Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 2 - Audrey's Sister - full transcript
With Audrey's sister, Barbara, having problems in her marriage, the only thing she doesn't need is a man who would trick her to try and get her to sleep with him. But, sadly, in Audrey's life there is a man just like this. During this episode, Russell will try everything to get a one night stand with Audrey's sister.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey.
Oh, my God. What happened?
I was hungry.
I meant to my life.
What are you eating?
It's, uh,
last night's spaghetti,
some random nuts.
[DOOR OPENS]
You were so embarrassed
you didn't want your pants
to see?
Five o'clock today
begins Jeff's mini vacation.
I'm Jeff.
We've met, but Barb's gonna
be here any minute,
so, uh, would you put on
some pants?
You know, I can't believe
that your sister
chose the week I took days off
to make a surprise visit.
I like Barb,
but having someone around
is gonna cramp my style.
Okay, first of all...
style?
And I hardly get to see her
at all.
This is the first time
I get her all to myself.
Why isn't Rick coming?
Kenny G concert?
Rick is a great guy, all right?
He's like my family.
I practically grew up with him.
Plus, he and Barb have, like--
BOTH:
The perfect marriage.
Well, they do.
We could learn a little
something from them, you know.
Yeah, I don't wanna learn
anything from a guy
who dry-cleans his jeans.
They have Saturday date night.
They power walk together.
They even garden.
You know what? You're right.
We should be more like them.
This Saturday night,
let's power walk to the bedroom
and plant some corn.
Just put on some pants.
All right, fine.
Oh, guess what I found
in the closet?
The closet?
That's not my DVD. That--
Uh, Adam put that there.
No,
this picture of me and Barb
when we were kids.
Cute, huh?
Who's the little boy?
That's me.
I had a pixie cut.
They were very popular.
I'm guessing you weren't.
Heh.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[BOTH SQUEAL]
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Oh.
You look great.
Oh, California living.
Oh, you-- Look at you.
You look good too.
Oh, New York stress
and anxiety.
Oh.
Come on in.
How's Rick?
How's the new house?
Rick's good.
House is good.
Got a koi pond.
JEFF: Okay,
I think I've come up with
a compromise.
The old Speedo.
Hello, Barbara.
Hey, Jeff. Let's not hug.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you"? ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I'm just saying
that once she tells you
that she hates her father,
you're in.
I don't hate my father,
and Adam was still in.
Yeah, but he's in,
as in "trapped."
I'm talkin' in, like,
"Hey, where'd that guy
I just had sex with go?"
Move over.
Hey, Bigfoot.
The one day
I forget my camera.
How would you like my big foot
to smash you like a bug?
[CHUCKLES]
I'm good.
All right, well, I'm gonna
let you little rascals
start your meeting
of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
I'll see you later,
Spanky.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, you caught me one time.
Now I'm Spanky?
Spanky's a character
on The Little Rascals.
ADAM:
Oh.
Heh. She-- She never caught me.
Audrey's sister
is really throwing a wrench
in my days off.
You wanna spend them
with Audrey?
What?
Is Audrey standing behind me
right now?
No.
Don't be stupid.
I wanted to spend
my time off alone.
Oh, I-I haven't had alone time
since I moved in with Jen.
Ha-ha. You sure
about that, Spanky?
I just meant that Jen and I
are always together.
You know, sometimes
I just wanna zone out
and not have anybody
talking to me.
They do love talking.
Yeah, may be nice
to watch Jeopardy
without her shouting out
the answers before I do.
You don't know
the answers.
I-I-I know some.
A lot during Celebrity Week.
Anyway, I love Jen,
but I just need some alone time,
you know?
Yeah, when I walk into our place
and Audrey's not there...
[SIGHS]
...so good.
Oh, that sounds great.
That's why I love
not being in a relationship:
I'm always alone.
JEFF:
Well, see, alone time
is only valuable
as a contrast to a relationship.
Sometimes there's nothing better
than not being with your wife.
