Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Hey.

Hey, Russell.

Sorry I'm late.
I had a thing.

Yeah, I figured.

I ordered you
a burger.

Oh, you ordered for me?

Great. Why don't
we just make out?

Because I don't know
where you've been.

But I've got some news.

I moved in with Jennifer.

Why? When you
lost your sublet,



I said you could
stay on my couch.

Might wanna flip
the cushions first.

Yeah, this thing with
Jennifer isn't temporary,

because last night,
I proposed to her.

It gets worse!

What are you, the dumbest
idiot in the world?

Thanks for sharing
my happiness.

You've only known
her seven months.

You know what-- make
sure the baby's yours.

Make her take
a paternity test.

She's not pregnant.

Oh, shootin' blanks?

No, no, I proposed
because I love her.

That's so gay.



Being in love
with a woman is gay.

No, but saying it
out loud to another guy is.

Look, there's no wedding date,
no plans, no pressure.

I didn't even get her
a ring yet, man.

I've got the best
of all worlds.

There's only one world,
and I have the best of it.

I do what I want,
I date who I want,

and I sleep with
whoever will let me.

Look, I've had all that.

Okay, now I'm done.

Jennifer's the one.

I think you're
making a huge mistake.

Lockin' it down
with one chick

is a horrible, horrible--
Hey!

There's Little
Miss Sunshine.

Hey, guys.

Mwah. So did he tell you
he proposed?

Yeah, he did.

Oh, uh, hooray!

It's great news.

♪♪ How many ways
to say I love you ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
to say that
I'm not scared ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Jeff.

Audrey, did you
write a check?

Yeah, I did.

Well, you didn't
put it in the thing.

Now it's all...

Whatever.

It was for the exterminator
that was here last week.

It was, like, $60-ish...

Sixty-ish.

Well, great. Now we'll
just put that in here.

There, now the checkbook
is totally balanced-ish.

[LAUGHING]
You and that checkbook.

Hey, look, we got invited

to a really cool art opening
on Saturday night.

Yay, art.

They'll have an open bar.

I won't go there
for that reason.

Let's go invite Adam
and Jennifer to go with us.

When's Adam movin' in?

Honey, he moved in
a couple days ago.

I told you...
you don't listen

- to anything I say, do ya?
- I got a lot on my mind.

Uh, what did Derek Jeter
bat last season?

.309.

It's important.

Uh.

We don't have
any couple friends.

Jennifer's like
a little sister,

and you like Adam, right?

He's a good hang.

So right there,
there's a couple

in our building
that we don't hate.

Yet.

Honey, come on.

They're just starting out.

We need to set
a good example.

- Okay, big guy?
- Fine.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, is this right?

$85 for skin cream?

Oh! This stuff is amazing.

This is it.

$85 for that tiny jar?

What's in it, $80?

Look, you spent $109
on a robot dog.

There's no need to bring
Gizmo into this.

He's programmed for love.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna set up Russell
with my friend Karen.

Why? What'd she do to you?

I know he has
commitment issues,

but he's not a bad guy.

He just needs
the right woman to fix him.

I think he needs the right
veterinarian to fix him,

but go ahead, take a shot.

What's this?

What?

Is this a wedding gift
registry?

I mean, we just got engaged,
there's no wedding plans,

and you're already
pickin' out gifts?

I did it just for fun.

I'm excited, aren't you?

Mm, of course, just not
asparagus-steamer excited.

Look, we're in no rush
to get married.

Let's not worry
about it now, okay?

- Okay.
- [KNOCKING]

Oh, a cake plate.

Cake is fun.

- Hey, you!
- Hey, how are ya?

Oh, Adam, we are so
excited you're engaged.

You're living together!

So you guys going Dutch
on the rent, or what?

Anyway, we wanted
to know if you guys want

to go with us to an art
opening on Saturday night.

- Open bar.
- Sweet.

Sounds fun.
What are you gonna wear?

I'll probably buy
something new.

Of course.

I want you to take a look
at the new shoes I just bought.

I'm wondering
if they're too slutty.

- Are they clear?
- No.

Then they're
not too slutty.

Oh, well, you've got
a stain right there.

Oh, come on!

I got it from Audrey's
stupid bicycle.

She's never used it.
It's been hanging in
our hallway for two years.

Whoa, cool Mets stuff.

Thanks. I wanna
hang it in here,

but Jennifer wants me
to put it in my office.

We'll figure out
a compromise, right?

Oh, yeah, Audrey and I
compromise all the time,

like when we got
our first apartment,

she wanted
to get a cat.

And I didn't want
to get a cat,

so we compromised
and got a cat.

[LAUGHING] That's too bad,

but it's not
gonna happen to me.

Jennifer's allergic to cats.

So am I.

Well, then, why'd you
let Audrey get her way?

You have a biology textbook
around here?

Look, we're gonna find
a place for all my stuff,

and I'll get settled in.

[SIGHING] You know,
I think marriage

is gonna be really great.

Based on what?

Look.

Look at this.

