Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 10 - Time Share - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Then a female party guest
comes in

to get her coat
off the pile,

not knowing that
I'm underneath the pile,

having me own party

with Vanessa.

[CHUCKLES]

And then the guest reaches

for, mm, what she thinks
is her umbrella.

BOTH:
But it wasn't.

Yeah, you already told me
that one.



Did I do this part?

Yeah, you need
some new moves.

Anyway,
you should leave.

Audrey's gonna be here
any second,

and I'm surprising her

with a luxurious getaway
weekend.

Wow, this place
looks pretty expensive.

What are you gonna do,
drive by it

on the way to Motel 6?

Check out the last page.

[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Here we go.

"All for $199,

once you've enjoyed our
time-share sales presentation."

Otherwise known as
the Jeff Bingham Special.



Yeah, yeah. That's right.
Jeff 1, System nothing.

Dude,

those salespeople are, like,
crazy aggressive.

At least the guy that sold me

my timeshare
in Gary, Indiana was.

So you gonna tell Audrey?

Yeah.

Eventually.

[SIGHS]

How are you not
on wife number two by now?

[KEYS
JINGLE]

[DOOR OPENS]

RUSSELL:A-ha-ha.

Mrs. Bingham.

Oh, Jeff. How nice.

You bought me
a garden gnome.

I cherish
our moments together.

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, baby, you've
been working hard lately...

[DOOR CLOSES]
and...don't think
I haven't noticed.

God, ever since Trish left,
you know, I've had such a full--

Hang on. I'm doing
something here.

Check this out.

You, me,

this weekend.

Booya!

Jeff with the total
power move.

Wow, this place looks nice.

Fine dining.

You're welcome.

Full spa.

My way of thanking you.

Pillowtop beds.

For your way of
thanking me.

Why is the last page
ripped out?

I must've drooled
on it

when I saw the picture
of the jazz brunch.

All right...just tell me.

Tell you what?

I don't want another
vacation surprise.

Like when
that bed-and-breakfast

turned out to be your buddy's
grandmother's house.

He said she wasn't
gonna be there.

Well, she was, Jeff.

She was, and she died.

Sunday night.

We still had
two good days.

So, what's the deal
this time, huh?

[SIGHS]

JEFF:
All right, look,
all you gotta do

is sit through a little
time-share sales presentation.

Oh. Okay.

Really?
Yeah, sure.

I mean...we're young,
we're just starting out,

we don't have
any money.

Oh, wait. That was
15 years ago.

Why do you always have to--?

All right, let's not get into
why I always do what I do.

It's never productive.

[CAP OPENS]

All right, look.
How ab this?

All the money that we save
goes to spa treatments for you.

Oh, that's a given.

But I still don't wanna deal
with those sales creeps.

You won't have to. You know
how I love doing battle

with those guys.
I'll just stare 'em down.

Hm. Like you do when
Girl Scouts come to our door?

They got a lot of nerve
charging those prices.

Those mints get thinner
every year.

Come on.

It'll be a very...
special weekend.

[INHALES]
Okay. I'm in.

Beats staying here all weekend

watching you dig things out
of your belly button.

Well, it's not like
that's not coming with me.

Yeah, hi, this is
Jeff Bingham.

I'm calling to confirm
the time-share weekend.

MAN [ON PHONE]:
Excellent, Mr. Bingham.

And you should know we're having
a special promotion.

If you bring another couple,
your weekend is free.

Free, you say?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

And it would mean so much
to us if you guys came along.

Really?
That would be awesome.

What a great idea.

AUDREY:
Isn't that sweet?

Jeff came up with it
all on his own.

Hey. Sharing good times
with friends.

That's what it's
all about.

Making memories.

Memories,
the building blocks of life.

Well, thank you.
Thanks, man.

This place
looks great.

I mean, it's got a pool.
It's got a tennis court.

Ah. Warm cookies
at turndown.

Hmm.

So we do the presentation,

and the whole weekend's
only 199 bucks?

