Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 1, Episode 5 - Kids - full transcript

Russell accidentally runs into an older woman from his past named Constance. He then tries to impress her with his physical gifts.

You two are going out of town
on a romantic getaway weekend?

We're actually gonna rent
the car tonight so we can
avoid all the traffic.

I know
a good shortcut.

Uh, you don't know
where we're going.

Doesn't matter.
I know a shortcut.

Even we don't know yet.

It's a spur
of the moment thing.

Oh, how fun.

When's the last time
we did something
like that?

Just last weekend.
We made plans to do
dinner and a movie.

And spur of the moment,
we decided not to go.



[LAUGHS]
That was fun
to not do that.

Well, we wanna do
this kind of stuff
while we're still young

and not overwhelmed
with work and kids.

Yeah.
Sounds great.

Hey, how come you guys
don't have kids?

Adam, you don't ask people
things like that.

Why not?

Because maybe
Jeff's shooting blanks.

Adam's sorry.

It's nothing
like that, really.

When we were first married,
we didn't wanna be tied down.

We wanted to travel--
see Europe.

- Must've been wonderful.
- How long were you there?

Never went.



We went to Epcot Center,
though.

It's pretty much
the same thing.

Anyway, a couple years ago,
we tried for about six months

and nothing happened,
so...

It was too much pressure.
Put it aside...

and decided to get busy
with careers.

That's about it.

- Well, when the time is right.
- Yeah.

- RUSSELL:Hey.
- Hey, Russell.

Hey, Archie.

Betty,
Veronica, Moose...

Hey, how's it goin'?

It's going good,
Meatwad.

[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

That's funny?
"Meatwad"?

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- All right.

You wanna join us,
Russell?

At the table
or in your creepy cult
of monogamy, hm?

No, thanks.
I'm just pickin' up
a coffee to go.

You just make jokes
about relationships

'cause you wish
you could have one.

- RUSSELL:Mm.
- You're just jealous.

You know what?
I am a little bit jealous.

You're right.
Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to go do
whatever I feel like doing
all the time.

God, it's sad
the way he tries to make
his life sound good.

Really.

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪How many ways
to say I love you♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
to say ♪♪

♪♪ That I'm
not scared ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪♪

Russell?

Yes, ma'am?

Constance.

Constance Williams!

I lived in the building
you grew up in.

Oh, my God!
Of course! Hi!

You used to take care
of my cat.

Oh, that's right.

What was her name?

I wanna say...
Pickles...

Snuffles.

Snuffles.
Yes, Snuffles.

Well, it's great
to see you, Constance.

Or...should I call you
"Mrs. Robinson"?

Oh...

So, you remember
that, too.

Well, who could forget?

The best 18th-birthday
present ever.

Yes, I made you show me
your driver's license

because I thought
you were 14.

Well, the moustache
hadn't fully come in yet.

It will.

What an afternoon that was.
You were so cute.

Well, who isn't cute
with feathered hair

and a skinny piano tie?

Come on.

You were so nervous.

Well, Snuffles
was in the room

staring at me.

And it was over so fast.

Staring and judging.

And then she jumped on me
right in the middle of it.

Oh, I don't think
it lasted long enough

to even have a middle.

All right. Well,
you made your point.

Anyway, it was
a long time ago.

Yes, it was.

Every time
I think back on it,

it makes me chuckle!

Anyway...

if you want, you can put
your items with mine.

I get
the senior discount.

Aw, that's sweet.

Eh.

Hey...do you think
that we'll have kids
when we're married

as long as
Jeff and Audrey?

We don't even have
a wedding date yet.

We don't need to worry
about that now.

That's probably
what they thought,
so let's learn from them

and decide some of
our big life issues
right now.

Okay. I was thinking...

we'd have two kids.

Same here! Yeah.
We can move out
of the city

and get a house
in like seven
to ten years.

- Yes!
- Yes.

Somewhere really
peaceful, but...

