Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 10 - Family Style - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

A waffle is like
a beautiful golden lattice

of sweet, shimmering,
syrup-filled lakes.

Mm.

And yet in our wedding vows,
he called me "chief."

You eating?

Saving my appetite
for lunch,

but you did talk me
into a bite of yours.

[SHOUTS]

See, here's how it works:
I order what I want to eat,

and I alone eat it.



Okay, probably don't
need X-rays.

Jeff's a little territorial
about his food.

Yeah, my mistake.

He seems so human,
I forget he's a gorilla.

It's a thing from when
I was a kid, you know,

I was afraid I was never
gonna get enough food.

Even with all those people
throwing peanuts into the cage?

You really want your cause
of death to be

"one too many gorilla jokes"?

[AUDREY LAUGHING]

Anyway, so who's
your lunch date with, huh?

That, uh, geography
whiz you were seeing?

Hey, do you know the capital
of North Dakota?

Uh, I know it's not
South Dakota.



Yeah, that was a shocker.

No, she's a real smartie.

Dr. Ellen Leib.

She's a psychiatrist.

You're dating a shrink?

Aren't you worried she's gonna
see right past all of, uh, this?

Listen, I've been to
my share of these people,

some by choice,
some court-ordered,

but I've found it's
impossible to shrink me.

God did
a pretty good job.

Even as a kid,
it was a waste of time.

Your parents sent you
to therapy?

Well, their divorce hit me
pretty hard,

I always thought it was
my fault.

That's so sad.
It turns out it was my fault.

But I got to check out
those Rorschach tests.

Why is that a good thing?
RUSSELL: Come on,

ink-blot pictures
of people having sex.

Ha, ha, nice.
Wow.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, that's Jackie.
[GROANS]

I need you guys
to help me with Adam.

Oh, listen, I'll show him with
the hand puppets one more time,

but when it comes to the wedding
night, he's on his own.

He went to go
visit his parents,

and I guess the hippies
rubbed off on him,

'cause he came back
with a soul patch.

No.
JEFF: Oh, wow.

So that means
you're gonna be Mrs. Idiot.

I tried to tell him it's lame,
he thinks it's cool and retro.

He crumbles under pressure from
you guys, so let him have it.

Really lay into him.

All right, here he comes.

Oh, my God.

[ADAM GROANS]

What up, guys?

Hey,
Welcome back.

Got a little
soul patch action, huh?

Oh, yeah, well,
what do you think?

Well...

I think it's
pretty damn cool.

What? No, you don't.

Yeah, I'd go so far as
to say retro.

Wow. Okay, I-I gotta admit
that there was a part of me

that thought you guys were gonna
mock it.

Oh, my God, why?

Thank you.

I'm going
to go wash up.

What the hell is
wrong with you guys?

Well, at first I wanted
to screw with you,

but then I realized,
the more I say I like it,

the more it stays
on his face.

And keeps on giving.
RUSSELL: Yes.

I can't believe you guys
didn't abuse him.

One time I wore a black
and white striped shirt,

I never heard the end of it.
Oh, my God,

I ran into the Hamburglar
and he's still mad about that.

I'm not even wearing it.

Don't you have a football
game you gotta go referee?

It was a month ago.

You can't tell time,
you're a zebra.

Hey.

Okay, don't make plans
for Saturday night.

Jackie and Brad
invited us to dinner.

Oh, I thought you were
so anti-double date.

Yeah, he usually he is,
but this works out great.

Jeff gets along with Brad,
and I get along with Jackie.

Yeah, the loophole
is it's two dudes, so...

You know, I just realized, Brad
is black and Jackie's white.

Now what garment
does that bring to mind?

RUSSELL: Ah, all right, hey,
Scooch.

did you give the patch
a little comb through?

Little bit.

I didn't think you
could improve it.

But you did.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you"? ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right,

thank you for the coffee,
Dr. Leib, Medicine Woman.

I wasn't sure,
how do you take your coffee?

Orally. Heh, heh.

You do that a lot.

Oh, yeah,
I've heard that before:

I use humor as a shield,
blah, blah, blah.

You do,
but I've also noticed that

often when you say
something funny,

you punctuate it with
a little "heh, heh."

