Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 11 - Jen at Work - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, guys.
What's up?

Hey, honey,
just talking about work.

He's talking
about work.

I'm singing "Safety Dance"
in my head,

and I really wish I wasn't.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

Hey, you know those
new condos I told you about?

Mm-hm.
They finally broke ground.

Yeah, now we need someone
to design the sales brochure.

Oh, perfect.
Now it's "Kokomo."



Hey, hey. I just
had a great idea.

Five bucks says
it isn't great.

Well, let's have Jen
do the brochure.

Ha-ha! I win.

Oh, come on, man.

She designs this sort of thing
all the time. She's good.

Look, this is
an important client.

We can't just throw the job
to some chick you're nailing.

I'm his fiancée.

And how does that contradict
what I just said?

I'm sorry, but this is not
how people are hired

in a professional business.

You hired an architect because
she had a tongue ring.

No, no. Hired that girl
'cause she had big cans.



The, uh, tongue ring
was a filthy little bonus.

Now listen. I'm doing
you guys a favor.

I'm protecting you.

Couples should not work
together. It always ends badly.

Not always.
Oh, really?

Every girl
I've ever dated at work

wound up getting fired.

Now these poor things were
forced to live on their large...

harassment settlements.

Well, that's not
gonna happen to us.

No. We'll just
separate home and work.

Yeah, we'll have Work Adam
and Work Jen,

and Home Adam
and Home Jen.

Yeah, that'll be great.

See? There you go.
Problem solved.

Fine, I'll give it a shot.

I'd love to be proven wrong.

Like I was by seven juries.

Ah. Hey, hey.

Oh, the version of you guys that
still has hope is over there.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hey.

Hey, guys.
Hey.

Guess what?

Adam just got me some freelance
work for his company.

Congratulations.
You're gonna work together?

Good plan.

Ah! Damn it.

What's wrong?

Hurt my shoulder
playing softball.

Hm. How'd it happen?
Funny story.

[MOUTHS]
It's not. It's not funny.

In Ancient Rome,
women took pride

in their husbands' achievements
on the battlefield.

In Ancient Rome, their husbands
didn't injure themselves

tripping over the pony keg
at third base.

Thanks for blowing
the end of my story.

Anyway, soaked my shoulder
in the hot tub at the gym,

but it's still sore.

Hot tub?

Jeff, you know those are
bad for your sperm.

Nice mealtime topic,
Audrey.

Yeah, Audrey,
it's kind of gross.

So, what's up
with your sperm?

I think you're making
Jennifer uncomfortable.

Well, what's going on
down there?

I mean, are your guys weak,
or is it failure to launch?

I don't want to talk
about my junk.

Jeez. It's not a big deal.
They're our friends.

We had a fertility test
a while back,

and Jeff's boys
were a little slow.

[GASPS]

I didn't even know
you guys were trying.

Well, we're trying
to be trying.

The doctor gave Jeff a list
of things he should do,

like wearing loose underwear
and taking supplements,

and staying out
of hot tubs.

Yeah, I've been doing
most of that.

I just fell off the wagon
a little bit.

What's "a little bit"?

I may have forgotten to
refill the supplements,

and when I play softball,
I wear tighty-whities.
Oh.

Are you kidding?
I tried wearing boxers,

but when I ran,
it felt like

someone was shooting dice
in my pants.

You're getting
retested this week.

Don't you want
to be at your best?

Yes, that's why
I switched to briefs.

I didn't want my guys
all dazed and punchy

from the beating
they were taking down there.

Hey, does that affect
your fertility?

Because one time, when I was 12,
I jumped off this diving board

and landed right on my--
Adam.

What? I was gonna
say pool toys.

Man, did that
hurt my balls.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, what's up?Hey.

Hey, did you rearrange
your furniture?

Oh, yeah. I "porn shuied"
the whole office.

You what?

I "porn shuied" it.

That's when you rearrange
the furniture

so no one can see what's
on your computer screen.

"Porn shuied?"
Yeah, I invented it.

You are a very deep guy.

And yet I don't mean to be.

Boy, imagine how
successful you'd be

if you focused more on work
and less on porn.

Yeah. We'll have to
imagine that.

Anyway, there should be
no spot in this room

where people can...
see what I'm doing.

So here, you be me.
Sit down for a second

and let me test this.

All right.

Oh, God.

Oh, grow up.

All right, I can't see
the screen. Good.

I can't see your hands,

which is important
for long meetings.

