Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 7 - Episode #6.7 - full transcript
(classical music)
- Hear ye, hear ye, NBC, the
Nothing But Colonists network
goes back in
history and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauds)
Starring the
historical Dan Rowan
and the hysterical Dick Martin.
With Ruth Buzzi, Lily Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
Brian Bressler,
Pattie Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Ian Bernard and
his band of lard,
and cameo appearances
by James Farentino,
Michele Lee,
Peter Marshall,
Hugh O'Brian,
Charles Nelson Reilly,
Frank Rowger.
This is Gary Owens,
reminding you
what George Washington
said when he came home
from the dentist: "Look,
Martha, no knotholes!"
(audience laughs)
- Hold it right there.
I'm Clark Kent.
- So what?
You're just a
mild-mannered reporter
for a great
Metropolitan newspaper.
- Perhaps this will
reveal my true identity.
- Good heavens,
it's Audrey Hepburn!
- What are you in for?
- Oh, (laughs) being
a flagrant hussy,
using paints, powders, and
other trickery to beguile men.
What are you in for?
- Same thing.
(audience laughs)
- Now, folks, I don't mind
getting fired from an acting job.
It's just that I resent
being called a canned ham.
(audience laughs)
- Captain, when are
we gonna take off?
- As soon as we get
instructions from the tower.
- On what runway to use?
- No, on how to fly the plane.
You wouldn't have a D
battery on you, would you?
- A what? (audience laughs)
- Honey?
- Yeah?
- Do you think we
could ever fill in
for Richard Burton
and Elizabeth Taylor?
- We could fill
in if you'd fill out.
(audience laughs)
- [Nuns] Good morning, sister.
- Speaking of
sisters, I know a nun
who's so bowlegged,
when she sits
around the convent, she
sits around the convent.
(audience laughs)
- Who was that?
- Sister Mary Youngman.
She's the life of the convent.
- Take my mother
superior, please.
(rim shot) (audience laughs)
- Tod, did you
take a bath today?
- Why, is one missing?
(audience laughs)
(cash register dings)
- Say, how are your ribs today?
- Well, just fine, give a feel.
Whoo, ain't that nifty?
That'll be $20 for
handling the merchandise.
- I only got a dollar's worth.
(audience laughs)
(chisel tapping)
- What are you making?
- Oh, about a buck 35 an hour.
(audience laughs)
- Ohh.
- Mr. Felton, you are
an evil, slave-driving,
unprincipled man,
and I can no longer
tolerate even the sight of you.
I quit!
Do you hear me? I quit!
- But you can't quit.
- Why not?
- Because you don't work here.
- Well, do you
have any openings?
(audience laughs)
- For rent, apartment: one
bedroom and nine bathrooms.
Ideal for person on
Stillman's water diet.
(audience laughs)
(patient moaning)
- Oh, honey,
honey, I just talked
to the doctor, and he
was very reassuring.
- Oh, what'd he say?
- Well, he said a young
woman like me shouldn't have
any trouble at all
finding another husband!
(audience laughs)
(patient moaning)
And I was so worried.
(audience laughs)
- Which one do
you think you want?
You've looked at
every lamp in the shop.
What's it gonna be?
- I'll take this lamp.
- Okay, fine.
Will that be cash or charge?
- Charge.
- Charge?
- Yeah.
(electricity zapping)
(audience laughs)
- Gee, I like it, but the
sleeves are a little long.
Do you think you
could fix that, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Gee, that's a lot better.
Thank you very much.
(audience laughs)
- Glad you like it.
- Look at all those people.
You know, it's ridiculous.
You know, they think that
football players are stupid.
- Yeah, they forget
we're in college.
- Right.
- Alright, number
10, get in there.
- Number 10?
Hey, Franco, quick, look
at the back of my shirt.
What number have I got?
(audience laughs)
- Uh, there's a
stick and a wheel.
- A stick and a wheel?
- Uh.
- Well, as long as
it ain't number 10.
(audience laughs)
- Case of Judge Harrison
vs. The El Cheapo
Furniture Company
is now in session.
(bangs gavel) (podium crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, I'm the host
of the game show
The Hollywood Squares.
Now, we were
originally going to call it
The Hollywood
Circles, but the set
kept rolling off the stage.
(audience laughs)
- And now here's Prince
Rainier to sing Amazing Grace.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Hey, Ruthie.
- Yeah?
- My neighbor's a reformed
Jew and he mixes dairy and meat.
- Well, a lot of reformed
Jews mix dairy and meat.
- In the bathtub?
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Dennis!
What comedian steals
jokes in all languages?
- Oh, I don't know, who?
- Milton Burlitz!
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauds)
- Thank you, thank you very
much, ladies and gentlemen.
- Before we begin, before we
begin tonight, I wondered if...
- Wait a minute.
Isn't that Jack Benny?
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] Jack?
- That's Jack Benny.
- Let's get you in here.
Jack Benny! (audience applauds)
What are you doing here?
- I have my Straduvarius
and my lunch bag,
and I'm all set
for my violin solo.
- What violin solo?
You're not on the
show tonight, Jack.
- Well, of course I am.
It's in the contract.
- What?
- Yeah, it said violin
solo to be played
on the Dean Martin Show.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, this is the Rowan
and Martin Show.
- Oh, oh.
- Why did that happen?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
This is really embarrassing.
Well, where do I find
the Dean Martin Show?
- Oh, uh, NBC, 10
o'clock Thursday nights.
- No, no, Dick, he means
where in the building.
- Oh.
- Look, Jack, why don't you
join that tour group over there?
They'll take you
right over there.
- Oh, good.
- Guide, tour
guide, would you let
Mr. Benny join your tour group?
You're going to the Dean
Martin Show, aren't you?
Would you show him where it is?
- Certainly.
That will be $1, Mr. Benny.
- Alright.
Have you change for a $20 bill?
- Oh, I'm afraid not.
- Oh.
Well, here's a twenty,
keep the change.
- Thank you.
- Jack, that's a $19 tip.
- I know.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Alright, thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- [Both] And
welcome to Laugh-In.
What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- Reading your lips.
- Why, are you going deaf?
- Huh?
(audience laughs)
- Why are you reading my lips?
- Well, I tried
reading your ears,
but they didn't move enough
to make any sense to me.
(audience laughs)
- That's not
answering the question.
- Well, if you must
know, I learned
lip reading as an aid to
concentration at memory school.
- Lip reading as an
aid to concentration?
- It certainly are.
- Is are.
(audience laughs)
And you've been going
to a memory school?
I'm glad to hear it.
- I have been going
to a memory school.
- Where is this school?
- The school is in Dallas.
And it's a wonderful school.
- Oh, I don't care.
- And it's on the corner of, um.
- How far you
have to go if you're
gonna go to a good school.
- No, it's not there.
It's a red brick
building, I know that.
- In Dallas.
- Yes.
- Yes, well...
- No, it's in
Cleveland, actually.
I think they moved it, yes.
It's in Cleveland.
- And you graduated?
- No, it's Philadelphia.
- Did you graduate
from this memory school?
- I graduated from
memory school, yes.
- It doesn't seem to have
done you much good.
- Yes, it were.
- It's will.
- As a matter of
fact, what did me
the most good was
the wonderful speech
that our president
made at the exercises.
- The graduation ceremony?
- Yes, and he, when he said, uh.
Oh, he said, um,
he was a tall fellow.
- Very impressive speech.
- Yes.
I can't remember what he said,
but it sure does fit
here, I'll tell you that.
(audience laughs)
He said it, he handed me
the, um, the rolled up, uh...
- Diploma.
- Diploma, that's it, yes.
- How could you get a diploma?
Your memory's awful.
- Is that so?
I'll just have you know that
my memory is 100% improved!
- Since you went to
the memory school?
- Since I went to the what?
- Memory school.
- Memory school, right.
(audience laughs)
Why, just tonight,
standing right here,
I have memorized over 100 names.
- No, no foolin'?
- Yes.
- I'd like to see you do it.
- Alright.
- Alright, show me, boy.
- Gregory Peck, Candice
Bergen, Zsa Zsa Gabor,
President Nixon, Jim Henderson.
- Jim Henderson?
- He's my druggist.
- Oh.
- [Dick] Chuen Lei,
uh, Mickey Rooney.
- Hold it.
You know all those names.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- I mean, you reciting those
names doesn't prove a thing.
- Okay, you want to
hear some of the names
of the people sitting
in the audience?
- Well, that's more like it.
- Alright, folks, will
everyone stand up, please?
Ah, thank you.
Now, as you hear your
name called, please sit down.
You there, madam, we're
perfect strangers, is that correct?
- [Woman] Correct.
- We've never met before?
- [Woman] No, never.
- Alright, and your name is?
- [Woman] Helen Worth.
- Right, now sit down.
Next!
(Dan drowned out
by background noise)
- [Man] Barry Simpson!
- Wait, hold on.
- Barry Simpson, right!
Next!
- Well, now, now
that's utterly absurd.
- Utterly Absurd! Next!
(audience laughs)
- Wait, what's this, a canoe?
- [Man Under Canoe]
No, it's a long, green hat.
They didn't have my size.
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] Too bad they
couldn't find a red one.
- Oh, what's the idea, Cher?
- It's my dad's birthday.
- [Dan] But why two hydrants?
- Oh, he's crosseyed.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute.
- Yes?
- Aren't you Diogenes?
- Yes.
- Looking for an honest man?
- No, I give up on that.
Now I look for woman.
- [Dick] An honest woman?
- Not necessarily.
(audience laughs)
- A person, I sold
him a yellow bug light.
Now, would either of
you like to buy a poppy?
- Are you a veteran?
- No, sir, I'm just beginning.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Hey, you are Mrs.
Watson's dog, aren't you?
My name is Edith.
Edith Ann, and I'm
five-and-a-half years old.
I watch television all the time.
Do you watch television?
My favorite movie
star is Raquel Welch.
And I think will
be just like her
when I grow up,
except not so old.
(audience laughs)
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberry)
(patient moaning)
- I have something
to tell you, Frank.
- What?
- Well, Harry and I
are getting married.
- Couldn't you at least
wait until I was in my grave?
- Oh, we intend to.
We're not getting
married until Saturday.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, gang, go.
Get in there and fight!
(football players cheering)
(audience laughs)
- Mr. and Mrs. Howard, I hope
you're going to understand this.
I am going to have
to bus your son Jeffrey
to another school across town.
I feel this is the only
way he can learn
about integration and
harmony between the races.
(audience laughs)
- [Executioner] Ready?!
- What are you being shot for?
- Taking some clothes.
- [Executioner] Aim!
- What's so bad about that?
- Off El Presidente's wife?