Mm. Or your fiancée.
Yeah, it was great
not being with Audrey
when we were engaged,
but it's even better
when you're married.
Mm-mm. I can't wait to not be
with Jen when we're married.
And even when
she's not there,
lock the door, Spanky.
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Audrey,
I wanna record something,
but it says it's supposed to
record a ball game.
Oh, that's Jeff's.
You can change it.
The season's almost over.
That game
can't be that important.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hey, honey.
Oh, it was good.
A little turbulence.
The barbecue tongs?
I don't know where they are.
Just use salad tongs.
Tongs are tongs, Rick.
Look, I-I'm just checking into
the hotel here,
so let's talk later, okay?
Okay, bye.
The hotel?
Yeah, um, he thinks I'm on
a business trip in Boston.
W--?
I'm--
I'm here because, um,
Rick and I are having problems.
Is it just the tongs? 'Cause
you guys can work that out. Heh.
No, that's not it.
I-I've caught Jeff using
the spatula as a backscratcher.
While flipping burgers.
Audrey,
it's bigger than that.
I mean, everything with Rick
has become about image
and looking good.
I mean, I'm sick of it.
No, it's just a rough patch.
Come on. You guys
were high-school sweethearts.
You know, maybe that's it.
Maybe I never sowed
my wild oats.
I mean, maybe I should've dated
a thousand guys.
Like you.
If I'd had a guy like Rick,
I wouldn't have had to date
a thousand guys.
You know, maybe I just need to
get something out of my system.
Like having meaningless sex
with a sleazy video-store clerk.
He wasn't a clerk.
He was night manager.
Oh.
Oh, I know, I--
I just need to cut loose.
Ah, your doorman
looked kinda wild.
You think he's available?
The doorman? Manny? Stop it.
You and Rick
are great together.
I don't know anymore.
Look, just trust me. Come on.
This is just a little phase.
Oh, never mind.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
All right.
Close the curtain.
There's a pervert across the way
with a telescope.
He's married.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Jeff 1, urinal cake nothing.
You washed your hands, right?
It said "employees must."
[GROANS]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Go for Jeff Bingham.
Hey, Audrey. Diner.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay.
Wow. So that's what married
phone sex sounds like?
Audrey's on her way down,
so maybe you should go.
Why does she think
I'm such a dirtbag?
What do you tell her about me?
The truth.
Well, that only makes me look
like a jackass.
She just dropped a bomb.
Barb and Rick
are on the rocks, so...
Ooh la la.
Audrey's hot sister
might be avail?
Mmm. Might be time to throw
a shrimp on the Barbie.
You just called yourself
a shrimp.
Ha-ha. I don't care,
as long as it's on the Barbie.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey.
Oh, hey, hon.
Hey.
Sorry about Barb.
Listen, you know, I always
liked her. She's really--
No way. Never.
She's nothing to you.
No, I'm just saying--
No, you weren't.
But I--
AUDREY: No.
Besides being married, Barb
is a mature, intelligent woman.
And?
And you're a horny
little Chucky doll.
You know, I'm not as bad a guy
as you think I am.
I have feelings.
In your pants.
Dude.
Look. Ahem. I'm sure
I'm about the gazillionth
person to say this to you,
but, uh, stay away
from my sister.
Okay?
Isn't there some
girls with low self-esteem
convention
you should be lurking around?
Uh...
Well, there is that bakery
next to the weight-loss center.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, Jen.
Jen?
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
MAN [ON TV]:
"Name That Poet,"
"Stamps" and, finally,
"Letter Perfect."
All right, it's Teen Week.
I'm gonna kick some ass.
MAN:
"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?"
Oh, uh, who is
William Shakespeare?
I know, I can't believe
they voted him off.
He was the best one.
Hey, hon.
Hey.
Okay, Kiki.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
What you watchin'?
Nothing.
Oh, Jeopardy. Great.
MAN:
"This markswoman was featured
in the Legends of the West
series from 1994."
