Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Birthday Deal - full transcript

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Hi.
- Hey, Jeff.

Just wanted to return this.

We borrowed it from
your lovely fiancée.

Oh,The Notebook.

Yeah,The Notebook.

Audrey made me watch it.

If you don't mind,
I'm gonna get a beer
and pour it in my eyes.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, Jennifer,
just returning your movie.

Didn't it make you
want to cry?



Constantly.

Tell Audrey
we're saving the date
for your birthday party.

Great. It should be fun.

That party's gonna suck.

Why?

Because I have to pay for it,

plus spend the whole night

worrying about people
spilling things,

stealin' my stuff.

Your friends sound
really cool.

Why don't you just tell Audrey
you don't want a party?

She loves throwing parties.
It makes her happy.

And if she's happy...

that's good for
my birthday deal.



Oh, yeah,
your birthday deal.

One year I complained too much.
She got mad.

Not good for the birthday deal.

You can't keep talking
about the birthday deal

without telling me
what it is.

What does Audrey do
for you every year?

I wish I could tell ya...
Can't.

If Audrey found out
I told someone,
the deal would be off.

I won't tell her.

Now that we're neighbors,

this is the kind of guy stuff
we should be talking about.

Instead of worrying
about my birthday deal,

why don't you get
one of your own?

Because I don't need one.

With Jennifer,
every day is my birthday.

Every day used to be
my birthday, too.

Could I have been
as stupid as you are?

If I needed a birthday deal,
I could get one.

Don't try to run
with the big boy.

I've been married
for twelve years.

You basically threw a ring
at a stranger.

She's not a stranger.

We've been together
for seven months.

- Plus, I didn't even
get her a ring yet.
- Why not?

I don't know what she likes.

We've only known each other
for seven months.

Wow. You clearly know
what you're doing.

Hey, not only
could I get a deal,

I could get one
that's better than yours.

What's yours?

Nice try.

I'm gettin' a deal.

And then every year
when I'm doin' it,

I'm gonna think of you.

I--I didn't say that.

I didn't hear it.

♪♪ How many ways
to say I love you ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
to say that
I'm not scared ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

A birthday deal, huh?

Yeah. Jeff's got one
with Audrey.

Yeah, I like it.

It's like a dirty pre-nup.

First I'm just gonna
float the idea,

see if she's receptive.

- Then we gotta figure out
what to ask for.
- We?

Yes, I'm in.
You're welcome.

Now, people's sex lives
don't seem to get wilder

when they get married.

My sex life with Jennifer
is fine.

Just ask our neighbors.

Oh, you bring them over
to watch?

No. No, they just heard...

through pre-war concrete walls.

I'm talkin' four solid inches.

We all agree your fiancée
is a horn dog,

which is why I think
we should ask

for the "Manitoba Sno-Cone."

Stop saying "we."

And I'm not asking for
anything off your list

of humorously named sex acts.

Why not? It took me ten years
to fill this thing out.

Ten beautiful years.

See if she's up for
the "Peppermint Bobsled."

No, I can't do that.
I love this person.

And this would ruin Christmas
forever.

It doesn't have
to be a candy cane.

It would help if we knew what
Jeff's deal with Audrey was.

What does that
giant gorilla get?

I asked him,
but he wouldn't tell me.

What's that?

He wouldn't tell me.

I'm sorry. I thought
we were living in America.

Has Jeff heard of
something called

the Freedom of
Information Act?

He told me that
if Audrey finds out
that he told anyone,

the deal would be off.

Fine. I'll find out
without anybody knowing.

Far be it from me
to jeopardize whatever

he does to his wife annually.

Uh, Russell, you don't know
that's what it is.

"Annually."

Oh.

Audrey, I forgot to tell you--

Russell overheard me
talking about Jeff's party,

and I didn't know if you were
planning on inviting him.

Yeah, he's comin'.

Not my idea.

So, what are you planning
for the party?

Oh, the usual Jeff-fest--

beer, shots, chips,
hot wings,

stadium rock
on the stereo.

Basically the home version
of Hooters.

Not the party I'd throw,
but whatever.

Why don't you throw
the party you want to?

It's Jeff's birthday, you know?

He doesn't even care
what kind of party it is.

