Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 7 - Engagement Party - full transcript

Hell, let's go.

Oh, come on!

Why are you yelling
at the toaster?

Because it doesn't work.

I mean the stupid little wires
barely even get red.

Well, I've had it since college.

That's where I learned
if you put it on its side

you can make grilled cheese.

Honey, you don't even get toast,

I mean all you get
is warm bread.

This thing is ruining my life.



You are the exact right amount
of upset about this.

Well, the blender motor
burned out,

the microwave can't fit a pizza.

I mean, our stuff sucks.

We need new stuff.

Well, new stuff's expensive.

Unless...

Ooh, what? What?

Well, Audrey has been wanting
to throw us an engagement party.

And we get lots of presents.

Honey, we talked about this.

I promised my parents
they could throw us a party

when we set a wedding date.

Yeah, I mean,
I want the stuff,



but we can't make our friends

come to two
engagement parties.

Well, that's true.

Unless...

No.
Oh, d-don't stop, honey,

you're on a roll.

Well, we could consider
Audrey's party a practice party.

Practice party?
Yeah.

We'd invite only co-workers
and acquaintances,

people we wouldn't even invite
to the wedding.

Yes, just to get
all the free stuff.

Yeah.
Mm.

You sexy little scam artist.

[GIGGLES]

Ah, you know,
that would be wrong.

Ah, well, very wrong.

It's too bad.

Audrey would love to do it.

Let's tell Audrey the good news.
Yeah.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you"? ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Listen, Barb's gonna
be here any minute.

How do I look?

Like the love child
of Siegfried and Roy.

Do you think playing
the friend card

while Barb's marriage
is on the rocks

is gonna pay off?
Bigtime.

She's moving to Divorceville,

where I happen to own a motel

on the corner
of Hot and Desperate.

Why has fate created a world

in which you and I
could end up related?

I wouldn't worry about it, dude.

I'm all about hittin' it
and quittin' it.

Keep your pants on,
she's coming to see Audrey.

Actually,
she's coming to see me,

so I believe the pants
will be ankle-adjacent.

That's my sister-in-law
you're talking about.

Hmm.

You hurt her,
I'll have to hurt you.

Understood.

I have it narrowed down
to two ways in which I'd do it.

First--
Don't tell me,

I wanna be surprised.

Hello.
Hey.

Hey. Hey, Russell.
Hi.

Ooh.
Oh.

He didn't turn into a prince.

Anyway, Barb,

what are you up to tonight?

Oh, I am sure Barbara
is too jet-lagged

to go out with you, Russ.

I'm ready to cut loose.

I am single
and ready to mingle.

All right, I see my rhyming
lessons are paying off.

So glad my world is crumbling.

Yeah, I'm gonna change..

Oh, I'll help you.

Okay.

Heh! I was kidding.

You should've seen
the look on your face.

[CHUCKLES]

How would you know?

You don't look at my face.

Look, I know, you may
think you know her

because of those flirty emails
you've been exchanging,

but she is actually
in a very delicate state.

Well, I'm ready to hit the town
and throw some cocktails down.

Ooh, my star pupil, excuse me.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

You know what would be great
at the engagement party?

Theme drink,

like a--
Like a Jen and Tonic.

Or an Adam-tini.
Yeah.

Wait, could--? Could we not have
"Adam" and "teeny"

in the same sentence?

Hey, you know what'd be
a cute drink?

Beer.

Come on, Jen,
I know a place

where we can rent
a margarita machine.

Oh, I know a bar named
the Margarita Machine.

Ooh, that sounds better.

Hey, so we're throwing you
an engagement party.

That's exciting.
Yeah, should be.

Audrey's been offering to
throw you a party for months

and you've always said no.
Why the sudden change of heart?

We just wanna celebrate
our love with our best friends.

Best friends?

I saw the guest list.

You invited the rich cat lady
down the hall.

She's a good friend.

What's her name?

Mrs...

Pussy Whiskers.

What the hell
are you trying to pull?

