Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 1, Episode 6 - Hard Day's Night - full transcript
Jeff isn't sure how to explain to Audrey his "excitement" while Jennifer was giving him a massage.
What are you doing?
Oh, I like to fill up
each little waffle hole
with syrup.
[LAUGHS]
Really?
This is gonna be happening
for the rest of our lives?
Well, how do you do it?
Ha. You missed three holes.
Hey, you guys.
Two coffees to go,
please.
Hey, Adam, I'm
heading downtown
to a sports apparel warehouse.
A buddy of mine works there,
and he hooks me up.
You got any requests?
I could use
a new hooded sweatshirt.
You got it.
Might be slightly irregular.
Slightly.
Yeah.
The last t-shirt
you got from that guy
gave you a rash.
We don't know
it was the t-shirt.
I was in several
hot tubs that week.
See you guys later.
Hey, what's up, Kong?
Whatever it is that makes you
feel safe enough
to call me names like that...
shouldn't.
Hey. Nice outfit,
9 to 5.
You're certainly dressed
to make 70% of what a man
in your position would make.
[LAUGHS]
You should know.
You're 70% of a man.
Oh, that backfired nicely.
All right. Scootch.
I got a question, you guys.
Do you think I'm...
pale?
Yes.
You're almost clear.
Why do you ask?
Because there's
a school near the newsstand
where I usually buyThe Times.
You read thePost.
Well, can I just
tell the story?
Anyway, there's a new teacher
looking over recess,
and as you know
from my MySpace page,
I have a thing for teachers.
You have a thing
for all women.
Not all.
Okay, all.
Anyway, so today,
we make a little eye contact.
She gives me the little smile.
And I walk over
to break-a the ice-a,
and some, you know,
jerk starts insulting me
out of nowhere.
It threw off my game.
Okay, well who was it?
Another teacher?
No, I don't think
it was a teacher.
No?
Uh, the principal,
the custodian.
No, it was--
it was a punk.
[LAUGHS]
A punk?
What? One of the children?
Was he bigger than you?
What? It's a valid question.
Look, I'll give you
he was small-er-ish.
But quite mean.
He called me things.
Like Milk Face.
Albino Boy.
Casper.
Said the pigment factory
called, and my application
was denied.
Pigment factory.
That's a good one.
He could
have also said,
"Hey, look it's
a little powdered
donut hole."
That was a sweet pep talk.
Thank you.
I feel so much...the same.
♪♪ How many ways
to say I love you ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways ♪♪
♪♪ To say that
I'm not scared ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, Adam here?
No, he's helping Russell
deal with a bully.
My money's on the bully.
Nice sweat suit.
You look like you should be
hanging outside the meat store
with Paulie and Silvio.
Thanks.
Here's Adam's sweatshirt.
No face hole
on the hood.
Other than that,
it's perfect.
Hey, uh, while I have you,
will you help me
put the couch back
on the rug?
Yeah, sure.
Glad to help.
[GROANS]
Oh, what happened?
Ah, nothing.
It's just a little twinge
in my shoulder.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me massage it,
see if I can loosen it up.
I...
I'm not a big
people-touching-me guy.
I studied massage.
I know what I'm doing.
Ah, still.
Touching.
Come on.
I insist.
Okay, sure.
Give it a shot.
[SIGHS]
Oh, here's the problem.
There's a knot
in your trapezius
that's putting pressure
on a nerve.
Oh...
I think it's
loosening up there.
Yeah, the knot's
disappearing.
So's the tension.
If you ever get tired
with graphic design,
you could do this
for a living.
Well, I did work
for a physical therapy clinic
for a summer after college,
and--oh!
What?
Oh, no.
All right, well, uh,
the rug looks great.
Wow.
Wow, yeah.
I gotta go.
I hope you feel better!
Thanks for coming.
I appreciate the support.
No problem. I don't know what
Jennifer's talking about.
You're bigger
than all these kids.
Again, thanks for the support.
Ooh, there she is.
Oh, man.
I never had a teacher
that looked like that.
Yeah, me neither.
With any luck,
I'm about to.
The coast is clear.
Let's go.
Ah, if it isn't
Snow White back for more.
That's him?
He's adorable.
What's your name,
little guy?
Who are you,
his girlfriend?
Very funny.
