Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 6 - Episode #6.6 - full transcript
- Hey, Willie,
let's blow this joint.
- OK.
(audience laughing)
- Gee, this is more
serious than I thought.
I'll have to take
it into the shop.
- Don't worry, kid, the
syndicate told the other
fighter to take a
dive in the fifth round.
- Oh yeah, well, they told
me to take a dive in the fourth.
- OK, you'll beat
him for one round.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Captain,
long time no see.
- No sea, you got it.
- I don't care what.
I'll call you later.
- Excuse me, Harry.
- Yeah.
- Could you give me a lift home?
- Oh, sure.
- Good.
(audience laughing)
- I went to the race
track the other day.
I bet on a horse called Xerox.
He came in first,
second, third, fourth, fifth.
- I picked up a hitchhiker
the other day and I got hernia.
Next time I'll use a car.
- Before we go on stage,
let's compare notes.
- Oh, OK.
(high pitch singing)
(wailing)
- Oh, say, could
you send me abroad?
- The nerve of that witch doctor
threatening to
turn us into frogs.
- (laughs) Ah, well,
forget about that.
I'm hungry, let's go get a bug.
(audience laughing)
- You don't look so good.
What's the matter?
- Well, I just can't
seem to shake this cold.
(audience laughing)
Oh, thank you.
- I bought this can of air
freshener for our church.
- Oh good, maybe that'll
get rid of the pews. (laughs)
(phone rings)
- Chuck Witbeck School of
Ventriloquism, can I help you?
- [Henny] Hey, Miss.
- Hey, I know you.
You're the famous
comedian, Henny Youngman.
- That's right,
that's me and I'd
like a Boston cream pie, please.
- You got it.
(applause)
- [Gary Voiceover] You're right,
it's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In.
(applause)
- Thank you.
Thank you, and now.
It is now time, Dick, for us to
introduce our
special guest tonight.
- That's true, it's
that zany, kooky star
of All in the Family,
Ms. Jean Stapleton.
- Jean Stapleton.
(applause)
Jean, it is so great to have
you on the show tonight.
We've really been
looking forward to this.
- Well, I have, too.
- Tell me, Jean, what makes
All in the Family so popular?
- Well, it's simple.
A lot of people watch it.
- Yeah, but why do so
many people watch it?
- Well, why shouldn't they?
It's a very popular show.
- At last, somebody on
the show who makes sense.
- You mean you understand
what she just said?
- Perfectly.
- Is he always this dumb?
- Yeah, he's a regular dingbat.
- Hey, now wait a minute.
- Stifle, stifle.
- Yeah, we've got a
show to do you know.
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Securities Investment
Commission and Penny Arcade.
NBC the noble, but cheap
network tries to keep its overhead
underfoot by presenting
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
staring we're showing
a profit, Dan Rowan,
and the total loss, Dick Martin.
With guest star Jean Stapleton.
Plus, Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Ian Bernard and
his Irvine Quickies.
And your guests Bill Bixby,
Jack Carter,
Henny Youngman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this advice for people
overwhelmed by endless payments.
Why not seek relief
and consolidate all
those separate nagging
little debts by making
one single loan and
then skipping town.
Thank you.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
And now back despite
popular demand,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- They can stop anytime.
Thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Hold it, just a second.
Just a second.
- What's the interruption for?
- I will bet you $20 that
you can't guess what I am.
- Well, anybody that'd
make a bet like that's
either a jerk, a
fool, or a lunatic.
- OK, which one is it?
- I don't have time for all.
Just tell me what you are.
- I are a race car
driver and owner.
- You are?
- I are.
- You am.
- I am.
- Yes.
You own a race car?
- As a matter of fact I do.
I just bought half
interest in a race car.
I own half a race car.
- Half?
- Well, who owns the other half?
- Well, if you play your
cards right, you can.
My half's right out in front.
- Your half is out,
well, where is my half?
- You know where the
Indianapolis Speedway is?
- Yes, I do.
- Well, your half is
right in the first six rows
and in the concession
stand mixed up
with the popcorn and in Chicago.
- You don't know
anything about racing cars.
You don't know the
first thing about it.
You've never even been to a.
Do you have a pit crew?
- I certainly do,
they're in the pit.
- Well, I know
they're in the pit.
- Just yesterday
we were practicing.
You know I made
a pit stop in 40...
- You did what?
- Pit stop.
Try that three times quick.
Pit stop, pit stop.
- All right, you
made a pit stop.
- I made a pit stop
in 45 minutes flat.
- 45 minutes, what
took you so long?
- Well, it took them 30 minutes
to change the seat covers.
- Seat covers?
- Oh, I have plaid ones now.
Yes, then they
had trouble getting
the car back on the track.
- What was the matter?
- Well, the lead dog was
exhausted, you know?
His tongue was out.
- Your race car
is pulled by dogs?
- Well, I had no choice.
The cat has a hernia.
- [Dan] Why don't
you get a motor?
- Because they make
lousy pets, that's why.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
- It does?
- Excuse me,
did I hear this young
man say that made sense?
- You did.
- Sir, how would you like to buy
some swampland in New Jersey?
- Well, as I was saying...
- Aren't you even gonna
ask me if I ever won a race?
- No.
- Glad you asked.
I raced at the Indianapolis 400.
- That's 500.
- I got 20% off.
- That's 25%.
- Who can add?
- Now that makes more sense.
- Excuse me, he said
that again, didn't he?
It made sense?
- Yes, he said that.
- Sir, how would you
like to buy a half interest in
a boatload of costume jewelry,
or maybe a cat with a hernia?
(laughing)
- Excuse me, I bet I
know where you're going.
- Where?
- You're going bowling.
- No, I'm going to the doctor.
I have a bowling ball
stuck on my hand.
- Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
- What?
- Could you please
push down on that?
- Sure.
- Bang!
- Say, I finally
figured out why all
that water's draining
out of your sink.
- Well, what's causing it?
- There's a hole in it.
- All right now, let's
check things off.
- All right, let's
see, I got guns.
- Uh huh.
- I've got food.
I've got maps.
- Right.
- I've got rhythm.
- Right.
- I've got music.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've got my guy.
Who could ask for anything more
- Ah, we're doing all right.
I hear people out there saying
the champ ain't got a chance.
- Yeah, you're
forgetting one thing.
- What's that?
- You're the champ.
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry, Mr. Irving,
but even if you could prove
you had an interview with him,
I mean, nobody's
gonna buy a new bible.
- I met my wife when we
were both working in the circus.
She was a tightrope
walker and I fell for it.
- No, I'm sorry, Mr. Kissinger,
but you can't list the Folies
Bergère as one dependent.
- If it was up to me, I'd
do away will all forms
of prejudice and
short Romanians.
(audience laughing)
- Sir?
- Huh, oh.
- Would you like your
coffee served in here?
- Oh, yes, Anderson,
serve it here.
- Very good.
- Oh.
- Hi, how are you?
Hi. (giggles)
Boy, I just love living
here in a singles building.
But you know, really,
sometimes it can be embarrassing.
- How?
- Well, I mean, do you know
what happened last night?
You know that cute
guy next door to me?
Well, he walked
in on me right in
the middle of an
obscene telephone call.
- Well, what's so
bad about that?
- He was the one I was calling?
- And now for today's horoscope.
If you are a Sagittarius,
a pygmy will offer to sell
you the Taj Mahal and
Northern Africa for $2.75.
Be careful, it may be a trick.
- Well, my flower, what
seems to be the problem?
- I hear music and
there's no one there.
- I smell blossoms
and the trees are bare.
All day long I
seem to walk on air.
I wonder why.
I wonder why!
- Is there anything else?
- Yes, there is.
I keep tossing in
my sleep at night
And what's more
I've lost my appetite
Stars that used to
twinkle in the skies
Are twinkling in my
eyes I wonder why
- Well, you don't
need analyzing.
It's not so surprising.
As you feel very
strange, but nice
Your heart goes pitter patter
I know just what's the matter
Because I've been
there once or twice
Put your head on my shoulder
You need someone's who's older
A rub down with a velvet glove
There is nothing you can take
To relieve that pleasant ache
I'm not sick, I'm just in love
- [All] One more time
I'm not sick, I'm just in love
- Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta
She's not sick,
she's just in love
(audience laughing)
- Friend of mine went
nuts because of his job.
He was supposed to
throw out the garbage
at a boomerang factory.
A friend of mine went
nuts because of a job.
We was supposed to throw out.
(funky upbeat music)
- This must be the
age of permissiveness.
I know one motel
that won't let you
check in if you have luggage.
They're afraid
you'll stay all night.
(funky upbeat music)
- You know, Sarah, our
town's all set for the election.
- Really?
- Yeah, we finally automated.
- Well, good.
- We got a new
machine that's gonna
make voting a lot easier.
- Well, how does it work, Jud?
- Well, you put your
pencil in, turn the crank,
and you're all set
to mark your ballot.
(funky upbeat music)
- No, thank you, Mary.
Jean, what do you think of a
woman becoming president?
- Well, it's better than the
president becoming a woman.
(funky upbeat music)
- I think that some
members of the clergy
are a little too progressive.
- Well, why do you say that?
- Well, I just heard
that the Reverend
Branigan gave
up religion for Lent.
