Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 5 - Episode #6.5 - full transcript
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in!
(audience applauding)
- Welcome.
- Ladies and gentlemen
we're very happy to have
as our guest tonight the
handsome star of Bonanza.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Michael Landon.
- Yeah, ho!
(audience cheering
and applauding)
Happy you could make it.
- Well I was a little worried,
I was afraid for a
minute I couldn't make it.
- What happened?
- Well, very fortunately, we
were rained out on location,
otherwise I wouldn't be here.
There's water everyplace.
- Water everywhere?
- Yeah.
- Well, we're glad you made it.
- Well, I'm glad to be here.
- We want you to
feel right at home.
- I do.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
You told me it
wasn't gonna rain, Pa.
(thunder rumbling)
(water splashing)
- I'm Sarah.
Fly me to Miami.
- I think that's silly.
I mean, look at it this way,
If the good Lord had
intended for Cheryl to fly, right?
- [Man] Yeah, yeah, all right.
- He would have
given her four engines
and a bigger
baggage compartment.
(audience laughing)
That's right.
- Nurse, raise the patient's
head a little higher, please.
(slide whistle rising)
No, a little higher
than that, please.
(slide whistle rising)
Oh no, no, a little
higher, please.
(slide whistle
rising then falling)
- How do you know
when you're cured?
- Well it's easy.
At dinnertime, when
you swallow your spoon,
it doesn't taste
like fish anymore.
(audience laughing)
(triangle clanging)
- Come and get it!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Barlow?
- Hey, Zeke.
- Reckon we better get a-goin'.
- Oh, don't bother about Barlow,
she's talkin' about dinner.
(audience laughing)
(woman sobbing)
- Poor old Eddie.
Gee, I'm gonna miss him.
The greatest racetrack
driver in the whole world.
- (sobbing) Yeah, pretty
soon, he'll be driving in that
big speedway in the sky.
(casket zooming)
(audience laughing)
- You know Dick, I
have a jazz background.
- You got a pretty jazzy
foreground too, Dell.
(both and audience laughing)
- Stick 'em up!
- Sure.
- That's terrific.
- Bartender, your ears I need.
I have something to tell you
I've seldom told another man.
- What's that?
- Boogie boogie boogie!
- Hey Moosie, you
believe in Santa Claus?
- Nah, Santa Claus isn't real.
- Who told you that?
- The tooth fairy.
(audience laughing)
(hammer rapping on board)
- What are you doing, Father?
- Oh, hello Patti.
Well, we're enlarging
the confessional.
It's election year, you know.
(audience laughing)
(ship horn blaring)
- I understand this
ship is unsinkable.
- That's very
correct, it's impossible
for anything to damage it.
Knock on wood (knocking).
(rail crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Kitty, I'd
like a hamburger.
- Regular or deluxe?
- What's the difference?
- Well, when I make a
deluxe, I wash my hands.
(audience laughing)
- Me Tarzan, you Jane.
- Me Tarzan, you Jane.
- No, me Tarzan, you Jane!
- No, me Tarzan, you Jane!
- All right, flip.
(wacky kazoo music)
- Tails.
- All right, you Tarzan,
me Jane.
- Kiss me now.
(Dick snickering)
(audience laughing)
(women yelling)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Wildlife Refuge
and Motor Speedway,
NBC, the New Batch of
Commercials network present
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauding)
Starring the
eagle-eyed Dan Rowan,
and the pigeon-toed Dick Martin.
With guest star, Michael
Landon and Ruth Buzzi.
Lily Tomlin, Dennis
Allen, Richard Dawson.
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass.
Brian Bressler, Patti Deutsch.
Sarah Kennedy, Jud Strunk.
Willie Tyler and Lester,
and Donna Jean Young.
With special appearances
by Steve Allen,
Mama Cass Elliot,
and Della Reese.
Frank Welker, Henny Youngman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word for those of you
with a poor memory.
Let's see, what was that word?
(audience laughing)
Oh, I know it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(enthusiastic music)
(audience applauding)
- All right, somebody wanna
tell me what's going on?
- [Dick] Hi, hi, hi!
(audience applauding)
- Don't come out here, "Hi, hi!"
Who's this guy?
Well, he's my stand-in.
I had a phone call just
as the show started,
so I sent him out.
You did very well.
(audience laughing)
- We don't use
stand-ins on this show.
- Don't say that, I
promised him job security.
- I don't care what
you promised him.
I don't have a stand-in.
Just because you can't
find someone that looks
exactly like you,
don't take it out on him.
(audience laughing)
- This is ridic, you
think he looks like you?
- Well, I'll admit he doesn't
have my strong chin line.
(audience laughing)
- I can't believe it.
- Other than that, it's
like looking into a mirror.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Same barrel chest,
same brawny arm.
(Dan laughing)
The resemblance is remarkable.
Just look at us.
(audience laughing) Huh?
- A pair of twins.
You know something,
you're too much.
- Well, thank you,
from the both of us.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
How much is he paying you?
- Don't try to make
him a better offer,
he's not your double.
- I don't want him.
- Well okay, don't talk to him.
If he talks, I have
to pay him more.
- Oh.
It's unbelievable.
- Huh.
If you care to write him a note,
I'll see that he sends one back.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not interested in
writing him any notes.
- Then you'll just
have to stay lonely.
(audience laughing)
I think Dan's getting jealous.
(Dan groaning)
- Well, I gotta tell
you something,
this is not going to work.
I have to be with you.
I must be only with you.
- Well I, I never
knew that, Dan.
(audience laughing)
You could've given me
some hint a few years ago.
- What can I say?
Well you might start out
by saying, "I love you."
- Oh come on, what's
the matter with you?
- Were those flowers from you?
- No, the flowers, I never
sent you any flowers.
Never did, never will, I
will never send you flowers.
- That's your trouble,
you take me for granted.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna take you, excuse me.
- I think he's taking
me to the flower shop.
- [Dan] I'm gonna...
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, and welcome to
Lyle Waggoner's
Laugh-In (laughing)!
(audience applauding)
- What's in a name?
I'll tell you what's in a name.
Would the women of
London have been terrorized
by Lester the Ripper?
(audience laughing)
- And could The Face that
Launched a Thousand Ships
have belonged to
Helen of Pittsburgh?
- Do you really think that
Salome would have thrown off
her seven veils and
beheaded Bob the Baptist?
- And another thing.
If you were an animal, would
you have filed two by two
onto Stanley's ark?
(audience laughter)
- Would the world have
cared if Julius Caesar said,
"Et tu, Elmer?"
- I ask you, could all of
Asia have been conquered by
Genghis Schwartz?
- It was revealed today
that six weeks ago,
Russian chessmaster
Boris Spassky,
angered by American
chess wizard Bobby Fischer,
halted in the middle of
a ponder, and gave him
a critically cute,
"Ookie pookie pookie."
- Sister, I have a
confession to make.
- Oh, well don't tell
me, tell Father Quinn.
That's what he gets
paid for (laughing).
- And now, Freddy the
Fabulous will swallow a sword!
(women cheering)
(Freddy crunching)
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm 5 1/2 years old,
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what?
Every Saturday, before
me and Papa go to Par's bar,
we always watch the
football game on television.
And I told Papa I
know what is wrong.
If they wouldn't always
start out so close together,
they wouldn't keep
bumping into each other.
(audience laughing)
And that's the truth.
(Edith raspberries)
(casually comedic music)
(door slamming)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Get out!
You... Masher!
- Yah (whipping paper)!
(audience laughing
then applauding)
- Don't slam the
door, the cake'll fall!
(cake splatting)
- This here town ain't big
enough for the both of us.
- Yeah?
(cowboy grunting)
- I think in a place like
this, there should be
a woman for every man.
- Oh Sarah, there is.
She lives on the third floor.
(audience laughing)
- We gotta remember
on the next job,
don't call Chicken
Delight from the hideout.
(slide whistle falling)
(prisoner thudding)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'll see you again.
- Okay, thanks Red.
- Try not to bend
that and bring it back.
- Yeah, I know.
- How you today, Mrs. Ross?
- Just fine, thanks.
- Let's see, here's
a quart of milk.
That's a half a
gallon, ain't it?
44 cents.
A bunch of squash.
Let's see, that must
weigh about 15 ounces,
that'll be 62 cents.
(register rumbling)
That's a cute little
baby you got there.
- Thank you.
- That'll be one baby, $14.98.
(audience laughing)
(bird tweeting)
- Hey Zeke, I
mean (chuckling)...
You're Barlow, ain't you?
- Talking to yourself
again, ain't you Zeke?
- Yeah.
Listen Barlow, how come
you never got married up?
- Well Zeke, once I almost did.
Yep, right up till
the last minute,
then the shotgun jammed.
(Zeke and audience laughing)
- Quiet, quiet on the set.
Mafia Story, take the
fifth (clapping board).
- Anybody who thinks
black is always beautiful,
hasn't seen Moms
Mabley early in the morning.
(audience laughter)
- I am here tonight because
people have been saying
there is a particularly
tasteless person
appearing on this program.
- Why don't you leave
and they'll stop saying that?
- Mike, Bonanza's been
on the air so many years,
you ever get tired
of riding that horse?
- (laughing) No.
- No?
- Not anymore, I got me one
of them orthopedic saddles.
- Oh, they're good.
- Good on the cheekies.
(Dan and audience laughing)
- Henny, what would
you like for lunch?
- Speaking of pissed, right?
When I was a kid, we were
so poor, I was made in Japan.
My mother used to take
in laundry and keep it.
When we got evicted,
it was a step up.
- Oh, all I ever get from
you is jokes, jokes, jokes.
- And I'm gonna
keep telling them till
I get laughs, laughs, laughs.
- Okay, this is a robbery
and I don't want
any funny business.
- Good, you can have my act.
- Listen mister, I'm desperate.
I haven't had a
bite to eat in weeks.
- Hey, a guy said that to
me yesterday and I bit him,
once like this, once like this.
(audience laughing)
- And I'm sick and tired
of living in cheap hotels.
- Speaking of cheap hotels,
once I had a room so small,
the mice were hunchback.
(wife gasping and groaning)
I had to go out in the hall
to change your mind.
- Air conditioned rooms, the
guy came up and for 20 minutes,
he blew through the keyhole.
(wife groaning)
(audience laughing)
The food was so bad, the
flies brought their own lunch.
- I can't stand it!