Yeah, I'm his girlfriend.
You're pretty enough.
What did you use in your hair?
Two cans of mousse?
- [LAUGHS]
- No.
A dime-sized dollop
of gel.
The recommended amount.
What? Do you keep it
in your purse?
With the rest of your
makeup and lotion?
Oh, ka-zing.
Look, I don't have a purse
or makeup.
And I only use lotion
because I have
combination skin.
A combination
of girl and sissy.
Puh-pow!
Burn. Sizzle.
I saw that one coming.
This is a great diversion.
I'm gonna talk to the teacher.
Hey, check out how long
his eyelashes are.
Whoa, do you use mascara?
You lashes are
thick and pretty
like a girl's.
Are not.
Yeah, that's what you are.
The Maybelline Girl.
[LAUGHS]
Ba-Boom!
- [SIGHS]
- Hey.
Hi.
You okay?
With what?
You're holding
your neck.
It's nothing.
Just a twinge.
How did it happen?
Out of nowhere.
Caused by nothing.
Okay.
I know what
you're up to.
- You do?
- Oh, yes I do.
You're trying to get me
to rub your neck.
'Cause every time I do,
somehow it leads to sex.
You figured that one out.
Yeah, it wasn't exactly
The Da Vinci Code.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
It's our little dance.
Let's skip the prom
and go straight to
the back of the limo.
- Come on.
- Wait.
Hold on. I, uh...
I can't.
Oh, why not?
I, uh...
I feel dirty.
Yeah, me too.
No, no. I just...
Yeah, I need
to take a shower.
[GRUNTS]
Me too. Come on.
I can't.
[LAUGHS]
You playing hard to get?
Really. No.
Audrey, I said no.
Listen, it's just that
no means no.
Oh, you're
using the elevator?
Taking the stairs.
Jeff, what--
He is acting so--
Oh, I left the stove
on fire.
Who is it?
It's Audrey. The person
whose face you just
slammed the door on.
I'm sorry. I didn't
see you behind me.
Yeah, I was yelling,
"Hey, Jen."
What the hell is going on?
Jeff is acting super-weird.
You are acting weird.
What--what's going on?
So, Jeff didn't tell you
about the thing?
No. No, he didn't.
Why don't you?
This is funny.
You're going to laugh.
I like to laugh.
Okay, earlier Jeff helped me
lift the couch back
onto the rug.
It's the rug I got
at ABC Carpet.
I asked you to look at it
because we're friends.
Have been for three years.
Rich history together.
Not laughing yet.
Okay, Jeff hurt his neck.
I massaged it.
- He felt much better.
- So?
Well, he felt so much better,
he gave me a standing ovation.
Without standing up.
Oh, wait--what?
I used to do
therapeutic massage.
This happened all the time.
I don't think
it's a good time
for you to brag about
how good you are.
No, no.
It's a physiological response.
Completely innocent
and accidental.
I was hoping Jeff
would tell you,
and it would be worked out,
and I wouldn't be involved.
Oh ho ho, you're involved.
You got involved
the second you started
rubbing my husband.
Only because his neck hurt.
You don't think I was
really trying to make a move
on him, do you?
No, no, I don't.
I'm just...mad.
Why didn't he
just tell me?
He probably didn't know
how to bring it up.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess he needs
your help for that.
Sorry, still kinda mad.
Look...
I'm sure he's
just embarrassed.
He's probably
trying to figure out
how to tell you right now.
Yeah, probably.
I'll give him
a chance to be honest.
How are you
gonna tell Adam?
Same way I always
break bad news to him.
Naked.
Hey, Gigantor.
I'm glad you're here.
I could use a little
man to man talk.
And fortunately,
you're a little man.
Ah, the empire strikes back.
Hey, help me out here.
I'm meeting this teacher
for coffee.
I'm trying to decide which
shirt color would make me
look the least pale.
What do you think?
Ash, slate, or ecru?
I'm going to change the topic
now.
You get massages, right?
Say no more.
Listen...
Her name's Katya.
From Russia with love.
Tell her the man
with the golden gun
sent ya.
No, no. I was just wondering
if while getting a massage,
you ever...
Chubbed up.
Yeah, all the time. Why?
So, it's normal.
Who's to say
what's normal in this world.
But where did you get it?
