Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 12 - Optimal Male - full transcript

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.
Hey.

Our mailman is the worst.

We got the electric bill
for that guy upstairs again.

The one who plays his stereo
too loud?
Yeah.

Well,

here's one way to turn it off.

Look, we also got a reminder.

Your, uh, life-insurance exam
is Monday.

You've been pretty pushy
about the life insurance.

If we're gonna start a family,
it's important.



If I die, are you gonna
get remarried?

Yeah, maybe.
All right, do me a favor.

Cremate me and throw my ashes
in his face.

You got it.

Mm.

Oh, there are three
weight categories:

overweight male, average male,
and optimal male,

and big surprise,
I am "optimal male."

How do you know?

I got on the scale this morning.

I weigh the same as I did
in college.

I should donate my body
to science when I die.

If I die.

You do know
that's the happy scale, right?



Happy scale. Is that,
uh, another Oprah thing?

No.

No, that's the scale
I set 10 pounds lighter.

The bitchy, accurate scale's
in the closet.

Well, then that means that I'm

just "average male."

It's no big deal.

Premiums are only
a few more bucks a month.

It's just less cash for me
after you're dead.

Uh, that's not the point.

I'm not gonna have it on file
that I'm average.

Especially when all I have to do
to be optimal

is lose 10 pounds
over the weekend.

You can't do that.

I can't?

I just did.

What?Yeah.

I did that all the time
back to make weight

when I-I wrestled
in high school.

I barely ate anything,

I'd exercise a ton,
and then after my match,

I'd gorge on a huge plate
of hotdogs,

and the next week, I'd do
the same thing all over again.

Well, I'm sure the damage
done to your system

was well worth those two
bronze medals in your closet.

Only one of those
is for wrestling.

What's the other one for?

Hotdog eating.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

Mm, I gotta say I'm with Jen
on this one.

It's 10:00 in the morning.

W-- And all I'm saying
is I'm an adult,

and I should be able
to buy myself

an ice-cream treat if I want to.

Adam?
Stacy?

Oh, wow.

Oh, Stacy, um, this is
my fiancée Jennifer,

and our friend Audrey.
BOTH: Hi.

I told you about Stacy.
We went out a couple years ago.

Oh, yeah.
You moved to L.A.

Yeah, I'm in town
for a job interview.

I would love to catch up.
Yeah, me too.

You wanna grab a coffee?

Well, I guess we're not really
doing anything.

So, what do you say?
You want to?

Oh. Um, no, you guys go.
Have fun.

But no ice cream.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow, you're really okay
with that?

Well, what can I do? If he buys
ice cream, he buys ice cream.

No, I meant with Adam hanging
out with an ex-girlfriend.

A very pretty,
blond ex-girlfriend.

They're just going to get
coffee.

I'm totally cool with it.

Well, good for you.

Now, if Stacy were wearing
a waffle cone,

then I would be concerned.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So I gotta lose 10 pounds
by Monday.

Ah.

Have you thought about
just shaving your hands?

It's a good idea.

Then I can give you the hair
so you can have a real beard.

[CHORTLES]
What's all this?

It's information for a benefit
I'm co-hosting tonight.

It's an amazing charity that
does a lot of blah, blah, blah--

Hot woman I'm trying to nail.

You really work hard for it,
don't you?

Ah, it's not work
when you love what you do.

Hey.
Hey.
Hey.

Where's Adam?

Ah, well, we ran into one of his
exes and they took off together.

That kid is a special kind
of stupid.

[CHUCKLES]

What is all this?

Russell's faking interest
in a charity

so he can have sex
with some woman.

First Russell fakes it,

and then she'll be faking it.

Ha-ha.

Everybody wins.

The Gentle Embrace Society?

I've heard they have
really great events.

Oh, my God, she wants to go.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's adorable.

I'm sorry, I just don't think

you're New York
"society material."

Oh, this should be good.

And why is that?

Well, I don't know,
you're from, like,

[WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Nebraska. Heh-heh.

So?

So, heh, I think it's held
in a ballroom,

not a grain silo.

Oh.
She's from Lincoln.

It's a major city.

Oh, right. Yee-haw!
Lincoln. Yeah, um...