Oh, who is--?
Annie Oakley.
[YELLS]
MAN 2: Who is Annie Oakley?
MAN 1: Correct.
Ooh.
[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
[SIGHS]
That's one for me.
[BLOWS]
Yeah. Way to go.
[IMITATES GUNSHOT]
Oh.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I mean, we are talking
about Barb and Rick.
It's crazy, right?
Ridiculous.
I mean, so they have problems.
What couple doesn't?
It's a sad fact, but half
of all marriages end in divorce.
It was either them or us.
We won.
Why can't their marriage work
and some couple we don't know
get divorced?
It has to be people you know.
I don't make up the rules.
And look at it this way,
the half of marriages
that don't end in divorce
end in death.
So Barb dodged a bullet there.
She just seems so confused
and vulnerable right now.
Hey, is Manny working
the door tonight?
No, tonight's ADD Larry.
Good.
I'm just really glad she's here
so I can look out for her.
I don't want her to do
something impulsive
she's gonna regret.
Hey, Russell.
Barb,
I didn't know you were in town.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Well...
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Barbara, we're back. Brought you
a pint of Cherry Garcia. Barb?
She's got five seconds
to claim it, then it's mine.
Oh, no.
She went out with Russell.
Two, one, mine.
Russell? Oh, Barbara, no.
Relax, he's not gonna
get anywhere with her.
"Get anywhere with her"?
Don't even talk like that.
She's not answering.
What is that little weasel
up to?
Do you know anything about this?
I don't, I swear.
Gonna go see if the doorman
knows anything.
Take off those shiny earrings,
otherwise ADD Larry
won't be able to focus.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
It's just that our life
is so predictable.
Date night every Saturday,
power walk every Sunday.
Oh, snore-us bore-ealis.
And every morning,
Rick gets up at 6,
on the treadmill
for exactly one hour,
and then 100 crunches.
[GROANS]
Every freakin' day.
Now, you don't look like
you go to the gym at all.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, yeah, well, I used to,
but I got all 'roided out.
You know? A lot of rage.
Lucky to be alive.
Ha-ha. Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES]
You mean you were once
more ripped than you are now?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey, speakin' of ripped.
Anyway,
you want my opinion, Barbarella?
I think ol' Rick
might be trying to make up
for a certain shortcoming.
Oh, believe me,
that's not it.
Ah, crap.
If anything,
it's the opposite.
Right. Right.
I mean,
the man's got--
Okay. What else is goin' on?
[SIGHS]
I just love your mustache.
Ah.
It's so...
dirty.
Oh. Oh. Heh.
It's actually a goatee.
There's more down here.
The light's so horrible in here.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Somebody cleaned out
the aquarium. Ha-ha.
Look, I found Nemo.
Heh. You know,
Rick would never eat this.
Dry carbs after 3 p.m.
is a no-no.
I think forgetting about Rick
for the rest of the night
is a big yes-yes.
Oh, how are you supposed
to eat these? They're huge.
You think those are huge--
Got it.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
What you reading?
Wait, was that baby Shiloh?
Turn back.
Oh, my God.
That's all of them.
Baby Shiloh, baby Suri,
and Kingston and Apple.
This is the greatest issue
ever.
Seriously, get out.
Huh?
Yeah. Get out. Get out.
Get out, have fun.
You know? You-- You--
You seemed stressed lately.
Oh, I don't feel stressed.
That's the first sign of stress,
is not feeling it.
You know, you should just have
a night out with the girls.
Kiki and Deb asked me to go
to see Breakfast at Tiffany's
at the Film Forum tonight.
That's great. Go.
[STAMMERS]
I don't think I can make it.
Oh, you can if you leave
right now. Here.
All right, are you sure
you'll be okay without me?
Oh, honey,
tonight's about you.
Now, go.
All right, I'll be home by 11.
Eleven p.m., 11 a.m., no rush.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
Change of plans.
I don't know why
she's not picking up.
