to get pregnant so that
no one knows that you lied.

Crazier things
have happened.

I'm not sure they have.

It was my only shot.
All right?

Because I am screwed

if I don't have
something in here

by the 15th of next month.

Why then?

I promised sonogram
pictures of Jared.

You named him Jared?

I wasn't gonna
let Deirdre have it.

You're not actually
having a baby.

Look, if you're not part
of the solution,

you're part of the problem.

[DOOR OPENS]

Took some work, but I managed
to get through the whole day

without finding out who won

that playoff game last night.

Wanna have sex?
Yes, I do.

Don't mention the game.

Oh, there goes our foreplay.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hold that thought.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, wow.

Ha-ha. Don't mind that.
That's for me.

I'll just get
rid of that.

What were all
those balloons?

[BALLOONS POPPING]

What balloons?

I didn't see any balloons.
It's from your work.

What's, uh, with the bird
on this card?

Is this a stork?

[SCOFFS]
That's a bird.

That's just a regular,

"Congratulations
on all your sex" bird.

Audrey, are you pregnant?

No, I'm not. But, uh,

everyone at work
kind of thinks I am.

Well, I told you
to stop hitting

those muffins so hard.

No. It was
a misunderstanding,

and I didn't
correct it and...

And now I get to take naps
in the afternoon.

Oh, so you're not pregnant.

You're insane.

Look, I know it was
a stupid thing to do.

I'm sorry I dragged
you into it.

I can't believe this.

That's why everyone
at your office

was so happy for me.

Jeff, I wasn't trying
to trick you--

So nobody there knows
we did it twice.

That's why you're upset?

Yeah.

You really think I would tell
everyone at my work

that we had sex twice?

The people at the diner
were pretty fired up.

Yeah, we may have to find
some place new to eat.

So I guess twice
had nothing to do

with me being that good.

No, you were good.

Yeah, once good.

Honey, I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

I was just embarrassed.

Tomorrow I will tell everybody
at work the truth.

That we did it twice?

No, that I lied
about being pregnant.

But th-that doesn't mean
that we can't still do it.

[SIGHS]Come on.

How about right now.

You're only offering
because you feel guilty.

Jeff.
No, no, I'll take it.

I'm--

I just wanna go on record
as saying

it's because
you feel guilty.

You know what?
You are that good.

Ah, thanks.

But only once.
I almost died last night.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, hey, hey, where's Toby?

He didn't come home
last night.

Oh, yeah. He's sleeping
it off at my house.

Oh, that party was bananas.

I put the spring
in his Rumspringa.

[CHUCKLES]
Ooh, and the rum.

You let him drink?

Well, those shots weren't
gonna suck themselves

out of the cheerleaders'
belly buttons.

Oh, nice. Yeah.

What, you have
an outie.

You know, maybe this
is my calling.

Maybe every Amish kid
should hang out with me

for a while and see
what he's missing.

What if he doesn't wanna
go back to his family

and Amish lifestyle?

You know, his parents
are gonna call us and scream.

Duh, they don't have phones.

I mean, the worst we'll get is
a quilt with a few angry panels.

[LAUGHS]
Hey, there he is.
Two days with me,

and he went from
a-plowing a field

to a-plowing a field.

I hear you had
a crazy night last night.

Yeah, uh, I can't do
belly shots with her,

just spills everywhere.

I like the old school
outfit, dude.

There better
be a zipper on there,

because we're going
to Chinatown,

there's a massage place toward--
There's no need, Mr. Russell.

Your plan worked.
I'm going home.

Ah, yeah, my plan.
What plan was that?

Your plan to teach me
what's really important in life

by showing me an existence

so empty
and devoid of meaning.

Yeah. You figured
that one out, did you?

How could I not?

I mean, obviously no one
lives a life that shallow.

[CHUCKLES]

Obviously.

Thank you again
for showing me

the depths of depravity--
Yeah, yeah. No, no, we got it.

All right, so you gotta
get running.

So you gotta scram.
He's gotta hayride, I think so--

Come on, Toby. We'll take you
to the bus station.

Okay.

Bye, Mr. Russell.
Yeah.

Now that I'm leaving you can
resume living your real life.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Can't wait
to get back to that.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, mama,
how you feeling?

Oh, good,
you got the basket.

Uh, yeah, listen, guys.
I have to tell you something.

See, the-- The truth is,
I should return that to you

because, uh, I'm not pregnant.

See what happened was--

Oh, you don't have
to say it.

And you know
it's totally normal.

You just need
to keep trying.

Oh, no. No, no, no, see--

No, look. Just take a couple
of days off.

Okay?

Oh, I don't...

Maybe that would be best.

Oh.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, my God, your outfit
is so cute.

Mm, I've never met
an Amish guy before.

Yes, I am innocent
to your big city ways,

and I have only
my Rumspringa to experience

the carnal joys of modern life.

Wait, Rumspringa?

Isn't that for,
like, teenagers?

Yes, it is.

Wow, you look
much older than that.

Yes, it's a hard life
on the farm.

Hey, can I get a vodka tonic,
no ice? Thank you.

Tell me, thy belly button,

wouldst they be
an innie or outie?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]