Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 3 - Jeff's New Friend - full transcript

Oh, for God's sake,
just use a toothpick.

Done.
Sesame seed dislodged.

Oh, put it back
and I divorce you.

I divorce you.

You won.

Did I?

Okay, I bet Jeff will know.

It's not important.
Okay.

Who's that actor
who's in all those movies?

Little early
in the morning for this.

No, he was in one
of the Speeds.



Bus or boat?
Bus. But not the main guy.

Jeff Daniels.
Yes. Told you he'd know.

Super. Now we can move on
with our lives.

What about Jeff Daniels?

I just saw a guy
who kind of looked like him.

For my time.

Hey, Jeff.

Brad. This is my wife, Audrey.
Hi.

These are our friends
Adam and Jennifer.

Hey.
I met Brad at the gym.

He had my back in a fight.

It wasn't exactly a fight.

We banded together against
a pregnant woman

who wanted to watch The View.



All she got was a view of us
watching sports.

We make a good team.

They should make a buddy cop
show about us.

Yeah, like, uh, LethalWeapon.

It's got a black guy
and a white guy.

I'll be the black guy.

I never get to be
the black guy.

Oh, you know
who would be good on that show?

Who's that short guy?
The one that's funny?

Maybe just look
at a menu for a bit.

Hey, if you're interested,

some pals and I are getting
together at a sports bar

to watch the game.
You're welcome to join.

"Sports" and "bar."
My two favorite words.

Where's the word "wife"
on that list?

Right between "refill"
and "bacon."

I'll text you the details.

Nice to have met you.
See you, Jeffrey.

I gotta say,
I'm a little proud of myself.

Before you met me,

you would never have had
a friend like Brad.

What are you talking about?
I got a bunch of black friends.

The Knicks
are not your friends.

Not the way
they're playing now.

I meant a gay friend.

What? Who's gay?
I mean, gay.

I... I think Brad
might be gay.

Yeah, I got that vibe too.

Why? Was he checking me out?

He was checking me out,
wasn't he?

No.

No, he was. You probably
didn't notice it.

I get that kind of heat
all the time.

Yes, and it's not weird
at all that you're proud of it.

Sorry to disappoint you,
but Brad's not gay.

He just got married.

Really?

Yeah. Up in Boston.

Oh. Where it's legal
to pronounce a couple

"husband and husband."

Oh, come on.

Well, have you met his wife?

No, she's out of town.
What's her name?

I think Jackie.
Oh, like Jackie Gleason.

Jackie Robinson.
Jackie Chan.

Jackie! That's the short guy
that I was thinking of.

Look, Brad's not gay.
I can tell.

How?
Because we showered in a room

full of guys
and he didn't...react.

Oh, you checked?

What? No!

Just shut up.

He did call you "Jeffrey."

The only other person
who calls you that

is the guy that lives upstairs

who puts a sweater
on his poodle.

And when he left he did say,
"Nice to have met you."

That's kind of gay.

How do you figure?

It's just so charming.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the table
where happiness goes to die.

This is me new
special friend, Amanda.

Hi.
Hi.

Why don't you grab that booth?

I'll be there in two seconds.
Okay.

Nice to meet you.

That's how straight people
say it.

Look at what she's wearing.

Hopefully she'll be
wearing the same thing

when she stumbles out
of my apartment.

Well, you better set an alarm.

You wouldn't want her
to miss homeroom.

I mean, what are you
gonna do all day?

Lay low, dodge the Amber Alert?

Seriously, Russell,

she's young enough
to be your daughter.

Well, that wraps up
this edition of.

"You think it's a shot,
I take it as a compliment."

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

Hey.
Hey, buddy.

You gonna saddle up?

Nah. Today I'm gonna do
some weights.

I gotta feed the pythons.

Hey.

What do you think of that?

Nice.

Really? Good to know.

You just don't see
spandex like that anymore.

Yeah, you don't.

That's a lot of weight.

Ah, it's mostly muscle.

I meant on the bar.
I'd better spot you.

Okay.

All right. One.

Two.

Three.

I may skip it.

