Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1967–1973): Season 6, Episode 4 - Episode #6.4 - full transcript
(groovy music)
- And now, direct from the
Burbank Toad Sanctuary
and Wart Removal Clinic,
NBC, the nothing
but cuckoos network,
goes back in
history and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in.
Starring the
revolutionary Dan Rowan
and the revolting Dick Martin.
With guest star, Lucie Arnaz,
plus Ruth Buzzi,
and this olive, Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
Brian Bressler, Patti Deutsch
Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young.
With cameo guest
stars Rich Little,
Moss Martin
and this is Gary
Owens with this question
for all of you amnesia patients,
remember the Alamo?
(laughter)
(comedic music)
(explosion with
shattering glass)
(bells not ringing)
- Assistant.
Have you been
messin' with these bells?
(bells ringing) (laughter)
- [Priest] And do you Sarah
Johnson take this man...
- Yes.
(rinky-dink music) (laughter)
- Are you and the co-pilot
allowed to drink in the cockpit?
- No, we have to get
smashed in the lounge,
like everybody else.
(laughter)
You know, you're a
saucy little baggage.
- Thank you.
- And a baggy little sausage.
(laughter)
- Jump, jump.
Yay.
- Okay, Woody, up.
Up!
Show us how high you
can jump, come on, go.
- Oh, Willie, I thought
you were in Cuba
doing What's My Line.
- I was but it didn't work out.
Every time the panel
put their blindfolds on,
somebody shot 'em.
(laughter)
- Harrison, you
remember we were told
we could bring
one personal item?
- Yeah?
- Well, meet my survival kit.
(swanky music) (laughter)
- Hey, Lucie.
- What?
- When is your
brother's birthday?
- January 19th.
- Oh.
- And August 6th,
and December 27th.
- Oh.
- And May 9th...
- Wait a minute, wait.
Wait a minute, how
can he have a birthday
on all those dates?
- Well, see, he was born
January 19th on my mother's show,
and the other days
are just reruns.
- Oh. (Laughter)
- I'll wager that Christian
out there is a friend of Nero's.
- What makes you say that?
- Well they've matched
him against a chihuahua.
- And now if Ironsides
is ever cancelled,
they won't have Raymond
Burr to push around anymore.
- You know we're
really gonna feel idiots
if this isn't
Dong-ho's birthday.
(sproing)
- Sarah.
- Yes?
- Sarah, can you loan me a
quarter for the laundry room?
- Sure.
- Oh, Sarah, there is
the cutest guy in there
and he's washing his
clothes, and he's really a doll.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hurry up, oh thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's alright.
- Now if I can only find someone
to loan me some laundry.
(laughter)
- Hi, I got in trouble for
teaching my German shepherd
to fetch the paper.
- Why did you get in trouble?
- He fetched it before
the paperboy got a chance
to let go of it.
(laughter)
- Lucie, would you marry me?
- Oh, no, Lester, that's
out of the question.
- Why, you afraid
of discrimination?
- No, I'm afraid of splinters.
- Uh-huh.
(laughter)
- I didn't use my
antiperspirant yesterday,
and I may not use it today.
- Do me a favor, will you?
Please use it tomorrow.
(laughter)
(speaking in French)
(crashes) (laughter)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause) (groovy fanfare)
- My goodness.
- No more, more cops.
(appreciative banter
through applause)
- Back, back.
- We need more
cops to hold 'em back.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much for that.
- And now for 75 points and
the diamond jubilee jackpot,
what is the meaning of the
following Italian hand gesture?
- Wait-wait, wait, wait, wait
Hold-hold, hold it.
- That's close.
- No. (laughter)
Now what is this all about?
- I'm trying to make a
new name for myself.
- And give up "Bird-Brain"?
- Sticks and strings
may break my things.
- No, no.
That's stones.
- Sticks and strings
may break my stones.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Now what manner of
fallderall and tomfoolery
has your meager mind
hatchered and nurtured
and come up with
on this fated eve?
- Let me take a guess,
is it Grant's Tomb?
- No, no, what are you up to?
- Game shows, there's a
fortune to be made in game shows
and I've got some great ones.
- For instance?
- Celebrity bull-fighting.
(laughter)
- Celebrity bull-fighting.
- Skydiving with Julia.
(laughter)
- Win a Hickey.
- Wait a minute,
I don't wanna win a hickey.
- Oh, then there's
my all-time favorite.
- What's that?
- Answer the Question
and Win a Weekend
in a Remote Mountain Cabin.
- Oh, well that's reasonable.
- Next Door to a Liquor Store.
- Alright.
- Directly Across the Street
from a Pornographic
Film Festival.
(laughter drowns
out Dan's protests)
With a Well-Known
Monday Night TV Star.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
Now what kind of game is that?
- I'll show you, can
we have a contestant,
ladies and gentlemen,
anyone from the audience?
How 'bout you sir?
Come right up here.
- How 'bout you "sir"?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
- Wait a minute.
(applause and fanfare
drowns out Dan's protests)
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- Well, you haven't
asked her a question yet.
- I don't have to, I know
a winner when I see one.
(laughter)
See you in a little
while, darling, by golly.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
- [Brian] Excuse me, are
you Rowan and Martin?
- Yes, I am.
- Oh, good, I have
a letter for you.
- Thank you.
Oh, it's for you.
- [Richard] Oh, gentlemen,
happy New Year.
May I say I'm a lawyer, watch.
- What's that?
- An open and shut case.
(laughter)
- Hi, Dan.
- Hi, Donna.
- How did the
Washington Red Socks...
- Just simmer down and
ask us a question, cat.
- How did the Washington
Redskins come out yesterday?
- I haven't any idea.
- Well how did the LA Rams?
- I don't know.
- Well then how about
the Chicago Bears?
- We don't know, Donna.
- Oh boy, everybody knows,
but you guys really
don't know the score.
(laughter)
(gong clang)
- Life is really funny.
Here I am on Laugh-In
and only a few of years ago
my mother wouldn't
even let me watch it.
(laughter)
- This is George Barnes, you
know I'd rather sing than eat?
Though many people
who've heard me sing would
rather hear me eat.
- Sister Lucie.
- Yeah?
- What do you think
of women's chances
of being ordained as a priest?
- Oh, we haven't got a prayer.
- This Monday is Farmer's
Day, so take a piggy to market.
- Come on, girl, let's get up.
Come on, come on, thata girl.
You know it's time
to learn how to fly,
so out of the nest, come on.
- No, please, you wouldn't.
It's murder, I'll do anything
only please don't push me out.
- Oh now, you're
being ridiculous.
You've got to learn how to
spread your wings, come on now.
- Wings, are you kiddin'?
How can you send a
kid up in a crate like this?
No, I won't do it.
- You've got to, otherwise
how are you gonna
catch bugs to eat?
- Bugs to eat?
I'm goin' through all
this so I can eat bugs?
I want a career, life.
- Oh, you've got to learn
how to fly, now come on.
- No, flying is ridiculous.
If birds were meant to fly,
we'd be sittin' three
across holdin' airsick bags.
I'm not gonna do it, there's
no way I'm gonna do it.
- Come on now, let's go.
- Take your hands offa me.
(grunting and protesting)
(slide whistle fall)
(crash)
- [Brian] I think
I broke my leg.
- Ooh, you shoulda'
learned how to fly.
- Senator, I understand
that you will be
making an appearance on
a national television show.
- That is absolutely correct.
- Uh-huh, will that be
on issues and answers
or meet the press?
- Neither one, I'll be
on Let's Make a Deal.
(laughter)
- I've worn this girdle
27 times and it still fits
like the day I bought it.
So listen and listen tight.
(laughter)
Someday my prince will come
(pop)
Oh my goodness,
are you my prince?
(grunting in the negative)
- Nope, I'm just a frog.
- Oh.
- Why don'cha sing,
"Someday my frog will
come," and see what happens.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(pop)
Someday my frog will come (pop)
- My goodness, why don't you
turn into a handsome prince?
- Well I've got a better idea,
why don't you turn into a frog?
(laughter)
- [Gary] The Boom-Boom Room
proudly presents Alan Peterson.
(melancholy piano)
- Music, Maestro, please.
Those fancy coloring books
That lots of people do
Here's a new one for you
A most unusual coloring book
The kind you'll never see
Crayons ready, crayons
set, begin to color
Me (piano tune
turns rather off-key)
These are the eyes
That watched her
As she walked Away
Color them gray
(laughter and applause)
- Yay Booms, rah
Booms Boom-booms, yay.
- Now then, may I have
your name, please?
- Oscar MacDonald.
- O. MacDonald, and
what is your line of work?
- I have a farm.
- O. MacDonald has a farm,
and did you own or
are you subsidized?
- No, it is subsidized
by the Economic Institute
of Eastern Indiana and Ohio.
- Well, I'll just
use the initials.
O. MacDonald has
a farm, E.I.E.I.O.
(laughter)
Now, to list your assets,
on this farm do you
have any livestock?
- Yes, on this farm,
I have some cows.
- How many?
- Let's see, I've got a moo-moo
here, a moo-moo there,
- here a moo, there a moo,
everywhere a moo-moo.
- Uh-huh, and on this farm,
do you have some pigs?
- A few.
I've got an oink-oink
here, an oink-oink there,
here an oink, there an oink,
everywhere an oink-oink.
- I see, now let's
see what we've got.
- O. MacDonald
has a farm, E.I.E.I.O.
And on this farm he has some
cows, with a moo-moo here,
a moo-moo there, here
a moo, there a moo,
everywhere a moo-moo.
An oink-oink here,
an oink-oink there
Here an oink, there an
oink, everywhere an oink-oink
O. MacDonald has
a farm, E.I.E.I.O.
Well, I guess that covers it.
- Yes and how much do I owe ya?
- Six pence.
- I'm sorry all I have
is a pocket full of rye.
- Well, throw in four and
20 blackbirds baked in a pie
and we'll call it even.
- [Jud] Excellent.
(laughter and applause)
(mumbled conferring)
- [Ruth] Dick, Dan, have you
seen my husband around here?
- No, I haven't seen him.
- Have you, Dick?
- No, I haven't seen him.
- Are you sure?
- He's not here.
- No.
- Good.
Hit it, Ian.
(sultry honky-tonk music)
Sexiest danger
Get with me now
(whooping and laughter)
- Wow.
(rinky-dink music)
(nervous grunting)
- Tell me, Doctor, how long
have you been
practicing dentistry?