(funky upbeat music)
- Mary.
- Hi, Dennis.
- Listen, how
about a little drink?
- Oh great, make it a double.
- OK.
There you are.
(funky upbeat music)
- I mean really, Jan, I
don't think the schools
today are doing such a good job.
My nephew has been in
the sixth grade for two years
and I think it's a darn shame.
And so does his wife.
(funky upbeat music)
- Welcome to room 407.
- Dick, when I go out
with a guy on a first date,
I don't allow kissing.
- Oh good, let's skip the
kissing and get to the good stuff.
(audience laughing)
(funky upbeat music)
Hey, a friend of mine
had a car for only
Three days before
it was recalled
- You mean by Detroit?
- No, man, by the fuzz.
(funky upbeat music)
- A guy called me up the
other day while I was in
the bathtub and invited me
to a come as you are party.
Well, I had a great time,
but it was really difficult
carrying that bathtub
around all night long.
(funky upbeat music)
- Listen, I'm gonna
tell you one thing.
The Nixon
administration has caused
a resurgence of
religion in this country.
Why, every day
people get down on
their knees and
pray for lower taxes.
(funky upbeat music)
- Jean, tell me,
do you think that
priests should be
allowed to marry?
- Marry?
I don't think they should even
be allow to date each other.
(funky upbeat music)
(applause)
(lively music)
(audience laughing)
We are making
movies by the seashore
We are Mr. Senate's
bathing girls
In these suits we're
sorry you can't see more
Than a little ankle
and some curls
What's the news, what's the news
What's the news cross the nation
We have got, we have got
We have got
information And a way
What a way Such a
way that's amusing
We just hope, we just hope
That it isn't confusing
We just love, really love
Dearly love to
give you our views
Da da dee da
Mermaids, lifeguards
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dick and Dan
and Dan and Dick - OK.
- [Gary Voiceover] And
now the Laugh-In News
with Billy Brandt in Germany,
(mumbles) in Normandy,
Pope Paul in Italy,
and Ed McMahon in Burgundy.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- First, these news headlines.
- Pennsylvania Dutch
merge with Blacks.
Group's known as
Amy Shu-nan-dee.
- That's Amish.
- Amish Shu-nan-dee.
(audience laughing)
- John Wayne, mad at Texas,
punches Rio Grande
River in the mouth.
- Woman runs off with
steam roller operator.
Leaves husband flat.
(audience laughing)
- How come you
get the good ones?
And now with the
news of the present,
we have good news and bad news.
And speaking of bad
news, here's Dick.
- All right.
At NBC today, Oral
Roberts called in sick.
NBC Vice President David
Tebet immediately proclaimed,
"Let there be reruns."
(audience laughing)
Cut.
(audience laughing)
News of the present,
Washington, DC.
Perry Waldo Lafferty of
the gay liberation party
today announced he would run for
the presidency of the
United States in 1976.
I won't mince words, he said.
- [Dan] You can bet me.
- My first official
act after taking office
will be to change the national
anthem from Star Spangled
Banner to the Dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
(audience laughing)
- Years in the future
40 years from today,
senior citizen Ralph Nader
sat with newsmen for over
three hours last night
recalling the good old days.
Think about it, you see, he
recalled the good old days.
Well, it's no steam
roller, but its. (laughs)
News of the future
20 years from now.
In a continuing effort
to combat pollution,
the oil companies
have introduced
a new fuel which is 90% alcohol.
Preliminary tests indicate
that not only is pollution
as bad as ever, but every
time the smog gets bad,
people put on party
hats and run into
the streets saying,
"Melancholy baby."
- Now to jolly old
Richard Dawson
for the senior citizens report.
- OK, Barb, you got the job.
I have to go on the air now.
There goes the light.
There's old news tonight.
75 year old Emma
Smith, a resident
at the senior citizen's home,
oh, was molested
early last night.
The IMS posted a
reward for the molester.
Anyone knowing a
word about the molester,
please tell him to
contact Emma Smith
and pick up his reward.
Also, the snaps that Emma
took, they turned out fine.
Now back to Bashful and Dopey.
- Now for news from
the world of sports
with Jud Strunk in Farmington.
Take it away, Jud.
- Hey there, this is Jud Strunk,
your sports commentator
from the sports capital
of the world, Farmington, Maine,
bringing you
another sports first.
I'm telling you, you have
never seen nothing like this.
This is a cannonball catch.
Now, this week, the Carrabassett
Cannonball Catching Team
is gonna try and catch some
cannonballs with one hand.
They're loading them
in the end of the shoot
and they're gonna blast
them right out of there.
And they gotta pick
them up going backwards.
Now you watch and
see if they can do it.
Let's see the first guy.
Roll 'em, boys.
(whistles)
They're a little
late on their stack.
OK, they're backing up to it.
Here comes Sly and Slim
Slopen from Skowhegan.
He's gonna give it one try.
He caught it, right
down the button.
Here comes Sly and Slim again
and I think he might
have it right in his hand.
What do you think about that?
Here comes Angry Ed Askwith.
He's mean, but good.
Former choir master.
He didn't do too bad.
I think, I think, this is...
Tiptoe Thompson.
Learned all he knew from
the Bangor Ballet Russe.
Coming up this time is Reverend
Wheeler right on his knees.
Look at that.
Holy roller.
One more time and he's got it.
Back to you Dan
and Dick. (whistles)
- For more show business news,
our special reporter,
Dorothy Manners.
- In the wake of continuing
publicity concerning
his centerfold photo,
Burt Reynolds today
revealed his intentions to
sue Cosmopolitan Magazine
for not showing his best side.
- Here's Dr. Martha Welby
with the medical news.
- Due to the high
cost of medicine,
the AMA has announced
that from now on
doctors must prescribe
drugs by the generic name
rather than the more
expensive brand names.
For example, a $10 a
pill by di-o-sul-fa-fu-nite
will now be available
for one cent a pill
under its more common
name, Good and Plenty.
- Now, we go to Willie Tyler
and Lester with the Black News.
- I'm Willie Tyler from
the Black News desk.
- Yeah, and I'm Lester.
I used to be the
Black News desk.
- Black singer Henry
Jones of Lafayette, Michigan
filed a personal injury suit
today against his local barber.
- Yeah, Mr. Jones claimed
that when his barber
cut his sideburns,
his natural fell off.
Funny, keep going.
- OK, Mayor Lindsay of New
York announced today that crime
and violence have been
removed from Harlem streets.
- Doing all right, man.
And put back into the
Harlem alleys where it belongs.
Now back to you Dark and Tan.
- Wait a minute, hold it.
That's Dick and Dan.
- Just trying to add a
little local color, baby.
(audience laughing)
- Now, our small
town reporter at large,
Donna Jean Young
in East McKeesport.
- The head of our mafia
in East McKeesport
is an... His name is (laughs)
Bruce Capote.
His name, yes, is
Bruce Capote (laughs)
and he is the head of our
mafia in East McKeesport.
And he is also an
interior decorator.
And if you miss you
payments (laughs),
he comes to your
house and spits on.
Oh no.
(audience laughing)
He comes to your house
if you miss your payments
and he sticks his
tongue out at your drapes.
(applause)
- Now let's dig a little dirt
with Hollywood's favorite fun
people as we have breakfast
with Lance and Tina Proudfoot.
(jazzy piano music)
- Good morning, Lance.
- Good morning, Tina.
(audience laughing)
Well, Tina, my darling.
Tina, who is our guest
for breakfast this morning?
- Oh, it's the lovely lady
sitting between us, Lance.
Our close and personal friend,
Ms. Jane Stapleton.
- No, excuse me,
Tina, it's Jean Stapleton.
- Oh, heavens, the wonderful
star of One Man's Family.
- No, Lance, it's
All in the Family.
- Well, of course it is.
(audience laughing)
Oh, how have you been, Joan?
- You must have me
confused with somebody else.
- Oh, don't be so modest,
you're a great actress
and a marvelous human
being, Maureen Stapleton.
- Oh, of course, everybody
knows you're one of
the most intelligent
people in Hollywood.
What do you think
of the Vietnam War?
- Well, I personally
think that it's...
- Oh, I'm so sorry,
Jim, we're out of time.
- That's right, Lance.
Please join us
tomorrow for breakfast
when our guest is an up
and coming young starlet,
the lovely Carroll O'Connor.
- Right here on Lance and Tina.
- Better known as
meathead and dingbat.
(applause)
- Special report from Laugh-In's
around the world bureaus,
first to the Island
of the Rising Sun.
- Hello, from Japan.
La la dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dan and Dick,
with Dick and Dan
- Listen, I used to
date a handsome boy
from Baltimore named Dan.
(applause)
- 25 years ago today,
Mr. Ben Johnson was
the first Black man to
infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan.
Mr. Johnson managed this
amazing feat by simply turning
white as a sheet whenever
anyone in the klan looked at him.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- We've been lost
for seven days.
Seven days, I'm starving.
Starving I tell you.
- Now look, maybe
this'll take your mind off it.
It's a very good, spicy book.
- Give me that, give me that.
(audience laughing)
It's spicy.
- On All in the
Family, Archie calls our
son-in-law, Michael, a meathead.
With prices the
way they are today,
that's not such a bad thing.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
- The Laugh-In Show will
continue in just a moment.
