Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 1 - Flirting with Disaster - full transcript

[SNORING]

Jeff, roll over.

Roll over.
Mm, good doggy.

Good doggy.
No--

Pfft!

[SNORING]

[SNORING DEEPER]

[SNORING LOUDER]

[SNORING IN SPURTS]

[GASPS]

What the hell?



Well, you were snoring again,

louder than ever.

I don't hear anything.

Because you're awake,

like I've been all night.

Tell you what, I'll let you
go back to sleep first.

Thank you.

Are you still awake?

Yes.

You wanna do it?

Ah!

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪



♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So have you made up your mind?

Uh, yes, I have.

You are
the prettiest waitress here.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hi, I'm Russell. I'm kind
of like Fonzie around here.

Fonzie was gay?

Ha-ha! I'm kidding.

It's nice to meet you, Russell.

I'm Amy.
All right.

Well, that's a nice perfume.
What is it?

It's French fries
and sloppy joes.

[CHUCKLES]

That's hot. I wouldn't mind
taking that to go.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Ah. What's goin' on?

Ah, nice timing, El Blocko.

Hey, uh,

Adam, this is Amy.

Nice to meet you,

and I apologize for anything
Russell has said to you so far.

No, he's been sweet.

Yes, we've been sweet.

So, what can I get you?

Uh, I'll have a slice of key
lime pie and a coffee, please.

Okay.
I'm thinking about get--

Oh, my God,
I wish I had your dimples.

Well, I'd give them to you,
but they're a family heirloom.

I got them
from my grandfather.
Heh.

I got my moustache
from my grandmother.

You keep your dimples,
I'll get your coffee.

Wait, I didn't even order...

What are you doing?
What?

I had something going with her

and you come in
and stomp on my game?

I was just talkin' to her, man.

I can't help it
if my barely trying

beats you workin' it
like a rodeo clown.

Dude, I wasn't
even trying either.

Until now.

You might want to step back.

Those of you
in the first few rows

may get wet,
if you know what I mean.

I don't.

What are you, like a dolphin
or a whale or something?

Hey, don't worry about it.

Just know you're dealing
with the Flirtmaster General.

Okay, yeah, we'll see.

All right,
there you go.

Ahem. Amy.

So, uh, I'm thinking about
getting some pie myself.

What's your favorite?

Oh, feel free
to lie to him.

He likes that in a woman.

AMY:
Oh, really?

And what do you like
in a woman?

Well, anyone who
brings me coffee and pie

is pretty much
at the top of my list.

Ha. Well, I'd better
go get that pie, then.

All right.

I didn't even order...

I'm good.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

God, just let it go, man.

You're like
that little cartoon dog

that's always yapping
at the big cartoon dog.

Don't compare yourself
to the big cartoon dog,

you're nothing like him.

This used to happen
all the time,

it's the best thing
about you getting engaged.

What was the best thing
about us getting engaged?

That you took Dimples here
off the market,

leaving more inventory
for me.

Really?
That was the best thing?

Honey, of course not.

The best thing
about you getting engaged

is the fact
that you two found

some beautiful love
that you could share--

[IMITATES GUNSHOT]

All right,
just ignore him, all right?

He's upset because at the diner

he was hitting
on the new waitress

and I came in
and totally out-flirted him.

[LAUGHS]

That was smart.

Why were you flirting
with the waitress?

I wasn't--
I wasn't being serious.

I was messing around
with Russell.

Well, couldn't you just
do that by putting

something he really wants
on a high shelf?

I've done that enough.

And then, you know,
you told her you were engaged...

Uh...
You know what?

I don't think you did.

Well, that's weird.

Did you not want her to know
that you're engaged?

Yeah, did you not?

No. No, I mean,
it just didn't come up.

You might need this:

[IMITATES GUN COCKING]

Stop it.
RUSSELL: Listen,

I'm just saying,
if I was engaged,

I'd be singin' it
from the rooftops,

because I'd be happy about it.

I don't know,
this isn't my business.

Look, I know you were
just messing around,

but the waitress
doesn't know that.

I mean, she might have
gotten the wrong idea.

Yeah, the wrong idea being

there's an alternative
to sleeping with me.

Okay, just because
she finds out that Adam's taken

doesn't mean
she has to sleep with you.

It kinda does.

I'll introduce you as my
fiancée and she'll back off.

Yeah, she'll back off you
and back onto me.

[MAKES BEEPING SOUND]

And park.

Seriously, just because
she finds out Adam--

It kinda does.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Just once, can I come home

and catch you looking at porn
like a normal guy?

The Italian loafers I got
a couple of weeks ago.

I'm enjoying the smell

while it's still
more leather than foot.

You want a whiff?

I've been married to you
for 12 years,

my sense of smell is shot.

What's with the 'tude?

It's not 'tude,
I'm exhausted.

I'm getting ready for this
huge presentation at work

and today I almost dozed off
in the middle of a meeting.

See, I told you
your job was boring.

I'm exhausted because
of your snoring.

By the way,
it's getting worse.

You know a guy at work
cured his snoring

with a simple surgery.

Oh, his wife
got a boob job?