What is that, like, a thing?

It could be
a defense mechanism

to prevent others
from judging you.

Or perhaps a holdover
from childhood,

to fill the silence
when your parents

didn't appreciate your humor.

Yeah, they didn't.

And I was funny.

I was like Richard Pryor
around that house,

except smaller and a little
whiter, heh, heh.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry, I didn't mean
to make you self-conscious.

No, it actually feels good to
learn something about myself.

I should make an appointment,
so you can get me on the couch.

Well, that wouldn't
be ethical.

You and I already have
a personal relationship.

Yeah, and speaking of which,
when do I get you on the couch?

Hopefully soon.

What do you mean "hopefully"?
It's up to you.

Still, it's too bad you can't
see me as a patient.

I bet you could figure out
why I wet the bed till I was 15.

Heh, heh.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

What if Ellen's
the first psychiatrist

who can answer
all my questions:

Why do I objectify women?

Why do I never get
to know them as people,

merely as accessories
to meaningless sex?

So become a patient.

I'd rather nail her.

Sorry I'm late,
Mr. Dunbar.

As per your request,

I attended the sexual harassment
seminar in your stead.

Who ran it, that hot piece from
personnel with the sweet muffin?

Ah, someone's gotta nail that.

Okay, I will. Heh, heh.

If there's nothing else, sir.

There is. Um, Timmy,

I need you to start
seeing a psychiatrist.

As me.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry for you too, Timmy.

You're asking me
to pretend I'm you

and see a psychiatrist?

I must say, sir, I'm not at all
comfortable with that.

God, I wish that
meant something to me.

What would make a person ask
another person

to do something like this?

Good question. Why don't you ask
that when you go see her.

Sir, when I first arrived here

you promised that I would be
making valuable contacts.

Thus far, the only additions to
my Rolodex

are a bail bondsman, several
straight-to-video actresses,

and a high-end
children's shoe store.

Timmy,
I promised you advancement,

but that doesn't come
without responsibility.

But, sir, I--
Timmy.

You're so close,

I'd hate to see you
throw it all away now.

I'll make the appointment, sir.

There you go.

Hey, and can you give
a call in to 'Lil Piggy's

and see if my wingtips
are in yet.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So I'm one minute
into Project Runway,

when all of a sudden
the screen fills

with a bunch of sweaty boys
chasing a ball.

It was the
Knicks-Celtics game.

I didn't know
he was recording.

God, I know
how you feel.

Jeff cancelled
one of my shows

to record an operation.

Oh.

It was a breast
augmentation.

Ooh, short ribs. Mm, mm.

Love at first bite.
Anyway, where was I?

Recapping your riveting
Project Runway disaster.

Well, it was a disaster,
it was the finale.

Mm. Heaven on a fork.

So I call up Heidi Klum
we're like this, right?

Who is, by the way,
the tallest person

of the entire planet.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, this is us.

Oh, boo.
This was too fun.

I know, let's do it again
tomorrow night.

You guys available?
Totally.

I'll call you mañana.
We'll watchThe View

together on the phone.
I love it.

See you, Brad.
See you, Jeff.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

Hey, Jeff, you wanna sit back
here with me?

What are we, newlyweds?

God, that was fun.

Jackie is a riot.

Never again.

Oh, here we go.
What did he do?

You didn't see it?
He took food off my plate.

Oh, calm down. Look, I know
this might sound crazy to you,

but most people are actually
okay with sharing.

Well, I'm not.

How do you
line up on this, Eyob?

Oh,
I come from Ethiopia,

where all meals are communal.
Everyone shares everything.

Right. So you left.

I left because
of political persecution.

Still, you couldn't have
loved the food thing.

And you had to go invite 'em
for another dinner.

Yes,
because I like Jackie.

We're becoming
really good friends.

Fine.
Then I will talk to him,

lay down some
ground rules before dinner.

No, no and no.

Know how many potential
friendships I've lost

because of your "ground rules"?

Name one.
AUDREY: The Millers.

That wasn't my fault.
He kept interrupting me.

Oh, and what about
the Whitmans?

You take both armrests
in a movie theater,

you're gonna hear from me.