Okay, sure. I got it all wrong.
Well, you know, I tell you what,

if they add calf-ropin'
to the program,

I'll give you a call.
Whoopee!

"Shoom!" Over.

[IMITATES ROPE WHOOSHING]

Time.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey.
Hey.

How was coffee with Stacy?

It was great. We caught up,
talked about old times.

That sounds nice.
Mm. It was.

Mm. Hey, it's cool if she stays
here this weekend, right?

You said yes?

Why?

The hotel lost her reservation

and I couldn't find her
another room.

I felt like I couldn't say no.

Oh, sweetie, you're gonna
be married soon.

"No" has to become your friend.

You know,
coffee was one thing,

but sleeping on our couch
is just weird.

Yes, it is.
Does he not get that?

No. He was raised by hippies,

he doesn't understand
boundaries.

He'll talk to any stranger.

Really?
Yeah.

Guys hate using the urinal
next to him.

Well, tell him how you feel.

You're right.
I'll talk to him.

I'm sorry to take up your time.

You clearly have your own stuff
going on.

I-is that outfit meant
to scare off the company, or...?

These are my weigh-in clothes.
Nice and light.

All right, showtime.

I have lost...

Yeah!

Zero pounds.

[CHUCKLES]

Honey, nobody cares
if you're an average male.

This is not about checking off
some box on an insurance form.

This is about me being the best
I can be.

You are not on your way.

Well, I gotta step up
the program.

The rest of the weekend,

all cardio, no food.

That is stupid
and unhealthy.

Challenge accepted.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

You're so funny, Russell.

I'm so happy you got involved
with the Gentle Embrace Society.

Oh, listen, I knew I had to

from the moment I saw
your picture on page six

and carefully read
the surrounding words.

Well, I'm, uh, just doing
the final guest list.

So I just need the names
of the people at your table.

At my table?

[CHUCKLES]

The table you sponsored
to get on the board.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I-I d-- I don't
have that list quite yet.

Um, you know, so many people
are out of town.

And it's still ballooning season
in Provence,

heh-heh-heh,
as you know.

Wha--? How many people was that
again I needed?

Eight.
Eight.

Great. Excellent.

Even better. Um...

Now I won't have to snub
the count and countess of, uh,

Chocula.
Excuse me.

Hey.

Hey, honey.

Stacy here?
Mm.

Yeah, she's in the shower.

Oh, good, I was worried
she wouldn't be naked.

Hey, I thought the three of us
could go out and grab a beer.

The three of us?
Yeah.

Look, Adam, I was talking
to Audrey today and--

[PHONE RINGS]

Hold on.

Hello.
RUSSELL [ON PHONE]: Hey, Jen,

it's Russell.

Listen, I have to fill a table

at this stupid benefit
I'm doing tonight.

So I need you and that
Backstreet Boy you're engaged to

to get on down here.

Yeah, okay,
Adam and I will come.

The two of us will be there.
Okay, great.

Now I just gotta find
some other losers

that have nothing to do
on a Saturday night.

What is the strategy
of insulting us

when we're doing you a favor?

I don't know, but it worked.

Uh, Russell needs to fill
a bunch of seats for his benefit

so he invited us to come.
Isn't that great?

Yeah, yeah, cool.

Hi, Jen.
Hey.
Hey, Stace,

wanna go to a fancy benefit
tonight?

Sure, I'd love to.
All right.

Really?

What?

Why did you invite Stacy?

Well, you said that Russell
needed people to fill the table.

Is there a problem?

I was fine when you went
to coffee,

and less fine with her
being here,

but coming on our date with us
tonight?

Honey, I think
you're overreacting here.

What's wrong with helping out
a friend?

She's not just a friend.
She's your ex-girlfriend.

I can't help it if I'm friends
with my exes.

I mean, I'd be cool
if you were friends with yours.

You'd be fine if I invited
one of my exes to the benefit?

Sure, if that's what you wanted
to do.

Adam, sorry,
I think I blew a fuse.

Oh, no, you just have to push
the little red reset button.

Here, I'll do it.

You're so handy.

[IMITATES STACY]
You're so handy.

He's pushing a button, blondie.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So you can't come for sure?

It's gonna be fun.

All right.
Thanks, Isabella.

