Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 14 - Buyer's Remorse - full transcript
Audrey and Jeff try to help Adam and Jennifer buy an apartment in their building. Meanwhile, Adam tries to live on a tight budget, and one of Russell's one-night-stands that he screwed over becomes a waitress at his favorite diner.
I can't believe you've never
seen Russell's place either.
He's strangely private
about it.
Probably because it's
some kind of sex dungeon.
Hey. He has
a regular-sized door.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What are you guys doing here?
Picking you up
to go to the movie.
We're supposed to
meet in the lobby.
My doorman has
specific instructions
to only let women up.
Hello?
Let's not get technical.
All right, stay here.
I'll come out.
[LOCK CLICKS]
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
This place is amazing.
Bup, bup, bup, bup!
Put these over your shoes.
You're serious?
Yeah, actually,
put 'em on all four paws.
Why have you never let us
up here before?
Uh, because there's
no shot at sex,
and you're not
delivering a pizza.
I am never leaving
this apartment.
I live here now.
I don't think so.
This is all mine.
No, this building
doesn't allow pets.
That includes Sasquatch.
You know, your place
would be perfect
for a photo shoot I'm doing
for Indoor Living.
Oh, my God. Are they
doing a story on people
that'll never let you use their
apartment for photo shoots?
Thought you had a location.
Yeah, there was a fire
in that building.
Everyone lost their home.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Crap like this
always happens to me.
Hey, where's my bathroom?
At the movie theater.
Hold it in.
No, you don't need a book.
What are you doing?
Please, Russell. I'm
supervising this photo spread
on the ultimate
apartment wedding.
And if I make the cover,
I could get a huge promotion.
Listen, I'd love
to help you out,
but I don't like strangers
in here dirtying up the place.
Also, I was lying. I don't
really wanna help you out.
Come on, it'll just be
a couple of people. That's all.
A couple of people
not carrying pizza
or having sex with me.
Okay. I can't believe
I'm doing this,
but if you let me use
your apartment,
I'll let you choose the model
who will play the bride.
[WHISPERS]
Ba-ba-ba-ba.
And I'd like
some sort of title.
Okay, how about
location consultant?
I was thinking, uh, executive
in charge of model pleasuring.
Done.
We have a deal?
Yes.
Yes! Thank you so much.
All right. Okay.
You will not
regret this.
Oh, I already d--
How do I start my Jacuzzi?
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Mmm.
What are you doing?
What?
Pick up a fork
and eat your apple crumble
like a man.
Fine.
What? I only like
the crumble part.
I'll take your apples.
You wanna trade bites?
Oh, my God!
[ALARM BEEPS]
Ah.
It's just a reminder Audrey's
birthday is this weekend.
I gotta figure out
what to get her.
Last year I kind of
let her birthday slip my mind.
So the pressure's really on.
Jen just had a birthday.
I made her this coupon book
full of special favors
that I'd do for her
anytime she wants.
Well, make sure you get
expiration dates
on those things.
The other day Audrey nailed me
with a "breakfast in bed"
from '96.
Yeah, but, you know,
in a way, it's a gift for me,
'cause half the coupons
are for sex.
Although she hasn't really
used any of those yet.
Not that you know of.
[LAUGHS]
Well, I wanna get Audrey
something to surprise her.
Something she's never
had before.
Oh, how about an orgasm?
Sounds like a lot of work.
Hey, Jen.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
What's up?
Oh, uh, Jeff's trying
to figure out
what to get Audrey
for her birthday.
Oh, I'd love to help.
Oh, that was great.
I need it by
Saturday night.
And if you keep it
under 100,
there's a little taste
in there for you.
I meant we'd go
shopping together.
Oh. You and me.
Just the two of us?
Yeah. How's
Saturday morning?
Sounds great.
Okay.
You'd be okay without me
on a Saturday?
Oh, you don't think I can
entertain myself for a day?
I know you can
entertain yourself.
I've walked in on that
more than once.
Now let's go. I'm cashing in
one of my coupons.
Right.
[JENNIFER GIGGLES]
Aw. I don't wanna rent
a Patrick Dempsey movie.