- Oh, well... (crash)
- It's time for the Donna
Jean Young Show
and heeeeeere's Donna.
(applause)
(thud)
- Hi.
(muffled giggling and kissing)
My guests today are the
authors of this new book.
Where's the book?
(laughter)
How to stay,
How to Stay Happily
Married Forever
and here they are now,
Clara and David Smedley.
Oh, which one of you is Clara?
Clara, oh well sit down.
Sit, no, sit down, really.
(thud)
- Thank you.
(laughter)
Oh, thank you.
Oh, welcome to my show.
- [David] Thank you.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, you look familiar.
David, have you been
on my show before?
- Oh, no, no, no.
We never appear anywhere
unless we're together, huh, honey?
- Oh, I could've sworn, well.
Oh well, let's talk about
the book, where's the...
Oh, the book.
(laughing)
I'm sorry David.
Oh, the book on How to
Stay Happily Married Forever.
I know where I met you before.
(David hums inquisitively)
I met you at the Barber's
Convention in Reno,
you're Wild Dave, yes you are.
(laughter)
Yes you are, I think
you are Wild Dave.
Oh, Clara.
Oh, you looked so much
younger when you were there.
But you did have
that mole removed.
- Mole?
- I remember...
- I don't know what
you're talking about,
I have never been to Reno.
- Oh sure you
have, you remember,
your hair was really,
really beautiful, long and red
and you had this (gasps)
you had that
see-through thing on
that was really frilly.
And you were sitting
on Wild Dave's lap.
(whoops) (laughter)
- You two-timing bum, I'll
teach you to double cross me.
(pow) (shattering glass)
- Oh, aren't they a fun couple?
Aren't they fun?
It's no wonder she's confused,
he was so much taller
with his clothes off.
(applause)
(whistle)
(screeching)
(slapstick music)
(engine revving)
- Hi, Dan, what are you doin'?
- Shh, I'm watchin'
Laugh-In salute adult books.
(laughing)
They're doggin' us.
- [Clapboardist] Take.
- Hey, Dan, what are you doin'?
- Shh, this is great.
I'm watching Laugh-In
salute adult books and movies.
(laughing)
- Are they fucking movies?
(laughter)
(snap)
(Both laughing)
- Had a great start,
though, I'll tell you.
(clap)
- Hi, Dan, what are you doin'?
- What are you doin' out here?
You're supposed
to be back there?
- The donkey died.
(laughing)
(clap)
(Dan loses it giggling)
What happened to your voice?
(laughing)
(clap)
- Hi, Dan.
(Dick loses it)
(clap)
What are you doin', Dan?
- Well... (laughs)
- Well, let me do it.
(clap)
What are you doin', Dan?
- Shh, hold it, I'm
watching Laugh-In
salute adult books and movies.
- Adult books and
movies, that's disgusting.
You get outta there.
Oh, you wanna see
somethin' real good?
Come on.
(peppy band music)
Give a yell, give a cheer
Give a look and listen here
'Cause it's time
for the big salute
(groovy twanging music)
Give a hoot, give a hey
Try a hippy-hip hooray
Tippy-Tap for the big salute
(twangy groovy music)
Ruby Keeler Shirley
Temple Elanor Powell
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers
Now we've got some fancy tricks
Sure, we've got
some fancy tricks
Rowan and Martin
Laugh-In salutes
Naughty books and flicks
Put a tap in your step
Show the world
you're full of pep
With a salute
Our salute our salute our salute
A salute a salute
Join the dance travel
loose What a kick
It's a big salute (applause)
- Hey, gang, what a
movie I saw last night.
(inquiring murmurs)
Yeah, in it they
had a BYOB orgy.
- What's a BYOB orgy?
- Bring your own bacon fat.
(laughter and applause)
- Last night I saw a nudie
movie about the phone company.
You now what it was called?
(negating replies from all)
I Have Curious Yellow Pages.
(laughter)
- Well, - [Dan]
What is it, Sarah?
- [Dick] Very well, thank you.
- So Hollywood stars are
performing with no clothes on.
- [Dan] No kidding, shocking.
- Well that just
goes to show ya.
(laughing)
- You know, I don't
understand people.
I mean, especially
here in Hollywood.
I mean they're
just not friendly.
I mean, you take the other
day, a guy comes in here
and tells me he
just got a divorce.
He says he wants something
to help him forget his wife.
So I gave him three whiskey
sours and my phone number.
- The x-rated adult
cartoon, Fritz the Cat,
- [Cast] Yeah?
- Had a run-in
with the law today.
- [Cast] Oh yeah?
- When in the middle
of the screening...
- [Cast] Yeah?
- Can you hear me?
A vice squad officer
raided a theater
and announced
through a bullhorn,
"Th-th-th-that's all folks."
(laughter)
- Man, I really don't
know what's happening
to public morals anymore.
Sweetheart, listen to this,
"Still top of the
bestseller list,
the searing novel of
lust in a hollow tree,
Bark Up Our Trunks."
- Haven't you listened
to the movies nowadays?
"See blind passion
during a shipwreck,
don't miss Women and Men First."
It's just terrible how
morals these days
are going to the dogs.
- It really is.
- At least that's what
my husband says.
- I know, I hear the
same thing from my wife.
(laughter)
- Wait a second.
- [Crew] What?
- I understand one adult
bookstore was doing such
great business...
(inquiring from cast)
Yeah, that it was forced
to move to dirtier quarters.
- Oh, hey Zeke, it says
here "Total Nudity."
Hey, why not go in, come on.
- Not me.
- Well why not?
- I ain't takin' my clothes
off just to have a drink.
(laughter)
(fanfare)
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've
all been waiting for.
Who will it be?
Who will it be, who will
be Miss America of 1972?
May I have the envelope please.
Thank you.
Exciting moment, isn't it?
Who will it be?
The winner is,
Miss Utah.
Oh, it is the keys for
the dirty book store he
had to close down.
Well, somebody
bought the dirty book.
(laughter)
- I tell you, C.B.,
it's a great treatment
of the life of Madame Curie.
It's accurate and wholesome,
but in the scene where
she discovers radium
don't you think she should at
least be wearing something?
- Hey, y'all I knew my
blind date was gonna be
into somethin' the minute
I picked her up last night.
- Well how do you know that?
- 'Cause she was wearing
a plain brown wrapper.
(laughter)
- Where was I?
Oh, yes, for the
fourth time that night,
Steve and Helen found
themselves alone on the beach.
Alone,
waiting.
Her nostrils flared
with excitement
as she felt his hands
on her soft white
skin, caressing her.
They knew that nothing,
nothing now could hold back
the passion that was within him.
He took her hand...
- Oh, stop, I can't
go on any longer.
- Oh, very well.
(splash)
- Thanks, I needed that.
- Steve and Helen knew
what they must do now.
(foghorn)
- Oh, what are you shooting?
- The New York Skyline.
- Oh.
- Wanna buy a dirty picture?
(laughter)
- When I was a boy on the
farm, my favorite adult book
was the Sears and
Roebuck catalog.
(appreciative murmurs)
- Yeah, see to get to
the farm equipment,
you had to go
through those pages
where all them girls
were modeling underwear.
(laughing)
- How do you do, my
name is Eggsemma Tight
and I am president
pro-tem of the
League for a Cleaner Everything.
I should like to
talk to you tonight
about a film I saw, entitled
I am Curious Tishman
and Selected Shorts.
The subject matter
was disgusting.
It dealt with a
degenerate young woman
who went from man to man,
for her life was 10 cents a dance
and a quarter for extras.
She smoked, she drank, she
swung naked from chandeliers,
the moonlight glistening
on her white, naked body.
Men were pawing and
clawing her as they drooled
lasciviously down her neck.
They caressed her
lithe, sylphlike body
as she shamelessly
cried for more.
Oh, I liked it.
(laughter)
That's the end of the song
Come on back to do some more
Til you wish for the
big salute (applause)
- Found, a marriage licence
made out to whom it may concern
left in our studio audience
by Zsa Zsa Gabor.
(laughter)
(groovy music)
(laughter)
- Hi, my name is Maria
Balone and I'm here
to try out for the team.
Where do I skate?
- Skate?
(laughs)
This is a roller derby,
nobody cares if you can skate.
How d'ya punch?
- What do you mean?
- Now here, I'll show you.
Now look, we're on the
track and I'm tryin' to pass you,
what do you do?
- I try to get in your way.
- Ahh, no, no.
Ya do this.
(clong)
Then while you're dazed
I give you a hip bop.
Like that.
Now when I'm layin' there on
the ground, what do you do?
- I don't suppose I'd
try to help you up?
- That's right, you wouldn't.
You'd do this.
(kicking)
Now you got that?
- I think so.
- Good, good, here
lemme help you up.
(grunts)
Hey, Rocky.
Rocky, I want you to meet
our new skater, Maria Baloney.
Maria, say hello to Rocky Riley.
- Hi.
- [Maria] How do you do?
(whooping)
(scuffling)
- You're right on.
- Fine, now kid,
you've gotta be tough
on the track and off.
(crashing)
- There, good girl.
- Yeah.
- Well, I guess I'll go
and get my skates now.
But first before I go, I'd
really like to thank you both
for all your help.
- Aw shucks.
(biff, pow)
(crack)
(shatter)
(crash)
- If I catch that Rich Little
doin' one of those imitations
of me, I'm gonna punch
that kid right in the mouth.
(pow)
- A friend of mine wore
a self-winding watch
during a fast game of ping pong
and just before
the game was over,
it screwed his arm into
the table, spun him around,
and drove him over to John
Cameron Swayze's house.
(cans clinking)
- It's time for a station
break, ya'll come back now.
(cabaret music)
Willkommen bienvenue
How have you been
- We're glad to see ya.
Come to the Cabaret
Haha walk right on in
Pull up a waiter Ooooh ooooooooh
Aiiiiiiiieeeeee
What's the news
across the nation
- Aha, aah.
We've got the
information - Ahaaa.
In a way we hope will amuse yous
- Mein herr, I will amuse you.
(sultry laughing)
We just love to keep you amused
La dah dee dah Old
chum Ladies and gents
Laugh along to the
news Mit Dan and Dick
- Yah.
(applause)
- [Gary] And now the Laugh-In
News, with the latest moonshot
in a crater and Ford Motors
recalling Ralph Nader.
And here's Dan and
Dick with the headlines.
- First these news headlines.
Flash, 12 people conducting
a sleep-in at the capital
are arrested and charged with
impersonating congressmen.
