Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 1, Episode 7 - Jeff's Wooby - full transcript

Audrey is throwing out a collection of Jeff's t-shirts from his hight school and college days. Jeff objects since they represent memories of important events in his life. Audrey gathers up all of Jeff's t-shirts and has a quilt made out of them. Jeff initially objects to it, but then discovers he likes it, but now all he does is reminisce about the good times he had. Jennifer convinces Adam to get his things out of storage and after looking through his things, she thinks that he has a thing for Polynesian girls. Audrey tells her not to worry about it because he's with her, but it still bothers her. Russell's perception of his new girlfriend Jesse, is obsessed with sex because everything she says sounds like it to him, but he soon enough,is starting to dislike it because as she says it, the sex isn't happening.

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey.

How was your, uh,
softball game?

Well, I was powerful
at the plate...

graceful in the field,

gazelle-like
on the base paths.

You won?

Lost 26-9.

We had a--we had a girl
playin' second base.

Girls can be good.

Not this one.
For as bad as she was,

she might as well
have been straight.



What's, uh...
happenin' here?

While you were out losing,
I was cleaning our closets

and getting rid
of stuff we don't wear.

- These are my school t-shirts?
- Yes.

You're not
gettin' rid of those.

Why not? You haven't
worn 'em in 12 years.

We haven't used
our wedding china
in 12 years either.

Let's throw that out.

What happens now?

Do I say, "Good point.
You can keep your t-shirts"?

It's not the same thing,
but each one of these shirts

represents a special
memory in my life.

Special memory is the...
yabba grabba brew party?

Syracuse, '87. I was
appointed kegmeister
general of this event.



I led my men to victory
over the forces of sobriety.

Come on.
Haven't you outgrown these?

No. I bet they still fit.

I meant emotionally.

How's that look?

You look like
the Incredible Hulk

if he turned white
and didn't do sit-ups.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

♪♪ How many ways
to say I love you ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
to say that
I'm not scared ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I'm going
through these bills.

Did you know
we're still paying
for your storage unit?

Yeah, we have to.

I mean, I don't want them
confiscating my valuables.

Why don't you
just move the rest
of your stuff in here?

You don't want it here.
It's a bunch of crap.

Either move it in
or get rid of it.

I'm just sayin',
you don't want my stuff

junkin' up your apartment.

Our apartment.

Huh?

You said "your apartment."

Did I say that?

Yes. It's our apartment.

Of course it is!

I mean, all I'm saying
is I just realized...

it's nice the way it is.

I mean, you have done some
top-notch work here, honey.

Yes, but I did that all
before you moved in.

Now we're living together,
your stuff should be here too.

Ohh...

it's heavy.

And you know
how lazy I am.

- I'll help.
- Okay.

Good.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Really, she wanted you
to...throw them out?

Yeah.

They're not just t-shirts,

they're memories of
important events, you know?

Spring breaks, concerts,
football games,

credit card promotions.

You have done some living.

Hey guys, I want you to meet
my new friend, Jessie.

Hey, Jessie. Jeff.

- Hi.
- Adam. Nice to meet you.

Ooh, nice grip.
I like when it's firm.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, excuse me,
I have a call.

Sure.

I like this one.

She's obsessed with sex,
which is perfect for me

because I do not
like a challenge.

You've already
slept with her?

No, but by the way she talks,
could be any minute.

Everything she says
sounds dirty.

[LAUGHS]

Like when she
shook your hand,

she says, "I like it
when it's firm."

Russell, that's just
something people say.

Maybe it's not
her dirty mouth.

Maybe it's your
perverted ears.

We'll see.

Here she comes.
Listen to what she says.

Sorry, that was
my bar manager.

Oh, that's right.

Jessie's opening
a new club Saturday.
You guys should go.

Yeah, you guys
should definitely
check out my opening.

It takes a little time
for things to heat up
down there,

so try not
to come too early.