Not feeling it today?

Oh, I felt it a little.

You're feeling it tonight.
Looking forward to the game.

Oh, hey, is, uh, Jackie coming?

No, no, Jackie is not
into sports.

Yeah, neither is my...

person I'm in a committed
relationship with.

Your wife?
Yeah.

I call her my "person I'm in a
committed relationship with."

It's a pet name.

What do you call yours?

My husband.

And she doesn't mind that?

You know I'm gay, right?

Of course.
You're gay as hell.

Good.
Because for a second,

it sounded like you thought
Jackie was a woman.

A woman? No, no, no.
Jackie's a dude. Just like you.

Otherwise it would be
pretty awkward.

Well, nothing more awkward
than being gay as hell

and finding out the guy
you're married to is straight.

Oh, please.
If I had a nickel.

Anyway. I'll see you later.

Hey, you still got the weight.

It's mostly muscle.

Right? So I said
to the limo driver,

"If this thing is a stretch,
I'm Shaquille O'Neal."

That's funny.
Yeah. It is.

Because I'm clearly not him.

I like you, Russell.

Most guys
wouldn't hang in there

after only getting a peck
on the cheek

the first two dates.

Well, I think
it's very important

to get to know someone, uh,

emotionally
before getting physical.

Physical, of course,

still what
we're working toward.

Well, good things come
to those who wait.

Ah, well, let me take
your order because I'm a waiter.

I'll get us some more wine.

Okay, I'll be right here
in the waiting room.

Hey, who's this woman in the,
uh, picture here with you?

Oh, that's my mother.

Okay, uh,
remember when Audrey said

Amanda was young enough
to be my daughter?

Yeah.
Yeah. She may be.

She may literally
be my daughter.

How is that possible?

I saw a picture of her mom.

It's some girl I had
a one-nighter with

back in college.

Oh, my God.

You went to college?

Wait. So you and Amanda
haven't already...

No. No, no, no.

So I'm either proud
my little girl's not a slut,

or pissed that the ice queen's
not giving it up.

Did she freak out
when you told her

about you and her mother?
I didn't tell her.

Why not?
I don't wanna ruin

any future sex I may be having

with her
if she's not my daughter.

Oh, that is beautiful.

Does she knows
who the father is?

I don't know.
Her mom says her real dad

is just some scumball that
she hooked up with

and she's embarrassed
she ever slept with him.

So that fits.
Yeah.

I know, right?

This is weird.

For you weird, I mean.

Like something that's weird
for regular people,

is normal for you.

You know? Like, something
that'd be weird for you

has to be
off-the-charts deranged.

Yes, okay, I have a grasp
of the situation. Thank you.

Okay, so you can't
date her anymore.

No, no, no.
Not until I get the, uh,

test results
of the DNA from the lab.

This lab of yours,

I assume you have them
on a monthly rate?

Mm-hm.
You're going CSI?

Oh, yeah. Full on.

I got a hair sample
from her brush,

and for comparison,
a semen sample from me.

Also from her brush?

No.

Why didn't you just
give them a hair sample too?

Oh, that's real fun.

Hey.
Hey.

How was the gym?

Gym was good.

Was, uh, Brad there?

Yeah.

So?

So...

You were right.

I told you so, Jeffrey.

You don't have
to hold it over my head,

like Brad did this morning.

I am proud of you.

You made yourself a gay friend.

Well, it would've saved
some confusion

if he was a little more
up front about it.

When you meet people,
do you say, "Hi, I'm Jeff.

I'm straight"?
Oh, please.

When the sun meets people,
does it say.

"Hi, I'm the sun. I'm hot?"

Hard to argue
with a sentence that begins,

"When the sun meets people."

Okay, I'm gonna order
a large pizza for the game.

What you like on your slice?

Make it something I like,
just in case.

I thought you were watching
the game at the bar with Brad.

Ah, I don't feel
like going out.

So you're cancelling on Brad
because he's gay?

What? No.

I don't care what people do
in their own bedrooms.

I could do without
their parades

screwing up traffic,
but whatever.

