Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 4 - Dad's Visit - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hey.

How'd you do in your game?
Good.

Three hits, four hot dogs,
five beers.

Nice.

What am I
looking at here?

Where?
Down here. This thing

is blocking my view
of the floor.

Just a little area rug.

I picked it up
this morning.

All right, so I know what it is
and who did it.



Still haven't
established a motive.

I've been thinking
it would be nice

to add a little color
to our kitchen.

So this morning I saw that,
thought it worked well,

so I bought it.

What'd they get you for?

They didn't "get me", babe,
it cost $80.

Oh, they got you.

I thought
it was pretty, okay?

It's an extension
of my style.

Your style wasn't
long enough?

Can't I do things to make
our home more pleasant

without every time having
to go through this?

Hey, I have to hear
that speech every time.



You're right, Jeff.
You know,

why make our
apartment nicer?

Why buy things?

Why have art?
Why do anything?

That's all I'm saying.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪

♪ With you by my side ♪

♪ There is no denyin' ♪

♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪

[♪♪♪]

I'll have three eggs:

One sunny-side up,
the other over easy,

and the third,

surprise me.

Surprise! Your
cholesterol's a million.

You can just have them
make it with egg whites.

Sorry.

Oh, and half a dozen
brownies to go.

No, I said
I would bake brownies.

Jeff's dad's coming
for a visit,

which means I have
to put on an apron

and make desset
for the menfol.

Where's he
coming in from?

Nineteen-fifty seven.

Hey. Is it
asking too much

we make him feel
at home in our apartment?

Oh, Fine.
Thank you.

Just don't forget
you have an actual

modern-day wife, okay?
Let me say that I swear

on the souls of
my grandchildren

that I will not be
the one to break the peace

that we have
made here today.

Why's he
looking at me?

The Godfather?

Oh, no.
I never saw it.

You've never seen
The Godfather?

Oh, here we go.

My parents were hippie.
They didn't want me

to watch anything violent.
Close your eyes,

because I'm gonna punch you
in the face.

All my friendships are based on
the shared love

of the greatest film
of all time.

I've been trying
to get Adam to watch

Gone With the Wind
since we met.

If you have any hope for
the future of our friendship,

you'll make this right.

Your-- Your breath
is really warm.

Now look, the little kid
fromJerry Maguire grew up.

[LAUGHING]

Easy, Stonehenge.
I'm in no mood.

AUDREY.

Which ride were you not
tall enough to go on?

All right, listen,
so I had a date last night.

And it's pretty normal,
chat, chat, chat,

drink, drink, drink,

we go back to my place,
everything comes off,

"Oh, I needs it.",
"Well, oh, I gots it."

[IMITATES BED SPRING SQUEAKING]

Game over,
thanks for playing.

I'm assuming
that was all in real time.

The problem is,
I wake up this morning,

she's still there.

You should have paid
her in advance.

You must have
been in a bad accident.

Looks like both airbags
deployed.

So, uh, it's kind
of understood,

when a girl
sleeps with me,

she slinks out in the middle
of the night before I get up.

It's called
the "walk of shame,"

not the "lie there in bed
next to me of shame."

So-- So, what'd
you do?

So when she got in the shower
I made a break for it.

Wait, what happens
when she gets out of the showe?

Ideally, she sees I'm gone,

gets the hint,
and hightails it out of there

wondering what happened to her
life and her pa-pa-panties.

[♪♪♪]

So we drive it
all the way back,

we got one deer strapped
to the roof,

two tied to the sides,

and one propped up
in the back seat

wearing sunglasses. Uh?

[LAUGHS]

It was hilarious.

JEFF:
God, I wish I had been there.

It's a funny story,
huh, Aud?

Yes, what makes it funny
is-- Is the high body count

of defenseless animals.

Yeah.

I gotta tell you,
it's really nice being here.

Boy, you're looking great,
champ.

I'm glad your business
is doing so well.

And Audrey, you're a gal who
knows her way around a steak.

Oh, well, thanks, Roy.

I don't know if Jeff
mentioned it, but, you know,

I got a promotion at work.

Attagirl. What'd you use
for marinate?

Some kind of teriyaki?