Russell's moving in on Barb.
Russell's not picking up
either.
Probably sees it's me calling.
I'll make us some tea.
I don't want tea.
Oh, seriously,
light beer?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
What?
Yeah, I just had some really
nice alone time all set up,
and your wife
came over and ruined it.
Yeah, she does that.
Come on in.
I was, uh, just about
to watch today's game.
I recorded it earlier,
so keep the talking
to a minimum.
Pants are optional.
Hm. I-I opt to keep them on.
We each have our own path.
This is the first time
I've been alone
since Audrey's sister
got here.
Let's watch the game.
WOMAN [OVER TV]:
Today,
I've got the world's best
cupcakes!
What the hell?
I wouldn't mind a cupcake.
Whoa. Hey, watch the floppage.
My house, my floppage.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Mmm. Ooh.
Mmm.
Mmm. This chocolate
is so good.
Yeah.
You can take the last bite.
No, I want you to have it.
Oh.
Um. Mmm. Good.
Mmm.Hey.
You said I could have
the last bite.
I did. Oh, I'm such a liar.
[CHUCKLES]
I just needed one more...
bite.
Yeah.
You ordered another dessert,
you sneaky devil.
Well, you know,
chocolate is an aphrodisiac.
[LAUGHS]
Audrey was wrong about you.
You're fun.
Aren't I? Come on. I'm fun.
Yeah, that's what I need
in my life. More fun.
You wanna have some crazy fun?
Might involve
getting loud and sweaty.
♪♪ You really got me now ♪♪
♪♪ You got me
So I can't sleep at night ♪♪
♪♪ You really got me
You really got me ♪♪
♪♪ You really got me ♪♪
Oh, oh, oh!
[BOTH PLAYING SOLOS]
Yeah.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD WHOOPING]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I can't believe she's not home.
It's almost 4 in the morning.
Here, call Russell again.
Huh?
Oh, God, it is
so creepy when you sleep
with your eyes open.
That's what everyone
at work says.
Oh, it is about time.
You better not have taken
advantage of my sister,
you little ferret.
Audrey,
he was a complete gentleman.
You brainwashed her.
Jeff,
pound him into the floor.
[YAWNS]
All right.
Audrey,
he didn't do anything.
In fact,
I made a move on him.
Why? I mean, look at him
and look at you.
But he turned me down.
Why? I mean, look at her
and look at you.
I get it.
She's more attractive.
Then what were you
doing all night?
Well, um, mostly talked.
I mean, Russell told me
how his parents had problems,
but they just gave up.
And he thinks their divorce
was the biggest regret
of their lives.
Next to having children.
Anyway,
I decided I owe it
to my marriage
to try and work things out
with Rick.
That guy there?
And it was just then
that Audrey realized
that maybe, just maybe,
there was more to Russell
than meets the eye.
Off to bed, kids.
Nice to see you, Barb.
Thanks for everything.
All right.
So, what's your angle?
Why do I have to have an angle?
Can't I just be a good guy?
All right, here's the angle.
Sure, I could've
nailed that shut tonight,
but then she'd feel guilty,
and that'd be the end of it.
But if I play me cards right,
and wait till
the marriage fizzles,
then it pays off big.
It's like a savings bond
with hot sex dividends.
I'm not buying it.
I think you might actually be
a good guy.
I'm just kidding.
You're a dirtbag.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Jeff? Jeff?
Hey, Jeff.
Yeah?
I thought you'd wanna know,
things with me and Barb
are okay now.
Oh, thanks
for waking me up.
That could not have waited
till the morning.
[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, what Barb and Rick
are going through...
Could that happen to us?
Sure. Sure.
What do you mean?
I mean it's 5 a.m.
If you don't stop talking,
we're through.
You know, I really thought that
they had the perfect marriage,
you know?[SIGHS]
I guess they were just too good
to be true.
Well, that's what I like
about us.
We're not too good to be true.
We're just good enough.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
What are you doing?