- Flash, Mickey Rooney and
Raquel Welch in Dance Marathon,
Mickey Quits Under Pressure.
- Flash, Momma Cass visits
the floor of the stock exchange.
- Bottom falls out of market.
- And now here's Dick
with the present news.
- Three months ago, the
gay liberation movement
won a landmark case
when two men were allowed
to adopt a child.
- [Dan] I remember that.
- Yes, well
unfortunately
problems arose today,
when the baby
uttered its first word,
"Mama," and nobody answered.
(Dan's reply drowned
out by laughter)
Certainly are.
Today, 97-year old
prospector, Cecil Smith,
found alive after surviving
23 years in Death Valley,
was asked how he managed
to maintain his sanity
all those years.
He said, "It was easy.
"Every day, I would
chop down a cactus plant,
"slice it into small
sections, and then I'd
"line up the pieces
and dance with them."
- [Dan] Keep him goin' straight.
- That will keep him
happy for a while.
- News of the future, 20 years
from now, Dateline Los Vegas.
The price of meat is now
so high, slot machines
in this gambling city
are paying off in meat
instead of money.
Yesterday, a woman put
a dollar in a slot machine,
hit the jackpot, won six legs
of lamb and a pound of liver.
And was immediately attacked
by the entire casino crowd.
It was a terrible thing to see.
Yeah, they took her
liver and everything.
News of the future, 20 years
from now, Burbank, California.
Filming of the first liquor
commercial for television
had to be halted today
at the NBC Studios,
when director William
Shotglass Foster
would not come down
from the chandelier.
Whoeeeeee.
- And now here's our
own Donna Jean Young
with previews of this
week's television shows.
Donna Jean.
- Okay.
Tune in, Adam-12 this week
when officers Reed and
Malloy test the validity
of the search and seizure law,
in the third balcony
of the Orphean
Theatre and get arrested
for molesting an usher.
(laughter)
- That's on another
show, apparently.
Go right ahead, Donna.
- I didn't get that.
On Hawaiian Five-0, Jack...
- [Dan] Hawaii Five-0.
- Oh, yeah.
On Hawaii Five-0, Jack Lord
smiles and his ears fall off.
(laughter)
- You had it for that one.
- That's a good'un.
- Don't wait for anything.
Just keep going.
- And finally, don't fail,
watch Wednesday Mystery
when Wayne Newton
and Liberachi get together.
What do they do
when they get together?
That's the Wednesday Mystery.
(laughing)
- And now a report from
the China-Russia border.
- What book are you
reading right now?
- From America.
- Ah.
- It's called Everything You
Want to Know About Sex.
Those lousy capitalists,
always stealing our invention.
- Russians invented sex?
- Of course.
- [Soldier] But how?
- After we invented
vodka, it was easy.
(hiccups) (laughing)
(bulletin chimes) (printing)
- Was that a late bulletin?
- No, my hands are damp.
- So's your head.
Now for our small town report,
to Jud Strunk in
Farmington, Maine.
- Hey there, Jud Strunk here.
Well, Lymon Getchel's
wife sure plagued him
somethin' awful for money.
She wanted to have this here
new bust-developin' surgery.
First, Lymon told her he
needed every cent for seed
on the potato farm, but she
carried on until he compromised.
Half for bust developin',
half for the farm.
Poor Lymon, wound
up on both counts with
pretty small potatoes.
(laughing)
- Now it's time for Laugh-In's
Doctor Martha Wellby
with news from the
world of medicine.
- Here's some exciting
news, Japanese doctors
have developed a
transistorized artificial brain
smaller than a pea.
The only problem is when
it is placed in a man's skull,
it keeps rolling out his ear.
- Here's the internationally
famous columnist
and a Hollywood
reporter, Marveen Jones,
with an item from Tinseltown.
- Hollywood, California, a
major film studio has just signed
Toadie Fields to
play the title role
in their remake of the
biblical classic, Salome.
Highlight of the
film will be the scene
where Toadie does the
dance of the 700 veils.
- Here's Willie Tyler
with the weather.
- Well, folks, rain,
nothing but rain.
All over the United
States, except
for right here in San Clemente.
Billy Graham must be with him.
- And now to Japan for a report
on the annual diving
championship in Tokyo.
- Hello from Japan, big
sports event in Japan today.
Toshiro Sakato,
former kamikaze pilot,
won the high dive
when he completed
a three and a half gainer
after the pool was drained.
(gong)
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Switch you now
to our man in India.
- According to the
Indian caste system,
there is one class of people
known as untouchables.
We are about to ask
one of these women
why they are known
as untouchables.
(clears throat)
Excuse me.
(pow) (yelps)
- Don't touch me, you animal.
(laughter)
- The first annual Clifford
Irving fraud-throwing contest
will be held in Zurich,
Switzerland this coming Saturday.
La daa dee dah Ladies and Gents
Laugh along to the news.
(crashing) (crying in pain)
(applause)
- Wonderful, how did you
get such great seats, Caesar?
- Well, one of the lions is
a personal friend of mine.
- You know, Lester,
you would've been great
on that old TV show,
Stump the Stars.
- Oh, as a star?
- No, as a stump.
(laughter)
- If I said a joke like that,
my mommy would send me to
bed without supper for a week.
- Then why doesn't
Dick and Dan's mommy
send them to bed
without supper for a week?
(laughter)
- I'm half Irish and half
Cuban, and every time
Saint Patrick's Day rolls
around, I get this crazy urge
to put on green fatigues
and smoke cigars.
(laughter)
(rinky-tink music)
(laughter)
- This is the part of
the show that I really
have grown quite fond
of, when I take questions
from the studio
audience and give you any
straight off the
shoulder answer.
So, if you'd like to
ask anything at all,
just any kind of a question.
It doesn't have to be
a question about me,
you can ask a question
about what's-his-name.
Some of the crew
could ask questions
if they wanted to.
Would you like to ask...
I tell you what, I'll give
you some questions
and then I'll answer any
of those questions at all.
If we could have
some of the ushers
pass out some
questions. (laughing)
If we could...
- Hello.
- Well?
- I finally found the answer.
- And I'll bet I
know the question.
What does the bridesmaid
wear at Tiny Tim's wedding?
- Wrong.
I...
- Put back the mast.
- Put back the mast.
I have taken up beekeeping.
- You have taken up beekeeping.
- That's funny, so have I.
(laughter)
That's two of us, two
heads are better than one,
I always say.
- You, sir, are a beekeeper.
- I'm a bee person, we call it.
- A bee person.
- A bee person, yes.
- Yes, sir, I knew you'd
never make the A-list.
(laughing)
Well, listen, if
you're a bee person,
tell me how is it
going, he asks.
- Not too good, last week
I planted a dozen bees
and all of them died.
- You planted...
- Yes.
- You don't plant
'em, you ding dong.
Bees have hives.
- Oh, none of mine did.
Although one of
them did have a rash.
(laughter)
He was the one who
used to fly around like this.
(buzzing)
- If I could fly like that, I
wouldn't need talcum powder.
- Ha. (drum hit)
Crack grain lives.
(laughing)
- And inside that suit.
(laughing)
Do you get much honey?
- Well, I do alright, darlin'.
(laughter)
Now that you bring it up.
(laughing)
- Well what about beeswax.
- Well, I'm having a little
trouble with the beeswax.
- Why is that?
- Well, gettin' the q-tip
in those tiny little ears...
- Oh, that's difficult.
- That's quite a chore.
- Do you really know
anything about bees,
or do you just got
the funny outfit?
- No, I know all about bees.
I am a bee person by trade
now, and I know all about them.
- Fine is it true that...
- They fly due
south at all times.
- No, well how'd they
ever get back to the hive?
- None, there's new
bees, all new bees.
(laughing)
- Well they have a
very short lifespan,
I understand bees
only live six weeks.
Is that true?
- That's true.
That's why there's so
many bees live in Cleveland.
- Why if they
only live six weeks
should they only
live in Cleveland?
- Well, because six
weeks in Cleveland
is like a lifetime
anywhere else.
(laughing)
We'll hear from
Cleveland on that one.
- Yes, I suppose.
(laughter)
I'd be ashamed of myself
to get all dressed up
in that silly outfit
just to do an old joke.
Hey, you're never going
to really be a beekeeper?
- Well I'm much better at that
than I am at being
a goat-keeper.
- Why's that?
- Did ever taste goat honey?
- No, sweetheart, I never have.
(laughing)
- You keep sayin' that, doncha?
- Put the net back
over your face.
- Alright, I will put the
net back over my head.
This is the part I
hate, incidentally.
- What's that, putting
the net over your face?
- No, I have to
wake up the bees.
- You have to wake up the bees?
- Yes, and I hate this part.
- Why is that?
- 'Cause I always get stung.
- Well doesn't that
outfit do any good at all?
- Sure does, I
haven't lost a bee yet.
- Oy, everybody up.
(buzzing) Up,
up, up, up, up, up.
(applause)
- Once and for
all, I've been kinky.
- Would you like to buy
a map to the stars' home?
- No, thanks, but
how's business?
- Terrible.
Ain't too many stars
livin' here in Watts.
- Look, look, that
man's pulling a thorn
out of the lion's paw.
- Yes, and the lion's
returning the favor.
He's pulling an arm
out of the man's socket.
(laughter)
- There's just one
thing I wanna tell you.
- Please tell me.
- Pookie-Pookie.
- A reminder, this is
National Articulation
and Good Diction Week,
try to crafman and goudit.
- It's just there are a lot of
people who think that having
a famous mother and
father makes it easier
to get into showbusiness,
but what they don't realize
is that I had to struggle
along doing bit parts
til I was almost 3.
(laughter)
(silly music)
(birds chirping)
- Oh, I tell you
one thing, Harry,
that new defense
budget is for the birds.
(shot fires)
- Yeah, I've heard
of limited war,
but this is ridiculous.
(ricochet)
We're not even overseas.
- My fellow Americans,
here is my impression
of President Nixon doing
his impression of Clark Gable.
(lips smacking)
(laughter)
Now let me make
this perfectly clear,
frankly, Sparrow, I
don't give a damn.
(laughter)
- [Donna] You must be one
of those Hollywood fruits.
(sighing)
- [Male Voice] Tell
me something, Mary,
how much did that
nose job cost you?
- Evenin', Americans,
General Bull Ride here.
Tellin' you to
shape up or ship out.
Now tonight, I want
you to meet my son,
Ulysses S. Patton
MacArthur Wright.