Sorry, but that's the
way the network bounces.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
- Well, ladies and gentlemen
here in the studio audience,
this is the question and answer
time when I'm very happy to
take any questions that you
may have relating to the show.
Any questions at all.
I'll tell you what, if
you have a question,
just put your hand up
because this has really proved
to be a very stimulating
part of the show
where I just come up
for those answers, boy,
as soon as you snap
out the questions.
Would any of you like to...
Maybe some of the crew.
You people that are asleep.
(horn blows)
- All ashore that's
going ashore.
(audience laughing)
- What's this?
You look like an alter
boy for Oral Roberts.
- Oral who?
You may scoff, sir,
but I'm going to get rich.
I'm going to get rich
in the wool business.
This is my shepherd's outfit
and I'm going to
round up my sheep.
- I see, well, you don't
round up your sheep,
you herd your sheep.
- Of course I've heard them.
They just stand around in
their sweaters and go baa.
Baa.
- Go back to blowing
the horn, will you?
I like that.
Where did you get any sheep?
- Just by luck.
- Just by luck?
- Yes, you see
I was drilling for earl.
- For oil.
- Oil.
I was drilling for oil on
my property in Wyoming
and I struck sheep instead.
Isn't that a stroke
of good fortune, sir?
- Striking sheep's
a stroke of luck, yes.
How did you strike sheep?
- Well, you just bat them
over the head with this crock.
- Crook.
- I resent that, I
paid $5.40 for this.
I was gonna say 5.40,
but it's actually $5.45.
- No, no, that's a
crook, you're a crock.
- You want to go
any further with that?
- No, no, that's
it, crook, crock.
Crook, crock, and the creek.
You can open the
crack with your crock.
- You may scoff,
but you're wearing
a wool suit and it
comes from my sheep.
So you owe me money.
Now, I'm gonna be off.
I'll be with my covey of sheep
and you'll be wherever you are.
- Sheep don't come in covey.
You see, that's for birds.
Sheep can't fly.
- With a little help
from this crook they can.
(audience laughing)
- They don't like that crook?
- Not up their nose, they don't.
(audience laughing)
You didn't think I'd have the
nerve for that one, did you?
- I've known you a long time.
I know you got the nerve.
Well, it's plain you don't
know anything about sheep.
- Well, I cackle on
your cardigan, sir.
- I don't have a cardigan.
- Well, it might've
been a cardigan.
- When do you take
the wool from the sheep?
- Well, now, listen, I
do it about two o'clock
in the morning
while they're asleep.
- Wait, what, you do it
while they're sleeping?
- Sure, sometimes I
can pull out two or three
handfuls before they
wake up and get mad.
- You're supposed
to shave the sheep.
- I tried that, but they do
hate to get lathered up.
- They do, huh?
(laughing)
- Please, if you laugh,
they'll never stop.
- Would you like to hear
my call me sheep again?
- No.
- Fine, if you insist.
- I don't insist.
(horn blows)
- Oh, Dick, you were
playing my favorite song.
- Beautiful.
- That's my favorite note.
- Let's do it together.
(horn blows)
Come on, we'll join Harry James.
- Do it together somewhere else.
Does anyone have a
question, for heaven's sake?
(horn blows)
- A lot of people say that
miracles don't happen anymore.
I would like to point
out to those people
that Laugh-In is
now in its sixth year.
- Take this show, please.
- Now let me get this straight.
You're going into the
jungle for an entire year
with nothing but a pint
of chocolate ice cream?
Why?
- Because they were
all out of fudge ripple.
- Today in Peking,
Chairman Mao stepped to
his window overlooking
the throng below.
He furtively peered at
his minister of defense
and stated humbly,
"Pookie, pookie, pookie."
(audience laughing)
- OK, Charlie,
turn on the water.
Charlie, I think this fire
is worse than we thought.
- Until a little while ago
I never believed in you.
- [Santa] Ho ho ho.
- I had a bad night,
guess what happened?
I forgot the Alamo this morning.
(lively music)
Basically, we're very elegant
Basically, we're chick
When I wear my reading glasses
You'd swear I'm
Jacqueline Onassis
And when we're
dining at the taco stand
People stop and stare
When I munch a hot burrito
That Noel Coward ain't so neato
And when we throw
our polka parties
They're really grand affairs
Serving franks
and crowd is classy
And ice cold beer
is not too gassy
So don't let trouble
ever trouble you
Drive a classic used VW
Basically, that's very elegant
Basically, that's chick
Basically, we're very cultural
Basically, we're grand
Our idea of something doing
Is memorizing Rod McKuen
And we have t-shirts
custom made for us
In the latest styles
Golf is really much too tiring
We find bowling so inspiring
And don't you
find the roller derby
A lot like the ballet
Lawrence Welk can
play those rumbles
And we paint pictures
by the numbers
And if it's odd
we're always ready
Like Princess Grace
Or J. Paul Getty
'Cause basically,
we're very elegant
Basically, we're chick
Basically, we're elegant
And we're really very chick
Let's get a tattoo
(energetic music)
(applause)
(cheerful music)
The family The family
Let's hear it for
our fine old family
The family The family
Let's hear it for
a grand old room
The fearless father Merry mother
Silly sister Boozy
brother Oily uncle
Weedy grandma (mumbles)
auntie Nasty nephew
Family The family
Let's hear it for
our fine old family
The family The family
Let's hear if for our grand old
Not a hint of scandal
Hear it for a grand old family
The whole damn family
(applause)
- I took my family
for a vacation
in Yellowstone Park and
one night a bear came
and dragged my
mother-in-law into the bushes.
- Good heavens.
- What happened?
- The worst possible thing.
They fell in love, got
married, and moved in with us.
(audience laughing)
- Some people
say the family unit
in this country
is breaking down.
Now that's nonsense.
My four kids and
I are very close
with all three of their mothers.
(playful music)
- Look at this place.
No supper, the kids
haven't been put to bed
all because you're out
running around all day.
- Me running around?
Wait, you're out bumming all day
and night with heaven knows who.
I'm sick of living like this.
You know what I
think we oughta get?
- What?
- Married.
- I know a family
that is so wild,
their home movies
are rated X. (laughs)
- My wife and I are
both compatible.
I snore, she's hard of hearing.
- Hi, darling.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart.
- What's for dinner, was there
any mail, where's the paper?
- Is that all you can say to me?
Where's the dinner, get
the mail, give me the paper.
You don't care about me.
I'm leaving you.
- Oh, don't leave
me, I do need you.
- Do you really need me, Henry?
- Of course I do.
Without you, who'd
cook the dinner,
get me the mail,
bring me the paper?
- That's the sweetest
thing you've ever said.
- Good, then cook dinner.
- I can't, I have to
get the mail first.
- With the new morality,
I suppose in a few years
they'll be saying I
think I'll go out and find
me a girl just like the girl
that lived with dear old dad.
(audience laughing)
- Now look, son, I want
you to forget I'm your father.
From now on I'm just a friend.
Treat me like, you know,
like one of your buddies.
- Are you sure about that?
- Sure I'm sure, I want to
do the things you guys do.
I want to do them together.
- Well, OK.
- Good, now what are
we gonna do tonight?
- Well, I guess the same
thing we did last night.
We gone break into your
liquor closet and get drunk.
Wait a minute, pops,
can't you take a joke?
- Speaking of families,
how about the Godfather?
- Yeah, there's a case of a son
following his
father's fingerprints.
- Hi, honey, I'm home.
- Oh, hi.
Oh.
Oh, did you have to bring
your work home with you?
- Don't worry about it, I'll
take care of it a little later.
Make yourself at home.
- Well, come on,
we'll have dinner.
- Hey, just a second now.
Why is Junior tied up?
- Well, did you look
at this report card?
- Take a look it.
What is this, it's all A's.
What've you got to
say for yourself, punk?
- I cheated, I cheated.
- The only thing that
saved you, you clown.
- Speaking of
families, I just met
the happiest kid
in Beverly Hills.
He had the most
parents at a PTA meeting.
- There is nothing
so solid and strong
as the American family unit.
- Yeah, my ex-wife
always said that.
(audience laughing)
- My wife's a dear.
I wish the hunting
season was on.
(doorbell rings)
- Now before you say anything,
let me explain.
I know that I'm a
no-good husband.
I know that when I
come home drunk
at this hour that's terrible.
I realize I'm setting a bad
example for the children
and I also realize I'm
jeopardizing our marriage.
But can you forgive me?
- Of course I can.
- You can?
- Yes, and that's mostly
because you're not my husband.
You live next door.
- You know, it's
disgusting the way
some parents let
their kids dress today.
But not me.
I had a talk with my son
and we compromised.
Now he only wears one earring.
(laughing)
- When I was a kid,
we were so poor,
my mother remarried 14 times
just because we needed the rice.
(laughing)
- Here's just what you
asked for, Mr. Carter.
A completely
furnished family home.
There's the furniture
and there's the family.
- Do you have the
same thing in a brown?
- Oh well, you
know, in the old days,
a family that prayed
together stayed together.
Now when somebody in
the family is on his knees,
he's changing the channel
on the television set.
(audience laughing)
- Harry, how come
you never talk to me?
Other husbands
talk to their wives,
but you don't talk to me.