If we ever renew our vows,
I wanna remember that phrase.
Really? Heh. You think about
renewing our vows?
Yeah, you're right.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey.
Oh, my God. What happened?
I was hungry.
I meant to my life.
What are you eating?
It's, uh,
last night's spaghetti,
some random nuts.
[DOOR OPENS]
You were so embarrassed
you didn't want your pants
to see?
Five o'clock today
begins Jeff's mini vacation.
I'm Jeff.
We've met, but Barb's gonna
be here any minute,
so, uh, would you put on
some pants?
You know, I can't believe
that your sister
chose the week I took days off
to make a surprise visit.
I like Barb,
but having someone around
is gonna cramp my style.
Okay, first of all...
style?
And I hardly get to see her
at all.
This is the first time
I get her all to myself.
Why isn't Rick coming?
Kenny G concert?
Rick is a great guy, all right?
He's like my family.
I practically grew up with him.
Plus, he and Barb have, like--
BOTH:
The perfect marriage.
Well, they do.
We could learn a little
something from them, you know.
Yeah, I don't wanna learn
anything from a guy
who dry-cleans his jeans.
They have Saturday date night.
They power walk together.
They even garden.
You know what? You're right.
We should be more like them.
This Saturday night,
let's power walk to the bedroom
and plant some corn.
Just put on some pants.
All right, fine.
Oh, guess what I found
in the closet?
The closet?
That's not my DVD. That--
Uh, Adam put that there.
No,
this picture of me and Barb
when we were kids.
Cute, huh?
Who's the little boy?
That's me.
I had a pixie cut.
They were very popular.
I'm guessing you weren't.
Heh.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[BOTH SQUEAL]
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Oh.
You look great.
Oh, California living.
Oh, you-- Look at you.
You look good too.
Oh, New York stress
and anxiety.
Oh.
Come on in.
How's Rick?
How's the new house?
Rick's good.
House is good.
Got a koi pond.
JEFF: Okay,
I think I've come up with
a compromise.
The old Speedo.
Hello, Barbara.
Hey, Jeff. Let's not hug.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you"? ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I'm just saying
that once she tells you
that she hates her father,
you're in.
I don't hate my father,
and Adam was still in.
Yeah, but he's in,
as in "trapped."
I'm talkin' in, like,
"Hey, where'd that guy
I just had sex with go?"
Move over.
Hey, Bigfoot.
The one day
I forget my camera.
How would you like my big foot
to smash you like a bug?
[CHUCKLES]
I'm good.
All right, well, I'm gonna
let you little rascals
start your meeting
of the He-Man Woman Haters Club.
I'll see you later,
Spanky.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, you caught me one time.
Now I'm Spanky?
Spanky's a character
on The Little Rascals.
ADAM:
Oh.
Heh. She-- She never caught me.
Audrey's sister
is really throwing a wrench
in my days off.
You wanna spend them
with Audrey?
What?
Is Audrey standing behind me
right now?
No.
Don't be stupid.
I wanted to spend
my time off alone.
Oh, I-I haven't had alone time
since I moved in with Jen.
Ha-ha. You sure
about that, Spanky?
I just meant that Jen and I
are always together.
You know, sometimes
I just wanna zone out
and not have anybody
talking to me.
They do love talking.
Yeah, may be nice
to watch Jeopardy
without her shouting out
the answers before I do.
You don't know
the answers.
I-I-I know some.
A lot during Celebrity Week.
Anyway, I love Jen,
but I just need some alone time,
you know?
Yeah, when I walk into our place
and Audrey's not there...
[SIGHS]
...so good.
Oh, that sounds great.
That's why I love
not being in a relationship:
I'm always alone.
JEFF:
Well, see, alone time
is only valuable
as a contrast to a relationship.
Sometimes there's nothing better
than not being with your wife.
Mm. Or your fiancée.
Yeah, it was great
not being with Audrey
when we were engaged,
but it's even better
when you're married.
Mm-mm. I can't wait to not be
with Jen when we're married.