But close enough
to Manhattan

so that we can make
the quick drive in.

- Exactly!
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, and if I'm ever
on life support,

I want you
to pull the plug.

Oh, my God.
Pull my plug, too.

This is so great.

You know, I hate it
when couples say
they're soul mates.

Oh, I know. Me, too.
It's so lame and fake.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

But we're soul mates.

Totally.

All right.

All right.

All right.

Don't want any...

glare on the ol' flatscreen.

I've wanted to see
this movie for months.

And tonight...
is the perfect night.

[MOVIE PLAYS]

Are we terrible people
for not having kids yet?

Um...

No, we're not
terrible people.

I mean, seriously,
just about everybody
we know has kids.

Well, that's why we stopped
hanging out with them.

It's all...

"Suzy got a new tooth"
or "Little Jimmy
made a poo-poo."

Real interesting.

You know, I think
it's interesting
if it'syour kid.

The same way your
Fantasy Football stories

are only interesting
to you.

People like it
when I talk about
myFantasy--

Oh, no, they don't.

Honey, your stories
stink like...

"Little Jimmy's poo-poo."

Hm.

Well, you do
want kids, right?

I know I'd love a son.

Or a...a son
and a daughter.

[LAUGHING]
Well, look...

since we never
had success before,

maybe as a first step,
we should both
go get checked out.

Yeah. Checked out.
Good.

That way we'll know
if one of us has
a problem in that area.

Yeah. I mean,
it could be
your swimmers.

It could be your pool.

Well, whatever it is,
we'll find out,

and then we can take steps
to fix it.

You mean take steps
to fix the pool.

Or the swimmers.

You call
your pool guy.

Call your lifeguard.

Look, whatever it is,
we'll deal with it together.

We will. Now let's
just watch the movie.

Okay.

[MOVIE PLAYS]

Tsk. Pool.

Yes, yes! One big dog
and one little dog.

That's what
I want, too.

This is so great.

Our brains are
totally in sync.

I know!

Is yours thinking
about your boobs, too?

- Ugh!
- Sorry.

All I'll need now is
to see your driver's license.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I wanna put
my license on there, too.

No, you don't have to.

I'm driving.
I'm the man.

Of course you're the man.

I was just thinking
I should be able to drive

in case you have
to get out of the car

and kill a bear
or something...

That's...that's
a good point.

Plus, you'll be doing
a lot of driving

when we have our house
in the suburbs...

- With our two kids...
- And our two dogs...

It's so great
that we agree
on our entire lives!

I know, I know.
I'll go off to work,

and you'll drive
the kids to school
in the mini-van,

maybe do a little yoga,
a little shopping.

You come home,
walk the dogs...

Yeah. I don't know if
I'll have time for all that--
I'll be working.

I know, honey.
Raising a family
is a full-time job.

So is running your own
graphic design firm,

which is what
I'll be doing.

Uh, who's watching
the kids?

- We'll get help.
- No.

No, I don't want
a stranger

raising our kids.

She's not a stranger.

She's a delightful
English lady

who at times
may break into song.

Besides, we'll need
two salaries

to get the house
we want.

No, no, no. We don't want
a mortgage so big

that we both have to work.

Well, then you stay
at home with the kids.

No, I'm not staying home
with the kids!

You know how crazy
work is right now!

You know, maybe we
shouldn't go on this
damn romantic weekend.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Okay.
You're all set.

And here
are your keys.

We don't need the car.

No,you don't need
the car.

But I'm gonna drive around
while I'm still young

and strong enough
to kill a bear!

She's 60?

Hope you used protection

or you might've caught
osteoporosis.

Well, she was 39
when we got together.

And she was 39
and 10 seconds

when we finished.

- That's pretty weak.
- Oh, come on.

I was young. Plus, her cat
Snuffles was staring at me
the whole time.

Freaked me out.

I once dated a girl

whose dog would watch us
and bark.