You think it's nice
to sit here night
after night and you
don't say a word.
Why do I have to do...
- Look, I'm trying...
- Don't interrupt!
I'm talking to you.
You don't listen.
- When I was a kid, we
all respected our parents
because of the
great family tradition:
love, honor, and a fear
of being hit with a belt.
(audience laughing)
- Now your record
in handling these
married couples
has not been good.
Unless you can
reconcile this next pair,
I'm afraid you're
going to lose your job.
- Oh no, no.
- Oh yes, yes.
Now you just make sure
you keep this couple together.
- I don't care.
You told my mother
and she (mumbles).
- Well, what seems
to be the problem?
- He stinks!
- She stinks!
- Oh, it's wonderful
to see a couple
who can talk to each other.
- Talk to each other, we're
trying to kill each other.
- Yes, we keep trying
to kill each other.
- Well, at least you're
interested in the same thing.
That's a very good
basis for marriage.
- Good?
She put dynamite under my chair.
- He pushed me out of
a second story window.
- Every marriage
has its little pit falls.
Now what do you want, a
few squabbles or a divorce?
- A divorce.
- A divorce!
- There goes my job.
I want you two to work
things out and make up.
- I'll make up.
I'll make up a way to kill him.
- [Jean] (mumbles).
No, no!
Come back, come back!
- How did it go?
- They left in
each other's arms.
(applause)
(cheerful music)
The family The family
We heard it for
a bang old family
The family The family
We heard it for a fine old
Perfectly divine old
Heard it for a fine old family
The whole damn family
(applause)
- I'm going into that jungle
and I'm gonna find
the great white whale.
(laughs)
Stupid, there's no great
white whale in the jungle.
- Ah, but if there is, think
how easy it'll be to spot.
(playful music)
- Listen, thank you.
Hey, hey.
Just a second, I've just
had a call from a guy
who tells me there is
a bomb in this building.
Could go off any second.
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait,
don't anybody leave yet.
I am sorry sir, but
as parliamentarian,
it is my duty to see that we
observe proper procedure
under Robert's Rules of Order.
- But there's a bomb in here.
- I know, but it says here
in Robert's Rules of Order
Article six, paragraph G that
a meeting cannot be adjourned
unless such a motion has
been made from the chair.
- All right.
I move we adjourn this
meeting, now let's get out of here.
- No, not according to
Robert's Rules of Order
page 53, section
seven, article D.
Before the membership
can vote on a motion,
it must be seconded.
- All right, it must
be seconded.
- For heaven's sake,
I second the motion.
- All right, he
seconds the motion.
All in favor of getting out of
here before the bomb goes off.
- Not so fast.
It says here in Robert's
Rules of Order article 15,
implementation seven,
before taking a vote,
the chair must
call the question.
- All right, I'll call the.
What was the question?
- We were voting
on the original motion
to adjourn the meeting
before the bomb goes off.
- I move to adjourn the meeting.
- I second it.
- The motion to adjourn has
been moved and seconded.
All in favor?
- [Group] Aye.
- Opposed?
(thunderous explosion)
- The ayes have it.
Meeting adjourned.
(applause)
(easygoing music)
- Hi, how are you?
Hey, you look fantastic.
- You know, Donna
Jean, tell me truthfully.
How do you like living here?
- Oh wow. (giggles)
Wow, so far, so good.
I mean, last night
that really good
looking guy next
door asked me out.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I accidentally
walked into his apartment
and he said would
you mind getting out?
- I just got one of those
new rotary engine cars.
Had it for three
days when it ran
away with a Roto-Rooter truck.
- Well, at least I stopped
that annoying drip.
- Remember, Truss Week
starts tomorrow at 11:14.
Honor those wearing
trusses by giving them a gift
weighing no less
than 1,100 pounds.
Remember, it's a lot of fun
to watch them carry it home.
Thank you.
- I can't see a thing.
- Well, why don't
we trade seats?
There we are.
How's that?
- Oh, that's much better.
Thank you.
- Hey man, the light's on.
- Oh, hey, Granville,
whatcha you been doing?
- Oh, yesterday I tried
to do a good deed,
man, by helping a
white dude across
the street, but he wouldn't go.
- Why not?
- Man, he wanted to wait
till the light turned green.
- I see.
You should try being more
understanding, you know?
- OK, OK.
- Good, now what are
we gonna do tonight?
- Let's see.
Hey, let's go bowling
'cause I love bowling.
Let's go bowling, man,
'cause I just love bowling.
Let's go bowling 'cause
I just love bowling, man.
I love it.
- Well, why do you
love bowling so much?
- Oh man, 'cause
it's great seeing
the black balls knock
down them white pins.
Let's go bowling
'cause I love bowling
Let's go bowling Yeah,
yeah, yeah La la la
(applause)
- I'd like an appointment
with the eye doctor.
- I'm sorry, you can't
see the eye doctor today.
- I know, that's why I
want the appointment.
- We'll get back to
our movie in a minute.
But first, more about
tonight's record offer.
In edition to the hits
you've already heard,
this beautiful album,
the Peoria Symphony
Orchestra and Jug Band
playing music to
punch puppies by.
Plus, a selection of Israeli
army marching songs
that can only be played
very fast and backwards.
And a special TV offer
if you order in the
next six seconds,
a record by John
Wayne, the big duke,
reciting 200 of
his favorite poems.
Poems like
Adios, Noxzema on
the Sands of Iwo Jima,
You Tell My Mommy,
I'll Find You're a Commie,
and Do You Know What it
Means to Kiss the Marines?
So just $72.95
along with your name
and address on the
back of your house
and I'll send you these records
when I'm darn good and ready to.
- Oh, those natives.
Those natives are learning
the ways of civilization.
- What makes you think so?
- Well, this morning the
guide, he stole our truck.
- As long as he
left our furs alone.
Shall we?
- Into the jungle.
- Say, I see your sign here.
Is that true, can I really
see Hawaii for $10?
- That's right.
- Well, I don't know
how I can pass that up.
Here's my $10.
- There you are.
That's Hawaii right there.
- What's wrong with you, punch?
You've been in clinch
with him the whole round.
- I know he's not
much of a fighter,
but he's a marvelous dancer.
- [Dan] Attaboy champ.
- Oh boy, that Charlie
sure is having a ball.
(playful music)
- I just made a
two-year deal with Ford.
I bought a car on time.
- Where are we going?
- We're going to the
magic city of ba-ba-zi.
- Well, the natives
won't even go there.
- Why not, are
they superstitious?
- No, the prices are outrageous.
- Before we say goodnight,
we're like to thank
our lovely guest,
Ms. Jean Stapleton.
(applause)
- Beautiful.
- You really were
a wonderful guest.
- Thank you, loved being here.
- You know, Jean, we do have
something in common, you know?
- What's that?
- Well, we both are intelligent
people who must pretend
on television that we're
more or less stupid, you know?
- Pretend.
- Yes, yes.
You know, there's a certain
profundity in your astuteness.
I've often reflected on the
psychological ramification
of forcing one's id to assume
an antithetical posture.
- And anther thing, I
have a fish named Bob.
And I can blow
smoke out of my nose
and I can walk like a duck.
- He does very often, too.
I'd like to show Jean
what's in store for next week.
Just look up there.
(applause)
Jack Benny will be with us.
(applause)
And so will James
Farentino and Michele Lee.
Peter Marshall.
Hugh O'Brian, and all of
our regular Burbank inmates.
(cheering)
- (laughs) Did you know
that when Beethoven died,
somebody sent his
wife a symphony card?
(laughs)
- I think I want to be a liberated
woman, but I'm not sure.
- Well, what are you
gonna do about it, Donna?
- Well, I'm gonna go
home and boil my bra.
(laughing)
- What religious leader
stayed out in the sun too long?
- I don't know who.
- Norman Vincent Peeling.
(laughing)
- What famous inventor
had bad table manners?
- [Ruth] I don't
know, Dennis, who?
- Alexander Graham Belch.
(laughing)
- Hey, who carried a (mumbles),
sailed the seven seas, and
threw mud on people's clothes?
- I don't know, who?
- Sinbad the Soiler.
(laughing)
- You know why it's important
to watch what you eat?
- Yeah, because if you
don't watch what you eat,
you could stick it in your
eye and hurt yourself.
(laughing)
- I could hear that again.
Would you do that again, Sarah?
- Because if you...
If you don't watch what you eat,
you could stick it in your
eye and hurt yourself.
(cheering)
- You know, kids, when
I was in the hospital,
there was a fresh brain surgeon.
I finally had to give
him a piece of my mind.
(laughing)
- Hey, John.
- Hey, Jean, what?
- What do you call a
Jewish motorcycle daredevil?
- I don't know, what?
- Evel Knish.
(laughing)
- How do you tell a
good egg from a bad egg?
- Well.
If you eat one
If you still feel like
eating the other one
That was a good
one you ate (laughing)
- Well, it's time
to say goodnight.
- By the way, who sings Garbage
Keeps Falling On My Head?
- [Group] Who?
- Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Pig.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- [Both] Goodnight drip.
I mean Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick. (laughs)
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
(playful music)
(laughing slowly)
let's blow this joint.
- OK.
(audience laughing)
- Gee, this is more
serious than I thought.
I'll have to take
it into the shop.
