Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 11 - May Divorce Be with You - full transcript

Oh. Wow,
look at this place.

It's like being
in Paris.

So we agree, it sucks.

God forbid we eat anywhere
without a pie carousel.

Look at how the tables
are all smashed together.

As an American,
it's my right to eat

without touching knees
with some dude.

What about your right
to remain silent?

Why don't you
exercise that one?

Bonsoir.

Oh. Here we go.



Please follow me.

Ugh.
Oh, would you stop it?

You are
so not adventurous.

Not adventurous?

Who's dangling their junk two
inches over an open flame, uh?

Oh, look at that.

Steve?

Hey.
Jeff, Audrey!

Oh, hey!

Hey, haven't seen you
since you moved

to the midtown office.
Oh, I know.

Hey, is Holly
meeting you here?

No, she's not.
AUDREY: Ah.

Too bad. You know, you guys
are my one fix-up that worked.



Holly and I are
getting divorced.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.
You had no way of knowing

Holly was a soul sucking demon

who was gonna completely
destroy my life.

Well, what looks good?

I just--
I can't believe it.

I thought you two
were such a good match.

No.

But you know, it's...
It's not so bad, you know.

Of course, I did have
to move out of the city.

And I sold
at the exact wrong time.

Really took it
in the shorts.

I'm in Jersey now.

Hey, the Garden State!

Well, enjoy your meal.

[INHALES AND EXHALES
DEEPLY]

Steve,
please join us for dinner.

Oh. But you-- You're having such
a nice meal, the two of you.

All right, then.

Steve, please join us.

Okay, well,
if you really don't mind.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you"? ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I can't believe you.
You're really not surprised

Holly and Steve
are getting divorced?

No.
Guys never are.

Russell, are you surprised?

I am not.

You do not even know them.

But I know physics.

For every action, marriage,
there is a reaction,

rich divorce lawyer.

I guess I just prefer to look
at the glass as half full.

Well, thanks to you,
Steve's glass is half full.

Of tears.

What's up, Einstein?

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, our coffee maker broke,
so I gotta get Jen a cup.

Aw.
That's nice of you.

Yeah, well, it's more
for me than her.

Jen gets a little cranky when
she doesn't get her caffeine.

Did she scratch you?
ADAM: Yeah.

But in fairness, I was smiling
at her with my stupid face.

So what are you guys
up to today?

We're going to a party at our
friend Steve's in New Jersey.

He's having a hard time
with his divorce.

Yeah. Like us going to a party
at his sad singles complex

is gonna help.
RUSSELL: Hold on.

"Sad singles complex" or
"hotbed for desperate chicks"?

Tell me more.
AUDREY: No.

We're going to his party,
it's the right thing to do.

Now,
I have a hair appointment.

Look, I am the man of the house
and I, and only I,

will dictate what we do--
She's gone.

I know.
I like to pretend.

All right. I gotta
get Jen that cup of--

Seriously, you're sitting
there talking?

Where is my coffee?

Do you think if you don't move,
she can't see you?

It works with dinosaurs.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

You know, when you told me
this was a singles party

I didn't know it meant
the number of people

that'd actually be here.

No one made you
come with us.

Yeah. What's that like,
being here voluntarily?

Hey, guys. Hey!

Throw your laundry in, and
spend a cycle partying with us.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, this'll be like
shooting fish in a barrel.

Lonely women
and the only competition

is pale,
doughy losers.

None taken.

Hey. Okeydoke. Hi.

Who's that?

I don't know, but she dresses
kind of like a whore.

Sold.

[WATER RUNNING]

May I buy my lady
some detergent?

It's a free country.

Let me guess,
you go liquid,

straight up with
a twist of softener.

How did you know?

Please,
you look like a woman

who likes her whites bright and
her colors springtime fresh.

I also know my way around
a stain stick.

Oh. I love a woman
who talks dirty laundry.

[METAL CLANGING]

So... This place
is really something.

Mm-hm.

These aren't as good
as I remember.

Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

[CHUCKLES]

Although I do need somewhere
to stay the next few nights.

Why?

Oh, my fish tank exploded
and they're checking

my apartment for mold,
you know.

Oh, no,
did your fish die?

They did. Yeah.

Well, they're
in a better place now.

Yeah.
Literally.

I really need a place to stay
the next few nights.

Well, we--
I mean, I'd go to a hotel,

but I don't have any money.

And you know,
with the divorce and all.

You know.

The, uh, cheese to a cracker
ratio is way off.

Oh.

Steve,
come stay with us.

Oh!
You're more than welcome.

Oh, that would be
perfect, thank you.

Wow, I-I'll be there
tomorrow night, okay?

Let me just go grab
some things

before the Hazmat team
seals off my apartment.

Wow.

You really want to bring some
of this magic into our home?

I feel bad.

If I hadn't set up
Steve with Holly

he would not be living here
in Hitler's bunker.

Sure, Tina,
I'd love to see your unit.

And then I'll return
the favor.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hi.
Oh, hey. Where you been?

I got waylaid in Jersey.

And that's two words:
way laid.

[CHUCKLES]

So the trip to Jersey
panned out for you?

Oh, totally.

Jersey's an untapped market.

And the best part is,
I skedoodle,

she's an entire state away.

Dirty night, clean break.
Ha-ha-ha.

Excuse us.

You had a rendezvous with
our sister Tina last night.

No, I didn't.

Are you not Russell Dunbar?

No, he is.

[SIGHS]

Jesus, Tina.

If you'll be so kind
as just to give us

a moment of privacy,
please?

He can stay, he's cool.
See you, buddy.

It seems that after your
encounter with our sister,

you promised to phone her
first thing this morning.

That did not occur.

Oh, my God.
Is it morning already?

It's just, with this daylight
savings time, it's crazy.

Who can keep up with it?

Irregardless,
it is now 2 p.m.

Which could lead one to believe
that maybe you have

no intentions of making
good on your promise.

Which would make
our sister very unhappy.

And we are very
protective of our sister.

Yes. Tina is...
She's a great girl.

She's really--

How can I make this right?

[SNAPS]

We're having a family gathering
at this address tonight.

You are invited to come
and apologize to Tina

for your earlier
transgressions.

That does sound
like a dynamite plan,

and lots of fun, uh, it's tricky
though, because I got a thing--

Look, look,
Tina likes you.

She likes you for reasons
that are not abundantly clear.

And she will be treated with
respect as this goes forward.

And it will go forward.

Yeah, doy, that's--
that's what it's doing.

Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

You sure
you're not Russell?

Sorry.

Us too.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Guys, thanks so much
for taking me in.

Oh. It's the least
we can do.

And that dinner, Audrey.

I do not eat that well
at my place.

Although they are doing
some great stuff

with Ramen these days.

I'd love to hear more
about that.

Oh! Well,
those flavor packets are--

Tomorrow.
Okay, great.

I-I'm beat.

I'm gonna, uh,
I'm gonna hit the hay.

You know what? I really
appreciate this, man.

Oh. We're good, bro.
Oh! Okay.

You see that? He's in
better spirits already.

Oh. Why wouldn't he be?

He's not sleeping in a moldy
apartment with dead fish.

[CHUCKLES]

Steve is
the perfect house guest.

Are you kidding me?

He took the crusty part
of the scalloped potatoes.

The whole underneath part
is garbage.

It didn't stop you
from eating the rest of it.

I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

[STEVE SIGHS LOUDLY]

Steve,
everything okay?

Oh, yeah.
I'm fine.

I'm just gonna sleep out
here on the couch.

But you have your own room--

Yeah, just being
in that big bed

just reminds me
of how alone I am, you know.

Plus, towards the end
of our marriage,

I got kind of used of being
the mayor of Sofa City.

[LAUGHS AND SIGHS]

But Jeff and I
are gonna watch TV,

w-we don't want
to keep you up.

Oh, you won't. You won't.

Ooh!