Jennifer wants a cake plate
for our wedding.

There is going to be cake.

Yeah, sorry
to disappoint you,

but there's not
gonna be any cake.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean...

there's not gonna
be any cake.

No, no, look.

She signed up
for a cake plate,

so there's got
to be cake.

We have a cake plate,
12 years.

No cake.

How can that be?

I don't know.

We've also got a juicer,
no juice;

a waffle maker, no waffles;
quesadilla maker...

Uh, yeah, I like...

No, señor.

Well, that-- that
doesn't make any sense.

I know. Welcome aboard.

No, no, no, no, look!

I don't wanna be trapped
in a cakeless marriage!

Again, welcome aboard.

There has to be cake.

There will be cake.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, hon.

[CLOSES DOOR]

What are you doin' now?

Well, our place
is too cluttered,

so I want to get rid
of some stuff.

We can probably
sell this for money,

buy yourself a thimble-full
of that face cream.

My bicycle? No.

Absolutely not.
Put it back.

- You haven't used it
in two years.
- I'm gonna use it.

You always say that,
but you never do.

Jeff, if you
sell my bicycle,

you will never see
me naked ever again.

Oh, and the birthday deal?
That will be off.

With or without you,

the deal
will proceed forward.

Okay, what
brought this on, huh?

Well, Adam was telling me

how Jennifer won't let him
hang his Mets thing up,

- and dumb wedding gifts...
- Jeff, Jeff!

I told you not
to be a bad example!

Your bike's in the way.
I bump into it
all the time.

Well, maybe if you
hadn't sold your bike
two years ago,

we'd still be
riding together,
you'd be skinnier,

and you wouldn't be
bumping into it.

I get plenty of exercise.

Last Saturday, I went
9 for 17 in softball.

That's a lot of running.

Yeah,
and how many beers

did you have
after the game, huh?

Nine or 17?

I had maybe four...

and then three lite ones...

so five.

What does any of this
have to do with your bicycle?

Figure it out, Jeff.

Give me a clue.

Was that the clue?

Hey. Grocery delivery boy
is here.

Who am I, the lonely housewife
with no money to pay you?

Mm, I like that game,

but no, I actually
bought groceries.

I got flour, sugar, eggs,
butter, vanilla,

and this frosting
was on sale.

Just gonna put it all
right by this mixing bowl.

Are you gonna make a cake?

No. No, I thought
you'd like to make it.

Get a head start
on married life.

I'm watching the game,
I'm drinking a beer...

you're baking the cake,
the dog brings me my slippers.

In your version of marriage,
am I allowed to vote?

Yeah, honey, you can vote
while the cake is baking.

Adam,
I don't really bake,

and I haven't
planned on starting.

Well then, why'd you
sign up for a cake plate

on the wedding gift thing?

I don't know, I just...

What's going on?

Well, honey,
things are

happening pretty
quickly here,

and I thought that I'd
have my same nice life,

except you'd be in it,
which would make it better.

But now I can't
put my Mets thing up,

and I don't know
where my stuff's gonna go,

and I don't want a cat.

I'm allergic to cats.

Yeah, so's Jeff.

Adam, I don't know
what's happening here,

but shouldn't you have
thought about all this

before you proposed?

I wasn't thinking
when I proposed.

I just did it.

Is that right?

Well, you're obviously
thinking now.

Are you sure
you wanna get married?

Yes, I'm sure.

Should I follow you?

[DOOR SLAMS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

So, what, you moved
to New York

from Ohio to become
an actress?

Uh-huh.

Wow, that is a great plan.

I'm surprised more girls
don't do that.

You know,
you smell nice.

And this shirt--
what is it, cotton or rayon?

It's so soft.

Oh, wait,
that's your skin.

I should get back to work.

Let's talk later.

Oh, we will.

I wanna hear
all about Ohio...

You always have
to touch them.

I'd be stupid not to.

A touch says
"If you didn't think

I wanted to have
sex with you, I do."

You're here to meet
Jennifer's friend Karen,

so why even touch
the ditzy waitress?

Look, you're just jealous

'cause your hitting-on-
ditzy-waitress days are over.

They might not be.
Jennifer thinks I'm unsure
about getting married.

Well, are you sure?

Yeah, I am.

- Ooh, ya paused.
- I know, I keep doing that.

Oh, check it out.

[LIKE CAVEMAN]
Mongo like art.

Oh, here he comes.
I like Jeff. He's huge.

Hey, Russell, I saw you
talking to that waitress.

If anything happens there,
I'd appreciate some details.

No problem. If you want,

I'll set up a camera
and make you a tape.

[GIGGLING]

Yeah, it'd be funny
if he was kidding.

Hey, you don't need
Russell's stories.

I bet the love life
with Audrey's still good.

Actually, we've
sort of wrapped up

the sex portion
of the marriage.

It's...been replaced
by Letterman.

Ouch.

How many times a week--
four, five?

- Five.
- [APPROVES]

You're talking about
Letterman, right?

So, does Jeff at least get
why you're so upset

about him wanting
to sell your bike yet?