- Don't worry, kid, the
syndicate told the other
fighter to take a
dive in the fifth round.
- Oh yeah, well, they told
me to take a dive in the fourth.
- OK, you'll beat
him for one round.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Captain,
long time no see.
- No sea, you got it.
- I don't care what.
I'll call you later.
- Excuse me, Harry.
- Yeah.
- Could you give me a lift home?
- Oh, sure.
- Good.
(audience laughing)
- I went to the race
track the other day.
I bet on a horse called Xerox.
He came in first,
second, third, fourth, fifth.
- I picked up a hitchhiker
the other day and I got hernia.
Next time I'll use a car.
- Before we go on stage,
let's compare notes.
- Oh, OK.
(high pitch singing)
(wailing)
- Oh, say, could
you send me abroad?
- The nerve of that witch doctor
threatening to
turn us into frogs.
- (laughs) Ah, well,
forget about that.
I'm hungry, let's go get a bug.
(audience laughing)
- You don't look so good.
What's the matter?
- Well, I just can't
seem to shake this cold.
(audience laughing)
Oh, thank you.
- I bought this can of air
freshener for our church.
- Oh good, maybe that'll
get rid of the pews. (laughs)
(phone rings)
- Chuck Witbeck School of
Ventriloquism, can I help you?
- [Henny] Hey, Miss.
- Hey, I know you.
You're the famous
comedian, Henny Youngman.
- That's right,
that's me and I'd
like a Boston cream pie, please.
- You got it.
(applause)
- [Gary Voiceover] You're right,
it's Rowan and
Martin's Laugh-In.
(applause)
- Thank you.
Thank you, and now.
It is now time, Dick, for us to
introduce our
special guest tonight.
- That's true, it's
that zany, kooky star
of All in the Family,
Ms. Jean Stapleton.
- Jean Stapleton.
(applause)
Jean, it is so great to have
you on the show tonight.
We've really been
looking forward to this.
- Well, I have, too.
- Tell me, Jean, what makes
All in the Family so popular?
- Well, it's simple.
A lot of people watch it.
- Yeah, but why do so
many people watch it?
- Well, why shouldn't they?
It's a very popular show.
- At last, somebody on
the show who makes sense.
- You mean you understand
what she just said?
- Perfectly.
- Is he always this dumb?
- Yeah, he's a regular dingbat.
- Hey, now wait a minute.
- Stifle, stifle.
- Yeah, we've got a
show to do you know.
- And now from the
beautiful downtown Burbank
Securities Investment
Commission and Penny Arcade.
NBC the noble, but cheap
network tries to keep its overhead
underfoot by presenting
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
staring we're showing
a profit, Dan Rowan,
and the total loss, Dick Martin.
With guest star Jean Stapleton.
Plus, Ruth Buzzi,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Ian Bernard and
his Irvine Quickies.
And your guests Bill Bixby,
Jack Carter,
Henny Youngman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this advice for people
overwhelmed by endless payments.
Why not seek relief
and consolidate all
those separate nagging
little debts by making
one single loan and
then skipping town.
Thank you.
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
And now back despite
popular demand,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause)
- They can stop anytime.
Thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Hold it, just a second.
Just a second.
- What's the interruption for?
- I will bet you $20 that
you can't guess what I am.
- Well, anybody that'd
make a bet like that's
either a jerk, a
fool, or a lunatic.
- OK, which one is it?
- I don't have time for all.
Just tell me what you are.
- I are a race car
driver and owner.
- You are?
- I are.
- You am.
- I am.
- Yes.
You own a race car?
- As a matter of fact I do.
I just bought half
interest in a race car.
I own half a race car.
- Half?
- Well, who owns the other half?
- Well, if you play your
cards right, you can.
My half's right out in front.
- Your half is out,
well, where is my half?
- You know where the
Indianapolis Speedway is?
- Yes, I do.
- Well, your half is
right in the first six rows
and in the concession
stand mixed up
with the popcorn and in Chicago.
- You don't know
anything about racing cars.
You don't know the
first thing about it.
You've never even been to a.
Do you have a pit crew?
- I certainly do,
they're in the pit.
- Well, I know
they're in the pit.
- Just yesterday
we were practicing.
You know I made
a pit stop in 40...
- You did what?
- Pit stop.
Try that three times quick.
Pit stop, pit stop.
- All right, you
made a pit stop.
- I made a pit stop
in 45 minutes flat.
- 45 minutes, what
took you so long?
- Well, it took them 30 minutes
to change the seat covers.
- Seat covers?
- Oh, I have plaid ones now.
Yes, then they
had trouble getting
the car back on the track.
- What was the matter?
- Well, the lead dog was
exhausted, you know?
His tongue was out.
- Your race car
is pulled by dogs?
- Well, I had no choice.
The cat has a hernia.
- [Dan] Why don't
you get a motor?
- Because they make
lousy pets, that's why.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
- It does?
- Excuse me,
did I hear this young
man say that made sense?
- You did.
- Sir, how would you like to buy
some swampland in New Jersey?
- Well, as I was saying...
- Aren't you even gonna
ask me if I ever won a race?
- No.
- Glad you asked.
I raced at the Indianapolis 400.
- That's 500.
- I got 20% off.
- That's 25%.
- Who can add?
- Now that makes more sense.
- Excuse me, he said
that again, didn't he?
It made sense?
- Yes, he said that.
- Sir, how would you
like to buy a half interest in
a boatload of costume jewelry,
or maybe a cat with a hernia?
(laughing)
- Excuse me, I bet I
know where you're going.
- Where?
- You're going bowling.
- No, I'm going to the doctor.
I have a bowling ball
stuck on my hand.
- Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
- What?
- Could you please
push down on that?
- Sure.
- Bang!
- Say, I finally
figured out why all
that water's draining
out of your sink.
- Well, what's causing it?
- There's a hole in it.
- All right now, let's
check things off.
- All right, let's
see, I got guns.
- Uh huh.
- I've got food.
I've got maps.
- Right.
- I've got rhythm.
- Right.
- I've got music.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've got my guy.
Who could ask for anything more
- Ah, we're doing all right.
I hear people out there saying
the champ ain't got a chance.
- Yeah, you're
forgetting one thing.
- What's that?
- You're the champ.
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
- I'm sorry, Mr. Irving,
but even if you could prove
you had an interview with him,
I mean, nobody's
gonna buy a new bible.
- I met my wife when we
were both working in the circus.
She was a tightrope
walker and I fell for it.
- No, I'm sorry, Mr. Kissinger,
but you can't list the Folies
Bergère as one dependent.
- If it was up to me, I'd
do away will all forms
of prejudice and
short Romanians.
(audience laughing)
- Sir?
- Huh, oh.
- Would you like your
coffee served in here?
- Oh, yes, Anderson,
serve it here.
- Very good.
- Oh.
- Hi, how are you?
Hi. (giggles)
Boy, I just love living
here in a singles building.
But you know, really,
sometimes it can be embarrassing.
- How?
- Well, I mean, do you know
what happened last night?
You know that cute
guy next door to me?
Well, he walked
in on me right in
the middle of an
obscene telephone call.
- Well, what's so
bad about that?
- He was the one I was calling?
- And now for today's horoscope.
If you are a Sagittarius,
a pygmy will offer to sell
you the Taj Mahal and
Northern Africa for $2.75.
Be careful, it may be a trick.
- Well, my flower, what
seems to be the problem?
- I hear music and
there's no one there.
- I smell blossoms
and the trees are bare.
All day long I
seem to walk on air.
I wonder why.
I wonder why!
- Is there anything else?
- Yes, there is.
I keep tossing in
my sleep at night
And what's more
I've lost my appetite
Stars that used to
twinkle in the skies
Are twinkling in my
eyes I wonder why
- Well, you don't
need analyzing.
It's not so surprising.
As you feel very
strange, but nice
Your heart goes pitter patter
I know just what's the matter
Because I've been
there once or twice
Put your head on my shoulder
You need someone's who's older
A rub down with a velvet glove
There is nothing you can take
To relieve that pleasant ache
I'm not sick, I'm just in love
- [All] One more time
I'm not sick, I'm just in love
- Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta
She's not sick,
she's just in love
(audience laughing)
- Friend of mine went
nuts because of his job.
He was supposed to
throw out the garbage
at a boomerang factory.
A friend of mine went
nuts because of a job.
We was supposed to throw out.
(funky upbeat music)
- This must be the
age of permissiveness.
I know one motel
that won't let you
check in if you have luggage.
They're afraid
you'll stay all night.
(funky upbeat music)
- You know, Sarah, our
town's all set for the election.
- Really?
- Yeah, we finally automated.
- Well, good.
- We got a new
machine that's gonna
make voting a lot easier.
- Well, how does it work, Jud?
- Well, you put your
pencil in, turn the crank,
and you're all set
to mark your ballot.
(funky upbeat music)
- No, thank you, Mary.
Jean, what do you think of a
woman becoming president?
- Well, it's better than the
president becoming a woman.
(funky upbeat music)
- I think that some
members of the clergy
are a little too progressive.
- Well, why do you say that?
- Well, I just heard
that the Reverend
Branigan gave
up religion for Lent.
(funky upbeat music)
- Mary.
- Hi, Dennis.