Call 'im U.S. for short,
come on in here, U.S.
Now you hear a lotta
talk today about the youth
being unpatriotic,
disrespectful, and alienated.
Horsefeathers.
Tell 'em, U.S.
- Horsefeathers, sir.
- Why, he'd be in
the army himself
if it wasn't for his asthma.
Cough for 'em, U.S.
(soft cough)
That's it.
Now you'll notice that U.S.
here's no long-haired freak.
And he's sick and tired
of all these far-left liberal
folk singers
tellin' it like it ain't.
So he's written some
songs to counteract all that.
Tell 'em U.S.
- I sure will, dad, sir.
I've written some songs like,
By the Time I Get to
Phoenix I'll be Corporal.
- Yeah.
- A big hit.
Raindrops Keep
Fallin' on my Platoon.
- [General] Atta boy.
He's written some songs
to counteract all that stuff
and tonight, U.S. is gonna
sing a brand new song for us.
What's it called, U.S.?
- Well, sir, it's called, If
You're Pinko You're Stinko.
- Crazy about
those love ballads.
- From the top?
- Take it.
(banjo notes)
Mommy mommy mommy
If I should catch a commie
Tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna grab him by the hair
Throw him through the air
Kick him with the toe
of my shoe (sobbing)
Cause a pinko is a stinko
You can't trust a pinko
There the kind I never wanna see
(General weeping)
When I go out walking
If I should hear one talking
Gonna kick him right in the knee
- That's my boy.
They don't write songs
like that any more, folks.
(applause)
- They sure don't, sir.
Cheer up.
- Straighten up, U.S.
(laughter)
- Lester, do you like
sitting on my lap?
- Well let me put
it this way, Lucie,
you don't look exactly
like my partner, Willie,
but you're a whole
lot more comfortable.
(laughter)
(silly music)
(soft piano notes)
Anybody wanna sing
with me Or dance with me
Romance with me
How about a happenstance with me
If interested apply
Ooh I'm interested
Me too Just one of you will do
I can dance much
better than Dan can
Better than Dan can dance
If you can dance much
better than Dan can
Better give dance a chance
- Well take a look.
- He can barely walk.
(twinkling lively music)
(laughter and applause)
I can sing much
better than Dick can
Better than Dick can sing
Well if you can sing
much better than Dick sings
Better give song a
fling (singing falsetto)
Oh both of you
are terribly clever
Terribly gifted gents
But I must have
better credentials
Better essentials
I can chop wood
I can knit and tat
I can play chess
I could shave a cat
I can act much
better than Dick can
Better than Dick can act
Well I do parts much
better than Dan can
That's a well-known
fact - Regard it.
To be or not to be.
- How now, brown cow?
I'll admit you're
very impressive
Very expressive guys
Well than why not
give us a tumble
Come on Startin to grumble
Can you milk cows Can
you bale some hay No
Can you tie-dye
Can you macrame No
Can't you see
you're better together
Better than on your own
And thee of us
are better at kidding
Better at joking
Better at laughing
Better at having fun
Better than better
than better than
Anyone (operatic
singing and trilling)
Better than anyone (applause)
(Dick drowned out by applause)
(whooping)
- There's one lion there
who hasn't left his den.
- Oh yes, he's terribly lazy.
Just stays in there and
sends out for Christian delight.
- Now I'd like to give you
my impression of Don Rickles.
(clears throat)
He's short, pudgy,
and has a big mouth.
Thank you.
(laughter)
- Here comes the
Brownstones, yay.
(sax music)
- Aw, hey, I'd
better start cookin'.
- Say what?
- I'd better start cookin'.
- For what?
- 'Cause the white
family next door
are coming over for dinner.
- Say what, you've
got the nerve to invite
some low-class
whiteys into my house?
- Well how do you
know they're low-class?
- Well, look, what
other kind of whiteys
would move into a High-class
black neighborhood?
- Look, I was over to
their house yesterday
and they got a brand
new color television set.
- Yeah, uh-huh, they
probably bought it.
Do this.
Get you out of my life forever.
(laughter)
- Hey, Moosie, I think that
new girl in our class likes you.
She said she'd
like to go with you
to the church picnic on Sunday.
- I don't like girls, anyways,
and I sure don't like her.
She has yellow hair
and she's funny-lookin'.
- Yeah, and she's bossy too.
She thinks she's
really something
just because her dad
owns an ice cream parlor.
- Ice cream parlor?
What time is that picnic?
(laughter)
- I Love Lucie take 10,480,000.
(clap)
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(groovy music)
- Hey, Sara.
- Yes?
- I heard that Richard
Burton's planning to retire.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
He's gonna go to
Oxford, I understand,
and teach Shakespeare.
- Gee, and all this time I
thought Shakespeare was dead.
(groovy music)
- If God was a southerner, the
sixth commandment would be,
"You all shall not steal."
(groovy music)
- Lester, you know I heard
that if the population explosion
keeps goin' like it is,
we're all gonna be living
20 people to a room.
- You know, that's hip, 'cause
I could use all
that extra space.
- [David] Excuse me.
- Ooh, is that the
martini I ordered?
- Oh.
(laughter)
- Pardon me, that's
a martini alright.
Would you like another?
- Yeah, but next time
don't make it so dry.
- I have been trying to
paper-train my Cocker spaniel
for a month, and
so far that stupid dog
hasn't been able to read a word.
(laughter)
(swanky music)
- Patti, Detroit's finally
come up with somethin',
you know, for the new cars.
- Yeah?
- They developed this bumper
that absorbs all the shocks.
They put one on the
front and one on the back,
and one on the price tag.
- You think that's funny...
- I don't grade 'em,
I just read 'em, okay?
Last week, I saw a guy leap
over 25 cars on a motorcycle.
- Is that a record?
- On the Hollywood
Freeway it is.
(laughter)
(swanky music)
- Get down.
Well hey, I really
gave 'em a scare
at the Westchester Country Club.
- Well what did
you do, try to join?
- No, I called 'em
up and told 'em
I'd hidden a bomb in one
of their Members' lounge.
(swanky music)
- Hey, you know,
Meredith, I knew a sultan
who had a real problem.
His entire harem left him.
- Oh my, what did he do?
- Well what could he do?
He jumped off Lover's
Leap 147 times.
(groovy music)
- Hey, Dan.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You know, meat prices
really are getting high.
- Oh, they are, yes.
- You know, i heard about a
guy who hijacked an airplane
and for ransom he
asked for two parachutes
and 500 lamb chops.
- No way.
Hey, your glasses
are upside down.
(exclaims) (laughter)
(groovy music)
- Hey, Lester, how
come a good-lookin' guy
like you's never been married?
- Well, Lucie I was
once but my wife
sued me for divorce one night
when I came home one night
with sawdust on my collar.
(laughter)
- Heavens, I forgot
where I parked.
- It's right up there,
by the supermarket.
(laughter)
- [Mystic] Oh the
future is very interesting.
I see that you will be
coming into a small fortune.
I see that you will
be taking a long trip.
I see that you will be
meeting a lovely blonde lady,
who will change the
course of your life.
Everything will be...
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh, well
nothing, it just said,
"Continued on the
other crystal ball."
(laughter)
Oooh.
- Donna, you know, I know a guy
who smoked six packs of
cigarettes a day for 20 years
and then quit, just like that.
(gasps)
- Oh, Lucie, he
quit smoking, huh?
- No, breathing.
(laughter)
(plinky music)
- We'd really like to
give special thanks
to lovely Lucie Arnaz,
our guest this week.
- Well why don't we
get her out here, then.
Lucie.
- Dick, she's already here.
- Oh, nevermind Lucie,
you're already out here.
- As if you didn't know.
Don't pay any attention
to the ding-dong.
- No, I won't.
- But it's really been fun
having you on the show.
- Well, I've had a great time.
- We have too, hey, do me
a favor would you, Lucie?
Maybe you can
get through to him.
Would you say Dick
to say goodnight?
- Sure.
- Nevermind,
Lucie, I'll go tell him.
His dressing room's
right next to mine.
(laughter)
- But it's been fun.
- It has, it has.
Hey, is it like this every week?
- Yeah, just about.
Next week's show
gonna be fun, too.
Let me give you
a little preview.
(applause)
- [Dan] Our guest
is Robert Goulet,
and our cameos Prince Philip,
Juan Peron, and Golda Meir.
Prince Philip, Juan
Peron, and Golda Meir
are not on next week's show.
- [Dick] Yeah, but wouldn't
it be great if they were?
(swanky music)
- [All] Hey.
- What's red, white, and
blue, and has a peel?
- I got it, the
star-spangled banana.
(cheering)
- What can stay underwater
for long periods of time,
has never been photographed,
and is very small?
- [All] What?
- The Loch Ness Midget.
(whooping)
- Who stands in the valley,
tells jokes, goes "ho ho ho"?
- [All] Who?
- The Shacky Green Giant.
- What are they
calling the new movie
about the vineyards
taking over the earth?
- [Ruth] The Planet
of the Grapes.
(cheering)
- [Sara] Richard.
- [Richard] Yes?
- What internal
organ ruled France?
- [Richard] Charles
d'Gallbladder.
- What chocolate plays baseball
and has cream
filling in the center?
- [All] Who?
- The Baltimore Oreos.
(laughter)
- Who comes through your
front door and smashes it in?
- The Avon Gorilla.
(laughter)
- Who is the ruler of
Russia and who was it
that was an evil
interior decorator?
- [Dan] That's the worst.
- Bruce the Terrible, I think.
(laughing)
- [Lucie] Oh, wait, I got one.
(laughing)
What musical was
about Alaska in the '30s?
(cast inquiring)
- No No, Nanook.
(groaning and laughing)
- Alright, it's time
say goodnight, Dick.
- Before we do, I have a letter.
From a lady from
Stanton, New Jersey,
who asked if I would
advise her what to say
on her very first
date, absolutely yes.
- Go ahead and tell her.
- I just did.
Absolutely yes.
(laughter)
Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight.
(spits)
Dick.
(cackles)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(groaning)
- Goodnight, Dick.
(crashes)
(goofy music) (crashing)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, chick,
er, I mean Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Don't you have anything to say?
- Pookie-pookie-pookie.
- And one final note.
(hums)
(silly music with kazoos)
(drumroll)
(gong)
(woman laughing oddly)
- And now, direct from the
Burbank Toad Sanctuary
and Wart Removal Clinic,
NBC, the nothing
but cuckoos network,
goes back in
history and presents
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in.