Dad, remember you used
to take us to Benihana's

all the time?
Yeah.

Hey, that was
some good Chinese.

It's actually Japanese.

That's what all those
waiters said too.

How about getting me
another beer, sweetie?

You know what,
Roy?

Jeff and I really want you
to feel at home here.

So please, feel free,
any time you want,

just go walk right
into the kitchen

and get yourself a beer--

I'll get it for you.

No, no, she's right.
She's right.

Two tours in 'Nam,
I can certainly get my own bee.

Be right back.

You see that?

People can change.

All it takes is a little
encouragement

from the right person.

[LOUD THUD]
[ROY SCREAMS]

Aw! Oh!

Pop,
what happened?

Stupid rug.

Thank God the Vietcong
didn't have these.

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOTS ON TV]

This is my
new favorite movie.

Ooh, take that,Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants.

[PHONE RINGS]

Whoa. Pause it.

Oh, no it's
my doorman Ernesto.

Heather's still
at my place.

Looks like
we got us a stayer.

What's a stayer?

Uh, how do I
put this

in a way that's not
demeaning to women?

Are you familiar
with barnacles?

Okay, I get it.

Yeah, you know wha,
it's my own fault.

I'm too nice.

Time to scrape the hull.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna have my
super shut off the water.

Oh, you wanna dance, Heather?
We'll dance.

I just hope dancing
doesn't make you thirsty.

What are you guys--?

The Godfather?
Really?

What?
I've been begging you to watch

Gone With the Wind forever,
and you blow me off.

Jeff tells you to watch
The Godfather,

and you rent it
like you're his bitch?

I'm not his bitch.

He just makes me
do stuff sometimes.

You wanted me to go to the
X Games with you, I did.

You wanted me to play paintball
with you, I did.

And you shot me
in the neck.

Because you gave away
our position.

My point is,
I did it

because it was
important to you.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Yikes.

I thought that
would never end.

Where are you goin?

I'm watching
Gone With the Wind.

Why?
Because, Russell, she's right.

If it's important to her,
it's important to me.

She's my fiancée.

Oh, fine,
let a woman dictate

how you run your life.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going...

anywhere but home.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Audrey,
honey?

Yes, Roy?

I got a dead soldier here.
Hit me again, would you?

Sure, yeah.

Did you not like the brownies
I made?

Specifically for you?

Ah. I'm not
a big nut guy.

I guess I could make
you another batch.

Only if it's not
too much trouble.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

A little gooier this time,

as long as you're
redoing them, huh?

Hey, Pop.

Hey.

How's that ankle
feeling?

Not great.

I gotta keep it elevated,

so the beer's
not getting to it.

Where's Audrey?

In her office.

[LAUGHS]

That's a good one.

Hey, Aud.
Hey.

Nine brownies
in the trash?

Yes, Rain Man.

They were too nutty,
and your dad likes them gooey

I like them cakey.

Explain that.

You know,
I am sorry about his ankle,

but in the last hour
I have fetched him beers,

I have made him a sandwich,
I fluffed his pillows

and tracked down the phone
number for Frito-Lay.

He had both a question
and a comment.

Aud, it's not like the ankle
thing was his fault.

He's not the one
who put out

the $80 rug of death.

What a surprise,
you're siding with him.

I don't always side with him.
For example,

he likes
his brownies gooey,

whereas I like mine--

Cakey.

[♪♪♪]

[MAN SCREAMING OVER TV]

Hm.

Maybe I should use the old
horse's head trick

to get Heather
out of my place.

She's been
in bed with you.

I don't think a horse's head
would scare her.

Oh.The Godfather.

I see.

The reason we're watching
The Godfather, Jennifer,

is because I finished
Gone With the Wind.

Really? You did?

Mm-hm.
As God is my witness.

Oh, yuck, look,
it's skin crawling.

Did you like it?

Oh, yeah.
It was totally sweeping,

and-- And epic-y.

"Frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn."

Screw you, you're the one
who made me watch it.

No, it's from the movie.
At the end.

Oh, yeah, the end when she's
never going to be hungry again.

No. That's the end
of part one.

There-- There's a part two?