And by the way, tomorrow,
you don't have to mop the floor.

Just do the laundry.
Okay.

Thanks, bye.

[SIGHS]

I can't believe
it's come to this.

[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?
RUSSELL: Hey, Audrey,

it's Russell.

Listen, I was remembering

how much you wanted to go
to that great event tonight,

so I pulled a few strings
and I got you and Jeff in.

Hey, why the change of heart?

I thought you were worried
I wouldn't know how

[WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT]
to comport myself at a city-folk
gathering.

Ha-ha-ha. No.

Listen, I think you might add a
touch of glamour to the whole--

[SIGHS]

I can't even sell this.

Listen, I need some warm bodies
to fill-up my table.

In or out?

Depends.

Say "Lincoln is a major city."

Lincoln's a major city.

Say, "It's the Manhattan
of the Midwest."

It's the Manhattan
of the Midwest.

Say, "It's the Paris
of the prairie."

Come on, even you
don't believe that.

All right, we'll be there.

Hey.

How's the hunger strike going?

It's getting weird.

I'm this close to craving fruit.

Locking myself in the bedroom
Must avoid temptation.

Ah, sorry. Russell called,

invited us to the benefit dinner
and I really wanna go.

I can't do that.

Optimal male could.

Well played.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Wow. Don't tell Russell
I said this,

but we are not fancy enough
to be here.

Speak for yourself.

[SNIFFS]

Thank you.

Uh, Stacy, this is Jeff,
and you remember Audrey.

Hi.
Hi, Stacy.

Hi, nice to see you again.

Jen, come here, I want to show
you something.

Okay.

What is it?

Look, there's your fiancé's
ex-girlfriend

with your fiancé.

I know. I tried to tell Adam how
I felt, but he didn't get it.

What are you gonna do?

Well, Adam said he'd be fine
if I invited one of my exes,

so I called his bluff
and invited one.

[CHUCKLES]

I thought all your relationships
end badly.

How did you get someone to come?

Well, I made a bunch
of phone calls,

and evidently,
I have a lot of nerve.

And then I reached Drake.

Drake? The incredibly handsome
douche?

Mm-hm.

Yeah.

And I gotta say,
talking to all my exes

made me realize how happy I am
I stopped drinking tequila.

Hey, listen,

my high-society broad
is on her way over,

so act classy.

Jeez.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Clarissa, hi.

I'd like you to meet my dear,
dear friends.

This is Jeffrey, Audrey,

Jennifer, Adam,

and Z--
Stacy.

Nn. Anastasia.
Heh-heh.

Oh.

We all have neighboring slips
at the marina on the vineyard.

Russell,
I have to see you later.

Mm, and I you.

Excuse me.

[ALL CHORTLING]

She is way out of your league.
No.

Absolutely.
Totally.

I haven't even met you
and I agree.

Can it, Anastasia.

All right, listen.
All you guys have to do

is play along
and don't embarrass me.

Mm. Yeah, it would be a shame
if she found out

you know nothing
about her charity

and the only reason you're here
is to get in her pants.

Oh, you wouldn't.

Oh, sure you would.

The entrée this evening:

Kobe beef fillet.

ADAM:
Ooh.

There's a special place
in hell for you.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Jennifer,
there you are.

Hi, Drake.
Thanks for coming.

I was totally psyched
that you called.

I always knew you'd come back
to the old Drakester.

Mm.

I'm just using you.

That's cool too.

Hey, honey.
Oh, Adam.

I want you to meet Drake,
my ex-boyfriend.

Hey.
Hey.

Like you said,

Russell needed
to fill his table

so I thought what better time
to invite my former lover.

Okay.

Anyway, I'm gonna go
get a drink.

You boys have fun.

So, what are you,
like, 6'2"?

6'4".
Oh.

Me too.

Oh.

I see you came to your senses
and finally ate something.

I didn't eat it.

What do you mean?

Check your purse.

Hey, Jen, uh,

what's up with, uh, GQ
and low-IQ over there?

That's my ex, Drake.

I thought it'd be good
for Adam to meet him.

Oh, yeah?

You know, I didn't know Adam
swung that way,

but I gotta tell you,
it doesn't really surprise me.

How's it going with Clarissa?