And did you get a card?
It wasn't at a massage place.
It was, uh...
Ah, you trailed off there
mid-sentence.
Didn't finish your thought.
I'm intrigued.
Look, you work with that.
I don't know if I can tell ya.
You don't wanna
tell me anything
when in fact you've
just revealed everything.
I can now deduce
that you got excited
when you got a massage
from Adam.
It was Jennifer.
Duh, yeah, my second guess.
If you tell anyone,
I'm gonna punch my fist
through your chest,
spin you around my forearm
like a pinwheel.
That's terrifying,
yet somehow beautiful.
I got a knot in my shoulder.
And Jennifer offered to help.
And then she rubbed it.
And...
Mmm...ba-boing!
Yeah. Ba-boing.
So whatever.
You got the hots
for your friend's wife.
It's not that.
Now I feel awkward
around Jennifer.
I feel guilty
around Audrey.
I feel like I cheated on her.
But you didn't.
You had no intent.
You had a tent,
but no intent.
I'm just going
to tell Audrey.
- Sure, if you wanna
be selfish about it.
- How's that selfish?
Nothing happened,
and Audrey doesn't
know anything.
But you feel guilty
about it
so you tell Audrey,
she feels bad so you
can feel better.
Ergo--selfish.
How do you know
all this stuff?
Proud Cosmo subscriber
since '93.
It's like having
the other team's playbook.
Fine, I'm not gonna tell her.
I gotta figure out
a way to get rid of
this guilt
because it's making me
tense.
Well, I'd rub your shoulders,
but I don't think
the bottom of this table
could take it.
Oh, hey.
I have something
to tell you.
Hold on.
I've got something
important to ask.
Okay.
Do you think I'm pretty?
If you're gay,
tell me now
because I do not
wanna go through that again.
Go through what again?
Nothing. It doesn't matter.
What's your issue?
That bully.
That bully that teased Russell,
he called me pretty.
Yeah, he said
I had thick, pretty lashes
like a girl.
He said the Miss America
contest called, and I was in.
[LAUGHS]
That's a good one.
Why are you
letting the kid get to you?
Because. Guys don't want
to look pretty.
They want to look rugged
and tough.
You know, and...
Maybe a little deformed.
Yeah.
You're not pretty.
You're handsome.
Ruggedly handsome.
Like a lumberjack.
Or Ryan Seacrest.
You know what
I'm gonna do? Honey?
I should break my nose.
No, you shouldn't.
My nose, my rules.
Anyway, what was that thing
you wanted to tell me?
Oh, well...
Maybe we should
go in the bedroom.
This is funny.
You're gonna laugh.
Hi.
Hey, you're back.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry I ran out
of the apartment before,
but, um, I have
an explanation.
- You do?
- Yes.
I'm so glad.
Well, you're going to be
even gladder
because I ran out
to buy you this.
Diamond earrings.
Two of them.
Whoa, those are beautiful.
What did I do
to deserve these?
Or what did you do?
Nothing. Just 'cause
I love ya.
I'm glad you like them.
That makes me feel good.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Sure you want a beer?
Wouldn't you prefer
a nice, stiff drink?
[LAUGHS]
Maybe some hard liquor.
Straight up.
Well played.
You got the diamonds first.
I don't care
about the diamonds.
Then can I return them?
What do you think?
I think they're
going to look very nice on you
and really bring out
the sparkle in...
[SIGHS]
Let's just do this.
Yes. Yes, let's.
You know this whole thing
could have been avoided
if you didn't try to hide it.
I didn't try
to hide it.
It was gone by the time
I got home.
I mean the fact
that you hid that--
You know what I mean.
By not telling me,
it made you look guilty.
I felt guilty.
That's why I didn't
let you have your way
with me.
Oh, well, you are lucky
you didn't.
Why? Why?
For bachelorette parties
you've gone to those
Chippendales shows
and gotten all worked up.
And I was happy to finish
what those hairless,
oily freaks started.
Yes, yes, but those
hairless, oily freaks
were not our friends
from the building.
I don't know. Carlos in 5A
is suspiciously smooth.
Look, all you had to do
was be honest.
You should know
you can tell me anything.
You would have been fine if
I walked in
and said, "Look what
the cute neighbor girl
gave me"?