Starring the
revolutionary Dan Rowan
and the revolting Dick Martin.
With guest star, Lucie Arnaz,
plus Ruth Buzzi,
and this olive, Richard Dawson,
Moosie Drier and Tod Bass,
Brian Bressler, Patti Deutsch
Sarah Kennedy,
Jud Strunk
Willie Tyler and Lester,
Donna Jean Young.
With cameo guest
stars Rich Little,
Moss Martin
and this is Gary
Owens with this question
for all of you amnesia patients,
remember the Alamo?
(laughter)
(comedic music)
(explosion with
shattering glass)
(bells not ringing)
- Assistant.
Have you been
messin' with these bells?
(bells ringing) (laughter)
- [Priest] And do you Sarah
Johnson take this man...
- Yes.
(rinky-dink music) (laughter)
- Are you and the co-pilot
allowed to drink in the cockpit?
- No, we have to get
smashed in the lounge,
like everybody else.
(laughter)
You know, you're a
saucy little baggage.
- Thank you.
- And a baggy little sausage.
(laughter)
- Jump, jump.
Yay.
- Okay, Woody, up.
Up!
Show us how high you
can jump, come on, go.
- Oh, Willie, I thought
you were in Cuba
doing What's My Line.
- I was but it didn't work out.
Every time the panel
put their blindfolds on,
somebody shot 'em.
(laughter)
- Harrison, you
remember we were told
we could bring
one personal item?
- Yeah?
- Well, meet my survival kit.
(swanky music) (laughter)
- Hey, Lucie.
- What?
- When is your
brother's birthday?
- January 19th.
- Oh.
- And August 6th,
and December 27th.
- Oh.
- And May 9th...
- Wait a minute, wait.
Wait a minute, how
can he have a birthday
on all those dates?
- Well, see, he was born
January 19th on my mother's show,
and the other days
are just reruns.
- Oh. (Laughter)
- I'll wager that Christian
out there is a friend of Nero's.
- What makes you say that?
- Well they've matched
him against a chihuahua.
- And now if Ironsides
is ever cancelled,
they won't have Raymond
Burr to push around anymore.
- You know we're
really gonna feel idiots
if this isn't
Dong-ho's birthday.
(sproing)
- Sarah.
- Yes?
- Sarah, can you loan me a
quarter for the laundry room?
- Sure.
- Oh, Sarah, there is
the cutest guy in there
and he's washing his
clothes, and he's really a doll.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Hurry up, oh thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's alright.
- Now if I can only find someone
to loan me some laundry.
(laughter)
- Hi, I got in trouble for
teaching my German shepherd
to fetch the paper.
- Why did you get in trouble?
- He fetched it before
the paperboy got a chance
to let go of it.
(laughter)
- Lucie, would you marry me?
- Oh, no, Lester, that's
out of the question.
- Why, you afraid
of discrimination?
- No, I'm afraid of splinters.
- Uh-huh.
(laughter)
- I didn't use my
antiperspirant yesterday,
and I may not use it today.
- Do me a favor, will you?
Please use it tomorrow.
(laughter)
(speaking in French)
(crashes) (laughter)
- [Gary] Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.
(applause) (groovy fanfare)
- My goodness.
- No more, more cops.
(appreciative banter
through applause)
- Back, back.
- We need more
cops to hold 'em back.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
thank you very much for that.
- And now for 75 points and
the diamond jubilee jackpot,
what is the meaning of the
following Italian hand gesture?
- Wait-wait, wait, wait, wait
Hold-hold, hold it.
- That's close.
- No. (laughter)
Now what is this all about?
- I'm trying to make a
new name for myself.
- And give up "Bird-Brain"?
- Sticks and strings
may break my things.
- No, no.
That's stones.
- Sticks and strings
may break my stones.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Now what manner of
fallderall and tomfoolery
has your meager mind
hatchered and nurtured
and come up with
on this fated eve?
- Let me take a guess,
is it Grant's Tomb?
- No, no, what are you up to?
- Game shows, there's a
fortune to be made in game shows
and I've got some great ones.
- For instance?
- Celebrity bull-fighting.
(laughter)
- Celebrity bull-fighting.
- Skydiving with Julia.
(laughter)
- Win a Hickey.
- Wait a minute,
I don't wanna win a hickey.
- Oh, then there's
my all-time favorite.
- What's that?
- Answer the Question
and Win a Weekend
in a Remote Mountain Cabin.
- Oh, well that's reasonable.
- Next Door to a Liquor Store.
- Alright.
- Directly Across the Street
from a Pornographic
Film Festival.
(laughter drowns
out Dan's protests)
With a Well-Known
Monday Night TV Star.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
Now what kind of game is that?
- I'll show you, can
we have a contestant,
ladies and gentlemen,
anyone from the audience?
How 'bout you sir?
Come right up here.
- How 'bout you "sir"?
- Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
- Wait a minute.
(applause and fanfare
drowns out Dan's protests)
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- Well, you haven't
asked her a question yet.
- I don't have to, I know
a winner when I see one.
(laughter)
See you in a little
while, darling, by golly.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
- [Brian] Excuse me, are
you Rowan and Martin?
- Yes, I am.
- Oh, good, I have
a letter for you.
- Thank you.
Oh, it's for you.
- [Richard] Oh, gentlemen,
happy New Year.
May I say I'm a lawyer, watch.
- What's that?
- An open and shut case.
(laughter)
- Hi, Dan.
- Hi, Donna.
- How did the
Washington Red Socks...
- Just simmer down and
ask us a question, cat.
- How did the Washington
Redskins come out yesterday?
- I haven't any idea.
- Well how did the LA Rams?
- I don't know.
- Well then how about
the Chicago Bears?
- We don't know, Donna.
- Oh boy, everybody knows,
but you guys really
don't know the score.
(laughter)
(gong clang)
- Life is really funny.
Here I am on Laugh-In
and only a few of years ago
my mother wouldn't
even let me watch it.
(laughter)
- This is George Barnes, you
know I'd rather sing than eat?
Though many people
who've heard me sing would
rather hear me eat.
- Sister Lucie.
- Yeah?
- What do you think
of women's chances
of being ordained as a priest?
- Oh, we haven't got a prayer.
- This Monday is Farmer's
Day, so take a piggy to market.
- Come on, girl, let's get up.
Come on, come on, thata girl.
You know it's time
to learn how to fly,
so out of the nest, come on.
- No, please, you wouldn't.
It's murder, I'll do anything
only please don't push me out.
- Oh now, you're
being ridiculous.
You've got to learn how to
spread your wings, come on now.
- Wings, are you kiddin'?
How can you send a
kid up in a crate like this?
No, I won't do it.
- You've got to, otherwise
how are you gonna
catch bugs to eat?
- Bugs to eat?
I'm goin' through all
this so I can eat bugs?
I want a career, life.
- Oh, you've got to learn
how to fly, now come on.
- No, flying is ridiculous.
If birds were meant to fly,
we'd be sittin' three
across holdin' airsick bags.
I'm not gonna do it, there's
no way I'm gonna do it.
- Come on now, let's go.
- Take your hands offa me.
(grunting and protesting)
(slide whistle fall)
(crash)
- [Brian] I think
I broke my leg.
- Ooh, you shoulda'
learned how to fly.
- Senator, I understand
that you will be
making an appearance on
a national television show.
- That is absolutely correct.
- Uh-huh, will that be
on issues and answers
or meet the press?
- Neither one, I'll be
on Let's Make a Deal.
(laughter)
- I've worn this girdle
27 times and it still fits
like the day I bought it.
So listen and listen tight.
(laughter)
Someday my prince will come
(pop)
Oh my goodness,
are you my prince?
(grunting in the negative)
- Nope, I'm just a frog.
- Oh.
- Why don'cha sing,
"Someday my frog will
come," and see what happens.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(pop)
Someday my frog will come (pop)
- My goodness, why don't you
turn into a handsome prince?
- Well I've got a better idea,
why don't you turn into a frog?
(laughter)
- [Gary] The Boom-Boom Room
proudly presents Alan Peterson.
(melancholy piano)
- Music, Maestro, please.
Those fancy coloring books
That lots of people do
Here's a new one for you
A most unusual coloring book
The kind you'll never see
Crayons ready, crayons
set, begin to color
Me (piano tune
turns rather off-key)
These are the eyes
That watched her
As she walked Away
Color them gray
(laughter and applause)
- Yay Booms, rah
Booms Boom-booms, yay.
- Now then, may I have
your name, please?
- Oscar MacDonald.
- O. MacDonald, and
what is your line of work?
- I have a farm.
- O. MacDonald has a farm,
and did you own or
are you subsidized?
- No, it is subsidized
by the Economic Institute
of Eastern Indiana and Ohio.
- Well, I'll just
use the initials.
O. MacDonald has
a farm, E.I.E.I.O.
(laughter)
Now, to list your assets,
on this farm do you
have any livestock?
- Yes, on this farm,
I have some cows.
- How many?
- Let's see, I've got a moo-moo
here, a moo-moo there,
- here a moo, there a moo,
everywhere a moo-moo.
- Uh-huh, and on this farm,
do you have some pigs?
- A few.
I've got an oink-oink
here, an oink-oink there,
here an oink, there an oink,
everywhere an oink-oink.
- I see, now let's
see what we've got.
- O. MacDonald
has a farm, E.I.E.I.O.
And on this farm he has some
cows, with a moo-moo here,
a moo-moo there, here
a moo, there a moo,
everywhere a moo-moo.
An oink-oink here,
an oink-oink there
Here an oink, there an
oink, everywhere an oink-oink
O. MacDonald has
a farm, E.I.E.I.O.
Well, I guess that covers it.
- Yes and how much do I owe ya?
- Six pence.
- I'm sorry all I have
is a pocket full of rye.
- Well, throw in four and
20 blackbirds baked in a pie
and we'll call it even.
- [Jud] Excellent.
(laughter and applause)
(mumbled conferring)
- [Ruth] Dick, Dan, have you
seen my husband around here?
- No, I haven't seen him.
- Have you, Dick?
- No, I haven't seen him.
- Are you sure?
- He's not here.
- No.
- Good.
Hit it, Ian.
(sultry honky-tonk music)
Sexiest danger
Get with me now
(whooping and laughter)
- Wow.
(rinky-dink music)
(nervous grunting)
- Tell me, Doctor, how long
have you been
practicing dentistry?
