Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 8 - Fix-Ups & Downs - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, where's Audrey?

Oh, hey.
She had to take a phone call.

So how are things?

Good.
How are things with you?

Oh, well,
my mom's been calling a lot,

and she keeps
threatening to visit

but she never pulls
the trigger,

and even if she did visit,
it would be the three of us

sharing the one bathroom,
and that would be awkward,

and so you know--



So things are good, right?

Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Hey.

I couldn't get off the phone
with Sheila.

She just kept talking and
talking.

Oh, boy, I know how that goes.

She's great,
but all she talks about

is how she can't find a guy.

She's always coming
into my office saying,

"You're so lucky to be married,
you're so lucky to have Jeff."

I keep telling her,
I'm not that lucky.

Thanks, hon.

Sorry, I'm just saying
it's not perfect.

I tell her you never
clean up after yourself.

You cut your toenails in bed.



I find chest hair everywhere.

I'm hoping it's chest hair.

You keep hoping.
I don't wanna burst that bubble.

Anyway, I tell her all of that,
and still she wants a guy.

Oh. I know a guy.

Let's fix 'em up.
That's a great idea.

Oh, God.
Here we go.

Why are you always
such a jerk about fix-ups?

Because every time you do one
it goes sour,

then you get upset,
and then you get mad at me

because I say, "I told you so."

Why don't you just not say
"I told you so?"

Because that's the only part
of the whole thing that I enjoy.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So Chloe and I wind up
trying every position

that harness could handle.

Until the sun came up.
Heh-ha-ha.

And to answer your question,
no, Jen,

I do not know what time it is.

Well,
I can't wait to meet her...

after I've had my shots.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh, hey, uh, let's play

Why-Would-Chloe-Be-Attracted-
To-Russell.

Oh, I'll take, uh,
"Getting back at Daddy."

Um, I'll take
"Too drunk to walk."

You guys are mean.

But Adam nailed it.

You know,
despite all my saucy talk,

I really like Chloe.

She's very sweet,
she could be a keeper.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, what's up?

Ah! You're kidding.

Are you kidding?

You're kidding.
Oh, that's great.

We got tickets to see

The Golden Staircase
on Broadway.

Oh, God, let her be kidding.

[MOUTHS]
Wow.

I'll call you later.
Bye.

That is the hottest
musical in town.

We are so lucky.

Yeah, lucky, lucky, lucky us.

Hey, hey.

Do you guys know that girl
who just got on the elevator?

Uh, girl? What?
No, I-I didn't notice any girl.

You don't have to pretend
you don't see other women.

Okay. Uh, honey-blond hair,
sky-blue eyes, full, pouty lips.

What, you didn't
get her bra size?

No, she wasn't wearing one.

She's an angel.

I saw her eyes,
we had some sort of connection.

Does she live in this building?

I've seen her around,
I think she might.

What do you care?
You have Chloe.

I know,

but that one's better.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

And since we can buy
four house seats,

we wanted to invite you guys.

Oh, my God, I've been dying
to see The Golden Staircase.

I haven't been to
a Broadway show in forever.

Thanks for that, by the way.

I'm only thinking about
of the other theatergoers.

Why should they have
to listen to me snoring?

Anyway,
how much are the tickets?

They're on us.

Oh, you guys don't have to--
Well, thank you.

Thank you.

God, we are gonna
have so much fun.

You know,
the costumes are fantastic.

Oh, and there's this
amazing love ballad.

JEFF:
I'll make you a deal.

Before the show I'll stab you,

and while you're slowly dying,
you shoot me.

Yes, that's a deal.

Oh, there's Jack and Sheila.

AUDREY:
Oh. Oh, my God,

our fix-up.
They went out last night.

And here they are at breakfast.

With matching bed head.

I knew they would
make a great couple.

Why? He's horny and she's easy?

Come on. Let's go say hi.

Why do women want everyone
in the world to be paired off?

You know, they're like that--
That boat guy.

Noah?

No, no, Captain Stubing
from The Love Boat.

My mistake.

You know,
the problem with this fix-up

is Jennifer's involved.

Now, when it blows up--
And it will.