[MOANS]

I'll bet those fish
killed themselves.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Why are you so mad?
I did what you said.

No, I sent you out
for a coffee maker

and you come back
with a stupid French Press.

It's too much work.
It's not.

You just put your hand on top
and push down.

Least you get to be on the other
side of that move for a change.

Oh.

Whoa.

Good,
thank God you're okay.

Thought those guys
were gonna break your legs.

Oh, really?
So running down here

for a bear claw and cocoa
was the right response.

I heard about
the goombah twins.

I guess your, uh,
Jersey plan backfired.

Uh. No, it did not.

Although I was
a little bit scared.

Not so scared
I ran down to the diner

and had
a continental breakfast.

All right.
But...

I actually
had a good time.

Met the family,
they loved me.

They even gave me
a nickname.

Oh, let me guess,
"Baby Hands."

No.
No, wait, "Seventies Hair."

No.
Oh! Wait.

Wait, d-did someone
already say "Baby Hands"?

My cell phone rang twice
during dinner,

so they call me
"Russell Two Calls."

So what are you--?
Are you all mobbed up now?

RUSSELL:
Mobbed up.

See? That is such
an offensive stereotype.

Can I get you something?

Yeah. Can I get some
nice roasted peppers

and a little gob of goo?

I have no idea
what that is.

I know, me neither.

Just a grilled cheese
and a pickle.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[CACKLING]

That is a good one.
I'm so glad you called.

You made my afternoon.

Oh, she's here.

Yeah, I should probably go.

Okay. It's for you.

Hello?

Uh, no.

I-I'm happy
with my long distance service.

Okay, goodbye.

Oh! Bye, Sean!

So you're home
from work early.

All jammied up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't--
I didn't go to work.

I took a personal day.
I was kind of, you know,

mourning the loss
of Mr. Bubbles and Goldie.

Oh. Your fish?

Please?

You know, it's funny.

One minute
you're at the carnival

throwing darts at balloons,

and the next you're bringing
home a baggie full of friends.

And then they're dead.

Hey, you want to play
some gin rummy?

Wow, I'd love to,

but, um, Jeff's going
to be home any minute.

So I should-- I should
really get dinner started.

Okay.
[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, hey.
Is that Sean?

No.

Come home.

JEFF [OVER PHONE]:
What's going on there?

Steve's had a bad day. Just--
Just tell me you're close.

Oh. I feel terrible,
but I'm stuck at work.

Oh, God, babe. Just get here
as fast as you can, okay?

Will do.

Oh, God!

You're hiding
in the kitchen, huh?

I don't blame you.

I'd avoid me too,
if I could.

No. I was not
avoiding you.

Steve, you're a great guy.

Thanks.

How so?

Well, you...

have your health and...

you gave us that great
shortcut to your place.

But even with all that,

I couldn't make
my marriage work.

Well,
that wasn't your fault.

I'm so sorry I ever even
introduced you to Holly.

You are way,
way out of her league.

Thanks, Audrey.

You really know how
to make me feel good.

Oh, I'm so glad.

No, truly, you-- You're one of
the nicest people that I know.

Oh, I'm just being who I am.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Come here. Uh.

Oh...

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, are you busy?

No, I'm just having
my morning coffee. Join me.

Would you like your dish rag
with cream or sugar?

Something weird
happened last night.

You know Jeff's friend Steve
who's been staying with us?

The sad pajama guy?

Well, Jeff was working late,
Steve was feeling down,

so I gave him
a little pep talk.

Next thing I know,
he's making a pass at me.

Oh! Really?
Well, what do I do?

I mean,
I can't tell Jeff.

I'm the one who insisted
Steve stay with us.

I can't believe this.

Oh, I can.

He's sad, Jeff's gone,
you're hot.

Well, that's true.

And I was wearing
my skinny skirt.

Oh, and my best boob sweater.

Oh, God!
Those two together?

I must have been torturing
the poor guy.

It must have been
so uncomfortable for you.

What exactly did he do?

Well, I just went to give him
a little hug

and he kind
of turned his head--

It's kind of hard
to describe.