Jeff, all I know is you open
your mouth, I lose friends.

So you're not
gonna talk to Jackie.

Fine, then you tell him.

No, no, he's very sensitive
to criticism.

Brad told me he once made a tiny
comment about the paint color

Jackie chose for the living
room. Jackie had a hissy fit.

So you will just
deal with it.

Well, you believe this?

I gotta go out with a guy
who violated my meal.

Uh, sorry, it's hard for me
to be objective

since you are sitting
on my sandwich.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right,
start with my childhood.

Emphasize how much it hurt
when those awful kids

called you "albino,"

because of your pale skin

and your blonde, white hair.

And you see no flaw
in that plan?

Dude, this might be the dumbest
thing I've ever seen you do.

And I saw you try to forge
a gynecology license.

Dude, I'm trying to find out
why I do stuff like that.

All right,
now self-image.

Now, I know I'm not short,

but why do I occasionally feel

inadequate about
my perfectly average height?

You are short.
It's a fact.

Oh, look at this guy,
he's telling

a semi-licensed gynecologist
what a fact is.

All right, and whenever
I score with a babe,

I immediately wanna leave.
So the question is:

what's wrong with her
that makes me wanna do that?

Hey, Adam, you've got
some, uh, powdered sugar...

Mm.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.

You know what?
That looks cool.

You should bleach it.

Oh, that'll be fierce.

You just said "fierce"?

Dude, that's cool.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Aud. You up?

What's wrong?

Nothing. I figured out
how to stop Jackie

from stealing my food again.

Jeff, you are not
gonna talk--

No, without saying
anything to him.

Look, step one:
we invite Adam and Jen.

I realized we need to throw
bodies at this thing.

Here's the seating chart.

I'm here,

Adam, you, Jen, Brad,

meat thief,
way over here.

He goes left, boom.
It's you and Adam.

He goes right, boom.
Brad and Jen.

Directly across?
Can't reach.

Sorry, Jackie.

You lose.

[SIGHS]

I wonder if my high school
boyfriend is still listed?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So as an adolescent,

you masturbated so chronically

that your parents had you
fitted for sandpaper mittens?

Evidently.

And how did that
make you feel?

The word "humiliated"
barely scratches the surface.

If I may, I'd like to talk
about your breast-feeding.

Must we?

At what age did you stop?

I'll need to check that.

I made a few notes
prior to our session.

Oh. Here we go.

Uh, stopped breast-feeding
at age 7.

Oh, dear God.

And how did
that make you feel?

I really wish you'd stop
asking me that.

I don't say this
to many patients,

but I give you
so much credit

for just getting out of bed
in the morning.

It is becoming
increasingly difficult.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey,
I just had an idea,

how about, uh, Audrey, Adam,
Jeff, Jackie, Jen, Brad and me.

Wow, look at you,
man with a plan.

Yeah, I was up all night
thinking about it.

[LAUGHING]

Problem solved.

Oh, wow, you know, eventually,
I'm actually gonna

pull the muscles
that control eye-rolling.

Now, what would you say
is the worst thing

you've ever done, in an attempt
to sleep with a woman?

May I consult my notes again?

Sure.

I'm sorry. We're out of time.

No, we have
20 minutes left.

So please, the worst thing
you've ever done

to sleep with a woman?

I'm not sure
I can say this out loud.

It's okay, I'll--
I'll just read it.

Thank you.

I think we're out of time.

Everything looks
so good.

He couldn't reach
across this table

if he had extendable
robot arms.

Oh, wow, th-they really
are starting to hurt.

And, finally,
the Mongolian beef.

I ordered that.
Right here, my friend.

Oh, the tofu looks great.

It does,
I should've ordered that.

Doesn't matter,
we're all sharing anyway.

Not all of us.

That's what's great about
this place. It's family style.

Get it while
it's hot.

Here's something that I had
hoped never to say

to the person I'm gonna marry:

Honey, you have a little rice
in your soul patch.

Easy on the patch, all right.

You're the only one
who doesn't like it.

No,
you're the only one who does.

Oh, yeah? Let's ask Jackie.

He works in fashion.
Jackie,

what do you think
of this bad boy, huh?