Will you stop it, Henny?
- [Robber] Henny?
You're Henny Youngman,
the famous comedian?
- That's right.
- You ought to be
worth a lot of money.
I think I'll kidnap you instead.
- Take my wife, please.
- No, I'm just
taking both of you.
All right now, come
on, move, move it!
- This is terrific.
This is the first time we've
been out together in 42 years.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
(taxi screeching)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(band music)
Give a yell, give a cheer
Give a look and lend an ear
'Cause it's time
for the big salute
Give a whoop, give a hey
Try to zippy hip hooray
Fall in line for the big salute
Lots of calls so now you
go say floy joy, floy joy
Chippy chinny jooloo walla
Have we got some things to see
Sure, we got some things to see
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
salutes commercials on TV
Keep a stiff upper lip
Feed the birds and save the ship
With a salute, a
salute, a salute
A salute, a salute, a salute
That's a-nice, that's
a-cute Take a swing
It's that big salute
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- You know, there's one
good thing about those boring,
ridiculous television
commercials.
- Yeah, they give you a
break from those boring,
ridiculous television programs.
(all laughing) (comedic tune)
- Here, here.
- Isn't it ironic that those
commercials about deodorant,
soap, and mouthwash warn
us about being offensive?
(all chattering in
agreement) (comedic tune)
- Since the FCC requires
commercials to be truthful,
we've lost a few of them.
- Now if they require
them to be good,
we gone lose a few more.
(audience laughing)
(comedic tune)
- (huffing) I'm
leaving you, Charles!
- Oh, you can't leave me!
If I can't have
you, no one will!
(wife laughing)
- You must be joshing!
- [Charles] Joshing, eh?
(wacky kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
(wife gagging)
- Please, Charles!
This girdle is killing me!
(audience laughing)
(cans clanking)
- Oh, I'm awfully sorry!
- Oh, oh, wait a minute!
Are you, are you Durwood Kirby?
- Well, that's right, yes I am.
- Will you give me your address?
I'm suing you for whiplash.
(audience laughing)
- One criticism of TV
commercials has been that they're
louder than the
regular programs...
- [All Except Lily]
That's not true!
- Look, we ran it through the
computer and it's decided that
we have to give our candidate
a brand new television image.
- Good idea.
- If we don't, we haven't
got a chance in this election.
- Well that's what we
pay you for, Wilson.
Now, how are you going to do it?
- We're going to cash in on
the current nostalgia trend.
- We're going to bring
back the stovepipe hat,
the beard, and even the wart.
- Sounds wonderful.
Bring the candidate in.
(Wilson humming)
- I give you the next
senator from Illinois.
(audience laughing)
- Wilson, you're fired!
- Up in Maine we don't believe
in all them fancy deodorants.
If there's a dance or something,
we hang just two pine cones
under our arms and you'd
swear you was waltzing
with a Christmas tree.
(audience laughing)
That's what we call
getting spruced up.
(comedic tune)
- This coffee stinks,
I mean, it's terrible!
Why can't you make
it like old Mrs. Jolson?
Old Mrs. Jolson?
Harry says my coffee
tastes like old socks.
How come your coffee's so good?
- Oh, that's easy, darling.
I use new socks.
(silly music)
- Hey, you know that I
heard the man from Glad
landed in Mrs. Olson's kitchen
and they both got bagged.
(audience laughing)
- A crown, there's a
crown on your head!
- Of course there's a crown
on my head, you dummy.
I'm the queen of England.
- You really think all those
beer commercials on TV
have an impact on anybody?
- Oh, gee I don't know.
(all laughing)
I haven't seen any.
- Well, what do you think?
- Yeah, will you let us
really know what you think?
- To be perfectly honest
with you, I haven't seen any.
I mean, every time a
beer commercial comes on,
I get up to get a beer.
(audience laughing)
- I'm Meg Cracken,
author of Meg Cracken's
"I Hate to Cook" book.
I wish I'd had written
a sensuous woman,
but that's the way
your meatball bounces.
When I got married,
I said to my husband
the Galloping Gourmet,
"You'll never catch me
"in the kitchen,"
and he never did.
However, he frequently
catches me other places
around the house, which
is one of the reasons
I've (yawning) always
had time to write my book.
I didn't forget that afternoon
in the butler's pantry.
You'll read about
it in my next book,
"Put a Little Fun
in Your Fricassee."
(audience laughing)
- You know Josephine,
a plumber, was once
a famous child actress.
- [Castmembers] Yeah?
- She just let her whole
career go down the drain.
(audience laughing)
(comedic tune)
- I never carry more
than $50 in cash.
But I do have 300 gallons
of muscatel in the vat.
(audience laughing)
- (drowned by audience) You
see, we have a hidden camera
between those shelves.
No, these shelves.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Now, when a customer comes up,
you get them to eat a cracker,
covered, a cracker.
- Oh!
- With Gyp peanut butter on it.
And after they've eaten
it, you eat one yourself
and you say, "Isn't that
the best you've ever tasted?"
- Oh!
(gasping) Oh, you
expect me, a star,
to eat peanut butter?
I, Laverne Blossom, who
have dined on the finest caviar?
(Laverne huffing)
- You get 300 bucks
every time they show it.
- Roll 'em!
(audience laughing)
- Shh, (drowned by
audience), act natural.
Are you ready?
We roll.
- Wonderful ma'am.
Here, here.
Try this peanut
butter (chuckling).
(Laverne munching in approval)
- [Director] Cut it!
What are you doing?
(audience laughing)
Oh gosh, Ms. Blossom.
Why didn't you
say this is the best
peanut butter you ever tasted?
(Laverne sucking)
(audience laughing)
- I saw a commercial
for an antacid
and it made me so sick
to my stomach that I had to
leave in the middle of the
program and go out and buy some.
- [Castmembers] Aww!
- Well listen, I hung up one
of those Shell Oil pest strips,
and now all the
flies in my house get
25 miles to the gallon.
(audience laughing)
- Daddy, Daddy, no cavities!
- Oh, that's terrific honey,
must be the new Crest.
- Are you sure
it's the new Crest?
- Oh yeah, it's gotta be.
It's got the fluoride.
(mugger bonking man)
(bird tweeting) ("Pop
Goes the Weasel")
- Now I think liquor
companies ought to be allowed
to advertise on television.
After all, if the program's
gonna drive us to drink,
we at least wanna
know what to drink.
(audience laughing)
- Right, right.
- If I see one more
commercial that tells me
I've got bad breath, I'm
gonna raise my voice in protest.
- [Dan] I don't blame you.
- Well, when you do, would
you mind facing the other way?
(all laughing)
(comedic tune)
- Morning.
- Hey, give me all your money!
(register chinging)
- [Attendant]
Don't shoot it now...
- Now hurry it up, hurry it up.
- Here you go.
Just a minute now.
- [Robber] What?
- Don't forget your
free juice glass.
- Oh, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Nice to see you, Mr. Perdeen.
Toss your hat, jump for joy
Down the hatch, ship ahoy
If you wait for the big salute
(audience applauding)
(ship horn blaring)
- Yes that's right
Miss, the S.S. Burbank
is guaranteed unsinkable.
- Are you sure?
- Of course.
Here's our ship's designer.
Ask him yourself.
- Abandon ship!
(woman screaming)
- Adios!
- We had a beautiful
day here in California.
The clouds finally broke
right through the smog.
- Nurse, are we all scrubbed up?
- Yes, Doctor.
- Well, is everything
antiseptically clean?
- Yes, Doctor.
- Okay, let's begin.
(nurse sneezing)
- Oh, that's it for me.
(wacky kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
- Your attention please.
Will the person who
put the dirty floor mop
in Princess Grace's wig
carrying case please report
backstage at the Monaco
Jubilee Awards dinner.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(upbeat xylophone music)
Get your horses to the gate
Race is starting, don't be late
One thing jockeys
never know Who will win
Or play Or show
(trumpet fanfare
music) (bell ringing)
What's the news
across the nation
Who's got the information
In a way we hope it's amusin'
How is the weapon
And when you start losin'
We just love to
give you our views
La ah dee da All
you Burbank bookies
Look at the news
With Dan and Dick
(women neighing)
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now, the
Laugh-In News with Al Jolson,
Alabamy found
VitaBlue on the mound.
Henny Youngman, and Burt
Reynolds just flying around.
- (clearing throat) But
first, these news headlines.
- Congress passes
car safety bill.
Auto makers go on crash program.
- Man falls 50 stories
immediately arrested
for going squish
in a hospital zone.
- Gay Lib party demands
higher voice in American politics.
- And now with news of
the present, here's Dick.
- In Hollywood today,
hot on the heels of rumors
about a sequel to Godfather
called the Godmother,
Marlon Brando is seen in
a smart Beverly Hills shop
picking out his gowns.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if I can see that.
Mr. Hobart Grasper,
that is Mr. Hobart Grasper,
charged with welfare fraud,
has protested his innocence
in these words,
"There was no fraud.
"I am on welfare legitimately
and here to prove it,
"and if I have to prove
it, I'm going to hire
"the best lawyers
money can buy."
(audience laughing)
Well, thank you.
- (laughing) I made 20.
- [Dick] That took some doing.
- Go ahead.
- In sort of a breakthrough
in body freezing today,
the late Percy Lightfoot
of the Gay Lib party,
was put on ice.
Percy is currently
resting peacefully at the
Alf O. Baggie market,
in the frozen fruit section.
(audience laughing)
And now, word on the subject
from the man on the street
to see what he thinks
about body freezing.
- I heard Dean Martin
signed up immediately.
He figured, "What
could be better than
"50 years on the rocks?"
- Body freezing may
be all right to some,
and it may work for some people.
It would not work
for my Uncle Harry.
- What's so different
about your Uncle Harry?
- Well, for one thing,
he froze to death.
They'd have to thaw
him out to freeze him.
And he's too old
to be a popsicle.
- And now with news
of the future, here's uh...
- Dan.
- No, he's doing the
news of the future.
The news of the future 20
years from now, New York City.
Arrests were at an all-time
low today as police report,
that crime in the
streets has gotten so bad
that now even the
criminals be afraid to go out,
at night, after dark, alone.
News of the future
20 years from now,
Elvis Presley announced
today that he will come out
of retirement and play at
Las Vegas right after he
has his hips lifted.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to see that.