- Fire! (audience laughs)
- Excuse me?
I'm supposed to appear on
the Dean Martin Show, but, um...
- Ohhh!
It's Dean Martin.
(audience laughs)
Oh, I'd know you anywhere.
I can tell by the saxophone.
(audience laughs)
- This is a violin case.
- Oh, Mr. Martin,
why do you keep
your saxophone in a violin case?
(audience laughs)
- I don't play a saxophone.
- Well, then why are
you carrying one around?
(audience laughs)
- Look, I'm lost.
I can't find my way.
- Lost?
He's lost.
Oh, do you hear that, friends?
He's lost.
You're lost.
He's lost.
- Look, look, I'm
just lost, I'm not poor.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- President Grover Cleveland.
(laughs) That has nothing to do
with anything, it's
just an answer we had
left over on The
Hollywood Squares.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Jud?
- Yeah, sure.
- Is that a handkerchief sticking
out of your breast pocket?
- No, I just happen to be
wearing very tall shorts.
(audience laughs)
- Liberace and Truman
Capote are so much alike,
I can just never get
those two straight.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Michele thought
Masters and Johnson
were a Vaudeville team.
- Boy, was I embarrassed
when I went to catch their act.
(audience laughs)
- Well, that's just great.
No, I mean, this is great.
You're playing cards.
Hello, girls.
- Hi.
- You're playing
cards while I had
a hard day with
three crummy lions.
Look, ripped 'em and clawing.
I lost two buttons,
how do you like that?
But, I mean, just
happen to be exhausted.
I don't want to
interrupt the game,
but may I have
my supper, please?
- Oh, Charles, please,
just for one night,
couldn't you get it yourself?
- Ho! Hey-ya!
Back, come on, come on!
Oh, hey-ya! Oh!
Alright, up on the
table, come on.
Hoo!
- What?!
Up on the table?
- Come on, you heard it, babe.
(audience laughs)
Oh, hey-ya.
Hoo-ha!
- Oh, now just a minute.
- Oh, now just a
minute, everyone quiet.
(woman screams)
- Oh, hey-ho!
Ho hey!
Ha hoo ha! (gun firing)
Back on the table!
Come on, let's go, back, back!
Let's move it back up.
Come on, hey-hoo wa-hoo-ha!
(woman roars)
Ho, hey!
(audience laughs)
Okay, come on.
(women crying out and growling)
Okay.
I want a pyramid, hoo-ha!
(speaking in foreign
language), ho-hey!
Okay, now smile.
Smile, hoo-wa.
(drum roll)
Drum, drum, drum.
Ha-hi!
(triumphant music)
(woman screaming)
Okay, okay, wait.
- Forget it, Frankie.
- Stop, stop!
- Wrap it up.
- Okay, girls,
don't growl at me.
I'll be glad to make supper.
Now, are you two staying?
- [Both] Yes, thank you.
(audience applauds)
- Okay, I'll get the place mats.
(silly music)
Clown it up Have a ball
Tell a joke, get
a laugh, try a fall
Make a face, ring a bell
Do a shtick, try a trick,
really shout shout shout
- [All] Whoo!
- Nowadays, a lot of
people travel by rail.
- That could be dangerous
if a train comes along.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, hey, Dennis?
- Yeah, man?
- Listen, did ya hear
that Elizabeth Taylor
had to lose 30 more
pounds for her last picture?
- Well, no kidding.
Boy, could I have had a
lot of fun with her leftovers.
- [All] Whoo!
- Hey, Brian?
- Yes, coming, my love.
- Did you hear
about the highjacker
who asked for a
million-dollar check,
and when he got
it, he was so happy,
he forgot to ask
for a parachute?
- No, what happened?
- Well, he and the
check bounced.
- [All] Whoo!
- Second chance.
(Lily cries out)
Oh, Lil.
Lil, Lil, Lil, so you
think newspapers
should print secret
government papers?
- Only in the
classified section.
- [All] Whoo!
- (mumbles) in 1976.
- What would you call that team?
- Amish and Agnew.
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
Cross your eyes Take a chance
If the crowd isn't
loud, drop your pants
If you're running
out of laughter
And you want to fill the cup
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up
(audience applauds)
(silly music)
(audience applauds)
- I have a French Poodle
that's so sophisticated,
when he fetches the paper,
he brings it in under his arm.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Hey, Mankowitz,
what's the matter?
- It's my teeth.
- Huh?
- [Mankowitz] My teeth.
- Your teeth, what's the
matter with your teeth?
- Oh, they hurt.
- Huh, let's see 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Tod, what has two
heads, two arms, and six legs?
- I don't know, what?
- John Green on a horse.
(audience laughs)
- Ooh, there ya are.
- Oh, it's too heavy, Dot.
I can't carry all that.
- Well, my goodness.
(groceries clattering)
Well, there, now
that's light as a feather.
(audience laughs)
- What do I got to lose?
(audience laughs)
(knocking)
- [Oral] Yes?
- Oral, could I talk to you?
I'm Jack Benny.
- [Oral] Well, what do you want?
- I was wondering, could
you make me a permanent 39?
(door slams) (audience laughs)
Maybe I ought to
try Billy Graham.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I suppose
you're wondering
why we are attired
in colonial garb?
- No, I know all about that.
But I was wondering
why we have to
dress up in these funny clothes.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I'll answer
that question as well.
That's for tonight's salute.
- We're having an
in-depth look at Liberace?
(audience laughs)
- Close.
No, tonight we're
going back in time
to the days of the
American Revolution.
- Ah!
- Aha.
- That's when the
cossacks were running off
with the villages and
sacking the women.
- (Laughs) You
got that backwards.
- Well, what do cossacks know?
(both laugh) (audience laughs)
- Not very much,
but in the first place,
the cossacks didn't fight
in the American Revolution.
- Well, who did they fight?
- Bolsheviks.
- God bless you.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Now, we'll be talking
about Valley Forge,
Lexington Green,
and Bunker Hill.
- And Fanny Hill.
- No.
Huh?
- Fanny Hill's a loose woman.
The others are famous battles.
- I had a famous battle
with a loose woman once.
- Oh, come on, Dick.
Now, why do ya
do things like that?
- Well, some things
are worth fighting for.
(audience laughs)
- You've got your
standards in the right place.
Precisely what our
early patriots thought.
Do you know anything at all
about George Washington?
- Yes. Everything.
- Everything?
(both laughing)
- As a matter of
fact, he paid a dollar
for a cherry tree, and
then he threw a hatchet
across the river
and lied about it.
(audience laughs)
- You got it.
- Right!
- You know everything.
- [Man] Speaking of hatchets.
- Speaking of hatchets?
You're a hatchet?
- No, I'm a tree surgeon.
- Oh, tree surgeon,
where ya goin'?
- Over to George Washington.
He wants a tooth trimmed.
(audience laughs)
Well, come on with us,
he may be at the party.
(audience applauds)
(lively music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You know, I voted for
Washington for president,
but I wouldn't buy a
used horse from him.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Sarah, my darling.
- Yes, Patty, my perfect?
- Do you know the
troops at Valley Forge
are gonna have a rough
Christmas this year?
- Why?
- Because Bob
Hope can't make it.
(audience laughs)
- My ancestors came
over on the Mayflower.
- That's nothin'.
My ancestors were the Mayflower.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Dennis, do you know
anything about George Washington?
- Oh, of course, he
had wooden teeth.
- Oh, everybody knows that.
- Well, not Martha.
See, she didn't find out
till he came home one night
with furniture
polish on his breath.
(audience laughs)
- Looks pretty bad, sir.
The men are
cuddling up for warmth.
- Cuddling up for warmth?
I was afraid of this.
Couldn't they at least wait
until we get to Valley Forge?
(audience laughs)
- My boyfriend,
Francis Scott Key,
sent me a song entitled
The Star Spangled Banner.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
- Why did he write it?
- Well, he figured
that sooner or later,
we're going to need something
to sing before baseball games.
(audience laughs)
- Isn't it great
living in a country
where all men are created equal?
- Yeah, it'll be
even better, man,
once we get rid of
them pushy Indians.
(audience laughs)
- My husband, Paul,
spent the night riding
through the streets,
screaming at the top of his lungs.
- Oh, why?
Are the British
coming, Mrs. Revere?
- Oh (laughs), no.
I forgot to take the pins
out of his new shorts.
(audience laughs)
- Why did they throw all that
tea off that boat in Boston?
- Well, Mary, it was
either that or get busted.
(audience laughs)
- Bugler?
We're outnumbered 100 to one.
We shall surely
all die, but let it
be said that we
went down fighting.
Sound charge.
- I don't believe
I know that one.
How 'bout Stardust?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Betsy Ross.
- What?
- You've finished with the flag?
- Yeah.
Here it is.
- How come it's all white?
- Well, I thought
we were gonna lose.
(audience laughs)
(gavel banging)
- The chair recognizes the
Honorable Patrick Henry.
- Thank you.
We are deliberating the wisdom
of becoming a new nation.
I do not know how
the others will vote,
but as for me, give me
liberty, or give me death!
(gun fires)
Let me rephrase that.
(audience laughs)
Give me liberty,
or give me a hickey.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
- Dan, why did the war
have to go on so long?
Didn't King George
know that we wouldn't
quit fighting until we
got our independence?
- Well, I guess he
didn't want to be known
as the first English
king to lose a war.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, I am George Washington.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- You know any white dudes
named George Washington?
(audience laughs)
(pen scratching)
- John Hancock.
Why did you sign
your name so big?
- Just for insurance.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Lily Madison, how's
it going at the bakery?
- Not so good.
- No?
- I'll tell ya.
Last night, the
stove went bluey,
and my cupcakes runneth over.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- What do you want
me to do now, captain?
- I don't know, I think
you're supposed to
hang around and
wait for the Civil War.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, don't
you think the custom
of both sexes wearing white wigs
makes the men and women
look alike, Mr. Jefferson?
- Not at all.
And I'm Mrs. Jefferson.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
- (gasps) Oh, look,
there's Ben Franklin.
- Why, yes.
- He's the guy
who's always saying,
"Early to bed,
early to rise, makes
"a man healthy,
wealthy, and wise."
Now what's he doing up so late?
- He probably found out
you can't get broads that way.
- Oh! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Hey, that's a
wonderful battle plan.
I'll tell it to my general.
- Oh, but can he be trusted?
- Of course.
Hey, Benedict!
Rats, he's over talking
to Jack Anderson.
(audience laughs)
- General Washington, sir?
How many boats do we
need to cross the Delaware?
- We need three
boats for the troops,
and one boat for the fellow
that paints the pictures.