You heard the lady!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Wow, it is a good thing
Adam held on to these.

These'll come in handy
when you have 75 people
over for shots.

Oh, look, his
junior prom photo.

Judging by the sideburns,
someone was a 90210 fan.

[LAUGHS]

His date's pretty, though.
She looks Polynesian.

Ooh, here's his
senior prom photo.

Still looks like Luke Perry,
but different girl.

Also Polynesian.

What, did Adam have a thing
for Polynesian girls?

Apparently.
His last girlfriend,
Sonia, was Hawaiian.

I guess Adam has a type,

a type I am clearly not.

I wonder what else
I don't know about him.

You're not really
worried about this, are you?

No, I'm not the kind
of girl who gets crazy--

do think it's weird
that he didn't wanna
move his stuff in?

I think it's weird you did.

You're being silly.

I don't think I am.

Come on, he asked you
to marry him, didn't he?

It was a spur
of the moment thing
when we moved in together.

There's no ring, no date.
We don't even talk about it.

All right, look,
Adam loves you.

You are his future.
Those girls are his past.

Hey.

Hey.

Look at this.

I forgot I still had it.

Whoo...

Huh?

That's sexy, isn't it?

Huh? Come on!

It's gonna look great
next to the bed.

ADAM:
Oh, yeah, baby.Aloha!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Jeff.

Oh, what you watchin'?

It's, uh,
interesting show, um...

lovely woman took
ingredients she found
in her own kitchen

and cooked an entire
meal from scratch.

What's that on?
The Sci Fi Channel?

- What do ya got there?
- I got you a present!

- What is it?
- What do ya think?

My shirts!

What did you do
to my shirts?

I had a quilt
made out of 'em.

Rhetorical question, Audrey.

You just took
dozens of manly things,

and you turned 'em
into one big girl thing!

They were all
in the closet!

Now they're out and proud.

Not helping.

Look, now you can
see them every day,

and we get a lot
of closet space freed up.

Come on. Try it.

[GROANS]

Huh?

It's warm.

Oh, and look at this one.

Huey Lewis concert--1985.

The News was tight,
that show.

See, all your memories
in one place.

It is kind of convenient.
Thanks. You're all right.

I'm glad you like it.

Hey, come on here.

Get under here.

Mmm, sounds snuggly.

Hi.

Oh, look at that one.
Spring break, Daytona, '87.

First day I win
the big belly flop contest.

I win.

[LAUGHS]

I think I won
a t-shirt for that too.

There it is.

Right next to my
Citibank 10k Challenge shirt.

If that's a race
I did not run,

then how did I
get the t-shirt, you ask.

Interesting story.

It, uh, was an overcast day,
and I think it was September.

The race was
scheduled to start...

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[GROANS IRRITABLY]

Oh, hey.

They have that
tortellini soup you like.

Shut up.

What's your problem?

Jessie!

Remember all those
dirty double entendres

I said I like so much before?

Well, not so much anymore.

Why not?

Because her words
arouse my desires,

but her actions
aren't having sex with me.

Well, this might
not be her fault.

I mean, you're desires
get aroused

when you see them
dressing the mannequins
at Bloomingdale's.

Well, some of those boobs
are crazy real.

Anyway, this is
Jessie's fault,
and I can prove it.

Check this out.

The mailman tried
to hand her some mail,

but she said, "Can you
just slide it in my slot?"

She meant the mail slot.

Did she?

And then we were caught
out in the rain the other day,

and she goes,
"Rain makes me really wet."

Well, technically,
that's true.

But who says it like that?

Then the deli guy
asked if she wanted
her turkey sliced thin,

and she says,
"No, I like my meat thick."

Okay, that--that is weird.

I mean, nobody
likes thick turkey.

- Come on.
- Hey!

You know how some people
make double entendres,

and they go,
"That's what she said!"

Yeah, I did go
to junior high school.