And even when
she's not there,
lock the door, Spanky.
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Audrey,
I wanna record something,
but it says it's supposed to
record a ball game.
Oh, that's Jeff's.
You can change it.
The season's almost over.
That game
can't be that important.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hey, honey.
Oh, it was good.
A little turbulence.
The barbecue tongs?
I don't know where they are.
Just use salad tongs.
Tongs are tongs, Rick.
Look, I-I'm just checking into
the hotel here,
so let's talk later, okay?
Okay, bye.
The hotel?
Yeah, um, he thinks I'm on
a business trip in Boston.
W--?
I'm--
I'm here because, um,
Rick and I are having problems.
Is it just the tongs? 'Cause
you guys can work that out. Heh.
No, that's not it.
I-I've caught Jeff using
the spatula as a backscratcher.
While flipping burgers.
Audrey,
it's bigger than that.
I mean, everything with Rick
has become about image
and looking good.
I mean, I'm sick of it.
No, it's just a rough patch.
Come on. You guys
were high-school sweethearts.
You know, maybe that's it.
Maybe I never sowed
my wild oats.
I mean, maybe I should've dated
a thousand guys.
Like you.
If I'd had a guy like Rick,
I wouldn't have had to date
a thousand guys.
You know, maybe I just need to
get something out of my system.
Like having meaningless sex
with a sleazy video-store clerk.
He wasn't a clerk.
He was night manager.
Oh.
Oh, I know, I--
I just need to cut loose.
Ah, your doorman
looked kinda wild.
You think he's available?
The doorman? Manny? Stop it.
You and Rick
are great together.
I don't know anymore.
Look, just trust me. Come on.
This is just a little phase.
Oh, never mind.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
All right.
Close the curtain.
There's a pervert across the way
with a telescope.
He's married.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Jeff 1, urinal cake nothing.
You washed your hands, right?
It said "employees must."
[GROANS]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Go for Jeff Bingham.
Hey, Audrey. Diner.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay.
Wow. So that's what married
phone sex sounds like?
Audrey's on her way down,
so maybe you should go.
Why does she think
I'm such a dirtbag?
What do you tell her about me?
The truth.
Well, that only makes me look
like a jackass.
She just dropped a bomb.
Barb and Rick
are on the rocks, so...
Ooh la la.
Audrey's hot sister
might be avail?
Mmm. Might be time to throw
a shrimp on the Barbie.
You just called yourself
a shrimp.
Ha-ha. I don't care,
as long as it's on the Barbie.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey.
Oh, hey, hon.
Hey.
Sorry about Barb.
Listen, you know, I always
liked her. She's really--
No way. Never.
She's nothing to you.
No, I'm just saying--
No, you weren't.
But I--
AUDREY: No.
Besides being married, Barb
is a mature, intelligent woman.
And?
And you're a horny
little Chucky doll.
You know, I'm not as bad a guy
as you think I am.
I have feelings.
In your pants.
Dude.
Look. Ahem. I'm sure
I'm about the gazillionth
person to say this to you,
but, uh, stay away
from my sister.
Okay?
Isn't there some
girls with low self-esteem
convention
you should be lurking around?
Uh...
Well, there is that bakery
next to the weight-loss center.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, Jen.
Jen?
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
MAN [ON TV]:
"Name That Poet,"
"Stamps" and, finally,
"Letter Perfect."
All right, it's Teen Week.
I'm gonna kick some ass.
MAN:
"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?"
Oh, uh, who is
William Shakespeare?
I know, I can't believe
they voted him off.
He was the best one.
Hey, hon.
Hey.
Okay, Kiki.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
What you watchin'?
Nothing.
Oh, Jeopardy. Great.
MAN:
"This markswoman was featured
in the Legends of the West
series from 1994."
Oh, who is--?
Annie Oakley.
[YELLS]
MAN 2: Who is Annie Oakley?
MAN 1: Correct.
Ooh.