Well, you know,
Brad's always telling me

I need to work on keeping
my opinion to myself. So...

What? You don't like it?

Well, you know, I just--

No, it's okay,
Jackie, tell him.

Okay.

What's out?
Soul patches.

What's in?
Not having soul patches.

Well, Jeff likes it.

No, no, I don't.

See?

So no one thinks this is fierce?

Oh, my God, did you
just say "fierce"?

Thank you. Where were you
during his do-rag phase?

Oh, my God, I am so full
I can't have another bite.

I surrender.

Oh, you gotta
be kidding me.

Look, don't say anything,
all right?

I understand
your beef with Jackie--

I had no beef
with Jackie.

That's the problem.

Mm. Hey,
there's my alter-ego.

All right,
tell me everything.

You're "wildly sociopathic,

"with hypersexual tendencies.

"You suffer from
both megalomania

"and a Napoleon complex.

And you should ideally
never be left unsupervised."

That's good stuff.

Keep it coming.
When's our next session?

Please don't make me
go back for more, sir.

But I wanna be cured.

There is no cure

for what you've got.

Apparently,
your best hope is to try

to get out in front of it
pharmaceutically, sir.

Oh, sweet, meds!

Here, give me.
Actually,

since I'm the one
who endured the trauma,

I do feel I'm going
to need them.

Nerts, Timmy.

My psychoses,
my pills.

Come on, come on,
come on.

There you go.

But I don't see how I'm going
to be able to sleep tonight.

Or any night,
for that matter.

All right, you big baby,
there you go.

It does say to take three.

Heh, heh, drink with it,
you'll be fine.

All finished?
God, yes. Take it away,

I can't look at it
another minute.

BRAD:
Oh, before I forget,

we have box seats for Cher next
month. Who wants in?

We're flying to AC.

Really?
Just for the concert?

Jackie's a huge fan of Cher.

Ironic. He's not
a fan of share-ing.

What was that?
AUDREY: Nothing,

Jeff's just
being silly.

He's wasted again.

No, h-he said I'm not
a fan of sharing.

What did you mean?

It's just that you took
a lot of the Mongolian Beef,

and I ended up
with none.

Why didn't you
say something, dummy?

It's not a big deal.

It is a big deal.

I'm so sorry.

I get caught up
in the conversation,

I forget that I'm sucking down
everybody's food.

Excuse me,
can we get another order

of Mongolian Beef
over here, pronto.

WAITER:
I'll put that in right away.

Next time, just speak up.

I may have porcelain skin,
but I'm not made of it.

JEFF:
Thanks, Jackie.

See, he took that
like a champ.

There was no hissy fit.

Why would you think
I'd have a hissy fit?

It's just Audrey said--

Audrey?

It was just
because of--

I just-- I-I-I--

You wanna see a hissy, Audrey?

Talk about me behind my back.

Oh, that's right, you did.

BRAD: Jackie...
No, no,

I didn't mean--
Save it, Audrey.

I thought we were friends.

Jackie, wait.

Why don't you want us
to have friends?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I swear, this has
never happened before.

Are you sure there's
nothing else I can do?

Like what? I'm already
out of hand lotion.

You almost started
a fire down there.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

Well, it could be any number of
things.

Stress,
new medication...

New medication? Oh,
you gotta be kidding me.

It's okay.

I have to confess, I'm not
quite in the mood anyway.

Really?

I just took on
this new client,

and I don't think
I can help him.

You can't?

No,
he's one of those people

there's just no hope for.

Not even a little bit?

No.

It's very upsetting.

Yes, it is.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, you got rid
of the soul patch.

Yeah, I shaved it off
a week ago.

Still, remember when
he had it?

Really, we're gonna
do this again?

You know, the ninth
fairway e-mailed me,

and it wants its divot back.

This doesn't
make sense anymore.

The world's tiniest
plane called, yeah,

they wanna know if the runway
is clear for landing.

Can we just move on?

A Brazilian porn star
left a message, she--

I know what she
wants back, okay?

I don't have it anymore!

Hey.
Hey, guys.

Oh, guys, guys,
look what she's wearing.

Oh, crap.

Where you going?

Did you double-park
your gondola?

[ALL LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]