--the girls are gonna
take sides,

they'll each gonna defend
their person,

and they'll end up in a fight.

So Jack will be mad at Jennifer,

Sheila will be mad at Audrey,

and then Audrey and Jennifer
will be mad at each other.

Yeah, it's gonna screw up
relationships all around,

and we're going to have
to hear about it.

God, why does everything bad
happen to us?

Well, there are people
in the world

that have it a lot worse off
than we do.

Okay, this weekend we're going
on a harbor dinner cruise

with Jack and Sheila.

I stand corrected.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Boy, was that a good run.

Too bad you couldn't
keep up with me.

Was it that I couldn't keep up,

or was I just back there
enjoying the view?

You couldn't keep up.

You didn't even know
I stopped for gelato.
Oh.

You had gelato?
I want gelato.

Oh.

Was I supposed to be home?
No.

Think I got nothing better to do

than hang out and wait for you?

Basically, yeah.
Yeah.

Well, you're wrong.

I'm riding up and down
on the elevator all day

in hopes of running
into my dream girl.

Were we wrong.

You have a full life.

Hey, the doorman's gonna
kick you out, man.

No, he's not. He's cool.

Oscar. What's up?

I explained to him my sitch,

and turns out
he's a romantic too.

Romantic?

He stares at my chest
every time I walk by him.

Heh. Yeah, he's good peeps.

You know, there's something
special about this girl.

She could be the one.

Hm.
The one before the next one.

You know what? You don't know
what I felt when I saw her.

I do, it's called an erection.

No, it wasn't
down there.

I felt something here.

It was like my heart
had an erection.

And here comes my gelato.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Thank you, you guys.

This triple date
was a great idea.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever
eaten on a boat before.

We've been out three times,
you're telling me this now?

I feel like I don't
even know you.

Heh-heh. Jack.

Look how cute they are.
I know.

We did that.
Mm-hm.

Hey, did you remember
to take your sea sick pills?

Yeah, but for the record,

it's not the boat
that's making me nauseous.

MAN [ON PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome aboard
the Starlight Harbor Cruise.

We'll be departing
in 10 minutes.

Looks like Jack and Sheila
are going strong.

Maybe Jennifer and Audrey won't
end up in a fight after all.

Yeah, but now I'm gonna
have to hear Audrey gloat

about her fix-up success.

Maybe I can parlay
that into some sex.

That'll teach her
not to gloat.

Hey, fellas.

Hey.

So you and Sheila
are going strong, huh?

Yeah, she's great.

The women are gone.
We don't have to do this.

Well, look,

Sheila's the first blind date
I've had that's worked out.

I mean,
she's funny, she's attractive.

Plus, we're at exactly
the same point in our lives.

Really?
You don't look 38.

Oh. No, I'm 32.

So is Sheila.

No, she's 38.

She says so whenever
she complains to Audrey

about her biological
clock ticking.

H-her what?

Biologic--

Some clock that she bought
that doesn't work right.

She's always complaining
about it.

Should just return it.

Get a new one.

That's what I'd do.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

[GROANS]

Are you the guy looking
for the blond girl?

Yeah.

Thought I saw her earlier,
but it just turned out

to be the albino
that lives on 6.

Wait, do you know who she is?

No, I don't notice girls much.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

Hey, do you know
a good dry-cleaner?

You guys always seem to know.

I'd tell you,
but I don't know

if any of that
is worth dry-cleaning.

Wow. Well,
you're really doing wonders

to get rid of that
bitchy stereotype.

Well, I'm not the one
riding the elevator all day.

Dude, I don't ride
the elevator all day.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Pizza delivery for a
"Russell on the elevator."

Oh. No, no,
that's Russell Elevator,

that's his name.
He lives in the building. Yeah.

You know what? I'll take that.
I'll give that to Mr. Elevator,

and I feel like maybe
he ordered a soda too.

Oh.

There you go.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

You had to tell Jack
Sheila wants a baby.

I didn't have to,
it just sort of slipped out.

You know,
I-I did not think

that Jack was gonna make
the dock

when he leaped off the boat.

Look, he would have
found out eventually.