- Yeah, here's our
guest sportscaster,
everybody's all-time, all-American
Tom Harmon of Michigan
with this item.
(trumpet music)
- Today, the first
all-girl football team met
the Green Bay Packers
in the Houston Astrodome.
Today was marred by
violence during a huge pileup
Involving players
from both squads.
The referee was heard to
shout, "If you don't break it up
"right now, we'll never
get this game started."
- And now, a peek at the
week ahead in television.
(Dan snapping)
- Oh (giggling).
Oh, I can't wait to tell you.
On our side this week,
the chief is accused
of sitting down on the job.
(audience laughing)
On Bonanza, a harvesting
machine goes out of control,
and then a herd of cattle.
And that night, Ben
Cartwright is forced to eat
a 5,000-ton hamburger.
- That's two.
- I get it.
(giggling) On Wednesday,
did you mean they were good?
- Just keep your
role going, Donna.
- On Wednesday of this
week, be sure to watch
the Johnny Carson Show,
with special surprise host guest,
(giggling) Johnny Carson.
(Dick laughing)
(audience applauding)
- That Donna Jean Young
ought to have a brain transplant.
Someone should put one in.
(audience laughing)
- And now news
from around the world.
First, the Middle East.
- We are here in the
Middle East talking
to Sheik Abdul Valrama.
Sheik, it was announced
that yesterday all 500
of your wives filed for divorce.
What is the reason behind this?
- Well, one night they
came home unexpectedly
and caught me with
another 500 women.
- Now we take you to
a Japanese household
for another angle on the news.
- I've had it!
I don't care what
we have been doing
for the past 2,000 years!
This is a ridiculous way to eat.
You bring me chair!
(man clapping)
(woman mumbling)
(comedic tune)
- Now to our secret camera
at the China-Russia border.
- You see my guard
shack over there?
Inside it I have all
the comforts of home.
- Really?
What's in there?
- Nothing.
(audience laughing)
- In the salt mines today,
I saw old Mrs. Khankila.
She was arrested for knitting.
- Why?
What was she knitting?
- A passport.
(audience laughing)
- And how is communism
working in your country?
- Ah!
Every day this week,
the government gave me
a new pair of socks.
- Oh, that sounds
pretty good to me.
- For lunch!
- Now with Laugh-In's
financial page,
here's Sara Kennedy.
- Good evening, business buffs.
In an effort to attract
more customers,
Air Burbank has
commissioned Joseph Minsky,
a former owner of burlesque
theaters, to develop a plane
that will do bumps and grinds
all the way down the runway.
Pretty (mumbling)!
(whimsical tune)
That's it. (audience laughing)
- And now Hollywood items
with our special guest newscaster,
internationally known
Hollywood reporter, Hank Grant.
- Sad news from Hollywood.
Funeral services for Popeye's
long and lanky sweetheart
were held today in
keeping with her request
the cartoon star was cremated.
I tell you, it was a tearful
sight, seeing poor Popeye
leaving the funeral home
carrying a jar of warm Olive Oyl.
- Here now with the minority
view, Willie Tyler and Lester.
- And now it's time for the
black news and comment.
- Coming to you in living color.
- Ku Klux Klan leader Joe
Bob Dawson was cleared today
of charges that his car
struck down black leader,
Horace Perkins.
The jury ruled it was an
accident because Perkins
stepped into the path
of the car without looking.
- Yeah, but who looks
both ways when crossing
their own living room, man?
- That's it for tonight.
- Yeah, back to Amos and Andy.
- You mean Dan and Dick.
- Sure, without their makeup.
- And here's the Irish news.
- With Pat and Mike.
Diddly do, diddly
do (men humming)
- (clears throat)
That's enough of that.
Hi, the top o' the evening...
- I was just getting started.
- Yes your right
foot is Shaughnessy.
It's the top o' the
evening news to you.
- And here's an unusual item.
Riley Crawley drank his
first glass of beer in 12 years.
Swore he'd never touch another.
- What's so unusual about that?
- Well, I'll tell you what's
unusual about that.
He said, "It's rare you find
that kind of determination
"in a 12 year old."
- Ha, also there's a big news
story over at Shaughnessy's.
- Shaughnessy's.
- Shaughnessy's.
Mrs. Shaugnessy is
doing exercises to enlarge
portions of her figure.
- Well that's not
a big news story.
- Maybe not yet, but let's
wait for further developments.
- Well I must say, those
are two really pitiful items.
- Exactly what Shaughnessy
said before Mrs. Shaughnessy
started her exercise.
(men humming) (Irish jig music)
- Today in history, Dick
Martin became the first man
to have his ears pierced in
beautiful downtown Burbank.
Unfortunately, he learned
too late that most people
have them pierced on the bottom.
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In (mumbling) news
(audience applauding)
- I tell you how
patriotic John Wayne is.
When he drinks, his eyes
turn red, white, and blue.
(drum roll music)
- You know Dick, everybody
says that my brother
is gonna be the
next Flip Wilson.
- Oh, he's funny, huh?
- No, he just looks
right nice in a dress.
(both and audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle falling)
- Well, it's that time again,
ladies and gentlemen,
when it's question and
answer time here on
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
I'm out here to answer any
questions you have at all.
If you have a question,
just raise your hand and,
no, where I can see it, just
anybody that has a question.
This has really gotten
to be a very popular
part of the show.
People have been coming
from all over just to ask questions.
(audience applauding) Anybody.
- Howdy, Bob!
Reckon the rain'll
hurt the rhubarb?
(Dan and audience laughing)
I got four more of those.
- I don't wanna hear the
first one again, I gotta...
- Howdy, Bob!
- Wait a minute!
We are not doing
Grand Ole Opry out here.
- I just love to
say, "Howdy, Bob!"
- [Dan] Howdy!
- I know that, I just
wanna get in the mood
to talk about my farm.
(cow bell ringing)
- You don't have a (laughing).
I remember that act.
(cow bell ringing)
You don't have a farm.
Don't lie to these people.
- Why am I dressed
like this, then?
- Let me have a guess.
- All right.
- You've just opened a
boutique for ding-dongs.
- Ha!
Scoff if you will.
- Okay, scoff,
scoff (chuckling).
- Only if you will (chuckling).
Did you know the
government pays us farmers not
to grow anything?
- Oh, yes I do, that's
agricultural subsidization.
- You wouldn't say
that if you were a farmer.
- Oh, why not?
- 'Cause I'm a farmer
and I couldn't say that
with my hands tied
behind my back (laughing).
- You got your hands
tied behind your back.
(cow bell ringing)
Don't do that.
You know what
subsidization means?
It means the government pays
you to keep your fields fallow.
- Ha!
In that case, they owe
me a fortune in fallows.
I haven't grown
anything in years,
and I've never grown a fallow.
- Never have.
- I've grown a fallow?
Ah ha ha ha ha ha
- Don't do that,
that's extra money.
- That's true (laughing).
- "I don't believe you
have a farm at all,"
he went right ahead and said.
- Well don't tell my pig and
my chicken, and my cow.
You got a chicken, pig, and
a cow, you call that a farm?
- Well, I was gonna
call it a library,
but somebody'd
taken that already.
Some old lady with some books.
- Call it a library.
- Yeah.
How would it sound,
Old McDonald had a library
- You're not gonna like
farm life when you find out
what it's like, it's
a very hard life.
- You're telling me,
up at the crack of dawn,
branding my chickens.
(chicken clucking)
- Branding your chickens?
- Yes.
Fertilizing the bunkhouse,
slopping the help...
- Wait a minute.
You don't slop the help.
- Cultivating the hybrids
and dusting the scarecrow.
- Well, I can see you've spent
a very hard day.
(cow bell ringing)
(both and audience laughing)
That's hard work, boy.
- Well, I have help.
- Yeah, you're
gonna need some too.
- I couldn't have reaped a
plowshare without my handyman,
old Zeke.
- Old Zeke?
I thought you said you
weren't growing anything
to get this...
- You're gonna listen
to everything I say,
we'll never get anywhere.
- That's true,
I can't argue with that.
- Hey Zeke!
Zeke, come on in here!
- Oh really?
(audience laughing)
This is your handyman, Zeke.
- Doesn't get any handier
than this, I'll tell you that.
(Dick and audience laughing)
What a farmer she is.
Show them, Zeke.
(drum roll music)
- Wait a minute, what's that?
- She's rotating her crops.
(Dick and audience laughing)
- You wanna see a south porty?
They moved the Bull
Durham sigh (laughing).
- I don't think
we're going to...
Old Dick Martin
had a farm E-I-E-I-O
(audience applauding)
- Any questions at all, folks.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
a medley of dog sounds.
For my first selection, a
dog early in the morning.
(Frank smacking)
(Frank yawning)
(Frank smacking)
- Next, I'd like to do for
you a dog after his shower.
(lips flapping)
(audience laughing)
- I learned to swim through
a correspondence course.
The only problem is
I can't go into a pool
unless the mailman's watching.
- A dog with a flea.
(Frank growling)
- Dog choking on flea.
(Frank growling)
(Frank coughing)
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(rotary dials clicking)
- One ringy dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
General Motors?
Good.
Look General, do you recall
those cars you made last year?
Well, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to (snorting).
(audience applauding)
Hello, hello. Hello?
I'm gonna sing, "Cry
Me a River," and you folk
can jump in anytime.
- Dog walking happily
down the street.
(Frank panting)
- Oh yeah, yeah.
I know I'd just love
to take you in my arms
and make passionate love to you.
Kissy, kissy, kissy.
(wife smacking)
- How come you never
talk to me like that?
- Well, you're Brownstone the
famous magician, aren't you?
- Yes I am.
I've just come back from a
successful tour of Europe.
- Ah, let me check you through.
- Fine, thank you.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, well everything
seems to be in order.
- Yes.
That's all right.
Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- Cat early in the morning.
(Frank meowing)
- Cat looking for trouble.
(audience laughing)
- What can I get for two bucks?
- Half ownership
in the business.
- Hey Barlow?
- Hey Zeke.
- We still feudin'
with the Clampetts?
- Well... (gunshot blasting)
- Shucks, now I ain't
never gonna find out.
(chuckling)
(ship horn blaring)
- Excuse me, have you seen a
girl, a small boy, and a chimp?
- Yes, they're drowning.
They went overboard.
- Oh, thank you.
(whistle whooshing) (splashing)
- Cat and dog meet on the
same street early in the morning.