Ah, well, gift problem solved.[SIGHS]
Yeah, but spending all day
with Jen.
It's gonna be awkward.
I don't really know her.
We're not gonna have much
to talk about.
You guys hang out all the time.
As couples. The whole point
of couples friends
is the guys hang out together
and the women hang out
together.
The guys talk about sports,
and the women talk about...
scrapbooking and personal
freshness, or whatever.
I don't know.
Yeah, it's true. You know,
come to think of it,
I don't spend much time alone
with Jennifer either.
And when we do,
it's the same conversation:
"Stop staring at them."
"I wasn't."
But you were.
[LAUGHS]
Of course I was.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Okay. So I've
narrowed it down,
and I'd be fine with
any of these girls.
As would I.
Who do you like?
Well, I have to conduct
the interview.
Adriana.
Why do you feel you're
qualified to play a bride?
Well, when I got married--
Thank you.
Russell.
I have a process.
Ava. Um...
who wrote Hamlet?
Why are you
asking her that?
Because if she gets it, she's
too smart to sleep with me.
Okay. That's
enough.
Um, could you all wait outside
in the reception area?
Please?
Would you just pick one?
Listen, it's hard
to find a woman
who is up to the lofty
Russell Dunbar standards.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm so sorry I'm late.
My boyfriend
just broke up with me.
Oh, my God, you're
hired. Hi.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Well, this is taking longer
than I thought it would.
Well, you wanted the perfect
gift, and perfect takes time.
How long would
"good enough" take?
We'd be done if you just
bought the necklace
I wanted you to get.
Oh, I thought I made it clear
that price was
a huge object.
Hey, if we're gonna keep
looking, I need some lunch.
Okay, so I'll meet you
back here in an hour.
No, I meant let's
get lunch together.
Together.
Yeah, let's just go to
the diner. We can sit and chat.
Okay, but
I should warn you
that I don't know that much
about scrapbooking
or personal freshness.
Okay.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
So...
So...
You and Adam, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
What about us?
That's all.
You know what they put in here
to keep it from clumping up?
Rice.
That was a nice dead end.
Oh, hey, there's Adam.
Hey! Come on over here.
Oh. Hey, guys.
Sit down.
No, I was just grabbing
some takeout to bring upstairs.
I said, sit down.
No. No, no,
I gotta get upstairs.
I'm watching the finals.
What sport?
The Westminster Dog Show.
Or...
Oh, yeah.
"Clean the closet?"
You are really holding on to
these sex coupons, aren't you?
[JEFF CHUCKLES]
You remember
when Adam was here?
[ALARM BEEPS]
Oh. I got an e-mail.
Oh, this is a classic.
A hundred different words
for a woman's...
"Blouse rockets."
[CHUCKLES]
That sounds funny.
Forward it to me.
Ah, what's your e-mail?
It's my name at Gmail.
Jennifer@gmail.
No, my first and last name.
Right.
Jennifer Sm...
[MUTTERING]
Ah, just...
lost my connection.
You don't know
my last name, do you?
Well, it hasn't
exactly come up.
I can't believe it.
I mean, I thought
we were friends.
Well, exactly. We're
on a first-name basis.
I know your last name, Jeff.
Jeff Bingham.
Well, I am sorry,
Jennifer...Lopez.
Not even close.
I know you're Latina.
No, I'm not.
Remember when Adam was here?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, Melissa.
It's Russell, the executive
in charge of the shoot.
Oh, uh, I thought
Audrey was in charge.
Oh-ho-ho! That's funny.
No, no, Audrey's
my intern. Yeah.
Oh.
Anyway, this is
a nice location, huh?
Yeah, it's-- It's beautiful.
Oh, thank you. It's mine.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You know, I'd love to give you
the grand tour sometime.
I mean, there's some--
Some am-- Amazing view--
I'm gonna throw a coaster
under that real quick.
I have a few minutes before
I have to get into makeup.
Uh, I would love to see
the rest of your place.
That's great. I'd probably start
with the master bedroom,
and, uh... Ca--?
Can you give me one second?
Oh.
Who are these people?
Ah, the rest
of the crew.