Okay, well,
I think Jessie is "she."

I mean she's the she of
"that's what she said."

You found her!

Well, that would be great

except she doesn't know
what she's saying.

I might have
to get out of this.

I've never seen you walk
away from such a hot girl.

No.

I might be growing.

That's what she said.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Ugh, oh, God!
What is that smell?

That's the shirt
I wore under my pads
in high school football.

Great, 20-year-old B.O.

Nope, that's
the smell of victory.

You can't wash that out.

Start the movie.

Oh, oh!

Journey concert.
1987 at the Garden.

Went with my buddy,
Dave "The Boss" Ross.
Did you ever meet Dave?

- No.
- Oh.

You would've liked him.

Once, he put half a bottle
of Tabasco sauce in my Nyquil.

- He sounds like
a very wise man.
- Oh, he is.

One time I passed out
and he shaved off
all my body hair.

Start the movie.

Before the concert,
we go to Charlie O's

and knock back
a few cold ones.

Guess who we run into?

Some other knucklehead
you used to hang out with?

It was crazy Jim Conroy.

He once ate
a dead mouse on a bet.

All right, maybe
I'll just read--

Roy's goin'
to the concert too.

Jim Conroy--
we called him Roy.

He slaps his credit card down
and challenges us to go
shot for shot with him.

I'm like,
"Line 'em up, Jimmer. "

Sometimes
we'd call Roy "Jimmer."

Anyway, 21 shots later--

that's seven each for me,
the Boss, and Jimmer--

we're, like,
ready to go to the show.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, how's your work goin'?

Actually, I was just doing
a little procrastinating.

What do you think about
Italy for a honeymoon?

Sounds good.
Who's gettin' married?

Well, we are, right?

Yeah, yeah,

but we don't have
a wedding date set,

and we agreed not to worry
about the future.

That's the beauty
of our relationship.

Mwah!

Yeah, I agree.

I was just thinking...
Italy's so romantic,

and I'd love to go there.

Soon.

Yeah, we should
take a trip.

Oh, hey, you know where
I've always wanted to go?

Tahiti.

Tahiti. What made you
think of that?

I don't know--
I guess my old hula lamp

got me thinkin'
about the islands.

I just had some
ginger ale from Canada.
Maybe we should go there.

Nah, nah. Canada
feels like giving up.

So maybe we just
shouldn't go anywhere.

Maybe we should
just stay here

and keep everything
exactly as it is

for as long as possible.

Or Tahiti.

Hey, so what's
that thing do?

To keep track of the number
of guests so it doesn't
get overcrowded.

And it's not easy
because people keep going

in and out and
in and out and in--

Right, thank you.
Got it. Got it.

Could you do me a favor
by taking this one

and keeping track of who
comes in the backdoor.

Yeah. Sure.

Hi! I'm so glad
you guys made it!

Here, let me
stamp your hands.

This will give you
total access
to all private areas.

Oh, and hey--a little tip.

The hottest action
happens downstairs.

I know. She said that.

In fact, I'm gonna keep count
of everything she says.

Whoa!

Hula girls,
just like my lamp!

You've got to be kidding me.

- Hey, Russell.
- Hey.

That's Audrey
and that's Jeff.

- You met at the diner.
- Yes!

Your sausage
looked delicious.

Excuse me?

It's what I had
for breakfast.

To be honest,
it was a little dry.

You know, he also had
eggs, bacon, toast--

Oh, my friend Dick's here!

I love Dick!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, what's up, man?

37?

In under an hour.

It's drivin' me crazy--
she's yankin' my chain,

without actually
yankin' me chain.

JESSIE: Russell, hey.

I am so sorry that I
haven't been able to spend
a lot of time with you,

but I have been
riding the staff
all night long.

It's so fun
being at a club
on opening night.

Maybe we'll get
our picture taken
and wind up on page six.

This place is really great.

The decor reminds me
of a Jimmy Buffett concert.