Like he owned
that position.

Yeah. You don't expect that
from man's best friend.

It just bugs me
that there's some woman

floating around out there
saying I'm bad in bed,
you know?

Who knows
who she talks to.

Pharmacists...

Meals-on-Wheels guys...

Well, she was hot.

And she still...

looks good-ish.

Oh, God.

You're, uh...

you're not gonna do
what I think
you're gonna do...

[LAUGHS]
Yes, I am!

But I'm gonna do it better
than you think I'm gonna do.

I gotta set
the record straight
on this one.

Wow.

I'm torn between
"keep me posted"

and "keep it
to yourself."

[LAUGHS]

Can we get change
for a meter?

Hey, what's up, Meatwad?

[LAUGHS]

That one's mine now.

Hey...

Hey, if you guys want,
you can take the food to go

and eat in my car
while we drive around.

Yeah, I really wanna eat
my waffles off my lap

in a Ford Focus.

No, no.
I upgraded, man.

I got a Mustang.

Oh, you should've
said something--no.

I thought you and Jennifer
were going out of town
this weekend.

Yeah, well, we canceled
'cause we got in a fight.

- About what?
- Ah, you know...

Kids,
the house, money.

You got none
of those things.

Yet.

Anyway, she wanted
to turn the car in,

but I kept it
just to show her.

So, I win.

Ah, crap!
I'm getting a ticket!

Look at this guy.

Relationships
sound terrible.

You know what?
I still need
the thrill of the chase.

It's not much
of a chase

when both her hips
are titanium.

And once we have
the sample,

we'll check motility,

which is how well
they swim,

morphology,
where we look for
any abnormalities,

then we'll calculate the total,
which is determined

by multiplying
concentration by volume.

Growing up, I played
a lot of team sports,

and I always wore a cup,
in case that affects things.

That shouldn't be
a problem.

Shouldn't be
a problem.

Didn't think
it would be.

Okay, great. So, uh,
how much do you need?

Excuse me?

He's just
a little nervous.

Honey, you just do
your thing once,

and then they'll
take what they need.

Oh, okay. So, um,
can we have your office

for about ten minutes, doc?

Jeff...

Actually, we have
a private room

in which you can...
produce the sample.

- By myself...
- Yes.

The moment you've
been practicing for
all these years.

She's just kiddin'.
I don't...

It's fine.

Okay, I do.

In the room, you'll find
an assortment of visual aids.

- A sex magazine?
- Yes.

Nice.

Where are they stashed?

They're right there
in plain view.

Very nice.

I married him.

Wow...interview
with Brett Favre.

It was such
a nice surprise

to get a dinner invitation
from you, Russell.

Well, I figured
I owe you

for all
the butterscotch candy
you used to give me.

Plus, I thought it'd be
a good chance to catch up.

What a nice idea.

So, how is
good ol' Snuffles?

Oh, she passed on.

Old age. But you know,
she did have a litter.

Wait. Was the father
Mr. Balasko's Siamese?

- Yes!
- I knew something

was going on
with those two.

Oh, look. With your entree,
you have a choice
of soup or salad.

And what are the soups?

Split pea
and lobster bisque.

Both delicious choices.

I also enjoy chowder.

It walks that fine line
between soup and stew.

Look, why don't we
cut the crap.

We both know
where this is headed.

Yes, we do.

Check, please!

We haven't ordered yet.

Even better.

[SIGHS]

Come on, Jeff.

You don't have to read
all the magazines.

JEFF: Damn it!

You made me miss.

-What?
- You made me miss.

You knocked just as
I was teein' off,

and I shanked it.

Are younude?

If I'm gonna do this,
I'm gonna do it right.

And why did you knock?

Well, I'm sorry,
but you were taking forever.

I was romancing myself.

Why? You know
how easy you are.

With you, maybe.
With myself, I like
a little foreplay.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna take a quick nap

and then play the back nine.

