Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 9 - A Visit from Fay - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

AUDREY:
Jeff, can you get that?

Hey.
Hey, bro.

Can I borrow your inflatable
mattress for my mom's visit?

Yeah, sure,
it's in the hall closet.

Actually I'm running
to the airport to get her.

Can you-- Can you
bring it over?

I'm sorry, did we get married
when I wasn't looking?

It's just that,
you know,

Jen's meeting my mom
for the first time.



It's-- It's
pretty exciting.

How so?

Well, I just think she's lucky
she's not getting one of those

meddling mother-in-laws.

I mean...my mom's really cool.

I'm, uh, sure
it'll go smoothly.

I'll bring the bed over.

Ah. Hey, thanks.

[IMITATING ADAM]
"My mom's really cool."
[LOCKS]

Kid's priceless.

Hey, the TV's not working.
Did you touch the remote?

Not since I saw you
scratching yourself with it.

Oh.

Check the bedroom TV,
I'll call the satellite company.



Let's go.

Oh, great, a recording.

AUDREY:
Bedroom's not
working either.

"Technical difficulties"?

What did I call, the 1960s?

How hard can it be
to keep a satellite

in geosynchronous orbit
with the Earth

to receive and send images
to a dish outside of our window?

[MOCKING]
I mean...that's
so difficult.

Honey. There are
plenty of other things

we can do
besides watch TV.

All right, maybe...

"plenty" was a reach.

This is like an episode
of The Twilight Zone,

a show I wish I could
watch right now.

DVD?

I am not watching
Braveheart again.

How about we have
a little conversation?

Sure.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

My favorite part
is when Mel Gibson

keeps yelling "freedom."

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

Hey, guys.
Hey.

We brought the inflatable bed.
Yes, we brought it.

Thanks.

Just put it back there.

Hey...you guys
have old-timey cable,

not satellite, right?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

So you nervous about
meeting Adam's mom?

No, Fay and I have talked on
the phone. She's really nice.

Oh, yeah. All mothers-in-law
seem that way.

Then you meet 'em face to face,

and it's showdown
at My Little Boy Corral.

There's an oldie
but goody.

[CHUCKLES]

After growing up
with four brothers,

it'll be great to have
a female in the family.

I'm so excited to do
girl stuff, like go shopping

and talk about the wedding.
Oh, great idea. Yeah.

Let her hijack the wedding
before the date's even set.

She didn't hijack--

Nothing.

Fay's not like that.
She lives in Sedona,

she's new-agey and creative.

I bet she'll have
some really cool ideas.

Still gave birth to Adam. Yeah.

She's gonna be judging
everything you do.

And trust me,
nothing will ever be right.

Well, it's great that it
doesn't still bother you.

Hey.
We're here.

Jen, this is my mom.

It's so nice to meet you, Fay.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes! Oh.

Oh. Man, I wish
I had a camera.

We have a camera.

Yeah. I wish I hadn't
broken the camera.

Uh, hey, Mom. These are
our friends from down the hall.

That's, uh,
Audrey and Jeff.

Hi, it's so nice to meet you.
Audrey!

Okay,
we're...doing this.

Hi.

And Jeff.

Easy, lady.
Ah.

Okay.

It is so nice
to meet all of you.

And Jen, Adam's father
really wanted to come,

but he's on the second day
of his colon cleanse.

And you wouldn't want him
here on day three.

Hey, Mom. Uh, what do you
think about the apartment?

Jen did all the decorating.

Well, it's, uh...

not really
an apartment.

It isn't?

FAY:
No.

What you've created
here is a home.

And Adam has never looked

happier or healthier.

And that's all you.

Oh. Thanks, Fay.

Oh, how was
your flight?

Ugh. Nightmare city.

Heh. At the airport,
the security chick

got real frisky with me.

And, you know, I mean, sure,
I've gone that way,

but get to know me
first, right?

[LAUGHS]

Look at 'em. It's like
they belong together.

Yeah. Like my thumb
and a remote.

Now I'm sad.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, man.
How's it going?

Keith Partridge called.
He wants his shirt back.

I got it from your mother.

Hey, watch it.

No, literally,
I got it from your mother.

She gave it to me
as a birthday present.

What is it with you and my mom?

Oh. If I had a dime for every
time I heard that question.

You've only met her
a couple of times,

you act like you've
known her all your life.