(audience laughs)
- Well, John, I certainly
was disappointed
in you today at the
Continental Congress.
- Well, why, dear?
- Well, first, Thomas
Paine stands up
and he says, "Taxation without
representation is tyranny."
Right? Okay.
Then, Patrick Henry
jumps to his feet
and yells, "Give me
liberty, or give me death!"
- Right.
- Right? Okay.
Then you, with your big chance
to make the
history books, right?
You pipe up with,
"Pooky, pooky, pooky."
(audience laughs)
- I say, did you hear,
at Boston Harbor
the revolutionists dumped a
shitload of tea into the harbor.
No doubt this will
herald the start
of a great American tradition.
- Freedom for all?
- No, water pollution.
(audience laughs)
(man gasps)
- Listen, I finally figured out
why the Indians
always attack at night.
- Really? Why?
- Well, would you
go out in the daytime
with all that makeup on?
(audience laughs)
- The patriots are
holding scrap-paper drive
to raise money for ammunition.
Do you have any old
newspapers or magazines?
- Uh, just this,
and I regret, I have
but one LIFE to
give for my country.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Coach, coach, Felatsio's hurt.
- What's the matter with him?
- I don't know, we think it's
his leg, but we're not sure.
- Why not?
- We can't find it.
(audience laughs)
- Get in there and look for it.
- Oh, okay.
- Between commercials,
have a beer,
and then go, "Pooky,
pooky, pooky."
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
(lively music)
What's in news starting nation
We have got information
In a way that's endearing
Everybody shouting,
ole-ing, and cheering
We just love to
give you our news
La da di da
Senior and seniora, el
Laugh-In looks at the news
(women crying out)
With Dan and Ricardo, ole
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the Laugh-In News
with Hans Brinker in Dutch,
Judge Crater out of touch,
Hugh Hefner in a hutch, and
Mario Andretti at the clutch.
- First these news headlines.
- Airlines go on strike, Mariorti
stranded in Los Angeles.
(audience laughs)
- Italian mortgage company
places lien on Tower of Pisa.
(audience laughs)
- Gay lib member
released from prison
promises to go straight.
(audience laughs)
- And now, here's Dick
with News of the Present.
- Uh, Frasier, the
world-famous lion,
you've heard of
him, haven't you?
- [Dan] Yes, I've heard of
Frasier, the world-famous lion.
- Well, he, uh, despite
being the equivalent
of 100 years old, died after
siring 35 cubs in 16 months.
He was finally buried in
Laguna Beach, California,
after the veterinarians
spent three days
trying to wipe the
smile off his face.
(audience laughs)
Dateline, the North Pole.
Explorer Morton
Moss announced today
the discovery of a gay
liberation movement.
Uh, make that, it's
a village, actually.
- [Dan] Settlement.
- Settlement.
That's a good name
for it, settlement.
(audience laughs)
- What did he do then?
- Well, Mr. Moss knew
he was onto something
when he came across a
number of igloos made of jello.
- Jello?
- Yes, two grape, two
strawberry, and one tutti fruity.
(audience laughs)
And here's Dooz with
the fews of the nanders.
- News of the Future, 20 years
from now, Washington D.C.
Famous hotel
magnate Conrad Hilton
today became the 42nd
president of the United States.
10 minutes after he
entered the White House,
he immediately reported
that all the towels,
ashtrays, and soap were missing.
(audience laughs)
- He was up in the tree, yeah.
- Hotel business.
- Oh.
- News of the Future,
20 years from now.
Pete Ron of St.
Louis failed today
in his attempt to
be the first man
to peddle a
bicycle-powered aircraft
through the air for a full mile.
"I might have
made it," Pete said,
"but halfway through the flight,
"there was a scuffle
between the navigator
"and one of the stewardesses."
(audience laughs)
- A news bulletin.
Carlo Ponti, Sophia
Loren's husband,
is rushing to her bedside.
- [Dan] Ohh.
- Not that she's sick.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
Here's a special news feature.
With all the goings
on in Paradise
is our heavenly
reporter, Angel Good.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
Scoobity dooby, dooby dooby
I always wanted to
be with a jazz band.
Hi, this is Angel Good
with the news from Heaven.
A terrible thing has happened.
The Harry Houdini Amelia
Earhart romance is on the rocks.
This is a real downer.
Last night, when Amelia
asked Harry where he had
disappeared to, he
told her to get lost.
(snaps fingers)
(audience laughs)
(drowned out by
background noise)
Oh, but a funny thing happened.
Cecil B. DeMille and
Moses has an argument
over who produced the
original 10 Commandments.
And during the fight,
they broke four of 'em.
(audience laughs)
Ooh, I tell ya, we have
a good time up here.
Oh, wait a minute, holy
smoke, beg your pardon.
(audience laughs)
My time is up.
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
Over and out.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
(audience applauds)
- We now take you to
the Florida Everglades
for an interview
with the new winner
of the alligator
wrestling contest.
(alligator squeaks)
(audience laughs)
Here's a special
Hollywood report
with Sue Cameron,
internationally famous columnist.
- Victor Buono and Totie Fields
are taking a few days
off from the shooting
of their current
picture to get married.
But the shooting
schedule being tight as it is,
they've decided to mix business
with pleasure and
film the honeymoon.
In Arizona, Colorado,
and parts of New Mexico.
- Fascinating, thank
you. (audience laughs)
Now to Japan for
news of the Far East.
- Uh, Miss Osaka has some strong
feelings about American movies.
- Yes, I very much
object to Japanese people
being portrayed as stereotypes.
- Well, I would take
it then you dislike it
when movies have the Japanese
saying such things as, "Ah, so."
- Ah, so.
(audience laughs)
- Now to the tropics
and life in the islands.
- Well, here in the
tropical islands,
we are talking to some
of the island people
to learn about
their way of life.
You, sir, are from
the Canary Islands.
- Right.
- Tell me, what is
the main occupation
of people in the Canary Islands?
- Spreading newspaper.
(audience laughs)
- And you, Tandeleah, you
are from the Virgin Islands.
What do your people do?
- Nothing.
(audience laughs)
Absolutely nothing.
(Lily laughs)
- And now the rural news.
- Hi, Judge Drunk here from
Farmington with the main news.
Barnard Bedscoe of Baymoth
of a big broser from Belfast
bought himself one of them
newfangled electric
milkin' machines.
Supposed to cut
his work in half.
Only trouble is, when
he went to hook it up
to the power pole,
he accidentally
tapped into the telephone wires.
Now, whenever he
goes to milk his cow,
he gets a busy signal
and a bucket full of dimes.
(audience laughs)
The cow gets quite
a charge out of it, too.
(audience laughs)
- This week a special
feature for the ladies,
our home economist, Meg Cracken.
- Oh, hi there, food
fans, this is Meg Cracken
reporting to you for the people
from Fullman Frozen Foods.
This week, Fullman
Frozen Foods is
introducing a frozen
sit-down dinner
for two that's ready
in nine minutes.
All you have to do
is find two people
dumb enough to sit
on it for nine minutes.
(audience laughs)
Be sure to watch
my show next week
when my guest
Henny Youngman will
show you how
his wife burns jello.
Please.
(audience laughs)
- Let's hear now from
the China Russian border.
- Oh, greetings, comrade.
How are you today?
- Nevermind the small talk.
Are my shirts ready?
- Oh, very funny, round eyes.
(audience laughs)
Now I tell you a joke.
One Russian says, "Who was that
"tractor I saw you with
last night?" (laughs)
And the other Russian
says, "That was no tractor.
"That was my wife."
- Hmm.
You regular Chinese Ed Sullivan.
- Thank you. Thank you.
La da di da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news
(women crying out)
(audience applauds)
- How are you feeling, Frank?
- I'm sinking fast.
- Take your time.
I still have a half hour
left on the parking meter.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, wait a minute, there was
supposed to be a squash
here, and I don't see one.
- Well.
(smashes bag)
See one now.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- You know, I don't think my
uncle knows much about sex.
- Why is that?
- Because when
I was a little kid,
he tried to tell me about
the birds and the birds.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Did ya hear about
the construction worker
who was always tellin' lies?
- No, what about him?
- He spoke with
a forklift tongue.
(audience laughs)
(birds tweeting)
- Hey, man, how
you doin' there, sport?
- Hey, uh, what it is
and who you is, man?
- You're puttin' me on, man.
You're puttin' me on.
This is me, it's
your old buddy Cos.
- Look, are you talkin'
to me like a brother,
but are you tryin' to
tell me you Bill Cosby?
- In the flesh.
- Uh, you sound like Bill
Cosby, but in the wrong flesh.
(drowned out by
background noise)
You don't look like no
Bill Cosby I've ever seen.
- Listen, I'd like to stay
and talk to you, man,
but I got to go pick
up Fat Albert, you see,
'cause we're gonna
rehearse my television show.
- Oh, yeah?
What kinda television
show you got?
- It's a variety show, you see,
'cause I happen to dig variety.
- Yeah, I can see that, but
what you gonna be next week?
Uh, green?
(audience laughs)
- Say, I really do
gotta split, man.
But that's cool,
'cause I'll see ya round.
- Hey, man, who was that?
- I don't know, man.
He was either some
white dude doin'
a great imitation of Bill
Cosby, or it was Bill Cosby,
doing a fantastic imitation
of some white dude.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- And let us not forget
that age old question,
where are my prunes?
(audience laughs)
- Hey!
- Hey, Smith?
- Yeah?
- Come here.
Look, you're a good
quarterback, see,
but this is the last
time I'm gonna tell you,
you're only supposed to pat 'em
on the rump when
you're out in the field.
- Does that go for kissing, too?
(audience laughs)
- Boy, I'm glad we
finally got them together,
but, you know, Mother
is a little hard of hearing.
But she's so darn stubborn,
she won't do a thing about it.
- That's alright, because
my dad is the same way.
Let's hope they get along.
- Yeah.
- Okay, let's go.
- Where ya from, stranger?
- Just fine, thank you!
Tell me where you're from.
- Just fine, got a
little pain in my hip.
- It's a nice part
of the country.
- You like to dance?
- Certainly is.
Now all the evenings
are getting a little cool.
- You like music?
I'll get some
music on the radio.
- Some nights
it's so cold, I can
hardly make it across the floor.
Starts right here.
(sports talk on radio)
- So all I can do is to
hobble around like this.
- [Man On Radio] With
a snap from center,
Gabriel gets ready to throw.
- You like to dance, eh?
Have to keep fit.
- I see you got a (mumbles).
It's a slipped disc.
- I like these
newfangled dances.
- Sometimes it helps to kick it
like that and pop
it back in place.
- Oh, I got ya, I got ya.