[LAUGHS]
Now she's cute?
No-- You just said I could
tell you anything.
Yes, but don't be
stupid about it.
That's my point.
I can't tell you everything.
You can tell me
everything I should know.
If it's
going to upset me,
and it's not important,
then don't tell me.
I thought that's
what I was doing here.
Yes, but I found out.
How is that my fault?
Just don't let
other women rub you.
Done.
Fine.
Are you gonna
keep the earrings?
Oh, yeah.
Easily the most
expensive erection
I've ever had.
If it makes you
feel any better,
it had nothing to do
with Jennifer.
The same thing
happens to me
when I'm riding on a bus
on a bumpy road.
I do feel better.
In fact, I was actually
disappointed when they
repaved 9th Avenue.
[KNOCKING]
All right, pal.
Jennifer told me what happened.
Now let's step outside
and settle this like men.
If you could,
aim for my nose.
Ow!
[WHINING]
Thank you.
Let's see what this
little bully has to say now.
Oh, yeah, we're looking good.
Very good.
[LAUGHS]
Wow, where do I start?
Yeah?
Not so pretty now,
am I?
No, but you will be
when your nose job heals.
Who are you, Ashlee Simpson?
For your information,
I got this from a man.
Oh, so you like it rough?
- Ka-zing.
- What are you laughing at,
Pumpkin Face?
- Oh.
- Willy Wonka called.
He said he needs
his chocolate stirred.
[LAUGHS]
He said you're
an Oompah Loompah.
I've seen the film.
You know what,
I feel sorry for you.
I think if you had any friends,
you wouldn't be over here
making fun of us.
I was just voted
most popular in my class,
jackass.
Prove it, jackass.
Russell?
[MOCK CRYING]
Miss O'Brien, the orange man
called me a bad name.
It's bronzer.
Russell, what is the matter
with you?
He's just a child.
He started it.
I don't care who started it.
You should leave.
- What?
- And see a doctor.
You may have hepatitis.
Ka-zing.
Ka-pow.
Happen yet?
Not yet.
Come on.
Don't start pressuring me.
Wait, I have an idea.
Ninth Avenue line.
Next stop, Times Square.
That's the stuff.
Now gimme a pothole.
There you go!
Oh, I like to fill up
each little waffle hole
with syrup.
[LAUGHS]
Really?
This is gonna be happening
for the rest of our lives?
Well, how do you do it?
Ha. You missed three holes.
Hey, you guys.
Two coffees to go,
please.
Hey, Adam, I'm
heading downtown
to a sports apparel warehouse.
A buddy of mine works there,
and he hooks me up.
You got any requests?
I could use
a new hooded sweatshirt.
You got it.
Might be slightly irregular.
Slightly.
Yeah.
The last t-shirt
you got from that guy
gave you a rash.
We don't know
it was the t-shirt.
I was in several
hot tubs that week.
See you guys later.
Hey, what's up, Kong?
Whatever it is that makes you
feel safe enough
to call me names like that...
shouldn't.
Hey. Nice outfit,
9 to 5.
You're certainly dressed
to make 70% of what a man
in your position would make.
[LAUGHS]
You should know.
You're 70% of a man.
Oh, that backfired nicely.
All right. Scootch.
I got a question, you guys.
Do you think I'm...
pale?
Yes.
You're almost clear.
Why do you ask?
Because there's
a school near the newsstand
where I usually buyThe Times.
You read thePost.
Well, can I just
tell the story?
Anyway, there's a new teacher
looking over recess,
and as you know
from my MySpace page,
I have a thing for teachers.
You have a thing
for all women.
Not all.
Okay, all.
Anyway, so today,
we make a little eye contact.
She gives me the little smile.
And I walk over
to break-a the ice-a,
and some, you know,
jerk starts insulting me
out of nowhere.
It threw off my game.
Okay, well who was it?
Another teacher?
No, I don't think
it was a teacher.
No?
Uh, the principal,
the custodian.
No, it was--
it was a punk.
[LAUGHS]
A punk?
What? One of the children?
Was he bigger than you?
What? It's a valid question.
Look, I'll give you
he was small-er-ish.
But quite mean.
He called me things.
Like Milk Face.
Albino Boy.
Casper.
Said the pigment factory
called, and my application
was denied.