(Frank panting and sniffing)
(Frank growling)
(Frank meowing and hissing)
(Frank growling and barking)
(Frank yelping)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(trumpet fanfare music)
- Well it's time now for
Laugh-In's Whoopie Award.
- And who gets the winsome
winged wobbler tonight?
- The what?
- Winsome winged wobbler.
- The winged wobbler goes
to the United States Air Force.
- Well, it's about time,
they're finally under budget.
- Oh no, no, not
quite that good.
It's just for being fun.
It seems the Air Force
wants a brand new windshield
for its B-1 bomber.
And it is awarded the North
American Rockwell company
at contract for
$600,000 to do the job.
- Well now, I don't blame them.
I imagine after flying
around without a windshield,
you'd pay about anything for it.
- Well no, the bomber
already has windshields,
but the Air Force wants
a special one capable
of withstanding head-on
collisions with a duck
that flies at 700 miles an hour.
- Now that's ridiculous.
How often you gonna
run into a duck that
flies 700 miles an hour?
- No, no, you don't
understand, Dick.
Now to quote an item
from the L.A. Times,
nice looking fellow.
- [Dick] Nice.
- [Dan] The B-1 bomber
is designed to fly at nearly
the speed of sound while
skimming along the ground,
so the windows will have
to be able to withstand
a head-on collision with a duck.
- Or a bus, or a
bush, or a tall horse.
- So the Air Force is investing
in stronger windshields.
And prettier crewmen.
- Excuse me.
Wouldn't it be cheaper
to develop softer ducks?
- I suppose it would,
so thank you, Air Force.
Fly this in your
wild blue yonder.
- And for the first time,
anytime we see a airplane
skimming along the ground
at the speed of sound,
we'll all jump up
and yell, "Duck!"
- Yes, leave that somewhere.
Let's duck over to the party.
- You've got a deal.
(gunshot blasting)
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- Dan, you'll never
guess what happened!
- What happened, Ruth?
- Well, my five-year-old
niece has joined women's lib.
- No kidding.
- No, just the other
day, she burned her
Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Hi Adel.
- Hi.
- Say Dick, do you really
believe there's a war
between men and women?
- Oh yeah, I got five prisoners
in my apartment to prove it.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Oh, the economy's
in pretty bad shape.
You know there's a corner
in Beverly Hills where
movie stars sell maps
to poor people's homes?
(funk music)
- The thing I wanna, Ruth,
I want you, Dan, I want you
to hear this too.
(sighing) There
is a serious decline
and interest in religion today.
I personally know a
Seventh-Day Adventist
who's down to three days.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Strange things happened
in Los Angeles yesterday.
The smog was so bad,
one airline pilot circled
the airport for two hours.
- Couldn't land, huh?
- Oh no, no, he was
driving his car to work
and couldn't find it.
(funky music)
- Honey, there's
a fly in my drink.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Now there isn't.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- See, it's a real small
town, and it's only one fella
on unemployment,
you know what I mean?
Well, he didn't have anything
to do, so they hired him
to run the unemployment office.
Then he have anybody to
pay, so they had to fire him.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I just bought one of
those new cameras that fits
in my pocket.
But so far, all I've gotten
are pictures of 35 cents
in change and some lint.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- You know, I've just
written a book that's
the number one
best-seller in Cleveland.
It's called "Guilt Without Sex."
- You know Mike?
- Yes I do.
- Nice fella.
- Terrific.
- You know, somebody
told me the pope has finally
given his approval
for birth control.
- When did he do that?
- Right after he tried to
cross the street in Rome
during the rush hour.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Get down!
Oh, hey Sarah?
- Yeah?
- Do you know that
they're developing a train
that's capable of going
from L.A. to New York
in a half an hour?
- Now Lester, how are
they gonna get a train
to go that fast?
- Easy, they tell the
conductor if he doesn't
make it in time, he's gotta
stop overnight in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- And here's the
best part of the story.
This guy was the head of
the unemployment office.
- I'll tell you, Dan, with meat
so expensive these days,
I'll tell you what I put
on my sirloin steak.
- What?
- Put a little salt, a little
pepper, and a 24-hour guard.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- [Bartender] Yes sir?
- Yes, could I
have a later please?
- Oh sure.
- Here.
Make it a double.
Excuse me. (audience laughing)
- Hey guys, to make a long
story short, there was this...
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- We didn't have
any unemployment...
(funky music)
- I have a friend studying yoga.
He sits around all
day staring at his navel.
Yesterday, he got
the shock of his life.
He winked, and his
navel winked right back.
(audience laughing)
(ship horn blaring)
- Tonight, to celebrate
our maiden voyage,
I've decided to schedule
movies and a cartoon
for the passengers.
(ship crashing)
- Sir, the ship hit an iceberg!
- Cancel the cartoon.
(splashing)
(funky music)
- Wait, I'm not
kidding you, honest.
This guy they couldn't
pay him unemployment,
and he didn't have
a job, so they said,
"Well, let's put him in charge
of the office, you know?"
You guys are gonna
be calling the office.
Thanks, a lot.
(audience laughing)
Well there's this guy,
and he was unemployed,
do you know what I mean?
- Hey Moosie, have you heard
about the dummy who said, "No?"
- No.
- Haha, got you, dummy!
- Okay Doctor, we're ready
to start heart surgery now.
- But Nurse, the patient
is lying on his stomach.
- Hmm, oh well you wanna
hand me that sharp thing
with the handle on it?
- Sure, take it.
- [Nurse] Thank you.
(tool boinging)
(patient grunting)
- On this date in
history, Robie Greaver
of Burbank, California
became the first man to run off
with a casaba melon in order
to impress Masters and Johnson.
(audience laughing)
- And this'll kill you.
- [Bartender] Yeah.
- This guy was,
now he's the head
of the unemployment
office, you know?
But of course, there wasn't
anybody to give the check to,
you believe it?
- Yeah.
- And so, when they
finally put him in there,
they didn't have anybody to pay.
- Oh really?
- So they got rid of him.
- No kidding, no kidding.
- And he was out on
the street all by himself...
- Out on the street?
- Yeah, on Skid Row.
Well, course then they
discovered that they
didn't have anybody...
- Oh, that's fantastic.
- To pay him, you get it?
- Miss Young?
- Yes?
- I would like to compliment
you on the very tasteful way
in which you perform.
- Well, well thank you.
- Oh no, no, I said I would
like to compliment you.
Unfortunately, it is
against my principles to lie.
Thank you.
- You know Dan, my
uncle sells swimming pools.
- How's he doing?
- Well, he's just barely keeping
his head above the water.
(audience laughing)
- [Jud] It was the
darndest situation.
- I'll bet it was.
- [Jud] It was.
Here.
- Huh?
- [Jud] There's a
better part earlier.
- Oh yeah.
- [Jud] I'll go back to
where he's in the office,
and he didn't have
anybody to pay...
- Nobody to pay?
- [Jud] Nobody to pay.
Hey.
Hey.
(comedic music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Mike, we want
you to take a look up there
and see what we're gonna
have next week on the show.
(slide whistle rising)
- [Gary] Jack Benny
will be with us.
(audience applauding)
And so will James
Farentino and Michele Lee.
Peter Marshall.
Hugh O'Brian and all of
our regular Burbank inmates.
- [Patti] Brian, my darling!
- [Brian] Yes, Patti my perfect!
- [Patti] Who sold out his
country to an English muffin?
- I don't know, who?
- Eggs Benedict Arnold.
- It's impossible to go
skinny dipping in a waterbed.
Well, almost impossible.
- Sarah, who rings your
doorbell, then drops perfume
all over your front porch?
- I don't know Ruthie, who?
- The Avon klutz.
- Hey, who's seven feet tall,
wears a black and white dress,
and changes the bed?
- I don't know, who?
- Wilt Chambermaid.
- Yes!
What Italian
dictator had antlers?
- [Dan] I don't know, who?
- Bullwinkle Mooselini.
- [Dick] I had a very
interesting problem.
A swallow who was afraid to fly.
- [Brian] What did you do?
- I mated him with a fly
that was afraid to swallow.
- Daniel, did I tell you,
the other day I went fishing
with a one-armed man.
- [Dan] No kidding,
did he catch anything?
- Marvelous, a big
fish about this big.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, why don't
parallel lines ever meet?
- Oh, you silly, who's
gonna introduce them?
(audience laughing)
- Ah, hahaha, hey Sarah?
- [Sarah] Yes?
- Sarah, what do you
call a guy, who sell shares,
who sell shares in
a hosiery company?
- Oh hoho, a sock broker.
- Why did the starving
fox cross the road?
- I don't know, but somebody
better tell that dumb chicken.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, two, two in a row.
You know what the
undertaker's kids' favorite
game is, Jud?
- No, what Dennis?
- Corpse and robbers.
(castmembers booing)
- Oh, but wait a minute.
Did you know that
Catholic piranha fish
only eat people on Fridays?
- A rolling stone
gathers no moss.
- [Sarah] Yeah.
- A little grass,
maybe, but no moss.
- [Dan] Well, it's time
to say good night.
- [Castmembers] Aww.
- Did I ever tell you
about the time my uncle
married a Siamese twin
and is being sued for divorce?
- There's no time, Dick.
- Yes, his wife caught him
fooling around with a girl
on the side.
(castmember laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, everybody!
(audience applauding)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick (chuckling).
- [All] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- (panting and barking)
Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Pookie pookie, Dan.
- Good night, Dick (snorting).
- Ms. Blossom,
look into the camera,
and say, "Good night, Dick."
- Of course.
Good night, Mr. DeMille.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Napoleon.
Adios.
- Good night Double, uh, Dick.
- Good night, Lyle.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dulie.
(Michael grunting)
- Good night, Dick.
I'll be in the office
if you need me.
- Good night, Dick.
- That is stupid.
You suppose to say,
"Good night, Dick."
- Oh, good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(wacky kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
(cymbal clashing)
(woman sobbing)
it's Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in!
(audience applauding)
- Welcome.
- Ladies and gentlemen
we're very happy to have
as our guest tonight the
handsome star of Bonanza.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Michael Landon.
- Yeah, ho!
(audience cheering
and applauding)
Happy you could make it.
- Well I was a little worried,
I was afraid for a
minute I couldn't make it.
- What happened?
- Well, very fortunately, we
were rained out on location,
otherwise I wouldn't be here.
There's water everyplace.