A conga line.
- I think I'm goin' down.
- Whoo, I feel just
like Carmen Miranda.
(audience laughs)
- I need some extra oomph.
(audience applauds)
- Here's another one.
Dear Moosie, every time I
call my dog, he won't come.
Signed, Dave.
- Dear Dave, maybe you're
calling the wrong number.
(audience laughs)
- Let's see, two pounds
of potatoes, that's $1.15.
- I never bought these
kind of potatoes before.
Do you think they'll
taste good mashed?
- Well, let me see.
(hammer thuds)
(audience laughs)
Mm, tastes right good to me.
- Oh, excuse me.
I'm looking for...
Well, for heaven's sakes,
if it isn't Sanford and Son.
(audience laughs)
I'm so pleased to
meet you, Mr. Sanford.
- Uh, uh, I ain't Mr. Sanford.
- Oh.
Are you Mr. Sanford?
- No, I'm not
Mr. Sanford, either.
- Well, when he
comes in, would you
tell him I'm so
pleased to meet him?
(audience laughs)
Right now, I have
to find Dean Martin.
I'm looking for his studio.
Maybe you could come
along and show me the way?
- Okay, coming, Mr. Vinny.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute.
Say that again.
- Comin', Mr. Vinny.
- Rochester, what
have they done to you?
(audience applauds)
- How's it going, O'hara?
- Oh, I'll tell ya,
it's very hard
getting used to a desk job.
(audience laughs)
(horse whinnies)
- You know something, Leonard?
I really respect wine
makers, don't you?
- I worship the very
grapes they walk on.
(both laugh) (audience laughs)
Hey, you know something?
Today was not my day.
I was very rudely
awakened this morning.
- Well, what happened, Leonard?
- The street cleaner
ran over my tongue.
(both laugh) (audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(silly music)
- Richard!
- Yes?
- Who leads a marching band
and can fix his own instrument?
- Who?
- John Phillips Screwdriver.
(audience laughs)
- Ha ha, Sarah.
- Yeah?
- Who shoots pool, weighs 300
pounds, and drives dogs crazy?
- I don't know, who?
- Minnesota fleas.
(audience laughs)
(spritely music)
- Hi, hi, Billy.
Lovely to see you gentlemen.
I'm sorry I'm a little late.
- [Dan] Well, I hope you got
something today worthwhile.
- Are you kidding?
I've just signed the
kid I got back here
a million-dollar deal.
- [Dan] The same guy that
had that elephant in last week?
- I had the elephant, yes.
Mistake.
But wait, I wouldn't know
the floor wouldn't carry it.
I have dynamite here.
A million-dollar deal.
- [Dick] What does she do?
- Sing.
- [Dick] Oh, well.
- I can get someone
else to sign this.
- [Dick] Girl singer huh?
- Phyllis, Phyllis. Watch.
(mumbles)
Give it to the (drowned
out by background noise).
(audience laughs)
(gentle piano music)
Oh man river, that old man river
He must know something
But he don't do nothin'
He just keeps rollin'
- You're putting me on.
He just keeps rolling along
- Tempo, tempo.
- [Dick] Ger her outta here.
- [Dan] Thank you
very much, thank you.
- Uh, Phyllis?
Oh, I can explain.
Phyllis! Phyllis.
Don't get
I'll be back.
I have just, do you validate?
(audience laughs)
Phyllis, Phyllis.
- Next!
But old man river, he
just keep rollin' along
- Hey, fellow, you
forgot something!
(audience applauds)
(drowned out by
background noise)
(upbeat music)
- [Woman] Oh. (laughs)
Okay, I open.
- [Man] I call.
And raise you.
(man laughs)
- [Woman] I call.
And (laughs) raise you.
(audience laughs)
- [Man] I call.
And raise you.
Hoo.
- [Woman] Well, I call.
(both laugh)
And raise you.
(both laugh)
- [Man] Whoopee!
I call.
See, one two.
And raise.
(woman cries out and laughs)
- [Woman] I love it.
- [Man] Belong to Geller?
- [Woman] Oh, well that's it.
(woman laughing)
- [Man] What's the matter?
You chicken?
- No, there's a couple
of machines open now.
- Oh, okay.
(audience applauds)
- Wait a minute, this is
- Hey, Tod, I took
my turtle bowling.
He got 150.
- Boy, that's pretty good.
- I know.
It's hard to roll a turtle
straight down the alley.
(audience laughs)
(Frank moaning)
- Frank.
Frank.
I had to sell the car for money.
- To buy food for the kids?
- More important than that.
I had to pay for your
life insurance policy.
But it's okay.
I'll be getting back
the money soon.
(audience laughs)
(Frank moans)
- Alright, Gernowski, MacDonald.
I want you two guys to get
out on that field and fight.
- Okay!
- Right!
(audience laughs)
- Good evening.
Who's the chief Yuban
guy around here?
Ah, young man, I was wondering,
as I wander through
life, I see these large
television antennae on the
pinnacle of large buildings.
And I was wondering,
I was wondering
if a private citizen
could have one erected
on the summit of his
personal domicile?
- Why, sure, you can
have one on the house.
- Ah, one on the house it is.
Good.
Make it the usual,
and omit the olive.
Leaves a little more
room for the bubbly.
(audience laughs)
Ah, pooky, pooky, pooky.
(audience laughs)
- See, I understand
John Wayne's making
another movie where
he wears a patch
over one eye and plays
a porter in an airport.
It's called True Grip.
(rim shot)
- You hear about the
lawyer who became a priest?
Instead of giving penance,
he took it to a higher court.
(nuns laugh)
- Oh, Sister Mary
Youngman, you're something.
- Oh, the life of a nunnery.
- You know, I took
two vows of silence.
One like this,
and one like this.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, it must be the
Flip Wilson show.
(audience laughs)
I didn't know Flip
wore a padded bra.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Have you seen that
new police dog movie?
- No, what's it called?
- The French Poodle Connection.
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- Lily, who's made out of melted
cheese and goes to Hanoi?
- I don't know, who?
- (laughs) Jane Fondue!
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Jack, did you ever
find the Dean Martin Show?
- No, no, I didn't.
- That's too bad.
Is there anything
we can do for you?
- Well, yes.
Yes, there is.
- What is it?
- Well, I wonder if
you wouldn't mind
if I mentioned that I
open tomorrow evening,
Tuesday, October
17th, in the Houston
Music Theater in Houston, Texas.
- Why, no, we don't mind.
Go right ahead, Jack.
(audience laughs)
- I just did.
(audience laughs)
I mentioned my opening at
the Houston Music Theater.
- Well, where is that, Jack?
- Where's what?
- The Houston Music Theater.
- I just told you.
In Houston, Texas.
Geez.
- Gee, we'd love to
go, Jack, but I'm not
really too sure
how to get there.
- How to get to Houston?
Well, now that's easy, look it.
You go straight down
Sepulveda Boulevard, you see.
You make a left at
Candor's Restaurant,
and then keep going
straight for about 1500 miles.
(audience laughs)
Then you turn right in Arizona.
You can't miss it.
(audience laughs)
- Now cut that out!
- Look, Jack, we'll all be
in Houston, but I want you
to see what' s going to
be on our show next week.
Would you two dingdongs
look right over there?
(whistle slides)
Our guest is Mike Connors.
(audience applauds)
(whistle slides)
With these great cameos:
Totie Fields,
(audience applauds)
then Charles Nelson Reilly.
(audience applauds)
- Well, you gotta take
the good with the bad.
I didn't find Dean
Martin, but then again
I didn't get hit
with water, either.
I know I shouldn't
have said that.
(water splashes)
(audience laughs)
I told you I shouldn't
have said that.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Hey, Willie, I understand
the wine workers
are going to unionize.
- Where'd you hear that?
- Through the grapevine.
(everyone laughs)
- Sarah!
- Yes, Dennis?
- Who rides with an Indian
and wears a size 42 mask?
- I don't know, who?
- The Lone Blimp.
(everyone laughs)
- Hey, guys, my aunt's so dirty,
once a year we have to weed her.
(everyone laughs)
- Donna, do you
remember the Alamo?
- The what?
- Nevermind.
(audience laughs)
- Who lives in the Old
West, carried a gun,
and drank a lot of Bromo?
- I don't know, who?
- Wyatt Burp.
(everyone laughs)
- Jack?
- What?
- Who wears a
crown and reigns over
a kingdom and cleans clothes?
- Who?
- Mary, Queen of Spots.
(everyone laughs)
- Hey, who said, "Give me
liberty or give me a truss?"
- I don't know, who?
- Captain (mumbles).
(everyone laughs)
- Hey, I have an
idea for a TV show.
It's about a bigot who
is always pregnant.
- What is it called?
- All in the Family Way.
(audience laughs)
- Who said I have
not yet begun to fight?
- I don't have the vaguest.
Who?
- John Paul Chicken.
(everyone laughs)
- It's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- First, I'd like to say thanks
to my dog, Morrie,
for saving my life.
- Well, how did Morrie
save you life, he asked?
- Yesterday morning,
while I was sleeping,
the top of my house caught fire.
- Well, and what
did your dog do?
- He woke me up and told
me the exact location of the fire.
- [All] What did he say?
- What did he say?
- Roof, roof.
(audience laughs)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauds)
(Dick barks)
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
And to all you folks out there,
I hope to see you
Wednesday night on Search.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Please.
(audience laughs)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick!
(players screaming)
- Goodnight, Dick.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
(Frank moaning)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Good-Bye, Frank.
(audience laughs)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick!
(audience laughs)
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
Pooky, pooky, pooky.
- Now what we're supposed to do
is look into the camera
and say, "Goodnight, Dick"
- Okay.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Watch your mouth, Cos.
(audience laughs)
(electricity zapping)
- Goodnight, Dick!
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Now let's say it together.
Goodnight, Dick.
- [Lily and Man In Blue
Shorts] Goodnight, Dick.
- You're supposed to
say that as well, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick!
(audience laughs)
- For a guy who's lost, I sure
have found a lotta friends.
(audience laughs)
(silly, fast-paced music)
(brakes screech)
(cars rushing)
(car honking)
(tires squealing)
(whistle sliding)
(woman laughing)
- Hear ye, hear ye, NBC, the
Nothing But Colonists network
goes back in
history and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauds)
Starring the
historical Dan Rowan
and the hysterical Dick Martin.
With Ruth Buzzi, Lily Tomlin,
Dennis Allen,
Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
Brian Bressler,
Pattie Deutsch, Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk,
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young,
Ian Bernard and
his band of lard,
and cameo appearances
by James Farentino,
Michele Lee,
Peter Marshall,
Hugh O'Brian,
Charles Nelson Reilly,
Frank Rowger.