Pigment factory.
That's a good one.
He could
have also said,
"Hey, look it's
a little powdered
donut hole."
That was a sweet pep talk.
Thank you.
I feel so much...the same.
♪♪ How many ways
to say I love you ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways ♪♪
♪♪ To say that
I'm not scared ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, Adam here?
No, he's helping Russell
deal with a bully.
My money's on the bully.
Nice sweat suit.
You look like you should be
hanging outside the meat store
with Paulie and Silvio.
Thanks.
Here's Adam's sweatshirt.
No face hole
on the hood.
Other than that,
it's perfect.
Hey, uh, while I have you,
will you help me
put the couch back
on the rug?
Yeah, sure.
Glad to help.
[GROANS]
Oh, what happened?
Ah, nothing.
It's just a little twinge
in my shoulder.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me massage it,
see if I can loosen it up.
I...
I'm not a big
people-touching-me guy.
I studied massage.
I know what I'm doing.
Ah, still.
Touching.
Come on.
I insist.
Okay, sure.
Give it a shot.
[SIGHS]
Oh, here's the problem.
There's a knot
in your trapezius
that's putting pressure
on a nerve.
Oh...
I think it's
loosening up there.
Yeah, the knot's
disappearing.
So's the tension.
If you ever get tired
with graphic design,
you could do this
for a living.
Well, I did work
for a physical therapy clinic
for a summer after college,
and--oh!
What?
Oh, no.
All right, well, uh,
the rug looks great.
Wow.
Wow, yeah.
I gotta go.
I hope you feel better!
Thanks for coming.
I appreciate the support.
No problem. I don't know what
Jennifer's talking about.
You're bigger
than all these kids.
Again, thanks for the support.
Ooh, there she is.
Oh, man.
I never had a teacher
that looked like that.
Yeah, me neither.
With any luck,
I'm about to.
The coast is clear.
Let's go.
Ah, if it isn't
Snow White back for more.
That's him?
He's adorable.
What's your name,
little guy?
Who are you,
his girlfriend?
Very funny.
Yeah, I'm his girlfriend.
You're pretty enough.
What did you use in your hair?
Two cans of mousse?
- [LAUGHS]
- No.
A dime-sized dollop
of gel.
The recommended amount.
What? Do you keep it
in your purse?
With the rest of your
makeup and lotion?
Oh, ka-zing.
Look, I don't have a purse
or makeup.
And I only use lotion
because I have
combination skin.
A combination
of girl and sissy.
Puh-pow!
Burn. Sizzle.
I saw that one coming.
This is a great diversion.
I'm gonna talk to the teacher.
Hey, check out how long
his eyelashes are.
Whoa, do you use mascara?
You lashes are
thick and pretty
like a girl's.
Are not.
Yeah, that's what you are.
The Maybelline Girl.
[LAUGHS]
Ba-Boom!
- [SIGHS]
- Hey.
Hi.
You okay?
With what?
You're holding
your neck.
It's nothing.
Just a twinge.
How did it happen?
Out of nowhere.
Caused by nothing.
Okay.
I know what
you're up to.
- You do?
- Oh, yes I do.
You're trying to get me
to rub your neck.
'Cause every time I do,
somehow it leads to sex.
You figured that one out.
Yeah, it wasn't exactly
The Da Vinci Code.
It's all right.
I don't mind.
It's our little dance.
Let's skip the prom
and go straight to
the back of the limo.
- Come on.
- Wait.
Hold on. I, uh...
I can't.
Oh, why not?
I, uh...
I feel dirty.
Yeah, me too.
No, no. I just...
Yeah, I need
to take a shower.
[GRUNTS]
Me too. Come on.
I can't.
[LAUGHS]
You playing hard to get?
Really. No.
Audrey, I said no.
Listen, it's just that
no means no.
Oh, you're
using the elevator?
Taking the stairs.
Jeff, what--
He is acting so--
Oh, I left the stove
on fire.
Who is it?
It's Audrey. The person
whose face you just
slammed the door on.
I'm sorry. I didn't
see you behind me.
Yeah, I was yelling,
"Hey, Jen."
What the hell is going on?
Jeff is acting super-weird.
You are acting weird.
What--what's going on?
So, Jeff didn't tell you
about the thing?
No. No, he didn't.