He doesn't...care
what kind of party it is--

Why don't I throw
the kind of party I want?

Exactly. It doesn't
have to be Jeff-Fest.

Why not "Audrey-gras"?

'Cause that means "fat Audrey."

Hey. You know what
I just realized?

My birthday's coming up.

You know, in the seven months
we've been together,

we haven't had a birthday yet.

Two big, fun days
to look forward to.

I'm glad you feel that way.

What do you think about
doing something really
special for me?

Sure. What did you
have in mind?

Well, something
in the bedroom department,

a little something
I'd get annually.

Once a year.

Why? Is there
something you want to do
that we're not doing?

No, no. I have no complaints.

Well, that one time
you bit my shoulder

and you drew blood.

But, hey, you know?
That's just the cost
of doing business.

I just thought it would be fun
to have a special...

birth--birthday deal.

That does sound fun.
I want one.

You do?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's great!

That's--I love you!

Oh, and let's say
nothing's off-limits.

Definitely let's say that.

Okay.

I am going to
think about mine
while I'm showering.

Okay. I'm going to
think about you showering

while I'm thinking about mine.

Two birthday deals.

Suck on that, Jeff.

If you're serious about buying
I'll get up, but...

it's not very comfortable.

Hey...

where are the girls?

They're shopping for
mojito glasses.

They're doing
a whole Cuban theme
for my party.

Doesn't sound like your style.

What do I care?
As long as Audrey's
in a great mood

at the end of the party.

Which brings me to my news.

I am now the proud owner
of not one...

but two birthday deals.

Two. No way.

That's right.
What's the matter?

Is my two a little hard
for you to swallow?

Anyway, uh...

I'm gettin' one,
and Jennifer wants one, too.

And get this:
Nothing is off limits.

[CHUCKLING]

Yeah.

You're playing with fire.

How so?

I didn't get a birthday deal

until I'd been married
for six years

and our relationship was stable.

You've known Jennifer
for what, twenty minutes?

Do you really think
you're ready to hear Jennifer's
wildest, craziest fantasy?

Yeah!

The crazier, the better.

Really?

Aren't you worried
she'll want something
so disturbing

you won't be able to
look at her

when you're having brunch
with your parents?

Come on...

I mean, how weird
can it be?

Well, apparently
nothing's off limits.

By the way,
whose idea was that?

Hers.

Like I said,
you're swimming
with sharks.

You said I was
playing with fire.

You are...

and the sharks
don't like it.

You're right.

If Jennifer asks for
something really disturbing
for her birthday deal,

I don't know how
I'll handle it.

My guess is, not well.

Maybe I'm worried
about nothing.

What's the worst
she can ask for?

Props, you in
a cheerleader outfit,

a third party involved,

not necessarily a lady.

It's not that I'm scared
to do something kinky
or different.

I've done plenty of that.

What's bothering me
is that Jennifer's
going to be my wife,

the mother of my children.

We're gonna grow old together.

What kind of kinky stuff?

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, sweetie.

Come with me a second.

I wanna show you
this French press
I wanna buy.

French press,
what's that?

What're we gonna do
with that?

What's that?

It's stuff for your party.

- Both carts?
- Yeah.

We got this really cool pitcher
for the mojitos,

and some funky little glasses,
and glass swizzle sticks,

and these bowls with
palm trees on them.

Why do we need all this stuff,
and what's this costing me?

I don't care.

For once I would like
to throw a party

that does not end
with you in prison

behind a wall
of empty beer cans.

Yeah... Alky-traz.

This year we're
doing it my way.

It's bad enough
we have to have
all those people over--

Jeff, please. You see
how excited I am
about doing this?

Please don't ruin it
for me.

Ruin it. I'm not...

ruinin' anything.

You stay excited, because
I am totally on board.

I love these things!

Is that per bowl?

Hey, you.

I think everyone's
really liking
the Cuban theme.

We should throw parties
like this more often.

Perhaps we should.

You really having fun?

If I was having any more fun,
I'd explode...

killing everyone here.

Hey, Russell.

I gotta talk to you.

By the way,
I was snooping around,

looking for
birthday deal clues,

look what I found--
excellent!

Audrey probably
spanks him with it,

scratches his monkey chest,
slaps him around--

Russell, come on, come on.