- Water everywhere?
- Yeah.
- Well, we're glad you made it.
- Well, I'm glad to be here.
- We want you to
feel right at home.
- I do.
(water splashing)
(audience laughing)
You told me it
wasn't gonna rain, Pa.
(thunder rumbling)
(water splashing)
- I'm Sarah.
Fly me to Miami.
- I think that's silly.
I mean, look at it this way,
If the good Lord had
intended for Cheryl to fly, right?
- [Man] Yeah, yeah, all right.
- He would have
given her four engines
and a bigger
baggage compartment.
(audience laughing)
That's right.
- Nurse, raise the patient's
head a little higher, please.
(slide whistle rising)
No, a little higher
than that, please.
(slide whistle rising)
Oh no, no, a little
higher, please.
(slide whistle
rising then falling)
- How do you know
when you're cured?
- Well it's easy.
At dinnertime, when
you swallow your spoon,
it doesn't taste
like fish anymore.
(audience laughing)
(triangle clanging)
- Come and get it!
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Barlow?
- Hey, Zeke.
- Reckon we better get a-goin'.
- Oh, don't bother about Barlow,
she's talkin' about dinner.
(audience laughing)
(woman sobbing)
- Poor old Eddie.
Gee, I'm gonna miss him.
The greatest racetrack
driver in the whole world.
- (sobbing) Yeah, pretty
soon, he'll be driving in that
big speedway in the sky.
(casket zooming)
(audience laughing)
- You know Dick, I
have a jazz background.
- You got a pretty jazzy
foreground too, Dell.
(both and audience laughing)
- Stick 'em up!
- Sure.
- That's terrific.
- Bartender, your ears I need.
I have something to tell you
I've seldom told another man.
- What's that?
- Boogie boogie boogie!
- Hey Moosie, you
believe in Santa Claus?
- Nah, Santa Claus isn't real.
- Who told you that?
- The tooth fairy.
(audience laughing)
(hammer rapping on board)
- What are you doing, Father?
- Oh, hello Patti.
Well, we're enlarging
the confessional.
It's election year, you know.
(audience laughing)
(ship horn blaring)
- I understand this
ship is unsinkable.
- That's very
correct, it's impossible
for anything to damage it.
Knock on wood (knocking).
(rail crashing)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Kitty, I'd
like a hamburger.
- Regular or deluxe?
- What's the difference?
- Well, when I make a
deluxe, I wash my hands.
(audience laughing)
- Me Tarzan, you Jane.
- Me Tarzan, you Jane.
- No, me Tarzan, you Jane!
- No, me Tarzan, you Jane!
- All right, flip.
(wacky kazoo music)
- Tails.
- All right, you Tarzan,
me Jane.
- Kiss me now.
(Dick snickering)
(audience laughing)
(women yelling)
- And now, from the
beautiful downtown
Burbank Wildlife Refuge
and Motor Speedway,
NBC, the New Batch of
Commercials network present
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
(audience applauding)
Starring the
eagle-eyed Dan Rowan,
and the pigeon-toed Dick Martin.
With guest star, Michael
Landon and Ruth Buzzi.
Lily Tomlin, Dennis
Allen, Richard Dawson.
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass.
Brian Bressler, Patti Deutsch.
Sarah Kennedy, Jud Strunk.
Willie Tyler and Lester,
and Donna Jean Young.
With special appearances
by Steve Allen,
Mama Cass Elliot,
and Della Reese.
Frank Welker, Henny Youngman.
And me, I'm Gary Owens
with this word for those of you
with a poor memory.
Let's see, what was that word?
(audience laughing)
Oh, I know it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(enthusiastic music)
(audience applauding)
- All right, somebody wanna
tell me what's going on?
- [Dick] Hi, hi, hi!
(audience applauding)
- Don't come out here, "Hi, hi!"
Who's this guy?
Well, he's my stand-in.
I had a phone call just
as the show started,
so I sent him out.
You did very well.
(audience laughing)
- We don't use
stand-ins on this show.
- Don't say that, I
promised him job security.
- I don't care what
you promised him.
I don't have a stand-in.
Just because you can't
find someone that looks
exactly like you,
don't take it out on him.
(audience laughing)
- This is ridic, you
think he looks like you?
- Well, I'll admit he doesn't
have my strong chin line.
(audience laughing)
- I can't believe it.
- Other than that, it's
like looking into a mirror.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- Same barrel chest,
same brawny arm.
(Dan laughing)
The resemblance is remarkable.
Just look at us.
(audience laughing) Huh?
- A pair of twins.
You know something,
you're too much.
- Well, thank you,
from the both of us.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
How much is he paying you?
- Don't try to make
him a better offer,
he's not your double.
- I don't want him.
- Well okay, don't talk to him.
If he talks, I have
to pay him more.
- Oh.
It's unbelievable.
- Huh.
If you care to write him a note,
I'll see that he sends one back.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not interested in
writing him any notes.
- Then you'll just
have to stay lonely.
(audience laughing)
I think Dan's getting jealous.
(Dan groaning)
- Well, I gotta tell
you something,
this is not going to work.
I have to be with you.
I must be only with you.
- Well I, I never
knew that, Dan.
(audience laughing)
You could've given me
some hint a few years ago.
- What can I say?
Well you might start out
by saying, "I love you."
- Oh come on, what's
the matter with you?
- Were those flowers from you?
- No, the flowers, I never
sent you any flowers.
Never did, never will, I
will never send you flowers.
- That's your trouble,
you take me for granted.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna take you, excuse me.
- I think he's taking
me to the flower shop.
- [Dan] I'm gonna...
(audience laughing
and applauding)
- Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, and welcome to
Lyle Waggoner's
Laugh-In (laughing)!
(audience applauding)
- What's in a name?
I'll tell you what's in a name.
Would the women of
London have been terrorized
by Lester the Ripper?
(audience laughing)
- And could The Face that
Launched a Thousand Ships
have belonged to
Helen of Pittsburgh?
- Do you really think that
Salome would have thrown off
her seven veils and
beheaded Bob the Baptist?
- And another thing.
If you were an animal, would
you have filed two by two
onto Stanley's ark?
(audience laughter)
- Would the world have
cared if Julius Caesar said,
"Et tu, Elmer?"
- I ask you, could all of
Asia have been conquered by
Genghis Schwartz?
- It was revealed today
that six weeks ago,
Russian chessmaster
Boris Spassky,
angered by American
chess wizard Bobby Fischer,
halted in the middle of
a ponder, and gave him
a critically cute,
"Ookie pookie pookie."
- Sister, I have a
confession to make.
- Oh, well don't tell
me, tell Father Quinn.
That's what he gets
paid for (laughing).
- And now, Freddy the
Fabulous will swallow a sword!
(women cheering)
(Freddy crunching)
- My name is Edith Ann
and I'm 5 1/2 years old,
and I don't have to say
nothing if I don't want to.
You know what?
Every Saturday, before
me and Papa go to Par's bar,
we always watch the
football game on television.
And I told Papa I
know what is wrong.
If they wouldn't always
start out so close together,
they wouldn't keep
bumping into each other.
(audience laughing)
And that's the truth.
(Edith raspberries)
(casually comedic music)
(door slamming)
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- Get out!
You... Masher!
- Yah (whipping paper)!
(audience laughing
then applauding)
- Don't slam the
door, the cake'll fall!
(cake splatting)
- This here town ain't big
enough for the both of us.
- Yeah?
(cowboy grunting)
- I think in a place like
this, there should be
a woman for every man.
- Oh Sarah, there is.
She lives on the third floor.
(audience laughing)
- We gotta remember
on the next job,
don't call Chicken
Delight from the hideout.
(slide whistle falling)
(prisoner thudding)
(audience laughing)
- Well, I'll see you again.
- Okay, thanks Red.
- Try not to bend
that and bring it back.
- Yeah, I know.
- How you today, Mrs. Ross?
- Just fine, thanks.
- Let's see, here's
a quart of milk.
That's a half a
gallon, ain't it?
44 cents.
A bunch of squash.
Let's see, that must
weigh about 15 ounces,
that'll be 62 cents.
(register rumbling)
That's a cute little
baby you got there.
- Thank you.
- That'll be one baby, $14.98.
(audience laughing)
(bird tweeting)
- Hey Zeke, I
mean (chuckling)...
You're Barlow, ain't you?
- Talking to yourself
again, ain't you Zeke?
- Yeah.
Listen Barlow, how come
you never got married up?
- Well Zeke, once I almost did.
Yep, right up till
the last minute,
then the shotgun jammed.
(Zeke and audience laughing)
- Quiet, quiet on the set.
Mafia Story, take the
fifth (clapping board).
- Anybody who thinks
black is always beautiful,
hasn't seen Moms
Mabley early in the morning.
(audience laughter)
- I am here tonight because
people have been saying
there is a particularly
tasteless person
appearing on this program.
- Why don't you leave
and they'll stop saying that?
- Mike, Bonanza's been
on the air so many years,
you ever get tired
of riding that horse?
- (laughing) No.
- No?
- Not anymore, I got me one
of them orthopedic saddles.
- Oh, they're good.
- Good on the cheekies.
(Dan and audience laughing)
- Henny, what would
you like for lunch?
- Speaking of pissed, right?
When I was a kid, we were
so poor, I was made in Japan.
My mother used to take
in laundry and keep it.
When we got evicted,
it was a step up.
- Oh, all I ever get from
you is jokes, jokes, jokes.
- And I'm gonna
keep telling them till
I get laughs, laughs, laughs.
- Okay, this is a robbery
and I don't want
any funny business.
- Good, you can have my act.
- Listen mister, I'm desperate.
I haven't had a
bite to eat in weeks.
- Hey, a guy said that to
me yesterday and I bit him,
once like this, once like this.
(audience laughing)
- And I'm sick and tired
of living in cheap hotels.
- Speaking of cheap hotels,
once I had a room so small,
the mice were hunchback.
(wife gasping and groaning)
I had to go out in the hall
to change your mind.
- Air conditioned rooms, the
guy came up and for 20 minutes,
he blew through the keyhole.
(wife groaning)
(audience laughing)
The food was so bad, the
flies brought their own lunch.
- I can't stand it!
Will you stop it, Henny?
- [Robber] Henny?
You're Henny Youngman,
the famous comedian?
- That's right.
- You ought to be
worth a lot of money.
I think I'll kidnap you instead.