The rest--? You said it was only
gonna be a couple of people.
I know. I just didn't
tell you the truth,
'cause-- Well, 'cause lying
got me what I wanted.
Well, what the hell?
They're coming out of like--
Like some sort of
teamster clown car.
I--
And they don't have
the protective booties on.
That rug is for knees
and elbows only.
Please, Russell. This is
really important to me.
I know, but it's not
worth trashing my pad.
Listen, I will take care
of these booties.
You take care of getting on
that booty, huh?
Yeah. Huh?
Let's put that down
before someone sees.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Oh. Fernandez.
I told you,
I'm not Latina.
I think you're wrong.
You know what? Why don't you
just go shopping by yourself,
and we'll hang out when Audrey
and Adam are available?
Look, Jennifer, come on.
Don't-- Please, d--
Ah, whoa.
Whoa.
It's a '69 Camaro SS.
Ah. Adjustable shocks,
anti-sway bar,
big eight under the hood.
You know about this stuff?
Yeah, my older brother had one.
He used to let me drive it
all the time.
That's cool.
Yeah, especially
since I was 12.
But his wasn't half
as cherry as this one.
Dreamed of having
one of these in college.
Cruising, gunning
the engine so loud,
nerds would
fall off their mopeds.
You, uh, like
this car?
Try love it.
Wanna take it
for a test drive?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Sweet ride.
Yeah.
Still can't believe I bought it.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Anyway, so then
the Sherpa says to me,
"We need to acclimate at base
camp for, like, three days."
I'm like,
"No, friend.
We're summiting this puppy,
uh, tonight."
[GASPS]Yeah.
Yeah, "puppy"
being Mount Everest.
You've heard me.
Oh. Excuse me
for a minute.
[WHIRRING]
You're good to go.
I better get
this promotion.
I need you to help me
with Melissa.
You need to help me
seal the deal.
I'm not
holding her down.
I need you to talk me up. She'll
believe another woman.
Oh, I don't know.
No, come on, you--
Here she comes. Do it.
Hey, Melissa.
Audrey.
I-- I just wanted
to tell you...
Russell told me you're
the best intern he's ever had.
Oh. What a relief.
Yeah.
His place is just so beautiful.
Yeah.
What's his story?
He is a catch.
Yeah. He's...sweet,
and...smart...
and...totally not
a lying weasel
at all.
Well, that's
good to know.
Mm-hm.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Hello?
What?
So how'd it go with Melissa?
What are you
talking about?
What did you say
about me?
No, th-that's
unacceptable.
Talk to me. Me, me.
Uh, not them.
Fine. Call me if
you get someone else.
Damn it.
OH, no. Was it something
about me and Melissa?
No. The model playing
the groom can't make it.
He had an emergency
appendectomy and almost died.
I just cannot
catch a break.
Now I have, like, n-no time
to find a replacement.
Okay. Okay, I get
your not-so-subtle hint.
I'll do it.
[LAUGHING]
What? Why can't I
play the groom?
Oh, you can.
On the wedding cake.
[GIGGLES]
I'm sorry. Uh-- No, the truth
is, you don't fit the suit.
Oh. You know
who might?
Stupid coupon book.
Next year they're all
gonna be for sex.
[APPLAUSE ON TV]
Oh, no, no, no.
You gotta be kidding me.
The springer spaniel?
Open your freaking eyes, judge.
[PHONE RINGING]
[SIGHS]
Hello.
Oh, hey.
Uh, yeah,
I'm a 40 regular. Why?
Ah, come on. Why couldn't
that suit be a 28 short?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Oh. These fries
are so good.
Everything tastes better
in a car like this.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Hey, we eat 'em
the same way.
A big bunch at a time.
It's the only way to do it.
Adam nibbles them one by one,
like a rabbit.
Audrey does that too.
What a couple of girls.
[CHUCKLES]
What are you doing?
I'm sending a picture I took
of the car to all my faves
so they can print it out
and keep it in their minivans.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
Do you see what I see?
Nerd on a moped.
Mm-hm.
Punch it.
[ENGINE REVVING]
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Keep doing that.
That looks great.
It's not great. He's stealing
all my face time with Melissa.