- Listen, how
about a little drink?
- Oh great, make it a double.
- OK.
There you are.
(funky upbeat music)
- I mean really, Jan, I
don't think the schools
today are doing such a good job.
My nephew has been in
the sixth grade for two years
and I think it's a darn shame.
And so does his wife.
(funky upbeat music)
- Welcome to room 407.
- Dick, when I go out
with a guy on a first date,
I don't allow kissing.
- Oh good, let's skip the
kissing and get to the good stuff.
(audience laughing)
(funky upbeat music)
Hey, a friend of mine
had a car for only
Three days before
it was recalled
- You mean by Detroit?
- No, man, by the fuzz.
(funky upbeat music)
- A guy called me up the
other day while I was in
the bathtub and invited me
to a come as you are party.
Well, I had a great time,
but it was really difficult
carrying that bathtub
around all night long.
(funky upbeat music)
- Listen, I'm gonna
tell you one thing.
The Nixon
administration has caused
a resurgence of
religion in this country.
Why, every day
people get down on
their knees and
pray for lower taxes.
(funky upbeat music)
- Jean, tell me,
do you think that
priests should be
allowed to marry?
- Marry?
I don't think they should even
be allow to date each other.
(funky upbeat music)
(applause)
(lively music)
(audience laughing)
We are making
movies by the seashore
We are Mr. Senate's
bathing girls
In these suits we're
sorry you can't see more
Than a little ankle
and some curls
What's the news, what's the news
What's the news cross the nation
We have got, we have got
We have got
information And a way
What a way Such a
way that's amusing
We just hope, we just hope
That it isn't confusing
We just love, really love
Dearly love to
give you our views
Da da dee da
Mermaids, lifeguards
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dick and Dan
and Dan and Dick - OK.
- [Gary Voiceover] And
now the Laugh-In News
with Billy Brandt in Germany,
(mumbles) in Normandy,
Pope Paul in Italy,
and Ed McMahon in Burgundy.
And now, here's Dan and Dick.
- First, these news headlines.
- Pennsylvania Dutch
merge with Blacks.
Group's known as
Amy Shu-nan-dee.
- That's Amish.
- Amish Shu-nan-dee.
(audience laughing)
- John Wayne, mad at Texas,
punches Rio Grande
River in the mouth.
- Woman runs off with
steam roller operator.
Leaves husband flat.
(audience laughing)
- How come you
get the good ones?
And now with the
news of the present,
we have good news and bad news.
And speaking of bad
news, here's Dick.
- All right.
At NBC today, Oral
Roberts called in sick.
NBC Vice President David
Tebet immediately proclaimed,
"Let there be reruns."
(audience laughing)
Cut.
(audience laughing)
News of the present,
Washington, DC.
Perry Waldo Lafferty of
the gay liberation party
today announced he would run for
the presidency of the
United States in 1976.
I won't mince words, he said.
- [Dan] You can bet me.
- My first official
act after taking office
will be to change the national
anthem from Star Spangled
Banner to the Dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairy.
(audience laughing)
- Years in the future
40 years from today,
senior citizen Ralph Nader
sat with newsmen for over
three hours last night
recalling the good old days.
Think about it, you see, he
recalled the good old days.
Well, it's no steam
roller, but its. (laughs)
News of the future
20 years from now.
In a continuing effort
to combat pollution,
the oil companies
have introduced
a new fuel which is 90% alcohol.
Preliminary tests indicate
that not only is pollution
as bad as ever, but every
time the smog gets bad,
people put on party
hats and run into
the streets saying,
"Melancholy baby."
- Now to jolly old
Richard Dawson
for the senior citizens report.
- OK, Barb, you got the job.
I have to go on the air now.
There goes the light.
There's old news tonight.
75 year old Emma
Smith, a resident
at the senior citizen's home,
oh, was molested
early last night.
The IMS posted a
reward for the molester.
Anyone knowing a
word about the molester,
please tell him to
contact Emma Smith
and pick up his reward.
Also, the snaps that Emma
took, they turned out fine.
Now back to Bashful and Dopey.
- Now for news from
the world of sports
with Jud Strunk in Farmington.
Take it away, Jud.
- Hey there, this is Jud Strunk,
your sports commentator
from the sports capital
of the world, Farmington, Maine,
bringing you
another sports first.
I'm telling you, you have
never seen nothing like this.
This is a cannonball catch.
Now, this week, the Carrabassett
Cannonball Catching Team
is gonna try and catch some
cannonballs with one hand.
They're loading them
in the end of the shoot
and they're gonna blast
them right out of there.
And they gotta pick
them up going backwards.
Now you watch and
see if they can do it.
Let's see the first guy.
Roll 'em, boys.
(whistles)
They're a little
late on their stack.
OK, they're backing up to it.
Here comes Sly and Slim
Slopen from Skowhegan.
He's gonna give it one try.
He caught it, right
down the button.
Here comes Sly and Slim again
and I think he might
have it right in his hand.
What do you think about that?
Here comes Angry Ed Askwith.
He's mean, but good.
Former choir master.
He didn't do too bad.
I think, I think, this is...
Tiptoe Thompson.
Learned all he knew from
the Bangor Ballet Russe.
Coming up this time is Reverend
Wheeler right on his knees.
Look at that.
Holy roller.
One more time and he's got it.
Back to you Dan
and Dick. (whistles)
- For more show business news,
our special reporter,
Dorothy Manners.
- In the wake of continuing
publicity concerning
his centerfold photo,
Burt Reynolds today
revealed his intentions to
sue Cosmopolitan Magazine
for not showing his best side.
- Here's Dr. Martha Welby
with the medical news.
- Due to the high
cost of medicine,
the AMA has announced
that from now on
doctors must prescribe
drugs by the generic name
rather than the more
expensive brand names.
For example, a $10 a
pill by di-o-sul-fa-fu-nite
will now be available
for one cent a pill
under its more common
name, Good and Plenty.
- Now, we go to Willie Tyler
and Lester with the Black News.
- I'm Willie Tyler from
the Black News desk.
- Yeah, and I'm Lester.
I used to be the
Black News desk.
- Black singer Henry
Jones of Lafayette, Michigan
filed a personal injury suit
today against his local barber.
- Yeah, Mr. Jones claimed
that when his barber
cut his sideburns,
his natural fell off.
Funny, keep going.
- OK, Mayor Lindsay of New
York announced today that crime
and violence have been
removed from Harlem streets.
- Doing all right, man.
And put back into the
Harlem alleys where it belongs.
Now back to you Dark and Tan.
- Wait a minute, hold it.
That's Dick and Dan.
- Just trying to add a
little local color, baby.
(audience laughing)
- Now, our small
town reporter at large,
Donna Jean Young
in East McKeesport.
- The head of our mafia
in East McKeesport
is an... His name is (laughs)
Bruce Capote.
His name, yes, is
Bruce Capote (laughs)
and he is the head of our
mafia in East McKeesport.
And he is also an
interior decorator.
And if you miss you
payments (laughs),
he comes to your
house and spits on.
Oh no.
(audience laughing)
He comes to your house
if you miss your payments
and he sticks his
tongue out at your drapes.
(applause)
- Now let's dig a little dirt
with Hollywood's favorite fun
people as we have breakfast
with Lance and Tina Proudfoot.
(jazzy piano music)
- Good morning, Lance.
- Good morning, Tina.
(audience laughing)
Well, Tina, my darling.
Tina, who is our guest
for breakfast this morning?
- Oh, it's the lovely lady
sitting between us, Lance.
Our close and personal friend,
Ms. Jane Stapleton.
- No, excuse me,
Tina, it's Jean Stapleton.
- Oh, heavens, the wonderful
star of One Man's Family.
- No, Lance, it's
All in the Family.
- Well, of course it is.
(audience laughing)
Oh, how have you been, Joan?
- You must have me
confused with somebody else.
- Oh, don't be so modest,
you're a great actress
and a marvelous human
being, Maureen Stapleton.
- Oh, of course, everybody
knows you're one of
the most intelligent
people in Hollywood.
What do you think
of the Vietnam War?
- Well, I personally
think that it's...
- Oh, I'm so sorry,
Jim, we're out of time.
- That's right, Lance.
Please join us
tomorrow for breakfast
when our guest is an up
and coming young starlet,
the lovely Carroll O'Connor.
- Right here on Lance and Tina.
- Better known as
meathead and dingbat.
(applause)
- Special report from Laugh-In's
around the world bureaus,
first to the Island
of the Rising Sun.
- Hello, from Japan.
La la dee da Ladies and gents
Laugh-In looks at the news
With Dan and Dick,
with Dick and Dan
- Listen, I used to
date a handsome boy
from Baltimore named Dan.
(applause)
- 25 years ago today,
Mr. Ben Johnson was
the first Black man to
infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan.
Mr. Johnson managed this
amazing feat by simply turning
white as a sheet whenever
anyone in the klan looked at him.
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
- We've been lost
for seven days.
Seven days, I'm starving.
Starving I tell you.
- Now look, maybe
this'll take your mind off it.
It's a very good, spicy book.
- Give me that, give me that.
(audience laughing)
It's spicy.
- On All in the
Family, Archie calls our
son-in-law, Michael, a meathead.