It's all right.
I'm gonna go find her

and suggest that since
I helped her with her cause,

it's only fair that she help me
with mine.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God, what's she doing
talking to Cathy Cornhusker?

How was that bite?

The ice cream cold,
and the sauce hot.

I guess so.

Don't guess, tell me.

I'm sorry, I should go.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, hi.
Oh.

So, what were you and Audrey
talking about?

She told me about her husband.

Oh, they're lovely people.

And she talked about her work
at the magazine.

That's a fascinating job.

And I asked her about you.

She's a filthy liar.

[LAUGHS]

No, she said some very nice
things about you.

Audrey did?
Yes.

And she told me how passionate
you are about our cause.

Which I am.
In fact,

when I told her
I was a little nervous

about giving my speech tonight,

she suggested that you get up
and say a few words.

Did she, now?

Oh. Heh, okay.

Hey.
Hey.

How's Operation Drake going?
It's underway.

I just hope it doesn't go
too well.

I don't want them to get into
a fight or anything.

Yeah, I don't think
that's gonna happen.

Unbelievable.
I mean, doesn't he know

he's supposed to be annoyed
and uncomfortable?

I mean, I had sex with that guy.

Mm. It looks like you and Adam

might have that in common
pretty soon.

Uh, t--
What do you want me to say?

Just talk about what
our organization does,

our accomplishments, our goals,
and where we're headed.

Okay, I-I could say that,
or I could tell a funny story

about something that happened
to me at camp.

[CHUCKLES]

I know you'll do us proud.

Eh...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen,

right now, I'd like to introduce
you to our newest board member,

Russell Dunbar.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Clarissa.

I first got involved in
the Gentle Embrace Society

because I was very concerned
about

the...environment.

For children...

and their animals.

I actually feel bad
for him.

I think I need to tell him
the benefit's for literacy.

[MOUTHS]
Literacy.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[MOUTHS]
Oh. Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, but all kidding aside,

I'm really here to tell you

about our concern
in this society

for a really bad problem
we have,

and that is leprosy.

I know, I know.

It's disgusting.
Something has to be done.

These gross people--

What?

What are you doing up here?

This is a charity that helps
people who can't read.

Lepers can't read?

My God,
they can't catch a break.

Literacy.

Oh, literacy.

Oh, my God, we are gonna laugh
about this at your place later.

Oh--

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Adam,
have you seen Jeff?

Oh, yeah,
a few minutes ago.

He asked me some very
uncomfortable questions

about the ice cream
I was eating,

and then he left.

Thank you.
Mm-hm.

Hey, kid,
where'd you get that hotdog?

Uh, the Rubenstein bar mitzvah
has a hotdog cart.

Oh, no.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Don't eat that hotdog.

Audrey.

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but you've come too far
to give in now.

I thought you said my diet
was stupid.

Well, actually, I'm kind of
in awe of your willpower.

Really?
Yeah,

it's very
"optimal male" of you.

Well, thank you.

And thanks for stopping me.
I won't eat this.

Good.

Just one question.
What?

What do we do
about the seven I already ate?

Let's get you out of here.

Hey. There you are.

Hey.

Why aren't you
with your buddy Drake?

I thought you two

would be snapping towels
at each other by now.

Heh. No, actually,
I ditched him at the bar.

Ditched him?
Yeah.

Drake's, uh,
kind of a douche.

[SCOFFS]

Then why were you palling around
with him?

Well, I was trying to be polite.
I mean, he's your friend.

And I'm sorry,
but I gotta say

that I feel uncomfortable
around him

and having him around you.
It's weird.

I-- I feel kind of...

Jealous?

Is that what this is?

Are you telling me
you've never been jealous?

No, no. Never with any other
girlfriend.

But with you, for some reason,
I am.

Maybe you're special
or something.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Hey, should I tell Stacy

she has to find somewhere else
to stay?

That might not be a problem.

I totally agree
with what you said up there.

Leprosy is disgusting.

Yes.

All I know is
if it wasn't for leprosy,

I would never have met you.

So to leprosy?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Yeah, I blew it.

Never gonna make weight
by Monday.

Aw. You're still
my optimal male.

I'm gonna go get ready
for bed.
Okay.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]