Adam is engaged.
Thanks.
Knowing he's unhappy makes me
feel a little better.
All right, Adam, Melissa,
I need you to take
your champagne glasses.
Okay.
Adam, you stand
and make a toast.
Oh, but I don't
know what to say.
It's a picture.
Oh. Uh...
Come on, wrap this up.
I gotta get back there.
All-- All right, everyone,
just take a break.
RUSSELL:
Break, break, break.
Break, break, break.
[WHISTLING]
Ah.
[LAUGHS]
You know, I can't believe Adam's
not a professional model.
He is just
such a natural.
Isn't he? He is.
You know,
you two have more
in common than you think.
Oh, really?
Yeah, his boyfriend
broke up with him too.
Oh.
Yeah.
He felt Adam was
actually "too gay."
Whatever that means.
Anyway, so this is
almost over,
and I thought we could hustle--
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, excuse me.
Yeah, sure.
Hello?
Stain on my couch.
Stain on my couch!
W-w-- What's--
What's wrong?
There's a stain on my couch!
It's just a little spray tan.
Uck.
All right, I'll pay
to get this cleaned.
I'll-- I'll do whatever
it takes. Russell, please,
I just need 10 more minutes.
We've gone this far.
Okay.
That was my boyfriend.
He wants us to
get back together.
Awesome. Everybody out!
Here we go.
Party's over!
Let's beat it.
I didn't stutter.
Okay.
I'm so not kidding.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
We should just
cruise around all night.
Can you kick in
for gas?
I paid for
the last tank.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Oh, no.
What?
Audrey's present.
Oh, no.
Think she'd want a '69 Camaro
that only I'm allowed to drive?
You know what? It's all right.
Stores are still open, we can--
What the hell?
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
Is that Adam
getting married?
Is that Jeff...
in a Camaro?
[ENGINE REVVING]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I can't believe you spent
that much money on a car
without even
talking to me.
D-did you even
think about
parking
and insurance?
Valid issues.
Jennifer, how could you
let him do this?
It's the car's fault
for being so bitchin'.
Ha. You guys
got in trouble.
Just let me try to talk to her.
Tell her I feel terrible,
I realize I made
a big mistake,
and I'll do anything
to make it right.
[SIGHS]
Aw, hey.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I have a Camaro.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Everything's cool
with Audrey.
Really? How'd you pull that off?
Mm-hm.
Well, I told her
that you told me
that you love her more now
than the day you met,
you can't wait to
get home to her every day,
and a bunch of
other wussy crap.
And she bought that?
No, she knows you
too well.
So I also told her
that you bought her
an unbelievable
birthday gift.
That expensive necklace?
You got it.
Good work.
Mm-hm.
You're kind of like a chick
and a dude.
And I don't mean like
those pictures
that Russell
e-mails me.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, well, I take that
as a compliment.
You're all right,
Ramirez.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Wow, what's
with the champagne?
Stole it from Russell.
You took a prop
from the photo shoot?
No, I...
broke into
his wine cellar.
So, what are we
drinking to?
How about to us
setting a wedding date?
What?
Yeah, I'm thinking
this summer. You know?
Why, is your biological
clock ticking?
No. No. It's just,
I saw all these fake wedding
pictures from today,
and it...made me wanna
marry you. For real.
Adam, that's so nice.
[CHUCKLES]
But that doesn't give us
enough time to plan.
Okay, well, then next summer.
Deal.
Deal.
[CLINK]
Mm. In fact...
this coupon is good
for one wedding...
next summer.
Are you sure?
Yes. I'm ready.
I know that you're the man
that can take care of me
for the rest of my life.
[CHUCKLES]
Now give me the coupon.
You'll lose it.
Fine. Oh, wait.
Coupon for one wedding
next summer and...
sex.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
That necklace
is so beautiful.
It is. It was
such a surprise.
He gave it to me in the new car.
Mm-hm-hm.
I bet he did.
Don't be disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh, hey. I can wear my new
necklace at your wedding.
It'll be great.
You're getting married,
I'll know your last name.
It'll be the same as Adam's.
I might not
change it to his.