The Irish and Puerto Ricans
do that too.

Why don't you complain
when the Mets have a parade?

Because they won something.

They don't have a parade
just to say:

"We're here, we play baseball,
get used to it."

Please tell me
you don't talk like this

outside our apartment.

I may. I don't always
listen to myself.

Well you should, Jeff,

because you sound
kind of homophobic.

You were going to watch
the game with Brad,

you found out he was gay,
you cancelled.

Not because he was gay.

Then why?

We have nothing in common.

You have watching
the game in common.

It would be like watching
with someone who speaks

a different language.
If I watched with a French guy,

I'd be like, "Great play."

And he'd be like, "Ooh-la-la,
Camembert, souffle."

Wow.

Tell yourself
anything you want.

You don't wanna hang out
with a gay person.

Or a French person.

Look, it's not like
we're gonna be buddies.

What if we're at the diner
with the guys

complaining about women?
What's poor Brad gonna do?

Why don't you just
not complain about women?

It's not really up to me,
is it?

All right.
Yay or nay on this pie?

Unbelievable.
What?

You. You are homophobic.

That is ridiculous.
No, you know

damn well
if Brad were straight,

you would be
at that bar tonight.

And the fact you're not,
that makes you a homophobe.

All right, that's it.
Where are you going?

I'm gonna watch the game with
Brad and his gay pals.

You will see
that I am not a homophobe.

I am a homofriend.

This place is sweet.
Thanks for inviting me.

Well, didn't want you to waste
that heat-seeking shirt.

Oh, thanks.
You know, I just got this.

It's actually
a cotton poly-blend...

Shut up.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Glad you came along.

Nice shirt.
Thanks, man.

Little hot in here, isn't it?

Game started yet?

No, Fergie just finished

dry-humping
the national anthem.

Oh, say can you see the Botox?

Fergie.

Oh, uh, William, Roger,
Adam, Jeffrey.

Jeff. Just Jeff.
No Frey.

Jeff and I belong
to the same club.

Health club.
You know, a gym.

My wife's a member too.

My wife Audrey, woman.

Jeff is straight, in case anyone
missed that sledgehammer.

Uh, I'll go get us some drinks.

I'll go with you.

Hold on a second.
I wanna ask you something.

Come here.

Come here.

What do you think
about Adam and Roger?

Uh, no, no, no.
Adam's not gay.

Are you sure?

No, I'm not.

I just can't tell anymore.

And that haircut
doesn't exactly scream,

"I like girls."

All right, beers for you guys,

and I decided to try
a sea breeze.

Does that drink comes
with a blouse?

Of course not,
and why would it?

In fact, let me try.

Wow, that is refreshing.

Brad, would you like
to try that?

Really? I get to be
the third mouth on that straw?

Maybe that busboy
with the cold sore

should get in there first.

Whoa, check out that play.

Oh. I got that guy
on my fantasy team.

You know, Jeff plays
fantasy baseball.

Oh yeah?
Who's on your team?

Oh, well,
I just got A-Rod.

I didn't just get a rod.

I just picked up
Alex Rodriguez.

I didn't pick him up,
I traded for him.

So to sum it up,
you have Alex Rodriguez,

and you don't have an erection.

My current status.

Oh, jeez, too much head.

God. Excuse me.

What was that? Did you have
a stroke or something?

Why A-Rod? Why couldn't
I've said, Albert Pujols?

Pujols.

That's worse than A-Rod.

You're freaking yourself out.

I don't know what's happening.

In my ears everything I say
sounds wrong.

In everyone else's ears too.

Maybe Audrey was right. I am
uncomfortable around gay people.

Mm. Doesn't seem
like a picnic for them either.

I gotta get out of here
before I say

something really stupid.
Well, you better leave

10 minutes ago.

Are you coming?

Hell, no. I still got
half a breeze left.

Jeffrey.

Where you going?

You know what?

Audrey just called
and she wants me home.

I am so disappointed.

I didn't think you were
that kind of guy.

I'm sorry. But my father
was very old-fashioned...

Dude, you are so whipped.
What?