[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]
[SIGHS]
That's one for me.
[BLOWS]
Yeah. Way to go.
[IMITATES GUNSHOT]
Oh.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I mean, we are talking
about Barb and Rick.
It's crazy, right?
Ridiculous.
I mean, so they have problems.
What couple doesn't?
It's a sad fact, but half
of all marriages end in divorce.
It was either them or us.
We won.
Why can't their marriage work
and some couple we don't know
get divorced?
It has to be people you know.
I don't make up the rules.
And look at it this way,
the half of marriages
that don't end in divorce
end in death.
So Barb dodged a bullet there.
She just seems so confused
and vulnerable right now.
Hey, is Manny working
the door tonight?
No, tonight's ADD Larry.
Good.
I'm just really glad she's here
so I can look out for her.
I don't want her to do
something impulsive
she's gonna regret.
Hey, Russell.
Barb,
I didn't know you were in town.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Well...
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Barbara, we're back. Brought you
a pint of Cherry Garcia. Barb?
She's got five seconds
to claim it, then it's mine.
Oh, no.
She went out with Russell.
Two, one, mine.
Russell? Oh, Barbara, no.
Relax, he's not gonna
get anywhere with her.
"Get anywhere with her"?
Don't even talk like that.
She's not answering.
What is that little weasel
up to?
Do you know anything about this?
I don't, I swear.
Gonna go see if the doorman
knows anything.
Take off those shiny earrings,
otherwise ADD Larry
won't be able to focus.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
It's just that our life
is so predictable.
Date night every Saturday,
power walk every Sunday.
Oh, snore-us bore-ealis.
And every morning,
Rick gets up at 6,
on the treadmill
for exactly one hour,
and then 100 crunches.
[GROANS]
Every freakin' day.
Now, you don't look like
you go to the gym at all.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, yeah, well, I used to,
but I got all 'roided out.
You know? A lot of rage.
Lucky to be alive.
Ha-ha. Oh, my God.
[CHUCKLES]
You mean you were once
more ripped than you are now?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Hey, speakin' of ripped.
Anyway,
you want my opinion, Barbarella?
I think ol' Rick
might be trying to make up
for a certain shortcoming.
Oh, believe me,
that's not it.
Ah, crap.
If anything,
it's the opposite.
Right. Right.
I mean,
the man's got--
Okay. What else is goin' on?
[SIGHS]
I just love your mustache.
Ah.
It's so...
dirty.
Oh. Oh. Heh.
It's actually a goatee.
There's more down here.
The light's so horrible in here.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Somebody cleaned out
the aquarium. Ha-ha.
Look, I found Nemo.
Heh. You know,
Rick would never eat this.
Dry carbs after 3 p.m.
is a no-no.
I think forgetting about Rick
for the rest of the night
is a big yes-yes.
Oh, how are you supposed
to eat these? They're huge.
You think those are huge--
Got it.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
What you reading?
Wait, was that baby Shiloh?
Turn back.
Oh, my God.
That's all of them.
Baby Shiloh, baby Suri,
and Kingston and Apple.
This is the greatest issue
ever.
Seriously, get out.
Huh?
Yeah. Get out. Get out.
Get out, have fun.
You know? You-- You--
You seemed stressed lately.
Oh, I don't feel stressed.
That's the first sign of stress,
is not feeling it.
You know, you should just have
a night out with the girls.
Kiki and Deb asked me to go
to see Breakfast at Tiffany's
at the Film Forum tonight.
That's great. Go.
[STAMMERS]
I don't think I can make it.
Oh, you can if you leave
right now. Here.
All right, are you sure
you'll be okay without me?
Oh, honey,
tonight's about you.
Now, go.
All right, I'll be home by 11.
Eleven p.m., 11 a.m., no rush.
[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
Change of plans.
I don't know why
she's not picking up.
Russell's moving in on Barb.
Russell's not picking up
either.
Probably sees it's me calling.
I'll make us some tea.
I don't want tea.