- Oh, well... (crash)
- It's time for the Donna
Jean Young Show
and heeeeeere's Donna.
(applause)
(thud)
- Hi.
(muffled giggling and kissing)
My guests today are the
authors of this new book.
Where's the book?
(laughter)
How to stay,
How to Stay Happily
Married Forever
and here they are now,
Clara and David Smedley.
Oh, which one of you is Clara?
Clara, oh well sit down.
Sit, no, sit down, really.
(thud)
- Thank you.
(laughter)
Oh, thank you.
Oh, welcome to my show.
- [David] Thank you.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, you look familiar.
David, have you been
on my show before?
- Oh, no, no, no.
We never appear anywhere
unless we're together, huh, honey?
- Oh, I could've sworn, well.
Oh well, let's talk about
the book, where's the...
Oh, the book.
(laughing)
I'm sorry David.
Oh, the book on How to
Stay Happily Married Forever.
I know where I met you before.
(David hums inquisitively)
I met you at the Barber's
Convention in Reno,
you're Wild Dave, yes you are.
(laughter)
Yes you are, I think
you are Wild Dave.
Oh, Clara.
Oh, you looked so much
younger when you were there.
But you did have
that mole removed.
- Mole?
- I remember...
- I don't know what
you're talking about,
I have never been to Reno.
- Oh sure you
have, you remember,
your hair was really,
really beautiful, long and red
and you had this (gasps)
you had that
see-through thing on
that was really frilly.
And you were sitting
on Wild Dave's lap.
(whoops) (laughter)
- You two-timing bum, I'll
teach you to double cross me.
(pow) (shattering glass)
- Oh, aren't they a fun couple?
Aren't they fun?
It's no wonder she's confused,
he was so much taller
with his clothes off.
(applause)
(whistle)
(screeching)
(slapstick music)
(engine revving)
- Hi, Dan, what are you doin'?
- Shh, I'm watchin'
Laugh-In salute adult books.
(laughing)
They're doggin' us.
- [Clapboardist] Take.
- Hey, Dan, what are you doin'?
- Shh, this is great.
I'm watching Laugh-In
salute adult books and movies.
(laughing)
- Are they fucking movies?
(laughter)
(snap)
(Both laughing)
- Had a great start,
though, I'll tell you.
(clap)
- Hi, Dan, what are you doin'?
- What are you doin' out here?
You're supposed
to be back there?
- The donkey died.
(laughing)
(clap)
(Dan loses it giggling)
What happened to your voice?
(laughing)
(clap)
- Hi, Dan.
(Dick loses it)
(clap)
What are you doin', Dan?
- Well... (laughs)
- Well, let me do it.
(clap)
What are you doin', Dan?
- Shh, hold it, I'm
watching Laugh-In
salute adult books and movies.
- Adult books and
movies, that's disgusting.
You get outta there.
Oh, you wanna see
somethin' real good?
Come on.
(peppy band music)
Give a yell, give a cheer
Give a look and listen here
'Cause it's time
for the big salute
(groovy twanging music)
Give a hoot, give a hey
Try a hippy-hip hooray
Tippy-Tap for the big salute
(twangy groovy music)
Ruby Keeler Shirley
Temple Elanor Powell
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers
Now we've got some fancy tricks
Sure, we've got
some fancy tricks
Rowan and Martin
Laugh-In salutes
Naughty books and flicks
Put a tap in your step
Show the world
you're full of pep
With a salute
Our salute our salute our salute
A salute a salute
Join the dance travel
loose What a kick
It's a big salute (applause)
- Hey, gang, what a
movie I saw last night.
(inquiring murmurs)
Yeah, in it they
had a BYOB orgy.
- What's a BYOB orgy?
- Bring your own bacon fat.
(laughter and applause)
- Last night I saw a nudie
movie about the phone company.
You now what it was called?
(negating replies from all)
I Have Curious Yellow Pages.
(laughter)
- Well, - [Dan]
What is it, Sarah?
- [Dick] Very well, thank you.
- So Hollywood stars are
performing with no clothes on.
- [Dan] No kidding, shocking.
- Well that just
goes to show ya.
(laughing)
- You know, I don't
understand people.
I mean, especially
here in Hollywood.
I mean they're
just not friendly.
I mean, you take the other
day, a guy comes in here
and tells me he
just got a divorce.
He says he wants something
to help him forget his wife.
So I gave him three whiskey
sours and my phone number.
- The x-rated adult
cartoon, Fritz the Cat,
- [Cast] Yeah?
- Had a run-in
with the law today.
- [Cast] Oh yeah?
- When in the middle
of the screening...
- [Cast] Yeah?
- Can you hear me?
A vice squad officer
raided a theater
and announced
through a bullhorn,
"Th-th-th-that's all folks."
(laughter)
- Man, I really don't
know what's happening
to public morals anymore.
Sweetheart, listen to this,
"Still top of the
bestseller list,
the searing novel of
lust in a hollow tree,
Bark Up Our Trunks."
- Haven't you listened
to the movies nowadays?
"See blind passion
during a shipwreck,
don't miss Women and Men First."
It's just terrible how
morals these days
are going to the dogs.
- It really is.
- At least that's what
my husband says.
- I know, I hear the
same thing from my wife.
(laughter)
- Wait a second.
- [Crew] What?
- I understand one adult
bookstore was doing such
great business...
(inquiring from cast)
Yeah, that it was forced
to move to dirtier quarters.
- Oh, hey Zeke, it says
here "Total Nudity."
Hey, why not go in, come on.
- Not me.
- Well why not?
- I ain't takin' my clothes
off just to have a drink.
(laughter)
(fanfare)
- And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've
all been waiting for.
Who will it be?
Who will it be, who will
be Miss America of 1972?
May I have the envelope please.
Thank you.
Exciting moment, isn't it?
Who will it be?
The winner is,
Miss Utah.
Oh, it is the keys for
the dirty book store he
had to close down.
Well, somebody
bought the dirty book.
(laughter)
- I tell you, C.B.,
it's a great treatment
of the life of Madame Curie.
It's accurate and wholesome,
but in the scene where
she discovers radium
don't you think she should at
least be wearing something?
- Hey, y'all I knew my
blind date was gonna be
into somethin' the minute
I picked her up last night.
- Well how do you know that?
- 'Cause she was wearing
a plain brown wrapper.
(laughter)
- Where was I?
Oh, yes, for the
fourth time that night,
Steve and Helen found
themselves alone on the beach.
Alone,
waiting.
Her nostrils flared
with excitement
as she felt his hands
on her soft white
skin, caressing her.
They knew that nothing,
nothing now could hold back
the passion that was within him.
He took her hand...
- Oh, stop, I can't
go on any longer.
- Oh, very well.
(splash)
- Thanks, I needed that.
- Steve and Helen knew
what they must do now.
(foghorn)
- Oh, what are you shooting?
- The New York Skyline.
- Oh.
- Wanna buy a dirty picture?
(laughter)
- When I was a boy on the
farm, my favorite adult book
was the Sears and
Roebuck catalog.
(appreciative murmurs)
- Yeah, see to get to
the farm equipment,
you had to go
through those pages
where all them girls
were modeling underwear.
(laughing)
- How do you do, my
name is Eggsemma Tight
and I am president
pro-tem of the
League for a Cleaner Everything.
I should like to
talk to you tonight
about a film I saw, entitled
I am Curious Tishman
and Selected Shorts.
The subject matter
was disgusting.
It dealt with a
degenerate young woman
who went from man to man,
for her life was 10 cents a dance
and a quarter for extras.
She smoked, she drank, she
swung naked from chandeliers,
the moonlight glistening
on her white, naked body.
Men were pawing and
clawing her as they drooled
lasciviously down her neck.
They caressed her
lithe, sylphlike body
as she shamelessly
cried for more.
Oh, I liked it.
(laughter)
That's the end of the song
Come on back to do some more
Til you wish for the
big salute (applause)
- Found, a marriage licence
made out to whom it may concern
left in our studio audience
by Zsa Zsa Gabor.
(laughter)
(groovy music)
(laughter)
- Hi, my name is Maria
Balone and I'm here
to try out for the team.
Where do I skate?
- Skate?
(laughs)
This is a roller derby,
nobody cares if you can skate.
How d'ya punch?
- What do you mean?
- Now here, I'll show you.
Now look, we're on the
track and I'm tryin' to pass you,
what do you do?
- I try to get in your way.
- Ahh, no, no.
Ya do this.
(clong)
Then while you're dazed
I give you a hip bop.
Like that.
Now when I'm layin' there on
the ground, what do you do?
- I don't suppose I'd
try to help you up?
- That's right, you wouldn't.
You'd do this.
(kicking)
Now you got that?
- I think so.
- Good, good, here
lemme help you up.
(grunts)
Hey, Rocky.
Rocky, I want you to meet
our new skater, Maria Baloney.
Maria, say hello to Rocky Riley.
- Hi.
- [Maria] How do you do?
(whooping)
(scuffling)
- You're right on.
- Fine, now kid,
you've gotta be tough
on the track and off.
(crashing)
- There, good girl.
- Yeah.
- Well, I guess I'll go
and get my skates now.
But first before I go, I'd
really like to thank you both
for all your help.
- Aw shucks.
(biff, pow)
(crack)
(shatter)
(crash)
- If I catch that Rich Little
doin' one of those imitations
of me, I'm gonna punch
that kid right in the mouth.
(pow)
- A friend of mine wore
a self-winding watch
during a fast game of ping pong
and just before
the game was over,
it screwed his arm into
the table, spun him around,
and drove him over to John
Cameron Swayze's house.
(cans clinking)
- It's time for a station
break, ya'll come back now.
(cabaret music)
Willkommen bienvenue
How have you been
- We're glad to see ya.
Come to the Cabaret
Haha walk right on in
Pull up a waiter Ooooh ooooooooh
Aiiiiiiiieeeeee
What's the news
across the nation
- Aha, aah.
We've got the
information - Ahaaa.
In a way we hope will amuse yous
- Mein herr, I will amuse you.
(sultry laughing)
We just love to keep you amused
La dah dee dah Old
chum Ladies and gents
Laugh along to the
news Mit Dan and Dick
- Yah.
(applause)
- [Gary] And now the Laugh-In
News, with the latest moonshot
in a crater and Ford Motors
recalling Ralph Nader.
And here's Dan and
Dick with the headlines.
- First these news headlines.
Flash, 12 people conducting
a sleep-in at the capital
are arrested and charged with
impersonating congressmen.