How's the romantic weekend
with your car going?

It's going great.
Mm-hmm.

And it's good I kept it.
You know why?

Because I realized
that our relationship
is like a car.

We're assuming the ride
will be smooth,

but then we come out
of the diner

and our relationship
is being towed!

The car got towed?

Yes! Yes, it did.

Yeah. And--and you
and I arguing

over houses and kids?

I mean, it's--
it's stupid.

It's like me arguing
with the tow truck guy.

I mean, if it's a loading zone,
then it's a loading zone.

Adam, everything was fine
until we started arguing
about the future.

Yeah, the stupid,
stupid future!

We can't decide
everything right now.

It's like trying
to predict the weather.

They actually do that.

You know what I mean.

The important thing is
that wherever we go,

we're in this together,
even if it's places
that we don't expect.

Yeah, or even places
that scare us...

like an impound lot
under the West Side Highway.

I mean, why argue
about stuff in the future

when we have plenty
of stuff to argue about
in the present?

Yes, we do.

Like the stupidity
of you keeping the car!

Or the stupidity
of you leaving your shoes

all over
so I trip over them!

Or the stupidity
of you not looking down
when you walk!

Or the stupidity
of your pants being on
right now.

My pants?!
What about your pants?!

My God!
They are stupid.

- Bedroom?
- How about rental car?

And don't hold back!
I paid for insurance.

CONSTANCE: I'll be ready
in a minute!

I'm just taking
my blood pressure pills.

Okay!

[EXHALES]

You're a star.

You're a big, bright,
shining star.

Woo! Woo!

[GRUNTING]

Show me what you've learned
in the last 20 years.

Now the pupil...

has become
the teacher.

[MOANING]

- Son of a bitch.
- [HISSES]

[HISSES]

- [RUSSELL SCREAMING]
- [CAT HISSING, MEOWING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey.

Hey. The doctor's
called.

And?

And...I checked out fine.
Everything's working.

Good.

Good.

[SIGHS]
So...it's my swimmers.

Well, they're
just a little slow.

Come on!

Jeff, it is nothing
to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

We're talking about
my junk here.

I know. But it's very common
and easily treatable.

The doctor
gave me this list
of simple things

you can do
to just speed 'em up.

"Wear loose underwear."

Sometimes I wear
no underwear.

I know. The guys
you play basketball with
have complained to me.

Yeah, let 'em complain.
Nobody crowds me
under the boards.

"No hot tubs"?
What a gyp.

Just go to a bar

like a regular
softball team.

What's this?

It's an herbal powder
he recommends.

You mix it with water
and drink two a day.

Scotch has water in it.

All right.
What are we sayin' here?

Let's just say
you do the things
the doctor recommends and...

we'll see what happens.

Let nature
take its course.

Yeah.

You would be a great mom.

[SIGHS] You would be
such a great dad.

For a boy.

Or...a boy and a girl.

Come here.

Check this out.

Last night in bed,
Audrey bit me.

I got that beat.

Ah, yeah.

Bruise...

from the gearshift knob
of my rental car.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I think
we have a winner!

Did that happen
while you were
"driving Miss Daisy"?

Yeah. Her cat attacked me
right in the middle.

[LAUGHS]
Ooh, tough break, man.

Actually, it helped.

The searing pain
made me last longer.

She said I was the best
she ever had.

Congratulations.
I guess you closed
the book on that one.

That's right. I now have
100% customer satisfaction.

- Russell?
- Hey.

Constance.

Constance Williams!

I lived
in the building
you grew up in.

Yeah, I know.

You used to take care of
my cat Pickles.

Snuffles.

Why, I haven't seen you
in 20 years.

Hold on.
You do remember

our little liaison
we had, don't you?

Of course.

On your 18th birthday.

You were so cute
and so nervous,

and it was over
so fast.

[CHUCKLES]

Son...of a bitch.

[SIGHS]

Okay...