Yes, that's how much it is
for each couple, so...

we both have to pay that.

Well, it sounds like
a lot of fun,

but, unfortunately,
I already have plans.

Oh, you're not going.

I know, because I have plans.

No, 'cause you're
not invited.

Uh, don't beg. I can't go.

What are your plans, she asked,
regretting it immediately.

Well, it's
sort of exciting.

I, uh-- I'm being
interviewed

for New York Style
magazine.

They're doing a special feature

on "The 40 Hottest Bachelors
Under 40."

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Ha-ha. I'm laughing
at both parts of that.

I'm 38.

At one time, yes.

All right, couples win.
I'm tapping out.

I mean, I could see
"The 40 Hottest Bachelors

Under 40 Inches."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I just said I'm out.
Late hit.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I don't get to
play golf enough.

They should put a course
in Central Park.

Did I tell you the other day
in the park I saw a chicken?

Where do you figure
that came from?

Audrey, are you listening
to anything I'm saying?

Well now, what's with
all the personal grooming?

Should I, uh...

push my tee time
back nine minutes?

Calm down, it's not
for you.

Maybe I'll wait to calm down
till you tell me who it's for.

It--

It's for Jennifer.

Well, this weekend just took
a very interesting turn.

Don't be a pervert.

Sorry. So, what's
the unhot explanation?

Okay, I know you're
gonna think this is silly,

but Jen and I are
going to the spa together,

and I wanna put
my best foot forward.

Well, the part
you were working on

was pretty far north
of your foot.

Jen and I have never been naked
in front of each other,

and I just wanna
look good.

You know.
First impressions.

All right.

Trust me. You got
nothing to worry about.

You got Jen beat
in the boob department, easy.

Honey, I know
you're trying--

Just say, "Thank you."

Thank you.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, come on.

Probably a message

from some dumb client

worried about his stupid money.

Oh, crap, our steaks
are coming.

What?
Yeah.

Our Steak of the Month
gets delivered today.

I set a reminder.
And yet, you forgot

my birthday
this year.

Your birthday isn't
perishable.

Why do we have to have
steaks shipped to us?

They have perfectly good ones
at the supermarket.

That's why you're
in charge of salad.

You know, I'm
gonna call Russell

have him drop by,
put the package in the fridge.

No. No, just--

Just have
the doorman do it.

I don't trust him.

I had a shipment of bacon
go missing recently.

He's my prime suspect.

I don't want Russell
sniffing around our apartment.

Come on, there's gotta be
someone else.

Like who?
I don't know.

Dial 212 and
seven random digits.

You will find someone.

All right.

What do you know?
I dialed Russell.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[GROANS]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[SIGHS, GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Russell Dunbar,
38 and loving it.

Can I help you?

Oh, hey, man,
what's up?

You have meat
delivered?

Yes. Both fresh and jerkied.

Dude, come on, I gotta go meet
this magazine reporter.

Uh, get the key from the super.
It'll take one minute.

[RUSSELL SIGHS]

All right. Uh,
I'm meeting her

at a restaurant
kind of by you,

so I guess I could trudge up
and deal with it.

Uh, but just so you know,

I don't want to,
and it's a total hassle.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

I'd do me.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh. Wow. This is
such a nice place.

Yeah, I-- I wish
they didn't allow kids.

I mean, that line at
the water slide was crazy long.

You know what I just realized?
Huh.

This is our first
couples vacation

since we got engaged.

Oh, yeah,
you're right.

It's gonna be
so great. Oh, God.

Drinking beers
with Jeff...

hitting the pool
with Jeff.

Hey, maybe we'll play
some Skee-Ball.

You do know that you and Jeff
aren't a couple, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know.
I know, honey.

But we barely get to
hang out like this, so...

I understand.
You know, I think

'cause you were
an only child,

you look at Jeff
like a big brother.

Oh, d-- Don't
make it gay.

All right. You have
your guy fun,

but save some time
for me.