I'll lay it on the line.
Fay's the mom I never had.

But you have a mom.

But yours is better.

And she's
so warm and caring,

and she accepts me for who I am.

When I was born,
my mom demanded a DNA test.

Oh, there she is. Fay!

How's my little
"Russell-ing" leaf?

Ah. Oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, my shirt.

I wasn't sure if a child's large
would fit, but it does.

Ha-ha. Like a child's
large glove.

Hi, sweetie.
Hey, Mom.

Hey, how was the rally?
Oh, fantastic.

Climate change
is pushing

the polar bear
towards extinction.

Ooh, really? I did not hear
that on Entertainment Tonight.

Yeah. And who'll help
the polar bears if we don't?

Oh. Not the black bear.

They're all, like,
"Yo, take that, whitey."

Oh, and I met some really,
really interesting people,

who invited me to join them

at a spontaneous
public art project.

RUSSELL: Ooh.
Well, would you like to join me?

Oh, I'd-- I'd love to,
but we have to work.

You mean you have to work,
Mr. Corporate Sellout.

Yeah, we work together.
Ah, yeah, I'm gonna need you

to stay late
and pick up my slack.

Hey, I found someone
to cover for me. I can go.

Oh, good.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, I just thought of
another one. Magnum P.I.

Yeah. Yeah,
that was a good show.

Good stories, good scenery,
good mustache.

[CHUCKLING]

It's fun thinking of TV shows
that are good.

But now I'm gonna
go count how many

plastic containers
we have in the kitchen.

Fourteen.
But only nine lids.

What's up with that?

Come on. There's gotta be
something interesting

we can do that
doesn't involve TV.

Well, you know,
we could play Monopoly.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, Monopoly? No way.

You take it way too seriously.

it's just not fun
for me.

Well, you know,
it's not fun for me

to always have to watch you
being a sore loser.

Oh, all right.
You're on.

And this time the little shoe
is gonna kick the thimble's ass.

I'm not sure the thimble
has an ass, but...

Let's do this.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Ah. Pennsylvania
Avenue...

home of Jeff's Hotel and Spa...

a wholly-owned subsidiary
of Jeff Co.

Just tell me
how much.

Can you really
put a price on luxury?

How much?

Well...$1400.

Well, I only have 1200.

Love to let
you slide,

but corporate's been
riding me about comps.

But, you know,
I'd say that, uh,

shirt and bra are worth
the 200.

I don't think so.

But I do think
it was kind of dumb of you

not to get earthquake insurance
for your properties.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

Looks like it's
gonna be a big one.
Okay.

[SCREAMS]

Now it's fun.

Four hundred bucks.

Four hundred bucks
for the shirt and the bra.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, here's a film
I've been dying to see.

Oh, great. Hey, let's--
Let's all go tonight.

Me and my two
most special ladies,

out for a night on the town.

Sounds fun.
Let's do it.

Okay, I'll just
take a quick shower,

and then I'll be ready
to split. Okay.

"Split?"

Far out, man.
[CHUCKLES]

Isn't she great?

She is a trip.
I knew you'd love her.

FAY:
Oh. Where's my head at?

Oh, don't mind me.

I just forgot

my loofa...

and my kelp shampoo.

Oh! Here they are.

Yup. There they are.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

That was nice.

Solid outing, honey.

[GIGGLING]

See? Life without TV
isn't so bad.

We got back from work,
we ate dinner, talked,

played a game,
and we had sex.

Oh, what time is it?

Ten after 7.

[SIGHS]

Trebek's wrapping up
the first round on Jeopardy.

What is...

this blows?

[PHONE RINGS]
I'll get it.

No, let me get it.
I'll get it.

Hello?
Is it the satellite company?

It's Jennifer.

Jennifer from
the satellite company?

From down the hall.
[GROANS]

Ask her what's going on
in the outside world.

Has the country
gone metric yet?

What?

No, it hasn't.

Still not metric.
Ha.

Suck on that, Europe.

Anyway,

Fay's not judging me, but
she's kind of weird.

She thinks it's okay
to walk around the apartment

naked in front of us.

Really? Naked?

How's her body?

Smokin'.

But Adam didn't even flinch,
so, you know,

I don't know if I'm
overreacting, or if, uh--

Oh, I gotta go.
Okay, bye.

Hey.
Hey.