You should. Jennifer Roman
sounds pretty good.
My last name's Rhodes.
What the hell
is it with you two?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
seen Russell's place either.
He's strangely private
about it.
Probably because it's
some kind of sex dungeon.
Hey. He has
a regular-sized door.
[CHUCKLES]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What are you guys doing here?
Picking you up
to go to the movie.
We're supposed to
meet in the lobby.
My doorman has
specific instructions
to only let women up.
Hello?
Let's not get technical.
All right, stay here.
I'll come out.
[LOCK CLICKS]
No, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
This place is amazing.
Bup, bup, bup, bup!
Put these over your shoes.
You're serious?
Yeah, actually,
put 'em on all four paws.
Why have you never let us
up here before?
Uh, because there's
no shot at sex,
and you're not
delivering a pizza.
I am never leaving
this apartment.
I live here now.
I don't think so.
This is all mine.
No, this building
doesn't allow pets.
That includes Sasquatch.
You know, your place
would be perfect
for a photo shoot I'm doing
for Indoor Living.
Oh, my God. Are they
doing a story on people
that'll never let you use their
apartment for photo shoots?
Thought you had a location.
Yeah, there was a fire
in that building.
Everyone lost their home.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Crap like this
always happens to me.
Hey, where's my bathroom?
At the movie theater.
Hold it in.
No, you don't need a book.
What are you doing?
Please, Russell. I'm
supervising this photo spread
on the ultimate
apartment wedding.
And if I make the cover,
I could get a huge promotion.
Listen, I'd love
to help you out,
but I don't like strangers
in here dirtying up the place.
Also, I was lying. I don't
really wanna help you out.
Come on, it'll just be
a couple of people. That's all.
A couple of people
not carrying pizza
or having sex with me.
Okay. I can't believe
I'm doing this,
but if you let me use
your apartment,
I'll let you choose the model
who will play the bride.
[WHISPERS]
Ba-ba-ba-ba.
And I'd like
some sort of title.
Okay, how about
location consultant?
I was thinking, uh, executive
in charge of model pleasuring.
Done.
We have a deal?
Yes.
Yes! Thank you so much.
All right. Okay.
You will not
regret this.
Oh, I already d--
How do I start my Jacuzzi?
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Mmm.
What are you doing?
What?
Pick up a fork
and eat your apple crumble
like a man.
Fine.
What? I only like
the crumble part.
I'll take your apples.
You wanna trade bites?
Oh, my God!
[ALARM BEEPS]
Ah.
It's just a reminder Audrey's
birthday is this weekend.
I gotta figure out
what to get her.
Last year I kind of
let her birthday slip my mind.
So the pressure's really on.
Jen just had a birthday.
I made her this coupon book
full of special favors
that I'd do for her
anytime she wants.
Well, make sure you get
expiration dates
on those things.
The other day Audrey nailed me
with a "breakfast in bed"
from '96.
Yeah, but, you know,
in a way, it's a gift for me,
'cause half the coupons
are for sex.
Although she hasn't really
used any of those yet.
Not that you know of.
[LAUGHS]
Well, I wanna get Audrey
something to surprise her.
Something she's never
had before.
Oh, how about an orgasm?
Sounds like a lot of work.
Hey, Jen.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
What's up?
Oh, uh, Jeff's trying
to figure out
what to get Audrey
for her birthday.
Oh, I'd love to help.
Oh, that was great.
I need it by
Saturday night.
And if you keep it
under 100,
there's a little taste
in there for you.
I meant we'd go
shopping together.
Oh. You and me.
Just the two of us?
Yeah. How's
Saturday morning?
Sounds great.
Okay.
You'd be okay without me
on a Saturday?
Oh, you don't think I can
entertain myself for a day?
I know you can
entertain yourself.
I've walked in on that
more than once.
Now let's go. I'm cashing in
one of my coupons.
Right.
[JENNIFER GIGGLES]
Aw. I don't wanna rent
a Patrick Dempsey movie.
Ah, well, gift problem solved.[SIGHS]
Yeah, but spending all day
with Jen.
It's gonna be awkward.
I don't really know her.