Well, your wife calls,
and you come running home.

I told Jackie
I was working late tonight.

Right, I am that kind of guy.

Uh...

You lied to Jackie?

Well, his parents are in town,
I needed a break.

No, no. I get it.
By the way, I am not whipped.

I lie to Audrey all the time.

Yeah? Well,
what are you using now,

because Jackie
is starting to catch on

to the working late thing.

I've had some success
with broken down subway.

And, uh, stuck in elevator

and fight with hot dog vendor.

That one's often not a lie.

Okay, but how do you
keep track of all of them?

I keep a chart in my wallet.

I would very much like
to see that.

Buy me a beer
and I'll show it to you.

After the beer do I still
get to see the chart?

That's some good
gay humor there.

All right.

Yes, I know I've called twice,

but I'm kind of anxious
for the results.

Fine, but if this were
in Las Vegas

Grissom would've cracked
this case hours ago.

Oh, hey, Amanda.
What are you doing here?

Well, like I said,

good things come
to those who wait.

And you've waited, so...

Oh, holy moley.

It's time for your good thing.

Okay, come to Daddy.

Oh, wait. That's right,
that's right, that's right.

What's the matter?

I don't know. Maybe nothing.
I'm not sure yet.

You seem confused.

No, it's just right now
my brain is making decisions

that are usually made
elsewhere.

Maybe this will
help clear things up.

Cover yourself up, young lady!

Who was that?

Is this
a role-playing thing?

If it were up to me,
of course it would be.

But it's just
not a good time. Sorry.

Come on. I'm here,
barely wearing anything,

wanting you.
No, not there.

Okay. Heh-heh.

Uh, you know my house,
my rules, so...

Russell, are you not
attracted to me?

No, of course I am.
I mean I-I should be, probably.

You know, depending
on how it turns up.

Um, I think I'm gonna
have to call it a night.

So I'll have
to ask you to leave.

But why?

Because I said so, missy.
That's why.

Now scoot.

I'm sorry.

Ah. Guess I'll go prepare
another sample for the lab.

Yes, it does back up traffic,
as do all parades.

But I wouldn't know
who to talk to about that.

So I have another question.

All right, but not another one
about Anderson Cooper.

With two guys,
you guys must be pretty much

doing it all the time, right?

With no woman there to say no.

It's still a marriage.

There's always someone there
to say no.

Huh. So when
you're done with sex,

does one of you wanna cuddle

and the other one wants
to watch SportCenter?

Yeah, does, like,

Jackie gets upset when you
leave the toilet seat up?

Why don't you write all these
down and I'll get back to you?

Oh, excuse me,

can I get a vanilla sundae,
no nuts, please? Thank you.

Wow. No nuts is right,
Sea Breeze.

Yeah, try not to spill
any on your panties.

Hey, I switched back to beer.

Yeah, after
the white wine spritzer.

Roger bought that for me.

It would have been rude
not to drink it.

Hey, I got the results
of the DNA test.

Russell, this is Brad,
he's gay.

Brad, this is Russell,
he almost slept

with his own daughter.

And I made you uncomfortable?

Well? Is she your daughter?

I don't know.
I haven't opened it.

And I'm not going to.

Why not?
Well,

I don't wanna know either way.

I mean, if it is my daughter,

clearly the mom
doesn't want me in her life,

and I have to respect that.
And if she isn't,

I'd just be disappointed.
Thought of having a child

might give some meaning
to my life,

or a sense of purpose...
She's not your daughter.

Gotta go.

So anyway, now that
we're getting married,

I've decided to try
and stop getting heat

from other people.

Oh. Thanks, sweetie.

I only hope I can give you
all the heat you deserve.

I know you'll try your best.

Here you go, sweetie.

I-I can't turn it off.

Hey.
Hey.

Guess where my evolved,
open-minded husband just was?

Playing basketball
with his new gay friend.

Wow. Is he any good?

Surprisingly,
not a great ball-handler.

Okay. Jeff, no more gay jokes.
Okay.

What are you drinking?

Mm.

It's a virgin sea breeze.

Go ahead.