No, he doesn't get
that it's something

we used to do together.

I'm not gonna
explain it to him.

He's gonna have
to figure it out himself.

That may take a while.

Adam, getting engaged
is the right decision.

How long can you
prowl around bars,

slinging pick-up lines
and havin' emotionless sex?

I'll let you know.

I'm just saying,
you wrestle enough bears,

eventually you're
gonna get bitten.

Yeah, I wrestled
a few bears in my day.

Yeah. Wait, what
are bears, fat chicks?

But the thing is, you know,
I had a lot of fun being single.

I guess my question is

how do you know
when you're done?

Well, look, when you
find the right bear--

What is it with bears?

Were you raised by bears
or something?

You know, guys,
as helpful as this is,

I'm goin' to the bar.

Good, good.

You keep drinkin'
till you're happy.

Actually, that's good advice.
I'll take it.

So, have you figured out
why I'm so upset?

I have some theories.

How 'bout this urn, huh?

It's blowin' me away.

Hey, Russell.

This is my friend Karen.

Karen, Russell.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

May I take your coat?

Are you gonna
give it back?

If it doesn't fit.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Sarah.

I'm Adam.

That's a really
nice jacket, Adam.

Thanks.

Oh.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Um, I saw you
talkin' to Audrey.

She's still pretty made
about that bicycle thing,

so you could help me out.

Audrey wants you to figure
it out for yourself.

Not gonna happen.

That's hot.

I didn't know nurses
had business cards.

I started med school,
but took a break.

My dream is to become
a pediatric surgeon.

You dream of operating
on people's feet?

No, that's a podiatrist.

A pediatric surgeon--

- Uh. Ah...
- Ah, you're joking.

Are you ever serious?

Tried it once.
Wasn't funny.

Too bad.

I think serious
can be very sexy.

Seriously?

And all my friends
were always telling me,

"Sarah, the most interesting
things always happen to you.

You should write a book."

So, long story
short, ta-da!

I'm writing it.
It's fiction.

I've just changed the names
to protect the guilty.

Good idea.

It's sort of
Catcher in the Rye

meets Sex in the City.

I mean, I watch
that show, and I think,

"I am so Carrie!"

It's like her life
is my life is my life...

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

...is that there are
eight million people,

but it's so hard

to meet
the perfect person!

Yeah, it is.

Excuse me.

This looks like
it symbolizes

inner turmoil
and a sense of loss

and confusion.

What do you think?

I think a monkey
got into the paint.

Look, I'm sorry
I got so crazy.

I guess I'm just
a little scared.

Yeah, well,
I'm scared, too.

Why are you scared?

Because we did this
pretty quickly,

and we don't seem
to be seeing things
the same way.

We will, we will.
We just need time.

Are you sure?

Excuse me.

What do you see
in this picture?

I see a boat
on the Hudson River

on a summer day.

Yes, a boat
on the Hudson.

Thanks.

Yeah, we'll be fine.

All you do is
repeat what I say.

Have you had
an original thought

in the last 40 years?

And the hearing aid
goes off.

Don't you walk away
from me, you son of a bitch!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, take a look.

A bicycle web site?

Jeff, I told you,
you're not selling my bike.

I know I'm not--
I'm getting one

for myself,
so that we can ride

through Central Park
together like we used to.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Uh, after softball.

And not on Sunday
during football season.

Ah, that was nice.

You know, I'm glad I went.

I'm glad you did, too.

Hey, is it all right
if I sleep over?

Here?

Uh, sure.

Great, because my apartment
is really tiny,

and my roommate's
kind of a jerk.

It's like she puts all
her food on one shelf

of the fridge and tells
me not to touch it,

and I'm like--
I'm gonna get some water--

and I'm like, fine,
because I bring home

really great food from
some of my catering jobs,

and I don't let
her have any.

It's not like I want
any of her food, anyway.

I mean, she eats
all this organic stuff

and last week she
became a vegan.

I don't even know
what that is,

because I grew up
in Cleveland
and we ate hotdogs.

But I think she eats
some of my food, anyway,

because last week I brought
all these giant shrimp home,

and I counted 'em
before I put 'em in the fridge,

and the next day,
two were gone.

Wait, did you just drink water
and never stop talking?

Oh, yeah, I guess I did.

You wanna do it again?

Yes, I do.

Wow.

I just kept going,
didn't I?

Thank you, open bar!

Hey, you wanna
do it again?

[SNORTS]

Again.

Remember that?

Oh, yeah,
that's so good.

Oh, let me
just lick that.

There you go.

Mmm.

Delicious cake.

[LAUGHING]

Now that we're done
with the cake,

we can have dessert.

Actually,
I'm really tired.

Okay if we wait
till tomorrow?

It already is tomorrow
under these sheets.

Come on, I'll make it
worth your while.

All right, fine.

We have the rest
of our lives to do this.

I think we're gonna
be really happy.

Me too.

Here.

You can watch
Letterman.

[BAND PLAYS]

Letterman?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]