Oh, crap.

What?
There's a reflection

in that picture, and I'm
getting a hint of an orgy.

All right. Help me take
this picture down.

Here, that's not
going anywhere.

Help me take
the picture down.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hi.
Oh, hey. What's up?

Well, I know
you and Jeff

aren't having any luck
getting pregnant,

so I brought you
something.

Oh, God.

Tell me there isn't
a baby in that bag.

Heck no.

I brought you...

this.

Well, I feel bad.

I didn't get you anything ugly

and...slightly offensive.

No, it's a fertility
idol.

It's been in my family
for years,

and everyone
who gets it

ends up pregnant.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, honey,
that's really sweet,

but I don't really
believe in that stuff.

Oh. I know
it sounds crazy,

but 10 years ago, a doctor
told my cousin

she couldn't
have kids.

She got this
and two months later,

pregnant with
twin boys.

Really?
Yeah.

Her husband was pissed

'cause he'd been out of
town for six months,

but that's not
the idol's fault.

Okay. I mean,
I guess it can't hurt.

Unless I sit on it.

It's so exciting
that you guys are trying.

I'm so happy for you.

Yeah. That makes two of us.

Why? You think
Jeff's not?

Come on, you heard him.
The hot tub, the underwear.

Plus, he's missed his last two
appointments to get retested.

I don't know. I think he's lost
interest in having a kid.

So talk to him.

Talk to Jeff about his emotions
and how he feels?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it would be like trying
to get turnip juice

from a monkey's head.

What?

It's a saying.

No. It isn't.

Anyway, you were talking
about Jeff.

I just-- I've learned
I can't force him

to talk about
his feelings.

I have to wait
till he's ready.

Usually, the signal is when
he says something like,

"Hey, Aud, I've
been thinking...

Ah, forget it."
[CHUCKLES]

I'm hearing
John Wayne.

Yeah, it's a fine line.

Hello, ladies.

That's just scary.

[AUDREYLAUGHS]

Hey.
[DOOR OPENS]

This one of
those things

that's supposed to tie
a room all together?

[DOOR CLOSES]

No. Heh-heh.

It's a fertility
idol.

Jen says everyone
who's ever gotten it

has gotten pregnant.

Which is what
we both want, right?

Sure.

Now that we're
resorting to magic,

why don't I have
David Copperfield

wave his hands
over my crotch?

You know, I know
it's silly,

but at least I'm
making an effort.

Hey, I'm making an effort
not to laugh at that thing.

It's no stupider than
your magic softball glove.

Audrey, the glove
is not magic.

I am magic when
I'm wearing the glove.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

What are you doing
in my office?

Uh, just checking
some e-mail.

My computer crashed.

Oh. How much porn
did you download?

All of it.

Oh, crap. There's
Jennifer.

Better get this porn
off your computer.

I thought you were
checking e-mail.

Don't be stupid.

Surprise.
ADAM:
Hey.

What are you doing here?

Thought I'd show you
what I came up with

for the brochures so you could
give me feedback.

Oh, uh...well, I got
a meeting in five minutes,

but I guess I could
take a quick look.

Uh...why don't you guys
do this at home?

Because this is a Work Adam
and Work Jennifer thing,

not a Home Adam
and Home Jennifer thing.

Ai, ai, ai.
I hate all four of you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go download
some, uh...

Oh, I don't know
what I'm gonna do now.

All right.
What do you got?
[DOOR OPENS]

Well, I think you are
really gonna like this.

So I wanted to do
something exciting.

Something that would really
set these condos apart.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I see where
you're going here,

but...I'm just not
sure about it.

What are you not sure about?
The colors.

I-- I think they're too loud
for the client's image.

Well, maybe these colors
could update their image.

I don't think the clients
want to update their image,

so I think you're gonna have to
just tone all this down a bit.

I don't want to
make it boring.

Heh. Jen, we're not trying to
sell the brochure.

The brochure is supposed
to sell the condos.

The brochure is just a tool.

I get it.

A tool.

This is fun, us working
together, huh?

Super fun.

Dude, dude, dude. I need
to use your computer.

My friend in Hong Kong
just called.

He said there's some new stuff
going up right now.

[TYPING]

Oh, dude, that's rough.

What else you got?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Jeff, come on. You don't
want to be late for the doctor.

Well, I'm just having
second thoughts.

Really?

Something you want to
talk about?