We're not gonna have much
to talk about.
You guys hang out all the time.
As couples. The whole point
of couples friends
is the guys hang out together
and the women hang out
together.
The guys talk about sports,
and the women talk about...
scrapbooking and personal
freshness, or whatever.
I don't know.
Yeah, it's true. You know,
come to think of it,
I don't spend much time alone
with Jennifer either.
And when we do,
it's the same conversation:
"Stop staring at them."
"I wasn't."
But you were.
[LAUGHS]
Of course I was.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Okay. So I've
narrowed it down,
and I'd be fine with
any of these girls.
As would I.
Who do you like?
Well, I have to conduct
the interview.
Adriana.
Why do you feel you're
qualified to play a bride?
Well, when I got married--
Thank you.
Russell.
I have a process.
Ava. Um...
who wrote Hamlet?
Why are you
asking her that?
Because if she gets it, she's
too smart to sleep with me.
Okay. That's
enough.
Um, could you all wait outside
in the reception area?
Please?
Would you just pick one?
Listen, it's hard
to find a woman
who is up to the lofty
Russell Dunbar standards.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm so sorry I'm late.
My boyfriend
just broke up with me.
Oh, my God, you're
hired. Hi.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Well, this is taking longer
than I thought it would.
Well, you wanted the perfect
gift, and perfect takes time.
How long would
"good enough" take?
We'd be done if you just
bought the necklace
I wanted you to get.
Oh, I thought I made it clear
that price was
a huge object.
Hey, if we're gonna keep
looking, I need some lunch.
Okay, so I'll meet you
back here in an hour.
No, I meant let's
get lunch together.
Together.
Yeah, let's just go to
the diner. We can sit and chat.
Okay, but
I should warn you
that I don't know that much
about scrapbooking
or personal freshness.
Okay.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
So...
So...
You and Adam, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
What about us?
That's all.
You know what they put in here
to keep it from clumping up?
Rice.
That was a nice dead end.
Oh, hey, there's Adam.
Hey! Come on over here.
Oh. Hey, guys.
Sit down.
No, I was just grabbing
some takeout to bring upstairs.
I said, sit down.
No. No, no,
I gotta get upstairs.
I'm watching the finals.
What sport?
The Westminster Dog Show.
Or...
Oh, yeah.
"Clean the closet?"
You are really holding on to
these sex coupons, aren't you?
[JEFF CHUCKLES]
You remember
when Adam was here?
[ALARM BEEPS]
Oh. I got an e-mail.
Oh, this is a classic.
A hundred different words
for a woman's...
"Blouse rockets."
[CHUCKLES]
That sounds funny.
Forward it to me.
Ah, what's your e-mail?
It's my name at Gmail.
Jennifer@gmail.
No, my first and last name.
Right.
Jennifer Sm...
[MUTTERING]
Ah, just...
lost my connection.
You don't know
my last name, do you?
Well, it hasn't
exactly come up.
I can't believe it.
I mean, I thought
we were friends.
Well, exactly. We're
on a first-name basis.
I know your last name, Jeff.
Jeff Bingham.
Well, I am sorry,
Jennifer...Lopez.
Not even close.
I know you're Latina.
No, I'm not.
Remember when Adam was here?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, Melissa.
It's Russell, the executive
in charge of the shoot.
Oh, uh, I thought
Audrey was in charge.
Oh-ho-ho! That's funny.
No, no, Audrey's
my intern. Yeah.
Oh.
Anyway, this is
a nice location, huh?
Yeah, it's-- It's beautiful.
Oh, thank you. It's mine.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
You know, I'd love to give you
the grand tour sometime.
I mean, there's some--
Some am-- Amazing view--
I'm gonna throw a coaster
under that real quick.
I have a few minutes before
I have to get into makeup.
Uh, I would love to see
the rest of your place.
That's great. I'd probably start
with the master bedroom,
and, uh... Ca--?
Can you give me one second?
Oh.
Who are these people?
Ah, the rest
of the crew.
The rest--? You said it was only
gonna be a couple of people.
I know. I just didn't
tell you the truth,
'cause-- Well, 'cause lying
got me what I wanted.