Wow. Prime location.

It's a documentary
about Che Guevara.

I didn't exactly have to
put a sweater over a seat.

Where's your mom
and Russell?

Still getting popcorn.
Mom's talking to the manager

about the trans fat
in the butter.

Well, I hope
she doesn't see my nachos.

The ingredients are
"chemical" and "yellow."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Come here.

Oh. Oh.
What?

Oh. You're a little,
you know, B.O.-y.

Did you use deodorant?

Oh, yeah, I used this, uh,
natural stuff Mom gave me.

Do you know there's aluminum
in the kind we use?

Yeah, I believe it acts
as a stink shield.

Well, this deodorant is
better for the world.

Not the world
downwind of you.

So you don't really
think it's weird

that your mom
walks around naked?

No, not at all. I mean,
it's how I grew up.

Everyone comes
into the world naked.

Yes. And then
we go to Macy's.

Oh. The manager
ignored me.

I only wish I could show him
pictures of people's arteries

after they eat
that popcorn.

I didn't get
any popcorn.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So, Fay,
I thought tomorrow

we could head out for our big
fun day of shopping around 11?

Oh, man, I--
I totally spaced.

I-- I know we made
plans but...

I can't go.

I got really involved
with this art project.

Oh, that's too bad.

I wanted to show you
some wedding things.

Oh, honey. You and Adam don't
have a date set yet, do you?

No, but don't worry.
When we do set one,

I'm really excited to have you
involved in all the planning.

Well, you guys
are so great together.

To be really honest,
I'm totally cool

if you don't ever
get married.

Huh?

I mean, you guys are already
living together.

You don't need
government permission.

I mean, who--

Who needs a piece
of paper to prove anything?

I kind of do.

And...I thought Adam did.

I mean,
no disrespect to you,

I know you and Shep
never got married.

That's true, but we had
a wonderful Navajo ceremony.

Oh, I thought that picture
of you in the squaw outfit

was from a carnival.

Mm, with the peyote,
it sure felt like it.

All right. Got you all
set up in our bedroom.

Oh, thanks, baby.
Mm-hm.

I-I think I'm gonna
crash now.

Good night, Mom.
Good night. Oh.

And I know
it's a small apartment

and sound really carries,

but...feel free
to make love.

It won't bother me
at all.

I was at Woodstock.

You heard
the woman. Come on.

Yes, I did. And eww!
[BABBLING]

I am not doing it with your mom
in the next room listening.

FAY:
Oh, and if you want,

there's a book on tantric sex
in my carryon.

Tantric sex?

It's okay, Mom.
We're good.

No, we're not good.
We're freaking out.

Shh! Oh, go outside.

God.

Hey. Why are you
being so uptight?

You need to mellow out.

Oh, I'll "mellow out" once Nixon
gets our troops out of Nam

and I spark up a doobie.

Why are you making fun
of my mother?

Hey. I have been
very patient with her,

but you have to admit,
she's a little bit kooky.

She's not kooky.
She's passionate.

Not about waxing.

Okay, forget the fact
that she backed out

of our shopping plans,
and she's practically a nudist.

She just told me she doesn't
think we need to get married.

She thinks it's just
a piece of paper.

Well, technically,
she's right.

Oh. So that's
what you think too?

Now you agree
with Mother Nature?

Oh, yeah, like
your family's such a treat.

My family? At least my family

has a God-fearing love
and respect for clothing!

Shh! Down the hall.

See that? Couple
days without TV,

we've put together
our honeymoon photo album.

Something we've been
meaning to do

for 13 years.

More you than me, but it's fun
to see the old mullet again.

ADAM:
We used to all sleep
in the same bed,

because we didn't have
any hang-ups.

JENNIFER:
Hang-ups are good.
I was raised with a dose

of shame and guilt, and all
that other good Catholic stuff.

Adam and Jennifer
are having a huge fight

right outside our door.
Oh, this is juicy.

What about your mother and you
snuggling in the theater?

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, in the hills
of West Virginia.

Oh, snap.

What about your four
animal brothers wrasslin'

after dinner
in the living room?

They were having good,
clean fun.

When they pulled you in,
almost gave you a concussion?

I don't remember that.

What about your family opening
Christmas presents a week early?

Oh. We did that to
stick it to the Man.

The Man? Who's
the Man? Santa?