- Take my wife, please.
- No, I'm just
taking both of you.
All right now, come
on, move, move it!
- This is terrific.
This is the first time we've
been out together in 42 years.
(audience laughing
and applauding)
(taxi screeching)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(band music)
Give a yell, give a cheer
Give a look and lend an ear
'Cause it's time
for the big salute
Give a whoop, give a hey
Try to zippy hip hooray
Fall in line for the big salute
Lots of calls so now you
go say floy joy, floy joy
Chippy chinny jooloo walla
Have we got some things to see
Sure, we got some things to see
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In
salutes commercials on TV
Keep a stiff upper lip
Feed the birds and save the ship
With a salute, a
salute, a salute
A salute, a salute, a salute
That's a-nice, that's
a-cute Take a swing
It's that big salute
(audience applauding
and cheering)
- You know, there's one
good thing about those boring,
ridiculous television
commercials.
- Yeah, they give you a
break from those boring,
ridiculous television programs.
(all laughing) (comedic tune)
- Here, here.
- Isn't it ironic that those
commercials about deodorant,
soap, and mouthwash warn
us about being offensive?
(all chattering in
agreement) (comedic tune)
- Since the FCC requires
commercials to be truthful,
we've lost a few of them.
- Now if they require
them to be good,
we gone lose a few more.
(audience laughing)
(comedic tune)
- (huffing) I'm
leaving you, Charles!
- Oh, you can't leave me!
If I can't have
you, no one will!
(wife laughing)
- You must be joshing!
- [Charles] Joshing, eh?
(wacky kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
(wife gagging)
- Please, Charles!
This girdle is killing me!
(audience laughing)
(cans clanking)
- Oh, I'm awfully sorry!
- Oh, oh, wait a minute!
Are you, are you Durwood Kirby?
- Well, that's right, yes I am.
- Will you give me your address?
I'm suing you for whiplash.
(audience laughing)
- One criticism of TV
commercials has been that they're
louder than the
regular programs...
- [All Except Lily]
That's not true!
- Look, we ran it through the
computer and it's decided that
we have to give our candidate
a brand new television image.
- Good idea.
- If we don't, we haven't
got a chance in this election.
- Well that's what we
pay you for, Wilson.
Now, how are you going to do it?
- We're going to cash in on
the current nostalgia trend.
- We're going to bring
back the stovepipe hat,
the beard, and even the wart.
- Sounds wonderful.
Bring the candidate in.
(Wilson humming)
- I give you the next
senator from Illinois.
(audience laughing)
- Wilson, you're fired!
- Up in Maine we don't believe
in all them fancy deodorants.
If there's a dance or something,
we hang just two pine cones
under our arms and you'd
swear you was waltzing
with a Christmas tree.
(audience laughing)
That's what we call
getting spruced up.
(comedic tune)
- This coffee stinks,
I mean, it's terrible!
Why can't you make
it like old Mrs. Jolson?
Old Mrs. Jolson?
Harry says my coffee
tastes like old socks.
How come your coffee's so good?
- Oh, that's easy, darling.
I use new socks.
(silly music)
- Hey, you know that I
heard the man from Glad
landed in Mrs. Olson's kitchen
and they both got bagged.
(audience laughing)
- A crown, there's a
crown on your head!
- Of course there's a crown
on my head, you dummy.
I'm the queen of England.
- You really think all those
beer commercials on TV
have an impact on anybody?
- Oh, gee I don't know.
(all laughing)
I haven't seen any.
- Well, what do you think?
- Yeah, will you let us
really know what you think?
- To be perfectly honest
with you, I haven't seen any.
I mean, every time a
beer commercial comes on,
I get up to get a beer.
(audience laughing)
- I'm Meg Cracken,
author of Meg Cracken's
"I Hate to Cook" book.
I wish I'd had written
a sensuous woman,
but that's the way
your meatball bounces.
When I got married,
I said to my husband
the Galloping Gourmet,
"You'll never catch me
"in the kitchen,"
and he never did.
However, he frequently
catches me other places
around the house, which
is one of the reasons
I've (yawning) always
had time to write my book.
I didn't forget that afternoon
in the butler's pantry.
You'll read about
it in my next book,
"Put a Little Fun
in Your Fricassee."
(audience laughing)
- You know Josephine,
a plumber, was once
a famous child actress.
- [Castmembers] Yeah?
- She just let her whole
career go down the drain.
(audience laughing)
(comedic tune)
- I never carry more
than $50 in cash.
But I do have 300 gallons
of muscatel in the vat.
(audience laughing)
- (drowned by audience) You
see, we have a hidden camera
between those shelves.
No, these shelves.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Now, when a customer comes up,
you get them to eat a cracker,
covered, a cracker.
- Oh!
- With Gyp peanut butter on it.
And after they've eaten
it, you eat one yourself
and you say, "Isn't that
the best you've ever tasted?"
- Oh!
(gasping) Oh, you
expect me, a star,
to eat peanut butter?
I, Laverne Blossom, who
have dined on the finest caviar?
(Laverne huffing)
- You get 300 bucks
every time they show it.
- Roll 'em!
(audience laughing)
- Shh, (drowned by
audience), act natural.
Are you ready?
We roll.
- Wonderful ma'am.
Here, here.
Try this peanut
butter (chuckling).
(Laverne munching in approval)
- [Director] Cut it!
What are you doing?
(audience laughing)
Oh gosh, Ms. Blossom.
Why didn't you
say this is the best
peanut butter you ever tasted?
(Laverne sucking)
(audience laughing)
- I saw a commercial
for an antacid
and it made me so sick
to my stomach that I had to
leave in the middle of the
program and go out and buy some.
- [Castmembers] Aww!
- Well listen, I hung up one
of those Shell Oil pest strips,
and now all the
flies in my house get
25 miles to the gallon.
(audience laughing)
- Daddy, Daddy, no cavities!
- Oh, that's terrific honey,
must be the new Crest.
- Are you sure
it's the new Crest?
- Oh yeah, it's gotta be.
It's got the fluoride.
(mugger bonking man)
(bird tweeting) ("Pop
Goes the Weasel")
- Now I think liquor
companies ought to be allowed
to advertise on television.
After all, if the program's
gonna drive us to drink,
we at least wanna
know what to drink.
(audience laughing)
- Right, right.
- If I see one more
commercial that tells me
I've got bad breath, I'm
gonna raise my voice in protest.
- [Dan] I don't blame you.
- Well, when you do, would
you mind facing the other way?
(all laughing)
(comedic tune)
- Morning.
- Hey, give me all your money!
(register chinging)
- [Attendant]
Don't shoot it now...
- Now hurry it up, hurry it up.
- Here you go.
Just a minute now.
- [Robber] What?
- Don't forget your
free juice glass.
- Oh, thank you.
(audience laughing)
- Nice to see you, Mr. Perdeen.
Toss your hat, jump for joy
Down the hatch, ship ahoy
If you wait for the big salute
(audience applauding)
(ship horn blaring)
- Yes that's right
Miss, the S.S. Burbank
is guaranteed unsinkable.
- Are you sure?
- Of course.
Here's our ship's designer.
Ask him yourself.
- Abandon ship!
(woman screaming)
- Adios!
- We had a beautiful
day here in California.
The clouds finally broke
right through the smog.
- Nurse, are we all scrubbed up?
- Yes, Doctor.
- Well, is everything
antiseptically clean?
- Yes, Doctor.
- Okay, let's begin.
(nurse sneezing)
- Oh, that's it for me.
(wacky kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
- Your attention please.
Will the person who
put the dirty floor mop
in Princess Grace's wig
carrying case please report
backstage at the Monaco
Jubilee Awards dinner.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
(upbeat xylophone music)
Get your horses to the gate
Race is starting, don't be late
One thing jockeys
never know Who will win
Or play Or show
(trumpet fanfare
music) (bell ringing)
What's the news
across the nation
Who's got the information
In a way we hope it's amusin'
How is the weapon
And when you start losin'
We just love to
give you our views
La ah dee da All
you Burbank bookies
Look at the news
With Dan and Dick
(women neighing)
(audience applauding)
- [Gary] And now, the
Laugh-In News with Al Jolson,
Alabamy found
VitaBlue on the mound.
Henny Youngman, and Burt
Reynolds just flying around.
- (clearing throat) But
first, these news headlines.
- Congress passes
car safety bill.
Auto makers go on crash program.
- Man falls 50 stories
immediately arrested
for going squish
in a hospital zone.
- Gay Lib party demands
higher voice in American politics.
- And now with news of
the present, here's Dick.
- In Hollywood today,
hot on the heels of rumors
about a sequel to Godfather
called the Godmother,
Marlon Brando is seen in
a smart Beverly Hills shop
picking out his gowns.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if I can see that.
Mr. Hobart Grasper,
that is Mr. Hobart Grasper,
charged with welfare fraud,
has protested his innocence
in these words,
"There was no fraud.
"I am on welfare legitimately
and here to prove it,
"and if I have to prove
it, I'm going to hire
"the best lawyers
money can buy."
(audience laughing)
Well, thank you.
- (laughing) I made 20.
- [Dick] That took some doing.
- Go ahead.
- In sort of a breakthrough
in body freezing today,
the late Percy Lightfoot
of the Gay Lib party,
was put on ice.
Percy is currently
resting peacefully at the
Alf O. Baggie market,
in the frozen fruit section.
(audience laughing)
And now, word on the subject
from the man on the street
to see what he thinks
about body freezing.
- I heard Dean Martin
signed up immediately.
He figured, "What
could be better than
"50 years on the rocks?"
- Body freezing may
be all right to some,
and it may work for some people.
It would not work
for my Uncle Harry.
- What's so different
about your Uncle Harry?
- Well, for one thing,
he froze to death.
They'd have to thaw
him out to freeze him.
And he's too old
to be a popsicle.
- And now with news
of the future, here's uh...
- Dan.
- No, he's doing the
news of the future.
The news of the future 20
years from now, New York City.
Arrests were at an all-time
low today as police report,
that crime in the
streets has gotten so bad
that now even the
criminals be afraid to go out,
at night, after dark, alone.
News of the future
20 years from now,
Elvis Presley announced
today that he will come out
of retirement and play at
Las Vegas right after he
has his hips lifted.
(audience laughing)
- I'd like to see that.
- Yeah, here's our
guest sportscaster,
everybody's all-time, all-American
Tom Harmon of Michigan
with this item.