Why don't you?
This is funny.
You're going to laugh.
I like to laugh.
Okay, earlier Jeff helped me
lift the couch back
onto the rug.
It's the rug I got
at ABC Carpet.
I asked you to look at it
because we're friends.
Have been for three years.
Rich history together.
Not laughing yet.
Okay, Jeff hurt his neck.
I massaged it.
- He felt much better.
- So?
Well, he felt so much better,
he gave me a standing ovation.
Without standing up.
Oh, wait--what?
I used to do
therapeutic massage.
This happened all the time.
I don't think
it's a good time
for you to brag about
how good you are.
No, no.
It's a physiological response.
Completely innocent
and accidental.
I was hoping Jeff
would tell you,
and it would be worked out,
and I wouldn't be involved.
Oh ho ho, you're involved.
You got involved
the second you started
rubbing my husband.
Only because his neck hurt.
You don't think I was
really trying to make a move
on him, do you?
No, no, I don't.
I'm just...mad.
Why didn't he
just tell me?
He probably didn't know
how to bring it up.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess he needs
your help for that.
Sorry, still kinda mad.
Look...
I'm sure he's
just embarrassed.
He's probably
trying to figure out
how to tell you right now.
Yeah, probably.
I'll give him
a chance to be honest.
How are you
gonna tell Adam?
Same way I always
break bad news to him.
Naked.
Hey, Gigantor.
I'm glad you're here.
I could use a little
man to man talk.
And fortunately,
you're a little man.
Ah, the empire strikes back.
Hey, help me out here.
I'm meeting this teacher
for coffee.
I'm trying to decide which
shirt color would make me
look the least pale.
What do you think?
Ash, slate, or ecru?
I'm going to change the topic
now.
You get massages, right?
Say no more.
Listen...
Her name's Katya.
From Russia with love.
Tell her the man
with the golden gun
sent ya.
No, no. I was just wondering
if while getting a massage,
you ever...
Chubbed up.
Yeah, all the time. Why?
So, it's normal.
Who's to say
what's normal in this world.
But where did you get it?
And did you get a card?
It wasn't at a massage place.
It was, uh...
Ah, you trailed off there
mid-sentence.
Didn't finish your thought.
I'm intrigued.
Look, you work with that.
I don't know if I can tell ya.
You don't wanna
tell me anything
when in fact you've
just revealed everything.
I can now deduce
that you got excited
when you got a massage
from Adam.
It was Jennifer.
Duh, yeah, my second guess.
If you tell anyone,
I'm gonna punch my fist
through your chest,
spin you around my forearm
like a pinwheel.
That's terrifying,
yet somehow beautiful.
I got a knot in my shoulder.
And Jennifer offered to help.
And then she rubbed it.
And...
Mmm...ba-boing!
Yeah. Ba-boing.
So whatever.
You got the hots
for your friend's wife.
It's not that.
Now I feel awkward
around Jennifer.
I feel guilty
around Audrey.
I feel like I cheated on her.
But you didn't.
You had no intent.
You had a tent,
but no intent.
I'm just going
to tell Audrey.
- Sure, if you wanna
be selfish about it.
- How's that selfish?
Nothing happened,
and Audrey doesn't
know anything.
But you feel guilty
about it
so you tell Audrey,
she feels bad so you
can feel better.
Ergo--selfish.
How do you know
all this stuff?
Proud Cosmo subscriber
since '93.
It's like having
the other team's playbook.
Fine, I'm not gonna tell her.
I gotta figure out
a way to get rid of
this guilt
because it's making me
tense.
Well, I'd rub your shoulders,
but I don't think
the bottom of this table
could take it.
Oh, hey.
I have something
to tell you.
Hold on.
I've got something
important to ask.
Okay.
Do you think I'm pretty?
If you're gay,
tell me now
because I do not
wanna go through that again.
Go through what again?
Nothing. It doesn't matter.
What's your issue?
That bully.
That bully that teased Russell,
he called me pretty.
Yeah, he said
I had thick, pretty lashes
like a girl.
He said the Miss America
contest called, and I was in.
[LAUGHS]
That's a good one.
Why are you
letting the kid get to you?
Because. Guys don't want
to look pretty.
They want to look rugged
and tough.
You know, and...
Maybe a little deformed.