This is my new
favorite show.

Oh, God.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I am really psyched
about this.

You know, it's one thing
to look at art,

but it's a whole
other trip to be art.
Ha-ha.

Actually, my mother is art.

Her face was sculpted
by a plastic surgeon.

[CHUCKLES]

True story.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

And I really tried.

I wanted to go shopping,
she made other plans.

I wanted manicures,

she wouldn't because
of the chemicals.

She only eats
gluten-free foods,

and I don't know
what gluten is.

But I know I love it.

Well, she certainly
is different.

I know, right?

No. I was not backing
you up there, sweetie.

I mean, to her,
you're different.

The only thing is,
she's not judging you.

All right, I get it.

But she doesn't even care
if Adam and I get married.

She'd be fine if
we lived together forever.

That doesn't mean
that's what Adam thinks.

Look, this woman is gonna be
your mother-in-law.

You are gonna
have to deal with it.

You're right.
And trust me,

I would trade her
for mine any day.

My mother-in-law treats
Jeff's father like a king,

which, hm, gives Jeff some
pretty hilarious expectations.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I just-- I just
don't get it.

I mean, growing up, all
my friends loved my mother.

Oh, imagine that.

Teenage boys
loving a naked woman.

Yeah, but my mom's so nice.

And I can't believe everything
about her bugs Jennifer.

I've been married for 13 years,
I minored in psychology,

let me explain why.

Your mom is cuckoo
for Cocoa Puffs.

What?

Seems like a nice lady
and all, but come on.

Crystals?
Burning sage in the lobby?

[OPENS VELCRO STRAPS]

Hugging me?

Uh, I see nothing weird
about any of that.

Well, that's because
you were raised

by granola-chompin'
tree people.

Look...you're not alone.

At first Audrey and my mom
didn't get along at all.

Yeah? What'd they
fight about?

Well, my mother
feels that a wife should

devote herself to her husband,

greet him with a martini
when he comes home.

Whereas Audrey...

is wrong.

Do they get along now?

I stay out of it.

The guy who tries
to break up the fight

always ends up with
a knife in his chest.

Everyone's family seems
crazy to an outsider.

I mean...

who opens
their Christmas presents

the week before?

Wait, how do
you know about that?

Last night's episode
of The Adam and Jennifer Show.

The wife and I are big fans.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So, w-what's the theme
of this picture?

A-are the overcoats
supposed to symbolize

the...conformity of modern...

something?

Only the artist
knows.

Okay, people.

Let's do this quickly
before security comes.

[CLAPS]
This is so exciting.

You know, I know
we're not related,

but whenever we are together,

it really feels like...
MAN: One, two, three.

...you're my mother.

[SCREAMING]

No! No, no.

Mommy.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.
Hey.

I'm sorry.

Hm. Me too.

Oh, you smell good.
What is that?

Aluminum.

Thank you.

So you still wanna get
married with a piece of paper

and clothing and stuff, right?
Yes.

I don't agree with everything
my mom thinks,

but I still love her,
'cause she's my mom.

You know, I should, uh...

be more understanding

and accept her
the way she is.

Oh, she'll grow on you.

Like those mushrooms she used
to keep on the windowsill

and wouldn't
let me eat.

Oh...God.

Now that was
a good ending.

I wonder
what's on next.

Eh, that boring
elevator show.

You know, we should
full on get a telescope.

That high-rise across
the way,

that would be like
100 different stations.

Didn't I tell you we could
have fun without TV?

Yeah. We could've even
made it as a couple

back in the golden age
of radio.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, thank
the good Lord.

AUDREY:
So, what do you want to do
the rest of the night?

Well, uh...

satellite's
still out.

So we might
as well have sex.

Oh.

There's gotta be
something else we can do.

Play Monopoly.
Oh, let's go.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, hey,
here it is.

REPORTER [ON TV]:
With me is avant-garde
photographer Bruno.

Bruno, what does
your latest work symbolize?

Well, it says so many things.
But I think

what it really
symbolizes is

the conformity
of modern...

something.

I knew that was it!

That's what I said.

Anyway, I don't think
I can look at...

your mom

as my mom anymore.

Oh, just 'cause you saw her
naked, you lost the feelings?

Oh, I still have feelings.

They're just in a...

new category.

Don't. Okay. Do not.

Train's already left
the station, buddy.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]