Nothing.
Don't play dumb with me.

That's a game you can't win.

All right, all right, we're
just in it for the presents.

Okay, we're registering
for a ton of stuff.

I want in.

What?

Yeah, let me register
for some stuff that I want.

If you're gonna pull
a scam in my apartment,

the house should get a taste.

Gotta kick a little tribute
up to Paulie.

All right, all right, fine,
fine. But no big-ticket items.

I don't think you're
in any position to make demands.

Mr. Teeny.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

This is so exciting.

My first pretzel
as a single woman.

Guess you're enjoying your first
hangover as a single woman too?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry I crashed
so early last night.

I haven't partied like that
in a long time.

[CHUCKLES]

Did I really flash
the cab driver?

Oh, yeah.
You saved us 20 bucks.

Oh.
That's my girl.

Whoa, look what I did
without even fake yawning first.

[GIGGLES]

BOY:
Hey, mister, catch.

Oh, ha-ha!
Good throw.

There you go, buddy.

I love kids.

Anyway, I was thinking
maybe later--

BOY:Catch.

All right, that was fun.
Good game.

Anyway--Catch.

Kid, it's over, okay?
Go deep.

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

Hey, um, you know, my whole
divorce thing with Rick

would have been a lot harder

if I didn't have you to
talk to, to make me laugh.

Luckily, a lot of nice things
rhyme with "Rick".

[LAUGHS]

Now, seriously,
you're great.

You deserve to be happy.

Well, you're great too.

You deserve to be taller.

Ha-ha-ha! Really?

That's cute, but guess what?

You're the pretty one,
I'm the funny one.

Got it? Okay.

What's this?
Hm-hm.

You need help
crossing the street?

Oh-ho! Further proof
that I'm the funny one.

BOY:
Catch. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

What? Come here!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I mean, I can't wait to go to
the store and pick out presents.

It's gonna be like winning

the Showcase Showdown
on The Price is Right.

For me it's gonna be like

stealing stuff
from the guy who won.

You scoot over. Scoot.

Well, I just had a very...

interesting day with Barb.

What, she bought you
a Smurf-skinned jacket?

I spent the day with Barb,
just hanging out,

and there was no sex.

Can you believe it?

Well, she is Audrey's sister.

This is all new to me.

I didn't hit it,

yet I don't wanna quit it.

No, no, y-you might
be falling in love.

Oh, gross.

Yeah, you know, he may be right.

Isn't being in love where
you're forced to have sex

with the same woman
for the rest of your life?

Yeah.

Sometimes not even her.

Whoa, you just
didn't even see

that hot girl walk by.

What, I didn't?

Holy crap, am I gay?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS]

Would you stop that?

These are for registering.

Yeah, registering whup-ass
all over the bad guys.

[IMITATING GUNSHOTS]

You just registered
for a salad shooter.

It was either him or me.

Come on.

Oh, which toaster should we get,
the two- or the four-slice?

What about this six-slice one?

When would we ever
need to make six?

When it's my night
to cook dinner.

Four is fine.

Oh, what about
this bread maker?

We're gonna make
our own bread?

What are we, Amish?

Ooh, but a pasta maker...

All right,

nice and easy,
put it back on the shelf.

Why?

No bread maker, no pasta maker.

Come on.

[BEEPS]
Ha! It's ours.

I know what you're asking
yourself, punk.

Did I register six times
or only five?

[SPANISH ACCENT]
Say hello to my little friend.

Yeah, I amen fuego
with this baby.

That's a sweet blender.

No, no, we wanted that,
you present sponge.

It'll look fishy
if we ask for two.

Well, looks like a duel.

Five paces, turn and shoot.

Whoever hits it gets it.

[NORMAL VOICE]
You're on.

One, two, three--

[BEEPS]

Mine.

[BLOWS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, these donut holes
are great.

Those are profiteroles,

and they're
for the engagement party.

Were.

Is Barb back yet?

I don't think so.
But on that topic,

um, when a relative of yours
stays with us,

you usually reward me.

