Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 1, Episode 3 - Young and the Restless - full transcript

Coffee to go, please.

Adam?

Oh, hey, guys.

How's it going?

Ah, I'm tired.

I haven't gotten any sleep

since I moved in with Jennifer.

All right.
Up top, brother.

No, it's--it's not that.

The problem is
her tiny bed.

There's no space.
That girl's all
knees and elbows.



Get a bigger bed.
We've had one
for ten years.

We're like boxers.

When we're done mixing it up,

we like to go
to our own corners.

And the rounds never last
more than three minutes.

If you want more
than three minutes,

then be ready
more than three minutes
before Sports Center.

Or be willing
to face that direction.

Hey.

Record Sports Center.

You won't have to rush.

I work better
with a deadline.

He does.

Uh, I'll think about
that bigger bed thing.



Apple pie
for breakfast?

Here's my thinking
on that.

You'd be fine
if I ordered
apple Danish

which is basically
flat apple pie.

Good use
of your brain.

Oh, whoa.

What?

Hey, Audrey.
Magilla.

Russell.

This is my new friend,
Dani.

Dani, this is Jeff,
Audrey.

Hi, nice to meet you.

- Pleasure's mine.
- Hello.

It's okay,
he's a gentle giant.
Don't be afraid.

[LAUGHS]
Good stuff, Russell.
Good stuff.

Well, I am going to
meet you at the table

'cause I have to go to
the little girl's room.

Ooh, okay.

Russell...

Is it bring your daughter
to work day already?

No, but I get it.

Hey, guess what.
She's a lifeguard.

Lucky drowning victims.
How old is she?

Don't you mean
how old isn't she?

[LAUGHS]

Just kidding.

But seriously,
call Jack Bauer

because she's 24.

24? Whoa.

Sit down and eat, Jeff.

How old now.
How'd you do that?

How'd a guy your age
pull that off?

Age is not an issue.

Mostly because
I lie about it.

It's a good system.

You may possibly
be my new hero.

Hey, I'm flattered.

Listen, I gotta go
read the menu to Dani.
See ya.

Ah, you keep up
the good work, Dani.

Lifeguards are the doctors
of our beaches.

Okay, we're good.
Beat it.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Where's my pie?

You're warming it.

And now it's a Danish.

Sorry.

I don't think
I deserved a pant load
of apple pie.

Uh, you did.

I can't believe you--

Is that crust
on your face?

You ate the butt pie?

It was paid for.

Look, I don't expect you
not to find other women
attractive,

but is our relationship
at a point where you
feel comfortable

doing it in front of me?

All right, you're right.

I was pretty rude.

And I'm sorry.

And just so you know,

you don't have to worry.

I would never leave you
for a 24 year old.

[SNORTS LAUGHTER]

Thank you.

That is a load
off my mind.

- You're being sarcastic.
- I am.

Because you don't think
I can attract a 24 year old.

Not even if you
were wearing a suit

made out of Justin Timberlake.

You're forgetting
you were 24

when you fell for my charms.

Oh, your charms?

When I first saw you,
you were screaming

at a girl
for over pumping the keg.

It was gonna be
all foam!

You know what...

you believe what you want
to believe.

You're just lucky
there's no way
we can prove it.

Maybe there is.

What are you talking about?

I'll give you one night.

Go out,
take off your wedding ring,

and try to get
a young girl's phone number.

You do not want me
to call your bluff.

Oh, I'm not bluffing.

But if you don't want
to embarrass yourself
by trying,

I would totally
understand.

Let's make it a bet.
What are we playing for?

There, uh,
should be something at stake.

Oh, something is.

Your dignity.

Yeah, like I've
never lost that before.

♪♪ How many ways
to say I love you ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait for me
and you ♪♪

Huh!

What do you think?

A new queen size bed.

Oh, this is great!
I thought we couldn't
afford one.

We can't.

It's my old bed.
I got it out of storage.

Wow. I forgot
how comfortable it is.

Yeah. You know
when we got it,

Sonia wanted
to get the cheaper one,

but I convinced her
to go top of the line.

Pretty smart, huh?

Sonia?

Who?

Your ex-girlfriend, Sonia?

Was she?

I cannot sleep
or do other things

in a bed you bought
with your ex.

Honey, you already have.

But I didn't know it then.
That was when we were dating.

Now we're engaged, and this is
our apartment-- this can't be
our bed.

Come on, I'm not
getting any sleep
in the little bed.

The little bed
is killing me.

I'm sorry, Adam.
It needs to go.

Why? You didn't have a problem
with the chair I brought over.

That's because you and Sonia
didn't have sex on it.

Okay, the chair goes, too.

Come on, Jennifer.

Look, I know
it's irrational.

But every time
I got into that bed

I'd feel like Sonia
was in it with us.