Yeah, I guess.
Uh, for my fertility test,

I was gonna go with
the '84 Vanessa Williams.

I'm thinking '78 Bo Derek.

What does it matter,
babe?

It's gonna be over
in five minutes anyway.

Babe, it's not about
the destination.

It's about the journey.

[CHUCKLES]
Come on. Let's go.

You know, I have a really
good feeling about this test.

How about you?

Yeah. I think it's gonna
go better than the others.

It's gonna be great.

Really?Yeah.

'Cause now I got
"Porn-occhio" over here.

Let's go.

I was gonna rub him
for good luck,

but looks like somebody
beat me to it.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Home Jen. Hm.

[CLOSES DOOR]

I think I owe you
an apology.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah. Because today,
this sexy graphic designer

came to my office, and I was
totally checking her out.

Oh.

Ha-ha-ha.

I was talking about you,
you know.

Yeah, I got it.

Anyway, I'm glad
you had a nice day,

'cause my day
kind of sucked.

What? Why?

Well, it turns out my new boss
is kind of an assface.

Wait, that's me.

What'd I do?

Oh, no, no.
This isn't about you.

This is about Work Adam.

A-- All right.
What did he do?

Well, I stayed up all night
designing these great brochures,

and he didn't say anything
nice. He just insulted me.

I did not. I w-- I was just
running late to a meeting--

No, no, no, no.
This is about Jerk Adam.

Oh. I'm sorry.
I meant Work Adam.

Oh, okay. Let me
tell you about my day.

This freelancer came into
my office with these designs

that I knew the client
wouldn't like.

And I tried to help her--

Oh. You call that help?
Oh, hey.

You don't know.
You weren't there.

Well, Work Jen told me.

Did she also tell you she can't
take constructive criticism?

Well, maybe that's because
she has personal problems.

She's probably engaged
to some assface.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Why are the results
taking so long?

Well, it has to be the doctor's
fault, because me?

I crushed my old record
in there.

That's great, babe.

Shouldn't you be more concerned
about the results?

Of course, and I am.

That's good.Yeah.

It's just that lately
I've been thinking...

Ah, forget it.
No. No, no, no.

What? Tell me.

Well, look, it's
just that...

lately I've been
feeling...

Whoa. Chocolate
Kisses.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, by the way,
doc.

Thanks for suggesting
the Vanessa/Bo tag-team combo.

[EXHALES]

That was a no-brainer.

You're all the same,
aren't you?

Hm?

Anyway, I, uh...

wanted to double-check
your results

to be sure.

Is everything okay?

Well, I don't know
quite how to say this,

but...well, it appears
that you've got...

Super sperm.

And the doctor actually
used those words?

Yes, he did.

It's like a koi pond
down there.

Waitress, can you cancel
my fish and chips, please?

I thought your boys
were slow.

Turns out they were just
mild-mannered, like Clark Kent.

Jeez, what happened
to the guy

who didn't want to
talk about his junk?

This guy's been replaced
by this guy.

I've got
super sperm.

Yeah. Well, that about kills
the whole menu for me.

Well, I guess you don't
have to worry about the hot tub

and all that other stuff.
I guess not.

Who knows? Maybe that fertility
idol had some mojo after all.

You know, that's where
we're different.

In my bedroom, I have
an anti-fertility idol.

Yeah, it's called
your face.

[LAUGHS]

Anyway. Thank Jen
for me.

Oh. Yeah, well, Jen and I
aren't really talking.

Uh, we're kind of fighting
about working together.

Oh. W-well, wait
a second now. No way.

Who could've seen
that coming?

Oh, I don't know: anyone who's
lived anywhere ever.

Well, you know, Jen gets
criticism all the time

about her work,
and she's fine, right?

I make a few little comments,
and she calls me an assface.

[SUCKS IN BREATH]

You kind of are.

[TAPS TABLE]

Look, it's a common
rookie mistake.

About 10 years ago,
I brought Audrey on

as my assistant
for a month.

Or, as it turned out,

the longest day and a half
of my life.

Just a day and a half?

Figured it was either lose
a secretary or lose a wife.

Kicking yourself for blowing
that call, aren't you, buddy?

[CACKLES]

I might get something
after all.

I'm just saying, sometimes
it's best to cut your losses.

Hey, thanks for
the advice.

Don't thank me.
It's my duty to help.

With great power...

comes great responsibility.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey. There's my man.
Yes.

I thought we were gonna

go to bed early tonight.
Where you been?