This is Gary Owens,
reminding you
what George Washington
said when he came home
from the dentist: "Look,
Martha, no knotholes!"
(audience laughs)
- Hold it right there.
I'm Clark Kent.
- So what?
You're just a
mild-mannered reporter
for a great
Metropolitan newspaper.
- Perhaps this will
reveal my true identity.
- Good heavens,
it's Audrey Hepburn!
- What are you in for?
- Oh, (laughs) being
a flagrant hussy,
using paints, powders, and
other trickery to beguile men.
What are you in for?
- Same thing.
(audience laughs)
- Now, folks, I don't mind
getting fired from an acting job.
It's just that I resent
being called a canned ham.
(audience laughs)
- Captain, when are
we gonna take off?
- As soon as we get
instructions from the tower.
- On what runway to use?
- No, on how to fly the plane.
You wouldn't have a D
battery on you, would you?
- A what? (audience laughs)
- Honey?
- Yeah?
- Do you think we
could ever fill in
for Richard Burton
and Elizabeth Taylor?
- We could fill
in if you'd fill out.
(audience laughs)
- [Nuns] Good morning, sister.
- Speaking of
sisters, I know a nun
who's so bowlegged,
when she sits
around the convent, she
sits around the convent.
(audience laughs)
- Who was that?
- Sister Mary Youngman.
She's the life of the convent.
- Take my mother
superior, please.
(rim shot) (audience laughs)
- Tod, did you
take a bath today?
- Why, is one missing?
(audience laughs)
(cash register dings)
- Say, how are your ribs today?
- Well, just fine, give a feel.
Whoo, ain't that nifty?
That'll be $20 for
handling the merchandise.
- I only got a dollar's worth.
(audience laughs)
(chisel tapping)
- What are you making?
- Oh, about a buck 35 an hour.
(audience laughs)
- Ohh.
- Mr. Felton, you are
an evil, slave-driving,
unprincipled man,
and I can no longer
tolerate even the sight of you.
I quit!
Do you hear me? I quit!
- But you can't quit.
- Why not?
- Because you don't work here.
- Well, do you
have any openings?
(audience laughs)
- For rent, apartment: one
bedroom and nine bathrooms.
Ideal for person on
Stillman's water diet.
(audience laughs)
(patient moaning)
- Oh, honey,
honey, I just talked
to the doctor, and he
was very reassuring.
- Oh, what'd he say?
- Well, he said a young
woman like me shouldn't have
any trouble at all
finding another husband!
(audience laughs)
(patient moaning)
And I was so worried.
(audience laughs)
- Which one do
you think you want?
You've looked at
every lamp in the shop.
What's it gonna be?
- I'll take this lamp.
- Okay, fine.
Will that be cash or charge?
- Charge.
- Charge?
- Yeah.
(electricity zapping)
(audience laughs)
- Gee, I like it, but the
sleeves are a little long.
Do you think you
could fix that, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Gee, that's a lot better.
Thank you very much.
(audience laughs)
- Glad you like it.
- Look at all those people.
You know, it's ridiculous.
You know, they think that
football players are stupid.
- Yeah, they forget
we're in college.
- Right.
- Alright, number
10, get in there.
- Number 10?
Hey, Franco, quick, look
at the back of my shirt.
What number have I got?
(audience laughs)
- Uh, there's a
stick and a wheel.
- A stick and a wheel?
- Uh.
- Well, as long as
it ain't number 10.
(audience laughs)
- Case of Judge Harrison
vs. The El Cheapo
Furniture Company
is now in session.
(bangs gavel) (podium crashes)
(audience laughs)
- Hello, I'm the host
of the game show
The Hollywood Squares.
Now, we were
originally going to call it
The Hollywood
Circles, but the set
kept rolling off the stage.
(audience laughs)
- And now here's Prince
Rainier to sing Amazing Grace.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Hey, Ruthie.
- Yeah?
- My neighbor's a reformed
Jew and he mixes dairy and meat.
- Well, a lot of reformed
Jews mix dairy and meat.
- In the bathtub?
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Dennis!
What comedian steals
jokes in all languages?
- Oh, I don't know, who?
- Milton Burlitz!
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauds)
- Thank you, thank you very
much, ladies and gentlemen.
- Before we begin, before we
begin tonight, I wondered if...
- Wait a minute.
Isn't that Jack Benny?
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] Jack?
- That's Jack Benny.
- Let's get you in here.
Jack Benny! (audience applauds)
What are you doing here?
- I have my Straduvarius
and my lunch bag,
and I'm all set
for my violin solo.
- What violin solo?
You're not on the
show tonight, Jack.
- Well, of course I am.
It's in the contract.
- What?
- Yeah, it said violin
solo to be played
on the Dean Martin Show.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, this is the Rowan
and Martin Show.
- Oh, oh.
- Why did that happen?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
This is really embarrassing.
Well, where do I find
the Dean Martin Show?
- Oh, uh, NBC, 10
o'clock Thursday nights.
- No, no, Dick, he means
where in the building.
- Oh.
- Look, Jack, why don't you
join that tour group over there?
They'll take you
right over there.
- Oh, good.
- Guide, tour
guide, would you let
Mr. Benny join your tour group?
You're going to the Dean
Martin Show, aren't you?
Would you show him where it is?
- Certainly.
That will be $1, Mr. Benny.
- Alright.
Have you change for a $20 bill?
- Oh, I'm afraid not.
- Oh.
Well, here's a twenty,
keep the change.
- Thank you.
- Jack, that's a $19 tip.
- I know.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(audience applauds)
- Alright, thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
- [Both] And
welcome to Laugh-In.
What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- Reading your lips.
- Why, are you going deaf?
- Huh?
(audience laughs)
- Why are you reading my lips?
- Well, I tried
reading your ears,
but they didn't move enough
to make any sense to me.
(audience laughs)
- That's not
answering the question.
- Well, if you must
know, I learned
lip reading as an aid to
concentration at memory school.
- Lip reading as an
aid to concentration?
- It certainly are.
- Is are.
(audience laughs)
And you've been going
to a memory school?
I'm glad to hear it.
- I have been going
to a memory school.
- Where is this school?
- The school is in Dallas.
And it's a wonderful school.
- Oh, I don't care.
- And it's on the corner of, um.
- How far you
have to go if you're
gonna go to a good school.
- No, it's not there.
It's a red brick
building, I know that.
- In Dallas.
- Yes.
- Yes, well...
- No, it's in
Cleveland, actually.
I think they moved it, yes.
It's in Cleveland.
- And you graduated?
- No, it's Philadelphia.
- Did you graduate
from this memory school?
- I graduated from
memory school, yes.
- It doesn't seem to have
done you much good.
- Yes, it were.
- It's will.
- As a matter of
fact, what did me
the most good was
the wonderful speech
that our president
made at the exercises.
- The graduation ceremony?
- Yes, and he, when he said, uh.
Oh, he said, um,
he was a tall fellow.
- Very impressive speech.
- Yes.
I can't remember what he said,
but it sure does fit
here, I'll tell you that.
(audience laughs)
He said it, he handed me
the, um, the rolled up, uh...
- Diploma.
- Diploma, that's it, yes.
- How could you get a diploma?
Your memory's awful.
- Is that so?
I'll just have you know that
my memory is 100% improved!
- Since you went to
the memory school?
- Since I went to the what?
- Memory school.
- Memory school, right.
(audience laughs)
Why, just tonight,
standing right here,
I have memorized over 100 names.
- No, no foolin'?
- Yes.
- I'd like to see you do it.
- Alright.
- Alright, show me, boy.
- Gregory Peck, Candice
Bergen, Zsa Zsa Gabor,
President Nixon, Jim Henderson.
- Jim Henderson?
- He's my druggist.
- Oh.
- [Dick] Chuen Lei,
uh, Mickey Rooney.
- Hold it.
You know all those names.
- [Dick] Thank you.
- I mean, you reciting those
names doesn't prove a thing.
- Okay, you want to
hear some of the names
of the people sitting
in the audience?
- Well, that's more like it.
- Alright, folks, will
everyone stand up, please?
Ah, thank you.
Now, as you hear your
name called, please sit down.
You there, madam, we're
perfect strangers, is that correct?
- [Woman] Correct.
- We've never met before?
- [Woman] No, never.
- Alright, and your name is?
- [Woman] Helen Worth.
- Right, now sit down.
Next!
(Dan drowned out
by background noise)
- [Man] Barry Simpson!
- Wait, hold on.
- Barry Simpson, right!
Next!
- Well, now, now
that's utterly absurd.
- Utterly Absurd! Next!
(audience laughs)
- Wait, what's this, a canoe?
- [Man Under Canoe]
No, it's a long, green hat.
They didn't have my size.
(audience laughs)
- [Dick] Too bad they
couldn't find a red one.
- Oh, what's the idea, Cher?
- It's my dad's birthday.
- [Dan] But why two hydrants?
- Oh, he's crosseyed.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute.
- Yes?
- Aren't you Diogenes?
- Yes.
- Looking for an honest man?
- No, I give up on that.
Now I look for woman.
- [Dick] An honest woman?
- Not necessarily.
(audience laughs)
- A person, I sold
him a yellow bug light.
Now, would either of
you like to buy a poppy?
- Are you a veteran?
- No, sir, I'm just beginning.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Hey, you are Mrs.
Watson's dog, aren't you?
My name is Edith.
Edith Ann, and I'm
five-and-a-half years old.
I watch television all the time.
Do you watch television?
My favorite movie
star is Raquel Welch.
And I think will
be just like her
when I grow up,
except not so old.
(audience laughs)
And that's the truth.
(blows raspberry)
(patient moaning)
- I have something
to tell you, Frank.
- What?
- Well, Harry and I
are getting married.
- Couldn't you at least
wait until I was in my grave?
- Oh, we intend to.
We're not getting
married until Saturday.
(audience laughs)
- Come on, gang, go.
Get in there and fight!
(football players cheering)
(audience laughs)
- Mr. and Mrs. Howard, I hope
you're going to understand this.
I am going to have
to bus your son Jeffrey
to another school across town.
I feel this is the only
way he can learn
about integration and
harmony between the races.
(audience laughs)
- [Executioner] Ready?!
- What are you being shot for?
- Taking some clothes.
- [Executioner] Aim!
- What's so bad about that?
- Off El Presidente's wife?
- Fire! (audience laughs)
- Excuse me?
I'm supposed to appear on
the Dean Martin Show, but, um...
- Ohhh!
It's Dean Martin.
(audience laughs)
Oh, I'd know you anywhere.
I can tell by the saxophone.