Because there are
some things

I want us
to do together.

Oh, I can't wait.

What is it? Sex?

It's sex, isn't it?

Yeah. It's sex.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hi.
Hey.

ADAM:
Hey, guys.

Ready for
the spa?

Oh, she's ready
all right.

I don't know
what that meant.

Have fun, ladies.

Enjoy the relaxation.

All right.
Now the broads are gone,

what should
we do, huh?

Huh? Drinks in the bar?

Cigars in the lounge?

Marco Polo in the pool?

I'm playing golf.

Oh, I-- I don't
really like golf.

Then you shouldn't play.

Well, what happened to sharing
good times with friends?

Well, you can play
golf with me.

How about tennis?

What are we, 17-year-old
Russian girls?

You know, tennis is
manlier than golf.

Oh, please. A golf ball
could kill you.

A tennis ball couldn't.

It could if you
choked on it.

What are you doing with
a tennis ball in your mouth?

Touché.

Uh, here. I got
a putter for you.

Try not to choke on it.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.
Oh, hey.

How was your massage?

Oh, it was nice. Except
the guy played a weird CD.

It sounded like a whale
mating with Yanni.

Oh, yeah. I've
heard that CD.

It's just Yanni.

The water is perfect.
Come on in.
Uh.

[SIGHS]

Oh, this is nice.
Yeah.

Oh, you wanna get out
and hit the button?

It's right there behind you.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So then the guest grabs

what she thought
was an umbrella.

But it wasn't.

Or...

but it wasn't.

Which one do you
like better?

The second one.
Second one? Like this?

Yeah.
Yeah, me too. Me too.

Yeah.
Yeah, thanks. All right.

See you later, brother.
All right, you too.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Stupid.

Ah.

[SCOFFS]

Me Jeff. Me eat
big steaks.

Me die young.

Ah! God.

Oh, come on.

Oh, now I'm gonna
be late.

It serves me right
for breaking my rule:

Never help anybody ever.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]
Ah.

Eh.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So you were naked,
but she wasn't?

She looked like
she was dressed

to swim
the English Channel.

Unbelievable. And after
you went through

all that cleanup
and maintenance.

I know.

Oh, look. Just so that
won't be a total waste...

I could enjoy that later.

I mean, what? Does she not
feel comfortable with me?

I thought we were
better friends than that.

Seriously, could I
enjoy that later?

[CELL PHONE
RINGING]

[SIGHS]

Russell?

There isn't a problem
with the meat, is there?

RUSSELL [ON PHONE]:
No, the steaks are fine.

I've got
a different problem.

Do you have any clothes
from when you were like...

7?

No, why?

Well, I gotta meet
this reporter in 10 minutes.

Never mind,
you useless idiot.

I'll deal with it.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Yeah, so by
the fifth hole, I lost

all my balls
in the bushes.

Right? So I asked Jeff if
he could give me some more.

He says, "Wouldn't
it be quicker

if I tossed a couple
of twenties in the garbage?"

[CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry.

I-- I don't understand why
you guys didn't play tennis.

A tennis ball
can't kill you.

Hey, there he is:
Tiger Always-In-The-Woods.

[CHUCKLES]
Hey. Hey,
at least I got to see

two squirrels doing it,
squirrel-style.

Maybe tomorrow you should
just go to the spa.

It's so relaxing.
Right, Audrey?

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
I did not wanna

get out of that
hot tub.

All right, now, remember,
you don't respond to anything

that the sales
guy says.

You just let my stare
do the talking.

MAN:
Oh, Mr. Bingham.

We spoke
on the phone.

I'm so glad to see you took
advantage of our special offer.

What offer?

It's nothing.

Since he brought
another couple,

Mr. Bingham's weekend
is completely free.

What?
Oh, Jeff.

You didn't.

Guy is confused.

He's wearing
a nametag,

for God's sakes.

Wait, is that the only reason
you invited us?

To get a free weekend?

And you made us
pay for gas?

All right, look. You know
what might calm everyone down?