With prices the
way they are today,
that's not such a bad thing.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
- The Laugh-In Show will
continue in just a moment.
Sorry, but that's the
way the network bounces.
(audience laughing)
(playful music)
- Well, ladies and gentlemen
here in the studio audience,
this is the question and answer
time when I'm very happy to
take any questions that you
may have relating to the show.
Any questions at all.
I'll tell you what, if
you have a question,
just put your hand up
because this has really proved
to be a very stimulating
part of the show
where I just come up
for those answers, boy,
as soon as you snap
out the questions.
Would any of you like to...
Maybe some of the crew.
You people that are asleep.
(horn blows)
- All ashore that's
going ashore.
(audience laughing)
- What's this?
You look like an alter
boy for Oral Roberts.
- Oral who?
You may scoff, sir,
but I'm going to get rich.
I'm going to get rich
in the wool business.
This is my shepherd's outfit
and I'm going to
round up my sheep.
- I see, well, you don't
round up your sheep,
you herd your sheep.
- Of course I've heard them.
They just stand around in
their sweaters and go baa.
Baa.
- Go back to blowing
the horn, will you?
I like that.
Where did you get any sheep?
- Just by luck.
- Just by luck?
- Yes, you see
I was drilling for earl.
- For oil.
- Oil.
I was drilling for oil on
my property in Wyoming
and I struck sheep instead.
Isn't that a stroke
of good fortune, sir?
- Striking sheep's
a stroke of luck, yes.
How did you strike sheep?
- Well, you just bat them
over the head with this crock.
- Crook.
- I resent that, I
paid $5.40 for this.
I was gonna say 5.40,
but it's actually $5.45.
- No, no, that's a
crook, you're a crock.
- You want to go
any further with that?
- No, no, that's
it, crook, crock.
Crook, crock, and the creek.
You can open the
crack with your crock.
- You may scoff,
but you're wearing
a wool suit and it
comes from my sheep.
So you owe me money.
Now, I'm gonna be off.
I'll be with my covey of sheep
and you'll be wherever you are.
- Sheep don't come in covey.
You see, that's for birds.
Sheep can't fly.
- With a little help
from this crook they can.
(audience laughing)
- They don't like that crook?
- Not up their nose, they don't.
(audience laughing)
You didn't think I'd have the
nerve for that one, did you?
- I've known you a long time.
I know you got the nerve.
Well, it's plain you don't
know anything about sheep.
- Well, I cackle on
your cardigan, sir.
- I don't have a cardigan.
- Well, it might've
been a cardigan.
- When do you take
the wool from the sheep?
- Well, now, listen, I
do it about two o'clock
in the morning
while they're asleep.
- Wait, what, you do it
while they're sleeping?
- Sure, sometimes I
can pull out two or three
handfuls before they
wake up and get mad.
- You're supposed
to shave the sheep.
- I tried that, but they do
hate to get lathered up.
- They do, huh?
(laughing)
- Please, if you laugh,
they'll never stop.
- Would you like to hear
my call me sheep again?
- No.
- Fine, if you insist.
- I don't insist.
(horn blows)
- Oh, Dick, you were
playing my favorite song.
- Beautiful.
- That's my favorite note.
- Let's do it together.
(horn blows)
Come on, we'll join Harry James.
- Do it together somewhere else.
Does anyone have a
question, for heaven's sake?
(horn blows)
- A lot of people say that
miracles don't happen anymore.
I would like to point
out to those people
that Laugh-In is
now in its sixth year.
- Take this show, please.
- Now let me get this straight.
You're going into the
jungle for an entire year
with nothing but a pint
of chocolate ice cream?
Why?
- Because they were
all out of fudge ripple.
- Today in Peking,
Chairman Mao stepped to
his window overlooking
the throng below.
He furtively peered at
his minister of defense
and stated humbly,
"Pookie, pookie, pookie."
(audience laughing)
- OK, Charlie,
turn on the water.
Charlie, I think this fire
is worse than we thought.
- Until a little while ago
I never believed in you.
- [Santa] Ho ho ho.
- I had a bad night,
guess what happened?
I forgot the Alamo this morning.
(lively music)
Basically, we're very elegant
Basically, we're chick
When I wear my reading glasses
You'd swear I'm
Jacqueline Onassis
And when we're
dining at the taco stand
People stop and stare
When I munch a hot burrito
That Noel Coward ain't so neato
And when we throw
our polka parties
They're really grand affairs
Serving franks
and crowd is classy
And ice cold beer
is not too gassy
So don't let trouble
ever trouble you
Drive a classic used VW
Basically, that's very elegant
Basically, that's chick
Basically, we're very cultural
Basically, we're grand
Our idea of something doing
Is memorizing Rod McKuen
And we have t-shirts
custom made for us
In the latest styles
Golf is really much too tiring
We find bowling so inspiring
And don't you
find the roller derby
A lot like the ballet
Lawrence Welk can
play those rumbles
And we paint pictures
by the numbers
And if it's odd
we're always ready
Like Princess Grace
Or J. Paul Getty
'Cause basically,
we're very elegant
Basically, we're chick
Basically, we're elegant
And we're really very chick
Let's get a tattoo
(energetic music)
(applause)
(cheerful music)
The family The family
Let's hear it for
our fine old family
The family The family
Let's hear it for
a grand old room
The fearless father Merry mother
Silly sister Boozy
brother Oily uncle
Weedy grandma (mumbles)
auntie Nasty nephew
Family The family
Let's hear it for
our fine old family
The family The family
Let's hear if for our grand old
Not a hint of scandal
Hear it for a grand old family
The whole damn family
(applause)
- I took my family
for a vacation
in Yellowstone Park and
one night a bear came
and dragged my
mother-in-law into the bushes.
- Good heavens.
- What happened?
- The worst possible thing.
They fell in love, got
married, and moved in with us.
(audience laughing)
- Some people
say the family unit
in this country
is breaking down.
Now that's nonsense.
My four kids and
I are very close
with all three of their mothers.
(playful music)
- Look at this place.
No supper, the kids
haven't been put to bed
all because you're out
running around all day.
- Me running around?
Wait, you're out bumming all day
and night with heaven knows who.
I'm sick of living like this.
You know what I
think we oughta get?
- What?
- Married.
- I know a family
that is so wild,
their home movies
are rated X. (laughs)
- My wife and I are
both compatible.
I snore, she's hard of hearing.
- Hi, darling.
- Oh, hello, sweetheart.
- What's for dinner, was there
any mail, where's the paper?
- Is that all you can say to me?
Where's the dinner, get
the mail, give me the paper.
You don't care about me.
I'm leaving you.
- Oh, don't leave
me, I do need you.
- Do you really need me, Henry?
- Of course I do.
Without you, who'd
cook the dinner,
get me the mail,
bring me the paper?
- That's the sweetest
thing you've ever said.
- Good, then cook dinner.
- I can't, I have to
get the mail first.
- With the new morality,
I suppose in a few years
they'll be saying I
think I'll go out and find
me a girl just like the girl
that lived with dear old dad.
(audience laughing)
- Now look, son, I want
you to forget I'm your father.
From now on I'm just a friend.
Treat me like, you know,
like one of your buddies.
- Are you sure about that?
- Sure I'm sure, I want to
do the things you guys do.
I want to do them together.
- Well, OK.
- Good, now what are
we gonna do tonight?
- Well, I guess the same
thing we did last night.
We gone break into your
liquor closet and get drunk.
Wait a minute, pops,
can't you take a joke?
- Speaking of families,
how about the Godfather?
- Yeah, there's a case of a son
following his
father's fingerprints.
- Hi, honey, I'm home.
- Oh, hi.
Oh.
Oh, did you have to bring
your work home with you?
- Don't worry about it, I'll
take care of it a little later.
Make yourself at home.
- Well, come on,
we'll have dinner.
- Hey, just a second now.
Why is Junior tied up?
- Well, did you look
at this report card?
- Take a look it.
What is this, it's all A's.
What've you got to
say for yourself, punk?
- I cheated, I cheated.
- The only thing that
saved you, you clown.
- Speaking of
families, I just met
the happiest kid
in Beverly Hills.
He had the most
parents at a PTA meeting.
- There is nothing
so solid and strong
as the American family unit.
- Yeah, my ex-wife
always said that.
(audience laughing)
- My wife's a dear.
I wish the hunting
season was on.
(doorbell rings)
- Now before you say anything,
let me explain.
I know that I'm a
no-good husband.
I know that when I
come home drunk
at this hour that's terrible.
I realize I'm setting a bad
example for the children
and I also realize I'm
jeopardizing our marriage.
But can you forgive me?
- Of course I can.
- You can?
- Yes, and that's mostly
because you're not my husband.
You live next door.
- You know, it's
disgusting the way
some parents let
their kids dress today.
But not me.
I had a talk with my son
and we compromised.
Now he only wears one earring.
(laughing)
- When I was a kid,
we were so poor,
my mother remarried 14 times
just because we needed the rice.
(laughing)
- Here's just what you
asked for, Mr. Carter.
A completely
furnished family home.
There's the furniture
and there's the family.
- Do you have the
same thing in a brown?
- Oh well, you
know, in the old days,
a family that prayed
together stayed together.
Now when somebody in
the family is on his knees,
he's changing the channel
on the television set.