Well, what the hell?
They're coming out of like--
Like some sort of
teamster clown car.
I--
And they don't have
the protective booties on.
That rug is for knees
and elbows only.
Please, Russell. This is
really important to me.
I know, but it's not
worth trashing my pad.
Listen, I will take care
of these booties.
You take care of getting on
that booty, huh?
Yeah. Huh?
Let's put that down
before someone sees.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Oh. Fernandez.
I told you,
I'm not Latina.
I think you're wrong.
You know what? Why don't you
just go shopping by yourself,
and we'll hang out when Audrey
and Adam are available?
Look, Jennifer, come on.
Don't-- Please, d--
Ah, whoa.
Whoa.
It's a '69 Camaro SS.
Ah. Adjustable shocks,
anti-sway bar,
big eight under the hood.
You know about this stuff?
Yeah, my older brother had one.
He used to let me drive it
all the time.
That's cool.
Yeah, especially
since I was 12.
But his wasn't half
as cherry as this one.
Dreamed of having
one of these in college.
Cruising, gunning
the engine so loud,
nerds would
fall off their mopeds.
You, uh, like
this car?
Try love it.
Wanna take it
for a test drive?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Sweet ride.
Yeah.
Still can't believe I bought it.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Anyway, so then
the Sherpa says to me,
"We need to acclimate at base
camp for, like, three days."
I'm like,
"No, friend.
We're summiting this puppy,
uh, tonight."
[GASPS]Yeah.
Yeah, "puppy"
being Mount Everest.
You've heard me.
Oh. Excuse me
for a minute.
[WHIRRING]
You're good to go.
I better get
this promotion.
I need you to help me
with Melissa.
You need to help me
seal the deal.
I'm not
holding her down.
I need you to talk me up. She'll
believe another woman.
Oh, I don't know.
No, come on, you--
Here she comes. Do it.
Hey, Melissa.
Audrey.
I-- I just wanted
to tell you...
Russell told me you're
the best intern he's ever had.
Oh. What a relief.
Yeah.
His place is just so beautiful.
Yeah.
What's his story?
He is a catch.
Yeah. He's...sweet,
and...smart...
and...totally not
a lying weasel
at all.
Well, that's
good to know.
Mm-hm.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Hello?
What?
So how'd it go with Melissa?
What are you
talking about?
What did you say
about me?
No, th-that's
unacceptable.
Talk to me. Me, me.
Uh, not them.
Fine. Call me if
you get someone else.
Damn it.
OH, no. Was it something
about me and Melissa?
No. The model playing
the groom can't make it.
He had an emergency
appendectomy and almost died.
I just cannot
catch a break.
Now I have, like, n-no time
to find a replacement.
Okay. Okay, I get
your not-so-subtle hint.
I'll do it.
[LAUGHING]
What? Why can't I
play the groom?
Oh, you can.
On the wedding cake.
[GIGGLES]
I'm sorry. Uh-- No, the truth
is, you don't fit the suit.
Oh. You know
who might?
Stupid coupon book.
Next year they're all
gonna be for sex.
[APPLAUSE ON TV]
Oh, no, no, no.
You gotta be kidding me.
The springer spaniel?
Open your freaking eyes, judge.
[PHONE RINGING]
[SIGHS]
Hello.
Oh, hey.
Uh, yeah,
I'm a 40 regular. Why?
Ah, come on. Why couldn't
that suit be a 28 short?
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Oh. These fries
are so good.
Everything tastes better
in a car like this.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Hey, we eat 'em
the same way.
A big bunch at a time.
It's the only way to do it.
Adam nibbles them one by one,
like a rabbit.
Audrey does that too.
What a couple of girls.
[CHUCKLES]
What are you doing?
I'm sending a picture I took
of the car to all my faves
so they can print it out
and keep it in their minivans.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
Do you see what I see?
Nerd on a moped.
Mm-hm.
Punch it.
[ENGINE REVVING]
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Keep doing that.
That looks great.
It's not great. He's stealing
all my face time with Melissa.
Adam is engaged.
Thanks.
Knowing he's unhappy makes me
feel a little better.