(audience laughs)
- This is a violin case.
- Oh, Mr. Martin,
why do you keep
your saxophone in a violin case?
(audience laughs)
- I don't play a saxophone.
- Well, then why are
you carrying one around?
(audience laughs)
- Look, I'm lost.
I can't find my way.
- Lost?
He's lost.
Oh, do you hear that, friends?
He's lost.
You're lost.
He's lost.
- Look, look, I'm
just lost, I'm not poor.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- President Grover Cleveland.
(laughs) That has nothing to do
with anything, it's
just an answer we had
left over on The
Hollywood Squares.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Jud?
- Yeah, sure.
- Is that a handkerchief sticking
out of your breast pocket?
- No, I just happen to be
wearing very tall shorts.
(audience laughs)
- Liberace and Truman
Capote are so much alike,
I can just never get
those two straight.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Michele thought
Masters and Johnson
were a Vaudeville team.
- Boy, was I embarrassed
when I went to catch their act.
(audience laughs)
- Well, that's just great.
No, I mean, this is great.
You're playing cards.
Hello, girls.
- Hi.
- You're playing
cards while I had
a hard day with
three crummy lions.
Look, ripped 'em and clawing.
I lost two buttons,
how do you like that?
But, I mean, just
happen to be exhausted.
I don't want to
interrupt the game,
but may I have
my supper, please?
- Oh, Charles, please,
just for one night,
couldn't you get it yourself?
- Ho! Hey-ya!
Back, come on, come on!
Oh, hey-ya! Oh!
Alright, up on the
table, come on.
Hoo!
- What?!
Up on the table?
- Come on, you heard it, babe.
(audience laughs)
Oh, hey-ya.
Hoo-ha!
- Oh, now just a minute.
- Oh, now just a
minute, everyone quiet.
(woman screams)
- Oh, hey-ho!
Ho hey!
Ha hoo ha! (gun firing)
Back on the table!
Come on, let's go, back, back!
Let's move it back up.
Come on, hey-hoo wa-hoo-ha!
(woman roars)
Ho, hey!
(audience laughs)
Okay, come on.
(women crying out and growling)
Okay.
I want a pyramid, hoo-ha!
(speaking in foreign
language), ho-hey!
Okay, now smile.
Smile, hoo-wa.
(drum roll)
Drum, drum, drum.
Ha-hi!
(triumphant music)
(woman screaming)
Okay, okay, wait.
- Forget it, Frankie.
- Stop, stop!
- Wrap it up.
- Okay, girls,
don't growl at me.
I'll be glad to make supper.
Now, are you two staying?
- [Both] Yes, thank you.
(audience applauds)
- Okay, I'll get the place mats.
(silly music)
Clown it up Have a ball
Tell a joke, get
a laugh, try a fall
Make a face, ring a bell
Do a shtick, try a trick,
really shout shout shout
- [All] Whoo!
- Nowadays, a lot of
people travel by rail.
- That could be dangerous
if a train comes along.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, hey, Dennis?
- Yeah, man?
- Listen, did ya hear
that Elizabeth Taylor
had to lose 30 more
pounds for her last picture?
- Well, no kidding.
Boy, could I have had a
lot of fun with her leftovers.
- [All] Whoo!
- Hey, Brian?
- Yes, coming, my love.
- Did you hear
about the highjacker
who asked for a
million-dollar check,
and when he got
it, he was so happy,
he forgot to ask
for a parachute?
- No, what happened?
- Well, he and the
check bounced.
- [All] Whoo!
- Second chance.
(Lily cries out)
Oh, Lil.
Lil, Lil, Lil, so you
think newspapers
should print secret
government papers?
- Only in the
classified section.
- [All] Whoo!
- (mumbles) in 1976.
- What would you call that team?
- Amish and Agnew.
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
Cross your eyes Take a chance
If the crowd isn't
loud, drop your pants
If you're running
out of laughter
And you want to fill the cup
Clown it up, clown
it up, clown it up
Clown it up, clown it up,
clown it up, clown it up
(audience applauds)
(silly music)
(audience applauds)
- I have a French Poodle
that's so sophisticated,
when he fetches the paper,
he brings it in under his arm.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Hey, Mankowitz,
what's the matter?
- It's my teeth.
- Huh?
- [Mankowitz] My teeth.
- Your teeth, what's the
matter with your teeth?
- Oh, they hurt.
- Huh, let's see 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, Tod, what has two
heads, two arms, and six legs?
- I don't know, what?
- John Green on a horse.
(audience laughs)
- Ooh, there ya are.
- Oh, it's too heavy, Dot.
I can't carry all that.
- Well, my goodness.
(groceries clattering)
Well, there, now
that's light as a feather.
(audience laughs)
- What do I got to lose?
(audience laughs)
(knocking)
- [Oral] Yes?
- Oral, could I talk to you?
I'm Jack Benny.
- [Oral] Well, what do you want?
- I was wondering, could
you make me a permanent 39?
(door slams) (audience laughs)
Maybe I ought to
try Billy Graham.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I suppose
you're wondering
why we are attired
in colonial garb?
- No, I know all about that.
But I was wondering
why we have to
dress up in these funny clothes.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I'll answer
that question as well.
That's for tonight's salute.
- We're having an
in-depth look at Liberace?
(audience laughs)
- Close.
No, tonight we're
going back in time
to the days of the
American Revolution.
- Ah!
- Aha.
- That's when the
cossacks were running off
with the villages and
sacking the women.
- (Laughs) You
got that backwards.
- Well, what do cossacks know?
(both laugh) (audience laughs)
- Not very much,
but in the first place,
the cossacks didn't fight
in the American Revolution.
- Well, who did they fight?
- Bolsheviks.
- God bless you.
- Thank you.
(audience laughs)
Now, we'll be talking
about Valley Forge,
Lexington Green,
and Bunker Hill.
- And Fanny Hill.
- No.
Huh?
- Fanny Hill's a loose woman.
The others are famous battles.
- I had a famous battle
with a loose woman once.
- Oh, come on, Dick.
Now, why do ya
do things like that?
- Well, some things
are worth fighting for.
(audience laughs)
- You've got your
standards in the right place.
Precisely what our
early patriots thought.
Do you know anything at all
about George Washington?
- Yes. Everything.
- Everything?
(both laughing)
- As a matter of
fact, he paid a dollar
for a cherry tree, and
then he threw a hatchet
across the river
and lied about it.
(audience laughs)
- You got it.
- Right!
- You know everything.
- [Man] Speaking of hatchets.
- Speaking of hatchets?
You're a hatchet?
- No, I'm a tree surgeon.
- Oh, tree surgeon,
where ya goin'?
- Over to George Washington.
He wants a tooth trimmed.
(audience laughs)
Well, come on with us,
he may be at the party.
(audience applauds)
(lively music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You know, I voted for
Washington for president,
but I wouldn't buy a
used horse from him.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Sarah, my darling.
- Yes, Patty, my perfect?
- Do you know the
troops at Valley Forge
are gonna have a rough
Christmas this year?
- Why?
- Because Bob
Hope can't make it.
(audience laughs)
- My ancestors came
over on the Mayflower.
- That's nothin'.
My ancestors were the Mayflower.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Dennis, do you know
anything about George Washington?
- Oh, of course, he
had wooden teeth.
- Oh, everybody knows that.
- Well, not Martha.
See, she didn't find out
till he came home one night
with furniture
polish on his breath.
(audience laughs)
- Looks pretty bad, sir.
The men are
cuddling up for warmth.
- Cuddling up for warmth?
I was afraid of this.
Couldn't they at least wait
until we get to Valley Forge?
(audience laughs)
- My boyfriend,
Francis Scott Key,
sent me a song entitled
The Star Spangled Banner.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
- Why did he write it?
- Well, he figured
that sooner or later,
we're going to need something
to sing before baseball games.
(audience laughs)
- Isn't it great
living in a country
where all men are created equal?
- Yeah, it'll be
even better, man,
once we get rid of
them pushy Indians.
(audience laughs)
- My husband, Paul,
spent the night riding
through the streets,
screaming at the top of his lungs.
- Oh, why?
Are the British
coming, Mrs. Revere?
- Oh (laughs), no.
I forgot to take the pins
out of his new shorts.
(audience laughs)
- Why did they throw all that
tea off that boat in Boston?
- Well, Mary, it was
either that or get busted.
(audience laughs)
- Bugler?
We're outnumbered 100 to one.
We shall surely
all die, but let it
be said that we
went down fighting.
Sound charge.
- I don't believe
I know that one.
How 'bout Stardust?
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Betsy Ross.
- What?
- You've finished with the flag?
- Yeah.
Here it is.
- How come it's all white?
- Well, I thought
we were gonna lose.
(audience laughs)
(gavel banging)
- The chair recognizes the
Honorable Patrick Henry.
- Thank you.
We are deliberating the wisdom
of becoming a new nation.
I do not know how
the others will vote,
but as for me, give me
liberty, or give me death!
(gun fires)
Let me rephrase that.
(audience laughs)
Give me liberty,
or give me a hickey.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
- Dan, why did the war
have to go on so long?
Didn't King George
know that we wouldn't
quit fighting until we
got our independence?
- Well, I guess he
didn't want to be known
as the first English
king to lose a war.
(audience laughs)
- Hello, I am George Washington.
- Oh, no, you're not.
- You know any white dudes
named George Washington?
(audience laughs)
(pen scratching)
- John Hancock.
Why did you sign
your name so big?
- Just for insurance.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Lily Madison, how's
it going at the bakery?
- Not so good.
- No?
- I'll tell ya.
Last night, the
stove went bluey,
and my cupcakes runneth over.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- What do you want
me to do now, captain?
- I don't know, I think
you're supposed to
hang around and
wait for the Civil War.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, don't
you think the custom
of both sexes wearing white wigs
makes the men and women
look alike, Mr. Jefferson?
- Not at all.
And I'm Mrs. Jefferson.
(audience laughs)
(lively music)
- (gasps) Oh, look,
there's Ben Franklin.
- Why, yes.
- He's the guy
who's always saying,
"Early to bed,
early to rise, makes
"a man healthy,
wealthy, and wise."
Now what's he doing up so late?
- He probably found out
you can't get broads that way.
- Oh! (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Hey, that's a
wonderful battle plan.
I'll tell it to my general.
- Oh, but can he be trusted?
- Of course.
Hey, Benedict!
Rats, he's over talking
to Jack Anderson.
(audience laughs)
- General Washington, sir?
How many boats do we
need to cross the Delaware?
- We need three
boats for the troops,
and one boat for the fellow
that paints the pictures.
(audience laughs)
- Well, John, I certainly
was disappointed
in you today at the
Continental Congress.