I've seen Buffett,
like, ten times.

- Me too.
- Hey.

Check these out.

Those are my old t-shirts.

Is that one when Huey Lewis
played the Garden in '85?

You know it, brother.

I was there! The News
was tight that show!

Excuse me.

- You took pictures
of the quilt?
- Yeah.

Except the ones I'm in.
Adam took those.

God, ever since
I had that thing made,

all you talk about
is boring stories

of college and high school
and Roy and Jimmer.

Roy is Jimmer.

You don't listen.

I'm sorry.
It's kind of hard to hear

since I'm in this year,
and you're in 1985.

Well, I'm sorry
if I enjoy reminiscing

about all the best times
of my life.

Oh, the best times
of your life?

Yeah, how could
our wedding day

compare to some jackass
eating a dead mouse?

Hey, it's an open bar.
Wanna pound some shots?

Is the heart of rock 'n roll
still beatin'?

The right way to eat poi
is with two fingers,

like this.

Okay, that's good,
thank you.

What is going on with you?

I was eating poi.

It's just terrible.

I meant, what's going on
with you me-wise and us-wise?

In case you haven't noticed,
I'm not exactly Polynesian.

I've noticed that.
But what's going on with you?

You're acting weird lately.

Because I don't know
where we're going.

There's no wedding date,
no honeymoon.

I had to twist your arm
just to get you to move
your stuff in.

You're serious?

You actually think
I'm having second thoughts?

I just don't feel like
we're moving forward.

Come with me.

Jessie.

Hey, I was wondering,

what do you think we should
do about global warming?

You wanna talk
about this right now?

I do.

Okay, well, um...

I think that we need
to seriously cut down
on our carbon emissions

and aggressively search
for alternative fuels.

Well, right on. So do I.

But the real problem
is the ozone depletion
over the Arctic.

I mean, there is a giant hole
sitting over that pole.

There you go. I'm done.

Oh, 69.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

- Oh, my God, my head.
- Here, drink this.

[SIGHS]

It smells like vodka.

No, that's you.

I can't drink like I used to.

Well, at least you tried.

But you know what?

I'm glad I'm not
that guy anymore.

I have a lot more fun
with you

than I ever did with, uh,
Pete or Roy or Jimmer.

[CHUCKLES]

Honey, Roy is Jimmer.

Nice catch.

Anyway, if I got a t-shirt

for all the fun things
we did together,

there wouldn't be
enough room in this
whole apartment.

That is one of the sweetest
things you've ever said.

It just came out.

- There you go.
- Oh, Wooby!

Where are we going,
and why did we have to
stop by the apartment?

We're going right here.

What's here?

This is where I was
planning to take you

on the anniversary
of the night we met.

Aww, sweetie,
that's why I should plan
our special occasions.

Does anything look familiar?

- That's the bar
where we met.
- Mm-hmm.

And this is where
I was standing

when I saw you
go into that bar...

which made me
go into that bar.

This spot changed my life,

and, uh, that's why
I wanted to come here...

to give you this.

Oh, my God!

I, uh, it was
my grandmother's,

and now I want...
I want you to have it.

So...

will you
still marry me?

Of course I will.

So romantic.

I know.

There's only one way
it could be better.

How?

If this corner smelled
a little less like urine.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

It is absolutely beautiful.

It cost you nothing.

It is the thought
that counts.

Might've been nice to know
that twelve years ago.

You did good, Adam.

Yes, he did.

So, I guess
the next step is setting
your wedding date, huh?

Well...we're
in no hurry right now.

Life is pretty good.

Oh, yes it is.

Ah, look at
all the happy couples.

Something wrong, Russell?

Yeah, I broke up
with Jessie.

Oh.

Might've been a mistake.

She was sexy,
kind of fun, smart.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't
run from a relationship

at the first
bump in the road.

Aw, too bad.

Must be really hard.

That's what she would've said.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]