Yes.

Did you know
about this?

I kinda did.

You are gonna love
part two even more.

Watch it while
I go to the gym,

and then we can
talk about it.

Okay,
it's-- It's great.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I-- I can't do this.

I mean, part one
already stole my youth.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

We'll watch the end
ofGodfather,

and then I'll summarize

the rest of
Gone With the Wind.

Give you all the key
talking points

so when Jen comes back
you're good to go.

Okay, I-- I just can't believe
I'm taking advice

from someone who's trying to
smoke a woman out of the hole.

Oh, my God,
thank you.

That's great.

Ernesto,

do you have any smoke bombs
leftover from Cinco de Mayo?

Excellent.

All right,
here's what we do.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]
Thanks, sweetie.

Oh, and Aud.

What do
you need, Roy?

Another utensil to scratch
under your boot,

or is the cake knife from our
wedding still doing the trick?

I was just gonna say

that I'm sorry for putting you
out like this.

I know you've been busting your
hump for me all day,

and I appreciate it.

Oh, well,

thanks, Roy.

There is actually
just one more little thing,

and then I promise-- I promise,
I won't ask for anything else.

Sure.
What is it?

I'm gonna need the info
on your homeowner's policy.

For what?
I got a file to claim

on my ankle.

You're suing us?

I'm sorry.

I'll wait till
Jeff gets home.

He'll know where
the important papers are.

Hey, you're getting there.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Pop,
Aud.

Hey, Jeff.

Dad and I over here
just chatting about

his plans to sue us.

What?
It's not suing,

it's just one big company
taking money

from another big company.

I mean, these doctor
bills and x-rays,

they're not gonna
pay for themselves.

Yeah,
that's true.

That's true?

Jeff, can I see you
in the kitchen?

Careful, son.

That rug might be
lying in wait,

like Charlie
in a rice paddy.

What's with
the green grapes?

I thought we were
red grape people.

Shut up.
Your father is suing us.

This is insane!

Stop yelling,
I don't want Dad to hear.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, can we use your apartment
for just a second?

Sure.
Come on in.

Thanks. How the hel
can you think

this is okay?
A father should not sue

his son and
his daughter-in-law!

He's not suing us,
he's just filing a claim.

Oh. Jeff, I am right,
and he is wrong.

Just once,
take my side!

It's not personal.

It's business.

Oh, hey, that's what Tom Hagen
said to Sonny.

You watched it.

You made me an offer
I couldn't refuse.

How great is
the restaurant scene--?

Jeff!
Look, there's no need

to get all emotional
about this.

Oh, of course,
the woman is emotional.

You sound just like him.

Hey, I take that
as a compliment.

My father is a great guy.
Yes, in many ways, yes.

But he's always thought
women are inferior.

That's not true.
He's crazy about my mom.

Because she spends all her time
waiting on him hand and foot.

But you know what?
Now you can take care of him.

Because I am done.

You and Jen set
that wedding day yet?

[♪♪♪]

Oh, this is
unbelievable.

What now?

It's a text from Ernesto.

Smoke bombs are a no go,

but my stayer ordered
a pizza.

You're good, Heather.
But I'm better.

Hey, Ernesto,
are you hungry?

Take it down.

So?
Hey.

Was the second half
as good as the first?

Oh, even better.

Okay, tell me
everything.

What'd you like?

Oh. Well, I thought
it was pretty moving

when Scarlett
was reduced

to picking cotton
in the fields.

Oh, I know.
But Tara was

that important to her.
I know, I know.

And when she made the dress
out of the curtains?

That's probably happening
at my apartment as we speak.

All right, what else?
Well, my favorite was

all that cool stuff that
happened to Rhett

when he went out west
and met the local Sioux tribe.

What?

You know, and they
gradually accept him.

And then he meets that white
woman who was raised

by Indians...

Are you talking about
Dances With Wolves?

No!

You kinda are.

What?

I didn't really saw the end
ofGone With the Wind either.

Why would you
do that?

Listen,
in my defense,

I wanted to watch
The Godfather,

and I don't care if I create
problems for other people.

[♪♪♪]

Like old times,
huh, sport?