(trumpet music)
- Today, the first
all-girl football team met
the Green Bay Packers
in the Houston Astrodome.
Today was marred by
violence during a huge pileup
Involving players
from both squads.
The referee was heard to
shout, "If you don't break it up
"right now, we'll never
get this game started."
- And now, a peek at the
week ahead in television.
(Dan snapping)
- Oh (giggling).
Oh, I can't wait to tell you.
On our side this week,
the chief is accused
of sitting down on the job.
(audience laughing)
On Bonanza, a harvesting
machine goes out of control,
and then a herd of cattle.
And that night, Ben
Cartwright is forced to eat
a 5,000-ton hamburger.
- That's two.
- I get it.
(giggling) On Wednesday,
did you mean they were good?
- Just keep your
role going, Donna.
- On Wednesday of this
week, be sure to watch
the Johnny Carson Show,
with special surprise host guest,
(giggling) Johnny Carson.
(Dick laughing)
(audience applauding)
- That Donna Jean Young
ought to have a brain transplant.
Someone should put one in.
(audience laughing)
- And now news
from around the world.
First, the Middle East.
- We are here in the
Middle East talking
to Sheik Abdul Valrama.
Sheik, it was announced
that yesterday all 500
of your wives filed for divorce.
What is the reason behind this?
- Well, one night they
came home unexpectedly
and caught me with
another 500 women.
- Now we take you to
a Japanese household
for another angle on the news.
- I've had it!
I don't care what
we have been doing
for the past 2,000 years!
This is a ridiculous way to eat.
You bring me chair!
(man clapping)
(woman mumbling)
(comedic tune)
- Now to our secret camera
at the China-Russia border.
- You see my guard
shack over there?
Inside it I have all
the comforts of home.
- Really?
What's in there?
- Nothing.
(audience laughing)
- In the salt mines today,
I saw old Mrs. Khankila.
She was arrested for knitting.
- Why?
What was she knitting?
- A passport.
(audience laughing)
- And how is communism
working in your country?
- Ah!
Every day this week,
the government gave me
a new pair of socks.
- Oh, that sounds
pretty good to me.
- For lunch!
- Now with Laugh-In's
financial page,
here's Sara Kennedy.
- Good evening, business buffs.
In an effort to attract
more customers,
Air Burbank has
commissioned Joseph Minsky,
a former owner of burlesque
theaters, to develop a plane
that will do bumps and grinds
all the way down the runway.
Pretty (mumbling)!
(whimsical tune)
That's it. (audience laughing)
- And now Hollywood items
with our special guest newscaster,
internationally known
Hollywood reporter, Hank Grant.
- Sad news from Hollywood.
Funeral services for Popeye's
long and lanky sweetheart
were held today in
keeping with her request
the cartoon star was cremated.
I tell you, it was a tearful
sight, seeing poor Popeye
leaving the funeral home
carrying a jar of warm Olive Oyl.
- Here now with the minority
view, Willie Tyler and Lester.
- And now it's time for the
black news and comment.
- Coming to you in living color.
- Ku Klux Klan leader Joe
Bob Dawson was cleared today
of charges that his car
struck down black leader,
Horace Perkins.
The jury ruled it was an
accident because Perkins
stepped into the path
of the car without looking.
- Yeah, but who looks
both ways when crossing
their own living room, man?
- That's it for tonight.
- Yeah, back to Amos and Andy.
- You mean Dan and Dick.
- Sure, without their makeup.
- And here's the Irish news.
- With Pat and Mike.
Diddly do, diddly
do (men humming)
- (clears throat)
That's enough of that.
Hi, the top o' the evening...
- I was just getting started.
- Yes your right
foot is Shaughnessy.
It's the top o' the
evening news to you.
- And here's an unusual item.
Riley Crawley drank his
first glass of beer in 12 years.
Swore he'd never touch another.
- What's so unusual about that?
- Well, I'll tell you what's
unusual about that.
He said, "It's rare you find
that kind of determination
"in a 12 year old."
- Ha, also there's a big news
story over at Shaughnessy's.
- Shaughnessy's.
- Shaughnessy's.
Mrs. Shaugnessy is
doing exercises to enlarge
portions of her figure.
- Well that's not
a big news story.
- Maybe not yet, but let's
wait for further developments.
- Well I must say, those
are two really pitiful items.
- Exactly what Shaughnessy
said before Mrs. Shaughnessy
started her exercise.
(men humming) (Irish jig music)
- Today in history, Dick
Martin became the first man
to have his ears pierced in
beautiful downtown Burbank.
Unfortunately, he learned
too late that most people
have them pierced on the bottom.
Ladies and gents
Laugh-In (mumbling) news
(audience applauding)
- I tell you how
patriotic John Wayne is.
When he drinks, his eyes
turn red, white, and blue.
(drum roll music)
- You know Dick, everybody
says that my brother
is gonna be the
next Flip Wilson.
- Oh, he's funny, huh?
- No, he just looks
right nice in a dress.
(both and audience laughing)
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
(slide whistle falling)
- Well, it's that time again,
ladies and gentlemen,
when it's question and
answer time here on
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.
I'm out here to answer any
questions you have at all.
If you have a question,
just raise your hand and,
no, where I can see it, just
anybody that has a question.
This has really gotten
to be a very popular
part of the show.
People have been coming
from all over just to ask questions.
(audience applauding) Anybody.
- Howdy, Bob!
Reckon the rain'll
hurt the rhubarb?
(Dan and audience laughing)
I got four more of those.
- I don't wanna hear the
first one again, I gotta...
- Howdy, Bob!
- Wait a minute!
We are not doing
Grand Ole Opry out here.
- I just love to
say, "Howdy, Bob!"
- [Dan] Howdy!
- I know that, I just
wanna get in the mood
to talk about my farm.
(cow bell ringing)
- You don't have a (laughing).
I remember that act.
(cow bell ringing)
You don't have a farm.
Don't lie to these people.
- Why am I dressed
like this, then?
- Let me have a guess.
- All right.
- You've just opened a
boutique for ding-dongs.
- Ha!
Scoff if you will.
- Okay, scoff,
scoff (chuckling).
- Only if you will (chuckling).
Did you know the
government pays us farmers not
to grow anything?
- Oh, yes I do, that's
agricultural subsidization.
- You wouldn't say
that if you were a farmer.
- Oh, why not?
- 'Cause I'm a farmer
and I couldn't say that
with my hands tied
behind my back (laughing).
- You got your hands
tied behind your back.
(cow bell ringing)
Don't do that.
You know what
subsidization means?
It means the government pays
you to keep your fields fallow.
- Ha!
In that case, they owe
me a fortune in fallows.
I haven't grown
anything in years,
and I've never grown a fallow.
- Never have.
- I've grown a fallow?
Ah ha ha ha ha ha
- Don't do that,
that's extra money.
- That's true (laughing).
- "I don't believe you
have a farm at all,"
he went right ahead and said.
- Well don't tell my pig and
my chicken, and my cow.
You got a chicken, pig, and
a cow, you call that a farm?
- Well, I was gonna
call it a library,
but somebody'd
taken that already.
Some old lady with some books.
- Call it a library.
- Yeah.
How would it sound,
Old McDonald had a library
- You're not gonna like
farm life when you find out
what it's like, it's
a very hard life.
- You're telling me,
up at the crack of dawn,
branding my chickens.
(chicken clucking)
- Branding your chickens?
- Yes.
Fertilizing the bunkhouse,
slopping the help...
- Wait a minute.
You don't slop the help.
- Cultivating the hybrids
and dusting the scarecrow.
- Well, I can see you've spent
a very hard day.
(cow bell ringing)
(both and audience laughing)
That's hard work, boy.
- Well, I have help.
- Yeah, you're
gonna need some too.
- I couldn't have reaped a
plowshare without my handyman,
old Zeke.
- Old Zeke?
I thought you said you
weren't growing anything
to get this...
- You're gonna listen
to everything I say,
we'll never get anywhere.
- That's true,
I can't argue with that.
- Hey Zeke!
Zeke, come on in here!
- Oh really?
(audience laughing)
This is your handyman, Zeke.
- Doesn't get any handier
than this, I'll tell you that.
(Dick and audience laughing)
What a farmer she is.
Show them, Zeke.
(drum roll music)
- Wait a minute, what's that?
- She's rotating her crops.
(Dick and audience laughing)
- You wanna see a south porty?
They moved the Bull
Durham sigh (laughing).
- I don't think
we're going to...
Old Dick Martin
had a farm E-I-E-I-O
(audience applauding)
- Any questions at all, folks.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
a medley of dog sounds.
For my first selection, a
dog early in the morning.
(Frank smacking)
(Frank yawning)
(Frank smacking)
- Next, I'd like to do for
you a dog after his shower.
(lips flapping)
(audience laughing)
- I learned to swim through
a correspondence course.
The only problem is
I can't go into a pool
unless the mailman's watching.
- A dog with a flea.
(Frank growling)
- Dog choking on flea.
(Frank growling)
(Frank coughing)
(audience laughing)
("Pop Goes the Weasel")
(rotary dials clicking)
- One ringy dingy.
A gracious hello.
Is this the party to
whom I am speaking?
General Motors?
Good.
Look General, do you recall
those cars you made last year?
Well, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to (snorting).
(audience applauding)
Hello, hello. Hello?
I'm gonna sing, "Cry
Me a River," and you folk
can jump in anytime.
- Dog walking happily
down the street.
(Frank panting)
- Oh yeah, yeah.
I know I'd just love
to take you in my arms
and make passionate love to you.
Kissy, kissy, kissy.
(wife smacking)
- How come you never
talk to me like that?
- Well, you're Brownstone the
famous magician, aren't you?
- Yes I am.
I've just come back from a
successful tour of Europe.
- Ah, let me check you through.
- Fine, thank you.
(whimsical music)
(audience laughing)
- Oh, well everything
seems to be in order.
- Yes.
That's all right.
Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- Cat early in the morning.
(Frank meowing)
- Cat looking for trouble.
(audience laughing)
- What can I get for two bucks?
- Half ownership
in the business.
- Hey Barlow?
- Hey Zeke.
- We still feudin'
with the Clampetts?
- Well... (gunshot blasting)
- Shucks, now I ain't
never gonna find out.
(chuckling)
(ship horn blaring)
- Excuse me, have you seen a
girl, a small boy, and a chimp?