(audience laughing)
- Harry, how come
you never talk to me?
Other husbands
talk to their wives,
but you don't talk to me.
You think it's nice
to sit here night
after night and you
don't say a word.
Why do I have to do...
- Look, I'm trying...
- Don't interrupt!
I'm talking to you.
You don't listen.
- When I was a kid, we
all respected our parents
because of the
great family tradition:
love, honor, and a fear
of being hit with a belt.
(audience laughing)
- Now your record
in handling these
married couples
has not been good.
Unless you can
reconcile this next pair,
I'm afraid you're
going to lose your job.
- Oh no, no.
- Oh yes, yes.
Now you just make sure
you keep this couple together.
- I don't care.
You told my mother
and she (mumbles).
- Well, what seems
to be the problem?
- He stinks!
- She stinks!
- Oh, it's wonderful
to see a couple
who can talk to each other.
- Talk to each other, we're
trying to kill each other.
- Yes, we keep trying
to kill each other.
- Well, at least you're
interested in the same thing.
That's a very good
basis for marriage.
- Good?
She put dynamite under my chair.
- He pushed me out of
a second story window.
- Every marriage
has its little pit falls.
Now what do you want, a
few squabbles or a divorce?
- A divorce.
- A divorce!
- There goes my job.
I want you two to work
things out and make up.
- I'll make up.
I'll make up a way to kill him.
- [Jean] (mumbles).
No, no!
Come back, come back!
- How did it go?
- They left in
each other's arms.
(applause)
(cheerful music)
The family The family
We heard it for
a bang old family
The family The family
We heard it for a fine old
Perfectly divine old
Heard it for a fine old family
The whole damn family
(applause)
- I'm going into that jungle
and I'm gonna find
the great white whale.
(laughs)
Stupid, there's no great
white whale in the jungle.
- Ah, but if there is, think
how easy it'll be to spot.
(playful music)
- Listen, thank you.
Hey, hey.
Just a second, I've just
had a call from a guy
who tells me there is
a bomb in this building.
Could go off any second.
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait,
don't anybody leave yet.
I am sorry sir, but
as parliamentarian,
it is my duty to see that we
observe proper procedure
under Robert's Rules of Order.
- But there's a bomb in here.
- I know, but it says here
in Robert's Rules of Order
Article six, paragraph G that
a meeting cannot be adjourned
unless such a motion has
been made from the chair.
- All right.
I move we adjourn this
meeting, now let's get out of here.
- No, not according to
Robert's Rules of Order
page 53, section
seven, article D.
Before the membership
can vote on a motion,
it must be seconded.
- All right, it must
be seconded.
- For heaven's sake,
I second the motion.
- All right, he
seconds the motion.
All in favor of getting out of
here before the bomb goes off.
- Not so fast.
It says here in Robert's
Rules of Order article 15,
implementation seven,
before taking a vote,
the chair must
call the question.
- All right, I'll call the.
What was the question?
- We were voting
on the original motion
to adjourn the meeting
before the bomb goes off.
- I move to adjourn the meeting.
- I second it.
- The motion to adjourn has
been moved and seconded.
All in favor?
- [Group] Aye.
- Opposed?
(thunderous explosion)
- The ayes have it.
Meeting adjourned.
(applause)
(easygoing music)
- Hi, how are you?
Hey, you look fantastic.
- You know, Donna
Jean, tell me truthfully.
How do you like living here?
- Oh wow. (giggles)
Wow, so far, so good.
I mean, last night
that really good
looking guy next
door asked me out.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I accidentally
walked into his apartment
and he said would
you mind getting out?
- I just got one of those
new rotary engine cars.
Had it for three
days when it ran
away with a Roto-Rooter truck.
- Well, at least I stopped
that annoying drip.
- Remember, Truss Week
starts tomorrow at 11:14.
Honor those wearing
trusses by giving them a gift
weighing no less
than 1,100 pounds.
Remember, it's a lot of fun
to watch them carry it home.
Thank you.
- I can't see a thing.
- Well, why don't
we trade seats?
There we are.
How's that?
- Oh, that's much better.
Thank you.
- Hey man, the light's on.
- Oh, hey, Granville,
whatcha you been doing?
- Oh, yesterday I tried
to do a good deed,
man, by helping a
white dude across
the street, but he wouldn't go.
- Why not?
- Man, he wanted to wait
till the light turned green.
- I see.
You should try being more
understanding, you know?
- OK, OK.
- Good, now what are
we gonna do tonight?
- Let's see.
Hey, let's go bowling
'cause I love bowling.
Let's go bowling, man,
'cause I just love bowling.
Let's go bowling 'cause
I just love bowling, man.
I love it.
- Well, why do you
love bowling so much?
- Oh man, 'cause
it's great seeing
the black balls knock
down them white pins.
Let's go bowling
'cause I love bowling
Let's go bowling Yeah,
yeah, yeah La la la
(applause)
- I'd like an appointment
with the eye doctor.
- I'm sorry, you can't
see the eye doctor today.
- I know, that's why I
want the appointment.
- We'll get back to
our movie in a minute.
But first, more about
tonight's record offer.
In edition to the hits
you've already heard,
this beautiful album,
the Peoria Symphony
Orchestra and Jug Band
playing music to
punch puppies by.
Plus, a selection of Israeli
army marching songs
that can only be played
very fast and backwards.
And a special TV offer
if you order in the
next six seconds,
a record by John
Wayne, the big duke,
reciting 200 of
his favorite poems.
Poems like
Adios, Noxzema on
the Sands of Iwo Jima,
You Tell My Mommy,
I'll Find You're a Commie,
and Do You Know What it
Means to Kiss the Marines?
So just $72.95
along with your name
and address on the
back of your house
and I'll send you these records
when I'm darn good and ready to.
- Oh, those natives.
Those natives are learning
the ways of civilization.
- What makes you think so?
- Well, this morning the
guide, he stole our truck.
- As long as he
left our furs alone.
Shall we?
- Into the jungle.
- Say, I see your sign here.
Is that true, can I really
see Hawaii for $10?
- That's right.
- Well, I don't know
how I can pass that up.
Here's my $10.
- There you are.
That's Hawaii right there.
- What's wrong with you, punch?
You've been in clinch
with him the whole round.
- I know he's not
much of a fighter,
but he's a marvelous dancer.
- [Dan] Attaboy champ.
- Oh boy, that Charlie
sure is having a ball.
(playful music)
- I just made a
two-year deal with Ford.
I bought a car on time.
- Where are we going?
- We're going to the
magic city of ba-ba-zi.
- Well, the natives
won't even go there.
- Why not, are
they superstitious?
- No, the prices are outrageous.
- Before we say goodnight,
we're like to thank
our lovely guest,
Ms. Jean Stapleton.
(applause)
- Beautiful.
- You really were
a wonderful guest.
- Thank you, loved being here.
- You know, Jean, we do have
something in common, you know?
- What's that?
- Well, we both are intelligent
people who must pretend
on television that we're
more or less stupid, you know?
- Pretend.
- Yes, yes.
You know, there's a certain
profundity in your astuteness.
I've often reflected on the
psychological ramification
of forcing one's id to assume
an antithetical posture.
- And anther thing, I
have a fish named Bob.
And I can blow
smoke out of my nose
and I can walk like a duck.
- He does very often, too.
I'd like to show Jean
what's in store for next week.
Just look up there.
(applause)
Jack Benny will be with us.
(applause)
And so will James
Farentino and Michele Lee.
Peter Marshall.
Hugh O'Brian, and all of
our regular Burbank inmates.
(cheering)
- (laughs) Did you know
that when Beethoven died,
somebody sent his
wife a symphony card?
(laughs)
- I think I want to be a liberated
woman, but I'm not sure.
- Well, what are you
gonna do about it, Donna?
- Well, I'm gonna go
home and boil my bra.
(laughing)
- What religious leader
stayed out in the sun too long?
- I don't know who.
- Norman Vincent Peeling.
(laughing)
- What famous inventor
had bad table manners?
- [Ruth] I don't
know, Dennis, who?
- Alexander Graham Belch.
(laughing)
- Hey, who carried a (mumbles),
sailed the seven seas, and
threw mud on people's clothes?
- I don't know, who?
- Sinbad the Soiler.
(laughing)
- You know why it's important
to watch what you eat?
- Yeah, because if you
don't watch what you eat,
you could stick it in your
eye and hurt yourself.
(laughing)
- I could hear that again.
Would you do that again, Sarah?
- Because if you...
If you don't watch what you eat,
you could stick it in your
eye and hurt yourself.
(cheering)
- You know, kids, when
I was in the hospital,
there was a fresh brain surgeon.
I finally had to give
him a piece of my mind.
(laughing)
- Hey, John.
- Hey, Jean, what?
- What do you call a
Jewish motorcycle daredevil?
- I don't know, what?
- Evel Knish.
(laughing)
- How do you tell a
good egg from a bad egg?
- Well.
If you eat one
If you still feel like
eating the other one
That was a good
one you ate (laughing)
- Well, it's time
to say goodnight.
- By the way, who sings Garbage
Keeps Falling On My Head?
- [Group] Who?
- Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Pig.
- Say goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- [Both] Goodnight drip.
I mean Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick. (laughs)
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
(playful music)
(laughing slowly)