Oh, seriously,
light beer?
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
What?
Yeah, I just had some really
nice alone time all set up,
and your wife
came over and ruined it.
Yeah, she does that.
Come on in.
I was, uh, just about
to watch today's game.
I recorded it earlier,
so keep the talking
to a minimum.
Pants are optional.
Hm. I-I opt to keep them on.
We each have our own path.
This is the first time
I've been alone
since Audrey's sister
got here.
Let's watch the game.
WOMAN [OVER TV]:
Today,
I've got the world's best
cupcakes!
What the hell?
I wouldn't mind a cupcake.
Whoa. Hey, watch the floppage.
My house, my floppage.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Mmm. Ooh.
Mmm.
Mmm. This chocolate
is so good.
Yeah.
You can take the last bite.
No, I want you to have it.
Oh.
Um. Mmm. Good.
Mmm.Hey.
You said I could have
the last bite.
I did. Oh, I'm such a liar.
[CHUCKLES]
I just needed one more...
bite.
Yeah.
You ordered another dessert,
you sneaky devil.
Well, you know,
chocolate is an aphrodisiac.
[LAUGHS]
Audrey was wrong about you.
You're fun.
Aren't I? Come on. I'm fun.
Yeah, that's what I need
in my life. More fun.
You wanna have some crazy fun?
Might involve
getting loud and sweaty.
♪♪ You really got me now ♪♪
♪♪ You got me
So I can't sleep at night ♪♪
♪♪ You really got me
You really got me ♪♪
♪♪ You really got me ♪♪
Oh, oh, oh!
[BOTH PLAYING SOLOS]
Yeah.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[CROWD WHOOPING]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
I can't believe she's not home.
It's almost 4 in the morning.
Here, call Russell again.
Huh?
Oh, God, it is
so creepy when you sleep
with your eyes open.
That's what everyone
at work says.
Oh, it is about time.
You better not have taken
advantage of my sister,
you little ferret.
Audrey,
he was a complete gentleman.
You brainwashed her.
Jeff,
pound him into the floor.
[YAWNS]
All right.
Audrey,
he didn't do anything.
In fact,
I made a move on him.
Why? I mean, look at him
and look at you.
But he turned me down.
Why? I mean, look at her
and look at you.
I get it.
She's more attractive.
Then what were you
doing all night?
Well, um, mostly talked.
I mean, Russell told me
how his parents had problems,
but they just gave up.
And he thinks their divorce
was the biggest regret
of their lives.
Next to having children.
Anyway,
I decided I owe it
to my marriage
to try and work things out
with Rick.
That guy there?
And it was just then
that Audrey realized
that maybe, just maybe,
there was more to Russell
than meets the eye.
Off to bed, kids.
Nice to see you, Barb.
Thanks for everything.
All right.
So, what's your angle?
Why do I have to have an angle?
Can't I just be a good guy?
All right, here's the angle.
Sure, I could've
nailed that shut tonight,
but then she'd feel guilty,
and that'd be the end of it.
But if I play me cards right,
and wait till
the marriage fizzles,
then it pays off big.
It's like a savings bond
with hot sex dividends.
I'm not buying it.
I think you might actually be
a good guy.
I'm just kidding.
You're a dirtbag.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Jeff? Jeff?
Hey, Jeff.
Yeah?
I thought you'd wanna know,
things with me and Barb
are okay now.
Oh, thanks
for waking me up.
That could not have waited
till the morning.
[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, what Barb and Rick
are going through...
Could that happen to us?
Sure. Sure.
What do you mean?
I mean it's 5 a.m.
If you don't stop talking,
we're through.
You know, I really thought that
they had the perfect marriage,
you know?[SIGHS]
I guess they were just too good
to be true.
Well, that's what I like
about us.
We're not too good to be true.
We're just good enough.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
What are you doing?
If we ever renew our vows,
I wanna remember that phrase.
Really? Heh. You think about
renewing our vows?
Yeah, you're right.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]