- Flash, Mickey Rooney and
Raquel Welch in Dance Marathon,
Mickey Quits Under Pressure.
- Flash, Momma Cass visits
the floor of the stock exchange.
- Bottom falls out of market.
- And now here's Dick
with the present news.
- Three months ago, the
gay liberation movement
won a landmark case
when two men were allowed
to adopt a child.
- [Dan] I remember that.
- Yes, well
unfortunately
problems arose today,
when the baby
uttered its first word,
"Mama," and nobody answered.
(Dan's reply drowned
out by laughter)
Certainly are.
Today, 97-year old
prospector, Cecil Smith,
found alive after surviving
23 years in Death Valley,
was asked how he managed
to maintain his sanity
all those years.
He said, "It was easy.
"Every day, I would
chop down a cactus plant,
"slice it into small
sections, and then I'd
"line up the pieces
and dance with them."
- [Dan] Keep him goin' straight.
- That will keep him
happy for a while.
- News of the future, 20 years
from now, Dateline Los Vegas.
The price of meat is now
so high, slot machines
in this gambling city
are paying off in meat
instead of money.
Yesterday, a woman put
a dollar in a slot machine,
hit the jackpot, won six legs
of lamb and a pound of liver.
And was immediately attacked
by the entire casino crowd.
It was a terrible thing to see.
Yeah, they took her
liver and everything.
News of the future, 20 years
from now, Burbank, California.
Filming of the first liquor
commercial for television
had to be halted today
at the NBC Studios,
when director William
Shotglass Foster
would not come down
from the chandelier.
Whoeeeeee.
- And now here's our
own Donna Jean Young
with previews of this
week's television shows.
Donna Jean.
- Okay.
Tune in, Adam-12 this week
when officers Reed and
Malloy test the validity
of the search and seizure law,
in the third balcony
of the Orphean
Theatre and get arrested
for molesting an usher.
(laughter)
- That's on another
show, apparently.
Go right ahead, Donna.
- I didn't get that.
On Hawaiian Five-0, Jack...
- [Dan] Hawaii Five-0.
- Oh, yeah.
On Hawaii Five-0, Jack Lord
smiles and his ears fall off.
(laughter)
- You had it for that one.
- That's a good'un.
- Don't wait for anything.
Just keep going.
- And finally, don't fail,
watch Wednesday Mystery
when Wayne Newton
and Liberachi get together.
What do they do
when they get together?
That's the Wednesday Mystery.
(laughing)
- And now a report from
the China-Russia border.
- What book are you
reading right now?
- From America.
- Ah.
- It's called Everything You
Want to Know About Sex.
Those lousy capitalists,
always stealing our invention.
- Russians invented sex?
- Of course.
- [Soldier] But how?
- After we invented
vodka, it was easy.
(hiccups) (laughing)
(bulletin chimes) (printing)
- Was that a late bulletin?
- No, my hands are damp.
- So's your head.
Now for our small town report,
to Jud Strunk in
Farmington, Maine.
- Hey there, Jud Strunk here.
Well, Lymon Getchel's
wife sure plagued him
somethin' awful for money.
She wanted to have this here
new bust-developin' surgery.
First, Lymon told her he
needed every cent for seed
on the potato farm, but she
carried on until he compromised.
Half for bust developin',
half for the farm.
Poor Lymon, wound
up on both counts with
pretty small potatoes.
(laughing)
- Now it's time for Laugh-In's
Doctor Martha Wellby
with news from the
world of medicine.
- Here's some exciting
news, Japanese doctors
have developed a
transistorized artificial brain
smaller than a pea.
The only problem is when
it is placed in a man's skull,
it keeps rolling out his ear.
- Here's the internationally
famous columnist
and a Hollywood
reporter, Marveen Jones,
with an item from Tinseltown.
- Hollywood, California, a
major film studio has just signed
Toadie Fields to
play the title role
in their remake of the
biblical classic, Salome.
Highlight of the
film will be the scene
where Toadie does the
dance of the 700 veils.
- Here's Willie Tyler
with the weather.
- Well, folks, rain,
nothing but rain.
All over the United
States, except
for right here in San Clemente.
Billy Graham must be with him.
- And now to Japan for a report
on the annual diving
championship in Tokyo.
- Hello from Japan, big
sports event in Japan today.
Toshiro Sakato,
former kamikaze pilot,
won the high dive
when he completed
a three and a half gainer
after the pool was drained.
(gong)
Back to you, Dan and Dick.
- Switch you now
to our man in India.
- According to the
Indian caste system,
there is one class of people
known as untouchables.
We are about to ask
one of these women
why they are known
as untouchables.
(clears throat)
Excuse me.
(pow) (yelps)
- Don't touch me, you animal.
(laughter)
- The first annual Clifford
Irving fraud-throwing contest
will be held in Zurich,
Switzerland this coming Saturday.
La daa dee dah Ladies and Gents
Laugh along to the news.
(crashing) (crying in pain)
(applause)
- Wonderful, how did you
get such great seats, Caesar?
- Well, one of the lions is
a personal friend of mine.
- You know, Lester,
you would've been great
on that old TV show,
Stump the Stars.
- Oh, as a star?
- No, as a stump.
(laughter)
- If I said a joke like that,
my mommy would send me to
bed without supper for a week.
- Then why doesn't
Dick and Dan's mommy
send them to bed
without supper for a week?
(laughter)
- I'm half Irish and half
Cuban, and every time
Saint Patrick's Day rolls
around, I get this crazy urge
to put on green fatigues
and smoke cigars.
(laughter)
(rinky-tink music)
(laughter)
- This is the part of
the show that I really
have grown quite fond
of, when I take questions
from the studio
audience and give you any
straight off the
shoulder answer.
So, if you'd like to
ask anything at all,
just any kind of a question.
It doesn't have to be
a question about me,
you can ask a question
about what's-his-name.
Some of the crew
could ask questions
if they wanted to.
Would you like to ask...
I tell you what, I'll give
you some questions
and then I'll answer any
of those questions at all.
If we could have
some of the ushers
pass out some
questions. (laughing)
If we could...
- Hello.
- Well?
- I finally found the answer.
- And I'll bet I
know the question.
What does the bridesmaid
wear at Tiny Tim's wedding?
- Wrong.
I...
- Put back the mast.
- Put back the mast.
I have taken up beekeeping.
- You have taken up beekeeping.
- That's funny, so have I.
(laughter)
That's two of us, two
heads are better than one,
I always say.
- You, sir, are a beekeeper.
- I'm a bee person, we call it.
- A bee person.
- A bee person, yes.
- Yes, sir, I knew you'd
never make the A-list.
(laughing)
Well, listen, if
you're a bee person,
tell me how is it
going, he asks.
- Not too good, last week
I planted a dozen bees
and all of them died.
- You planted...
- Yes.
- You don't plant
'em, you ding dong.
Bees have hives.
- Oh, none of mine did.
Although one of
them did have a rash.
(laughter)
He was the one who
used to fly around like this.
(buzzing)
- If I could fly like that, I
wouldn't need talcum powder.
- Ha. (drum hit)
Crack grain lives.
(laughing)
- And inside that suit.
(laughing)
Do you get much honey?
- Well, I do alright, darlin'.
(laughter)
Now that you bring it up.
(laughing)
- Well what about beeswax.
- Well, I'm having a little
trouble with the beeswax.
- Why is that?
- Well, gettin' the q-tip
in those tiny little ears...
- Oh, that's difficult.
- That's quite a chore.
- Do you really know
anything about bees,
or do you just got
the funny outfit?
- No, I know all about bees.
I am a bee person by trade
now, and I know all about them.
- Fine is it true that...
- They fly due
south at all times.
- No, well how'd they
ever get back to the hive?
- None, there's new
bees, all new bees.
(laughing)
- Well they have a
very short lifespan,
I understand bees
only live six weeks.
Is that true?
- That's true.
That's why there's so
many bees live in Cleveland.
- Why if they
only live six weeks
should they only
live in Cleveland?
- Well, because six
weeks in Cleveland
is like a lifetime
anywhere else.
(laughing)
We'll hear from
Cleveland on that one.
- Yes, I suppose.
(laughter)
I'd be ashamed of myself
to get all dressed up
in that silly outfit
just to do an old joke.
Hey, you're never going
to really be a beekeeper?
- Well I'm much better at that
than I am at being
a goat-keeper.
- Why's that?
- Did ever taste goat honey?
- No, sweetheart, I never have.
(laughing)
- You keep sayin' that, doncha?
- Put the net back
over your face.
- Alright, I will put the
net back over my head.
This is the part I
hate, incidentally.
- What's that, putting
the net over your face?
- No, I have to
wake up the bees.
- You have to wake up the bees?
- Yes, and I hate this part.
- Why is that?
- 'Cause I always get stung.
- Well doesn't that
outfit do any good at all?
- Sure does, I
haven't lost a bee yet.
- Oy, everybody up.
(buzzing) Up,
up, up, up, up, up.
(applause)
- Once and for
all, I've been kinky.
- Would you like to buy
a map to the stars' home?
- No, thanks, but
how's business?
- Terrible.
Ain't too many stars
livin' here in Watts.
- Look, look, that
man's pulling a thorn
out of the lion's paw.
- Yes, and the lion's
returning the favor.
He's pulling an arm
out of the man's socket.
(laughter)
- There's just one
thing I wanna tell you.
- Please tell me.
- Pookie-Pookie.
- A reminder, this is
National Articulation
and Good Diction Week,
try to crafman and goudit.
- It's just there are a lot of
people who think that having
a famous mother and
father makes it easier
to get into showbusiness,
but what they don't realize
is that I had to struggle
along doing bit parts
til I was almost 3.
(laughter)
(silly music)
(birds chirping)
- Oh, I tell you
one thing, Harry,
that new defense
budget is for the birds.
(shot fires)
- Yeah, I've heard
of limited war,
but this is ridiculous.
(ricochet)
We're not even overseas.
- My fellow Americans,
here is my impression
of President Nixon doing
his impression of Clark Gable.
(lips smacking)
(laughter)
Now let me make
this perfectly clear,
frankly, Sparrow, I
don't give a damn.
(laughter)
- [Donna] You must be one
of those Hollywood fruits.
(sighing)
- [Male Voice] Tell
me something, Mary,
how much did that
nose job cost you?
- Evenin', Americans,
General Bull Ride here.
Tellin' you to
shape up or ship out.
Now tonight, I want
you to meet my son,
Ulysses S. Patton
MacArthur Wright.