In this area.

We already did it this month.

That one began before
midnight on the 31st,

so that sex was charged back
to the previous month.

Goes by when it started,

not when it finishes.

Hmm, good thing it doesn't
go by when I finish.

Don't be a sore loser.

[SIGHS]

Shall we?

[CHUCKLING]
God, you...

Make it quick.

As opposed to?

[DOOR CLOSES]

What was that?

Is that Barb? Is she home?

Sounds like she's not alone.
[BARB LAUGHING]

Oh, God, Russell?

Why would he come here?

Why couldn't he just
go back to his place

to have sex with my sister?

What did I just say?

Just block it out.

Unless it makes you hot.

Oh, it doesn't.

Just close the door,

close it.

Hey, dude.

I'm totally getting it on
with your roommate.

Well, I have good news
and bad news.

What's the good news?

It's all bad news.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I can't believe my sister

brought home a strange guy
last night.

Yeah, he did look
a little skeevy.

I'm checking to make sure
nothing's missing.

Is he still here?

I don't know. But my
Mr. Met bobblehead still is.

Yeah, 'cause that's what
he would have stolen.

You okay, little guy?

Oh, morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Is, uh--?
Oh, no, no.

He left.

With anything?

Just a big old smile
on his face.

I'm out.

Going down to the diner,

and, uh, not be here anymore.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Really, Barb
had a one-night stand?

Yeah.

Yeah, he looked like
that guy, um...

Tommy Lee.

Wow, I mean, and Russell doesn't
know, so, what are you gonna do?

I think I'm going
fish and chips.

No, no, I meant are you gonna
tell Russell,

or are you just gonna let him
get crushed by Barb?

I hadn't considered it.

You know, sometimes it's good
to go over the pros and cons.

Okay.
Okay.

Pro: If you tell him,

it can save him some pain
and disappointment.

Con: If I tell him,
it'll be kind of awkward for me.

Pro: If you tell him,

it could save Barb from
that uncomfortable conversation.

Con: If I tell him
and he gets upset,

that'll be
really awkward for me.

Pro: If you tell him,
Audrey would appreciate

that you saved her sister
from another emotional upheaval.

Con: I don't wanna tell him.

Um...

I'm glad we worked that out.

Scoot over.

So as much as I didn't wanna
believe it,

I think you guys are right
about my feelings for Barb.

Get this.

Today I held her hand without
guiding it towards anything.

Hey,

was she in a good mood

when she got home
from our date last night?

You have no idea.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Come on,
I was having fun.

I mean, back in school
I was Miss Goody Two-Shoes.

And you were--

I, Miss Two-Shoes-
On-The-Dashboard-

Of-My-Boyfriend's-Car, yeah.

So you kind
of understand, right?

Ha-ha! Yes.

Don't worry, last night
was only a one-time thing...

that I did three times.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I hate to even ask, but if you
just wanted a one-night thing,

why not Russell?

Russell and I are
just good friends.

Oh, come on, that's the reason?

Not the wardrobe,
the smarminess,

the man necklace?[LAUGHS]

He actually
is a really sweet guy.

Maybe.

But there's also
the snide laugh, the goatee,

the open shirt, the girl hair?

Oh, you know what? I--
I've got a list on my computer.

I'll just go print it out
for you.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Look at this crowd.
We are gonna score every gift

we registered for.

I know.

But I don't recognize
a lot of these people.

Neither do I.

You know, I-- I sent
invitations to everyone

on the office blood drive list.

They're proven givers.

Nice.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.

What's up, chief?

What's up, Snoop?

Ladies, may I offer you
something from the bar?

Thank you, Russell.
Oh, yeah, thanks.

So is it just us,

or are you trying to get
all the woman here drunk?

Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, Audrey, you are a pip.

Excuse me, Russell,
I am going to get a bite.

Oh, how about
I give you a bite? Ar!

[GIGGLES]

I know,
aren't we an adorable couple?

You know, I was thinking
of getting us

matching highlights.