Yeah, but maybe by then
he would have been so in love

he wouldn't have cared.

I may need another seasick pill.

I can't believe Sheila
would lie to Jack like that.

I cannot believe
Jack is so shallow

he couldn't deal with it.

Since when is it shallow
to not want to go out

with someone who tricked you?

ADAM:
Look, girls, there's no reason

to point fingers here.

You guys both tried
to do a really nice thing.

Come on, you guys
should feel good that you tried.

Yeah. I guess.

Hey, I have a new
fix-up we can try:

vodka, meet tonic.

Oh, that is such a good couple.

That was close.

Nice work.

Oh, thanks. You too.

We just prevented
the Audrey and Jennifer

Fix-Up Disaster Fight.

To us

being better than them.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm.

Hey, look at this.

As a reward,
we get extra food for free.

Thank you, Jack and Sheila.

Actually, Audrey put Jack
and Sheila's dinners

on our credit card.
Oh.

Well, in that case,
thank you, Jeff.

Whoa.

I should only be responsible
for Sheila.

So Jack's on your tab.

Me? No, you're the one

who let the biological clock
out of the bag.

Look, just enjoy that shrimp.
You're buying it.

Not paying for it.
Not eating it.

Look, I'm responsible
for my woman's fix-up failure.

You should be responsible
for yours.

Mine wasn't the problem.
You can't blame Jack

for not wanting
to date Grandma Sheila.

Jack could do a lot worse,

and I'm sure that he will
with that cheesy earring.

This is a dinner cruise,
you're not a pirate.

Well, that's too bad, because
if he wore a patch over his eye,

maybe he would have believed
that Sheila was 32.

[AS PIRATE]
Ar-r-r, I'm Jack,
me and me earring

are gonna go pillage the buffet.

[AS OLD LADY]
Why don't you say that again,
sonny?

I'm Sheila, I can't hear you.

Ar-r-r!

Look at the size of these shr--
Don't.

Didn't eat it, doesn't count.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay, which shoe?

Ah, the old shoe game.

The right one.

Wait. My right or yours?
Yours.

Oh.
Those kind of pinch my toes.

I mean, the other one.

Well, those give me
a heel blister.

You got me again.

All right, I'll just paint
my big toe and wear my sandals.

You are just sitting
in the audience tonight, right?

You're not actually dancing
in The Golden Staircase?

I want to look good.

We don't go out that often.

What are you talking about? We
were just on that dinner cruise.

Speaking of which, did you
call Sheila? How's she doing?

I am not asking Sheila
to pay for her dinner.

In that case,
I wonder how Jack's doing.

It's not that much money,
just let it go.

And no, I don't want you
bickering about it

with Adam tonight.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
You know what,

it's not about the money,
it's the principle.

A man pays what he owes.

If I learned one thing from
my father's bookie, it was that.

Jeff, you look handsome.

Thank you, Jennifer.
You look nice too.

Adam, you would look better
if you dropped about 150.

I've been thinking
about it and you're right.

I should pay you.
Ah.

I'm glad you finally
see things my way.

Here you go.
What are those?

Tickets for tonight.

They're actually worth
more than the cruise,

so during intermission,
drinks are on you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You already gave us
those as a gift.

Yes, we did.

I will just write you a check.

Stay out of this, woman.

A man should pay
for his mistakes,

this is all Jeff's mistake.

You took the tickets,
so we're even.

You can't magically
turn a gift into compensation.

Oh, but I just did.

Shazam.

Then Audrey and I aren't going.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I'm so excited to see this show.

I know, it's gonna be great.
Yeah, it should be.

Should be worth every penny,
eh, Jeff?

Well, I wouldn't know,
our tickets were free.

Thanks again for the free
tickets, Jennifer.

Why don't you two just
knock it off? This is good.

That'll be 9.50, please.

Jeez.

Sometimes I envy lesbians.

I could tell you some stories.

[GROANS]

Any luck, ese?

No, no luck, Oscar.

Maybe I should just give it up.

No. You said this girl
might be your destiny.

There's nothing more important
than finding true love.

True dat, mi amigo.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hey, Mrs. Fulford.

Oh, hello, Rusty.