No, he got a surgery
on his nose and his uvula.

Pretty sure
that's a girl part.

It's not a girl part,

but that explains
a lot of clumsy groping.

I don't need surgery.

I'll just go back to wearing
those nose strips.

Those don't work,
and you spend all night

telling me how you look like
you're in the NFL.

Like a white Jerry Rice.

Jerry White rice.

Look, it's a simple procedure.

It starts, it finishes,
it's over before you know it.

And yes, I know there's a joke
about our sex life in there.

I'm proud of you
for catching that,

but, uh, I'm swamped
at work right now,

and I can't take time off
for surgery.

Well, my presentation
is tomorrow

and tonight I have to get
a good night's sleep.

All right, well, don't take this
the wrong way or overreact.

How about tonight I sleep
in the guest room?

Done. Beautiful.

Just mull it over
for a minute.

Just for tonight. We'll deal
with your snoring after that.

All right, look, you relax,
because I'm gonna go

get us some takeout
for dinner.

All right?

It's your last chance.

This may be the walk that pushes
these bad boys over the edge.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[ACTION MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV]

Hm.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Jeff, it's almost 7:30.
You better get up.

Jeff!
What?

JEFF:
Morning.

Oh, it's amazing how great
a good night's sleep feels.

I actually got up
early this morning

and I went to the gym.

Wow,

look at you.

What's on your face?

It's a Cheez Doodle.

I had a good night too.

I caught a Steven Seagal
marathon on TV.

He cannot act.

Did you get
any sleep last night?

I think so.
I dozed off

during a movie
where Seagal was skinny,

and I woke up during one
where he was fat.

Fat or thin,
that man cannot act.

Okay, wish me luck
on my presentation.

You don't need luck,

you're a rock-solid gal
with top notch ideas.

Oh, that's--

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Which one is she?

Is she pretty?
Oh, yeah, she's really hot.

Well, what do you
want me to say?

You could've said,
"not as pretty as you."

Oh, of course she's not
as pretty as--

Whoa, there she is.

Hey, Adam,
it's great to see you back.

Hi, Amy,
this is my fiancée Jennifer.

Oh, I-I didn't know
you were engaged.

Oh, well,
how could you?

You're not psychic.

It's very nice to meet you.
Oh, you too.

Why don't you guys
take that booth

and I'll be right with you.

Okay, thanks.

See? Now she knows
and everything's fine.

Order me a coffee,
I'll be right back.

Your fiancée's pretty.

Hey, thanks.

Ha-ha.
So what can I get you?

Uh, a slice of key lime.

Again?

Why have the same thing
every day?

Why don't you try something new?

Hm. Something new?

I'll give you
anything you want,

extra whipped cream
is on me.

Um, no.

No, I'm-- I'm happy
with the key lime.

Sure I can't tempt you
with something new?

[WHISPERS]
The key lime
will never find out.

[WHISPERS]
But I'll know.

All right.

But if you change your mind,
you let me know.

Okay.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

God, I'm glad
that presentation's over.

I'm really glad
it went so well.

Never had a doubt.

Ew.

See, that's why
they make the top explode,

so you can't put
the cork back in and return it.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I, uh, got the name
of that doctor

who cured
my friend's snoring.

What do you mean?
You said that you'd deal

with my snoring,
as in you'd adjust.

No, I said
we'd deal with it,

as in, we'd call the doctor
and schedule the surgery.

Come on, babe,
it's not just for me.

When you snore it means

you're getting
a lot less oxygen.

Less oxygen in,
less carbon dioxide out.

I'm helping the environment.

Come on.

Look, you're not talking me
into getting a nose job.

Now, there are other jobs
that you could offer

that I would be willing
to entertain.

Come on, I can't go
back to your snoring.

Bingham men don't get surgery
unless it's life-threatening.

My grandfather
needed hip replacement.

Did he get it? No.

He never walked again.

But he rolled with pride.

If I have to go back
to getting no sleep,

I am gonna go crazy.
Look, I wouldn't ask you

to get surgery
to change yourself.

Remember when you were thinking
about getting a boob reduction?

I said no.

Okay, fine.
If that's how you feel,

why don't you just, uh,
keep sleeping in the guest room?

You think that's punishment?

Confining me to Club Jeff?

Where tonight,
all Jeff's drink for free.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

"In case you changed your mind,

"just thought you might
want to try my cherry...

...pie."

Oh, crap.
[LOCK TURNING]

Hey, thought I heard
you out here.
Yeah.

I'm starving,
let's go to the diner.

The diner?

Or we could just stay home
a-and you can cook.

Cook?
Huh?

I made popcorn last night.
Come on.

Oh, what's that?
That?

Th-that...

[CHUCKLES]

That's the reason
I don't wanna go to the diner.

I bought us a whole pie.

You want to have pie
for dinner?

Uh-huh.

It has never been more clear

that we belong together.

Ha-ha. Yeah.
Cherry?

Is that supposed
to mean something?

I think so.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Isn't this great?
I got the mini-fridge,

I got the tunes.

Who wants ramen?
Ramen? Ramen?

Two ramens?
Uh, no, I'm good.