You're right, that's a bad idea,
it's stupid.

Hey,

why does Russell think that
he and Barbara are a couple?

Oh, turns out he has
serious feelings for her.

He does?

Does he know about
her one-night stand?

No.

Do these sound like
long-range walkie-talkies?

How long have you known
that he felt like this?

A few days.

Why didn't you
tell me right away?

Well, I would've, but we didn't
have long-range walkie-talkies.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, we agreed we'd
open those together. No peeking.

You got the back massager.
Awesome, what else?

A toaster.

Let's just say
we're no longer

gonna be placing
salad in a bowl,

we're gonna be shooting it.

We've executed
the perfect crime.

We have to leave, but we wanted
to thank you for including us

thank you for gracing us
with your presence.

Well, Mike and I
are renewing our vows next week,

and you'll be getting an invite.

Oh, sure.

We're registered at Tiffany's.

Renewing their vows?

What a lame excuse
for a party.

They're scamming us right back.

Now we have to get them
a gift.

No, it's okay, we'll just...

We'll give them
this talking scale.

Um, no, I wouldn't--
Take it easy,

pretty boy, I'll tell you
if you're getting fat.

Part of me wants to warn Russell

and save him
the heartbreak,

but part of me doesn't.

That's the old duality of man.

Thank you, college.

Maybe this is just fate's way
of paying Russell back

for the way
he treats women.

I have no idea
why I'm doing this.

And you know, really,
who am I to argue with fate?

Maybe it's time Russell
got some of his own medicine.

I should just sit back
and enjoy the show.

I'm gonna go out here
and enjoy a beer.

See you
at my housewarming party.

Wouldn't miss it
for the world,

champ.

That's like the third gift
we have to give now.

Eighth, we got
a bunch more invites,

including one for Rachel's dog.

She's throwing him
a bark-mitzvah.

Who's Rachel?

I don't know.

But her dog's getting
a shower massage.

Hey, there you are.

Hm. What's up?

Listen, uh,

I know
you're not my biggest fan.

I just wanted to tell you that
my feelings for Barb are real.

And I would never do anything
to hurt her.

Oh, okay.

Okay, well, that took a lot
for me to say.

I had to slam down
like five Jen and Tonics

just to get that out.

But I do care about her.

And that's not just
the Jen talking.

Uh-huh.

Why are you looking me
in the eyes?

My boobs are down here.

Maybe Barb changed me.

Anyway, I'm gonna go tell her
what I just told you.

Uh, Russell.

Ah...Russell.

Umm, I-I don't think

you should tell Barb
how you feel.

Oh, I know, it's lame, right?
But I gotta take a shot.

N-no, um-- No, I don't think
you should tell her

because she doesn't feel
the same way.

How do you know that?

Well, last night after your date
she brought home...

a pint of ice cream.

And?And--

And, you know, she told me

that she would never ruin
her special friendship with you

by taking it any further.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. No, I just--
I wasn't listening.

I was too busy checking out
the Twin-denburgs there.

Oh, the humanity.

Look, Russell,
I know how you feel.

Well, I wouldn't mind
knowing how those feel.

I know you're covering,
but you crossed the line.

Oh, hey, I'm getting a text.

It's this chick Tina.

She's got a pottery wheel,

wants to do
a little Ghost action.

So...I'm gonna cruise.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

And for the Robinson's
housewarming,

give them the Crock-Pot.

I'm not waiting eight hours
to eat anything.

All right,
this isn't too bad.

We've assigned gifts to people

who invited us
to their parties.

Yeah, we still have all those
leftover for us.

Mm.

[CHUCKLES]

Mine.

Mine.

Also mine.

Well, at least we still have
the six-slice toaster.

Six-slice?

It's mine.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I don't know.

Maybe it was love,

maybe it wasn't.

Do I have regrets?

A few,

but all in all it's better
to have loved and lost.

Am I right?

Catch.

Catch.

It's like a one-track mind
with you.

I don't know why I'm talking
to you about this anyway.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]