A nice, aggressive
sales presentation.

I don't think so.
Come on, Jen.

What's up with them?

They thought we invited them
as friends, Jeff.

They didn't realize
they were human coupons.

Oh, by the way, thank you
for my "very special" weekend.

Audrey.
MAN:
Oh, Mr. Bingham.

If none of you attend
the sales presentation,

you'll be charged
the full price of both rooms.

Great. And how much
is that...

Eric?

I'm afraid it'll
cost you $1200.

I'm afraid of that too.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Debra.

Hey. Russell.

Your number one bachelor
under 40.

It's nice to
meet you, Russell.

That's an...in--
Interesting outfit.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah,
it's very cutting edge.

In the next few months,
I think you'll see

a lot of dudes
rocking this look.
Oh.

Uh, I-- I don't think
that's a man's suit.

Oh, yes, it is.

Problem is you just haven't
seen it on these shores.

It's all the rage in,
like, Milan, Tokyo...

[CLEARS THROAT]

...Par--

Ah. I'm 42 anyway.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey.
Hey.

Tennis anyone?

Thought you were
at the presentation.

I'm skipping it.Wait,

isn't that gonna cost you
a pile of money?

This isn't about money.
It's about friendship.

Twelve-hundred bucks.

Well, thanks, man.
Forget it.

Now, go put your little
shorts on. Let's go play.

Hey, then we'll get
drinks at the bar?

Sure.

And smoke cigars
in the lounge?

Sounds good.

And do yoga on
the South Patio?

[STRAINED]
That's fine.

[CHUCKLES]

I was just messing
with you.

Ah, are we gonna hit
this fuzzy ball around or what?

Yeah. Yeah, but, uh, we gotta
make one stop first.

And when you invest
in a time-share,

you're not limited
to one location.

Our one-time membership fee
gives you access

to 15 other prime resorts
all over America,

including Hawaii.

That sounds too good
to pass up.

Stay strong.

MAN:
So instead of continuing to
throw money away on vacations,

you'll be purchasing
an asset

that increases
in value.

I-I can't afford
not to buy this.

Just shut up and stare.

MAN:
Enjoy pride of ownership
that you can pass on

to the next generation,
when you purchase a unit

or a phase three
offer.

Do you like cleaning up--?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey, Audrey.
Hey. Listen.
I just wanna make sure you know

I had no idea Jeff was getting
a deal for bringing you guys.

Oh, I know. Don't
worry about it.

And don't take it
personally.

I mean, Jeff still tries to use
his student ID at the movies.

Really?
[DOOR CLOSES]

Yeah. It does not go well.
[CHUCKLES]

Well, we still have
the rest of the weekend.

Hey, you wanna go
check out the pool?

Sure. Yeah.
Let's put our suits on.

Both of us or just you?

What?

Sorry, it's just...

you know, before,
at the hot tub,

I was naked
and you weren't,

and it just made me feel
a little weird.

Oh, my God. Is that why
you put your robe on

while you were
still in the tub?

Yeah. Yeah.

That thing is absorbent.

Well, I don't want you
to feel weird.

How can I make
this better?

You-- Don't--
Just forget it.

Seriously. I'll get over it.

Well, what if I take
my clothes off right now?

What? Why?

It'll even things out.
I'm happy to do it.
Oh, Jen,

you don't have to--Please.

I've stripped for a lot
dumber reasons than this.

Honey, this is
my problem. It's-- Well--

Wow. There you go.

Heh.

Oh.

Very special weekend
indeed.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Thanks again, you guys,
for inviting us.

Oh, we loved
having you.

And thanks for picking up
the tab for our weekend.

It would've been fun
even if it wasn't free.

But it was free.
Totally free.

You're gonna help me get out of
this time-share thing, right?

I'll see what I can do,
you rube.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey, just wanted to,
uh, return this.

Oh, why? Did one of
your dates wear this?

Uh, yeah, let's--

Let's say that.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]