Call 'im U.S. for short,
come on in here, U.S.
Now you hear a lotta
talk today about the youth
being unpatriotic,
disrespectful, and alienated.
Horsefeathers.
Tell 'em, U.S.
- Horsefeathers, sir.
- Why, he'd be in
the army himself
if it wasn't for his asthma.
Cough for 'em, U.S.
(soft cough)
That's it.
Now you'll notice that U.S.
here's no long-haired freak.
And he's sick and tired
of all these far-left liberal
folk singers
tellin' it like it ain't.
So he's written some
songs to counteract all that.
Tell 'em U.S.
- I sure will, dad, sir.
I've written some songs like,
By the Time I Get to
Phoenix I'll be Corporal.
- Yeah.
- A big hit.
Raindrops Keep
Fallin' on my Platoon.
- [General] Atta boy.
He's written some songs
to counteract all that stuff
and tonight, U.S. is gonna
sing a brand new song for us.
What's it called, U.S.?
- Well, sir, it's called, If
You're Pinko You're Stinko.
- Crazy about
those love ballads.
- From the top?
- Take it.
(banjo notes)
Mommy mommy mommy
If I should catch a commie
Tell you what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna grab him by the hair
Throw him through the air
Kick him with the toe
of my shoe (sobbing)
Cause a pinko is a stinko
You can't trust a pinko
There the kind I never wanna see
(General weeping)
When I go out walking
If I should hear one talking
Gonna kick him right in the knee
- That's my boy.
They don't write songs
like that any more, folks.
(applause)
- They sure don't, sir.
Cheer up.
- Straighten up, U.S.
(laughter)
- Lester, do you like
sitting on my lap?
- Well let me put
it this way, Lucie,
you don't look exactly
like my partner, Willie,
but you're a whole
lot more comfortable.
(laughter)
(silly music)
(soft piano notes)
Anybody wanna sing
with me Or dance with me
Romance with me
How about a happenstance with me
If interested apply
Ooh I'm interested
Me too Just one of you will do
I can dance much
better than Dan can
Better than Dan can dance
If you can dance much
better than Dan can
Better give dance a chance
- Well take a look.
- He can barely walk.
(twinkling lively music)
(laughter and applause)
I can sing much
better than Dick can
Better than Dick can sing
Well if you can sing
much better than Dick sings
Better give song a
fling (singing falsetto)
Oh both of you
are terribly clever
Terribly gifted gents
But I must have
better credentials
Better essentials
I can chop wood
I can knit and tat
I can play chess
I could shave a cat
I can act much
better than Dick can
Better than Dick can act
Well I do parts much
better than Dan can
That's a well-known
fact - Regard it.
To be or not to be.
- How now, brown cow?
I'll admit you're
very impressive
Very expressive guys
Well than why not
give us a tumble
Come on Startin to grumble
Can you milk cows Can
you bale some hay No
Can you tie-dye
Can you macrame No
Can't you see
you're better together
Better than on your own
And thee of us
are better at kidding
Better at joking
Better at laughing
Better at having fun
Better than better
than better than
Anyone (operatic
singing and trilling)
Better than anyone (applause)
(Dick drowned out by applause)
(whooping)
- There's one lion there
who hasn't left his den.
- Oh yes, he's terribly lazy.
Just stays in there and
sends out for Christian delight.
- Now I'd like to give you
my impression of Don Rickles.
(clears throat)
He's short, pudgy,
and has a big mouth.
Thank you.
(laughter)
- Here comes the
Brownstones, yay.
(sax music)
- Aw, hey, I'd
better start cookin'.
- Say what?
- I'd better start cookin'.
- For what?
- 'Cause the white
family next door
are coming over for dinner.
- Say what, you've
got the nerve to invite
some low-class
whiteys into my house?
- Well how do you
know they're low-class?
- Well, look, what
other kind of whiteys
would move into a High-class
black neighborhood?
- Look, I was over to
their house yesterday
and they got a brand
new color television set.
- Yeah, uh-huh, they
probably bought it.
Do this.
Get you out of my life forever.
(laughter)
- Hey, Moosie, I think that
new girl in our class likes you.
She said she'd
like to go with you
to the church picnic on Sunday.
- I don't like girls, anyways,
and I sure don't like her.
She has yellow hair
and she's funny-lookin'.
- Yeah, and she's bossy too.
She thinks she's
really something
just because her dad
owns an ice cream parlor.
- Ice cream parlor?
What time is that picnic?
(laughter)
- I Love Lucie take 10,480,000.
(clap)
- That's the most
beautiful thing I ever heard.
(groovy music)
- Hey, Sara.
- Yes?
- I heard that Richard
Burton's planning to retire.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
He's gonna go to
Oxford, I understand,
and teach Shakespeare.
- Gee, and all this time I
thought Shakespeare was dead.
(groovy music)
- If God was a southerner, the
sixth commandment would be,
"You all shall not steal."
(groovy music)
- Lester, you know I heard
that if the population explosion
keeps goin' like it is,
we're all gonna be living
20 people to a room.
- You know, that's hip, 'cause
I could use all
that extra space.
- [David] Excuse me.
- Ooh, is that the
martini I ordered?
- Oh.
(laughter)
- Pardon me, that's
a martini alright.
Would you like another?
- Yeah, but next time
don't make it so dry.
- I have been trying to
paper-train my Cocker spaniel
for a month, and
so far that stupid dog
hasn't been able to read a word.
(laughter)
(swanky music)
- Patti, Detroit's finally
come up with somethin',
you know, for the new cars.
- Yeah?
- They developed this bumper
that absorbs all the shocks.
They put one on the
front and one on the back,
and one on the price tag.
- You think that's funny...
- I don't grade 'em,
I just read 'em, okay?
Last week, I saw a guy leap
over 25 cars on a motorcycle.
- Is that a record?
- On the Hollywood
Freeway it is.
(laughter)
(swanky music)
- Get down.
Well hey, I really
gave 'em a scare
at the Westchester Country Club.
- Well what did
you do, try to join?
- No, I called 'em
up and told 'em
I'd hidden a bomb in one
of their Members' lounge.
(swanky music)
- Hey, you know,
Meredith, I knew a sultan
who had a real problem.
His entire harem left him.
- Oh my, what did he do?
- Well what could he do?
He jumped off Lover's
Leap 147 times.
(groovy music)
- Hey, Dan.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You know, meat prices
really are getting high.
- Oh, they are, yes.
- You know, i heard about a
guy who hijacked an airplane
and for ransom he
asked for two parachutes
and 500 lamb chops.
- No way.
Hey, your glasses
are upside down.
(exclaims) (laughter)
(groovy music)
- Hey, Lester, how
come a good-lookin' guy
like you's never been married?
- Well, Lucie I was
once but my wife
sued me for divorce one night
when I came home one night
with sawdust on my collar.
(laughter)
- Heavens, I forgot
where I parked.
- It's right up there,
by the supermarket.
(laughter)
- [Mystic] Oh the
future is very interesting.
I see that you will be
coming into a small fortune.
I see that you will
be taking a long trip.
I see that you will be
meeting a lovely blonde lady,
who will change the
course of your life.
Everything will be...
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh, well
nothing, it just said,
"Continued on the
other crystal ball."
(laughter)
Oooh.
- Donna, you know, I know a guy
who smoked six packs of
cigarettes a day for 20 years
and then quit, just like that.
(gasps)
- Oh, Lucie, he
quit smoking, huh?
- No, breathing.
(laughter)
(plinky music)
- We'd really like to
give special thanks
to lovely Lucie Arnaz,
our guest this week.
- Well why don't we
get her out here, then.
Lucie.
- Dick, she's already here.
- Oh, nevermind Lucie,
you're already out here.
- As if you didn't know.
Don't pay any attention
to the ding-dong.
- No, I won't.
- But it's really been fun
having you on the show.
- Well, I've had a great time.
- We have too, hey, do me
a favor would you, Lucie?
Maybe you can
get through to him.
Would you say Dick
to say goodnight?
- Sure.
- Nevermind,
Lucie, I'll go tell him.
His dressing room's
right next to mine.
(laughter)
- But it's been fun.
- It has, it has.
Hey, is it like this every week?
- Yeah, just about.
Next week's show
gonna be fun, too.
Let me give you
a little preview.
(applause)
- [Dan] Our guest
is Robert Goulet,
and our cameos Prince Philip,
Juan Peron, and Golda Meir.
Prince Philip, Juan
Peron, and Golda Meir
are not on next week's show.
- [Dick] Yeah, but wouldn't
it be great if they were?
(swanky music)
- [All] Hey.
- What's red, white, and
blue, and has a peel?
- I got it, the
star-spangled banana.
(cheering)
- What can stay underwater
for long periods of time,
has never been photographed,
and is very small?
- [All] What?
- The Loch Ness Midget.
(whooping)
- Who stands in the valley,
tells jokes, goes "ho ho ho"?
- [All] Who?
- The Shacky Green Giant.
- What are they
calling the new movie
about the vineyards
taking over the earth?
- [Ruth] The Planet
of the Grapes.
(cheering)
- [Sara] Richard.
- [Richard] Yes?
- What internal
organ ruled France?
- [Richard] Charles
d'Gallbladder.
- What chocolate plays baseball
and has cream
filling in the center?
- [All] Who?
- The Baltimore Oreos.
(laughter)
- Who comes through your
front door and smashes it in?
- The Avon Gorilla.
(laughter)
- Who is the ruler of
Russia and who was it
that was an evil
interior decorator?
- [Dan] That's the worst.
- Bruce the Terrible, I think.
(laughing)
- [Lucie] Oh, wait, I got one.
(laughing)
What musical was
about Alaska in the '30s?
(cast inquiring)
- No No, Nanook.
(groaning and laughing)
- Alright, it's time
say goodnight, Dick.
- Before we do, I have a letter.
From a lady from
Stanton, New Jersey,
who asked if I would
advise her what to say
on her very first
date, absolutely yes.
- Go ahead and tell her.
- I just did.
Absolutely yes.
(laughter)
Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- Goodnight.
(spits)
Dick.
(cackles)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
(groaning)
- Goodnight, Dick.
(crashes)
(goofy music) (crashing)
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, chick,
er, I mean Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
- Goodnight, Dick.
Don't you have anything to say?
- Pookie-pookie-pookie.
- And one final note.
(hums)
(silly music with kazoos)
(drumroll)
(gong)
(woman laughing oddly)