Yeah, I don't want to put
you out the 8 cents.

Well, suit yourself.

What album do you guys
wanna jam to?

Huey Lewis, Sports
or J. Geils,

Blow Your Face Out (Live)?
[CHUCKLES]

Why don't you pick the album,
Gramps?

It's your Victrola.

So did you introduce Jen
to my waitress?

Yes, I did.
She's still really into me.

Ooh.
Last night she left

a note attached
to a cherry pie.

Oh, whoa, cherry.

Clearly the sluttiest member
of the pie family.

I shouldn't have gone there
after working out,

glistening with sweat,
dimples blazing.

Uh-huh.

Yeah!

This is the Cadillac
of live albums.

Here we go.

SINGER [ON STEREO]:
We are gonna blow

your face out!

[DRUMS POUNDING ON STEREO]

Awesome.

So listen, uh, I think
you should really talk to Amy

about this whole thing
and straighten it out.

Makes sense.
Definitely not right after

I've been at the gym.

Oh yeah,
because you work out,

I got that part.

Guys, check out this beanbag
I found in the alley.

Can you believe somebody
threw that out?

Well, that's great,
but what are all those

homeless cats
gonna pee on now?

I'm thinking
about lofting the bed.

That way all of this
becomes party space.

Oh, awesome solo.

[ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Excuse me,

men of Delta Chi.

Listen, it's, uh, getting late
and I'm really tired

so can you keep it quiet?

Yeah, sure thing, Mom!

[LAUGHS]

Why don't you just grow up
and get the damn surgery, huh?

Oh, looks like somebody
wants me back in bed.

Okay, fine, you just stay here
and sleep in your own filth,

and I'll go enjoy
our nice big, garbage-free bed

all by myself.

Look at that.
She's on the verge of cracking.

Soon she'll give in,
she'll beg me to come back.

And then I'll be
the winner.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right, my man,
there she is.

Let her down easy.
Okay.

Hey, thanks for the support.

It's all right, brother.
I got your back.

Dude, you been workin' out?

Yeah, I've been
at the gym like f--

Shut up, just go.

Uh, Amy.

Oh, hey, Adam,
I'll be right with you.

Actually, I'm not here to eat.
I-I need to talk to you.

Oh, okay.
Sorry.

Um, look, I'm flattered
that you're so,

you know,
into me and all,

but I'm happily engaged.

What?

It's perfectly understandable.

I mean, I led you on
with my dimples

and the sexy sweatiness and--

And what are you talking about?

You know, the flirting?

"Try something new."

I flirt with all my customers,

because I work for tips.

[CHUCKLES]

What about the cherry pie
you sent to my house...?

W-With the note?

I have no idea what
you are talking about.

But, uh, Fonzie over there

bought a cherry pie yesterday.

"I'm so hot.
Look at my sweaty dimples."

Dude,
you've been Russelled.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, goodbye.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[SNORING]

Jeff?

Jeff!
What?

Are you all right?

Fine.
Yeah? It's 8:30.

I was waiting at the restaurant

for you for over an hour.

Oh, sorry.

Did you get me
something to go?

No.

How late were the guys
here last night?

They left around midnight,

but I kept on rockin' out
till almost 3.

Ow.

Damn air-guitar shoulder.

Gotta remember on
"Won't Get Fooled Again,"

you gotta build up
to the windmills.

You have got stains
on your shirt,

you haven't shaved today,

and that guest room smells
like someone died in there.

Well, my shoes finally turned.

Hard.
I don't understand

why you're doin' this.
What?

Reverting back to John Q.
Jackass, college idiot.

Just get the damn surgery
and come back to our bed.

I don't want the surgery!

There's no reason not to do it.

Yes, there is.
What's the reason?

Organ donor forms.
"Do not resuscitate."

No, thank you.

What?

They put you under anesthesia.

What if I don't wake up?

Honey, are you scared?

I'm not scared, you are.

Honey, those forms
are just legal things,

the surgery
is completely safe.

But if this is how you feel,

I won't push it anymore,
all right?

I just want you
to come back to our bed.

What about my snoring?

Well, I'd rather
be next to you

not sleeping
than sleep alone.

Come on, I miss
my big, furry body pillow.

Okay, I'll get the surgery.

Yeah?
Mm-hm.

Thank you.
I really appreciate it.

If I fall into a coma, I want
you to give me the sponge baths.

Not some fat old nurse.

Or some man-nurse.

Ha. Okay, I will.

And talk to me,
because they say

people in comas
can still hear stuff.

You got it.

But no boring work crap.

Just-- You read me
the sports scores.

But no soccer,
just real sports.

Okay, all right.

We'll go talk
to the doctor tomorrow.

I'm just glad tonight we're
gonna be sleeping together.

[SNORING]

[ACTION MUSIC
PLAYING ON TV]

The man really cannot act.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Audrey, check this out.

Watch when Jeff sits
in this beanbag chair.

It's really funny,

because he's so big,
and it's tiny.

Sit right there and look
and it'll be really funny.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Jeff, uh,
sit in it.

Show her how funny it is.

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You're right.

That was funny.

[LAUGHS]

I've been Russelled.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]