- Well, why, dear?
- Well, first, Thomas
Paine stands up
and he says, "Taxation without
representation is tyranny."
Right? Okay.
Then, Patrick Henry
jumps to his feet
and yells, "Give me
liberty, or give me death!"
- Right.
- Right? Okay.
Then you, with your big chance
to make the
history books, right?
You pipe up with,
"Pooky, pooky, pooky."
(audience laughs)
- I say, did you hear,
at Boston Harbor
the revolutionists dumped a
shitload of tea into the harbor.
No doubt this will
herald the start
of a great American tradition.
- Freedom for all?
- No, water pollution.
(audience laughs)
(man gasps)
- Listen, I finally figured out
why the Indians
always attack at night.
- Really? Why?
- Well, would you
go out in the daytime
with all that makeup on?
(audience laughs)
- The patriots are
holding scrap-paper drive
to raise money for ammunition.
Do you have any old
newspapers or magazines?
- Uh, just this,
and I regret, I have
but one LIFE to
give for my country.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- Coach, coach, Felatsio's hurt.
- What's the matter with him?
- I don't know, we think it's
his leg, but we're not sure.
- Why not?
- We can't find it.
(audience laughs)
- Get in there and look for it.
- Oh, okay.
- Between commercials,
have a beer,
and then go, "Pooky,
pooky, pooky."
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
(lively music)
What's in news starting nation
We have got information
In a way that's endearing
Everybody shouting,
ole-ing, and cheering
We just love to
give you our news
La da di da
Senior and seniora, el
Laugh-In looks at the news
(women crying out)
With Dan and Ricardo, ole
(audience applauds)
- [Gary] And now it's
time for the Laugh-In News
with Hans Brinker in Dutch,
Judge Crater out of touch,
Hugh Hefner in a hutch, and
Mario Andretti at the clutch.
- First these news headlines.
- Airlines go on strike, Mariorti
stranded in Los Angeles.
(audience laughs)
- Italian mortgage company
places lien on Tower of Pisa.
(audience laughs)
- Gay lib member
released from prison
promises to go straight.
(audience laughs)
- And now, here's Dick
with News of the Present.
- Uh, Frasier, the
world-famous lion,
you've heard of
him, haven't you?
- [Dan] Yes, I've heard of
Frasier, the world-famous lion.
- Well, he, uh, despite
being the equivalent
of 100 years old, died after
siring 35 cubs in 16 months.
He was finally buried in
Laguna Beach, California,
after the veterinarians
spent three days
trying to wipe the
smile off his face.
(audience laughs)
Dateline, the North Pole.
Explorer Morton
Moss announced today
the discovery of a gay
liberation movement.
Uh, make that, it's
a village, actually.
- [Dan] Settlement.
- Settlement.
That's a good name
for it, settlement.
(audience laughs)
- What did he do then?
- Well, Mr. Moss knew
he was onto something
when he came across a
number of igloos made of jello.
- Jello?
- Yes, two grape, two
strawberry, and one tutti fruity.
(audience laughs)
And here's Dooz with
the fews of the nanders.
- News of the Future, 20 years
from now, Washington D.C.
Famous hotel
magnate Conrad Hilton
today became the 42nd
president of the United States.
10 minutes after he
entered the White House,
he immediately reported
that all the towels,
ashtrays, and soap were missing.
(audience laughs)
- He was up in the tree, yeah.
- Hotel business.
- Oh.
- News of the Future,
20 years from now.
Pete Ron of St.
Louis failed today
in his attempt to
be the first man
to peddle a
bicycle-powered aircraft
through the air for a full mile.
"I might have
made it," Pete said,
"but halfway through the flight,
"there was a scuffle
between the navigator
"and one of the stewardesses."
(audience laughs)
- A news bulletin.
Carlo Ponti, Sophia
Loren's husband,
is rushing to her bedside.
- [Dan] Ohh.
- Not that she's sick.
- Oh. (audience laughs)
Here's a special news feature.
With all the goings
on in Paradise
is our heavenly
reporter, Angel Good.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
Scoobity dooby, dooby dooby
I always wanted to
be with a jazz band.
Hi, this is Angel Good
with the news from Heaven.
A terrible thing has happened.
The Harry Houdini Amelia
Earhart romance is on the rocks.
This is a real downer.
Last night, when Amelia
asked Harry where he had
disappeared to, he
told her to get lost.
(snaps fingers)
(audience laughs)
(drowned out by
background noise)
Oh, but a funny thing happened.
Cecil B. DeMille and
Moses has an argument
over who produced the
original 10 Commandments.
And during the fight,
they broke four of 'em.
(audience laughs)
Ooh, I tell ya, we have
a good time up here.
Oh, wait a minute, holy
smoke, beg your pardon.
(audience laughs)
My time is up.
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
Over and out.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
(audience applauds)
- We now take you to
the Florida Everglades
for an interview
with the new winner
of the alligator
wrestling contest.
(alligator squeaks)
(audience laughs)
Here's a special
Hollywood report
with Sue Cameron,
internationally famous columnist.
- Victor Buono and Totie Fields
are taking a few days
off from the shooting
of their current
picture to get married.
But the shooting
schedule being tight as it is,
they've decided to mix business
with pleasure and
film the honeymoon.
In Arizona, Colorado,
and parts of New Mexico.
- Fascinating, thank
you. (audience laughs)
Now to Japan for
news of the Far East.
- Uh, Miss Osaka has some strong
feelings about American movies.
- Yes, I very much
object to Japanese people
being portrayed as stereotypes.
- Well, I would take
it then you dislike it
when movies have the Japanese
saying such things as, "Ah, so."
- Ah, so.
(audience laughs)
- Now to the tropics
and life in the islands.
- Well, here in the
tropical islands,
we are talking to some
of the island people
to learn about
their way of life.
You, sir, are from
the Canary Islands.
- Right.
- Tell me, what is
the main occupation
of people in the Canary Islands?
- Spreading newspaper.
(audience laughs)
- And you, Tandeleah, you
are from the Virgin Islands.
What do your people do?
- Nothing.
(audience laughs)
Absolutely nothing.
(Lily laughs)
- And now the rural news.
- Hi, Judge Drunk here from
Farmington with the main news.
Barnard Bedscoe of Baymoth
of a big broser from Belfast
bought himself one of them
newfangled electric
milkin' machines.
Supposed to cut
his work in half.
Only trouble is, when
he went to hook it up
to the power pole,
he accidentally
tapped into the telephone wires.
Now, whenever he
goes to milk his cow,
he gets a busy signal
and a bucket full of dimes.
(audience laughs)
The cow gets quite
a charge out of it, too.
(audience laughs)
- This week a special
feature for the ladies,
our home economist, Meg Cracken.
- Oh, hi there, food
fans, this is Meg Cracken
reporting to you for the people
from Fullman Frozen Foods.
This week, Fullman
Frozen Foods is
introducing a frozen
sit-down dinner
for two that's ready
in nine minutes.
All you have to do
is find two people
dumb enough to sit
on it for nine minutes.
(audience laughs)
Be sure to watch
my show next week
when my guest
Henny Youngman will
show you how
his wife burns jello.
Please.
(audience laughs)
- Let's hear now from
the China Russian border.
- Oh, greetings, comrade.
How are you today?
- Nevermind the small talk.
Are my shirts ready?
- Oh, very funny, round eyes.
(audience laughs)
Now I tell you a joke.
One Russian says, "Who was that
"tractor I saw you with
last night?" (laughs)
And the other Russian
says, "That was no tractor.
"That was my wife."
- Hmm.
You regular Chinese Ed Sullivan.
- Thank you. Thank you.
La da di da
Ladies and gents,
Laugh-In looked at the news
(women crying out)
(audience applauds)
- How are you feeling, Frank?
- I'm sinking fast.
- Take your time.
I still have a half hour
left on the parking meter.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, wait a minute, there was
supposed to be a squash
here, and I don't see one.
- Well.
(smashes bag)
See one now.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- You know, I don't think my
uncle knows much about sex.
- Why is that?
- Because when
I was a little kid,
he tried to tell me about
the birds and the birds.
- Oh!
(audience laughs)
- Ruthie!
- Yeah?
- Did ya hear about
the construction worker
who was always tellin' lies?
- No, what about him?
- He spoke with
a forklift tongue.
(audience laughs)
(birds tweeting)
- Hey, man, how
you doin' there, sport?
- Hey, uh, what it is
and who you is, man?
- You're puttin' me on, man.
You're puttin' me on.
This is me, it's
your old buddy Cos.
- Look, are you talkin'
to me like a brother,
but are you tryin' to
tell me you Bill Cosby?
- In the flesh.
- Uh, you sound like Bill
Cosby, but in the wrong flesh.
(drowned out by
background noise)
You don't look like no
Bill Cosby I've ever seen.
- Listen, I'd like to stay
and talk to you, man,
but I got to go pick
up Fat Albert, you see,
'cause we're gonna
rehearse my television show.
- Oh, yeah?
What kinda television
show you got?
- It's a variety show, you see,
'cause I happen to dig variety.
- Yeah, I can see that, but
what you gonna be next week?
Uh, green?
(audience laughs)
- Say, I really do
gotta split, man.
But that's cool,
'cause I'll see ya round.
- Hey, man, who was that?
- I don't know, man.
He was either some
white dude doin'
a great imitation of Bill
Cosby, or it was Bill Cosby,
doing a fantastic imitation
of some white dude.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
- And let us not forget
that age old question,
where are my prunes?
(audience laughs)
- Hey!
- Hey, Smith?
- Yeah?
- Come here.
Look, you're a good
quarterback, see,
but this is the last
time I'm gonna tell you,
you're only supposed to pat 'em
on the rump when
you're out in the field.
- Does that go for kissing, too?
(audience laughs)
- Boy, I'm glad we
finally got them together,
but, you know, Mother
is a little hard of hearing.
But she's so darn stubborn,
she won't do a thing about it.
- That's alright, because
my dad is the same way.
Let's hope they get along.
- Yeah.
- Okay, let's go.
- Where ya from, stranger?
- Just fine, thank you!
Tell me where you're from.
- Just fine, got a
little pain in my hip.
- It's a nice part
of the country.
- You like to dance?
- Certainly is.
Now all the evenings
are getting a little cool.
- You like music?
I'll get some
music on the radio.
- Some nights
it's so cold, I can
hardly make it across the floor.
Starts right here.
(sports talk on radio)
- So all I can do is to
hobble around like this.
- [Man On Radio] With
a snap from center,
Gabriel gets ready to throw.
- You like to dance, eh?
Have to keep fit.
- I see you got a (mumbles).