- Yes, they're drowning.
They went overboard.
- Oh, thank you.
(whistle whooshing) (splashing)
- Cat and dog meet on the
same street early in the morning.
(Frank panting and sniffing)
(Frank growling)
(Frank meowing and hissing)
(Frank growling and barking)
(Frank yelping)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(trumpet fanfare music)
- Well it's time now for
Laugh-In's Whoopie Award.
- And who gets the winsome
winged wobbler tonight?
- The what?
- Winsome winged wobbler.
- The winged wobbler goes
to the United States Air Force.
- Well, it's about time,
they're finally under budget.
- Oh no, no, not
quite that good.
It's just for being fun.
It seems the Air Force
wants a brand new windshield
for its B-1 bomber.
And it is awarded the North
American Rockwell company
at contract for
$600,000 to do the job.
- Well now, I don't blame them.
I imagine after flying
around without a windshield,
you'd pay about anything for it.
- Well no, the bomber
already has windshields,
but the Air Force wants
a special one capable
of withstanding head-on
collisions with a duck
that flies at 700 miles an hour.
- Now that's ridiculous.
How often you gonna
run into a duck that
flies 700 miles an hour?
- No, no, you don't
understand, Dick.
Now to quote an item
from the L.A. Times,
nice looking fellow.
- [Dick] Nice.
- [Dan] The B-1 bomber
is designed to fly at nearly
the speed of sound while
skimming along the ground,
so the windows will have
to be able to withstand
a head-on collision with a duck.
- Or a bus, or a
bush, or a tall horse.
- So the Air Force is investing
in stronger windshields.
And prettier crewmen.
- Excuse me.
Wouldn't it be cheaper
to develop softer ducks?
- I suppose it would,
so thank you, Air Force.
Fly this in your
wild blue yonder.
- And for the first time,
anytime we see a airplane
skimming along the ground
at the speed of sound,
we'll all jump up
and yell, "Duck!"
- Yes, leave that somewhere.
Let's duck over to the party.
- You've got a deal.
(gunshot blasting)
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- Dan, you'll never
guess what happened!
- What happened, Ruth?
- Well, my five-year-old
niece has joined women's lib.
- No kidding.
- No, just the other
day, she burned her
Winnie the Pooh t-shirt.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Hi Adel.
- Hi.
- Say Dick, do you really
believe there's a war
between men and women?
- Oh yeah, I got five prisoners
in my apartment to prove it.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Oh, the economy's
in pretty bad shape.
You know there's a corner
in Beverly Hills where
movie stars sell maps
to poor people's homes?
(funk music)
- The thing I wanna, Ruth,
I want you, Dan, I want you
to hear this too.
(sighing) There
is a serious decline
and interest in religion today.
I personally know a
Seventh-Day Adventist
who's down to three days.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Strange things happened
in Los Angeles yesterday.
The smog was so bad,
one airline pilot circled
the airport for two hours.
- Couldn't land, huh?
- Oh no, no, he was
driving his car to work
and couldn't find it.
(funky music)
- Honey, there's
a fly in my drink.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Now there isn't.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- See, it's a real small
town, and it's only one fella
on unemployment,
you know what I mean?
Well, he didn't have anything
to do, so they hired him
to run the unemployment office.
Then he have anybody to
pay, so they had to fire him.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- I just bought one of
those new cameras that fits
in my pocket.
But so far, all I've gotten
are pictures of 35 cents
in change and some lint.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- You know, I've just
written a book that's
the number one
best-seller in Cleveland.
It's called "Guilt Without Sex."
- You know Mike?
- Yes I do.
- Nice fella.
- Terrific.
- You know, somebody
told me the pope has finally
given his approval
for birth control.
- When did he do that?
- Right after he tried to
cross the street in Rome
during the rush hour.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- Get down!
Oh, hey Sarah?
- Yeah?
- Do you know that
they're developing a train
that's capable of going
from L.A. to New York
in a half an hour?
- Now Lester, how are
they gonna get a train
to go that fast?
- Easy, they tell the
conductor if he doesn't
make it in time, he's gotta
stop overnight in Cleveland.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- And here's the
best part of the story.
This guy was the head of
the unemployment office.
- I'll tell you, Dan, with meat
so expensive these days,
I'll tell you what I put
on my sirloin steak.
- What?
- Put a little salt, a little
pepper, and a 24-hour guard.
(audience laughing)
(funky music)
- [Bartender] Yes sir?
- Yes, could I
have a later please?
- Oh sure.
- Here.
Make it a double.
Excuse me. (audience laughing)
- Hey guys, to make a long
story short, there was this...
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(funky music)
- We didn't have
any unemployment...
(funky music)
- I have a friend studying yoga.
He sits around all
day staring at his navel.
Yesterday, he got
the shock of his life.
He winked, and his
navel winked right back.
(audience laughing)
(ship horn blaring)
- Tonight, to celebrate
our maiden voyage,
I've decided to schedule
movies and a cartoon
for the passengers.
(ship crashing)
- Sir, the ship hit an iceberg!
- Cancel the cartoon.
(splashing)
(funky music)
- Wait, I'm not
kidding you, honest.
This guy they couldn't
pay him unemployment,
and he didn't have
a job, so they said,
"Well, let's put him in charge
of the office, you know?"
You guys are gonna
be calling the office.
Thanks, a lot.
(audience laughing)
Well there's this guy,
and he was unemployed,
do you know what I mean?
- Hey Moosie, have you heard
about the dummy who said, "No?"
- No.
- Haha, got you, dummy!
- Okay Doctor, we're ready
to start heart surgery now.
- But Nurse, the patient
is lying on his stomach.
- Hmm, oh well you wanna
hand me that sharp thing
with the handle on it?
- Sure, take it.
- [Nurse] Thank you.
(tool boinging)
(patient grunting)
- On this date in
history, Robie Greaver
of Burbank, California
became the first man to run off
with a casaba melon in order
to impress Masters and Johnson.
(audience laughing)
- And this'll kill you.
- [Bartender] Yeah.
- This guy was,
now he's the head
of the unemployment
office, you know?
But of course, there wasn't
anybody to give the check to,
you believe it?
- Yeah.
- And so, when they
finally put him in there,
they didn't have anybody to pay.
- Oh really?
- So they got rid of him.
- No kidding, no kidding.
- And he was out on
the street all by himself...
- Out on the street?
- Yeah, on Skid Row.
Well, course then they
discovered that they
didn't have anybody...
- Oh, that's fantastic.
- To pay him, you get it?
- Miss Young?
- Yes?
- I would like to compliment
you on the very tasteful way
in which you perform.
- Well, well thank you.
- Oh no, no, I said I would
like to compliment you.
Unfortunately, it is
against my principles to lie.
Thank you.
- You know Dan, my
uncle sells swimming pools.
- How's he doing?
- Well, he's just barely keeping
his head above the water.
(audience laughing)
- [Jud] It was the
darndest situation.
- I'll bet it was.
- [Jud] It was.
Here.
- Huh?
- [Jud] There's a
better part earlier.
- Oh yeah.
- [Jud] I'll go back to
where he's in the office,
and he didn't have
anybody to pay...
- Nobody to pay?
- [Jud] Nobody to pay.
Hey.
Hey.
(comedic music)
(audience laughing)
- Hey Mike, we want
you to take a look up there
and see what we're gonna
have next week on the show.
(slide whistle rising)
- [Gary] Jack Benny
will be with us.
(audience applauding)
And so will James
Farentino and Michele Lee.
Peter Marshall.
Hugh O'Brian and all of
our regular Burbank inmates.
- [Patti] Brian, my darling!
- [Brian] Yes, Patti my perfect!
- [Patti] Who sold out his
country to an English muffin?
- I don't know, who?
- Eggs Benedict Arnold.
- It's impossible to go
skinny dipping in a waterbed.
Well, almost impossible.
- Sarah, who rings your
doorbell, then drops perfume
all over your front porch?
- I don't know Ruthie, who?
- The Avon klutz.
- Hey, who's seven feet tall,
wears a black and white dress,
and changes the bed?
- I don't know, who?
- Wilt Chambermaid.
- Yes!
What Italian
dictator had antlers?
- [Dan] I don't know, who?
- Bullwinkle Mooselini.
- [Dick] I had a very
interesting problem.
A swallow who was afraid to fly.
- [Brian] What did you do?
- I mated him with a fly
that was afraid to swallow.
- Daniel, did I tell you,
the other day I went fishing
with a one-armed man.
- [Dan] No kidding,
did he catch anything?
- Marvelous, a big
fish about this big.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, why don't
parallel lines ever meet?
- Oh, you silly, who's
gonna introduce them?
(audience laughing)
- Ah, hahaha, hey Sarah?
- [Sarah] Yes?
- Sarah, what do you
call a guy, who sell shares,
who sell shares in
a hosiery company?
- Oh hoho, a sock broker.
- Why did the starving
fox cross the road?
- I don't know, but somebody
better tell that dumb chicken.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, two, two in a row.
You know what the
undertaker's kids' favorite
game is, Jud?
- No, what Dennis?
- Corpse and robbers.
(castmembers booing)
- Oh, but wait a minute.
Did you know that
Catholic piranha fish
only eat people on Fridays?
- A rolling stone
gathers no moss.
- [Sarah] Yeah.
- A little grass,
maybe, but no moss.
- [Dan] Well, it's time
to say good night.
- [Castmembers] Aww.
- Did I ever tell you
about the time my uncle
married a Siamese twin
and is being sued for divorce?
- There's no time, Dick.
- Yes, his wife caught him
fooling around with a girl
on the side.
(castmember laughing)
- Say good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick!
- Good night, everybody!
(audience applauding)
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick (chuckling).
- [All] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- (panting and barking)
Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- [Both] Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
Pookie pookie, Dan.
- Good night, Dick (snorting).
- Ms. Blossom,
look into the camera,
and say, "Good night, Dick."
- Of course.
Good night, Mr. DeMille.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Napoleon.
Adios.
- Good night Double, uh, Dick.
- Good night, Lyle.
- Good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dulie.
(Michael grunting)
- Good night, Dick.
I'll be in the office
if you need me.
- Good night, Dick.
- That is stupid.
You suppose to say,
"Good night, Dick."
- Oh, good night, Dick.
- Good night, Dick.
(wacky kazoo music)
(audience laughing)
(cymbal clashing)
(woman sobbing)