Yeah.
You're not pretty.
You're handsome.
Ruggedly handsome.
Like a lumberjack.
Or Ryan Seacrest.
You know what
I'm gonna do? Honey?
I should break my nose.
No, you shouldn't.
My nose, my rules.
Anyway, what was that thing
you wanted to tell me?
Oh, well...
Maybe we should
go in the bedroom.
This is funny.
You're gonna laugh.
Hi.
Hey, you're back.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry I ran out
of the apartment before,
but, um, I have
an explanation.
- You do?
- Yes.
I'm so glad.
Well, you're going to be
even gladder
because I ran out
to buy you this.
Diamond earrings.
Two of them.
Whoa, those are beautiful.
What did I do
to deserve these?
Or what did you do?
Nothing. Just 'cause
I love ya.
I'm glad you like them.
That makes me feel good.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Sure you want a beer?
Wouldn't you prefer
a nice, stiff drink?
[LAUGHS]
Maybe some hard liquor.
Straight up.
Well played.
You got the diamonds first.
I don't care
about the diamonds.
Then can I return them?
What do you think?
I think they're
going to look very nice on you
and really bring out
the sparkle in...
[SIGHS]
Let's just do this.
Yes. Yes, let's.
You know this whole thing
could have been avoided
if you didn't try to hide it.
I didn't try
to hide it.
It was gone by the time
I got home.
I mean the fact
that you hid that--
You know what I mean.
By not telling me,
it made you look guilty.
I felt guilty.
That's why I didn't
let you have your way
with me.
Oh, well, you are lucky
you didn't.
Why? Why?
For bachelorette parties
you've gone to those
Chippendales shows
and gotten all worked up.
And I was happy to finish
what those hairless,
oily freaks started.
Yes, yes, but those
hairless, oily freaks
were not our friends
from the building.
I don't know. Carlos in 5A
is suspiciously smooth.
Look, all you had to do
was be honest.
You should know
you can tell me anything.
You would have been fine if
I walked in
and said, "Look what
the cute neighbor girl
gave me"?
[LAUGHS]
Now she's cute?
No-- You just said I could
tell you anything.
Yes, but don't be
stupid about it.
That's my point.
I can't tell you everything.
You can tell me
everything I should know.
If it's
going to upset me,
and it's not important,
then don't tell me.
I thought that's
what I was doing here.
Yes, but I found out.
How is that my fault?
Just don't let
other women rub you.
Done.
Fine.
Are you gonna
keep the earrings?
Oh, yeah.
Easily the most
expensive erection
I've ever had.
If it makes you
feel any better,
it had nothing to do
with Jennifer.
The same thing
happens to me
when I'm riding on a bus
on a bumpy road.
I do feel better.
In fact, I was actually
disappointed when they
repaved 9th Avenue.
[KNOCKING]
All right, pal.
Jennifer told me what happened.
Now let's step outside
and settle this like men.
If you could,
aim for my nose.
Ow!
[WHINING]
Thank you.
Let's see what this
little bully has to say now.
Oh, yeah, we're looking good.
Very good.
[LAUGHS]
Wow, where do I start?
Yeah?
Not so pretty now,
am I?
No, but you will be
when your nose job heals.
Who are you, Ashlee Simpson?
For your information,
I got this from a man.
Oh, so you like it rough?
- Ka-zing.
- What are you laughing at,
Pumpkin Face?
- Oh.
- Willy Wonka called.
He said he needs
his chocolate stirred.
[LAUGHS]
He said you're
an Oompah Loompah.
I've seen the film.
You know what,
I feel sorry for you.
I think if you had any friends,
you wouldn't be over here
making fun of us.
I was just voted
most popular in my class,
jackass.
Prove it, jackass.
Russell?
[MOCK CRYING]
Miss O'Brien, the orange man
called me a bad name.
It's bronzer.
Russell, what is the matter
with you?
He's just a child.
He started it.
I don't care who started it.
You should leave.
- What?
- And see a doctor.
You may have hepatitis.
Ka-zing.
Ka-pow.
Happen yet?
Not yet.
Come on.
Don't start pressuring me.
Wait, I have an idea.
Ninth Avenue line.
Next stop, Times Square.
That's the stuff.
Now gimme a pothole.
There you go!