It's a slipped disc.
- I like these
newfangled dances.
- Sometimes it helps to kick it
like that and pop
it back in place.
- Oh, I got ya, I got ya.
A conga line.
- I think I'm goin' down.
- Whoo, I feel just
like Carmen Miranda.
(audience laughs)
- I need some extra oomph.
(audience applauds)
- Here's another one.
Dear Moosie, every time I
call my dog, he won't come.
Signed, Dave.
- Dear Dave, maybe you're
calling the wrong number.
(audience laughs)
- Let's see, two pounds
of potatoes, that's $1.15.
- I never bought these
kind of potatoes before.
Do you think they'll
taste good mashed?
- Well, let me see.
(hammer thuds)
(audience laughs)
Mm, tastes right good to me.
- Oh, excuse me.
I'm looking for...
Well, for heaven's sakes,
if it isn't Sanford and Son.
(audience laughs)
I'm so pleased to
meet you, Mr. Sanford.
- Uh, uh, I ain't Mr. Sanford.
- Oh.
Are you Mr. Sanford?
- No, I'm not
Mr. Sanford, either.
- Well, when he
comes in, would you
tell him I'm so
pleased to meet him?
(audience laughs)
Right now, I have
to find Dean Martin.
I'm looking for his studio.
Maybe you could come
along and show me the way?
- Okay, coming, Mr. Vinny.
(audience laughs)
- Wait a minute.
Say that again.
- Comin', Mr. Vinny.
- Rochester, what
have they done to you?
(audience applauds)
- How's it going, O'hara?
- Oh, I'll tell ya,
it's very hard
getting used to a desk job.
(audience laughs)
(horse whinnies)
- You know something, Leonard?
I really respect wine
makers, don't you?
- I worship the very
grapes they walk on.
(both laugh) (audience laughs)
Hey, you know something?
Today was not my day.
I was very rudely
awakened this morning.
- Well, what happened, Leonard?
- The street cleaner
ran over my tongue.
(both laugh) (audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
(silly music)
- Richard!
- Yes?
- Who leads a marching band
and can fix his own instrument?
- Who?
- John Phillips Screwdriver.
(audience laughs)
- Ha ha, Sarah.
- Yeah?
- Who shoots pool, weighs 300
pounds, and drives dogs crazy?
- I don't know, who?
- Minnesota fleas.
(audience laughs)
(spritely music)
- Hi, hi, Billy.
Lovely to see you gentlemen.
I'm sorry I'm a little late.
- [Dan] Well, I hope you got
something today worthwhile.
- Are you kidding?
I've just signed the
kid I got back here
a million-dollar deal.
- [Dan] The same guy that
had that elephant in last week?
- I had the elephant, yes.
Mistake.
But wait, I wouldn't know
the floor wouldn't carry it.
I have dynamite here.
A million-dollar deal.
- [Dick] What does she do?
- Sing.
- [Dick] Oh, well.
- I can get someone
else to sign this.
- [Dick] Girl singer huh?
- Phyllis, Phyllis. Watch.
(mumbles)
Give it to the (drowned
out by background noise).
(audience laughs)
(gentle piano music)
Oh man river, that old man river
He must know something
But he don't do nothin'
He just keeps rollin'
- You're putting me on.
He just keeps rolling along
- Tempo, tempo.
- [Dick] Ger her outta here.
- [Dan] Thank you
very much, thank you.
- Uh, Phyllis?
Oh, I can explain.
Phyllis! Phyllis.
Don't get
I'll be back.
I have just, do you validate?
(audience laughs)
Phyllis, Phyllis.
- Next!
But old man river, he
just keep rollin' along
- Hey, fellow, you
forgot something!
(audience applauds)
(drowned out by
background noise)
(upbeat music)
- [Woman] Oh. (laughs)
Okay, I open.
- [Man] I call.
And raise you.
(man laughs)
- [Woman] I call.
And (laughs) raise you.
(audience laughs)
- [Man] I call.
And raise you.
Hoo.
- [Woman] Well, I call.
(both laugh)
And raise you.
(both laugh)
- [Man] Whoopee!
I call.
See, one two.
And raise.
(woman cries out and laughs)
- [Woman] I love it.
- [Man] Belong to Geller?
- [Woman] Oh, well that's it.
(woman laughing)
- [Man] What's the matter?
You chicken?
- No, there's a couple
of machines open now.
- Oh, okay.
(audience applauds)
- Wait a minute, this is
- Hey, Tod, I took
my turtle bowling.
He got 150.
- Boy, that's pretty good.
- I know.
It's hard to roll a turtle
straight down the alley.
(audience laughs)
(Frank moaning)
- Frank.
Frank.
I had to sell the car for money.
- To buy food for the kids?
- More important than that.
I had to pay for your
life insurance policy.
But it's okay.
I'll be getting back
the money soon.
(audience laughs)
(Frank moans)
- Alright, Gernowski, MacDonald.
I want you two guys to get
out on that field and fight.
- Okay!
- Right!
(audience laughs)
- Good evening.
Who's the chief Yuban
guy around here?
Ah, young man, I was wondering,
as I wander through
life, I see these large
television antennae on the
pinnacle of large buildings.
And I was wondering,
I was wondering
if a private citizen
could have one erected
on the summit of his
personal domicile?
- Why, sure, you can
have one on the house.
- Ah, one on the house it is.
Good.
Make it the usual,
and omit the olive.
Leaves a little more
room for the bubbly.
(audience laughs)
Ah, pooky, pooky, pooky.
(audience laughs)
- See, I understand
John Wayne's making
another movie where
he wears a patch
over one eye and plays
a porter in an airport.
It's called True Grip.
(rim shot)
- You hear about the
lawyer who became a priest?
Instead of giving penance,
he took it to a higher court.
(nuns laugh)
- Oh, Sister Mary
Youngman, you're something.
- Oh, the life of a nunnery.
- You know, I took
two vows of silence.
One like this,
and one like this.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, it must be the
Flip Wilson show.
(audience laughs)
I didn't know Flip
wore a padded bra.
(audience laughs)
(silly music)
- Have you seen that
new police dog movie?
- No, what's it called?
- The French Poodle Connection.
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- Lily, who's made out of melted
cheese and goes to Hanoi?
- I don't know, who?
- (laughs) Jane Fondue!
- [All] Whoo!
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Jack, did you ever
find the Dean Martin Show?
- No, no, I didn't.
- That's too bad.
Is there anything
we can do for you?
- Well, yes.
Yes, there is.
- What is it?
- Well, I wonder if
you wouldn't mind
if I mentioned that I
open tomorrow evening,
Tuesday, October
17th, in the Houston
Music Theater in Houston, Texas.
- Why, no, we don't mind.
Go right ahead, Jack.
(audience laughs)
- I just did.
(audience laughs)
I mentioned my opening at
the Houston Music Theater.
- Well, where is that, Jack?
- Where's what?
- The Houston Music Theater.
- I just told you.
In Houston, Texas.
Geez.
- Gee, we'd love to
go, Jack, but I'm not
really too sure
how to get there.
- How to get to Houston?
Well, now that's easy, look it.
You go straight down
Sepulveda Boulevard, you see.
You make a left at
Candor's Restaurant,
and then keep going
straight for about 1500 miles.
(audience laughs)
Then you turn right in Arizona.
You can't miss it.
(audience laughs)
- Now cut that out!
- Look, Jack, we'll all be
in Houston, but I want you
to see what' s going to
be on our show next week.
Would you two dingdongs
look right over there?
(whistle slides)
Our guest is Mike Connors.
(audience applauds)
(whistle slides)
With these great cameos:
Totie Fields,
(audience applauds)
then Charles Nelson Reilly.
(audience applauds)
- Well, you gotta take
the good with the bad.
I didn't find Dean
Martin, but then again
I didn't get hit
with water, either.
I know I shouldn't
have said that.
(water splashes)
(audience laughs)
I told you I shouldn't
have said that.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Hey, Willie, I understand
the wine workers
are going to unionize.
- Where'd you hear that?
- Through the grapevine.
(everyone laughs)
- Sarah!
- Yes, Dennis?
- Who rides with an Indian
and wears a size 42 mask?
- I don't know, who?
- The Lone Blimp.
(everyone laughs)
- Hey, guys, my aunt's so dirty,
once a year we have to weed her.
(everyone laughs)
- Donna, do you
remember the Alamo?
- The what?
- Nevermind.
(audience laughs)
- Who lives in the Old
West, carried a gun,
and drank a lot of Bromo?
- I don't know, who?
- Wyatt Burp.
(everyone laughs)
- Jack?
- What?
- Who wears a
crown and reigns over
a kingdom and cleans clothes?
- Who?
- Mary, Queen of Spots.
(everyone laughs)
- Hey, who said, "Give me
liberty or give me a truss?"
- I don't know, who?
- Captain (mumbles).
(everyone laughs)
- Hey, I have an
idea for a TV show.
It's about a bigot who
is always pregnant.
- What is it called?
- All in the Family Way.
(audience laughs)
- Who said I have
not yet begun to fight?
- I don't have the vaguest.
Who?
- John Paul Chicken.
(everyone laughs)
- It's time to say
goodnight, Dick.
- First, I'd like to say thanks
to my dog, Morrie,
for saving my life.
- Well, how did Morrie
save you life, he asked?
- Yesterday morning,
while I was sleeping,
the top of my house caught fire.
- Well, and what
did your dog do?
- He woke me up and told
me the exact location of the fire.
- [All] What did he say?
- What did he say?
- Roof, roof.
(audience laughs)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
(audience applauds)
(Dick barks)
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
And to all you folks out there,
I hope to see you
Wednesday night on Search.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Please.
(audience laughs)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick!
(players screaming)
- Goodnight, Dick.
Heaven, I'm in Heaven
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
(Frank moaning)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Good-Bye, Frank.
(audience laughs)
- [All] Goodnight, Dick!
(audience laughs)
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
Pooky, pooky, pooky.
- Now what we're supposed to do
is look into the camera
and say, "Goodnight, Dick"
- Okay.
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Watch your mouth, Cos.
(audience laughs)
(electricity zapping)
- Goodnight, Dick!
- [Both] Goodnight, Dick!
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Now let's say it together.
Goodnight, Dick.
- [Lily and Man In Blue
Shorts] Goodnight, Dick.
- You're supposed to
say that as well, you know.
(audience laughs)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- [All] Goodnight, Dick!
(audience laughs)
- For a guy who's lost, I sure
have found a lotta friends.
(audience laughs)
(silly, fast-paced music)
(brakes screech)
(cars rushing)
(car honking)
(tires squealing)
(whistle sliding)
(woman laughing)