Really?

What? No, I was just
thinking about...

you're so pretty.

Look, let's just
buy a new bed.

No, no. When we got engaged,
we agreed we wouldn't start
our life together in debt.

We don't need
that pressure.

Well, what are we
gonna do?

Look, let's just...

Let's just go back
to your old bed, okay.

Okay.

Sorry.

I wish I were
as secure as you.

What do you mean?

Why am I secure?

Well, because I can't
deal with Sonia in your bed,

but you're fine
with all the guys
who've been in mine.

"All the guys."

Those were her words.

[WHISTLES]

Yeah.

Wow.

You know it's more than two,

or she would have said both.

And that's just
in that bed.

Home games, road trips,
we'll have to estimate.

Yeah. How old do you think
she was in her rookie year?

Like 16, 17?

Let's make it 18.
Keep it legal.

All right, hey, guys,
thanks.

I--I fell much better now.
You can stop.

You test drove
a Ferrari.

You bought a Ferrari.

Now you're shocked
you're driving a Ferrari?

Yeah, where do you think
she was when you met her?
A, uh...

What's a car that hasn't
had tons of sex?

You guys are great.

I'm gonna go
walk this off.

That a boy!

[LAUGHS]

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

What are we,
gonna share a milkshake?

Get over there.

Hey, so, uh,
how's Dani?

She still does homework.
That's how she is.

Aren't you worried
she's going to find out
how old you are,

and you're gonna
look ridiculous?

Listen, you married guys
are always trying
to find a flaw

in my series of shallow
sex-based relationships
built on lies.

You're right.
It does sound perfect.

Is that supposed to be
sarcastic?

Not sure.

Hey, Adam told me
about the challenge
Audrey gave you.

I love it.
I know the perfect bars.

So what's the game plan?

I'm just gonna
be myself.

Ah, Operation Failure.
Good call.

You want some help?

I don't.

I'm sure you're lone wolf
on the make for all the honeys,

but this old hound
has still got some Hun in him.

Nice speech. None of it
from this century, but uh...

I admire your confidence.

Come on. Let's see some game.
Pretend I'm a woman.

Already there.

I'm trying
to help you out.

Gimme your opening line.

All right.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi, I'm Jeff.

Hey, Jeff.
I'm Laura.

Laura, pretty name.

From the Greek
meaning "fresh smelling."

Okay. Always comment
on a woman's odor.

That's good. You're gonna
do great out there.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Whoa, you look sharp.

Sure you don't
wanna call this off?

Because you bathed?

I don't think so.

What is that?
That some new cologne?

It's a man's
all over body spray.

You bought body spray.

It came in the newspaper.

Now, knowing all of this.

One last chance
to call it off.

No, no. I don't want
to call it off.

Why? Do you?

Does this answer your question?

I'm gonna need some butter.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Jeff.

I'm Beth.
I like your shirt.

Oh, thanks.
My wife bought it
for me.

Um, hold on, hold on.

I...when...

When I said wife,
uh...

I meant my dead wife.

Hi.

I'm back.

Whatcha doin'?

Still designing
the sales brochures

for those condos--look.

I don't like the way
we left things before.

Bup--bup--bup.

I've decided
nothing happened before.

We have a clean slate,
and to start...

I have Chinese food
and a movie.

Oh. Okay, I like it.

What movie did you get?

-Sideways.
- Oh, good, I love that one.

- You've seen it?
- Uh-huh.

Really? With who?

One of the guys?
One of the little bed guys?

What happened
to a clean slate?

You would
love a clean slate,
wouldn't you.

It was your idea.

Why "all"?

Why'd you have to say
"all the guys"?

It's a figure of speech.

Neither one of us
should have to apologize
for our pasts.

Why did you make me
get rid of the Sonia Bed
and chair?

Okay. You're right.

How about this?

I made you
get rid of two things
from your past,

so I'll get rid of
two from mine.

A picture from my trip
to Mexico with Jason.

The cookbook
with the first recipe
I made for Michael.

Both gone.

Now we're even.

Not...really.

I mean, Jason and Michael.

That's two relationships
to my one. So...

The guide book
I took to Barbados
with Ann.

Now we're even.

No.

Now it's three items
to two.

So...

From Nick
on Valentine's Day.

Three all.

Okay.

You wanna rumble?

This sexy, sexy
mix CD

made for me by Cindy
for our third anniversary
trip to Nantucket.

Where we had sex!

Steven.

Josh.

Alejandro.

I'm gonna go roll around
in the Sonia Bed.

You, uh, put that
on my tab.

Cheers.

I enjoy a cocktail.

I like a drink,
and I enjoy drinking it.

Big drinker.

You're welcome.
You enjoy that.

Hey, how's it going
old man?

What are you doing here?

I wouldn't miss this.