This whole birthday deal thing's
driving me crazy.

Jeff thinks I'm in over my head.

Don't listen to Early Man.
This is a good thing.

Yeah, but what if
what Jennifer wants is...

[WHISPERING]
disgusting?

[WHISPERING]
Then you win.

No. No, I don't.
Look, you're single.

You can do anything you want
with a girl

because by the next morning,
you're gone.

Next morning?

- Later that night?
- Mmm.

Whatever!

You never have to
see her again.

I'm with Jennifer forever.

Right. Therein, my friend,
lies your problem.

By the way, that...thing?
It's a scoop for the litter box.

Is it now?

Take care.

- Hey!
- Hey. Hi!

So I think I know what
I want for my birthday deal!

You do?

I'm just worried
that mine might be
a little messy.

Messy. How?

It involves oil and some
other sticky liquids.

It could ruin the sheets.

Okay. Oil and sticky liquids.

Oil and sticky liquids.

Oil...

Oil and sticky liqui--

The "Santa Fe Funnel Cake."

Hey, Audrey.

Hello, Russell.

Anyway...

Big night for Jeff,
wouldn't you say?

Yes. It's his birthday.

Yes, it is.

So, are you gonna
get him a special present?

Uh, this party.

And?

Hmm?

Hmm?

I think we're done here.

Come on!

[SIGHS]

Hey, birthday boy!

How's it goin'?

Better now.

So, I got you a present.

[CHUCKLES]

How'd you like some details

of a little chickie
I was with last week?

That would be
a very thoughtful gift.

All right.

I tell you what.

I'll give you
some juicy deets

if you tell me
what your birthday deal is.

No.

Maybe I'll just ask Audrey.

That would be a very poor
and unhealthy decision.

Think so?

Imagine the Wilkinsons' surprise

when I pound you
through the floor

and into their living room.

Gyeahh...

somebody get a Soloflex?

I'm sorry.
Would you like
some champagne?

Champagne?

[PINGS]
A real glass.

Great! It's fantastic.

What're you doin'?

This is really good champagne.

Why are we giving this
to our friends?

Because it's your birthday.

Look at all these bottles!

I tried to bite my tongue,
but I--I'm sorry.

This is way too much.
This night must've
cost a fortune.

Why do you always have to
put a price tag on things?

Because "things" cost money.

I'm just sayin' we could've
done this party for a lot less.

Fine. I give up.

You know what's ironic?

That champagne was for
a toast I was going to give

to tell all our friends what
a sweet, special generous man
you are.

I guess I can't do that now,
can I?

Excuse me, everyone.
I'd like to make a toast.

I'd like to thank you all
for coming to my party,

but more importantly,

I would like to
take a moment
to thank Audrey

for all her hard work
in putting it together.

It's much nicer
and classier than I deserve,

but, then again...
so is she.

Audrey, would you
come here for a minute?

To Audrey.

ALL: To Audrey!

[GLASSES CLINKING]

Finish every drop.

Seriously,
it's very expensive.

That was a great party.

Yes, it was.

I have decided what
I want for my birthday deal.
Have you?

Shall I go first?

Yeah. Let's do this.

Okay...

On my birthday every year...
I want...

a foot massage as soon
as I wake up,

then breakfast in bed,

fresh homemade
blueberry pancakes

with expensive champagne
and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Then a back massage.

Then I go back to sleep
and you clean the apartment.

Then when you're finished,
you come back to bed...

you get under the covers...

and we watch The Notebook.

That's it?
No crazy sex fantasy?

No.

Why not?

Because sex-wise I can get
anything I want from you

any day of the year.

I mean, I'm a girl
and you're a guy.

That's true.

So, for my birthday,
I should get something

I can't get any other day
of the year.

So that's it.

Oh...that's the girl
I'm gonna marry.

I love you.

So, what's yours?

Oh! I wrote it down.

The Velvet Hat Trick?

Yeah. The description's
on the back.

Oh, that's not how I do it.

I wish you'd let me
tell people

that your birthday deal
involves coming here

to recreate our first date.

People should know
how sweet you are.

It's best if only you know.

Even that's pushin' it.

I'm going to
the ladies' room.