Yeah.

When I was little,

I used to sit on your lap

and watch the Mets.

Mm. By the fourth inning,
I couldn't feel my legs.

You were never little,
sport.

Yeah, and Mom would
bring you a beer,

and me a root beer.

[LAUGHS]

Remember the time
we got them mixed up?

No.

I'm not surprised.
You were pretty smashed.

Speaking of which,
I could use another cold one.

I got you, Pop.

What? Hey, no,
you don't have to do that, son.

Where's Audrey?

Well, she went
to the gym.

You know, Pop,

Audrey was kind of put out
by that whole

insurance thing.

I hope she gets back soon.

I'm feeling
a little peckish.

I'm sure you heard me.
I was saying

she was upset before.

Well, I'm not surprised.

She's like your mom,
you know.

They tend
to get emotional.

Yeah, I did check
with our insurance guy

and he said that our premiums
would probably go up.

Yeah, that's
how they get you

In this case,
that's how they get me.

Hey, she'll still be able
to buy her stupid rugs.

Hey, it's not stupid.

It adds color
to the kitchen.

It's an extension
of Audrey's style.

Okay,
just get me the beer.

You know what, Pop?
Audrey was right.

About what?
You don't file a claim

against your own family.

And you don't come in here
and treat my wife

like a second-class citizen.

Whoa, this is the way
you talk to your father?

When he's got it coming.
You can act like some

kind of caveman in your own
home, but in our house,

women are equal to men.
They're men with boobs.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, it's officia.

Thank you for watching
Gone with the Wind.

So I passed?
Yeah, you got eight,

out of the 10
multiple choice right.

And your essay was solid
but not spectacular.

Hey, guys.
This is Heather.

Heather, this is
Adam and Jenn.

I'm gonna
go to the ladies.

Can you order me something? I
haven't eaten in so long,

I'm pretty lightheaded.

Yeah, you got it.
Yeah.

So, that's the stayer?

Oh, yeah.

Thirty-seven hours
she stuck it out.

No food,
no running water.

Just the clothes
on her back.

Wow. So why'd you
finally go home?

Was it the government's new
No Skank Left Behind law?

No, it wasn't.

You know, the longer
she hung in there,

the more impressed I was
with her sheer force of will.

She really earned my respect
and deserves a reward.

Oh, and going out with you
is the reward?

I'm sorry, I was distracted
by the crumb in your mustache.

Hey, at least
she can grow a mustache.

Don't help.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, thanks, Oscar.

Dad, your cab's outside.

Better hurry.
The meter's probably running.

That's how
they get you.

[DISHES CLATTERING]

Hey.
Thanks again.

Hey, all 21st century men
help with the dishes.

[LAUGHS]

I meant thank you
for sticking up for me

with your dad.

Well, you know.

I know.

You are a good man.

And you are a good man

with boobs.

[LAUGHS]

ROY:
Come on, guys, I'm ready.

You know that
meter's running.

Well, goodbye, Roy.

Sorry again
about your ankle.

Just think
of my busted tendon

as an extension
of your style.

And I'm sorry I was such
a pain in the ass.

Ah, don't worry
about it.

Here, some brownies
for the road.

Oh. Gooey?

You'll need
a straw.

[LAUGHS]

Come here.

Come here, hey.

Son?

Nice seeing you, Pop.
Okay, buddy.

Thanks for
everything, guys.

See you a week
from Thursday.

You got it.
Wait.

What's a week
from Thursday?

The, uh, deposition.

What?

I thought you told him
not to pursue that.

I did, but it doesn't mean
he listened.

He's my dad.
Unbelievable.

At least you and I
are on the same side.

How do you figure?

Codefendants.

Hm?

Yeah.
Mm-hm.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Mm,

cakey.

"I know it was you, Fredo.

"You broke my heart.

You broke my heart."

You watched Part Two?

"You keep your friends close
but your enemies closer."

"In my home! In my bedroom!
Where my wife sleeps,

and my children play
with their toys!"

Both of those movies
are unbelievable.

I told you.
Welcome back, friend.

And you will be happy to know
that I also watched Part Three.

Best one of all!

What?

You're dead to me.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]