Hey, I'm a big drinker.
I'm actually a drunk.

Hey, where ya going?

That stuff's gold.

I'm a little rusty.
It's still early.

It's later than you think.

Ladies!

Check it out.
Here comes Plan B.

Hi.

Hi, you must be Jeff.
I'm Tawney.

Hello, Tawney.

Yeah, Tawney's
one of Dani's
little buddies.

Russell said
you used to live
with George Clooney.

Russell and I
need to talk.

Two seconds.
Two seconds.

[LAUGHS]

- She a hooker?
- You gonna have sex with her?

- No.
- Then she's not a hooker.

You say you're friends
with George Clooney,

you get a phone number--
real simple.

You think you have
to lie to get a number?

I've been watching you.
You do.

Don't you want
to prove Audrey wrong?

This is not about proving
to Audrey. It's about
proving to myself.

Am I past my prime?
Have I lost it?

Yes and yes.

All right.
I'll be with the girls.

I just don't know
what to do.

I mean neither of us
can change what we did
before we met.

Yeah.

You know, most people
deal with this stuff

before they get engaged.

You guys just dove in
after seven months.

Are you pregnant?

- No.
- It's okay if you are.

Just don't tell anyone
I gave you wine.

I'm not pregnant.

I just don't want
our insecurities
to mess things up.

I mean, Adam's the one.

And I had to chase him
for a while.

[LAUGHS]

Jeff pursued me.

'Course I was carrying
a three foot party sub
at the time so...

Did you guys have problems
dealing with your past?

Yeah, a little at first.

But the longer
you're with someone,

the stuff just fades away.

Yeah. I just have
to get Adam to see that.

Yeah.

I wish we were
secure as you and Jeff.

Well, don't
get too secure.

Then you start
taking your wife for granted

by drooling over some
24 year old right
in front of her.

So you sent him to a bar
without his wedding ring
to hit on young girls.

Yep.
[LAUGHS]

Guess you showed him.

I am not worried.

Jeff's a good looking guy.

In a statue on Easter Island
kinda way.

Plus, he's kind of
a doofus.

He walks around
singing Huey Lewis songs.

And the man can't
brush his teeth

without putting
his other hand
down his shorts.

Then as long as he's
down at that bar

singing and brushing
his teeth,

you have nothing
to worry about.

Ten minutes, and she
hasn't even maced him.

The old veteran
might still have it.

You know who
he reminds me of?

The 1977 World Series.

Reggie Jackson hit
three home runs.

I was there.

Wow!

Wait a second,
you weren't even born then.

You know what,
you're right.

You caught me.

It's time to come clean.

I was not there.

So this is your email,
your web address,
your screen name.

- Have a phone number?
- I don't give it out.

I'm sort of private.

But you seem
like a nice guy so, okay.

Hi, is this seat taken?

No.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Feel like buying a girl
a drink?

Well, sure.

What's a lady like you
doing in a place like this?

Oh, I had a fight
with my husband.

He was sort of
being a jerk.

- Is that right?
- Yeah. Yeah.

He met this 24 year old slut--

We don't know
she's a slut.

She's a lifeguard.

Are all lifeguards sluts?

I'm doing a thing.
All right.

As I was saying...

My husband
carried on about her
right in front of me

like I wasn't even there.

It made me feel
taken for granted.

Well, my wife thought
she was the only one

who could ever
find me attractive.

It made me
feel taken for granted.

She shouldn't
have done that.

He shouldn't have either.

Wanna go back to my place?

What kinda girl
do you think I am?

I'm hoping lifeguard.

Well, you know they are
the doctors of our beaches.

By the way,
get anybody's number?

Just yours.

Jack and Coke.
And a, uh, Cosmo.

Hey.

Hey.

Come here, I wanna
show you something.

Another box?

How much more stuff
do you have?

No, look,

this box is full
of our past, right?

Mmm. Yeah.

And this one's empty.

But...

The seashell we found
the first time
we went to the beach.

The matches
from the restaurant
where you proposed.

The bottle of wine
I drank tonight

trying to figure
this whole thing out.

Whoa, you drank
the whole bottle?

It took a lot of figuring.

My point is that one's
as full as it's ever
gonna get.

But this one,
we'll be adding to
for the rest of our lives.

And before we know it,
it'll be so full

that that one,
will seem like nothing.

You're the best.

And one brand new spatula.

What do you say we go make up
in our big queen sized bed?

[GASPS]
The Sonia Bed.

What do you say
we stop calling it
the Sonia Bed?

Yeah, uh, gotcha.

[SIGHS]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

Wow, is that really
how you dance?

No.

That's just a fake
old guy dance I do as a joke.

Wait a second.

You're not really 27,
are you?

You know what,
you caught me.

It's time to come clean.

I really dance like this.