Ah, I just got talking
to Phil down the hall there.

About your test results?
Of course.

Jeff, you told everyone
in the doctor's waiting room,

our cab driver,
the doorman...

Bill Krawski in 7B.

Since when do you know the names
of other people in the building?

Since I found out
that I have--

No. God, please don't
say it again, please.

[MOUTHS]
Super sperm.

You've had your fun,
you've bragged about it.

Now it's time to put
those boys to work.

All right.

You da man.

[PHONE RINGING]

All right, you know what?
I gotta take this.

Yeah. It's important.

Jimmer, thanks for getting back
to me so quickly.

Jimmer?
That's important?

Guess what part of me is
faster than a speeding bullet?

Come on, Jeff.
We--

No. No.

Bingo.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh. Hey, honey.

Hey. I think I've
got a solution

that will fix everything
and make us both happy.

Really? What is it?

You're fired.

What?

You're fired.

Huh?

Seriously, that's
your solution?

Working together was bad.
We need to cut our losses.

Fine, then you quit.

I was there first.
I'm not quitting.

Well, I'm not
letting you fire me.

Fine, then you're
not fired.

Good. I quit.

I was just giving you
constructive criticism.

The kind you get
all the time.

Well, I didn't like
getting it from you.

We shouldn't work together.
We shouldn't.

Damn it. Russell
was right.

Great, that's all
we need.

[SIGHS]

God, I can hear
him now.

"I don't want to
call you stupid, but...

[IMITATING RUSSELL]
you kind of are."

Hey. You know, Russell
won't know he was right

if you make
that presentation.

Well, I'd like to.
I mean, I did all that work.

Well, great.

So you gonna do it...
as is

or with...changes?

I'll make your changes.

I mean, you are the boss. You do
know what the client wants.

And that's what
I came up with.

Frankly, it's
a little boring.

We were hoping
for something bolder.

Something to update
our image.

Really?

I totally agree with you.

[QUIETLY]
I'm such an assface.

You kind of are.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[HUMMING]

Hey...dude.

I don't know if you had
a hand in all this,

but if you did...

thanks.

Oh, that can't
be good.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Good as new.

Come on!

What happened?

I broke the idol.

What? Jeff. That is
Jennifer's.

I know. Sorry.
I'll fix it.
Well, you better.

I know you thought
that idol was a big joke,

but you didn't have to
go break it.

It was
an accident.

You know me. When
things are going good,

I don't change
anything.

Yes, I know. I remember
that disgusting

Mets winning-streak
underwear.

I never should've
let you wash those.

That cost us
the World Series.

Now that the idol's broken...

it may cost me
my super sperm.

Oh, yeah. That would be
a tragedy, wouldn't it?

Then you couldn't brag
to everyone about it.

Uh, that's
not it.

Oh, then, was is it?

I guess...

over the last
few months...

I've just been feeling--

Ah, forget it.
No, no. No, no.

Just tell me.
I don't wanna!

Just tell me how you feel--
Frustrated!

Good. Why?

Because I want us
to have a baby,

and it's not happening.

So you do want
to have a baby?

Yeah, of course.

Why would you
even say that?

Well, because lately you haven't
seemed so excited

about the whole thing.

Because it's not happening,
and it's my fault.

Oh, honey.

No. Lots and lots
of things

in this marriage
are your fault...

but this isn't
one of 'em.

Whatever happens, we're
in this thing together.

Really?
Yes, we are a team.

We're like the Mets.

Before or after
you washed the underwear?

Before.

Come on.

And, you know, if
breaking that idol

really did ruin
your streak...

you better get to
that bedroom quickly,

before you lose
your, uh--

Can I say it?

[SIGHS]
Yes.

Super sperm.

If I let you watch,
will you forgive me?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hi. I'm Crystal
from IT.

I'm here to fix
your computer.

RUSSELL [VOICE-OVER]:
Oh, my God.

Have I looked at so much porn
that I somehow...

entered porn?

Better run a little test.

So...

what are you gonna
do here today?

Uh...service
my hardware?

Yes, I am.
That's my job.

Damn. That was
inconclusive.

Maybe the only way
to know is to...

make a move on her.

Well, I hope you're
good at your job,

because...maybe later...

you and I could--

What the hell do
you think you're doing?

Still not sure.

Oh.

[PUNCH LANDS]
[BODY HITS FLOOR]

RUSSELL:
Oh! Not porn.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]