Have you found her yet?

Heh-heh.
No, not yet.

Well, when you do, she's going
to be so touched by how hard

you've worked to find her.

Well, that's what I'm hoping.

And if you don't find her,

I could set you up
with someone nice from my work.

Oh, that'll be great.
I might do that

[QUIETLY]
when I turn 83.

Really, Oscar?

You're checking out
Mrs. Fulford?

I squint and imagine what she
looked like 40 years ago.

Ooh.

Try going back 50.

BOTH:
Ooh.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Pretty ballsy of you
to run out without paying.

You were closer to the driver.

You were.
You were.

Were not.

Hey, you are being
petty and annoying.

Ha-ha, you got in trouble.

You too.

Yeah, don't blame us.

Your match-making
caused all this.

Oh, how do you figure?

If you'd listened to me

and never done the fix-up
to begin with,

there wouldn't be a problem
with Adam--
Jeff.

--cheaping out
on the dinner cruise seats,

and Adam--
Jeff.

--would have paid for the cab.

Adam.
Jeff.
Oh.

All right, fine.
You know what? You win.

No more fix-ups.

I'm not gonna say
I told you so.

Mostly because of that
look right there.

Okay, you two are not
gonna ruin this.

Here are your tickets.

You stay out here
and solve your problem,

and don't come in until you do.

He started it.
Did not.

I don't care who started it,
it's over. Understand?

Don't just nod.
Use your words.

Yes.
Yes.

Okay. Let's go.

I'm not giving in.

I'll stand out here all night.

MAN:
Is anybody selling a ticket?

I need one ticket.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I'm mad at Adam,
but I think making him

sit through this show
will be punishment enough.

Oh, I'm not letting Jeff
sleep through a minute of this.

Plus I'm buying the soundtrack.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry, that seat's is taken.

This is G24, isn't it?

I just bought this ticket
from a scalper outside.

Unbelievable.

Jeff sold his ticket.

Oh, I'm so sorry,

I cannot believe
he did that.

But don't worry,
you and Adam and I

will still have a good time.

Unbelievable.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Thank you, Golden Staircase.

Hey, look at me.
I'm smoking Act I.

[LAUGHS]

You do realize when we get home,
we're dead.

Totally.

But they can never take
this away from us.

It's funny, if Jen and Audrey
hadn't done that fix-up,

we wouldn't have
had that argument,

and we'd be stuck
in the theater right now.

Maybe I was wrong about fix-ups.

If they result
in not seeing musicals,

drinking 30-year-old
single malt,

and smoking fine cigars,

then call me Cupid.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[SIGHS]

[MOUTHS]
Thank you.

Hey, how's it going?
I'm Russell.

Tiffany.

All right, yeah.

Listen, uh, this might sound
a little crazy,

but I saw you get on
the elevator, like, a week ago.

Felt like we had a connection
or something.

So I've been
riding this every day

in hopes of running
into you again.

You've been riding the elevator
for a week just to meet me?

Yeah, yeah, I can't stop
thinking about you.

I have everyone
in the building in on it.

The doorman. Everyone's like,
"If it's your destiny--"

Stop

stalking me, you creep!
[SCREAMING]

[WHIMPERING]

Agh! Who are you?

Rusty, are you all right?

Ah. Oh, yeah.
I'll be fine.

It usually takes
about eight to 10 minutes

for my eyes to readjust
after getting maced.

Was that her?
Yeah.

Yeah, we've decided
to see other people.

Then it's time you
let me set you up

with one of the girls
from my office.

Oh, well, I don't know.
I think it's too soon,

and plus my eyes are still
burning from the mace.

Are you sure?

I own a small modeling agency.

Ah...

Wait, what's that?

No high fashion, mind you,
just swimsuits and lingerie.

That'll do.

Oscar!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.

Hey, what's up, sunshine?

Look what we got invited to.

Opera tickets?

Who hates me that much?

Jennifer and I fixed up
the guy and the girl

that you and Adam
sold your tickets to.

They've been dating
and they've invited us

to join them at La Bohèème.

All because
you scalped your ticket.

I guess I had this coming.

Wonder how much
I could get for these.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]