All right, Adam, Melissa,
I need you to take
your champagne glasses.
Okay.
Adam, you stand
and make a toast.
Oh, but I don't
know what to say.
It's a picture.
Oh. Uh...
Come on, wrap this up.
I gotta get back there.
All-- All right, everyone,
just take a break.
RUSSELL:
Break, break, break.
Break, break, break.
[WHISTLING]
Ah.
[LAUGHS]
You know, I can't believe Adam's
not a professional model.
He is just
such a natural.
Isn't he? He is.
You know,
you two have more
in common than you think.
Oh, really?
Yeah, his boyfriend
broke up with him too.
Oh.
Yeah.
He felt Adam was
actually "too gay."
Whatever that means.
Anyway, so this is
almost over,
and I thought we could hustle--
[PHONE RINGING]
Oh, excuse me.
Yeah, sure.
Hello?
Stain on my couch.
Stain on my couch!
W-w-- What's--
What's wrong?
There's a stain on my couch!
It's just a little spray tan.
Uck.
All right, I'll pay
to get this cleaned.
I'll-- I'll do whatever
it takes. Russell, please,
I just need 10 more minutes.
We've gone this far.
Okay.
That was my boyfriend.
He wants us to
get back together.
Awesome. Everybody out!
Here we go.
Party's over!
Let's beat it.
I didn't stutter.
Okay.
I'm so not kidding.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
We should just
cruise around all night.
Can you kick in
for gas?
I paid for
the last tank.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Oh, no.
What?
Audrey's present.
Oh, no.
Think she'd want a '69 Camaro
that only I'm allowed to drive?
You know what? It's all right.
Stores are still open, we can--
What the hell?
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
Is that Adam
getting married?
Is that Jeff...
in a Camaro?
[ENGINE REVVING]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I can't believe you spent
that much money on a car
without even
talking to me.
D-did you even
think about
parking
and insurance?
Valid issues.
Jennifer, how could you
let him do this?
It's the car's fault
for being so bitchin'.
Ha. You guys
got in trouble.
Just let me try to talk to her.
Tell her I feel terrible,
I realize I made
a big mistake,
and I'll do anything
to make it right.
[SIGHS]
Aw, hey.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I have a Camaro.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Everything's cool
with Audrey.
Really? How'd you pull that off?
Mm-hm.
Well, I told her
that you told me
that you love her more now
than the day you met,
you can't wait to
get home to her every day,
and a bunch of
other wussy crap.
And she bought that?
No, she knows you
too well.
So I also told her
that you bought her
an unbelievable
birthday gift.
That expensive necklace?
You got it.
Good work.
Mm-hm.
You're kind of like a chick
and a dude.
And I don't mean like
those pictures
that Russell
e-mails me.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, well, I take that
as a compliment.
You're all right,
Ramirez.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Wow, what's
with the champagne?
Stole it from Russell.
You took a prop
from the photo shoot?
No, I...
broke into
his wine cellar.
So, what are we
drinking to?
How about to us
setting a wedding date?
What?
Yeah, I'm thinking
this summer. You know?
Why, is your biological
clock ticking?
No. No. It's just,
I saw all these fake wedding
pictures from today,
and it...made me wanna
marry you. For real.
Adam, that's so nice.
[CHUCKLES]
But that doesn't give us
enough time to plan.
Okay, well, then next summer.
Deal.
Deal.
[CLINK]
Mm. In fact...
this coupon is good
for one wedding...
next summer.
Are you sure?
Yes. I'm ready.
I know that you're the man
that can take care of me
for the rest of my life.
[CHUCKLES]
Now give me the coupon.
You'll lose it.
Fine. Oh, wait.
Coupon for one wedding
next summer and...
sex.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
That necklace
is so beautiful.
It is. It was
such a surprise.
He gave it to me in the new car.
Mm-hm-hm.
I bet he did.
Don't be disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh, hey. I can wear my new
necklace at your wedding.
It'll be great.
You're getting married,
I'll know your last name.
It'll be the same as Adam's.
I might not
change it to his.
You should. Jennifer Roman
sounds pretty good.
My last name's Rhodes.
What the hell
is it with you two?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]