Oh, here. Show me.

I'm you, you're Steve.

All right.

Ha-ha-ha. I knew it.

You owe me five bucks.
Oh, damn it.

Calm down,
Audrey was just showing me

how Steve
made a pass at her.

Oh. The pajama guy?

He's awesome.

You should really
tell Jeff.

Or I make
the whole thing go away.

All right?

I know people.

All right. Take it easy,
Two Calls.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, where were you?

Talking to Steve.

I gotta admit, he seems
like a new man today.

As much as it pains me
to say you were right.

Hey, maybe I just
won't say it.

Okay, I don't know exactly
how to tell you this,

and I don't want you
to overreact or freak out,

but last night...

Steve made a pass at me.

Oh.
Okay, calm down.

I may have brought this
on myself.

I mean, we were in the living
room, I was consoling him,

I went to give him a little hug,
and then he...

kind of did this thing
with his head--

He buried his face
in your neck.

Yes.
How did you know?

Yeah,
he does that to everyone.

At work we used
to call him "The Nuzzler."

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, well, maybe,
but this was different.

I mean, I was rocking my skinny
skirt and my best boob sweater.

He's been doing it
for years.

You know the sweater
I mean, right?

[LAUGHING]
I mean, I looked like
a freaking Barbie doll.

It had nothing to do
with the sweater.

He nuzzles everyone.

So it wasn't--
No.

Or the--
No.

No.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

It's open,
come in!

How long have you
lived in New York?

Guys, in the kitchen.

I'm on my way to evening Mass
with the family,

and I understand
you need a coffee machine.

How do you know that?

Around the neighborhood,
I hear things.

Oh, my God. It's amazing!
Where'd you get it?

A friend of mine
came into a truckload.

Sal the Ant.
Good guy, big earner.

You've done good.
You've done good.

Hey, wait. Why's the serial
number scratched off?

Don't ask
so many questions.

But you need the serial number
for the warranty.

Ha-ha.

You break it,
I get you another one.

There's your warranty, huh?

Ow!
[LAUGHS]

This guy.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I am so sorry
for the misunderstanding.

I would never
make a pass at you.

Yeah. Thanks.

I mean,
you are so not my type.

I could name like a hundred
women that I'd so much--

Yeah, I got it.
Okay.

I'll get the elevator.

Good.

[LAUGHS]

Rocking her skinny skirt.

Okay, Steve,
I guess this is goodbye.

Oh, okay.
Gosh, I just...

I don't know
how to thank you, Audrey.

You shown me compassion,
kindness, friendship.

And the fact that you thought
I made a pass at you

and you still didn't
blow me off...

that gives me hope that
there's another woman out there

who's gonna, you know,
take me seriously.

Oh, Steve.

Of course there's another woman
out there for you.

Thanks.

Of course not like you,
you're not my type.

[LAUGHS]

JEFF:
Elevator's here!

Oh. Okay.

All right. No nuzzle
this time, okay?

[SIGHS]

All right. Hey!

Hey, we're good, bro.
That's cool.

Okay. All right.
Don't be a stranger.

Take care, buddy.

Hmm.

By any chance did they
also call Steve

"The Boob Grazer?"

No. Why?

Just curious.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey,paisan!
It's good to see you.

Oh, how's your mother?
You give her my regards, okay?

Oh, this two,
always with this two.

Ah. Good people.
Good.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Yeah. Chianti for me
and the little lady.

We don't have that.

Oh!

Coffee, thanks.

Okay, enough, huh?
Stop acting like that.

Acting like what? She's busting
my balls over here.

Like that!

Look, I went out with you

because I thought
you were different

from all the other goons
I've dated.

The mouth on this one.

Russell, if I wanted
a guy like this,

I'd go for the real thing,
okay?

Not some pathetic
tracksuit wannabe.

Hey, show some respect.

The name is "Two Calls."

Should've been
"Dropped Call."

I'll see ya, loser.

Oh!

Oh.

Grilled cheese
and a pickle.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]